Confessions of an Indie Author Homeschool Mom | Ep. 3

🎧 Prefer to listen or watch?This week’s episode is raw. Messy. Unfiltered.And honestly? Very me.You can listen to the audio version of this episode here, or watch the full video on YouTube:👉 Watch on YouTube: Watch HereIf you’d rather read, the full transcript is below.Confessions of an Indie Author (Who Also Homeschools Full-Time)I have a lot to say this week.So consider this a word-vomit, heart-on-the-table kind of confession.I’m an indie author.I’m a mom.And more specifically—I’m a homeschool mom who does not get a single second to herself.Last week, I talked about books I think new writers should read when they’re getting started. And while I still stand by that, I also had a lot sitting in my chest that needed to come out.Because being a mom is one thing.Working a 9–5 is one thing.But being a mom who homeschools—who is with her kids constantly—can make it incredibly hard to feel human.For a long time, I didn’t know who I was anymore.Not even a little.I wasn’t “Ash.”I was just surviving.My kids are exactly two years apart—three days and twelve hours, to be precise. They’re close in age, wildly different, and somehow identical in their stubbornness. I joke that it’s their father’s fault… but let’s be honest. They’re mini versions of me.I lived in survival mode for years. And one day, I looked at my life and thought:Who am I? What do I do now?I had just stopped teaching. My kids were still too young to homeschool. I had no space, no breathing room, no sense of self.So I started reading again.I was a huge reader as a kid. Fantasy especially. Those books were a lifeline for me growing up. And reading led me back into fantasy, then romantasy, then dark romance.At some point, while reading the Crave series, I hit a moment where I thought:I would’ve written that differently.I sent a joking message to a friend. She said, “You should write a book.”I immediately said no.I had zero interest in being a writer. Zero knowledge. Zero confidence.But the idea didn’t leave.I started tinkering. Writing just to see. I sent her pages. She told me—again—that I should write a book.So I did.And for the first time in a long time, I had something that was mine.For years, nothing belonged to me—not my time, not my body, not my thoughts, not even my showers. If it wasn’t my kids, it was my husband. And I know so many moms understand this feeling:What am I, besides everyone else’s emotional landing pad?Writing became my escape. My world. My refuge.I wrote an entire book. It was… not good. Truly. But the book I’m writing now is built on that foundation—sharpened, refined, learned-through-fire.And it’s heavy.It deals with power, control, love as both strength and weakness, nature versus nurture—things I struggled with growing up.Ironically, I chose the worst genre for myself.Fantasy nearly broke me.Which is why this book will likely be a limited edition moment for me. After this, I’ll be shifting toward contemporary romance with darker edges. I still believe in softness. In love that is good and safe. That matters to me.And I think every indie author goes through this phase—thinking they want to write one thing, learning the craft, and realizing they don’t.The Productivity LieLet’s talk about the lie.My writing time does not look aesthetic.It looks like:* Writing in the bathtub on my phone* Sitting in the car waiting for co-op pickup* Voice notes whispered into the dark before bed* Five minutes at my laptop while someone asks for a snack for the tenth timeI am interrupted constantly.And even when my husband is home and trying to help, my mom brain never shuts off. If I hear a cry or a scream, my body reacts before my thoughts do.Add in a neurospicy brain and suddenly I’m researching something “for the book”… and then I’m doomscrolling… and then my brain is fried.Some days, homeschooling doesn’t go well. Some days, I sit at my computer and feel guilty for not being fully present with my kids. Other days, I resent the interruptions so much it physically hurts.You know that moment when the words are flowing and the scene is perfect—and then someone asks you to open a chip bag?And it’s gone.All of it.Laundry piles up. The house gets messy. And then the guilt comes back—because my husband works outside the home and supports this dream.I remind myself constantly:You’re human. You’re doing a lot. This is allowed.Because I can’t just be “mom.” That’s how moms disappear.Imposter Syndrome & FearImposter syndrome hits hardest when I disappear from my book for months.Am I even good enough?Am I actually going to finish this?Especially when I see friends publishing multiple books—friends without kids, without homeschooling, without the same constraints.I’ve invested thousands of dollars into editing, learning, tools, and courses. My biggest fear is that it all leads nowhere. That it never pays bills. That no one reads the book.And somehow… I’m also afraid of the opposite.That people will love it—and expect more in a genre I won’t be writing again.But I think that fear lives in every author.My Creative Process (and Why Save the Cat Doesn’t Work for Me)Save the Cat is a great book.But it is not for my brain.If I outline that deeply, my brain goes, Cool—we’re done now.My process is chaos:* Random notes* Voice memos* Scrivener pages filled with half-thoughts* Scattered ideas everywhereI know this process won’t work forever. It’s one of the reasons I’m leaving this genre behind—it demands too much structure for where I’m at right now.Not all writing advice works for everyone.Especially not for homeschooling moms with limited bandwidth.One book I will recommend forever: Shut Up and Write the Book by Jenna Moreci. It saved my sanity.Why I’m Still Doing ThisAfter everything I just said… why keep going?Because this is mine.Even if I only ever publish one book—it will exist. My kids will be able to say, “My mom wrote a book.”Writing used to be about money for me.Now it’s about identity.I don’t want to say “I’m just a mom.”I want to say, “I’m a writer.”And I want to find other writers—especially other moms and homeschool moms—who understand this life.Homeschooling can be isolating. Co-ops aren’t for everyone. Playdates don’t fill the gap. Finding even one author friend can change everything.So if you’re here—and this resonates—let’s build something in the comments.👉 What’s one thing you feel guilty about right now?👉 What’s one struggle you’re carrying as a parent and a creative?You’re not alone. We’re just not talking about it enough.I’ll be back next week. No idea what I’ll be talking about.Just real. Raw. Me.— Ash KairieUnfiltered. Unapologetic. Still Becoming the Indie Author. This is a public episode. If you would like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit ashkairieauthor.substack.com