Childhood in the digital world .The Disconnected Self

Send us Fan MailA child can be bright, polite, and high-functioning while feeling unreal inside. That quiet distance is easy to miss, especially when there are no obvious behavior problems, but it can shape everything from mood swings to shutdown to the familiar “I don’t care.” We explore what I call the disconnected self: not the absence of self, but a self that has learned to divide, adapt, or go offline in order to cope. Drawing on core ideas from psychoanalysis and attachment theory, we walk through how splitting and lack of integration can leave feelings unlinked, why Winnicott’s false self can look like “being good,” and how consistent emotional holding helps a child build a steadier sense of who they are. We also look at Bion’s view that children learn to think about feelings through being understood, and Fonagy’s idea that numbness often signals a developmental gap rather than true emptiness. When stress or trauma is significant, we discuss how self-states can fragment, creating a child who seems like a different person in different settings. From a parenting perspective, the biggest change is the question we ask. We stop focusing on what is wrong with the child and start asking what the child had to do to manage their inner world. I share a practical stance you can use immediately: consistency over perfection, naming emotions without panic, staying calm, and resisting the urge to fix what may not be fixable in the moment. We also connect this back to childhood in a digital world by asking how screens can become escape or self-soothing, and what that might reveal about disconnection from self and others. If this resonates, listen, share it with someone raising a child, and subscribe and leave a review so more parents can find the support they need.