Chapter 21 - Epilogue

Saturday, November 13th, 2021 Katy and I went to see Reggie Watts last night at Dynasty Typewriter. She got to meet him in the hall when she went to the bathroom. Sara June opened and she did a bit where she pretended to be the moon. As the moon, she was tired of everyone blaming her for their problems. She had us read cards with all of the nice things you could say about the moon instead, “Let us dance in worship of her!” “See, it’s not that hard!” She exclaimed. I am the moon. After the show, we went to Idle Hour where we felt like mice in a barrel. It was a cool spot – I love going out and seeing so many young people! A guy told me my blazer brought him joy. I watched Katy down a burger. I know I need to eat, my stomach is growling, but I’m not hungry – I have no appetite. We came back to the house and even though Katy had an early flight to catch, we stayed up later than we had in a long time; we didn’t want the night to end. I listened to Katy play along to music videos on the TV with the ukulele she got me for my birthday. Joffrey turned all of the photos of us in our room back around. I think I’ll take them all out. He left an empty suitcase, so I’m guessing he’ll be back – I’ll try to be out of the house. I was ready for him to have left. Our last conversation gave me the closure I needed. I know that seeing him again would only bring more pain. I’m glad he didn’t understand in the end. When he said that we share the blame 50/50, I felt good about my choice to leave him. When he said he hopes I learn to forgive, it was clear to me – we’ve always said there was this imaginary list… Some people are on the list and some people are not. You know who’s on your list. Joffrey is no longer on my list. In all of this, I’ve learned from re-reading my own thoughts and feelings that I have a beautiful mind and soul. At some point, Joffrey stopped seeing that. He doesn’t see that all I’ve done is love him so much that I’ve forgiven him over and over and over again. I deserve someone who shares my heart and mind. There’s literally (and physically) a mountain between us now. The space feels good. I am at peace. I’m going to buy myself flowers today. I know that the excitement for my new life and the grief for my old one will come in waves. These last few weeks have taught me that you’re never alone. There are always people who are ready to carry you through – all you have to do is ask. I’m 138 pounds now. I’ve lost 8 pounds over the course of this breakup. Katy said it took her a year to get her ex’s negative voice out of her head, but she knew those thoughts weren’t hers. I wonder at what point their thoughts became ours. How did we lose our light? I blocked Joffrey across my social media and unfollowed his family to make this all easier. I changed my relationship status to single and un-shared my location. I asked him to let me know when he’s coming over so that I can be out of the house. I swear, this is like a movie that just doesn’t end. We hit all of the plot points, but it just keeps going. Right when you think it’s over… BAM! A new conflict. We’ve got at least another thirty minutes left. We can’t message on Facebook now, so he texted back: Joffrey: I didn’t like how our last conversation went last night. Could we please talk a little more today? I just wanted a good day – a celebration of me! Amy, Elena, and April are coming over for my goth-themed break-up slumber party tonight. I have things to do. They’re so great. April congratulated me on my living situation becoming less tense and is bringing wine. Elena is excited to celebrate me! Me: I really don’t want to. I feel like I got closure. I’d just cry more. I’m afraid you’ll make it harder again. Joffrey: Please. I might not see you for a long time. I just can’t sit with all of this. Why do I keep doing this to myself? Why do I have to be so goddamn empathetic to where I put his feelings above my own? And for what? To only be criticized in return? What could he possibly say now that would make it better for me? This is all for him. It’s still all for him. But I’m curious. Would it be better to be left wondering? Phone a friend. I worked it out with my dad. He always gives the best advice. I need space, and if he loves me and cares about me, he’ll understand that. Maybe he’d have said all the right things, but that wouldn’t help me heal. And I can’t risk him making me question my decision even more. Dad said not to suggest this because it could come off as cold, but it made me feel better to hear that if he really wants to get closure himself, get whatever he’s thinking off his chest, he can write it down. And if he really needs me to hear how he’s feeling, he can send it in a letter. He knows I’ve always wanted a letter – or more practically, he could even go the easier route and shoot me an email. I can’t worry about Joffrey anymore. I choose me. (What a great finale! Character growth! Can this be the end?) Willing it into existence: EPILOGUE: F*****g hell. I texted him back my answer as he walked through the front door. He messaged me as I hid in my room: Joffrey: I completely understand. That’s why I'm living in Wade’s nasty room for a month. Because I care about you so much that I am absolutely 100% willing to do whatever it takes to make you happy. That’s all I want to say to you right now. I just need you to know all my feelings for you. He sat waiting for me on the couch downstairs. I headed down and put on my shoes, ready to excuse myself. He came to join me in the entryway. I listened. He didn’t understand why I was angry with him – he’d been giving me space, and he’s doing everything he can. He says he doesn’t know who he is without me – that I am his air. I am his person. That he’s sorry that our relationship wasn’t as good for me as it was for him. That he knows what he needs to do now, and he’s learned a lot. That we have a white love. He wants to see me in a month. I didn’t cry – I’ve heard it before. I asked him what a white love was – said it sounded racist. He smiled. He described to me something I’d shown him before about two different kinds of love. There’s the love you feel in the beginning that gives you butterflies, and that turns into something deeper, more comfortable. It’s not as exciting, but it’s real – they become your partner. He thought our love, our connection, was stronger than anyone’s he knows our age. He thought everyone could see it. I told him how I felt after our last conversation and what I thought about it. I said he may interpret this as a f**k you, but it’s coming from a place of love – I hope he goes to therapy and figures out who he is. I wished him the best. I told him that I’ve written everything down – what happened, how I felt about it. That I didn’t feel like he was in the right headspace to read it yet, but that in a year or two he might have the luxury that most boyfriends, or exes, don’t have – reflection. He didn’t like that timeframe. I shared that I might publish it. I said meeting up in a month might be too soon, but eventually, I would like to keep him in my life. He’s going to pack all day today, and I asked not to see him for a while. I’m writing this from the park with Penny, on my blanket with a view of the mountains. She’s rolling around in the grass. I’m giving the day to myself and filling it with things I love. I thought about this moment so many times – the final goodbye. The end. I grabbed my keys, “See you on the other side.” I turned to go and he said something that I couldn’t make out. I thought about letting it go but turned back. He said he loved me. I wasn’t sure if I should, but I said, “I love you,” back. Goodbye, Joffrey. 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