The West Coast Cowboy tour. If you want to see where I'm going to be, go to vjsonalis.com to see tour dates and where I'm going to be because I might be in your town. vjsonalis.com, do it, go now. 100%.
All it does is validate the break up. You think that's going to get us back together? You just made me go, oh my God, you're insane. Thank you.
Very, very, very times on video. And impression of the Chicago Cubs announced that the Will Ferrell used to do all that. Hi. Fuck, it goes over.
I'd be like, spy a ray of. I'd be like, shit, I gave up one. Hi. That's a keeper.
Liquid death. Hail seed. No. I don't have saying that all.
Jesus rocks. Welcome back. Welcome back. Welcome back.
Craig on it. What's happening? It's great to have you here, Craig. This guy's seeing steel with the fuck else you do.
Yeah, those are my shoes. Yeah, Vance. I can't find them anymore. I love them.
Yeah, I get a pair of not- Hamble Flash. That I bought like a decade ago and a couple of times I got dirty and I put them in a washing machine. And they're just great. And they're like black and silver Air Force One.
Look at the high top. I like everything old. I can't fuck this new shit, man. I got like sometimes I buy stuff and I don't get my money's worth.
That one? Yeah. Dude, like I think I wear them dead. I think I'll be like 80 and I'll be like, those shoes are sick because I don't get my casket.
I don't skate. I did skate. I skated it. And they're just like durable.
Because sometimes you get shoes and they just blow out and you're like, what the hell are those onions? Yeah, onions. That's what I call bad shoes. That's awesome.
I like that. I'm going to steal that. One of those onions. We call them Tuffly.
Tuffly? Tuffly? Look at their shoes. I think it's Russian for shoe-ish.
I got a thing with shoes, man. I got given these shoes. And I was like, I don't know. But then I went.
Dude, I lost my horse. Killer boots, man. I'm sorry, you lost your horse. Too death or too.
No, they took it away from me. You were beating it up? No. You lost your horse in a divorce?
Wow, there's your country song. I don't want to pound that out. Like, I lost my horse or I beat my horse. I'm not your brother.
No, I'm sorry. I was trying to make you feel better. That was the comfort. I can't reach you.
You go like this. I found that last night. I went, I found out, apparently there's a thing I don't want to get into. But somebody else was a pot owner.
And now they're mad at her. My ex and me. And I was like, well, I'm on my way there. So I hung out.
We went for a ride. And then I reached out to the person today. And they were like, no. Yeah, I'm sorry.
That's got wrenching. I'm like, that's like, he likes me the most. Well, that was what I was going to ask. Are you sure that this person has the horses best interest?
Yeah. I don't want it because I think that the reason this is happening. Do you get visitation rates? No, I'm being told that I'm not allowed to visit him, which is.
I feel like they're making this horse upon. I was going to say that sounds like some other shit. Whether if the horse likes you, let it let the man feed him some apple. Why don't you let the horse decide?
Why don't you stand on the opposite end of the field with sugar cubes? Dude, if we did that, I got no sugar. I guarantee you he comes over. Go down there to the field with that.
Go down with the boombox over your head. You're an animal guy, Craig. You understand? And horses, do you have a hangout with horses?
A little bit, not to your capacity, but a handful of times, ever in horses. Horses have a capacity of love that is 10 times a cat or a dog, because they're smarter. And they like really understand. Oh, you can feel their soul.
There's no doubt about it. My ex mother-in-law, which is still because she's my kid's mother-in-law. So I still think she's my mother-in-law. She took care of a dog of my ex-wife-at-hours when we were moving houses or whatever, and it just became their dog.
Sadie Pandy. I love Sadie Pandy. Every time that I would see her. She called me the other day to tell me, Sadie Pandy has canceled whatever, and we got to put her down.
She was like 15, 16. She had a good run. But she called me to tell me. And I was walking my horse out in the woods.
And I hung up the phone. And I said a little prayer for Sadie Pandy. And I got a little emotional. And 50, that's his name.
He put his chin on my shoulder. Yeah, he knew. He knew. And when I was close to him, I was like, what the?
Because he doesn't really do that. Well, you think I got four cats, bro. Whenever I'm sad, they just compare on me. And then I'm not so sad.
And they just go, and you're like, I'm happy now. And since they say that when they put it on you, it like heals your body. It does. And do you wake up in the morning with the money?
Oh, yeah. I got four cats on me littered on the bed. Just fuck me. Yeah, me too.
One right on my head. They sleep on me sometimes. It's hilarious. One of them tries to sit here, but stands up a lot.
And I'm watching a movie. And I'm like, look, I love you too. But I can't see anything. Like this.
No, I have this. I have this. I have nothing to look at. My first born, he'll bite the back of my hair.
And he'll start pulling it. He'll start pulling my hair in my sleep. I'm like, come on. He wants to play.
That's why I've always thought you're a good guy, because you're a proper animal person. There's people that have animals like Telly. He has an animal. He loves his dog, but he's not like, we're done with it.
And that's the other thing I can decide for where. Telly has an angle. He's kind of got a point. If you go, dude, you're out of your mind with animals.
I'm like an argue. I have saying him a song this morning. All the best ones are, I just wake up and just scratching their chin with their fish breath and be like, I love you. You have dogs?
No dogs. How do you feel about dogs? I love dogs. I started off with dogs and then I switched the cats.
Easier with your travel schedule. Yeah, traveling dogs are an impossibility. You need a wife. Or a manager.
I mean, yeah. Who lives at your house? It's too much. Yeah.
Yeah, or that. Do you know, I thought of you, I put theoretically my life on the line for my dog the other day, because of the fallout of the wildfires. In my very typical suburban central Los Angeles neighborhood, we had a close encounter with multiple coyotes. And you stood in front of them?
So I saw the one. First, I started going towards it, because I didn't realize I only was a coyote. I think it's a dog. I'm going into look, check the chain.
I go, this dog. I just tell the leash. Exactly. And I could just tell by the way, the ears were stitched.
I just thought I was like, yeah, that's a coyote. But he just stopped and had a distance. And I tried to move a little bit away. And he closed.
It was a distant distance. I don't want to die. But so I start fucking yelling. I'm like, you'll get the fuck away.
And I'm hoping one of the neighbors are going to come out with this. Fox a good word for animals. Yeah. They get it.
That's universal language. Like you go to Russia and be like, fuck you. And you'll get shot. It doesn't matter if they don't know what that fuck you just said.
Because they know what you just said. You know what I mean? So I picked him up. I picked him up.
Oh, right. Fuck you. Fuck you. So I because he's like a 20 pound dog.
And I used to know coyotes up in Hollywood Hills to be smaller. This was like German Shepherd size. And he had a friend, at least one friend. I could see around the corner.
Another said it. Oh, they rolled deep. And I know if there's two, there might be six. Yeah.
I'd be 10. She had more. So I mean, I'd pocket now. You need that bat.
Yeah. So I'm sort of. That's not a very convenient thing to walk around the pocket. No, no.
I'd stick with a KR on your head. So I picked him up and I yelled. And he was just sort of like, well, what are you going to do about it? And I'm thinking, how do I get to the nearest major intersection?
I know we'll back off because there's skiddish. And then speaking of Russians, a Russian guy drove up and Uber. And he's like, just pop in. Oh, Russian guys are a good thing.
I got a ride home. I don't know. I don't probably know if that would have happened. But I don't know.
I don't know how desperate that animal was. I looked it up later. They said males are most aggressive between January and March because that's when their babies are born. Oh, Google, very handy.
I haven't knifed with me at all times when I walk my whole thing. Let me see your knife. What you got? I have it now because my horse knows my horse anymore.
But he knows when there's bobcats. And I tell him, I'm like, dude, you're huge. Like, I mean, if you want to bail, I respect that. But if we stood out ground, I think we could take him.
And it's a pretty cool tale. Like I'm a comedian now. If I fight a bobcat and win with my horse, dude, that's like a special. Like I'm going to, I'll be like that.
Yeah, that's a good bit. Maybe just scare the bobcat off. Don't stab him. It's a cat.
Well, you look, I'm only, I'm not going to come at him. But if he comes at me, if you come at me, we'll tussle. If you come at my horse, I'm going to cut your head off. Yeah.
That's my boy. Yeah, but if he, you know, if he gets a leap on the back or something, I don't think it would, I think if we both go now, like, hey, nay. I think it's the same with everything. Sharks, all that stuff.
When you stand your ground, animals flinch that. They respect it. Same with crazy homeless people. Crazy homeless people.
One time a guy took a poopy in the parking lot and he was like, scaring ladies. And then I got out of my car and I was like, what's up? And then he was like, nothing. And he told normal.
Yeah. Because I'm faking it. I'm a good faker. Yeah, because crazy, recognize crazy.
Yeah. And then I got a coffee coupons and there was this homeless guy in a full schizophrenic fit just going, like, she went on air and then I go, hey, you want a free coffee and he stopped. He goes, yes. And then he took it and he said, thank you.
And then he went right back out. It's I don't want to say it's fake. I just want to say it's selective. Yeah.
Like my memory. Like I don't remember certain things. I gave other things that are cool. I'll never forget.
That's a funny story. It popped out. So those Maccafe coupons, they gave me like a shoe box full and my job is to hand them out. So me and my buddy just gave them to all the homeless people.
I was going to say, how do they know you didn't give them to exactly? And then we got in trouble because the homeless people ended up. Well, they came. No, they hung out outside McDonald's trying to sell the coupon.
It's resilient sitting there, everybody. And I was like, oh, fuck. And I feel bad about that. It's anyways, that's the whole story.
Wow. This gave a shoe box full of coffee to it. It's like a famous people. You're like, you got to give it to other people or you could just throw the whole thing in the trash.
I felt guilty about that. And in my head, I was like, oh, almost people. I'm doing a good thing. Technically people.
And then the volume I gave it to them and it was led them to hustle. And then pedaling. That's where they sold the money in it. And then I fell off.
I get a coffee. When you give them 20, they're like, I was waiting. One, you don't think about this shit. Controversial statement.
But if you're smart enough to think of that as a homeless guy, here's a smart enough. Yeah. Oh, harsh. That McDonald's probably still would give you an application if you ask for one.
Probably all the crack there. I feel like homeless people could like, he's homing around rich on something. Rich on something. Rich on something.
Yeah. Like, you know, I don't like, you're not very good at maybe looking at a people person. You got to feed them to Apple and some math. Like, straight exercise.
It's great exercise. You're laughing at me like I'm being me. I'm trying to look. Rich on is good on his work.
I'm laughing at the situation. I never looked at those guys and like, I don't know where ever the rich ons are Vietnam. Was there ever, yeah. Not here, but elsewhere.
What about those guys in San Diego that do the bike one? Right. Those guys are respectable. Those guys probably get laid sometimes.
I think they do. Yeah. Okay. So why don't we have, because I don't think it's a good idea to give a homeless guy a bicycle.
Look, I'll say whatever I want to. He's just going to sell it. Thank you. But if he has, if he has the rickshaw, all right.
But if we chain it to him. Yes. Yes. And then it immediately dispenses money.
So he knows he stays on there until it feeds him. And then if he wants to go get crack, is it crack? Oh, yeah. Okay.
So crack, is meth surpass? No, it's they're all going strong. This is this is America. Because I don't think America should give up on crack.
Yes. No. Maybe we went to that. Just once.
Yeah. Do you remember the circumstances under which you've been on? I know when I smoked meth, I got out the game and I got sober, maybe three to six months after that. I never, oh, I partake, but I.
My friends went further and I was holding on to the side of the pool. I give that analogy. We're swimming in the deep end. I was like, guys, guys, what are we doing here?
Me too. And I partake, but like, and then I was like, I'm out. Next day, it's more like, did I smoke crack? Yeah.
But did I wake up and go, let's get some more crack? No. No, I was like, look, she got heavy last night. I'm going to crack.
I need to reevaluate. I'm going to go to the gym, like clear my head. I got to go hug my mom. Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I'm sorry. Paramedicom crack has got to be for special occasions. Yeah. I can't be a good state truck.
I'm going to crack because my nose didn't work. This is not going to be. That's a special occasion. I couldn't sniff it so I smoke.
That was peer pressure. Somebody was like, you don't have to worry about it. We can make this. And I was like, what's this?
And I was like, free bait. This is all. This is banned. We're so banned.
I don't care anymore. Like, there's not money in this anyway. Well, this isn't, this is news. The president of Columbia said that he honestly believes cocaine should be legalized worldwide.
He said all of the violence. He said, well, he said it all of the violence that plagues both Colombians. This is an argument that many people have made that it's like, it's true. You decriminalize it.
Yeah. Okay. Right. Like the countries that produce coffee, people aren't getting shot in the street over coffee because if you just grow the coffee and you sell them and make money and have normal lives.
Was it in the country where they had their own coffee and that's why they did the monkey poo coffee? Yeah, I think that's Indonesia. Right. You know that?
And if you get poo coffee, it's like a... Delta Katessa. No, I was going to say that, but, I think that's the wrong word. No, it's not a higher grade of coffee, but it's not.
The reason it was invented is because they banned Indonesians from having their coffee. So they found the coffee that the monkeys pooed out because they'd poo out the beans. And they were like screw it, we'll just have that. then white man was like, wait a minute, what are you doing with the monkey poo beans?
And they were like, oh, it's a special, it's even special, dumbasses, and then people paid extra for monkey poo beans. Right, Michael? It's about right, yeah. I know stuff, I'm educated.
I mean, I know a guy that's educated. I don't wanna try this monkey poo coffee. I've had it. It's remarkably similar to coffee.
So I think it was the Dutch. The Dutch too, right? The Dutch, I don't know about that. The Dutch discovered that the Indonesians were going coffee and they're like, that's so good, we're going to take all of it and we'll kill you guys if you drink anymore of it.
Not like, hey, we'll grow some too, but you guys of course have coffee while you work. It'll only enable you to grow that much more coffee. So yeah, so the loophole was if these, they're not exactly monkeys, they're called like verpets or those damn Dutch. Murmets or something.
Yeah, see, but it's not an empire. They don't know. People forget about it. Exactly.
Ravaging. Super evil, the world over. Yeah. And yeah, and they were like, okay, the ones of those guys shut out, we would, we don't really want that one.
And so yeah, I went to some coffee plantation where you could try this kind of that kind. And like the finishing course was the monkey poo one. It's a lot of me. But with everybody just pulling up and being like, give me your shit, it will murder everyone.
It will be nice to the world. But there's, I feel like there's a certain amount of like, you push me to the point where, what's that somewhere I'm about to break? One step closer to the edge. One step closer to the edge.
I'm about to break. I'm like, I'm like, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Yeah.
Yeah. Yeah. Chester Bennington, he was killed. He was about to kill some stuff.
I don't leave that. Yeah. That's the same as the sound guy guy that we're like. Yeah.
I was trying to. Oh, just three people that were molested. They were talking about powerful people of molesting them and going to investigate that shit. All died at the same time.
The same way. Yeah. Chester Bennington, they all were raped and molested by pedophile elites. Then they're about to talk about it and they all fucking died.
I'm like, OK, I'll just molested. A little bit. Yeah. I don't fucking talk to you.
I was molested a bunch of times, too. I actually figured out a new one that I didn't even know about like a week ago. I didn't want that bad. Yeah, it happens, bro.
It was like 16. It hasn't been molested. It's a well-rounded person that isn't all fucked up with lots of animals. If you can keep going, it's a good thing.
Because in the end, you become that much tougher and more understanding to the world around you. And you've used all these abilities to stay alive. And then those abilities can later on be superpowers. That's right.
I agree. Like now, I think. Rose that rose from concrete, baby, to park that shit. What?
When you get molested and you come out, no. Yeah. You never got that analogy? I think that was the working title of that song.
Yeah. That's your new song. Phoenix rises from the ashes. You never heard that shit?
I heard that one, but not that molested turns into it. I made that one up right now for you. That's a custom. Thank you.
What did I say? It was good. It got me going. Phoenix dies in Greek mythology because of molestation.
Yeah. But it's really worth, guys. You guys are combining all three of these analogies. I'm just saying from the muck rose a pretty thing.
The diamond ferments. Yeah. Under pressure. Yeah.
So it is oyster and the end. There you go. There you go. But fuck your McGee over here.
That's what's up. Rub it two sticks together, but gay. Yeah. What did I say?
Wait, wait, wait. I all I have is molested, which is a weird way to say that. I know I wanted to. But it's softens the blow.
Mow less. Did over there. Oh, we got a little bit more southern chart. That way.
Yeah. One. Great. You're going to Australia, isn't it?
Hell yeah. I'm going to Australia. Same time. No.
Actually, I don't because nobody would go to. Yeah. Brisbane. Why not?
You're Australian. I don't think it works like that. They don't like you down there. I don't know.
I'm not from there anymore. I'm from America. You still got it. It's not thick.
Wait till you go there and then you'll be like, oh, I'm quite thought about your thing. I'm not going to go. What? Oh, fuck.
Are you saying? You're going to be hooking up with chicks. I'm like, oh, great. I'm going to be dumb.
That's what they're talking about. They're all me tits. They're all me tits. What are you wearing?
And Craig pretty good. All right. You do that. Oh, man.
I'll hang with the kangaroos. That's how it sounds. It tells a junk you're funny, Scott. They're going to love you.
I know. It's crazy. I've been selling out everything. This is my first time.
Wait, you sold that already? Almost all of them. They keep adding late shows, second shows, bigger theaters. I moved to bigger venues.
They added a thousand seats theater after I sold out theater. Yeah. Yeah. So go to that.
We sold out. Anyways, the thousandth theater was just added and it made me a little nervous. I was like, why don't you do that one first? So good, dude.
Brisbane Perth, Sydney, Auckland. I got a New Zealand. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Doing the whole...
Yeah, I'm not. I'm going. Yeah. He's gone.
Yeah, I don't know about selling out or anything, but I'm going there. Yeah, well, speaking into existence. Yeah, I think it's only a matter of time. What do you expect from Australia?
I feel like over the years we found that people from America have very unrealistic expectations of what Australia is really like. I mean, I only know Australian tourists that go to the comedy store and I'm scared. Okay. They're fucking nutty.
In a good way, though. Well, I don't really party like that. They get down. We got to take it into a can that they're at the comedy store there on vacation.
That's true. We got to take customers that are there at the beginning of the show to the end of the show and are still enjoying a four hour show. Yeah, we're supposed to. Yeah, like, it'll be, you'd be like, aren't you tired?
You know, like, I'm tired. And yeah, later in the show, obviously, this is my charter for Santa, but it's where the diamonds are made, where the molested gems are found, the comedy equivalent of molestation. The old Ruby Booty Roba. Yeah, Ruby.
I don't know. Ruby Booty. That's my new name. Ruby Booty.
I said booty, but yeah. Ruby Booty Rhymes better. Ruby Booty. Okay.
is tone perfectly. Hey, what's up honky-tonk people text you're too. Thank you. I got smooth Js boys.
You're a pretty good man. I'm not big who said that. All right. I'm a little big.
I'm sorry. I'm working on myself. I couldn't help. I went out to greet you and I saw you were rocking out in the car.
Yeah, I was praying the fucking Jesus bitch. Hell yeah. Is it Jesus? You pray to hell?
Yeah. Not just God, a high power. Both. I think of it like as the Omni God and then that like I just the original the all for the Omega the creator.
All right. Yeah. And then underneath them is like Jesus and Tupac and I pray to those those mofos. Pray into Tupac and and San Miguel.
He had a Archangel Michael. Is it true that there was a Bible thing like Danzig wrote like an early Bible, you know, Glenn Danzig? Yeah. Where Jesus was younger and he was in a running race and the guy beat him and he made the dude drop dead.
I don't know. I think so. Yeah. I don't think so.
That's true. Sorry. Probably. There was.
There was a resident. So yeah, like there was no, you know, they decided later what was official Bible and what was unofficial Bible and there was certain reasons why they decided certain books were written later on or from further out to where they're like, how the hell would you know? But there was also a little bit of, hey, we've been doing this for 200 years and we've kind of settled on an idea what Jesus is and that doesn't really jive with Jesus. We've come to understand him.
So let's just cut that one out. So they were like, there were like 10 gospels and they cut him down to four. None of the people who wrote them ever met Jesus, even the ones that survived. Is it true that Jesus was Fraser prostitutes?
Yes. Do you think he had sexual relations with the prostitute? I would assume so. Because I was thinking he's all loving all forgiving.
Go with his hands. I'm like single now and I'm trying to like, I'm like, don't don't just try to jump into stuff. Like that was the next my next step is like I do I game recognize game. I do it every time.
It's so hard. I fall in love so fast. It's good. I've got a love addiction.
Yeah. So I've cut the sex addiction and then I got a love addiction. So I got to watch that because now I don't know what happened. Maybe sober.
I don't know what's going on. But I get people are sliding into the DMS. It's always where I'm like, oh, I love you. And I'm like, Jason, no, you don't.
You don't know them back off. So I'm like, maybe I could just like meet some people and if the sexual relations happen, they happen. But then I was like, what would Jesus do? Because I listen to God talking to me a lot.
Like sometimes he gives me great advice. And I'm like, oh, thank you. I need to write that. That was a very important.
And then sometimes he gives me gifts. Like I've always wanted to like sleep with weight lifting ladies and then I wait for ladies leading to my DMS. And then funny how that happens. What is that?
It's we're fucking I swear I'll think of some shit and then boom. I'm like, is that God or the devil? Which one is this? God send me a word.
Because I'll just think of some shit and then a big booty dimple booty, you know, and hit the other side. I'm trying to be a good man. Yeah. But that was I was thinking like, did Jesus have sex?
Because if you didn't have sex, I was not that sex. It's just not. I was like, no, Jesus. But then I thought Jesus probably had sex and they just got that out.
Oh, yeah. Yeah. I believe he had a wife and family. And he was, I think it's all about union and and keeping the family nucleus together.
I'm not good at that. I'm not. And I've broken everything. And, but yeah, I believe in that.
But it's really fucking hard, especially hard and hard line of work. People don't understand. We're so charming. Yeah.
We're comedians and you do like eight thousand things. And I never understood it, but until you experience it, they're just like, Hey, what's up? Want to see my cheat cheese? And I'm like, yeah.
Yes, I also think that God made my penis and my penis is one of the better penis on the planet. And I was in the gay community for a little bit. I've seen Dix. I'm ranked very high.
And I'm like, if he made that for me, what is that not a part of the world? Isn't that for the world? I'm supposed to show everybody that. I don't know.
Maybe maybe the devil made my penis. Maybe I have an evil penis. There's a song about that. Yeah, you're supposed to like hold in your semen and do tantric shit.
It was hot and all that. No, that's what that tantric shit in the ancient religions, Hindu shit. You orgasm, but there's a way I've never done it in my life, but there's a way to orgasm, but keep it in. I've done that.
And you're questioning me and he's done it. I haven't even done it. And I know what I'm. I'm talking about sort of spiritual, or cosmic shit retaining it and keeping your energy and distributing it through your life.
You go orgasm for like fucking hours on that shit. One time I just said, I don't understand it because I do the old school way. But I'm sure. Good one, bro.
Yeah. I wish. I got circumcised at 20 years old, and I take a while. It's kind of annoying.
Let's talk about that because I'm not circumcised. I should have kept it. A lot of people say it's in your stand up, shut up. Good story.
I've people have said to me before, especially when my son was born, they're like, you're in a circumstance. I was like, no. And they're like, aren't you worried about infections or whatever? And I was like, I've got the same thing and nothing ever happened in my penis.
It's all a lie in a minute. It's some weird shit. Pretty weird one to cut off. Because they originally bit it off with just a cut.
Oh, I know. Suck the blood out of it. Well, and consider it's fucked up in this day and age. Consider a world in which infant mortality was incredibly high as it was.
I don't think it was their pecker. No, no, no, but adding that adding that element. Add that element. And also you had primitive surgical stuff.
Like how many was infant mortality that I was all just bullied out when you chopped part of their dick off. That's what I'm saying. Maybe they fucking died because you're chopping their dick off and they don't have the proper tools, cleaning instruments, etc. I'm saying if you're born with a little bit of a weak immune system and then somebody chops off a piece of your wiener and then you got to use more immune system to heal that.