Choosing from a deeper place.

Hi, welcome. I welcome you, I welcome myself, and I welcome this moment. And I invite you to join me for a short, less than 12 minute meditation time of being present in this moment where we find ourselves. You might want to take a deep breath. Even if you’re in the middle of activity or driving your car, you can breathe. You should be breathing. And you might want to take notice of how that breath is moving. Maybe even find in that noticing a little bit of gratitude for the fact of breath, for the fact of your aliveness, and your ability to receive and be present to that life. As I sit here and breathe and come into the present moment, I’m aware of so many sensations in my body. I’m aware of feelings of stress and overwhelm. I’m aware of feelings of nervousness and fear. I’m aware of real overstimulation, where my nerves feel a little bit on edge. It’s been a very challenging end of summer, beginning of the new school year. We’re still not out of the woods yet, as my oldest son makes a transition to a new school. And as I make a transition into a new season of work, where I can really feel myself being called to clarity, to choosing, to decision-making that is grounded in my most clear and loving and true self. And when I name this anxiety and this fear that I can sense, I can tell that my body, which has been conditioned to choose from all kinds of different criteria than love and truth, still — it’s really rebelling and resisting clarity and decision-making. And so in this time of meditation, I am just noticing that tension. The presence of that discomfort, and the presence of this clarity that is ready, is kind of seeking to burst forth from me. And if you’ve been following me for a while, you might hear that and go, “What? The clarity is still trying to burst forth?” I mean, I’ve certainly for several years now been putting myself out there on YouTube and Substack and into the virtual world. I’ve been naming things and creating things. And so clarity has been coming. And yet I recognize that even as the clarity has been coming, and as truth has been emerging through me, and I’ve been facing my fears enough to bring it forth, I feel like I’m at another threshold — a new threshold. And this should not surprise me, because what we learn from Emanuel Swedenborg, and from so many spiritual teachers, is that this journey of regeneration, of coming to new life, is continual. It’s a spiral. And so we’re always revisiting, at new levels, similar experiences. And so this threshold that I’m at now — I’ve been thinking a bit about when I recorded my first podcast. I have to look back at when that was, but it was while I was still working at the Swedenborg Chapel in Cambridge, several years ago now. And I was so nervous. And of course, my first podcast guest was my husband. And he was so patient with me. And so I know that this fear is just part of a threshold, and that it doesn’t last forever. But it shows us where we’ve been, right? Fear says, stay with what’s familiar, stay where you’ve been. And so anytime we want to go anywhere new, anytime we want to grow or expand or regenerate beyond what has been — at least in my experience — fear is inevitable. And I believe I even recorded a video, maybe a year ago, where I boldly proclaimed to stop being limited by fear, right? To stop being afraid, right? Sometimes we make such declarations. But who am I to stop the experience of fear? Is that even possible? Would I still be a human being if I didn’t experience fear? What I’m beginning to realize and wake up to, the longer I’m on this path, is that all of these emotions continue, right? They morph and they shift and they flow in seasons, and fear keeps showing up every time I take another step. It’s not that I can stop being afraid, but I can stop choosing to let that fear have the final say. I can stop believing the messages and the stories that the fear tells me. I can stop trying to fix the fear, or run from the fear, or hide from it. And I can act anyway. I can choose, I can decide, from a place that is deeper than emotional experiences. And so when I sit in a Be Love Meditation, when I sit with the intention of being with myself and noticing all that is here, I’m so grateful to be able to notice that there is a part of me bound to the Divine — beyond fear, beyond emotional experience in general, beyond thought — and that from this place I am being held, cared for, infused with life, guided, loved. And from this place, I can decide. I can choose. I can choose to put messages out on the internet. I can choose to create new things. I can choose to sit still and be present. And so can you. And there is something about choosing that with others. Even doing this — sitting here in this meditation and taking the time to speak intentionally to others — while you’re not here in the room, I sense that this is for others. And so in that sensing, I can actually almost feel your presence. And that helps me. The truth is, it helps me. It helps me to trust what is unfolding inside of me when I’m with others in that unfolding — when I’m not convinced that it’s just about me figuring it all out alone. Because it’s that aloneness and that separateness, that separation, that so often breeds all of these fear stories: of limitation and mistrust and overwhelm, and this belief that we can’t choose. That we don’t have the right to choose. That we don’t have the power to choose. That our lives are totally shaped and formed and affected by just everything around us, and that we are not, in fact, free. That’s a story that I am ready to step out of. And as I record this video and reflect on this, I’m ready to step out of it, and my conditioned self — the one that believes all those things I just named I’m done believing — is pretty scared. And if you’re feeling any of that fear for yourself as you go along your path, just know you’re not alone. And it’s another reason that I’m building this Collaborative and this shared space, so that we can be together and give each other confidence. Because things are less scary when we’re not alone. So that’s been my 12-minute Be Love Meditation. I can see the timer. You might want to stop here and get on with your day, and I really appreciate you joining me. But if you want to just stick around for a couple more minutes, I do want to share what I am choosing, what I am deciding to do next on this journey — for myself, as much as for you. We’re beginning a new rhythm as September arrives. And one of the things that’s become very clear to me is that publishing a Substack on Sundays is really not a good rhythm for me. What the weekends are going to become, moving forward throughout the year, are going to be either family time — which I really need, and the weekends are the time when my kids are home — or they’re going to be retreat weekends, times away. Already some retreats are being formed. I’ll be traveling to Florida in October, Michigan in November. Some other retreats are coming into shape in the new year. So my intention is at least once a month to have a retreat experience. So I’ll just be present with other people. And I hope I’ll get the chance to share that experience with some of you who are watching. Or I’ll be with my family. But I’m not going to be reflecting on what to share on Substack, because that is not a good use of my energy and my time. My intention is to publish something on Wednesdays, because Wednesdays are my Sabbath day. They’re the day that I take time to be alone with myself, with God, with my creativity. And it feels meaningful to offer up a video or a reflection on Wednesdays, when I’m in that space. I’m in that space right now. And so it’ll be a little bit of work to get it online, but I hope it will feel really like a Sabbath experience. That’s what ministers do, right? They work on the Sabbath. So it makes sense for me to do that as well. So Wednesdays I will put up a video — a Be Love Meditation of some kind, a reflection of some kind. Monday morning, 7:30 a.m., I’ll be hosting a Be Love Liturgy, a Be Love Devotion time — a short 20 minutes tops gathering on Zoom before work. (This link isn’t live yet, reply to this email if you’d like this ZOOM link.) A good friend and collaborator who’s on the board will be joining me from Maryland, and we’re going to do a classic, traditional Swedenborgian liturgy on Mondays at 7:30 a.m. So if you’re unfamiliar with traditional Swedenborgian liturgy, maybe you’ll be curious to join. If you’re familiar with traditional Swedenborgian liturgy and you love it, please join. And we’ll see if there’s an appetite for that. So that’ll be happening on Mondays, and it’d be awesome if you felt called to join in that free offering. It’d be great to have a real regular group come together at that time. And then Fridays from 11 to 1 p.m., Alex Gayheart and I are going to be hosting Be Useful Office Hours. We’ll be working together during those two hours, and we invite you to pop in, to drop in with your questions, with your ideas. We’ll be developing a shared to-do list that we can hold together, and maybe you have some time to volunteer and help out. We’ll see where those office hours morph to, but for now they’re just going to be wide open. You can get the link at our website. And then one of my big endeavors in the new year is going to be Tuesday evening. It won’t be every Tuesday evening — probably twice a month, maybe three times — I will be hosting Be Honest Conversations, from 8 to 9:30 p.m. Eastern Time, Tuesdays. Once a month, that conversation will be on a faith topic. This month, we’ll be exploring the New Jerusalem with two great colleagues: Catherine Lauber from Fryeburg, Maine, pastor of the Fryeburg New Church, and David Moffett from Australia, who heads up the Swedenborg Community, Victoria. They’ll be joining me September 22nd for our first Be Honest Conversation on Faith. This will be a livestream experience, so you can join in and watch our conversation, but then I’ll also release it later on as a podcast. And then the following Tuesday, 8 to 9:30, we’ll be having a Be Honest Conversation on a justice topic. The topic will be disability justice with my wonderful fellow collaborator, April Alario. She’ll be sharing her personal experience, what she has learned along her way, and a lot about what she’s working towards in the world and in her own life — to build a world that is more just for all of those people who are experiencing disability in its many forms. I’m so excited for that conversation. So those are the two coming up in September, and there’ll be more coming up in October — more to come. But Tuesday evenings, we’ll gather to be honest. And I’m excited for what will unfold. (These links are also not yet live, please reply to this email if you’d like to join one of these live streams.) So that’s the basic plan, the basic outline of public offerings: Monday morning devotion, 7:30 a.m. Tuesday evening, Be Honest Conversations, 8 to 9:30 Eastern Time. Wednesdays, I’ll put out something on Substack that you can watch in your own time — a meditation, a reflection. And then Fridays, you are welcome to come to our office hours, from 11 to 1. And on top of that frame, there’s a lot of other exciting things in the works, as I’ve shared — some retreats that are in motion and in planning stages. We also have a group coming together now to help start developing the exhibit I’ve been sharing the vision for, for some time — an exhibit about the life of Helen Keller. Right now, our working title is *Felt with the Heart*. The idea is that we will have an exhibit that can travel the globe and share about Helen’s spiritual life, and bring people together to experience learning about her life, reflecting on what her life was and is, and then hopefully reflecting on their own lives, and how they too feel the most precious things within their own hearts, just as Helen did. So that team is coming together, and I also am starting a cohort for women — for women clergy and women leaders — to join together and reflect and learn together. And a couple other cohorts are also forming. So there’s a lot of movement right now, and I am choosing. I’m choosing how and where and with whom I’m going to direct my energy. And my heart is clear. My soul is clear. My soul is excited. And my body is a little afraid — or maybe I should say a lot afraid. Because it’s hard to change. It’s hard to choose. Not for everybody, but I think for a lot of women it’s hard, and it’s hard for me. But I feel ready, and I feel excited, and I feel grateful that I have the freedom to make these choices. Last thing I’ll note: I am sitting in a room in my house that has recently been vacated by my youngest son, that I am intending to transform into a podcast studio. It is an exciting and overwhelming project full of decisions, so that’s another thing on my plate as the year begins. If you’ve listened all this way, thank you so much for being on this journey with me, and for listening to my updates, and for helping me feel empowered enough to decide. I will be so excited to hear what resonates with you, and I’d be so excited if you join me in any of these upcoming offerings. We’ll see what’s coming next, what’s emerging next — in this work, this challenging, difficult, beautiful work of making worship all of life. All right, thanks friends. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit worshipislife.substack.com