Hey, everyone. It's James from the Lore Boys. If you're looking for a Christmas special episode where we act to silly cops, well, you're in exactly the right place. If you're looking for a normal lore episode, I'd suggest jumping to a previous episode or maybe one in the future. Strap on in. Oh, oh, oh. If everybody could take their seats, please. That'd be lovely. Thank you.
Hello, and welcome, everybody. Thank you. As always, I'd like to thank everybody for being here during the holidays. I know it can be hard on all our families, but if we didn't want to neglect our families, we, of course, wouldn't have joined law enforcement. I am Peter O'Donohue, COP, Chief of Procedure of the Yule Title Crime Unit for the Lore Boys Lore Bureau, the Internet's number one fake history agency. Joining me from the Department of Festive Affairs is Special Agent James Miller, as well as the Mayor of Lore City, Ohio, Ethan Vengeance Palmer. Apologies for the delay in holding our press conference this year. Both Mayor Vengeance and I got a little sick.
Right at the end there. Welcome, as always, to Agent Miller, and congratulations on your electoral victory last March. Mr. Mayor, please introduce yourselves. And, Agent Miller, please give us and the press corps your badge number. I do want to say, I mean, thank you, of course, as always, Officer Cop Cop, for having us. It's truly an honor to be representing the good people of Lorbonia. Obviously, we did secede from the continental United States, the city of Florida, Ohio, following my electoral victory, one of my many, many election trail promises, which I do and will continue to uphold for all time. Obviously, the greatest mayor to ever be elected in any sort of governmental race. And some people would say...
Mayor's better than president. You know, in a lot of ways, it's more important and probably means I'm more virile than someone like a sleepy Joe Biden. All right. Who I'm pretty sure is still the president of said United States. I haven't checked, but it's not part of my police work. I will say to the good people of Lore City, Ohio, if anyone has seen my service weapon, I would appreciate it being returned to me because I have, once again, misplaced it. So obviously curfew enacted in the city until someone brings back my service weapon. I like how the mayor of Lore City, Ohio, of Lorbonia, excuse me, that you've seceded, still gets a service weapon. You know what they say about being the mayor? I make all the rules for everyone and they have to follow them. That is a common saying, you're correct. So service weapons for all the mayors was one of the first rules and one of my campaign promises, which I did keep as I keep all my campaign prompts, of course. Good. Yeah.
Officer Miller over here, or Detective Miller, badge number 8008135, and I've got the license to milk, so I'm ready for this, guys. We're issuing all kinds of crazy stuff out here now. Also, I would like to officially welcome to the Press Corps Patrick Aboeuf and Nick Vidigt. They've joined the ranks of our unbiased reporters via direct cash donations to the department. So thank you very much, gentlemen.
Finally, as always, like every year, I'd like to address the elephant in the room. Agent Mikulski is currently on paid leave after it was discovered that he was coordinating with the Mossad via a certain financier. It is a position of this department that he is innocent, but we will be investigating both ourselves and the over 10,000 fake emails that he is mentioned in. And of course, you know, I will be launching the new kill coin, the new crypto coin with my name on it. And, you know, some funds raised from that will go to the legal defense of our dearly wrongfully persecuted fellow officer. Yes.
Agent Mikulski, paying for lawyers with crypto is the new hotness, I think. Under the, from what I understand, continued presidency of sleepy Joe Biden here in 2025. I mean, look forward to the launch of that, and just remember one of my campaign promises was not to do a rug pull. Yeah. There's no rug in this house. Have you guys seen some of the new plaques at the White House that are under all the presidents? My contemporaries in the White House are insane. It's incredible. What an incredibly incredible move. I am very, very happy that you've seen it from the continent of the United States there, because that is, every time, the definition of too far changes.
every fucking day. It's such an amazing time to be alive as a politician, let me tell you. It's truly inspiring to know that I can just do anything. There will be no repercussions ever, forever. It's amazing. Bill Clinton and his wife lost to Donald J. Trump in the election. I'm an officer of the law, and I work in facts, so that just is true, Officer Miller. I don't want to, Special Agent Miller, rather. I'm sorry. She is a bit of a pill. Bill was fun. Bill was fun at those parties that we used to have on those airplanes, but old Pilly Hilly, not for me. It is unfortunate that...
Former President Clinton and Agent Mikulski are in 500 photos together. I think they're fake, though. As both chief of procedure and the artist for the show, I could easily draw Bill Clinton into 500 pictures with me. I know a little something about fake evidence as a police officer, okay? Fair enough. I'm pretty sure they're fake. Fair enough. We're only here to discuss real evidence, though, obviously.
So obviously two pressers in a year is quite a lot for our department. The taxpayers will be billed for our overtime. And I'd like to thank again Special Agent Miller and his old Interpol contacts once again for their help in today's investigation. It is another international case. Thanks to their forensic dentistry experts working with the thousands of cookies with one bite taken out of them from around the world. We managed to confirm that the human male skeleton found last year, or back in February, excuse me, within the Ginger Branch Davidian compound was indeed not Santa Claus. This conference marks the launch of Operation Mystery Boner. This is our new operation for the year of 2026.
He is still up there. In the classical turn-of-the-century sense of being a gaff, right, or a blunder. Absolutely. We are, of course, as all police officers do, all good police, quoting the Joker. Yeah, when they find those really old skeletons from hundreds and hundreds of years ago, and they say, oh, no, people used to be smaller. That's not true. I think it's just elves that they found.
It's entirely likely. We can investigate that too as well. We are funded entirely by that. We're police. We can do whatever we want. Well, if you found an elf skeleton, I mean, did they just not find the foot bones? Because wouldn't the feet do the, you know, they go like whoop, they do like a swoosh at the end. I never popped one of those sweaty puppies out of there. I don't know if they go all the way around. But the ritual suggests they must be buried with their shoes. I had always heard that there was some kind of curse if you took an elf skeleton's shoes off. I'm not risking no elf curses, let me tell you. I've never cracked a sarcophagus in the name of police work and I'm not taking off an elf's shoes. Look, there's no job in the world that's more dangerous than being a police officer, except for, you know, pizza delivery driver and a couple of other hundreds.
pretty mundane jobs uh but i'm not gonna risk my life and the life of my fellow officers fiddling around with some elf shoes okay there's curses involved and no pain we ordered some food over the holidays and i the instructions to get to my apartment like without saying exactly how to get my apartment it's not obvious you have to go down some stairs through some doors and like there's another way to get out of the apartment and i always tell them oh you can go out the other way and they never trust me it's like faster to get back to their car but they're like no i'm going the normal way up because i've already needed to go through all these weird ass doors to get to your basement dungeon you're someone's gonna kill me down here you know i just want my sushi bro Special Agent Miller's been working for Interpol for a decade, still lives in a basement apartment, orders pizza. You see those two spiked walls? Just walk right between them and don't worry about the sticky-looking glue on the floor. Just one raised tile in the middle. It's like, make sure to walk right in the middle, yeah. So, on the subject of Santa Claus, we know he's not dead. He is still out there, and rest assured we will stop him. The mission accomplished banner will remain up on the outside of the building, no matter how tattered it gets.
This is not the first time we've discovered Santa Claus has faked his death to elude our team. The previous time, at least the most recent time that we know of, was, of course, in the Metropolitan Correctional Center in New York. This leads us to believe that this has been his modus operandi for centuries at this point. I can't believe we got away again, Chief. It's burning me up inside. We got to revisit the evidence. We got to go back. We got to look at the full trail here. We got to look at maybe some of the oldest evidence we have on files. Let's start from the beginning. That is the intent here. You are absolutely correct here. Despite the fact you are a municipal politician now, you still have instincts. I'm always a cop. Once a cop, always a cop. All right. The instincts of an officer of the law. I bleed blue. I mean, I don't know that for sure because I've never been hurt in any way in my position of power. But yeah, I'm not about to start now. Once a cop, always a cop. My first act as mayor was pardoning every cop that's ever done anything wrong.
All the cops involved in that Rodney King circus, I mean, they're off. They come to Lord City, Ohio, they're off scot-free, let me tell you. I don't know if they ever faced any actual punishments for what they did to Rodney King, or what they allegedly did to Rodney King, but it wouldn't fly here, let me tell you. And let me tell you that barefoot hippie savage from Canada, James Cameron, because of that whole debacle, portrayed a liquid metal police officer as the villain in Terminator 2, which I personally think is one of the worst movies ever made. When the real villain in 1998 was Antifa, okay? Especially in 1998. Yeah, that's why people look like they would bleed blue, though, if we're being honest. Yeah.
Having seen the movies, as research, as opposition research, I can confirm that they bleed red still. Do you remember when we were, maybe this is, I made this up, but when I was young, I feel like they told us your blood is blue while it's in your veins, but then whenever you cut and it gets exposed to oxygen, that's why it's red. But that's not real, is it? No, it's not true. But it is something that happens. There's a lot of lies in the public school system, which is why I've abolished education in North City, Ohio. It's all homeschooling now, but yeah, they're just making shit up out there. Miss Frizzle, that lying bitch.
When are we going to start arresting teachers? This is my question. We've arrested her for the several counts. I think 2,000 counts of attempted murder on one Arnold. Young boy named Arnold. Every time they go on a field trip, it seems like she attempts to kill him. It may have seemed obvious that his cousin's name, Wendy, or something.
You're asking the wrong cop. I don't learn the names of the victims. I'm sorry, the citizens. Criminals. Criminals. They're all criminals. If they've been arrested, everybody's a criminal. If you've been arrested, you are a criminal. But the fact that Arnold was the informant was the rat that we had planted the whole time. No one suspected. Everybody figured it would have been Carlos. Or maybe even the blonde girl. The nerd.
It's a bit of a teacher's pet. It should be a fed. I've already established that I'm the wrong person to ask. This is more for the journalists at the press conference. Nothing brings me more joy. Yeah, those two journalists you invited really are piping up very much, huh? Yeah, a couple little quiet little mice over here. Go ahead, say something, guys. Say something, go ahead. Yeah, not a journalist was stirring, thankfully. What are they going to do, fact check me? Anyway, where were we here?
Right, so as far as going back to the beginning here, we can be fairly certain that Santa Claus is operating under an alias somewhere in the Mediterranean at this time. He's gone to ground somewhere familiar under the alias of Nicholas. I also have an artist's interpretation of what he would look like right now. You're telling me the son of a bitch is from outer space? The Mediterranean, actually, Mayor Vengeance, it's just north of Africa and west of the Middle East. You said he was an alias. Oh, excuse me. It's just a fake name.
Big name for alien? Maybe a little bit more Magic School Boss would have benefited you before wrestling was personal. The alias that he currently has is Nicholas. This is the artist's interpretation of our police sketch right now. Thankfully, it's centuries old and from the Byzantine times, so that's a pretty handy thing to have. Some evidence suggests that Nicholas has been canonized by the Catholic Church, which I think is very unfortunate. However, we are not... Sorry? Yes. Same joke, different words, yeah. For the record, we are never going to be investigating the Catholic Church for crimes of any kind here. Nah, they're good people. They're good people. They're never done anything bad.
That being said, St. Nicholas is the patron saint of, among other things, toy makers, very suspicious, and the falsely accused. Twice as suspicious, as far as I'm concerned. Yes, that's, I mean, is there such a thing, really? Falsely accused? Because when you think about it, falsely accused. They were accused, so what's false about that, you know? Nothing at all. I'm just saying, at this point now, members of the press, everybody listening to the press conference right now, it may be time to crush your children's belief in both Santa and the falsely accused, because neither one exists in the opinion of this department.
From what we know, this is not the first time he's used Saint Nicholas as an alias, not the Earth alias, not the space alias, nor the first time he has planted a fake skeleton before attempting to disappear. Based on the evidence we currently have, we can say with confidence that this alias has been in his rotation since the third century when he was still in Anatolia. Now, if you, like me, don't know a whole hell of a lot about the outside world, Anatolia is located somewhere here. in the country of turkey which again i was shocked to learn is not just a bird but it is uh seasonal we're going to look into whether or not that has anything with the birds that we've been eating during the holiday season as well what part of the united states is this it doesn't look very familiar it's one of the carolinas i believe okay yeah north carolina south carolina turkey carolina you know from what i understand that's uh my understanding of american geography is that anatolia is somewhere in north carolina Thanks to Special Agent Miller's ex-colleagues in Interpol. We know that Nicholas first started trespassing in the late third century. The earliest report we've put in his file is in regards to his intervention into the careers of three young women.
Initially, these women were to become prostitutes, which this COP supports. The official position of the Bureau is that sex work is real work, as long as the clients are wealthy white men. And Nicholas interfered by trespassing onto the property of the father of these women, where he would secretly plant small bags of gold coins. Over the course of three nights, so there's multiple trespasses, he planted enough gold so the girl's father could pay dowries for all three of them, meaning they were all ended up being happily married instead of streetwalking prostitutes, unfortunately. Sorry, I thought you were going to say something. Did you hear my gasp? I mean, I just had a thought of these poor women being, you know, dowried off to some guy that they didn't even know. It's been able to choose a life of sex work. A little emotional. It was a terrible crime. And again, this sounds wholesome on the surface, but we do need to remind the public, as we always do, that trespassing is a crime. Despite the trespassing charges, Nicholas was made Bishop of Mira in Turkey after he'd been to both Egypt and Palestine. This department is not aware of why he went to these places. The alibi, we've heard that this was a pilgrimage.
I've yet to see any proof of this. He's probably just going and trespassing other people's homes in these areas. We have been interviewing people on the ground in these areas to corroborate that. The pilgrims did love Turkey, so they might be in Turkey, Carolina, if we had to guess. They also love starving to death. Until those goddamn natives showed up and forced them to learn how to cook. It's the duality of man. They love Turkey and starving to death, you know?
They love the presentation of the turkey. They love the carving of it, but not a lot of people know this. They didn't actually enjoy eating it very much. They love to starve to death and die of dysentery. When they do eat a lot of turkey, they loosen up their hat in one buckle. Yeah, those stuck-up British Protestants wouldn't let them starve to death at peace, so they had to come to North America and starve to death with the natives. They were too uptight when they got to play with the rock.
Right. Nicholas was actually, so he does have a record. Nicholas was thankfully arrested by Emperor Diocletian in 303 AD. He and Emperors Maximian, Galerius, and Constantius stripped Christians of their rights and began to round them up and throw them into jail or coliseums. Well, that I don't like so much. Well, the fact that, hey, listen, sometimes you've got to deploy the dragnet. I'm just saying, he was successfully incarcerated by the Emperor of Rome for some time, which is a thing that I personally support. Sure, some people get caught in the crossfire, but...
It's good police. That's all I'm saying. Yeah, but Christians, that's kind of the greatest people on earth. That means that they're American, right? If they're Christian, that means they come from America. I don't like the idea of some Latin man arresting an American. That's not right. The Coliseums they build in America, it's just like they have handguns. Yeah, exactly. Just shooting lines with a handgun.
I think you wouldn't be able to conceal and carry under one of those, like, sexy gladiator net armors, right? You'd see the gun. That'd be ridiculous. As a police officer, I'd clock it right away. Gladiator's got a gun strapped to his chest. You can see it. He's not wearing a shirt. I support his right to conceal carry, so, you know, it's not concealed at that point, right? Although I do support anyone's right to open carry as well. Yeah, open carry gladiators. That's also for me. And as a chief procedure, as an experienced police officer.
Very obviously. It's like, well, that guy not wearing a shirt has a gun tape to his chest. I can see. There's like no cover in a Coliseum. It wouldn't be very entertaining. It would be over very quickly. I think we got to add guns. Yeah. I think we'd have to reduce it. I don't know, like harpoons or something.
I feel like they used to build structures and stuff. I feel like they used to build things inside the Colosseum to make the events more spectacular. I think the floor could be modified. They had stuff that could rise up and rise out. Cages would come out or something. They actually did flood the floor. That thing they do in Gladiator 2, that was a real thing. They did actually flood the floor of the Colosseum and put animals in there. Which, crazy. And people are just like, I don't think anybody could have built the pyramids without laser beams. They're very clearly flooding a stone temple they made a thousand years ago. What are you fucking talking about?
You've never met an ingenious American who can flood the Colosseum in ancient Rome if you don't think that we can build a pyramid. You've never been to a Bass Pro Shop pyramid if you don't think we can build a pyramid, okay? That's right. I've never made my personal pilgrimage to the Bass Pro Shop Inn. Tennessee or something. Sacrilegious. I know. One day. Jamie, when you're deployed to Texas in 2026, you should go to the pyramid and try and get to the pyramid in a different state. Obviously, I don't know how far we are. I don't know how far that is. I went to a pyramid in Vegas this past year, and that was pretty cool. There were some sharks in the pyramid too, so we're not so different from our long-distance relatives. That's good. I'm glad we're keeping a lot of Roman traditions like smallpox, cholera, and sharks in pyramids. That's very good. It's very cool.
Right. We here at the Bureau would like to clarify that feeding Christians to lions predates both Geneva and its conventions. So I know, Mayor Vengeance, you had mentioned that you don't like this. We were savages. We didn't have the proper laws at the time. Things change, thankfully. It is now, thankfully, illegal to feed Christians to lions. Phew. Yeah. God bless you. It has been for some thousand years, I've just recently found out. I think you can still feed lions to Christians, though, depending on where you are. Of course. Yeah. All God's creatures are built to feed Christians. Yeah.
It says it in the Bible as far as I'm aware. So this isn't the first time that the government has worked with a couple of unsavory characters to get our man, like I said, to playing a dragnet sometimes. catch a couple of fish that may be out of season or a dolphin gets wrapped up in there and you just gotta put a bullet in it, frankly. So it'd be unfair if the media were to start holding us to account now, especially during the holidays. Come on, give us a break. Unfortunately, the woke emperor Constantine the Great released Nicholas from prison and witnesses later saw Nicholas at the First Council of Nicaea. But as like everything in the United States now, this is sponsored by some Bitcoin company. We will be taking a quick break from the press conference. And once you listen to an ad for crypto, we will be right back with more law enforcement.
Uh, welcome back from the word from our sponsors, everybody, and also members of the press. I do like the fact that, uh, under the courage of administration, that law enforcement has the ability to force journalists to listen to commercials now. It's been great. I think it's- Hail Mayor Vengeance. Hooray for Mayor Vengeance. Hail Vengeance. That's what they're saying. That's what they're saying. Hail Vengeance. Hail Vengeance. Um, so maybe just to rub it in law enforcement's face, uh, but after releasing Nicholas from his imprisonment, Constantine was the one who called the First Council of Nicaea, um, and then actually invited- That's the Council of Nicaea. He did that. He showed you shit. It's Council of Nicaea bullshit.
He did. He also invited Saint Nicholas to the first council after releasing him from his justified imprisonment, as far as we're concerned. So the council took place from May to July, excuse me, of 325 AD. Constantine and a veritable who's who of bishops were invited. I can confidently state that they are all guilty by association. If they weren't up to no good, then why are there so many frescoes of them featured together? So you're telling me that if this Saint Nicholas had never called this council as Nicaea, we would still have the one true Lord Sauron leading us because they never would have gotten together to build this stupid fellowship to destroy the ring? I believe you're mixing up.
Unbelievable. A different tome. I'm sorry. I'm deafened with rage right now. I can't even hear what you're saying. You can carry on believing it. In that case, it doesn't matter to me as long as we keep arresting people. It doesn't matter what's true. So here is a reference to the Council of Nacio. I'm not fucking with Elrod, though, okay? I'm not touching his feet. I refuse to do it, okay? I'm not risking the curse. I just won't. That's true. Yes. The curled shoes of the Council of Nacio.
So the evidence that we're providing right now, this picture here, the photo of them all together here, is a painting from within the Hagia Sophia in Istanbul, Turkey, North Carolina, as we've established earlier. The man in pink at the bottom of the painting is Arius, or Arius, A-R-I-U-S. From what witnesses have told us, he was some kind of heretic with alternative ways of thinking about the relationship between God and Christ. Ari suggested that the Father, the Son, and the Holy Ghost were not, in fact, the Holy Trinity, but that Christ was created before even the universe by God and is the true capital F firstborn being. As an officer of the law, I am obviously impartial in all cases, but I do want to mention how fucking cool that is.
Yeah, all these guys seem extremely cool. They don't look like they'd be fun to go to a movie with, what with the metallic circle that they're all wearing on the back of their. The foil halos, yeah. The heretic on the ground looks like he's on all fours, but there's a bed in front of him that he's put his torso on and he's on the phone because he's got his knees on the ground. He's got his hand up to his knee. Well, him and his other gossipy girl heretics are talking on the phone with their, like, twirling their hair, basically. Yeah, jingling their little elf shoes behind them there while they look up. It's like little bells. Yeah.
Thanks to the professional and trustworthy police we're in contact with down in Turkey, North Carolina, we have confirmed that Arius will be pressing charges against Nicholas when he is apprehended, which he will be, because during the Council of Nicaea, Nicholas allegedly struck Arius for being a heretic, and we have actually got photographic evidence of this happening here. Assaulting a police officer? You're going to add that to the charges now? We could probably retroactively deputize Arius for his cool ideas about Jesus being the firstborn of the universe. It's just like, you know when you put a gun on a perp or a little baggie of drugs? Put a badge on this guy, you know?
You want to... Instead of planting evidence, we want to plant power? Is that what's going on? Yeah, exactly. Well, yeah, so that... Well, on the victim here. You know what I mean? It's like planting on a purpose, just planting it on the victim instead. The plaintiff. Yes. So Nicholas assaulted a police officer at the First Council of Nicaea. As you can see, we have photographic evidence here. Keep in mind, cameras were definitely in the fourth century, which is why it looks like this. But it is the opinion of this bureau that this is a photograph, and real evidence in no way interpreted at all. I'll testify. Good. I'm glad. I'll say I was there. You say the word, Officer Cop-Cop.
I'll lie and say that I was there. You will tell the truth, which we will determine when the cameras are on a roll. This is where all good truth is established. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Oh, there's a little dusty in here. Hit us with a wink, would you? Hit us with a wink, Officer Boobies. There we go. There we go. Perfect. Try and copy that AI. Officer Boobies stuff.
Have you seen this AI stuff? It's crazy. They're trying to make our jobs harder. Can you believe it? They can make a picture of St. Nicholas slapping the shit out of Arias at the first castle of 19. Which I want to establish did happen. This is a real photo.
Emperor Theodosius II appears to have been in on this as well. This has been a while afterwards. He kind of went dark for a little bit. In 520 AD, he ordered the construction of the Saint Nicholas Church in Demry, Turkey, North Carolina. Nicholas may have asked his collaborators in Rome to help cover his tracks as he moved to either the North Pole or Mount Carmel in Texas, which we talked about earlier this year.
The new church was built on top of the church where Nicholas' bones were said to have been buried. Like I said, thanks to Agent Miller's contacts and his expertise in forensic dentistry, we know the skeleton is fake, but we do have a photo of the crime scene in North Carolina. Okay, it's a good place to hide bones. If I was going to hide my bones somewhere, or my fake bones somewhere, I'd put it in a place like this that looks old like it would have bones in it. Because then nobody would say like, hey, what's with these bones? People are just going to walk there and they're going to be like, bones? Well, this is the place for bones because it's an old place. A new building with bones in it is ridiculous. No one would like that. New building plus bones, suspicious right away. I like building plus bones.
They have the full-size doors for the Santas and then the small doors in the back for the elves. Exactly. It's the perfect. Honestly, it was so obvious this whole time. I can't believe it took us 1,700 years to realize what we've been looking at. Staring us in the face.
Having led a multi-year manhunt for St. Nicholas at this point, the three of us can confidently state that this was a cover-up and the bones within were fake, just like the ones were fake in Texas, as we established earlier. Wikipedia, where all good police work is done, states that the Basilica is on the UNESCO tentative list to become a World Heritage Site. Of course, with the aid of Mayor Palmer's political influence, we are trying to stop this. But it cannot. Absolutely. Exactly. This is an act of crime scene. It cannot be a World Heritage Site. This is ridiculous. Well, here's the thing, too. I don't recognize the sovereignty of UNESCO, all right? I've never heard of that state before, but they're not part of the union, if you ask me.
I think even if they do declare it or whatever heritage site, I don't care. I'm still going to do what I need to do. If that's burned to the ground, I'll burn it to the ground. Agent Miller, can you check and see if UNESCO is also in North Carolina? Maybe onto something here. Yeah, I thought UNESCO was some type of company with Co at the end there, but I'll keep looking into it. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. So our case went a bit cold for some time. However, in 1087 AD, the Seljuk Turks put in a little bit of Seljuk work and attempted to investigate this so-called burial site. It was good. It was good.
Unfortunately, Nicholas had gotten wind of this and sent out some elves based in Venice, Italy to recover the decoy skeleton. He gave a man 700 years to plan. He's going to come up with the perfect, you know, the perfect Da Vinci Code-esque way of circumventing your attempts to entrap him. It's an easy way. It's a long time to plan moving some bones. 700 years, right? We know our man plays the long game, though. We know that. All right? We've been on him for just under a decade, and it gets harder every year, frankly, to figure out what the hell he's supposed to be doing. And he's had, for movies, 1700 years.
to evade us he was ready for us the fact we've been this close uh so many times one we need more guns we need more apcs we need to be more militarized i think we need more funding because look look how close we got more funding exactly just with the funding we've had now just with the unlimited resources we currently have if mr president i am mr mayor excuse me i implore you right now speak to the president whoever that is whether it's the auto pen or some other guy that i may have maybe made up and saw on tv He's always one step ahead of this guy. We used to be able to track him just when we were able to track Rudolph's nose with the incandescent bulb in there. He switched to LED on us. And now there's no heat signature. We can't keep up. It's just... It's frustrating. I'm imploring the local, state, federal politicians here to think of a new number above unlimited to supply the police with money with. Yeah, we'll do infinity plus one, I think. And don't worry about it. It's approved, all right? As the mayor, we'll make it happen. Thank you. We appreciate... I appreciated your service when you were my colleague. I appreciated your investigations when you were my subordinate. I appreciate your support now as a friend, Mayor Vendez.
I picture vengeance when he signs bills or signs off on expenses. The skull crossbones? No, he has a gun that does the stamping for him. It's just often a hole in the bottom of the paper. I use spiral bound, so I use a full auto to just kind of give it a line down the side, you know? Oh, that's efficient. That's saving taxpayers money right there.
Well, here's the thing. We made the police can use more city, Ohio. So we're actually, and of course, you know, I, as the mayor own the mills that produce the bullets. So I'm selling them to the town at quite a profit, of course. So I am personally enriching myself, which is what the voters wanted. I did run on the platform of personal enrichment and the people of Lord city, Ohio did vote for that. So we appreciate it. And again, your collaboration, your help, your advice, frankly, navigating the murky waters of the political swamp has been very, very nice.
So the elves, the Venetian elves they had sent out, they managed to only recover and move parts of the crime scene to Venice, where thanks to some studies by unaffiliated religious scholars, it was discovered that the skeleton in Venice and the one in Turkey, North Carolina, were the same person. So scholars had been debating whether or not these were the real bones. Who had, my evidence, but at the time, who had the bones of St. Nicholas? Turns out, considering they're fake, at least as far as the Bureau is concerned, they both did. It was confirmed that these were the same prop skeleton in both areas. So St. Nicholas's bones had only been partially, or his remains had only been partially moved.
uh to venice when the seljuk turks had come in um right here um so some more liberal types claim that the sarcophagus was uh desecrated uh but of course in our official statement we are referring to it as evidence collection it's the same thing we can open your drawers throw away all your throw your clothes on the ground shoot your dog it's all evidence collection i think it's all it's all perfect you know yeah exactly Some evidence was actually kind of moved around. Unfortunately, the fact we were not there, the crime scene was a little bit messy, both of them, both the one in Turkey and the one in Venice. Some evidence was spread around with various knights throughout Europe over the years. Fragmentary bits of bone were carried around by Norman knights. So the French are in on this as well, that lousy Macron and his wife. Norman knights during the Crusades, which in all honestly, the fact they were...
meddling with the revenants and carrying it around. It really does cast a dark shadow over the Crusades, if I do say so myself. It's really unfortunate that they would interfere with the Crusades with good police work. It really is just like, kind of took the wind down my sails on that one there. I'm not thrilled about that one, but you do some dark stuff in your time as a police officer. These liberals got to take everything pure about an American institution like the Crusades and ruin it. What can I say? First blood light, now this. It's unbelievable. What next? And it's these corporations, you know, bowing to the liberal pressure from George Soros to ruin something like the Crusades, you know what I mean? Just because you own the Crusades, Google, doesn't mean you can ruin it, okay?
The mostly peaceful third crusade. Okay. I don't care what CNN told you. Yeah. They were just, they were peaceful demonstrators. All right. In the crusades. That's all they were doing. They were just demonstrating. And we looked into whether or not there were any FBI agitators in the crusades. Maybe we did all the evil shit. Everybody else is completely innocent.
But yeah, like I was saying. To wrap up the press conference here, I am, however, happy to report that the Venetian elves, who we suspected to have been involved in moving the evidence of the crime scene and trafficking the bones, were apprehended in early December of this year. So about two, three weeks ago at time of recording. They are in custody. They are in the custody of the Bureau of Festive Affairs, and we will be interrogating them later this week. They had returned to the crime scene on December 6th, which is the alleged date of Nicholas's death. So December 6th is the feast day of St. Nicholas. Excellent alibi. I think it's a very efficient way of setting up.
faking your death is to have a holiday as well associated with where people would celebrate. This having gone on now for 1,300 years is just, it muddied the waters a little bit, but we're too smart for that here over at the Bureau. I think it's like Santa, like, you know, when men plan their vasectomies, vasectomies spike right before March Madness basketball because they know they can stay at home and while recovering, watch a lot of basketball, right? Like Santa fakes his death, fakes his death 19 days before Christmas. He's just trying to get out of work, this guy.
Oh, that is good police, actually. There are special agent Miller. I hadn't considered that. That's not a bad, that's not a bad. Right at the end there, I'm glad that they put that in your paper. Put that in your rag, CNN, is what I think. But yeah, that would conclude our press conference this year about some of the history of St. Nicholas's use of this old alibi, his old alias, when traveling through Turkey and through the Carolinas. I have been Chief of Procedure, Cop Cop, C-O-P, Peter O'Donoghue. You can find me on Instagram representing the Bureau of Festive Affairs at Lore Voice Podcast. Also in my spare time when I'm not trying to arrest and imprison Santa Claus. I did write a comic, which is available on Amazon.com. Another.
Moral company, I think. More chiefs of police should plug their comic at the end of a press conference. Their fish erotica comic. Yeah, exactly. It's not against a lot as far as I'm concerned. It's not against a lot to personally enrich yourself as a police officer, okay, Jamie? There's no bridge too far in that pursuit, or never, okay? Yep. If you want to see more from Officer Tits, you can find me at LoreboyJames on Twitch. Playing a lot of Baldur's Gate lately, a little bit of Fallout. Who knows what you might catch me doing. We even ripped some Magic the Gathering packs the other day, so come on by, LoreboyJames on Twitch.
Yeah, thanks so much for listening to Officer Cop Cop's press conference. It means the world to us. If you like the show, consider leaving us a rating or review on your podcast app of choice. We will ask if this is the first episode you ever listened to, do not leave a review based on this episode. But maybe listen to one or two more for recent episodes before you go ahead and leave a review. If you found my press conference confusing because it's your first one, honestly, the last time that happened, it made me smile. So if you're confused, let us know because it did make me laugh. I will record an intro, but anyways. And if you want to support us, we do, of course, have my new crypto platform launching soon. Go to rugpole.com.
Killcoin is what we're calling it. And you can buy some coins there. Or we have a Patreon at Patreon.com slash TheLoreBoys, which you can check out. Kick a couple bucks our way to make sure that we can catch this fat, fat jolly bastard one of these days. We're close. The noose is tightening on him. Okay? The circle's closing.
The circle's turning into a square, if you know what I mean. And if you don't trust Patreon as a liberal Silicon Valley institution, that it is. Oh, wait, is Silicon Valley good now for us? I think they are, right? I think we're pro-Silicon Valley now. I've been way too busy trying to arrest Santa Claus. It's hard to think, but I have no idea. You've been out of politics too long, Officer Coppock. Yeah, that's why I love having a man on the inside now for these conferences here because, yeah, you're right. I've been on the outside. I've been too impartial for too long. I don't know anything about politics. I'm a policeman.
What I'll ask you to do is just go around and start planting evidence on people of various crimes, like maybe not being nice to a police officer. Maybe write a note that's mean to a police officer. Fictional. Don't make it about a real police officer because we don't want anyone getting hurt in the line of duty here. But you just go and you take that. You put it in people's pockets. That way, when they get arrested, we obviously get paid for an arrest. So we'll be arresting people for these offenses, and we'll be able to generate a little bit more cash flow for ourselves. Absolutely. And I think that would constitute a Lower Boys Police Department. Out.