Chapter 11 - Normal People

Wednesday, November 3rd, 2021 Yesterday was a good night with Joffrey. He brought home Super Bowl swag from work. He thinks maybe he could get tickets this year and that the Cowboys might play. That would be wonderful for him! I suggested he should bring someone who actually likes football and asked who he’d bring. He explained he’d bring me and referenced some episode of television where a guy did what I’d recommended instead of bringing his girlfriend and it wasn’t as good. I teared up. He offered me a hug with, finally, a face full of compassion. I couldn’t. We finished Mindhunter – I had a realization that I wanted to explore today, and we went to bed. In bed, he told me he loved me and he wanted to do whatever it took to get through this together. I hope he means it. He said he missed me. I told him I love him too, and I’m close to figuring it out so it would be okay for both of us, but I needed more time. I didn’t want to say too much before having time to explore today. We laughed and shared our excitement about me having a fan on our YouTube channel, and how eager I was to be a cute, sad pregnant lady this weekend (I got the part!) He warned at some point my fans may get mean when I make it big, but that’s okay because they’re just fat kids on the internet. I was like, wow – a lot of hate towards fat children and we laughed – problematic, but I knew what he meant. Oh, he said he wished he could hug me – I said, “I know.” But reminded him we don’t know what’s going to happen. I loved that he wanted to hug me, but I was okay with the distance. I want to watch Normal People with him. It’s a show about a couple who met in high school – he’s cool, she’s not. But when they go and move to college (when Joffrey moved to LA) he lost the friend circle that he always knew – he never had to make new friends as a kid. He didn’t have that group comfort and support on his own and didn’t know how to be without it or find it. He developed extreme social anxiety. This couple really loved each other, but in this series about mental health in relationships, they weren’t always together when growing in their lives. They were always there for each other when needed, and that love never left. But they knew when they needed to be apart to grow and flourish, and it deepened their relationship. I want to be Normal People with Joffrey. I wrote Katy yesterday: Me: I feel like if things are going to work with Joffrey, even with therapy, I want space and to explore being on my own for a while. And I hope he understands that and gets help with his extreme social anxiety and communication skills. But we’ll see! If he does, maybe we can still stay friends and reconnect later in life if we’ve both gotten to know ourselves and our needs better and are still interested. That’s where my head is at right now. Katy: That’s VERY mature of you and a very healthy outlook to have! Wow, that’s really good for you to know what you need and not limit yourself at the expense of someone else. Very, very impressed to hear you say that because I feel like that’s something I had to learn the hard way, but an absolutely necessary lesson nonetheless. Independence is huge, especially at this stage in our lives when we are figuring out who we want to be as adults. I took a screenshot, because her words meant a lot. I was worried that if I told Katy what was going on that she might want to stay somewhere else next week, but she said not to worry about the timing – it sounds like I need a friend, and she’s happy to be that friend. She says she’s been very depleted on Audrey time. I love her so much! She’s too great and makes me feel so loved and wise and special AND SHE’S 80% SURE SHE’S MOVING BACK IN MARCH!!! Voldemort was planning on moving out in March. She might want to move back in or go back to living by the beach. There are so many possibilities, but I’m excited to see her next week. It feels crazy that we’re both reevaluating our lives in the same week. All I know is life is better with Katy in it. I’m going, I’m ready, to talk to Joffrey as soon as time allows. I want to tell him that I love him and ask if he really wants to be with me for the rest of our lives. I want to tell him that that looks a little different to me than traditional monogamy. That if we can recognize when we can grow together and when we need to grow apart, and always do everything out of love for ourselves and each other, that we could have a beautiful love story. I want to break up together, and know that we both love and understand each other. I want to still make videos together and hone in on our work, apart. That would be good for us, and it’d keep us connected. I want to be there for each other when we really need to be – like if one of us goes through something tragic… like with family, but respect our time apart. I hope he can work on and explore himself while I do the same. And I hope to eventually reconnect as friends first, who talk about their lives from afar, like in Normal People, just there for each other. Then maybe we’ll want to date and fall in love all over again, but older and wiser. It may not all play out this way – I don’t know the future, but I hope it does. And if it doesn’t, it’ll be because we’re okay, and what a beautiful love we shared. I want to talk this through in therapy and talk through why it didn’t work this time, so it can maybe work the next. I just told Joffrey how I’m feeling. He stopped me and told me he’d do whatever it takes, but he really loves me and wants to be with me. I told him what it would take. He said if we do that, he knows we won’t get back together. I told him we weren’t his last relationship – we’re special and this could be healthy. He didn’t believe me and tried to talk me out of it. He revealed he’s been saving up for the ring I liked, and wants to get married. This is just part of being in a relationship where you don’t know at times. He always knew however he messed up, he’d have Audrey. He said he knows he screwed up and he’s been a bad partner and he wants to do better – that he can do better and wants to grow together. I want and need for him to grow on his own. I need to take care of myself for a while. He’s in denial about that reality. I could see how much he loves me. He begged me for another chance. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe