Chapter 16 - Queens

Monday, November 8th, 2021 I went into work today. I look cute. I’ve lost weight – I have to keep eating. I went to get a smoothie and some girls had a cute boutique on the street. I just filled out the forms for our first couples therapy appointment tomorrow. I had to mark if I was single or in a relationship and rate my happiness in our relationship on a scale from 1 to 10. It was hard. The girls had a cute necklace for sale on a table with a “Q” on it – they said it stood for Queen. I liked it and wanted to help them out, but they said it was $40 and I started panicking about the $1,200 rent I’d have to start paying on my own. I broke down and one of the girls hugged me and told me I had this. A stranger was so kind to me today. Tara came into the office today as well. She asked me how I was and I admitted that I wasn’t doing too well. I told her I’d be open to chatting, but I needed a minute. She kept checking in on me until I was ready to talk. She said she couldn’t help it – she’s a mom. I met her in a conference room and told her about what was going on. She asked if she could hug me and I said yes. She said it’s so tough, but not worth sacrificing your own self-worth. She told me she went through something with a friend and her mom told her, you’re going to grieve because you’re losing something, but you’re also opening yourself up for so much more and that’s exciting. She repeated that I’m not alone and that I can talk to her anytime – she wanted to make sure I knew that. She encouraged me to reach out to my other boss, Jess, who is a lawyer about our YouTube channel. Jess is a great person. Tara told me to make a plan, maybe with the therapist, for him to leave. I’m so lucky to have all of these amazing women in my life. Making a vow to myself to always prioritize myself – I am my one true love, and value my relationships with other women above all else. There’s a line in season three of YOU, “If there’s ever, even for a fleeting moment, a tiny voice in your head. And that tiny voice is telling you, I deserve better. Listen to her. That’s your partner.” I just made that my lock screen. Not to go back to talking about boys, but I hit it off on Tinder with the guy who writes the commercials for a major fast food joint! He’s funny. I’m funny. He wanted to get a couple of dates in with me before he goes home to see his family this week to work on his own material. I told him my old roommate is coming to stay with me, but we should go out when he’s back in December. That’s good timing. Oh, Tara said that she thought publishing my journal was a really good idea – that it could help other women. She had a friend who was given two years to live, nine years ago. She started a blog where she wrote letters to her young son and talked about what she was going through. It’s becoming a book. Before Tara left she stopped by my desk and told me that I’m extremely talented, on and off screen. That my work is amazing, and to not let anyone tell me otherwise. I told her I looked forward to seeing her more. She said to stay strong, “Girl power!” Joffrey came into the room to change his shirt and grab his charger. He knocked. He’s going to Connell’s tonight. The photo of us from graduation is flipped back up on our shelf. He was pleasant. Said he would take the couples therapy call tomorrow from work and try to be gone as much as possible. He said he’d see me tomorrow at four. Our whiteboard with all of our production plans was wiped clean. I went to play softball for The Best Singer tonight. We did really well! Lost 15 to 24. Usually, we only get a couple of points. It was an exciting game! I made it home! I scored! A few people asked about Joffrey. I didn’t say anything about our breakup. I wanted a break from talking about it. I guess I’m also waiting until after therapy to officially change my relationship status. I got home and started a movie called How To Be Single. While watching, I remembered being in San Francisco for Joffrey’s birthday this year. I was so cold and asked for his jacket, which he’d said he didn’t need, but he told me I was fine. I was shivering and he wouldn’t give me his jacket. Later he said he thought I was joking, but he still wouldn't give it to me. I was upset that he didn't want to take care of me. Why was that even a thing? Eventually, he put his jacket on me, but just to end the argument – I wanted him to care. I took Penny out for the night and started crying again – the painful, moaning kind. I’m losing the person I love. I really, really love him. Even with all of this. I’m really going to miss Joffrey. But I still feel like I have to do this for myself. How did we get here? Why am I doing this? Why can’t he just open up, communicate, and have compassion for me? Why does he have to shoot me down all the time? Why doesn’t he get it? I don’t want to lose him. I don’t want to lose myself. Penny is waiting for Joffrey on the bed, staring at the door. I am at the sink, just holding my mouthwash because I can’t stop sobbing for long enough to function. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe