We're in home with Sarah and to Neil Sarah. Hey, friend. Hey, what's going on? Well, we're going to talk about dads, aren't we?
Well, I guess Father's Day is coming up this weekend. So we are really looking forward to honoring all the wonderful dads out there. The men that are important to us. No, men are important.
You know, I like to start with statistics and things like that. But the National Fatherhood Initiative says that involved fathers reduce the risk of so many things, just some of them emotional problems, behavioral problems, teen pregnancy, criminal activity, substance abuse, suicide, the list goes on and on. So dads are important. They are.
They matter. Well, I were two dads personally are very important to us. I mean, we would be we are. I think our dads have been someone different.
So yes. And moms who haven't involved dad, and this is probably going to come as no surprise, they have healthier birds, but also lower parenting stress and higher marital satisfaction when you're actually married to the father. OK. Well, those are positive things here.
They are positive. So we wanted to bring a positive dad into the conversation. And this is Justin Thomas. Now Justin, he's the family and some resources regional program leader over in the Eastern region of Tennessee.
And before we even bring him into the conversation, Sarah, I think our listeners need to know there would be no Sarah and Neil if there wasn't a Justin. Because I went to a session a long time ago about his podcast. Right. And I came back and fired.
And I'm like, how about we do this? I'm never going to be as good as Justin. But we got to give a surprise. So Justin, welcome to the conversation.
What would it bring at home? Hey, Sarah and Tenele, it's good to be with you all. I didn't need all the flattery there, but I sure do appreciate it. You are the inspiration behind this podcast.
So we're glad you could join us today because you are dad. You are father. So I am ready to be celebrated this weekend. And so I'm going to talk a little bit because, you know, parents don't parent the same necessarily.
You know, fathers bring in balance into the whole because we don't have the same personality as the mother and the father. We don't necessarily have the same views on world events. And having two parents around can kind of give a child a whore well rounded. Yeah, it's a good one.
So it's so it's so it's so what does balance look like in your house, Sarah? What does balance look like? Oh, well, what you just said really defines us because Josh and I have a lot of different opinions about things. But we have a lot of the same values and morals and a lot of things that are important to me are also important to him and vice versa.
And also we learn from each other's differences. And we see that in our kids too. There's one child that's a lot like him personality wise and one that's a lot like me personality wise. So it helps us parenting them a lot better.
OK, so Justin has a father. What do you have balancing your house? Do you and your wife kind of balance each other out? I don't know the balance is a word that we know too well because we do have a bunch.
But, you know, we do have a couple of kids, a daughter who's nine, my son is five, and my other son just turned two. I call him the goon squad because I mean, you know, those are like that. That's what they are. It's all over the place.
Oh, that's a range. Oh, it's 88 and half the gate from six a.m. Until bedtime. And so it's one of those.
It's like you just kind of hold on and go. We do balance each other well. You know, it's one of those things. You know, each parent has their own specific style.
They have all these things they bring from their past, from their households. And it's one of those things where, you know, I came from a home where my biological father had left. And, you know, I had a stepdad who stepped in when I was in second grade and was there and raised us and was part of, you know, we had a nuclear family there and there wasn't a shared custody type of situation. And so it was that was the family.
He's that. Yeah. When I call that he's the one I call on Father's Day. He's the one I call him the car breaks down.
You know, all the things you called down for. You're mad at the dishwasher because you can't get it to work. You call that. So I had that and then, you know, her parents have been married almost 40 years now.
And her grandparents before that had been married 70 years before they passed away. Oh, 70 years. We might get to try. Okay.
So, you know, we had the benefit, you know, of seeing some really, really strong marriages and, you know, getting to know her grandparents. It really taught us a lot of different things. You know, you're talking about several generations there. So a lot of different views on how life and the house is supposed to be.
But with balance, we really try to work to kind of meet each other. Because, you know, she does things. I'm the one that cooks in the house. You know, if we're home cooking, it's me because if she's cooking, we're going to have barbecue chicken, mashed potatoes and macaroni.
And other than that, you know, that's pretty much it. So we balance each other well, you know, our styles are very, very different. But it's one where we can kind of tag. We almost tag team, you know, we know when to tag out.
Yes. Yes. I agree. So, you know, you brought up a point, you know that y'all and I think it's Neil, I know it's Neil's family background and mine, we're similar.
We have a lot of longevity in marriages, but not every family, you know, looks like that. Right. So that is, as we move forward in this too, that there's a lot of different family makeup out there, you know. So the next thing to kind of for us to talk about, we often say we feel and I'm air quoting here for all of y'all.
Nobody can be here. We feel safer, maybe air quote with a man in the house, but with kids that, you know, safety goes beyond just being able to sleep at night, you know, a dad usually means more income. And when we think about financial safety, how does that relate to physical safety? The link between financial safety and physical safety Justin, what do you think?
Yeah, I think there's some truth in that. You know, I think, you know, when you're financially stable, you don't have to worry about things day to day. And you know, in our day and age, you know, many times the households have two working parents, you know, there is someone to move it back towards, you know, one parent working in the house, it seems, but the reality of it is in our economy, most of them were two parent working households. And we know our parent, these goals and reasons, guys, we're reaching parents to be seen.
But you know, I think it does, you know, because then you can actually focus on, you know, growing and learning and you're not worried about where the next checks coming from or when the next bills getting paid. You know, it's there. I think of a story, every time I'm going, you know, I'll know as a program leader, you travel a lot more than you do as an agent. And my kids, at least one of them, every time I'm going overnight, whether it's a night or several nights, one of them will wake up in the middle of the night and throw up.
No, it's one of those weird things. And so my wife now, she's like, great, you're leaving. She said, at least one of them is guaranteed to do that. And I told my mom that one time, I said, hey, go easy on making this one.
If she's ill when she drops the kids off. I said, you know, it's been a little crazy the house last night. And I said, well, that's because that provides security when he's there. They know.
Yeah, they're not. Yeah, I like that. But we need to talk about what security looks like because they don't even do that every time I leave. No, yeah, like a change does not need to spark.
But there's a whole different atmosphere in the house. You know, we're used to that dad being there and dad's not there. We feel a whole that's there that's not being covered. So Justin, for boys, a father is an important role model in aspects of maleness that we don't necessarily see play out in the media or in movies or, you know, these types of things.
So what are some things that can be learned from a father as far as a boy that he might not pick up from other sources? Well, I think you got to show them, you know, you can't tell them to be a man. You've got to show them what it's like to be a man. You got to show them what responsibility is around the house.
You know, everybody does it a little bit different. You know, my parents always had an inside outside. That took everything outside. Mom took care of anything inside.
Well, it's not quite like that in our house. We kind of have been flow because we're both working. And so, you know, one day I'll make a granddishes as much as I hate the dishes with a passion. And then, you know, the next time my wife, but I think the biggest thing for me is less about what is happening in the house chore wise or outside the house chore wise, but helping them understand how to love people inside the house.
Like how we treat each other in the house, ought to be how we treat people outside the house, whether they're family or not. And so, you know, all those other things we can learn to mow the yard, we can learn to wash dishes, we can learn to balance the checkbook, but we can't learn how to treat people unless we see it mirrored. And so I think a lot of the rest of that comes along because you treat each other in a specific way. And then you can actually teach somebody something when they know you care about how they're doing and they're well-being.
And so I think really we got to show, you know, I think one of the big mistakes of my parents generation was they didn't show any sign of emotional anything. Like my dad, I don't know if he's ever cried a tear in his life. And so, you know, it's okay. Sometimes, you know, there's time when we need to be able to cry and there's times we need to be able to laugh and times where we're going to be sad and times where we're going to grieve and times where it's just going to be mundane and nobody likes it.
That's really my five-year-old. That's what he can't stand right now. If it's mundane and there's not something happening, he hates it. And I'm like, go get an imagination.
I love it. That you mentioned the emotions because, you know, so many times and in so many settings, you know, you see fathers that don't allow their voice to cry or be disappointed or sad or all of these themes. And I know you saying that a dad has to kind of volatify, is that a word, validate. There we go.
Validate those emotions, invoices. Yeah. Yeah. And that's true.
I mean, you know, there's many times I have to catch myself, my dad inside of me, I won't tell my son stop crying. And then I remember I'm like, no, no, let's talk about why we're crying before we say stop crying. So, because some of that is, you know, some of it you do need to stop crying because a lot of stuff, and you got to kind of suck it up, but other stuff, it's like, all right, hey, let's suck it out, get this out, take a breath and move on. Yeah, that's so true.
Yes. Yes. So I talked about the boys. Okay.
So girls, how can it involve, I can't speak and involve father can really affect a lot of things for girls, you know, what kind of girls specifically you learned from her dad? Oh, boy. Listen, let me give you one caveat here. My nine year old was in the training bar already.
I'm stressed out. Well, I guess you ain't gonna learn to manage that. No, there are indeed. And I think it's one of those things for me is I want her to know how low she is.
I want her to realize how beautiful she is and I want her to realize, you know, how a man should treat a woman. And so, you know, my kids that gross them out, but they will, I make sure that they see me kiss their mama at least once a day. And I say, oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, they don't come get between some pushes.
I want them to know that beyond anything that I love their mother with all my heart. And for her, you know, I think for her subconsciously, she's going to recognize, hey, I know how dad treated mom and he treated her like a queen. And so that's what I'm looking for. And so I think it's all in demonstrating how we treat each other.
And so the other thing on that is really being patient because I mean, the older she gets home, Lord, you know, you got to figure it out. And so it's one of those things we don't really have a playbook here. So that would be helpful. That would be helpful.
Parenting 101. Yeah, I think there's a few of those out there, but it doesn't go. It doesn't cover everything. So let's talk about a man playing with his child, you know, when moms play with the kids, especially smaller children, it's kind of different than when dad plays with the kids.
You know, mom is kind of gentle most of the time. Sometimes dad, it gets kind of rough and tumble and tumble and difficult. The play is even different with a dad. Oh, yeah, my two year old, when I go to change his diaper, which I'm hoping we get an excellent rather than lighter.
I'm body slamming him on the bed and tension. I'm like, here we go. One, two, three. And I mean, he laughs the entire time.
And it's like, maybe I need to stop doing this. He likes it too much. But you know, I think it's one of those things kids are going to punch kick and buy and all those different things. But the reality of it is, is we've got to teach them in kind of a safe spot what this looks like and how to fight and how to punch and all those things that I'll leave you there for a second to nail.
Did you catch me? No, I got you. I got you. So the reality of it is, you know, we'll get on the trampoline and we'll wrestle and we'll play popcorn and they'll pop me, you know, just as hard as they can, which is not very hard.
And then I'll turn around and pop them over the top of the net, which a whole other podcast is why the trampoline's have net. So that didn't happen. We were kids. You just fell through the spring.
You called it you and you got the hot. There's a reason why trampoline's have me. That's the whole of the pot. I mean, like that title.
Yeah. So I mean, it just is it is. Kids kids are going to be physical. So I mean, it's it's almost an outlet when that plays with them to let some of that out because they've got to get that out.
I mean, they're never going to go to bed. Very true. Very true. So let's talk about their behavior.
Okay. So children's behavior tends to be better at school and home when there is an involved father. I mean, there's a lot of research backing. So it all research also tells us that mothers will often adjust the discipline to the child's state of mind, but dads tend to be more consistent and stable with their discipline.
What does this look like for you? Okay, Sarah, I'm going to put you on the spot here. I'm going to put you on the spot. So they're saying dads were consistent with his discipline and mom may start out, you know, hard and then if the child's emotional reaction, mom would say, well, you know, maybe not.
I'm probably guilty of it. But also, you know, I do feel like I'm strict, strict when necessary, but I'm always going to wrap that with some affection or whatever, you know, love that kind of tender kind of thing. Yeah. The traditional thing.
But my kids also know like is dad going to find out? Okay. So they know the dad, they know the consistency there. I mean, Justin, are you?
Oh, is that the house? Oh, yeah. Right now, you know, with the nine year old homework is the big deal where we end up, you know, she is a, in a monastery school that our church does. And so it's a little bit different.
It's kind of like a homeschool cooperative. And so they do give them a little bit more responsibility in that city. And so, you know, I can think of about three different times this year where she let it slide, that she didn't have homework, but she had homework. And the last round I come in and she was like, moping, eating dinner.
And I said, what in the world is going on? Megan said, she hasn't done her homework and she's got a book do in three days. She said, and we've taken care of it already. And I just looked and popped her didn't have to say where she said that.
I know I'm going right now. I try you separate. And she said, after I get out of my bath, I'm going to read and when I get over the morning, I said, yeah, you are. You're going to read every second of your life.
And you know, they don't really roll out of that. You know, Charleston is 20. You have an older child. Yes.
And you know, he would ask me 17, 18 years off. Dad didn't have no bad. He's doesn't, you're not going to tell dad you are you. And I mean, he would say the same thing now, because he still lives in our house.
So he still doesn't want dad to find out. Oh, yeah. I mean, I remember, you know, it was one of those I threw a fit on my mom in sixth grade. I mean, you all know they were this is going if I remember it still.
I threw a fit on my mom for this shirt. I did not wear on picture day. And I mean, I threw a fit. Well, I got home and I got a fit outside of my bed.
And I was fit the big time. He probably was to. Yeah. I think we've all probably had an instance like that in our childhood.
Oh, for sure. Yeah. So, you know, it's one of those things and I've got to bring it up. I mean, y'all, y'all know me, but your listeners may not know too terribly much.
But you know, first and foremost, I am a father and me personally, I'm based what I do biblically. And so, you know, Ephesians tells us don't provoke your kids to anger. It says bring them up in the fear and admonition of the Lord and Colossians Paul also writes to that church there. And he says the same thing, don't provoke your children to anger, unless they become discouraged.
And so the reality of it is, is it's not about, you know, on the behavior side and the discipline side, it's not about making a point to where your children are angry and tore up. It's about raising them up in discipline and order and making sure that they understand kind of what the code of the house is and the code of the community and the code of what you believe. It's not about discouraging. It's not about, you know, breaking their spirit of breaking their wheel.
It's not, you know, setting boundaries so that they don't do something far more stupid when they're older. Right. As if they do need boundaries. Now, something I've seen, men are more competitive than women, typically.
Now, that's a blanket statement, but men have a tendency to be more competitive. They push their kids harder. It doesn't matter if we're talking about the sports field, if we're talking about in school, whatever it is that we're talking about, men tend to push women, tend to guide with love, where your father wants to be proud of you. He wants you to excel so that he can tell you how proud he is of you.
So have you seen that in the families that you've come in contact with over the years where you've come in contact with your father is the more competitive one. I have. I have. I've also seen single violence as well.
Maybe it's the people we surround ourselves with because we're both very competitive people. I guess it, I think another word for the less athletic you get as you get older, I think the word becomes less of competition and more of stubbornness. Because you can't do as much as you want to do this. You're still stubborn enough to think you can.
But you know, as far as the competitiveness, you know, it's really one of those things where you look around and there is a bad competitive edge of the parents. I have, you know, we see a lot of parents today that are signing folks up for pitching lessons and we're doing the baseball and softball thing. And so my son's in the five six year old league and they're parents that have their sons set up for biting practice with a biting coach at five years old. And I'm like, y'all, come on.
That's the window, Sarah. That's where we went wrong with y'all. And so I was like, this is insanity. And so, you know, they got pitching coaches and eight you softball and I'm just like, what?
They don't even pitch in eight you. And so, you know, just some of this is just the nature of our society that people are so competitive. But I think you do see fathers getting more more competitive than mothers for the most part. And I think really the thing that we've got to do as parents, both mothers and fathers is no matter how competitive we are.
And my wife and I really struggle with this. It's been a long baseball season because my son's team stuck. I mean, it was bad news bears like 22 almost every game. That's how bad that is.
So we have to lick our chops and be like, son, you did a good job. And it was like, you didn't really do a great job. But we love you anyways. You're five.
And so, you know, some of my competitiveness, we've got to harness it to where they know that, you know, hey, I want to be the best. I want to do the best, but the reality of it is that they're not going to be the best of everything. And we're not going to be, but I think it's pushing our kids in a way to say, hey, you know, it's okay to be competitive, but it's not okay to be cutthroat. Right.
Very true. So as we wrap up and kind of think about looking to the future, how would you say the involvement of fathers affects children as they grow up and begin to establish their own families. I don't think about that yet. No, but I mean, it's, you're closer than I am.
Hey, hey, I have that conversation. That's what you think. I know I'm still on the early stage of this, but you know, working in Extension and being a pastor as well. You know, I've seen people at every stage of life and the reality of it is this.
We've got a window of time with our children to impart to them what what we know, what we believe, who we are and give them the best tools we know how to succeed and the reality of it is this, you know, there was this whole mentality of when you're 18 fly the coop and you're an adult with reality is our kids are all the same. We know that you're still developing at 25. I was not one of those. I was ready to get out.
I was too. I don't know what's going on. I will drive out of here. I don't care if I've got to go on two feet.
But the reality of it is, you know, when we think about it, we've just got to do our best to give them the tools and then as they start approaching into that early adulthood. It's kind of one of those. I hope I can do better than my dad did it because that didn't let go. And we've had a lot, but the reality of it is, is it's something we got to realize that we've raised them up and we've got to release them, you know, again, not to over over biblical.
Not to be over biblical on you today, but I mean, we're talking about fatherhood is beyond being a program leader, but you know, so almost 27 tells us that our children are heritage and they're like arrows in the hands of a warrior. Well, an arrow is not meant to stay in the quiver and arrows meant to be launched into the battlefield. And so the reality is we've got to take the arrows and we have to launch them. And that's the only thing to do because we're talking about everything we've invested our life in, but you know, we also know in Proverbs 22 we train them up in the way they should go in the neighborhood part from it so reality is is we have to have to give our kids everything we know to give them and we've got a limited window to do it.
And then we've got to hope and then for those of us that believe and have faith, you've got to say, hey, listen, I'm going to pray that it's six because there's going to be down here. Cause I know my mom I prayed a lot of prayers that didn't look like they were coming to fruition for it for several years. But that's amazing. You know, just discussion because dads do matter.
We talk a lot about mothers and their roles, but you've got to have a dad. There was a dad in the beginning. There needs to be a dad involved the whole way because we talked about the benefits. Right.
And I think for those kids that we might know in our lives that don't have involved that then we need to step up and see what we can do to help them out. Statistics say one in four. Yeah. One in four or so.
We want to fill in the gap. That's where some of the kids that don't have involved that. Just a thanks so much for this conversation again. You're our podcast inspiration.
We thank you for that. And we just want to wish you a happy Father's Day. Hey, thanks. I appreciate it.
I hope that I can fire up the grill and take a quick nap on my recliner. But who knows I've got three kids under 10. It ain't going to happen. That's a pretty small wish list.
Hopefully that would be a great gift. That would be a great gift. And happy Father's Day to all of our listeners. Absolutely.
Yes. And in the words of our Harley, we'll live the life you love. I love the like you. Take care everybody.