Chapter 8 - When You... I Feel

Sunday, October 31st, 2021 I went out with Rita yesterday. She doesn’t give the best advice, but she took care of me and I appreciated it. I cried almost all day and was confident about breaking up. Elena was also really nice. She was understanding and told me his behavior wasn’t okay and that my feelings are valid. Hanging with all my college friends, I felt like it would be cool to be single. Bar hopping with them was fun and going to the Avalon with Bonnie and her friends as VIPs with a table felt out of this world! We skipped the line – Cat Woman walked us in and we got a bunch of free drinks. Dancing with them, I felt free. I had a 20 minute problem-solving phone consultation with a therapist today. She encouraged me talk with Joffrey and to tell him how I’m feeling: When you… * Told me I was insane and I asked if you really thought that and you said yes, I felt abusive. It made me question whether I was a level headed person and when you... acted like it never happened, I was left feeling crazy and upset. * When you... said that I was idiotic for wanting to go see Dune as a group or as a date… * That I’m trying to make things harder for you… * That I’m selfish… * That it’s always about me… * That it shouldn’t matter… * When you... apologized for getting mad, but went on to talk about how I’m ruining things for you… * When I said you called me idiotic and you didn’t say anything and continued to insist I was trying to ruin things… * That I was making you be bad… * When you... attacked my understanding of social harmony… * And said I always do what I want and that you didn’t feel bad and changed your ticket… * I felt... like you had a lot of contempt towards me. * When you... were mad you saw Dear Evan Hansen with me when I thought I hadn’t made you and you were just doing something nice for me, I felt... confused. * When we... went to the Haunted Hayride and you said you should start saying no to me and you hated the date I planned, I felt... sad and that I needed to practice being happy just for me. * When you... didn’t want to talk through the first part of it, I felt... like it’s often up to me to have fun and I felt... alone and scared about dating you. * I wish... you’d have fun with me and not shut down my inner child and social butterfly. * To me that means... you’re embarrassed of me and don’t enjoy going out with me and I feel... you’re often annoyed by what excites me and I want to be excited. * When you... say I’m crazy and just being dramatic, I question myself… * When you... asked if we were breaking up and I told you I felt... hurt and you were annoyed that I put you in a tough situation, I felt... confused because I felt... like I hadn’t and sad that you blamed me. * When I told you about how I felt and you said I was holding a grudge, and said that you weren’t from when I hit you with a pillow, I felt... like you weren’t hearing that I was hurt and telling me I felt something else. * When you... rolled your eyes when I said you’d gaslit me, I felt... like you didn’t care… * When you... called me aggressive when I was calm, I felt... like you were changing my perception of myself and that’s really confusing. I wish… you would see me. * When you... complained that you shouldn’t have to apologize – that I was making it hard, I hadn’t asked for an apology and I felt... like you wanted to blame me when I was hurt. I felt... like you didn’t see me and that you were putting words in my mouth. * When you... laughed when I cried, I felt... like you didn’t care about my feelings at all. And then you said that this was all stupid. * I felt... like you thought I wasn’t entitled to my feelings and saw a red flag. * To me that means... that I don’t want to see myself through your eyes. * When you... said you had nothing to go off of when I wanted a break to cool down I felt… unheard. * When you... denied saying I was idiotic twice, I felt… gaslit, and scared that without this journal and proof, I’d have believed you and felt bad like usual, and apologized. To me... that’s emotional abuse. * When you... said I was misremembering I felt... angry because I’ve doubted myself so much in the past. When you… eventually downplayed it, I felt... like questioning if the gaslighting was intentional and it broke my heart to think so. * When we... lived with Elliot and you called me mean all the time and made me feel bad when I was upset, I felt... like you changed my perception of myself and I wish... you wouldn’t make me question the way I feel. I’m sad you still make me feel bad when it upsets me when you hang out with him. It makes me feel... like you’re not sorry for the way you treated me or the way he treated me when we lived with him. I wish you’d defend me. * I felt... wrong when I was sad and annoyed that no one talked to me at my birthday dinner and I felt... like I couldn’t confide in you when you got annoyed and made me feel bad. I wish... you’d have my back. * I wish... you’d pay me for my car. * After all this, when you... said you didn’t understand what was going on and I said I wanted to do couples therapy and you said it was excessive and not actually a big deal, I felt... hopeless... * When you... were annoyed and said we didn’t need to go, I still felt... gaslit and I wish... you’d have compassion for my feelings. I felt... that my feelings were wrong by you and I was terrified for our future. * When you... listened and said you’d do better and gave me space, I felt... respected and I wish... that it hadn’t of taken you feeling like I was going to end things for you to hear me. I felt... like you hadn’t listened all these years and questioned whether change was possible. * I wish… you wouldn’t say things I’m excited about are dumb, stupid, crazy or wrong. It makes me feel... that we’re not on the same page and that you’re not happy for me when I’m happy. They may be to you, which makes me sad, but I find myself doing less of the things that make me, me – I wish... I could share more with you. * I’m scared that you’re my person, but that we need to be apart for me to get myself back and to flourish and for you to grow. That I’m missing communication and mature love from you in our relationship. * I’m also scared that you’re not my person and I don’t want to lose you, but I’m scared it’s not working. * I wish… you’d be open to couples therapy with me, so we can figure out what we should do, and love each other and have compassion for each other’s feelings out of that love in the process. But I feel... scared that you won’t hear me, be annoyed and not be able to communicate. * I feel... like I do the heavy lifting communication wise in our relationship, and I wish... you’d take care of me the same. I’m exhausted by the name calling and begging you to treat me right. I feel... I can’t teach you anymore and the rest is up to you. * You may feel differently, but please don’t tell me what I’m feeling is wrong and make me doubt myself, or make me feel bad for feeling this way because it’s confusing for me when you do that, and it makes me not trust my feelings. Expressing my feelings, which I know probably hurt you too, like you know – is very hard to do. Before I read this to him, I asked if he wanted to talk first. He said he didn’t like how I’ve handled this – I am proud of how I did. He was mostly concerned with himself and how hard it’s been for him. He said he wished I’d talked to him instead of Rita. I guess she texted him her support. After I read this, he said he was open to therapy but he still didn’t think it was necessary. Everything was fine two weeks ago! But he apologized. He explained he’s been trying to lean into his introverted side more and he felt like he had to go out with me because two years ago, I got upset when he didn’t come to Rita’s birthday with me. I remember that – communicating I felt I needed my partner there; at the time, I didn’t know anyone. I barely knew Rita. I don’t make him come to things. I feel I respect his introverted side. He assured me he’d pay me for my car – he’d just forgotten… I just had dinner with Bonnie and Carrie. They really listened to me and they let me work through how I felt without telling me how I should feel. I am more confident about breaking up, again. I didn’t like how Joffrey was upset that I’d confided in a friend yesterday, but he never tried to communicate with me beforehand when I was crying and when I told him I was going over there. He still felt more defensive than sad or compassionate towards me. But I know he cares and wants to try. I’m worried that he’s unsatisfied with me being so extroverted – I don’t really know why he wants to hang on if he gets so annoyed by me. I am a great girlfriend, but I need support too, and in talking to him, I just don’t know if he understands emotions or himself or how to communicate feelings and words yet. And I can’t just keep hoping it’ll get better even though I feel he will one day and be perfect. I don’t expect perfection, but I do feel our relationship would be better if he could communicate and express himself. Maybe breaking up will give him the space to explore himself and me the space to surround myself with people who support me. It was a point in his favor for giving me space and sleeping on the couch, but then he made me feel bad about it after by complaining. I need to trust how I feel here. I came home and very maturely told Joffrey, crying, that I know this is scary and really hurts, and that I miss sleeping and hanging with him, but it’s really hard for me to do that when I’m trying to figure out what’s best for me, and us. Being close makes me want to just forget and move past it – but if we have a future, I need to move through this even though it’s sad. I told him I wouldn’t make him sleep on the couch, but it would make me more comfortable. He wanted to just put pillows in between us. I was considering it, but then he got really ugly. He continued to complain about how I was handling this entire situation, and that he didn’t get why we couldn’t work through this together and not bring a therapist in. He told me he didn’t know who I was. He thought this was all happening because he went to see a movie by himself. I told him he needed to sleep downstairs and he was mad. I poured my heart out to him to try to help him understand. He didn’t validate my feelings – he argued against them. And he didn’t have compassion for me in the convo – it was all about him and how I was being ridiculous. He didn’t say that this time, but that was the gist. For a second he listened I think, related to my feelings and maybe felt bad, but it was a lot of me repeating myself and standing up for my feelings. I begged him not to keep making me try to make him understand. That I couldn’t keep telling him. I begged him to let me sleep – that I had work in the morning, over and over. He kept me up for over an hour. I was desperately compassionate and honest. He admitted he’d thought about breaking up with me right before the pandemic when he was considering moving back home. He assumed I probably knew – I didn’t. I told him he left me guessing and it was really hard and scary, but I was going to support him and what he needed out of my love for him. He wanted me to do my own therapy first. I disagreed based on what the therapist told me today, but he kept insisting. I told him he was making this really hard and I wish he’d listen to what I’m saying and not continuously argue against what I need. He kept complaining about how I was asking him to sleep on my memory foam pull out couch, so I told him he could look for a place. He kept asking if I was serious, all because of one thing. I didn’t discount that we were happy when we went camping a couple of weeks ago. We’re good partners – we’re family, but right now he’s being an unsupportive partner. He spat instead of breaking up with me before and kicking me out of the bed, he decided to go home for three weeks; he suggested I do the same. I responded by telling him that was really mean and he needed to let me sleep. I opened the door for him and he said, “Who even are you? I don’t even recognize you! Like, who are you?” I was ready for him to leave. I remember jumping on that plane when the pandemic hit, excited to be with him, but now I feel like maybe I shouldn’t have. But he didn’t communicate that he needed space, so… It did get better there for a while, and it was beautiful. But seeing this side of him, where he’s still unsupportive and ugly to me when he hurt me! He thought I should be the one to sleep on the couch and that I was being mean to him when I’ve only been considerate and so patient and kind through my sincere love in all of this. I’m asking myself the same question – who is he? But I’m not surprised. This isn’t out of nowhere. I recognize him. I think he’s trying to find reasons to play victim now, even though he apologized and said he wanted to do better, which is confusing. When he wouldn’t leave and was being mean, I told him to be a man, and to go sleep downstairs. He was all, “Wow, OK.” I said I was serious. Me, attacking his manhood! Wow! How could I? He must be really upset that I said that. Oh no! Poor Joffrey. I really am just the worst, huh? I get that he’s upset about what’s going on, but he doesn’t have to be mean. Earlier he said I was making him out to be a monster – I don’t think he’s a monster. I can’t sleep. I’m realizing that it was really good when Katy was here because we supported each other emotionally. I had a panic attack after she told me she was moving. I think you need a good friend in addition to your partner. But shouldn’t you feel supported by your partner? Isn’t that the point? Trying to go to a happy place so I can sleep, but most of my happy places include Joffrey. Big Sur with Katy. The lake as a kid. Community College, being single and having so many friends. Get full access to My Fictional Diary at myfictionaldiary.substack.com/subscribe