Caught in the Jaws of a Claw

0:00 / 0:00 Caught in the Jaws of a Claw   My exercise essay appeared in The Daily Progress today.  See below:  CAUGHT IN THE JAWS OF A CLAW             Have you ever wanted to be someone you’re not? So, one day I was at the gym exercising on the calf-stretching machine.  As you might imagine, calf-stretching is boring, so I looked to my left to see my friend, Debbie who sat inside this claw-like apparatus, pushing up and out against what looked like a heavy weight. Debbie is blonde, gorgeous and sported classy gym duds. She also holds an advanced degree in Chemical Engineering.She is the Debbie I wish I was. Anyway, Debbie finished up on her machine.  As she passed by, I nodded and smiled, trying with all my might to appear competent and athletic.  Then, an image came to my mind—my own personal infomercial.  I envisioned myself in the Giant Claw Machine, diligently exercising, until one day, I emerge from the Claw, a new person:  blonde, chic and very smart. The thought tantalized me. Why not start today?  So, still feigning confidence, I walked over to the apparatus, briefly glanced at the instructions, sat down, adjusted one weight then pulled the claw-like metal gizmo over my head.  No problem. Too bad I hadn’t actually bothered to read the instructions.  Apparently, I should have adjusted a second set of weights, the overhead set which was now slowly crunching me into a permanent fetal position in the jaws of The Giant Claw. Fortunately, Debbie had not been fooled by my pseudo-confidence and had kept an eye on me from across the room.  (I told you she is smart.) So, Debbie rushed over, fiddled with the settings and released me from certain doom….or at least the possibility of a real bad backache. A great fear of mine is to die a humorous death—like drowning in a vat of pickles or getting hit by lightning while sitting on the porcelain throne in the bathroom.  Even though my demise was probably not imminent, I’m prone to melodrama, so I thanked Debbie profusely. At the very least, she rescued me from Gym Infamy. Another day, at the same gym, I observed a frail-looking, white-haired, elderly woman, working out on an overhead weight machine.  I smiled at her as she finished up. Then, I took a seat on the machine. When I went to adjust the weight, I discovered the “frail” woman had been lifting at twenty pounds higher than I can handle. Theodore Roosevelt once said, “Comparison is the thief of joy.” He’s probably right. So, now when I head to the gym, I try to keep the famous words of Popeye the Sailor Man in mind: “I yam what I yam and that’s what I yam.” And that’s probably okay. Here is the NPR-version of the essay: The Claw ###   Interested in brushing up on a little Russian history while you watch the Winter Olympics? Check out Deborah Prum’s new interactive book, Czars and Czarinas which uses cutting-edge technology to present a funny and educational look at Russian history. The iBook focuses on Ivan III, Ivan IV, Peter the Great and Catherine the Great. It includes: slide shows, charts, a theme song, sound effects, (bells ringing, horses whinnying, thunder). Wisecracking self-tests appear at the end of every chapter. The humor is Monty Python-like in style. Portraits express opinions of their own. When you click the sound button, Peter’s wife Eudoxia, declares their troubled marriage was “All Peter’s fault.” In a section of the book about Ivan the Terrible’s search for a wife, you read his Personal Ad: “Lonely Czar seeks wife. Loves long walks on the tundra, sipping borscht by a hot fire, pillaging a village or two…” The eighty-page book is both entertaining and educational. Visit the iTunes Bookstore to see a free sample chapter. Great for ages 9 through adult, available for $7.99 on iTunes, for iPads and Macs. *** Reviews for Deborah M. Prum’s  other history book Rats, Bulls, and Flying Machines: A History of the Renaissance: From Library Journal: Grade 5-10-Beginning with Petrarch’s rediscovering the classical age and ending with Galileo’s trial, this easy-to-read volume covers a little more than 300 years of history. ………Packed with illustrations, maps, and reproductions (many in color, all with captions), often three or more to a page, the volume also includes occasional cartoons and helpful blurbs or balloons that pull out important concepts or basic ideas for special attention, e.g., the three giants of Renaissance art-Leonardo, Michelangelo, and Raphael-were not friends but rivals and competitors…. From Booklist:A lively text that hits the high points of history and pauses for enough detail to make them memorable. Amazon Reviews: ***Ms. Prum’s clever review of the Renaissance is full of wit, humor, and unlike many children’s history books, information. Her book provides a teacher or parent with simple, interesting facts about this exciting period of history. I recommend it for all teachers and parents who want to avoid the dreary world of textbook history. ***What a hoot of a fascinating trip through the Renaissance and Reformation periods Deborah Prum has given us in her RATS, BULLS, AND FLYING MACHINES. The humor is both gentle and pointed, the information is quite information, and the illustrations provided are terrific. This is the way I would have liked to have learned history, and this book goes straight to my granddaughters the next time I see them. It left me smiling. Actually, I smiled all along the way. ###