100% Alright, ladies and gentlemen Are you ready for two bears, one cave? Let's give a warm welcome to our hosts Sponsor girl and Bert Kreischer Oh shit, what's up Las Vegas? How you guys doing? Thank you, MGM Rewards at the MGM Grand at Las Vegas Give it up to the MGM everybody for hosting this for us Bertrand, congratulations You're wearing two watches like a fucking lunatic Yeah, I treated myself My special razzle dazzle is streaming right now on Netflix Thank you, thank you, thank you, thank you to all of you For all the reposts, all the shares, find the word That means the word to both of us I will say that collectively, because Tom's dead inside He is, he is, he is I wish I didn't care about shit the way you don't care about We started, yeah It's funny what you do care about What do I care about?
Like, secret time you got a business line Oh yeah Like, why? Wait, wait, wait, you're saying it's so strange that you care about your teeth? Why is that a weird thing to care about? Because if you overcare, you can look creepy Well, I'm just getting my teeth fucking fixed What do you mean?
Bad teeth make you accessible to other people Am I right? Oh yeah, you're getting a round of applause for all people with fucked up teeth And real teeth Okay, look, everyone, keep smiling, keep smiling, keep smiling Real teeth, real teeth, real teeth, real teeth No, actually, yeah, with those earrings, I'm like, you got your teeth fixed Yeah Well, a guy that chooses those earrings doesn't get good teeth as a kid Or they don't have the parents that help fix his teeth There you go Wait, wait, wait, wait You fix your teeth once you started working and making money Yeah, I see that Yeah, that's what you don't You never, you never get into a fish fight with an adult with braces on Thank you No, you have Invisalign that's fucking different Hold on, okay, do I know why I have them? This is Good, tell me why This is fucking crazy Okay, this is crazy So, I don't know, like, when I was I'm not close to your weight, but I was bigger And I was Oh, we're talking about our gear soon Okay, okay So, I was bigger I was snoring And if you go to a dentist And they, you know, do your regular checkup But dentists are fucking quacks Yeah We said this before And dentists are fucking quacks Because we can't scream They're fucking quacks They're quacks All dentists are crazy Except for Latin American dentists I trust Latin American dentists And Armenians And Marines Armenians I do not trust Armenian dentists No I don't think they have dental I've never heard like You've never heard of them in Los Angeles Oh, you've never heard of them in Armenia So, if you snore If you snore There's a lot of things I can cost them But one of the big things is It's like when you're asleep You're unconscious Your mouth drops, right? Like if you picture yourself laying back Your mouth, yeah So, what happens is They make you A dentist can make you A custom mold Fit to your teeth That keeps your lower jaw up, right?
So, it keeps the air passage open It's a common thing I get one of these From a dentist 12 years ago And it basically eliminates snoring Every few years I would get a new one Hold on, hold on Do you have any idea How many of those I would have swallowed? No, you can't swallow I wake up in the morning Oh, I ate another one It's keeping my jaw up For like every time I go to sleep Last, I don't know Not even, six months ago I go to a dentist In Austin It's a new dentist I've never seen him In Austin Oh, here's the rub, people New guy Tom rolls in on a fucking Porsche With a Rolex on his thing And this guy goes I'm getting a summer home Well, actually It's actually a woman And she goes Oh, wow, okay I was like, Jesus Christ You have a degree? So, she's doing the regular exam And here's the thing Everybody has things that have You know, you're lucky Like maybe you have great nose Or great, I don't know Whatever, abs So, the only thing I've ever had Is like an acid It's like my teeth I never had braces I never had a retainer Teeth are like naturally straight That's the only thing I've had So, she's checking it out Everything looks healthy Gums are healthy And then she goes Has your bite always been like this? And I go, like what?
And she goes, you know Your bite, the way it meets And I was like What are you talking about? And then we kind of like Do a more intrusive exam And she goes How long have you been wearing That snore guard? And I'm like, I don't know Like 12 years I had given myself orthodontics I moved my lower jaw forward Because I wore it every night For like a dozen years And I go, no other dentist said this And she's like Yeah, we see this sometimes So now she's like You gotta move your lower jaw back To where it was I did that in baseball When I got a mouth guard And I was like And I thought What if I push it really hard this way So that every time I went in My teeth would go back And then I fucked up my bite How did you wear it for a dozen years? No, no But I had to stop wearing it Because I noticed When I bite You ever bite down And then one tooth Is like Like a busy guy on the bus Going like I want to be up here I want to be up here And then And so yeah I had to stop wearing that mouth guard And I actually thought I've been looking at mouth guards lately But I go I'm going to fuck my bite So I'm doing corrective shit At 43 I've never had anything Like definitely thought I had to get these Just to move this jaw Back I'm tall I'll speak Spanish also Yeah So now I have my fucking That's why I have a midwife Wait, list off your superior body parts Like if you had to say Like if you had to say Like everyone knows Everyone knows your assets Like I'm going to try to Like ma'am you've got great calves right Like you know that right Yeah I'm going to try to compliment you Yeah Like I have perfect skin Like if you feel my skin You will not feel better skin on anyone Leanne Horrible fucking skin A blind person would get confused Like am I reading or touching a person What's wrong with her skin?
It's fucking disgusting Are we hearing this? When does this go just audio? Yeah audio It's horrible It's fucking horrible Leanne's never listening All your version of two pairs I mean when I met her It was something I had to get over Seriously Yeah What's her greatest asset? Her tits Her tits?
Oh her brain Obviously but whatever No her tits she got She had So Leanne is interesting Because her flaws So many right? A lot She had a crooked A wonky tooth That went back in her mouth And I thought it was cute You know It was like You ever fall in love with someone But the things that are broken about them Kind of make them cooler? Oh he's pointing at his stick right now Yeah She had a dilated pore in her lip That was a hole I loved it so fucking much Yeah And then she fucking Filled it in No she got it fucking removed And now she has a scar going on her face And then she had this wonky tooth And then she got fucking visalign And I'm like You're fixing all the shit I liked about you Yeah yeah yeah Did you love my teeth before? Is that what we're getting at?
No but you and Christina are teeth people Yeah I like That was before we did the movie That airs on the Morley Weekend Machine Oh what's it called? Oh Hey If you're listening to this Please we'll do this on the next book We're gonna push it hard We're trying to sell tickets Before we get to the theater So go to the machine.movie And I'm gonna do an in-studio live event That'll be aired on all the screens No one's listening to this So So I'm gonna get my teeth done I'm gonna get like perfect fucking teeth Because your wife came up to me And this is what This is like the flaw I love about your wife Does she be an asshole? Yeah 100% Like a legit in-your-face asshole Doesn't even know she's doing it That's the part She doesn't know She has no fucking clue Literally she put her fingers in my mouth And was like What's going on here? What's going on here?
What are we doing? Honey you have money Why are you not fixing this? And I go Fixing what? She goes These teeth I know she called you And told you my teeth are fucked up Because you started saying something And then I was like I was in the mouth of a baseball bat When I was 11 Oh we're gonna leave this alone Yeah yeah I got real sad I thought I could just You know like make fun of you And then you were like It was really traumatic Here's the thing So if you Like I had one yellow tooth right here And it was very yellow And uh Why was it so yellow?
Uh So like my teeth have been done in stages My teeth are like New York There's some brownstones And then there's some skyscrapers Oh yeah And then if you go back here This is the ghetto This is This is where Ron Artest grew up If you see my molars Like if you look I won't show everyone You can find it online But like if you look at my molars Marcy Projects back there Let's see Oh wow Well it looks like Lil Wayne losing your mind There's so much gold in there There's some gold in there That's Jay-Z grew up there And he put money back in It's like a boys and girls club But uh Speaking of white people You said you're really In the HBCUs right now Bro Fucking What the cheerleaders You say you want no problems But you talk like you do You've seen it You've seen it You've seen it It's fucking awesome It is man HBCU for all our white fans Stands for historically black Historically black Colleges and universities Yes So like Grambling Where Doug Williams went to school They do I'm not going to break it down I can tell you what I love about it But most of what I love Is the way The energy I want to wake up to that energy I want to feel That marching band energy That half time show Is pretty wild The marching bands With the best The guy does the And starts to lean back And has the thing And then stands on the hat Does his hat with the head You know what I'm talking about Yeah yeah It's incredible Grambu, Grambling, Jackson State Yeah yeah yeah Dude it is Especially I don't know I've watched so many of them My feed right now What do you do You just search I type in I can't tell you what I type My algorithm is so fucked right now Is black women cheering Ships getting in accidents Ships and accidents Oh have you seen Tug Life No Has anyone Right now Tug Life on your Instagram And you're welcome And Puerto Rican guys Get their haircut I love When a Puerto Rican guy Rolls in like chupacabra And they tighten him up All like sharp lines Are you fucking kidding me It's almost like Making over a homeless guy Like they get It's just all over the place And then they line him up And when he walks out You're like I'm gonna fuck him I can go to Spanish Harlem And just sit there And just pay for Puerto Rican guys Get haircuts Would you get one of their haircuts That would be great You love doing crazy promo stuff Why don't you go to New York Go get like a Dominican Fucking haircut So I had Secret time Secret time I had a black guy Line me up one time I did Deezus and Miro And their beard guy came in He goes you want me to line you up And I didn't have the balls To say no Because I don't want to look Like a black guy I don't mean that I don't mind I came out weird But like Fucking Adolf Shut the fuck up I don't want to look like that You know what I'm saying though You know what I'm saying I mean not the fucking You look like you're a person of color You know what I mean He didn't mean I don't want to look like a black guy I don't mind wearing black face But like I'm saying No get it You don't want the Traditional black guy haircut Like a beard line I do mine like a white guy And so It's kind of spotty It's a little sloppy And you're like Oh is this kind of Case fighter or bartender He writes poetry But he also knows How to make leather boots Sure So you said go for it No I didn't have the balls To say I don't want to look like you What did you say I said okay And he fucking lined me up I looked like Do you remember in Jojo Rabbit When she puts the Smut on her face And she goes oh I looked like Jojo Rabbit Like it was They never aired the episode They never aired it Because of your face I think so It looked like cultural appropriation It looked like It looked like I was trying to Look like a black dude And they put ink on it They ink you up Dude I look fucking ridiculous I look so fucking stupid Did you say something No You just sat there In like half black face It was literally You're like I love your culture This is cool And you know how I am When I hang out with dudes Like I start doing A black accent with them I'm like yeah yeah bro You know man Look I own my brokenness And so you can't cancel me For shit I already know Yeah yeah Credentialed social workers Make an extraordinary commitment To helping society Becoming expert at a profession That puts people first Honing the quality of caring Into a career And ultimately Proving their proficiency Through licensing All to bring you The help you need This message brought to you By ASWB Supporting social work standards 14 minutes huh Yeah That was good man Yeah It was a different episode And then they broke up Did they break up? Not because of the show time Do you think we'll ever break up? Oh Do you think Do you think Okay if one person Had to bend the knee To keep us together Yeah Who would it be? You You're such a fucking cunt You're You're like I'm like what?
No I said you're lucky I love you I love you too No but Leanne It's the same way She doesn't appreciate No one would ever love her The way I love her No one would ever love you No one would ever love you See I have a capacity to love The same way I want to drink My intensity Thank you ma'am It's nodding her head Yes I have a capacity to love Some people Everyone in this room Is like I look at couples One person loves the other person More than the other person Loves the other person Everyone Raise your hand If you love the person more Than they love you Neither of them Yeah yeah yeah Sir by the way You're right about that one Good job By the way that's very visible She's a fucking diamond Yeah By the way I'm a little shocked You're the only one I was looking at And I was waiting for your hand to go up Her hands were in her pockets And she's wearing a dress Do you think you love me More than I love you? Yes Why? I know it How do you know it? I talk about you more What do you mean?
I talk about you all the time Yeah but you Not in a good way I talk about you in a good way Do you know Do you know the risk I had to incur To get you your birthday present? That's Nazi memorabilia dude Like That's love Yeah Man I do not know That's what Okay I'll tell you one thing Isla said to me She's not a fan of Hitler's teacup And she goes It will not be coming into this house She goes It's got bad juju dad And I was like I wouldn't use that word And so Is that Josh Potter? Kind of looks like it though right? A little bit And so she said She said So then that night Ari texted me And we're at dinner And Isla grabbed my phone And moved it And goes no I said what?
She goes you're not texting him I said what? She looks at me dead seriously She goes I think you need to reassess your friend group I said what do you mean? She goes Your best friend for your birthday Gave you Nazi memorabilia And your other best friend Drugged you in her backyard In front of us She goes dad If those were my friends Would you allow me to hang out with them? And I was like Jesus fuck Yeah And she's on to something She's in New York right now They flew behind Madonna Madonna yeah Did they get any stories?
Yeah is it bad Yeah right? Yeah you said it I don't feel weird But yeah she listened to her own music Really? Oh is it on fucking bluetooth? Was it on the speaker?
I didn't think it was Because they listened to it also Yeah that's not headphones Yeah I know That's a real crazy person move On a plane? On a plane to listen to material girls I'm just going to play this shit Because I hope you guys like it Okay Are you When you see a person Going on a hike And they have their bluetooth speaker with them And they're playing music out loud Are you for that or against that? I'm against it I'm against it Golf course Do you allow bluetooth speakers? No Against it Against it Fuck yes Fuck yes I thought I was crazy No that is nuts yeah I was on the phone coming down to the gym to do bench press today oh yeah and I heard it went real well I think I might be the strongest of the two of us I think you could be I think I'm pretty fucking jacked you are I'm like you're newly on the T dog dude testosterone and titties how are you feeling I feel fucking phenomenal I wouldn't be shocked if I abused it I'm being serious sometimes I watch myself and I'm cheap because I do 25 milligrams of T every time a week and as I drain it out I go that says 28 whatever who cares I'm a little extra jacked this month I love it so much how many milligrams do you do I do 20 three times a week I'm 25 I fucking love it here's why I went on it I have to do this little disclosure because I can't I have a weird thing about straight line I don't mind telling you a story that's a little better than it really happened but like that's called being a human but I can't like outright people like I'm looking at you guys looking at my arms and I'm seeing your eyes right and so I'm keeping my belly so I'm relatable but my arms and shoulders just fucking blow up speak for themselves dude Shane Gillis said we were watching my special at his house and he goes bro you're like low-key jacked on the special?
yeah we're watching the special I'm low-key jacked you're low-key jacked in your latest special? I'm low-key jacked okay that was a really unenthusiastic affirmation by the way thank you braids for fucking because I know that you're more jacked than me so um oh oh oh so this is why I got on it because I know you told me when you got on it and I was like I don't want to fucking do that shit and then I went to my cardiologist and for the first time ever oddly enough my liver enzymes were out of the norm they're not bad but just they're above it and he goes I wonder what could be leading to that okay I'll tell you okay it's my it's my is it that cup? no it's not no it's not okay that looks bad that looks bad wait look at our cups together that looks really fucking how he celebrates St. Paddy Day how I celebrate it this is not your first keep going in a trend song so yeah yeah yeah and so he said to me he goes does a sonogram of all my organs and he goes I think you're getting a fatty liver and I went really and it's because it really is because of obviously my drinking doesn't help but it's because of my cholesterol medicine I'm on a torpistatin and it's not great for your liver and they doubled it because of to try to alleviate heart rate problems and then he says to me legit dude I trust this fucking guy he believed in COVID and so like early on and it still does and so he said hey have you ever thought about getting on testosterone I said my buddy's on testosterone and he goes how's he feeling I go he looks fantastic and he goes you do look fantastic and I said and he goes you should do it it helps repair your liver and I went that's all you have to say it helps repair your liver so then I went and I talked to your guy and Brigham and over ways of wellness and it was well and Leanne got her all her blood work done because she had long COVID and she's on a protocol I'm on a protocol I call it gear because it's fucking roids and Arnold's I'm taking Arnold's every three times a week and I fucking love it I love it so much I'm detecting myself with steroids it's like there's a sexy part of it you guys need to get on T that's what you're waiting for yeah start young that's the whole thing start young I have the energy of a 25 year old you've only been on it for a month?
a couple days a couple days a couple days a couple days a couple days I'm already seeing results nice you hit those 80s today? what is wrong with me? I hit 80s on my dumbbell breast what is wrong with me? like legit fucking wrong with me that like I I tried testosterone and the first day I went I love this stuff you shouldn't be feeling it at all you get excited about everything though I love it I know that you know how many times you said it was the best night of my life like I'll be like how was last week it was the best week of my entire life and I'm like oh really?
and I'll see you fucking a month later I'm like how you doing I had the best night of my life last night and I'm like oh okay where'd you go I went to a restaurant it was the best fucking meal I've ever had in my entire life hold on hold on bullshit Ryan how great was that fucking steak last night it was the best fucking steak whoop say it again out loud the best fucking steak I've ever had in my entire fucking life Leanne gets mad at me because I can quantify my favorite things I've ever had best cheeseburger I've ever had best breakfast where's the best cheeseburger I was swimming with a great white shark just off the coast of Catalina and a great white shark showed up I was out of the cage and I saw the shadow and then I saw it move with what I would only say intention I've never seen an animal move with direct intention so I got out of the boat and there was a Mexican woman on a flat top and she was making cheeseburgers and she goes do you want a cheeseburger or I was still in the west and I said yeah and motherfucker I don't know what this woman's like in bed but I would marry her for that cheeseburger she also sidebar she made the second best breakfast burrito I've ever had in my life that morning wait the same woman? yeah I would like to know I'd like to get to know her you can just go back to Catalina Island she was on the boat I don't even know how I get to fucking fire I'm sure she's dead but she was older too you definitely think she's dead I can't watch old movies now without going they're dead watch Caddy Shack yeah they're dead a fucking old couple that's a peach hun they're dead they're definitely dead Judge Smale's dead we all die isn't that crazy? isn't that crazy? wow yeah so you think you're going to expand and get on to like you know Deca and Winstraw like all the really right up I would I'd do a cycle of Winstraw yeah I'll tell you what now if you send me to rehab I'm definitely doing steroids if I send you to rehab if I ever get sent to rehab I'll be like yeah yeah yeah if I can do steroids right I need a rehab I could use I actually could use a rehab right now I could just use a week off it would be cool do you realize that you're saying I could use a rehab and literally 28 minutes ago you left a message on a guy's phone in front of me you're like I will be at your house for the biggest fucking drink fest ever where we compete you're like I will win this shit I'll drink more than anybody he's doing the beer what is it the beer olympics?
yeah the beer olympics so he's inviting so this is Taylor Luan from Busting with the Boys right yes X Titan left half he just got left half he's inviting celebrities to his house to do the beer olympics hockey, football probably baseball and he asked me if I'd come and then no one's going to beat Shane beer wise? we're talking about Bud Light Bud Light technically isn't drinking I mean for real I'm not even fucking around I know he can die from him doesn't he drink like 20? yeah but anyone can drink 20 Bud Light if you're counting if you're going to sit yeah of course you're counting that's the whole fucking okay hold on this is how it works for me if you say can you drink 20 Bud Light maybe I'll have a tough time but if you're my wife's friend who's a little bit of a cunt and you're watching me drink you go that's 20 Bud Light yeah yeah yeah I get anxiety about stuff like that like when you're like an all you can eat buffet you never can do what I want to do to it why? it's like when I'm going to have sex with Leanne a little bit when we have sex the next one in New York tonight someone's got to pay a tax yeah yeah and so she's buying two more houses she what?
fucking she's out of control what? she called me yesterday she goes the house behind us is for sale I'm going to buy it Jesus you got it on your fucking she goes why because I'm going to buy it I'm going to buy it just say yes and I went and just you know the house next to the studio that's also for sale I'm going to buy it Leanne or is her feet it's her feet I just want to be clear her titskin perfect shoulders shoulders perfect arms perfect stomach thighs love it feet I don't know what happened to her as a child is it the bottoms? Tommy all I got to do is let you feel her feet once nope on the DL I'll be like oh Tom check out Leanne's shoes and you'll be like oh my god I just graze a finger by her feet all creepy and shit I'm like hmm those are nice shoes and I'll leave there and she'll be like Tom technically touched my feet in the special I had a joke about Leanne where I gave her an accent and it was when I was working up the special and she goes don't do that accent I don't like that accent makes me sound stupid and I went well the whole show now is that fucking accent I do it top to bottom the whole fucking show and by the end he's a comedian he's a comedian I make her sound like the most country redneck and she doesn't find it funny but she doesn't have a strong accent thank you Tom you know she doesn't think she has an accent at all and her friend Sandy who's from fucking Vietnam thinks she doesn't have a fucking accent no Leanne has like a dominant accent I mean when I met her I was like who's this fucking redneck I didn't know it was your I didn't know that was your wife I thought it was like somebody fixing shit at the house I did I thought it was like the AC repair lady and then this is my wife I was like what the fuck really she's like I'll thank y'all for coming over I was like okay hey Tommy did you get that text from Tommy and she'll call and she really doesn't think and she's like now my daddy has an accent like you just said my daddy you didn't hear yourself say my daddy yeah yeah that and then I had to take a joke out from Ila you did have to take a joke out one joke I let me take it out I offered her 10 grand you offered her 10 grand I got to 100 grand I got to 100 grand with her I sold you $100,000 if you let me keep this joke in she said nope you're flexing so hard this episode like I mean wait wait let's just stop you just bought two more houses you offered a child $100,000 and you're wearing two fucking Rolexes I mean you're like I want to thank the MGM rewards and the MGM brand at Las Vegas you guys are very kind to us and I genuinely thank you for this Rolex this one this one I'm sorry this one this one that's very cool you guys are really awesome and I hope we get to do more of these and that would be fucking ideal because this is fun we do a podcast we do it by yourselves and then I'll say something and then you'll make me feel crazy and then I look at them and they go no no no I agree that's what we want we want you to keep walking in that path you know what I mean no I offered her a lot of money I said let me keep it in she said no she said dad get your money when you're dead I was like wow can I use that in the next special yeah she told me a joke in private that I then said and I said it on tour and then I recorded it and I told her it was in there and she went whoa whoa whoa what are you doing I was like it's in there and she goes not pulled out and so I pulled it out man can you imagine you hadn't told her it just aired you mean like her period party yeah yeah I know exactly what her reaction would be it went good oh it was not good she watched it on Conan because she got her period and then it was funny and I told her on Conan and she watched it on Conan and she went hold on and hit pause she goes can everyone see this I said it's television sounds like Leanne's been raising her on her own don't worry nobody else will see this ain't nobody going to see it but us and I go yeah it's television she was like what do you mean this is on TV she goes it's on you know you gather your phone to the thing she thought she was watching it that way I said a lot of millions of people are going to see this and she goes you told everyone she goes one of my kids friends at school see this and I went oh I didn't think of that and I said yeah probably and she was upset noticeably upset and then the next morning I got like five emails in my inbox one of them I mean all of them were the same but one of them said was the one that stood out and they said Isla this message is for Isla Isla I want to let you know and thank you for letting your dad tell that story I just got my period this morning and my mom showed me that clip it was on Facebook too and I'm really freaked out about it but tonight we're throwing myself a period party and I'm naming my period Doug and Isla got like I can be emotional about it I'm not even fucking around because I came in and was like so we did a good thing I said yeah baby we did a good thing I guess I don't know I guess that's how it works yeah that's it yeah sure yeah it's a good thing you didn't have to like you know spoiler with something she didn't give a fuck about anything she didn't fly first class yesterday what the fuck you've been talking about that a lot I'm bothered that they sat first class they don't need to they don't need to no they don't notice the difference between first class and business class hold on watch this watch this I'm being serious like I know they have to do first class in business class it's a meal it's a service it's a service the seats are bigger no no no not often and by the way they're tiny human beings business is a lot for these ladies it's a service and I guarantee you I didn't fucking eat she didn't drink she didn't like that fucking bothers me whatever whatever like would you fly your boys in first fucking class they're four and seven I mean no I'm saying I'll see you guys when we get there they gotta be with me I guess you gotta sit up with them at that age they'll be like where are you going dad well we're all going there but you just won't see me for the flight I got a middle seat do you know what this little fucker did so we went on it was their spring break just put on your other Rolex just put on your other Rolex hold on let me tell the story first so we both want fucking Rolex he's sitting here because he's so unrelatable people he's 9 over 10 he's a fat boy right now he said I fucking love it so much that's it oh shit keep going with your story so my kids had spring break this past week we went and we rented a house in Georgia yeah in Georgia why Georgia I've been there when I was a kid and I brought my cousin his kids so it's time for bed and you know when kids are this age if you make a promise to them they're really big you don't want to like you know like pull back so earlier in the day he was like hi Dr. Pepper and we were like alright later so this is your oldest this is my oldest so right before he's like Dr.
Pepper's the sweetest child in the goddamn world your oldest is fucking his kid I looked at a scout for the tattoo of 666 so it's like it's time for bed but they don't have school the next day I was like you know what you can have I don't want to give him a can so I pour some into a cup like this and I go here you go and then I'm saying goodnight to Julian the youngest and when I'm saying alright goodnight I turn around and I'm like where's Alex so I walk I walk into the hallway and he's going down the stairs right hold this cup I go where are you going and he goes I'm gonna go downstairs you have to edit this out of that show and tell that on stage that is fucking hilarious that kid that kid is is special in like the funnest fucking way he is something else my dad said to me when we were home my dad goes hey did Tom's kid really give you toilet water I said yeah and he goes I gotta meet this kid I hope I'm alive for his 21st birthday how old will I be it'll be what is it 14 years from now oh I got that you're gonna be like 64 I may not be drinking but yeah I'll be there that'll be fun coke doesn't pop your liver does it coke? no he does coke all the time look at that guy fucking arms. He's fine. Yeah.
God, Jesus, look at this paparazzi with the fucking guns. I know, he doesn't shoot up either. He's fucking tea-free. Is he tea-free?
Yeah. Yeah. Do you look forward to St. Paddy's Day?
You know, not at all, but I don't care for, I mean, most of the make-believe. Do you know where it came from? St. Patrick's Day first started to honor St.
Patrick on the anniversary of his death. The Christian people held a feast for which Lentenhood and alcohol restrictions were temporarily removed, which is why it has become synonymous with drinking. He was the best holiday, yeah. Christianity to Ireland.
The best holiday? I would love. I'll tell you what. This is your favorite fucking holiday?
St. Patrick's Day? Yeah. What's that?
Oh, it's his birthday. Your birthday's on St. Patrick's Day and you have red hair? Shut the fuck up.
God, how do you not have a little person friend that you hold around with? Do you love St. Patrick's Day because it's your birthday? You probably agree.
But you would do that probably because it was your birthday and not the holiday. Way to go. Way to fucking go. You married a gamer.
Leanne, my biggest regret is we didn't have a third daughter. I would love a 12-year-old right now. I would love it. No.
Fuck you, Pete. You know what I'm trying to say. I said it to you when you agreed with me. And Lacey, this is bullshit.
I would love a younger child at my house. I would love one. You know what I'm saying. You have four fucking kids.
I would love one more kid. One more kid. That's what Kelly said. One more kid.
You would love if you and your wife could have another child. You know, we were in the hot tub and she said, she goes, I ain't got my period. And I said, I was like, for real? She's like, yeah.
And I was like, aw. She goes, I think I'm a menopause dummy. And I was like, ugh. I was like, I went from having a baby to an old lady.
Ugh. How old is she? Fifty-hundred. Fifty-two.
Fifty-two? I like her. Yeah. I do, I do.
It's fucked up that I do. Do you think it would be crazy when she turned 60? Oh, I won't be there. I'm not going to be there for that birthday.
No. That's when I'm fucking her granny. Like, that's like, she'll look like her granny. Yeah.
And I remember her granny. I don't know if I'm, oh, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. It's like when you think about death and you're like, gimme, gimme, gimme, gimme. No, I'll love her.
I'll love her. You think so? Yeah. You think you'll love her in the way that, like, you love your granny?
You know what I mean? You think you'll just treat her like an old lady at that point? No. Or will you treat her like a sexually viable woman?
She's still got it, man. Oh, so then that's good. Like, she's at 52. At 52, she does the thing.
She can, she knows how to. That thing with her tongue. I was trying to say this the other day. I remember.
I forgot this. No video on this one. I was trying to say this. I'm, I'm, I'm, I didn't, I'm not, I don't eloquate.
I don't eloquate myself? That's a word? I don't eloquate myself? Never mind.
I lost my thought. It was something. You're getting her a compliment. You said that she really still has it.
She's still got it. Let me see if I can catch the thought again. Okay. She's still got it.
I got something for you. What? Gays. You've been really high on gays lately.
Dude, if I could invest money in anything, it would be homosexuality. Yeah. Dude, I'm telling you right now. Gay dudes.
Or where it's at? Are killing it. Are fucking killing it. I don't know.
I don't know. I never saw it coming this way. What? I'm not being serious.
I have more affection for gay dudes. Like, if there was a gay bar school sports, I'd sign up for the fucking website. Because gay dudes online are crushing it. Hold on, hold on.
Shut the fuck up. Yeah. Shut the fuck up. Hold on, hold on.
I told you about one. You did. Yeah, you did. Dakota Wright.
Boom. Yes, you did. Yes. Fucking boom.
God damn it. This kid's good. I told you, man. You showed me a clip.
This kid, Dakota Wright, is the most adorable dude I've ever found. I love his husband, Jackson. He is awesome. Get on your phone right now.
If you're listening to this podcast, this is a special episode. This is your one takeaway. Google Dakota Wright and follow him on Instagram. He is so fun.
He puts you in a great fucking mood. I showed you his video backstage. Shane Gillis and I, he was like, I'll get you to crush it. I got one dude I follow.
I go, what's his name? He goes, Dakota Wright. I go, Dakota Wright. He is adorable.
I hope he's cool with me saying it this way. He's younger, but he's adorable. He's fucking funny as shit. And he does videos where he's like, hey, y'all.
BJ Pan's orders. And it's like, four to drink. Can I get, I'm going to get a margarita because I love a Rita. Like he is just, and I started doing them on my Instagram and then sending them to him.
And he's like, can I give you some insights on your martini orders? I was like, oh, yeah. He is awesome. And then I follow another dude, Luke and his sassy brother, Scott.
Do you follow them? Luke and Sassy Scott. They just got hair transplants and they're fighting. And Luke is living with their mom.
And by the way, Luke isn't gay. I just found that out. Because Luke hit me up. He's like, hey, man, I'm not gay.
Yeah, I was like, oh, but he doesn't care. His brother's gay. So I'm going to see them in Melbourne in April. I don't want to meet them.
But gay dudes are crushing it. Like, where are the bros at, right? Like, bros have fallen off artistically. They had a moment when Barstool launched.
And Barstool was like, and like Saturdays are for the boys, right? That was a moment. Tarps off for the boys. That was a moment.
And now gay dudes just took the baton. Front and center. And fucking deep throated it. And they're fucked up.
So you're all in. HBCU. Gay dudes. Steroids.
Steroids. Tug life. Puerto Ricans getting their hair cut. Washcloths are for poor people.
Don't forget that. Dude, I went top to bottom on a washcloth today. I love a good washcloth. Especially the ones here at the MDM Grand.
Rewards at the MDM Grand at Las Vegas. Thank you so much. Yes. They put us up in a dope fucking place.
And the shower was so good, I had to read a manual to figure out how to work it. Listen, that is one of the, like, it is like undervalued how great showers are in Las Vegas. When you get to a Las Vegas hotel room, I feel like the shower is part of the experience of being in Las Vegas. Dude, this shower had a computer panel.
Yeah. I had to figure out how to turn the water, and then I hit the computer panel, and I hear, there's a fucking steak in here. Yeah. It turned into a sauna.
Yeah. It turned into a sauna. Do you guys have a light show to do different colors? Dude, they have four nozzles to spray your tits like you got stopped at deportation.
Yeah, yeah. And they're like, hose him down, he's not from this country or whatever. Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then a big fucking rain one.
And then I just went, I was like, I don't give a fuck about the planet. I turned every, I turned every water on. I was like, waste it. I even turned the sink on and just left it running.
Flushed the toilet twice, got in the shower, and I, big washcloth, top to bottom to my whole body, my feet and my toes too. And then, and then got out. Oh, wow. Yeah, wild.
Yeah. And then, man. You don't do it at home? Right, you said you don't do it.
I barely shower. You barely shower. I barely shower in life. Pool shower.
I'm a pool shower. I'm a pool shower guy. But, like, my shower right now is a V. It's, I do my hair and my beard always.
I'm really weird about that. Cross. And then it's pits and jock, asshole, and that's it. No, so that's pretty much what you need.
I mean, those are the, yeah. Who fucking needs clean legs? Does anyone be like, oh, bro, your legs smell? God, man.
Do you always wash your legs? Do you always go thorough on the legs? Okay, let's go. Okay, ready, ready?
Let's all play a game. Raise our hands, and let's see where you tap out, okay? Everyone raise your hands, okay? Okay.
Every day I wash my hair. Wow. Oh, that's women, that's women. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
All right, hands back up, hands back up. All right. Every day I wash my face. Okay?
Every day I wash my armpits. Hands back up. Yeah. Every day I wash my front bottoms.
Yeah, your crotch. Crotch. Every day I wash my back bottoms. You definitely scrub your asshole every day.
You should. Yeah. She put two hands up. Yeah.
I'd love to see her naked. Who washes their, like, every day I wash my legs? Boom, out. Oh, look at these.
Yeah, look at this fucking rat right here. He's like, how about every day I wash my feet? Whoa. And she's really pretty.
Yeah, she's pretty. But you're an amputee, what did you say? You work construction? You work construction?
Like, okay, hold on, look at her. You work construction? What do you do construction-wise? She's a heavy equipment operator.
Wow. How? And beautiful. She is beautiful.
What are, like, how? Victoria just went to look at her. Yeah. To what degree have you experienced sexual harassment in the workplace?
A lot, a lot, yeah. Are you gay? Are you gay? Oh, no, okay.
Did she applauded for that? Okay. How many people only wash their feet if there's something on your, like, you were in tar or mud, right? No?
Tar. Yeah, that's what I'm saying. Like, you walk on the beach. Wait, wait, wait, wait.
How many people work with tar? One person. Yeah, the lady we're talking to. You are, how'd you get into construction?
I'm in construction. Oh, that makes sense. All right. That tracks.
Okay. There's a really cool thing you can do here in Vegas where you can work, you can get in the machines that they do for every construction, like the big fucking cranes, and you can play with them. I did it before. It was really fun.
I've done so much shit in Vegas. I've shot 50 calibers. I got propositioned by the most beautiful prostitute that I've ever seen in my life. She propositioned you?
She came up to me and she said, hey, what are you doing tonight? And I was like, this is when I was before I met Leanne. And I was like, following you around. And she was like, why don't we just go straight to your room?
And I was like, done. And I was like, are you being serious? And she goes, yeah, I'm being dead serious. And I was like, okay.
I was literally, I might ask her and then murder her just to, you know. Yeah, yeah, cover up the evidence. Call up a construction company, you guys putting down tar today? She was so beautiful.
I had one of the elevator, but I just grabbed my crotch one time. And I thought I was just like, yeah, I thought I was just like, oh, I look, I don't know. And then she was like, no, no, this is going to cost you. I was like, oh.
If Christina passed away. Today. Today. Would you?
Yeah. Me too. Yeah. Oh, I got to fucking, I should put that in my notes of like, I bet when you're grieving, you're probably like, oh, what do I do next?
But if you had already set it up, like when you're in a great mood, and you're like, oh, if she dies, that's a joke, you know, if she dies, these are all the chicks I want to fuck. And I should put in notes on that, so that if it ever happens, I'm like, ready for you. You should have it in your phone. Add those notes.
Adriana Chechik. God, that's the only time I've ever gotten in trouble for this podcast. Really? I swear to God.
Leigh, I got pissed. Really? Me? Fucking snitches.
You fucking, I'm not talking to you guys, I'm talking to you, listening right now. I'm getting her fucking comments. What happened? What did they do?
I guess I said something to the effect of. My wife is old as fuck. Leigh doesn't care about that. This was the thing she cared about.
I would be powerless over you. Oh, yeah. By the way, I go, baby, it's a thought bubble. I'm trying to start a thought, because we're talking.
We have to talk for a fucking living. And so I'm just trying to think of a thing. And I guess you were like, I wouldn't, or whatever. I don't know what the fuck you said, but I love my wife.
I would never cheat on her. Yeah, yeah. And then I was like, but I just met her and Christy Mac are the only two people I've ever met where, and I'm saying it again, and she's going to get upset again, you little fucking snitches, are going into her fucking comments and posting it. Leigh needs all her stupid fucking comments.
And I go, I'm just saying. What did they say to her? I don't know. Bird is powerless.
Bird is being disrespectful towards your relationship. You shouldn't be powerless. Because Leigh goes, but you never cheated on me. I go, yeah, I've had opportunities.
And I've always said no. I've had a ton of opportunities. We had a chick sneak on our bus one time. By the way, could have driven to Oshkosh with us.
She was hot. And she was hanging out in the bus? She snuck into our bus and hid on our bus. It was back when it was just me, Andrew, Ron, and an opener.
What'd she hide in one of the bus? She hid in the back bedroom. That's your bedroom. I know.
So what happened? You fucked her. You're like, I thought you were my wife. I was like, ah, I'm drunk right now.
I can't see very clearly. Where are my contacts? I fucked her accent right at you. Leigh, I'm talking.
No, I said to her, I sincerely appreciate it. But I'm married and I don't see no more wife. It's my go-to thing. It's very easy to cheat if you know what you say when that thing happens.
And you just say it out loud. And you say it. And then I just go, I don't see no more wife. And I don't.
And she got off. And then Ron said to me, Ron said, the next day he goes, can I tell you why you're a man of good fortune? I said, why? He looked at me and he goes, you'd be shocked what a bitch would do for a Nelly headband.
And I fell in love with him that fucking day. And I was like, dude, we're going to be best friends. And so, yeah, but with Adrian and Christy Mac, there's the two chicks that I've been around where I go, where you just say, you're trying to acknowledge that they're fucking, I mean, fucking Goliaths of sexuality. And so I was trying to acknowledge it that it came out disrespectful.
So for that, I am forced to apologize. No, I'm not really. I don't give a fuck. No, but yeah.
I'll do it again. I'm sure I'll fuck it up again. Do what? Fuck it up again.
I'm too honest. I just say everything I think. This can confirm. I don't like look at a thought and then go, oh, that's going to, I lost a joke book one time.
Oh boy. You want to talk about scary? Imagine, imagine if you had all your secret thoughts and you wrote them down. That's what we do.
All your secret thoughts that you found were funny. And then all your secret thoughts are now out there in the world and someone has it. That's when I get canceled. There's a lot of weird secret thoughts in there.
A lot of hard R's in that notebook, right? No, I don't, no, I don't write that word. I don't write that word. I use the word pancakes.
Oh shit. What? Papa John? Papa John.
Remember we saw him at Daytona? Did we? Yeah, I pointed him out to you. God, you blacked out.
I was pretty fucked up. First, we walked into that thing and we literally, Coach Norvell, the FSU football coach, stood up and he was like, hey, what's up to us? Right? So we were like totally geeked out.
And then we turned, we talked to him. He gives us his fucking phone number, which we were thrilled about. And then we turned around and I go, Bert, that's Papa John. And he's like, where?
And I go, the fucking jet black Steven Seagal head over there. That's Papa John. And he was like, Tom, big fan. We did a lot of life.
I love the shit you say. Keep going after him. Keep going after him. I'm being dead serious.
We should really double down on two-year sports management and start recruiting kids out of high school for FSU. Do you know who came to my Tampa show? Who? Derek Brooks.
That's fucking gasp. Do you want to hear something fucking insane? This is going to blow your mind. This is the podcast part where we just, we talk.
I feel like we're doing a show, but also like this. And so, no, I'm good. I don't know what you're offering me, but I'm probably good. Oh, no, no.
I thought it was a Violet Coke. I was like, that guy's got balls. Derek Brooks comes to my show and he presents me like, you know, when you sell out something at the arena, they give you like a fucking lightning jersey. And it's the Gaspera lightning jersey.
So, it kind of means I'm from Tampa. And then we talk. And then I go, can I introduce you to my dad? My dad's a big Florida State fan.
And Bucks fan. Derek Brooks played for the Bucks and for the Florida State. Hall of Famer. Hall of Famer.
Yeah. So, we go back and I bring Derek Brooks. My dad lights up. My dad, by the way, is the first time he's ever seen me perform stand-up live.
Never seen me do stand-up. This is crazy. I know. He hides in the back and doesn't listen.
Because he gets nervous? He's nervous. So, I got him a suite up in the top. Wade Boggs was in his suite.
He was like, Wade, fucking Boggs knows you, buddy. I was like, yeah, I know that. And so, Derek Brooks runs back and he goes, Mr. Christ, you're trying to be crazy to see where your son's come from where he started.
And my dad. And I goes, yeah, I've never seen him do stand-up. And Derek Brooks goes, I was there the first night your son did stand-up. And I'm like, what?
He goes, yeah, Pop Bellies. I was at that show. I was like, Derek Brooks saw me do stand-up at Pop Bellies. And he was like, yeah, man.
I went with Miles. And I was like, shut the fuck up. This is like at a local restaurant. Yeah, it was at Pop Bellies.
It's a bar in Tallahassee. And Derek Brooks was there. And then he saw me do it at the Emily Arena in Tampa. And I was like, that's fucking my dad got emotional.
He's like, buddy, Derek Brooks knows who you are. I was like, yeah, I'm fucking. That is pretty cool, though. Really cool, man.
Mike Allstop was at that show. That's right. Wade Boggs. Who else was there?
It was a fucking, it was thick with athletes. Yeah. But, yeah, so. Well, that story went nowhere.
That's how it goes sometimes. Thank you. Once again, MGM Rewards at the MGM Grand at Las Vegas. Happy St.
Patrick's Day. Happy St. Patrick's Day. Hold on, hold on, hold on.
Hold on. Should we do like a one-minute Q&A? Okay. Because people are here, and I don't know if there's any fun questions.
Yes, ma'am, with an adorable haircut. We're getting married to Marnell. Whoa. Congratulations to both of you.
Young lady with the blonde hair. Where's my wife? In New York. I leave, I leave in like 30 minutes to go fly back to New York.
Yeah. I have to. Leanne and Isler are there. They flew first class.
I don't know if you heard. He's very upset about it. Lady with the tattoos. Oh.
Isn't that great? I got to tell you. Hold on. I can't believe that's your question.
Because, because what my question was, was how terrified were you to use your body again on a basketball court? A little bit. Because you played hard. I played hard.
Well, except, like, you could tell that I would, I was scared to do more defensively. If you watch, like, I'm just kind of like, like, yeah, your brain still is like, your knees are going to explode. Hey, first of all, though. Did my joke about Tom make it in the special?
Disabled comedian who can't do this? Yeah, yeah, okay, yeah. I haven't seen it yet. Well, spoiler alert.
Just so you know, I've got one coming about you. I think you're going to like, uh. Just so you know, I've got a real good one that I'm doing now. I've heard.
I've heard. So, sweet. Keep going about the. So, yeah.
Look, David Walter, the weatherman from Erie that flew down to Austin to play basketball one-on-one. It was, it was actually an awesome experience. There was, if you're watching, there's what we're playing at 21. At one point, I'm up 20 to, I didn't remember, 20 to 11.
And he comes back and scores six uncontested. I was like, oh, fuck. Like, he was doing shit, like, over the back of his head. It looked like he did not know how to play basketball.
It looked crazy. Yeah. But it was an awesome experience. He was a great dude.
And I was, I really, I think if I had lost, I actually think I would have physically assaulted him. Yeah. I think I would have been arrested. Go ahead, man.
Sir. Sir. So, what would you say is a big pet peeve in my time? Good question.
It's a good question. Tom's always complimenting my stand-up. Makes me uncomfortable. He's like, you're so much better than I am.
No, my biggest pet peeve about Tom is I can't get him to match my emotion at times. Because I want him to be as excited as I am. And sometimes I just watch his eyes go, no, I'm leaving now. If I could get Tom to never say, no, I'm leaving now, again, he's done it so much.
Like, I can't understand that. Like, you do Rogan with Tom, and you're having a good time, he's like, I'm leaving. And you go, hang on, we're doing the biggest media outlet in the world. Like, give us, like, one more minute.
He goes, I'm walking out now, goodbye. All right, next, you don't answer your story. I don't want to hear it. No, for you, it's definitely that, like, we're, he just, I will text him and call him sometimes for, like, a week straight.
And then I'll finally get, I'm like, the fuck? And he's like, I'm busy. I'm like, we're all busy. And he's just like, I just know, I gotta go.
And then he hangs up on that call. So it's definitely getting a hold of you. Yeah, I'm really tough to get a hold of. I'm really tough.
Like, he's a fucking prime minister. I have a social anxiety. Yeah, I've been around him. Like, I know you're living on your phone.
You're fucking storying every second of your day. You're seeing these calls. I got busted the other day. I think it was Pete.
I don't know if he didn't call me on it, but I posted something on Instagram, and then he called me, and I pretended to be asleep. And he goes, he goes, what are you doing? I said, I'm sleeping. And he's like, uh.
Yeah, I signed with Pete. Look, we have to wrap. No, no, no, wait, wait, one more, one more. Let's just clean out our questions.
They're never going to get this opportunity again because you live in a golden tower. Go ahead. Yeah, yeah, I did, I did, I did, I did. Thank you.
Appreciate it. Thanks for your support. Thank you. Certainly look like you're stored in the capital.
Have you ever made contact with Mark? No, the closest I got was the nephew of his store manager, and it's, uh, he knows. That's what we got, yeah, he knows. He knows.
Guy in the two bears hat. Vice for a new girl dad. Vice for a new girl dad. A new girl dad?
Uh, don't, they're different. Don't threaten them with lies. Treat her like a boy. There you go.
Yeah, don't threaten them with lies. I fucking did that so much. All right. I said, you guys are fucking bored in school.
Daddy, please don't. I was like, this was a lie. All right, all right. Brother in the black and then this guy.
Brother in the black. You guys can go back to one of each other after you get a G-T cup? Uh, I know, I know. Are you getting me something?
Yeah, I'm trying. He's, he's, this guy's, it's very difficult. Well, because I want to get you something good. I want to, I'm not going to get you.
Do you like the statue right now? I love the statue. Well, that's the thing. I like that.
I don't know. It's tough. It's hard to beat Hitler's fucking teacup. It's just hard to beat it.
I don't know how to fucking beat it, so I gotta go parallel. Okay. So, yes, sir. Sir in the back.