Bringing it Home: How to Avoid a Jerk!

we are never ever ever getting back together oh my goodness oh bringing it home with sarah and teneal have you ever just said we're never ever ever getting back together i think we've all been there oh i've been there and so today valentine's this week yes so i know this is kind of off valentine we are we definitely are but we want to talk about something today called how to avoid falling for a jerk yes this is a curriculum it's a curriculum and it's it's really it's really fun and it's based on a book by dr john baddell uh very good information and basically it's what it says how to avoid getting tangled up with a jerk or did you know there's a jerk yes so women can be jerks as well so go ahead and tag somebody oh no no don't tag anybody um but this program helps to identify jerks but it also helps to teach us how to build healthy relationships and what to look for in a partner so that we don't continuously get involved with jerks that's right it's a really great program we're going to share some of the main ideas with y'all today yes definitely um so what do you consider to be a jerk um some things that come to mind are self-centered uh dishonest um rude you know people that um do not allow to try to keep it to themselves don't allow you oh yeah that's a jerk move what about you i don't like being lied to no liars are jerks to me um selfish people that are not respectful towards others right that's a jerk in my opinion or a jerk yes definitely you know there are times where we need to realize there's a difference in being a jerk and acting like a jerk because there is a difference okay so you can act like a jerk without actually being one right like i'm sure i've been a jerk before like where i'm irritated and i'm tired and i'm done and i snap off to somebody that's acting like a jerk but the difference is i realize what i've done and i changed that behavior and i apologize and i don't do it again so an actual jerk kind of doesn't really want to change they're not there yet they don't care that they've offended you or hurt your feelings or made you feel bad or right i got you so we can all be jerks we can be jerks we can act like jerks and not be jerks okay got you so what happened in today's society you know people used to meet they dated from childhood pretty much they got married they stayed married 60 70 years and they died well you know one thing different um back and back years ago like families kind of got together and decided who was going to marry who you know like well your kids that's true you know if we had kids or about the same age we would just decide when there were babies that they're going to get together yeah i mean the grown-up together long-standing family tradition you know similar lifestyles yeah things like that the person the individual didn't have as much say well and they thought that single people needed guidance they thought that single people needed help deciding who they need to be with and the parents were the authorities you know we decided you didn't buck that no no we knew who our children needed to be with and we still feel that way sometimes but it's not that family guidance isn't good right i would i want to know that you know i enjoyed knowing that my parents love my husband right that would have been a hard thing to go against yes definitely and another thing that's kind of happened our society used to be more segmented and now it's more diverse you know there were clusters of people that grew up in this community some grew up in this community some grew up in this one and transportation wasn't as readily available as it is now and so you married who you knew you know and now things are more diverse you may grow up on the west coast and end up meeting someone on the east coast because you went to college there and married them right or you have a friend that has a friend and now you know like you have transportation i mean you can hop in the car in another city in 30 minutes and meet new people at some place you're hanging out right you know or you make a church in another town that you don't live in and you meet somebody or you work elsewhere yes definitely and i think technology plays a huge role in how it's changed you know there was no such thing as online dating or you know there were no apps that you could swipe left and do all these things you're right but i have a very a very good couple friend that they met um years ago online and are very happily married have children like so i know you do so i mean it's not unheard of at all but it would have been years ago sure the way that you meet people has changed definitely so that's you know that's a big big shift in culture society well it is so we want to prepare for good relationships yes yes we want to get ready so the first thing we've got to do is kind of know what our non-negotiables are now these are the things that we absolutely are not going to give on this has to happen in a relationship so if i when i meet this person if they do some of these behaviors we're done or they don't meet this right thing then we can't go any further so what would be an example of one of your non-negotiables basically we stop here you don't need this well you know my i for me it's a shared faith you know because i feel like that guides our morals and values okay yeah so not that i don't appreciate and respect other faiths but you know long term right on the same page right right so what about you i think it has to be respect and when i put respect i mean uh being honest and forthcoming with me sure um but uh someone would also have to know how to laugh i like to laugh and have a good time so if i was with a guy and you know every time we told a joke he just kind of looked like like humor yeah he would he would be the one for me if he didn't know how to laugh trust is huge um if i can't trust you i don't blame i could spend time with you you know especially in this way right so people need to figure out what their non-negotiables are they may be different from ours so then we need to think about our past relationships what was similar about them you know definitely that was similar um but you know sometimes where we met them um you know if you're meeting all of your significant others in one location and it keeps not working out we need to change locations before we meet someone else or is there a similar personality trait you know maybe they play a certain sport or they you know drink a certain type of coffee i don't know but you know you can look back over the people that you've been involved with and if you see a similarity you know that might be something to think about you need to recognize that for sure and also you need to realize like not all relationships end on bad terms sometimes you just outgrow each other yeah you know and we all change over time right so think about why it didn't work out right what did you learn from that yes yes um and then sometimes when you think about what your non-negotiables are those people didn't meet in the first place you're right and we cannot change people no and i think a lot of people get hung up in that right you know they're not going to change you are you going to allow them to change you i hope not you know but we don't take what they say they may tell us the truth when we need them we say oh yeah but once he gets to know me yeah not the case um i think in this book they talk about a 90 day trial period with a person so what i say on day one may not be what i'm showing you on day 30 or day three yes you know because at the beginning of every relationship everybody's on their best behavior but the longer you spend with them that 90 day trial period it sounds funny but um within three months you're going to see their true character good or bad or things that drive you nuts that are non-negotiable or hey that's not really that big of a deal i want longer than 90 days i want to see the holidays i want to see the football playoffs when the team doesn't win i want to see the reaction to a lot of stuff i need longer than that in the book dr van up says that you really truly need um to give it 90 days before making a commitment or doing anything that you know you wish you hadn't looking back so that's definitely something to think about because you're going to see these behaviors that we've talked about yeah shine through in one way or another with within that time frame with unlikely you know i want to go back to something i said um you think about the meeting place you know if you met all of your past uh you know partners at a place it can even be a good place for example um church church is a good place in most people's minds but even if you're meeting people at church that doesn't mean that it was a divine purpose that you all were going to meet sometimes you just happen to be in the same building that's right and that doesn't mean that you were destined to be together forever no so and you you're going to learn something from each relationship so you know use that knowledge you know and before and don't if you haven't found yourself dating a lot of jerks or jerks don't blame yourself just make a decision to be looking for those healthy relationships maybe be a little bit more choosy or a little more patient well my mom always had no settle and she's right you know you deserve you all listening everyone deserves to be happy and deserves to be treated with respect and honesty and yes all of those things so you know you know so we talked about like past relationships somewhat and we learned through those so teneal and i have i've been happily married for quite a while now so i was 14 years last month and you're right behind us so i mean we're um you know we're doing pretty good so i guess the question is kind of like what's different you know what what was different from the start which you know i would expect that question how did you know he wasn't a jerk um you know what he was so loving towards other people he was so loving towards others he was very kind he is and that was something that i really admired it was a level of kindness that i had not seen from other people i dated so i think that's what struck me most yeah yeah very kind much kinder than i am well you know with josh the lacquer comes into play because we've got to be cut up yeah we do have that shared faith and shared values um and the things that we want in our future were very similar yeah you know those things that we think are important um trust was important to both of us yeah now we have grown a lot in 14 years and i know in the next 14 plus years we're going to continue to grow but we grow together you know and we laugh yeah we got the stupid things that nobody else would laugh at or think was funny yeah but that's a connection for if i'm laughing at something dumb and he's looking at me like i'm crazy you know that's it but we both bring just like you and charlie bring different things to the relationship and it complements each other yeah and we're and both of us um our marriage's commitment is very important right right you know because everything is not perfect all the time but the commitment was evident from day one and you know people are not going to be just alike i don't want to be married to me no i don't either no so we we're going to be different from our partners yeah but i just think it's important that um you know we'll go back to what we talked about last year this time which was love languages in case you missed it but you know just knowing how to show that other person that they mean a lot to you and it takes work it does but the reward is so good the reward is great yes so i thank you all for joining us for this episode of bringing it home and if you want to know more um you know well sarah's down to say something say it sarah i just have to say in the book dr man up makes a really hilarious i guess it's a reminder to us that when you get married you're not just marrying that person right yes oh yeah he does talk about that they get us all family moms you get the whole family uncle and and you know that can be a gift yes so and so if you see crazy before y'all get married don't think crazy disappears after y'all get married no you're just gonna join in and have fun yeah you gotta join in with the crazy and be part of it um he calls it you can't marry jethro without getting the clamped is what he calls it and when i said this to a high school audience one time they looked at me they're like who you can't do what who's jethro google the beverly hillbillies for all of our young listeners google the beverly hillbillies and you'll know what we mean for more information on how to avoid fall for jerk and dr john vannell uh go to lovethinks.com l-o-v-e lovethinks.com and you can find out a lot of resources there you can buy the book it's a really great book yes it is it is and so in the words of mr bob marley i know he wasn't a jerk i would like to think not he seemed like way too late back yes definitely you need to live the life you love that's right and love the life you live happy valentine's day to charles and to all of our listeners