Communication Tools for Healthier Relationships from a Marriage and Family Therapist and a Divorce Attorney

Key Points, Top Takeaways and Memorable Quotes -“It’s being able to get to the root of communication, so that the emotion doesn’t get us off track.” 2:21“If you as a receiver can let somebody feel understood, feel heard, there’s 90% of the problem.” 2:48“When you’re the receiver in a conversation, in communication, your job is to keep everything about the sender.” 6:12“If we can work together shoulder to shoulder, then we’re a team.” 10:11“Neither one of us can be completely self-focused and expect a relationship to work.” 10:41“For women in particular, the magic combination for communication is to be assertive and warm as opposed to aggressive.” - Ann @ 11:17“If it’s not equally beneficial, then your approach was not assertive.” 20:13“Getting through the divorce amicably, in a healthy, effective way, is simply more pleasant than fighting.” 21:24“If you transact primarily with your partner, you’re going to have problems.  It’s going to become an arrangement.” 26:12“If we think we are going to have a happy relationship, we must relate and not just transact.” 26:46“If a transactional approach is to accomplish something, a relational approach is to hold concern for my partner.” 28:06“Men naturally transact and women more naturally relate.” 31:59“Every interaction we have with people is some degree of intimacy.” 39:22“Sex addiction is not a problem with sex, it’s a problem with intimacy.” 44:46“If you don’t keep your emotional intimacy more developed than your physical intimacy, then there’s going to be problems because physical intimacy lends itself more to a transaction and emotional intimacy is more relating to each other.” 46:00“Hold off on the physical intimacy until we can develop more emotional intimacy.” 47:52“Sex is more effectively used by reflecting that intimacy rather than creating it, so if there’s a bond between two people, sex can only reflect that bond. Not create the bond.” 49:43“If you’re dealing with narcissism, I can’t change this person, but what I can change are the boundaries that I set, the boundaries that I keep, and I can work to become more assertive than passive.” 52:24“Self care means I’m going to benefit people around me every bit as much as I’m benefitting myself, that’s why it’s still part of other-focused.” 53:49“The protocol, in simple terms, is looking at the things that you want to accomplish, things that are going to make you a better person, the person that you want to be, and just tracking how much you’re doing these things versus the things that are drawing you away from that stuff.” 56:14“If you have a narcissistic partner, it really helps you take the focus off them and puts it back on taking care of yourself.” 1:01:12Guest Bio - Kevin's favorite parts of being a therapist are helping men get free of problem sexual behavior and helping people with their relationships. He's licensed as a marriage and family therapist and also opened a coaching practice for those who like a more-casual, less-fixed approach. He especially enjoys relationship coaching and recovery coaching.Show Notes -0:00 - Divorce Hacker Intro0:49 - Introducing Kevin Bergen1:15 - Effective Communication Tools for Couples10:52 - Solutions for Passive Aggressive Communication15:21 - How to Use the Interaction Dial with Your Clients22:29 - How to Avoid the Roommate Phase in Marriage34:51 - A Discussion on the Meaning of Intimacy43:58 - Overcoming Sex Addiction51:20 - How to Break Free From A Narcissist55:25 - The Bergen Protocol: How to Achieve Your Goals1:01:37 - Thank You & Divorce Hacker ClosingFor more about Ann Grant and Family Law Center of Southern California, please visit: https://www.famlawsc.com/Links & Where to Find Kevin -Clinical website: www.kevinbergen.comCoaching website: www.CourageousDecisions.comThe Bergen Protocol by Kevin Bergen