Chapter 17 - When He Has Potential

Tuesday, November 9th, 2021 I’m nervous for our couples therapy appointment today. I’m scared the therapist will tell us it can work, or that this is common – that I just can’t handle being called insane, idiotic, crazy, dramatic, fine… But I know that’s not realistic. I was clear about wanting to break up when filling out the paperwork. I wonder what Joffrey said. I wonder what he will say. We jumped onto the video conference before the therapist. He got a notebook and brought notes to the meeting. I appreciated that. The therapist was confused as to why we were in therapy if I wanted to break up. I wanted him to understand why it was happening and to work on a breakup plan – to have help navigating splitting up while being together. I told her how I felt and how we got here. Joffrey still believed it was only because of our Dune argument – she didn’t address the gaslighting. Joffrey brought up how recently, I’d ignored his insecurity about him not wanting to dance at the wedding. He didn’t like how I’d danced with his friend Jamie. He never told me that. Before the wedding, I explained that I wanted to dance that night and I wanted to dance with him; if he didn’t want to it was okay, but I still wanted to have fun, and dance with other people because I enjoy dancing. When it started, I wanted to help the bride get people on the dance floor. I looked at Joffrey, and he didn’t want to, so I asked Jamie. He said he didn’t bring it up with me because I weaponize his insecurities and bring things up again later. I told him I wished he’d told me he was upset about that. He says I don’t respond well when he has an issue with me – I said it depends on how you communicate it. It felt like the therapist was more focused on me communicating better with him. I voiced that it’s often up to me to communicate – she said it should be 50/50. When I told this to my mom, she remarked that it should be 100/100. It just felt like I needed to do more to communicate better so he’d understand. The therapist asked if I were familiar with “I feel” statements and when I said yes she said maybe I’m not using them right because he shouldn’t be able to argue against those. I told her I often do what he wants and how that’s not reciprocated – she told me that was unhealthy of me. She asked us both to not jump to any conclusions or rush into any big decisions and to not talk about splitting up until our next session with her in a week. She said she sees a lot of potential with us. Does she just not know everything or should I still try to make it work? I don’t know if I want that. She told me to journal differently. She wanted us both to journal in short sentences – statements, and then express how we feel about them. Joffrey admitted that what I said was right, that he got angry, but apologized. His account of what happened made it seem like I didn’t try to communicate with him and instead just ignored him. He knows he needs to learn how to communicate and says that he’s willing to. And I believe him. I just… I don’t know if I have faith that it will get better. And even so, do I want to keep trying? I still feel hurt and the need to be on my own. I’m exhausted from trying. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe