Collect the Facts and Fears

A listener shared her frustration, weariness, and burnout after years of caring for her husband following a traumatic brain injury. At sixty-eight, she expressed growing concern regarding her abilities—and his diminishing ones. "He's got a colostomy, ileostomy, and a host of other physical issues requiring full-time care—and I'm just exhausted. His mind is sharp, but his body is severely impaired, and I'm conflicted about a long-term care facility." Listening to her "get it all out," I shared: "It seems you're nearing a decision point where his needs eclipse your efforts; you may be closer than you realize. Regardless, how about writing down what an appropriate long-term facility looks like for you and your husband? With that in mind, and given the waiting lists for so many facilities, you can seek the proper place together while you can still care for him. If the crisis moment arrives, you've already paved the road so that the transition is a bit smoother." As caregivers, we often must make decisions that benefit the whole unit—not just one person. The unit depends upon a capable caregiver, but fear, guilt, and obligation can hamper making the best possible decision in an impossible situation. So many couples struggle with this dynamic, and there's no easy path. Wedding vows discuss long-term care but not long-term care facilities. Yet leaning on a facility doesn't equate to abandoning the vows; instead, it can help both parties better keep them.    When you have collected all the facts and fears and made your decision, turn off all your fears and go ahead!  —George S. Patton