This is a Global Player original podcast. to take, isn't it? Yeah, and actually what I said was, honestly, the reality is there needs to be communication and you do need someone who understands it. Actually, if you have ADHD and you have a loved one or a partner who doesn't understand ADHD or isn't prepared to engage with it or is a bit sceptical about it, it's really difficult.
Also, it does worry me a little bit, you know, the fact that we're even having this conversation does worry me a little that the label of ADHD will mark us down as bad partners. I worry about that a bit. You said that before. Yeah.
What is it that really sticks out to you? Well, because of the level of support. Because of the level of support that we sometimes require, not always, you know, on a good day, trust me, I can get ten times what my neighbour can do. Done.
Because I am more capable than the next person on a good day. Now, on a bad day, I go to bed, I don't get up, I do nothing. So that's the kind of person that I am. I'm basically firing on all cylinders or none.
That is literally ADHD right there. And I worry that people, the neurotypicals out there, hear a conversation like this and think, well, the last thing I ever want to do is end up with someone who's got ADHD. I think there are two strands to that. First, a conversation we have with Kate, which is that, look, if you're with a partner or you have a loved one, they love you for who you are and that is also your ADHD.
If you've got a child or a parent with ADHD, you love them for who they are and that ADHD is part of them. But the other part of that is you talk about boom or bust, you talk about going full pelt or not at all. Actually, there are strategies, there are things we can do as people with ADHD to take responsibility for ourselves so that we can manage our levels so that we're not always living in extremes. And that's about taking responsibility and meeting your partner halfway.
Absolutely, which we are both doing. We're two years into this journey and of course we are doing that. But it doesn't always work. And yes, I'm doing my best and yes, there are so many strategies that I've implemented to mitigate my ADHD or to essentially improve my performance as a human being but then it always come off and I can try my best and there'll still be a day when I'm so exhausted I cannot get out of bed.
And the only person who really knows about that is Robert. The kids aren't really affected by it but the only person who really knows about that is Robert and actually sometimes he's quite happy because it means I leave him alone for a whole morning and he can get up with things so he's probably been waiting to catch up on. But it concerns me that future relationships may be decided before they even got started by someone going I'm not sure I want to be in a relationship with ADHD. It sounds like something too difficult to face.
That always surprises me when you're so positive about ADHD though because that's about explaining what it is that's about communicating that's about having a relationship with someone where you say this is who I am this is how I operate this is the responsibility I'm taking for my condition therefore trying to mitigate some of the difficulties around it and I thought one of the things that really stuck out in the conversation with Kate was and it's something that I'm really conscious of is that having to have a strategy to manage me for me and my partner is already a big ask and so there is a point of saying if I'm aware of my ADHD and I'm aware of my trigger points and I'm aware of what I need to do to stop myself getting overwhelmed or there being problems can I apply the same to my wife as in can I say okay this might put extra pressure on her or actually she supported me for a couple of days when I was really struggling with my ADHD do I need to think about whether I'm giving back and asking questions and actually if we can be aware of our ADHD and how it affects us actually we can have the awareness of how it affects others and maybe we can start to think maybe I'm not naturally checking in and making sure she's okay maybe I need to remind myself to do that also the empathy comes in there that Kate talks about doesn't it the fact that we are a community the ADHD community are people who feel what you're feeling if your partner is low or jubilant or celebrating or jealous or all of those things I think one of the ways in which we are good partners one thing we bring to our relationship is the fact that we reflect those feelings and we can enjoy those feelings with our partners and I think if they are feeling frustrated or they're sad or tired we can sit in that space with them and help them and I think that's a really positive I'm always fascinated by this conversation because you make out I'm somehow doing gloom about ADHD I think I'm a realist that's what I think I am you can laugh all you like but no I think I'm a realist too I think sometimes you and I meet somewhere very much in the middle I think ADHD but you just don't like to admit it no I think generally I think actually what it is is that it's a bit like Winnie the Pooh you tend to be an Eeyore and I tend to be a Tigger and those are the roles that we play but ultimately we sort of meet somewhere in the middle but they go back to playing the role that we play which is I'm Tigger and you're Eeyore and that's what we do and that's okay but when it comes to this I think all I'm allowing myself to feel right now is or admit to is the fact that there's definitely a sense of why should Robert have to think about this why should he have to make allowances why should he have to question it or worry about how I might be next week if we do three things on the trot you know that's the motivation for us to say we can manage our ADHD and we can be aware of it and we can be aware of our partners too but I don't think we should lose the fact that our partners love us because of our ADHD but you must feel that sometimes I'm not the only one that you're asking a lot in your relationship I think I certainly did when we were first together yeah I think when we were first married I felt like it was always my fault but it was always my fault it wasn't just that that's what it always was I was the irrational one and I've worked really hard to try and change that but I think in any relationship there's always space to say am I considering my partner enough whether you've got ADHD or not do you achieve that every day? I don't think anybody does do they? no I think we're irrespective of ADHD and we've talked before as well about not living in absolutes do we always get it right? do we sometimes get it wrong?
we're going to get it wrong sometimes and that's the thing I think the trajectory is a positive trajectory I definitely have so many more good days now than I did pre-diagnosis certainly in that little pinch point just before diagnosis when things were going really wrong the number of good days I have now in comparison to them it's like night and day frankly hooray for that but I also want to talk about something Kate mentioned with regards to this sort of caring relationship when it comes to parenting because obviously you know we are people with ADHD and I'm a person with ADHD who is raising people with ADHD and they're also at a particular time in their lives where actually they do not want to be told what to do ever again and as Kate mentioned it's sometimes really really hard not to be that really annoying mum who is literally only giving advice just show them by being the person who gets up in the morning and has protein for breakfast who remembers to take their supplements that make a difference and being the best human that you can be in front of them that they can see and my boys know what a difference it's made to my life they can see it they know what a difference it's made to our home so yeah modelling I love that part of modelling is also modelling that it's ok to get it wrong do you know what I mean part of that is you can't model a perfect life whether you've got ADHD children or any children you have to a big part of being a parent or having any sort of caring relationship is to say sometimes you get it wrong and it's ok to get it wrong and your children see that and you know one of the things I have really noticed is that I take fish oils and magnesium the fish oils apparently help with cognitive stuff and the magnesium helps with sleep right and as you know I had major problems with sleep before and those things seem to have really helped with that and what's really interesting is that on the days that I forget to take the supplements which happens I really really notice and I wonder following my chat I wonder whether that's why my eldest is taking supplements because he would have seen that he'll have heard me how conversations were brought about that it is interesting so what about this idea of taking a step back because that you know I can say as a parent that can be really difficult when you can see that there's going to be an issue you don't necessarily want to take a step back what about if you're you know you're a parent to someone with ADHD and you can see a pitfall or a problem and you have to say I'm not going to intervene that has been forced upon me by my eldest saying leave me alone butt out it's not your problem in fact at one point he said to me this is an issue over him an issue over him booking flights for a holiday and it's like one of my bestest things to do is booking flights well that's your need no absolutely but you know planning holidays favourite thing in the whole world and he basically was booking flights for a trip with a mate and I desperately wanted to literally take the laptop off him and go let me do it let me do it learn how to do this myself so that I can do it as well as you can one day and just close the door and I'm literally standing outside his bedroom going oh okay right oh I needed to have a boundary drawn by him and so I think that is it shouldn't be his role to draw that boundary I should be drawing that boundary myself but taking a step back is definitely something I am having to learn to do and I think that's partly because I have ADHD so caring as a person with ADHD I'm constantly writing lists growing through things have I picked up the hearing aid stuff of my dad have I done X, Y, Z there's a long list of stuff and I'm always forgetting things and so my way of dealing with that is to keep taking over that list all the time and keep mentioning it to the kids have you done this have you done that have you done that taking a step back it means I'm sort of dropping things on my list and that would be liberating but it also feels a bit scary because I'm giving control to someone else but it's good that you're doing it I think yeah but you are the same you are somebody who does that too you are somebody who writes lists maintains lists you are pathologically and I have to and I have to around my children sometimes say I don't need to burden them with that and what kinds of things do you do so I like to be organised hyper-organised I like to be tidy there is a point where sometimes I have to look at a messy room and say why does this need to be tidied up is it just because of my obsession and actually do I need to just let them enjoy themselves relax and not be on their case and what does that feel like I find it really difficult but I've started to do it because you realise that maybe a lot of this stuff is coming from your own emotional need and not theirs it is interesting for you Katie to see it from two points of view you know someone who has a partner and you've got ADHD and then also parenting someone with ADHD I thought what Kate said in terms of sort of key advice for somebody who has a loved one with ADHD having a better understanding of it I actually thought that was really really perceptive because we talk about practical tips we talk about things that you can do fundamentally understanding how deep-rooted this is is the best way to help somebody because you can't understand what's going on you can't understand how somebody's got somewhere unless you understand how it affects every area of their life and I think it gives you patience as well it affords you the space to see why that is happening and that just makes it easier it means you are less likely to be frustrated or angry with the pages because you will understand why it's happening I hope you know dare I say it if you're still feeling like it's not working for you at the end of all of that that is a problem isn't it because that suggests that there's a block and maybe we've talked to a relationship therapist before maybe that's the route you should then think about going down is for couples therapy so you can talk about these things and try and understand more about the feelings behind are out there now thinking how do I support a loved one with ADHD learn as much as you can about it understand where they're coming from keep that communication open so that you can say to them you know I think this might be about to happen for you or actually do you know what when you're in this I understand why you're there and that goes a long way to actually making a relationship more effective that's everything from us for today thanks again to Kate Moriosef for all the fabulous wisdom in the main episode if you liked what you heard do please like share and subscribe because it all helps thanks for listening to You're Wrong About ADHD we'll speak to you next time You're Wrong About ADHD is made in association with Apex Content Ventures This is a Global Player Original Podcast