Chapter 14 - I Am His Rock

Saturday, November 6th, 2021 I didn’t pack a bag because I thought I’d be back home – that there wouldn’t be anyone. Amy told me to come over. I brought my tiny backpack so I could have my journal. I was worried they’d think it was dumb – they didn’t. When I arrived, Amy just gave me the best hug and it felt so nice to be held. Wade and Harley were there too. Wade’s always been a great friend since college – really nice dude. And I’m excited to get to know Harley better. They offered me everything and I asked if we could just talk. We sat at the table and they listened. It felt like a divorce – it was hard breaking up and still living together. I told them everything and they assured me I wasn’t insane and that the way he’s communicated isn’t okay. That I should have someone who loves that I clap at the end of movies because I think it’s funny. Amy also just got out of a year-long relationship a few months ago – her ex overdosed on Xanax. Harley had experience getting out of a three-year relationship where they’d lived together. She recommended unfollowing him and to just start swiping immediately to know people are interested. It was nice to get permission. I was uncertain about it. She wanted to be my wing woman. We took a Lyft to a bar and I broke down again when I realized we’d never finished The Walking Dead video game – we’d been saving it. Harley held my hand the whole way. I told them I was scared of being alone and needed people to ask me out to do things. Wade is going to follow up today about going to Six Flags tomorrow. They said they love me. At the bar, everyone was so young and friendly. I felt like I was discovering female friendship again. The women were all so kind. One, a stranger, bought me a drink and told me I was beautiful. She gave me a pep talk. She tried to steal me from Wade at one point, and they both held onto me like tug-of-war. She got very drunk and was touching me a little too much, but I felt special. She opened up and also had a lot going on. Everyone’s just doing their best. Amy let me stay the night, shower, borrow pajamas, and sleep with her in her bed. I’m lucky to be her friend. When Joffrey and I lived together in New York, we saw Coco. I’ve lost so many family members, so when the movie ended I was a mess. I needed to stay sitting – it was hard to walk out of the theater. Joffrey got upset at me. I think crying is a beautiful thing and if you need to be open with your emotions in public, it’s okay to take a minute and let the world see you. No one should make you feel bad for that. People want to help. A few years ago, we went to his friend's house which I’d never been to. There were a lot of people I didn’t know. I didn’t want to have to sleep on the floor in my clothes – no toothbrush, but Joffrey wouldn’t take me home. Someone spilled a drink on me. I left and hid in a safe space in the hall to have a panic attack, but I didn’t know what that was at the time. Some girls gave Joffrey a hard time for not coming to find me – he didn’t like that and blamed me. Portia let me take her bed. He made me feel bad about that and was mad the next day. He started to take credit for my jokes – like in the escape room when I was like, “Surely someone will tell us if we’re not supposed to stick a fork in the outlet…” He retold that story over and over again as if he’d said it. I eventually asked him if he knew it was me. There was something else too, but I can’t remember. I didn’t call him out on it for a while because when Rita complimented how great he did at making a video for Cappie, I chimed in, “I produced it too!” He was upset that I’d said that. “Why would you say that? I don’t do that when people are complimenting you.” But I just wanted her to see us as a team. When we’re in the car together, I don’t get to listen to Broadway or country music, but I listen to his rock. I am his rock. He doesn’t try to get along with my family. Recently, I asked him to be there with me while I called my mom to video chat. We haven’t talked in a while, and I was nervous about it. He wouldn’t. I’ve always done everything he’s asked of me. Why wouldn’t I? I loved him. Loved. I love his whole family and all of his friends, but I’ve never seen him try to get close with my brother and Kate. He doesn’t really like helping me – me, so grossed out by bugs, makes me pick up the fly – tells me I need to learn things. Gets mad when I volunteer his help to others when I know he could easily do something to really help someone and it would be fun to do together. I get where he’s coming from, and I stopped doing that. He didn’t want to take the Merry-Kiss-Mas photo with me – he so often refuses to do simple things that’d make me really happy. I’ve been sitting in my car for maybe an hour now, not wanting to go inside. Joffrey must’ve been checking my location because he came out to talk. I was crying. He said that I’ve always been and still am his dream girl, but he knows he hasn’t been my dream boy. He said he worked really hard on his therapy form, and that if there’s any chance for us, he’ll do better. I told him I was really going to miss him. He said he thought if it ended that we’d be so unhappy for a while. That it wouldn’t be this sudden. He was surprised it was us, “So many of our couple friends are worse.” I told him it was really hard with him here, and I needed him to find a place. That it would be easier if I could take the bed and he could take the couch or try to be gone as much as possible. I asked him to let Katy and I sleep in the bed when she comes. He agreed. I told him it would be easier if we could create that space and not be cold to each other when we do see each other – to know we really love each other but need to move on. He said he knows what it’s like to need change in your life, and he’s so glad the pandemic hit and he didn’t move home and break up with me. I told him that I had to figure out something to do tonight and that I’d said everything to him that I needed him to hear. That I needed him to stop telling me how I feel, because it’s not the same – I’m not just complacent, looking for change, and by saying so he’s not helping, he’s hurting. That I can’t make him understand, and that therapy will help him understand why it’s ending. I told him I was scared he’d be angry at me again later since I didn’t go along with what he wanted. He said he wouldn’t. The rehearsal for the short film I was cast in went really well. They said they were so glad I joined Backstage and they found me. They thought I was very talented. I liked them. I found out Kate gave Stefan the ring back. They just moved in together. My dad didn’t believe him – the odds of his two kids going through a major breakup at the same time! I told Stefan we should plan a trip. He said he’d have time off in January and asked if I had my passport. I’d love to see the world with my brother. He’s so cool and I think sibling bonding time would be good for us. Too bad he’s in Texas. I told my property managers (we’re good friends). Gavin called and immediately asked what happened. I gave him the brief version. Gavin told me he and Dinesh have their fights and communication is a big thing. He thought we were so happy and encouraged me to make it work. I thought that was inappropriate, but I understood why he said it. I told him it was good and needed to happen. He offered me their place. That was kind. I was in my car for almost three hours. I haven’t eaten all day. I’m finally inside making a pizza. Joffrey said he would sleep in Voldemort’s room tonight, so I don’t have to worry about him. That he’ll be gone all day tomorrow and will go to Connell’s on Monday. When I came in he asked if I wanted the upstairs or downstairs. I liked that he was considerate of my feelings. He said if I wanted to talk, if it would bring me clarity, that he’d be open to it and he wouldn’t be mad. I so badly want to lean on him and have everything be okay. But I just can’t do it anymore. I don’t think it will be. Samantha came to pick me up and took me to see Eternals. I told her how scared I was that I’d have no one to lean on, but people had been there for me. She told me I needed to learn to be okay by myself and to get comfortable with being alone. This rubbed me a little wrong. But I wanted to recognize that her opinion may have more to do with her than me and separate it from becoming my truth – I needed to explore how I felt about that. Only I know how bad I was hurting today. She didn’t see me, barely capable of moving my body to cook a pizza. She didn’t hear my cries that sounded more like moans. I did the right thing by reaching out for a friend. She told me I needed to get better at asking people out. I have been. She acts like she knows everything, and maybe she does – there’s truth in what she’s saying, but I wish she would have listened and empathized more rather than telling me another thing I need to fix about myself. I know! I’m going to therapy. I want to surround myself with people who make me feel good about myself, not just people who take care of me. I’ve been hesitant to call Samantha because I can’t deal with the trauma of her rejection from when our friendship ended on top of my break up. I’m trying to let that go. But she just stopped being my friend. She said we were soulmates and then avoided me with no explanation. I had nightmares she hated me. When I told her it’s confusing how Joffrey has been apologetic, then angry on repeat and now he wants me back again, she said that’s what manipulative people do. When I told her he thought I was just looking for change in my life like he was she said, “Of course – because it’s all about him!” I am excited to get myself back, but terrified of being on my own – it’s true. But I think I’ll get used to it and it’ll be empowering. I’m going to therapy and that will help. And I’m going to hang out with friends – and there will be guys that like me who I like back that are good. Sure, life isn’t a movie, but I’m tired of thinking that the love I see on screen isn’t real. I am worthy of that love. Joffrey texted to make sure I was with a friend and not alone – that I was coming home. When I got to my room, he’d turned all of the pictures of us around. I cried. I think it was thoughtful. This will be just a little bit easier if he’s thoughtful. 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