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8Cast.com I'm trying to know as little as possible if I don't know anything about them already. There's obviously a few things I can't avoid just from living my life. And some of these things are going to be a little bit more difficult. I'm trying to know if I don't know anything about them already.
I'm trying to know if I don't know anything about them already. There's obviously a few things I can't avoid just from living my life. And some of these films I've seen before since taking on this task. I've refused to watch any later.
Nicholas Cage films. I'm not watching any trailers, not looking at any scores. I look out at the end. Going about every week, I'm going to see my scores match those of scores to find on the internet.
And see if I can hit the **** idiot. And you know what? Probably will find out that I am. I often toy with the idea of just packing in this podcast because like what you're doing, you're benefiting the world in any way, probably not but it's funny in it.
It's real funny. I'm going to do it anyway. So yeah, and the other rule is no distractions. So I will turn my phone off, turn my light, pretty much have no contact with the inside the outside world.
I'm pretty much insular in this Nicholas Cage bubble. And that's why I'm going to stay until after the film. After the a little bit of a little bit of a little bit of a line just seems as if I could find something like I had to talk about the film. I always say that.
I'm going to do that. I always forget. I always own this podcast while I'm going to share stuff on social media that it's all about. Because these podcasts are kind of just my reactions afterwards and stuff like that are literally there.
They're going from notes but they're literally it's me just spitballing. None of this is scripted. It is just what the fuck drivels out of my mouth at the moment that I start recording. And I kind of like that.
I'm going to keep it that way. But yeah, if you've never listened before, it's going to be fun. If you're here because you like Garden Test, always go back to some previous episodes. There's some fucking great films.
I really recommend film wise and absolutely wise. I really recommend Dead 4, which was episode 17 maybe or 18. I think it was 18. Oh, there's yeah, there's loads.
What's Rumblefish? That was actually two. A real fish fucking great film. Episode eight as well.
Peggy Sue got married. Peggy Sue got married. It is a fantastic film. I really enjoyed that.
But yeah, sorry about the noises while my upstairs neighbors are cleaning their carpets. So if you hear like a hum, I think I can get to that. I can just hear it really sad if I'm working here just in real life. But yeah, sorry about that.
It's probably not the best for a podcast. But I've got to record this because it's only three time I have this week to do so. So I'm going to get my feet up, turn my phone off and get raging with a Cajun. Feels like I've been awake for days.
What do you feel I'm starring Nick in this cage? Could be shit or it could be fun. Bally, girl face off an army of one. Dead for corne, a lord of war.
The wicker man trust me so many more. Now how it starts? I don't know how it ends. The first ten or so then it's me and some friends.
No distractors, no expectations over the weeks. Here my frustrations. I guess the podcast is about to begin. I'm your host Petra Pussy and I'm gauged in and we're back.
I actually watch this film yesterday. A data ruminate, percolate, just really get my thoughts. I did a little bit of research after watching this one as well kind of them. Looked at the director.
Haven't still hadn't looked at the scores. So this is a 1994 film. As I said in the intro, it's Guarding Tess. It's the story of a reluctant special agent who has an assignment from how Guarding the ex-president's wife, the old president that died and his detail is to look after the president, the ex-president's wife who is just a tyrant.
She kind of has them doing all sorts of stuff that really is a special agent you don't think you should be doing. It's a lot of getting a breakfast like a guy to play golf out in the snow. God damn it. Yeah, he kind of wanted a bit more White House down.
He's kind of a bit of blue rinsed down. That's kind of where he's at and yeah, Cage. Right, let's how's this film fucking start? It starts with our main man, Nicky Cage, who plays a character called Doug Cheznick in this film, especially Doug Cheznick.
He arrives at house, he delivers breakfast to Tess and then leaves. He has a bloody Mary on the plane and he's in Washington. He has come to see the head of the Secret Services and wants to his assignment for, you know, his ovaries. Thank God for that.
I don't have to guard this woman anymore. And he's like, I want to say a bit more. I'm saying a bit more. I mean, I'm guarding the president.
It's Gerard Butler, she could do some Olympus, Olympus has fallen stuff like the president's gonna get to. I'm gonna be there. He wants to be John McLean. He wants to be, I mean, he wants to be Stephen Segallet.
He wants to Stephen Segallet, but that's not what he's getting. The head of the Secret Services says to him, I've got personal favor to ask you from the president. The president said he's staying for another term, which would be three years guarding Tess. And he's like, oh fuck, and he's like, if you give you a few moments to think about it, it's pretty much, you know from that, that he's got to do it.
It's like the president wants him to do it. He progrudgingly goes back, literally is on the next flight. He gets back and everyone's like, what's, what are you doing back? So soon we thought you were gone.
We thought that was it. You are moving on to bigger, to better things. And then he goes in and sees Tess and she is like, it's real frosty between them. He doesn't want to be there.
And he kind of lets her know that. He's like, I just, I want it to move on, like, on back here, because you want me to be here. And he takes, before he goes up, he takes the head of her rose and puts it in his lapel. And she makes point like, give me my rope, give me the head of my rose back.
I want it back. And he's out. He's out. He's like, fuck, fuck, this bitch.
He's off. He's in the Secret Services quarters or the rest of the guys. And she sets off the alarm, which is obviously there for, I don't know, shit goes down. And she kind of uses it willy nilly as the room service call for the Secret Services agents to kind of do her bidding for her, do whatever she wants when she wants.
And she says to them, I want to play golf. Like, can you have the car ready in half an hour? Let's get on the course. And I'm like, it's pretty, pretty cold outside.
Just like, nope, we're going anyway. It's kind of like, you're kind of telling Cine at golf course. You can kind of, she's very demanding and she hits her ball into the shrubbery and Doug says to her, like, she's like, go get my ball. And he's like, I'm literally going to do my job by the book now.
You know, I don't want to be here. Do you want your ball? You go get it. Like, this is not my job as a Secret Service agent.
Yeah. And he like, this is the first moment in the fall. We can't just eat cage loser. He loses his mind a fair few times.
Like, you can't, you can't cage him. You can't, like, that wild man will come out in anything. It could be, I don't know, it could be the most somber art house dramatic film. And he would probably still find a way to fly off the handle.
Then he is in a diner with all the rest of the service. So the Secret Service guy is kind of showing off him and putting her in a place. Didn't I? Bloody look at me.
I told her what for. I told her, you want your buddy, ball, you go get it, love. And then he gets a phone call on the phone in the diner. And it is actually the president who says, I heard there's a bit of an issue with a rose, ripping up roses in front of the Tesla.
I'm not happy about this. So I've got to call you again over this mineable shit. I'm not going to be happy. You're going to be guarding my dog.
So he is pretty much by, she's got him by the balls. He knows it. She knows it. Then I'm like, yeah, not really, not really much happens in this film.
They head off to an opera and she's just being, she's been difficult for the sake of it because she knows she's got him where she wants him. And she won't set this. I didn't know this but in like, Secret Service thing, if that's what you call it. There is set places you have to sit in a car, protecting someone and you always have to sit behind the passenger seat.
So the driver and the Secret Service agent can both see, she refuses to do so. And it's like, it's kind of like them trying to plate on it. He's like, well, we're not moving this car until you go, until you sit in the right seat. The guys in the car behind are like, let's just go.
And then kind of like, she eventually sits in the right seat and they head off to the opera. You get the tone of this film is pretty weird. Like, I'm not sure like, I read all night says a comedy but I don't know, it's not that funny. So, but it's like a drama with like, elements, they've got the guy who directed it.
I think he wrote it as well, two seconds. The guy who wrote it, his name is Hugh Wilson. And yes, he also wrote this film with Peter Tockivev. And he has a writing credit on police academy, which if you've seen those films, check out the A Bit end podcast, I think it's their season five is police academy and it is great.
But yeah, and we also have the actor who plays tackle Barry from police academy. It's also in this film. So like, I don't know, see someone like that, you think it's going to be a lot more funnier than it actually is. But yeah, you kind of like, there's a moment when they're driving to the opera where they're playing opera in the car, that Nicholas Cage and Shirley McLean's character Tess are in.
Whereas the guys in the following car are kind of playing rock and roll, having a bloody good time. And then, yeah, we get to the opera. She falls asleep. He tries to wake her up.
She kind of like, like, like, like, Gasp, but she wakes up and everyone in the opera looks around. So look at her. And she has got him and says, like, I'm so embarrassed. Like that's it.
We're not staying here. It's not going to stay here. But you've bloody ruined it. Let's just go home.
But as they come out to opera into the foyer, everybody bloody loves her. They're like, one signatures, like, I don't know, you kind of see in this that Doug takes his job way too seriously, because the lady is reaching into a bag to get a pen and he kind of grabs her by the arm. Like, whoa, we got in the bag. And she just wanted, I just wanted an autograph.
He's like, take this car. I'll get your sign fight out. Okay, since I posted it to the sign envelope to this address and we'll get it back to you. Don't worry.
So, yeah, they end up staying the night and then the next day, a gas station, they're all like filling up on food and stuff that, filling up the cars. And Tess does a runner with the driver. Oh, she says, that's it. Come on.
Let's bolt out of there. They drive off for ages. They didn't know what to do. The secret service guys end up calling the local police who find it hilarious.
Like, oh, the secret service agents have managed to lose the person. They're looking after because you're all bloody idiot. So he's got on speakerphone, like a fat blokes typical, like typical portrait. Like if Chief Wiggum was a real person, you're proper post like real cartoon image of cops.
That's a whole freaking precinct on them. They're all fat. They're all sipping down coffee and shoveling and donuts like there's no fucking tomorrow. She eventually turns up and Doug is not happy at all.
He grabs, oh, the driver and stuff. That's it. You're fucking, I'm going to get you fired. Pretty little swear for me.
I can't tell people swear guys. Sorry. He's like, that's it. Oh, you fucking piece of shit.
You're getting fired. And he's like, you can't fire me. I'm employed by Tess. He's like, no, you're employed by Tess through us.
That's it. You're going to be out your bloody scoundrel. And then he storms into Tess's room and has an argument with her and says, I don't know. You guys just follow me all the time.
That's our job. That's what we're supposed to do. You know at any moment you can have a secret service called off. You don't have to have us here.
So she does. She's the next day. She's like, that's it. Don't want you guys here.
And then cage is ready to go. That's it. I'm going back to Washington. Maybe now, maybe now my big moment in the sun will come.
I will become the bodyguards of the president. I will become the Gerard Butler. I know he's in my heart. I will become the Channing Tatum.
I know I am. And yeah, Doug then gets another phone call from Elle Presidente saying, I've heard she's got rid of the secret service. We can't be having that. It's not me who wants it.
I know she's a crone. You know she's a crone. It's the public. They love her.
They will not feel happy unless they know she's looked after what someone attacks her in the night. It's her choice. The secret service guys then follow her. They're kind of trying to win her back.
They follow her to the hospital. Doug gets out the car and tries to have like, tries to speak to her. She's like, just leave me alone at the hospital as well. There is something that was mentioned when the first meeting that the cage has with Tess when he first arrived back.
And she says a bit of a joke. She says, I've got three likes. She's kind of little free things. That's true.
I've got an inoperable brain tumor. I don't know. You're free to leave. I don't want you here.
You can just leave. You can have a whale at a time or I want to go golf. When are we going golf then? But it turns out, this is not really a bit of a drama.
It's because in the hospital, you see her getting scans of her brain. And you see that she does have a tumor. So yeah, but she never mentions it to any of the secret service guys. It's kind of kept on the hush-hush.
You like this is the moment in the film. I like to sympathize with her that kind of she's she likes having these people around as much as they're almost like a family. She argues with them. She kind of uses and abuses them.
But she likes to have them around. Then her son comes who is a scumbag bit of a tycoon of industry type, pointing their fingers, don't drop. Sorry. Yeah, like that kind of slimy guy.
And he's like, oh, I've got this great, great retirement complex I want to build. Which when this happened, it just reminded me all I could think where something's on screen was Delbokavista from Seinfeld. I know I mentioned Seinfeld a lot in this show, but I really like Seinfeld. But we should have done Seinfeld podcast.
There's plenty of them out there. Then again, there's plenty of them in there with a scaged podcast out there. But what the fuck we're going to do? We're committed guys.
We're 20 episodes in. We're going to get to the fucking end, whether you like it or not. Yeah. And he's like, I've got this idea.
But one thing we need for financing is an endorsement from someone like you. Someone in the public trust. You're an older lady. We need to do this right now.
And she looks offended. She's like, no, I'm not going to do this. Like, rightly so. She doesn't want her name like associated with this quick rich scheme that her son has.
He then storms out, smokes the siggings like fuck sake. And then she watches, I don't know if this is really weird, but it's kind of like a VHS compilation of news footage and they're dead husband and like in a lot of the footage, she dugs there. So obviously he's been with them a long time. He's been there since they were since her husband was the president.
And this footage of the husband's funeral and Doug's looking real sad. And it's kind of, this is the moment, it's like, maybe he's not, maybe he's not such a bad guy. Like, maybe like, obviously wants to progress in his career, but you know what, like, maybe I do like him. He's a nice guy.
So she goes out to kind of reconcile with him. He's sat in his car like with a fucking like a proper big pot of coffee. Like I'm talking like the type, like a proper filter juggle that you kind of see in like old school, American diners, you know, like, ladies, what do you want to tap up? Are you coughing?
Like that type of thing. Yeah. And he's got one of those, like, I don't know how he's powering it. I'm guessing he's got some type of like plug system that goes into the cigarette lighter.
And he, she started with him and he paused hot boiling coffee all over himself, which for me was a standout moment. It was almost like a slapstick kind of like, I don't know. And I felt like a gag that our old man Hugh Wilson had laying over from the police academy films. He couldn't manage the fucking shoehorn at some point, but managed to shoehorn it in in this film.
And she actually then invites him in for a coffee, which is a bit of a like jokes in he's covered in coffee. They end up just having a drink. She's like, sometimes I like to get pissed up. I like to booze it.
And they end up discussing the past. And she lets on that husband had cheated on her and she's like, bet you didn't think I knew that. Like, obviously know that you know to him and stuff like that. And he's like, let's get out of here.
Let's go to a bar. They're not going to a real dive bar. And he's like, let's talk about you and find out that he had like a really short marriage that lasted for about seven months. And kind of get like this moment, you have an insight into him.
He's a very proud man. Like, he's like, how do you know that? He's read my file. And she's like, no, my husband told me like, I'm not the type of person to read someone's file.
I would like to get know them into like an interpersonal way, like not, not just read up about them. And yeah, he find out he's quite proud. He's like, I don't tell people because I'm kind of ashamed that I was married for such a little time. And she she questioned him, like, why, why did it only, why didn't it last that long?
He's like, well, I was the last one to realize, like, everyone else realized that she wasn't the right woman apart from me. Sounds like she was a bit of a bitch. This lovely chat then prompts her to get the secret service back in business there once again, looking after her. She is in there, wonderful hands.
She is in their care. And it's all going to be good. And this followed with some good news that the president is coming to visit Summersville, Ohio. So, and they're all then getting ready.
They're going to spring into action, do what they do best. I get a montage of the secret service agents, getting all their shit together. Tess is excited. She's getting stuff done.
That's like a funny scene in the grocery shop where like, they're all kind of man in the place, like speaking over the radios, getting a price check on some P's. She's not interested. She manages to lose the secret service agents in there. She's kind of playing, it's kind of jovial.
It's fun now. Sorry about that. My phone decided to start playing podcast. But yeah, so she's kind of playing with them.
Everyone seems in good spirits. She gets kind of hair done. She's excited. She's like dies it to her.
She's going grace. She dies about to a more natural brown. She feels young. She feels vibrant.
It is at this moment that facts comes through in this bad news. The president is kind of canceled. He's not going to visit. Instead, he's sending someone like Secretary of Defense, someone lower down, some schmuck, some lady schmuck.
No one really cares about. And we kind of get the visit. She's having a laugh. She's having a joke.
And then next one, she says she wants to go for a picnic in the cold. She wants the only person to be there is Doug. And they drive out in the middle of the lake. She's got a table up.
She's sat there and she's up for sleep. And Doug carries her into the car and goes to get the chair. And oh, the driver f***ing bombs it off. And you think, oh, maybe she's just playing another game again.
But no, she is not. Oh, how's f***ing kidnapped her? What? Yeah, they do not come back.
It's not a game. And all of a sudden, all the big dicks are coming in. The CIA, the FBI. They're all the way out.
One guy says to Doug, you call yourself a secret service agent. Seven of you couldn't look after the lady who smokes in the car after. You guys disgust me. Some real f***ing slick prick FBI agent coming in.
And his mouth off. And then we kind of get the information that there's a ransom for $15 million to get her back. And one of the agents kind of is telling all those things. I was going to have to let you go.
We're going to step in now. It's the FBI's jurisdiction. You guys can kind of go home. And he explains how there is a crescent burn on Earl's neck.
And they found a needle with kind of horse tranquilizing stuff. It's knocked him out for hours. And he's laid up in hospital. And he says he reckons that it's some type of middle-eash than gang.
This is their sign. They reckon it's like, I don't know, 1994. It's probably like some Iraq war shit and George Bush, bullshit that they're trying to tap in on. But this gets Doug thinking when he's driving away with one of the guys and he gets a cigarette and he gets used as a lighter in the car.
And he has a ureca moment and he's like, I f***ing know what it is. And then he goes to the hospital with the head of the FBI and they're talking to Earl. They're trying to figure out what's going on. Let me have a look at that burn.
And then Earl starts going, why are you questioning me? It's Doug you should be questioning. He's the one who hates that. And obviously from an outsider's perspective, it can look like Doug is very suspicious because obviously him and Tess have a very tempestuous relationship.
They're always at loggerheads. But this is when the film takes a turn for the f***ing weird because Doug ends up grabbing all the driver points a gun in his face and then shoots off one of his toes. And he's like, unless you give me information, I will shoot off all your toes. He eventually does, he confesses and says that his sister and her husband had a plan to kidnap Tess and they're holding her up in a farmhouse in the middle of nowhere.
And it was all their idea. He had nothing to do with it. And obviously him getting drugged was to throw off the scent that he wouldn't be involved, the crafty little bastard. They get a real traumatic scene of the FBI like kind of spotlights going on.
They raise this little shack where his sister and brother-in-law live and they take them to where they have put Tess and they're buried inside a barn in a box with just a tube for some air. And the secret service guys that worked for her in system digging her up. It's a bit weird. Obviously they have guys employed for that but they're like, no, we want to do it.
They get down to her and then they kind of stretch her out and put her on a helicopter with a big dick. FBI and CIA guys inside the helicopter. They're all out patting each other on the bat thinking they're big shit and Tess wakes up and says, what my boy's? What my boy's?
What my secret service boys? And then the word gets through. He's like, hey, dark chestnut, dark chestnut. Everyone's like, where's back chestnut?
The word gets out. He's like, oh, dark chestnut. He runs back and she's like, yeah, sorry. Come on FBI guys.
See how you guys got to get the fuck out. And then they have like this tender moment on the flight where she kind of like, oh, you got to fire a gun. He's like, maybe not really kind of figured out. Well, she said, yeah, did he kill someone?
He shot a guy's toe off. Just thinking about that idea of a, yeah, you kind of wanted big action. He wanted Nakatomi tower instead. He's shooting off a guy's toe in the hospital.
And then we get the next scene is Tess is in hospital. And she's well, she's better now. It's time for her to go home. She's a secret service guys back in tow.
No, I'm intended that. And she has a phone call with the president and says, I want dog looked after because he has saved my life and president's kind of it. I did fire a gun in a public place and he shot guys toe up and shot. I don't care about that.
Even when I'm gone, I want him looked after. He's a good man. So through it all, Doug got what he wanted. He's gonna be looked after.
He doesn't have to look after the president's dogs. He's got Tess on side. There's like kind of like this love and friendship that is blossom between them at first. They're at loggerheads.
But over time, I think it was over them drinks and they kind of, I don't know, I found at times their relationship to be a bit weird kind of scene. Like, is it sexual? Is it sexual tension going on? I'm not quite sure.
And then on the way out there is a hospital porter with a wheelchair and says to Tess, you have to get in. And she's like, no, no, you see that she hasn't changed. She's still gonna argue with people of authority. And the guy's claiming the guy's saying, but it's also a word.
It's protocol. You have to do it. And it's very, very similar to the way that Doug was. And Doug says, come on, like actually have to do like the rules, the rules are not really stringent.
But then says the test, get your goddamn ass in the chair. We've got to wheel you out of it. And the issues then willed out to heroes. Welcome.
All the townsfolk are there. They're all happy. Doug's happy. He's in tow.
He's got like glass on it. Classic shady secret service guy looked to him. That is another thing I thought the look is just a run off the mill early 90s secret service guy look. And yeah, it's a great one.
It's not some of the best looks that K just had, but it's definitely up there. And then that's the end of the film. So yeah, as I said, I took a day or so to a day to kind of let this one sit with me. And I don't know.
I didn't really enjoy this one. This wasn't this didn't really have me gripped like I was, I don't know. I expected it to be a bit more action as opposed to a kind of like almost drama, like with elements of comedy about these two characters being a loggerhead. So I expected a bit more like, I don't know, I thought maybe she would get kidnapped a lot earlier on in the film or something like that.
And it would kind of be a bit more of a comedy caper of him trying to get her back or something like that was. I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
I don't know what to expect, but I kind of wasn't expecting what we got with this one. But bear in their minds. It's enough about what I had to think about the film. Let's have a little look what the internet has to say.
The scoring systems we are getting today are we will be looking at IMDB, Roger Ebert and Rotten Tomatoes. So as following IMDB 6.2 out of 10, Roger Ebert 3.4, 3.5 out of 4, sorry about that, and Rotten Tomatoes 59. This seems like it's got fairly good scores. Obviously, not the best.
It's probably an average around that 60% mark if it was a percentage. I don't know. I don't think I enjoyed it as much as that. Again, I don't think this is my kind of film.
There's a lot of films in this that haven't been my kind of film, but I still enjoyed this one. I didn't enjoy that much. I don't feel like it was classic cage. Even though we had traitors of him.
As I said in any film you could put this guy in, he probably would still have moments of freaking out and that's great. I love a good cage freak out. But this one, I don't know, it was kind of boring if I'm honest. I don't know, I'm hoping, I know that coming up we have like, yeah, when we get into the 20s, oh, things get crazy.
We've got a run of crazy, crazy films. But next week's episode might just be a checking in episode. Yeah, it probably is. But I might get a couple of interviews listening next week.
They might be saying fun next week. It might be an extended checking in episode. I will, like I did after the 10 episodes, I'm going to do another IQ test to see if I've got dumber whilst this has gone on. My intelligence has increased by some miraculous chance.
But yeah, that'll be next week's episode. And I might have an interview with someone cool. So tune into that one. The best way you can obviously keep up to date with the podcast is just subscribing on iTunes, Apple podcasts, whatever you want to call them.
Yeah, just typing the case in podcasts. I imagine a lot of you listening now, really already doing that. But you can also, there's a social media. It's all at Cajun and Pod on Facebook Twitter and Instagram.
Yeah, and I always put up on those when episodes got live. And obviously if you're subscribed on any of the podcasts and platforms, I've just come automatically onto your feed and you'll be able to listen. Obviously, any ideas you guys have about these films shout, shout me out on any of those social media or you can hit me up on email, which is cajun and pod at gmail.com. Yeah, right reviews on Facebook on iTunes as well.
That's always racking great. And then the next film we'll be covering on the podcast will be, it could happen to you also from 1994. I don't have a guest for that one yet, but I might do. So definitely check out that one.
That might be next week's episode, or that might be the following episode. But until then, guys, as always, I've been your host, Petrus Petrus. I've been caged in, you've been rad. Bye.
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