Chapter 10 - Really Good at Being Good

Tuesday, November 2nd, 2021 When I came home from work yesterday, Joffrey had cleaned and helped the apartment. He offered me dinner, but I couldn’t eat. He was nice again. I was exhausted and crashed on the couch. It was comfy. It was nice to rest my eyes, but couch/bed, I couldn’t sleep. We continued Mindhunter together. He asked if I wanted to go on a walk, so maybe he was going to try to communicate, but I was too tired and he let me rest. We didn’t talk about our relationship, but I was grateful for a break. We slept in bed with pillows between us; he’d been nice and I was spent, so I didn’t mind. I slept. I woke up early from his alarm and cried again. I’ve had these thoughts running through my head all night, but I needed a break yesterday… Joffrey and I are really good at being good. Really good. It’s wonderful, fun and happy. We meet each other’s needs: food, film, entertainment, love. But when he’s not happy, he shuts me out. When he didn’t know if he wanted to live in LA, I thought, or we thought, he was depressed and it broke my heart to not know what was going on in his head. All I wanted to do was help and make things better for him. I wish, I probably, I did beg him to talk to me or someone. But he wouldn’t. I hoped he did. I remember calling his mom – I didn’t know if that was the right thing to do, but I needed to know if there was a history. I wanted to stand by him and not leave him in his depression because I do love him so much. But it was really hard for me not knowing if he was going to stay with me or leave. And he refused to go to therapy. There wasn’t anything to do but wait. I wish he’d confide in me. I want my partner to talk through their problems with me. What a way to connect, lean on and really grow a bond. But I don’t know what’s in his head. And it hurts that he won’t or can’t share, but I’ve respected it. I’ve always been open to him in case. Recently, we went out to dinner and a movie. Our friend Justin reached out to me confidentially, concerned about Joffrey and Sawyer at the wedding. They’re childhood friends who love each other. I knew Joffrey was hurt when he wanted them to all contribute to his YouTube channel together, but they wanted to do their own thing. I guess they reached out still wanting to be friends, but he’d been ignoring them. I can only speculate it was hard for Joffrey to move away from his friends and he didn’t know how to handle his pain in his post college crisis. I felt put in a weird situation. I asked Joffrey about it, just so I’d know what was going on, but he shut down. Our date was ruined and he didn’t want to talk about it. I tried slyly bringing it up a few more times before the wedding. I wish he’d confided in me. At the wedding, Sawyer asked me for advice about mending their friendship. I was still in the dark. I suggested he just talk to him. I thought... he’s bad at confrontation and opening up and communicating his feelings and admitting he’s wrong, but hopefully he’ll listen and want to mend whatever’s broken because I could see Sawyer cared and that Joffrey was hurt. They talked for a long while. On the drive home, I hoped Joffrey would finally tell me about it. He didn’t. He was as closed off and shut down by it as before. But it seemed they’d mended their friendship, so I was happy for him. I respected that maybe Joffrey just likes to keep conversations private and I’m just the opposite. It helps me to work things out for myself when I confide in people, but maybe he just doesn’t do that, or maybe he just doesn’t do that with me. I don’t know because he wouldn’t say anything about it! I really, really wish he’d open up when he’s hurt because I think he just keeps it in. When we lived in New York, in college and right after, I loved that Joffrey had so many friends that we’d hang out with. We both did. He liked going to do things and socializing. When we moved to LA, Joffrey didn’t want to make any new friends. He didn’t want to talk to people. We had our college friends, and that was nice, but he quickly shut himself in, in moving away from home for the first time. I felt it was up to me to make friends for us. I started hanging out with our friend Samantha a lot and going out with her because Joffrey just didn’t want to do anything. I remember wishing he had a best friend out here too; so much so that I was wanting to find one for him. He eventually got jealous of the time I was spending with Samantha, so I took a couple of weeks to just be with him in his depression. I had very recently entered a new job with a terrible boss and all at once I was in a period of transition with a depressed boyfriend, a degrading boss, a UTI, and loss of a friend. Samantha was going through her own s**t and stopped hanging out with me. Oh, and living with Elliot sucked. I remember asking Samantha for a lot of unqualified relationship advice. I was debating on ending things and talked to her and my new coworker friend, Eleanor, about it a lot. Joffrey wouldn’t help himself. He refused to do therapy with me, so I did it alone, and he made me feel mean for being upset at our roommate, who was a total a*****e. He didn’t help – it was up to me to handle our conflicts with him. I was out a BFF, my emotional support at the time, and grieving that loss. I felt very alone and confused about who I was. I was worried I was mean and bad – I knew that I wasn’t, but at the time it made sense because my friend needed time to herself and my boyfriend didn’t confide in me or even seemingly like me. And when I confided in him, he told me my feelings were wrong. I tried talking to him about it, I felt like I was always so open with my thoughts, feelings and needs, but he habitually made me feel like they were unjustified. I remember being nervous about going to a new co-worker, maybe a new friend's birthday. At this point, I really wanted friends, not just for Joffrey, but for myself. I went on one awkward Bumble BFF date. I needed my partner’s support now, but he refused to go despite this, so I went alone. I’ve had a lot of practice since being comfortable on my own – I’ve had to. I made friends with Rita and her friend group and invited Joffrey in. He’s recently joked about how he needs me to find the cool people and bring them to him. That’s a lot on me. When I was starting this new job, I got invited to a fancy, fun industry party for one of our shows, Deadline Divorce! I was so excited! But I was nervous about showing up on my own, and I wanted to bring Joffrey so I’d feel better about talking to people and making friends. Also, what a cool thing to do with your partner! Courtney and Logan from The Bachelor were there! Joffrey refused to take my picture with them. When I told a girl in my company I was a fan, she made sure I got my picture. Joffrey didn’t want to talk to anyone. He didn’t even want me to talk to anyone. Walt Junior from Breaking Bad was there and I just wanted to tell him, “Good job!” Joffrey looked at me from 50 feet away, like, I better not. A simple human interaction completely outside of him was too painful and embarrassing enough for Joffrey to make him angry, so I questioned myself. How amazing am I? I’m a bubbly, optimistic person who’s not afraid to talk to strangers, who knows celebrities are just people, and confident that I know boundaries – all of that I started to question. I didn’t want to make Joffrey upset, so I didn’t approach Walt Junior. I talked to him in passing later though. He was nice. Joffrey was so embarrassed and we left upset. I wish we could’ve just had fun and he could’ve seen how awesome it was with me. His extreme social anxiety hasn’t gotten better, and I see it rubbing off on me. He still doesn’t like it when I want to talk to strangers in public or do anything that gets us attention. I love attention! I love being free and funny, but he says people don’t get my sense of humor. It is unique, but it’s exciting when I find people like Cappie who share it. I miss it. I wish Joffrey thought it was funny and not painful… “Why did you do that? Why would you say that?” I like hearing Joffrey’s laugh. After Deadline Divorce, I got us into The, exclusive, Magic Castle, which had been a long time Hollywood goal of mine. It was so cool! But I remember having to be happy for the both of us. I wanted Joffrey to have fun with me on the date, but he was just there. I told him this later and he insisted it was a good date, but I didn’t feel that. For most of our dates he was numb. Thinking of leaving… When we started shooting things together during the pandemic, I saw him come to life again. I could breathe. I loved that we had something we could do and talk about that made us happy, and then I needed it. And the idea of losing it made me sad. We were perfect – the writer and the filmmaker. And we could shoot projects with our college friends, so we had a friend group again! Elliot moved out, Katy moved in. I had emotional support and a creative outlet. I was finally writing and acting, and seeing my work on screen again! But we never really talked about before. We’re really good at being good. We learned about our personality types and how we think differently, and now I hear Joffrey is leaning into his introverted side even more… I’m feeling like I want to go out on dates with someone who’s excited to be out, with someone who will take care of me in a social setting. I always have to do the talking for us, and Joffrey makes me feel embarrassed by it. I find myself worrying too much about what other people think. When other people do small things for me, I feel way too appreciative. I felt seen when Connell brought me water at the brewery because I wasn’t drinking at Joffrey's birthday. Like, someone was considerate and did something nice for me without me having to ask? I thought I was the only one who cared and anticipated others' needs! When I bought Easter eggs to hide because I thought it’d be fun to do an Easter egg hunt on Easter during one of our wrap parties – I wanted Joffrey to get excited with me, but he thought the idea was dumb. During the party, I asked if I should still hide them hoping he’d say yes – I thought it would be fun, but Joffrey shut me down again. Connell heard and hid a few Easter eggs for me as a surprise, and even left a message from the Easter bunny about them on the whiteboard. I thought that was really nice, and I wished Joffrey did sweet things for me like that – that he cared about what I care about. When I went to dinner with Bonnie and Carrie, we asked for honey butter and they brought out regular butter. Carrie asked again for the honey butter and it was nice that she took care of it without turning it into a big deal. I didn’t feel pressured to correct him and I didn’t fear a rebuttal from the table for pursuing a want of mine. Such a small thing, but I appreciated that she could handle simple communication and was on top of things for us. One time Joffrey ordered a bloomin’ onion when I was in the bathroom – was on my birthday Vegas trip. I didn’t have to convince him to get it; I wasn’t let down – he didn’t say we shouldn’t. He just knew I wanted it and he got it. I felt seen and taken care of. He did something just because he knew I’d love it. I run things by him a lot – should we get this and do this? I’m usually shut down. At Idyllwild I asked him, “You know all you have to do is say yes and I’ll get the thing or do the thing?” I don’t need him to say yes, but I am looking for his input. Sometimes he gives it. I wish he’d help with the things that excite me and get excited too. But I feel like it’s up to me to plan things I know we’ll both enjoy later, or hope we will. I wish I didn’t have to plan my birthday every year. I do love planning, but sometimes I wish he’d plan for me. Wisconsin Dells was sweet where he surprised me with my old roommate Jules, but that was once. I wish he’d do that more; it’d show me he was thinking of me. I guess that’s what I miss – someone surprising me... doing and planning things simply because they care to make me happy. I love surprising Joffrey, but he doesn’t like surprises, so I guess I don’t anymore. I’ve been wanting to surprise and go out with my friends instead. I told Joffrey a while back, actually for a while now – I’ve wanted to travel the world. I asked Joffrey two years ago if he’d go with me if I planned and paid for it all and he said he’d only want to go with a group of friends. That really hurt. He also said, “Why, so you can just take pictures of yourself everywhere?” He made me feel insecure about something so innocent. Lately, he’s taken an interest in taking photos of me, and that makes me feel loved and beautiful. Joffrey still seems uninterested in traveling. I’ve considered going on my own. I wouldn’t have to worry about making him happy. When I told him, about a month or so ago, I might want to travel someplace on my own, he told me no – that I’d break up with him if I left. When he said this I was hurt because I wasn’t actually considering that as a possibility. I just knew I was missing things I wanted in our relationship and an extreme amount of guilt for feeling that way. He didn’t know how much or have faith in how much I love him which also hurt and scared me. We went engagement ring shopping – I talked him into it. He doesn’t want to spend money on a ring – it’s a waste. He says rings aren’t important, even though they’re important to me, and he knows that. A couple of years ago he said he’d only want to be married if he were ready to have kids. I wanted to enjoy being engaged and newlyweds for a while before having kids; it would be nice to know I’d be with someone forever – officially family. Recently, he expressed he wanted to wait until he could use our engagement to get a promotion at work. I responded, “Okay – what if getting engaged now would help me at my work?” To which he was stumped. But now, I’m questioning whether it’s realistic to be with one person for the rest of my life. I enjoy flirting, and crushing, and falling in love. I also enjoy the comfort in the deep connection that Joffrey and I share. I thought, maybe we could have an open relationship and I could date guys who enjoy going out with me and who say nice things to me, who see me, but keep it short and fun and keep my deep connection with Joffrey. A lot of the shows I watch are promoting open relationships. It seems like the cool new thing. But when I tried to talk to Joffrey about it, he huffed he only wants me. He didn’t help me explore the idea deeper. When I go to him to work things out, he can’t guide me through my thoughts and feelings, or listen and let me figure it out on my own, or really give input. He just makes me feel wrong for feeling. It’s nice that he only wants me, but my parents are divorced. Maybe if they’d had an open relationship, and loved and trusted each other… It sounds nice, but the practicalities of it… I don’t like the thought of Joffrey with someone else, but I think really why that could never work with us is the lack of communication and support. I think that’s what this all comes down to. I wish that two years ago when I asked him to go to therapy with me he had. I think we’d be stronger for it. The therapist in my phone consultation two days ago said if he’s not willing to go with me now, that’s a clear sign I gotta dump him. Maybe I should’ve broken up with him two years ago when he wouldn’t then, but I wasn’t ready and I don’t regret it. I’m glad we’ve had the time we’ve had. Now though, if he’s not able to work on himself and us, then I’m ready. I can be happy on my own and I want the best for him and I hope he finds it. I hope we both do. How wonderful would it be if we loved each other through the process, explored ourselves apart, and then got stronger in our understanding of our individual wants and needs, and found a way back to each other, stronger, ready to truly love, support and communicate with one another? Or found peace in being a part, but that scarier. I think that’s what I need and want, and though it’s sad, writing this, I feel clarity, at peace, mature in recognizing that I need that for myself and maybe Joffrey needs it too. I wonder what percentage of couples take a break and find their way back to each other and stay together? I wish I could explain this to Joffrey and he’d listen. I just want to feel understood, so much so that I am to the point where I’m considering letting him read my private journal, my safe space. It seems so obvious to me that the way I’m feeling is a big deal. He says he can fix it, and doesn’t want to do therapy (though he’s now open to it) but I see clearly it’s the only way through this. I’ve already shared a lot, if not all of how I’m feeling with him in trying to talk. I even read him that one part, but it either hasn’t sunk in or he just isn’t seeing me. I care. I’m trying so hard to get us to that future where we’re both okay or together. I don’t see him committing to really fixing this. I hope he’d have an open heart in couples therapy with me and be fearless in digging into his experience, but he’s not great at talking things through – that’d take several therapy sessions on his own and a commitment to growing himself for himself and us. But it just doesn’t seem like he wants or feels the need to try. And if he doesn’t want to change or if he wants to become someone different than what I need, that’s okay. Maybe I’m not right for him. Maybe now is not our time. And that’s okay. I’m worried Joffrey would read this and have the same reaction he had when I tried to talk with him – that he’d just give me all of the arguments, the defense to how I’m feeling instead of realizing that no matter his truth or intentions, this is how his partner’s feeling and take steps to act differently in the future – say how you’ll fix it. But I am a good writer! I’m great at expressing how I’m feeling. I’m proud of my writing. I’d love to publish this in contrast with my ninth grade journal to my boyfriend. I think the growth is cool and maybe other women would be interested in it! But Joffrey would probably hate that idea for the same reason he doesn’t want to go to therapy – the hard truth that he has growth to do, but what a beautiful truth, to recognize the need for growth. I have empathy though. I wouldn’t want to read this about myself – to see how I’ve hurt another person. No one wants to face their ugly side. I hope Joffrey learns it’s okay to lean on other people and gets comfortable in doing so. But I can’t keep worrying about Joffrey. All I do is worry about him and how he’s feeling and if he’s okay and I can’t anymore. I have to worry about myself. I should only have to take care of myself – I don’t have kids! How cool would it be though – to be so open to the world? So unafraid of what others may think. To know it’s okay if they think what you’re saying is wrong, that it can be right for you or you’re capable of growth – enough to publish your journals. I think people would care to hear what I have to say. But I still have that voice that says, no – who cares about your journal rambles? And I guess I don’t need to share, and probably shouldn’t share everything with everyone, but I’m an open person! Don’t we all crave a deeper understanding of one another and a desire to be seen? That’s all I want. Maybe one day… I need to accept that I need time apart and just hope that Joffrey can take care of himself and that he understands. I just left my mom a voicemail telling her, and asked her to come for Thanksgiving to Catalina. I’d love to see her get excited by the boat and how beautiful it is. I told her Joffrey and I were probably breaking up, but going to therapy and that I missed and needed her. How long has it been since I’ve seen her? I hope she comes. I could feel myself starting to have a panic attack, but then I started writing and it stopped. Last night, when we were watching YouTube on TV, I saw a video about gaslighting in his history. It would mean a lot if he’s trying to grow. I love my partner, but I still need space to figure myself out on my own for a while. I hope my partner loves me deep enough to give me that space. If so, I’d still love to do videos together! Once I figure things out, if he really, really commits to growing, maybe we could date again once our hearts have healed eventually. What a beautiful love that would be. Katy said she never wanted to show Freddie her journal when they were breaking up. I asked if she’d wanted him to read how she was feeling when talking didn’t work. But she said it was always for her and she didn’t think it ever would have been read in the correct headspace with him. She’s so wise! I also wish Joffrey would do what’s right without me having to tell him a million different ways. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe