Counteractive Change Vs. Transformational Change

In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler discuss two types of change – counteractive change and transformational change – and how each one impacts healing. They also consider honesty, manipulation, and lying; and warn listeners of the danger of a partner claiming that they'll never hurt you again.    TAKEAWAYS: [1:57] Defining counteractive change and transformational change.  [4:08] Early recovery almost always includes counteractive change.  [5:33] Honesty is a complicated request. [9:37] Reflective and dissociative lying are learned behaviors.  [11:49] Trusting your gut around lying patterns. [17:20] Lying to set boundaries and allow for self-preservation. [22:32] Is this lie going to hurt my relationship?  [24:40] Counteractive change does not lead to deeper healing.  [29:55] Your partner cannot always be the catalyst for your behavior.  [34:10] Threatening is about control, not about fostering relationships.  [37:28] Trusting your own intuition and getting your needs met. [41:40] How can I handle my betrayed partner's indignation and anger?  [47:05] How can I respond to my partner's promise to never hurt me again?  [53:18] How can I approach my extremely avoidant partner?  [56:07] My cheating partner was never going to tell me the truth. Now what?    RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: [email protected] Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.    QUOTES "All lying is manipulative in the sense that you're trying to manipulate the other person to think and feel a certain way."  "Trust your gut when you recognize a familiar pattern."  "Sometimes a person can change because they love someone else. Real transformative change happens because they love themselves."  "No relationship is healthy if it's filled with threats."  "Even if you could prove that acting out didn't occur, that's not the point. Your intuition is telling you that you have needs that aren't being met."  "You cannot make any choice in life without accepting a loss."