Hey mommies, we updated our channel, Memberships. For $5 a month, you get updated badges, new emojis, No ads on YMH and Two Bears. And you get early access to both YMH and Two Bears. For just $10 a month, you get Early access and No ads on all shows.
And for $20 a month, you get all of both tiers. And proof that you're not a fat poor. Click the Join button on our YouTube homepage or right above the description of any one of our episodes. What are you waiting for?
Join today. A large part of his body weight is the stick. This is who you dated? And then they're like, yeah, and you're like, my mommies guys.
This is the level I'm at. Like if my dick would get anywhere substantially in her mouth, my belly button would just stop from blowing me deep. 100%. Welcome to the program.
Thankfully, my co-host is undergoing a triple bypass again. And in his place, very excited to have here a comedian who I've enjoyed for so, so long, so funny. And his special Dog Belly is available now on YouTube. Please welcome Big J.
Ocherson, everybody. What's up, Ed? You congratulations. Oh, thank you.
On the special, I'm very excited to watch it. Where did you shoot, first of all? We did at our festival, Skankfest. Skankfest.
Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then Ari, Ari, you should fear, man. He jumped in there and like, right down to setting up chairs. Oh, really?
At the actual show, yeah. He was just no bigger like, like, like, real supporter of comedy and comedians than Ari, I think. Oh, yeah. You know?
No, he dives in. Like for somebody that has such an ugly side to him, both internally and externally, he also has this like really warm warmth to him about comedy and comedians. Oh, yeah. Yeah.
Tell us how major is it to people who take to Ari too for being like childless as he is? 20, but he could do no wrong. Yeah. There's a new, you know, smash piece on YouTube that was like, Ari, you should fear the evilest man in comedy.
Really? My daughter watched him. She was like, seems like if you're not Bobby Lee, he's fine. Then he put shit on Bobby's car.
He decorated it. He decorated it. He decorated it in his actual shit in the door handles. Yeah, that's like the that's the evil part, you know?
But I do love like, Ari's also got a willingness to leave like a grenade of humor and forget about it completely and like walk away. That's what's interesting because, you know, the Bobby Lee thing, what Bobby realized was like, oh my God, there's shit over my car and in the handles. I got to like figure something out to get into the car with the handles and then forget the story. I forget if it was raining out, whatever the situation was, he was like, well, I got to get something off my windshield.
And when he turns windshield wipers on, he goes, Ari had packed the windshield wipers with shit. So just smeared shit across his windshield. Dude, this is the part of it that, you know, you almost have to celebrate. That's the evil scientist of it all because most people, if they were going to go, I'm going to put shit on someone's car.
They would just be like, all right, like just put it in one place. It's a pile of shit. Yeah, but shit on the hood of your car or something. And then you go like, oh my God.
And then you get it off. So everyone's hand goes into the hand. So I'll smeared some shit in there and then yeah, like we're going to smock in a berry. Yeah.
And then like if you put it on the windshield wipers, it's like that could not rain for a while and then she'll just be like stuck in there. And then when you turn up, but it happened to rain like that day, it's pretty ingenious. He got one of his things is I remember he's at my house one day and he asked if he could use my computer when I went outside to smoke a cigarette. I was like, sure, he's got some work to do or something.
Yeah, absolutely. And then I go about my day. I remember dropping my daughter back off to her mom and I got a call from my producer from bonfire on the serious Jacob and he was panicking and he goes, I'm trying to get a hold of you for hours. And I'm like, what is it buddy?
And he goes, what's going on? He was like Comedy Central Radio. You know, I was like, I got an email that was like, don't answer the phone if Comedy Central calls. It looks like we're getting fired.
Like I messed up big, hang in there and I'm like, what? I go, who sent that email? He goes, you did. And then before I could even say what?
It was almost like a dream bubble appears and I just saw Rgo. Can I use your computer really quickly? And then I go and I called Rgo and I went and joined. I go, Riet hit.
And he's like, why do you go? The thing is in the Jacob music. Oh yeah. Like, you don't even care about the rewards for it.
That thing from a few months back? No, the thing you did today. Yeah. Oh, right.
I forgot I started chaos earlier. That is like the Joker. That is like total. I enjoy chaos.
Your chaos. Your chaos. Yeah. Which is great.
What is that thing that they like, you know, they, um, they'll do that chart sometimes where it's like evil chaos, you know, like, they will chaotic or whatever. And then like, what is that? And then they'll do like for, yeah, there it is, right? Lawful, good, neutral, good chaotic good.
And then sometimes they make this start with like our, our comedian friends and them. Oh, yeah. Which one's which? Yeah.
Like who's who? And then, um, yeah, they always feel like always on the evil line. He's certainly, he's one of the, he's certainly never in the middle. No, no, no.
He's never on the good. Yeah. How's your friendship with Ari? No one goes uneventful.
Yeah. There's that Diaz is always on there somewhere too. And then Bert's probably always in the good. Yeah.
Yeah. I think he's a chaotic good. He's a very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very, very unusual, like, personality, where he's like, fun, fun, fun, and you expect it like, where's the, like, people who like that much fun. The darkness is somewhere.
Yeah. The darkness really isn't like, yeah, there's no real darkness there. Yeah. But to Bert, we're talking about, we're talking about how it must be so nice and liberating to have zero body shame.
Yeah. And then you also realize a big part of that is delusion. He's actually delusional, right? Because he even was saying he was like, he goes, I grew up in shapes.
So he goes, I think I'm in shape now. He always sees that. Yeah. He's like, he's like, he's like, you know how people go, you're too hard on yourself, right?
And they'll tell you, like, if you say something critical of yourself, whether it's about your stand up or whatever, yourself as a father or your body, right? They'll go, like, if you go like, I fucking suck or I look like shit, they're like, would you talk to your friend like that? Like, someone you care about? And you're like, no, I would speak to them differently.
And they go, that's how you speak to yourself, right? That's always the thing is like, speak to yourself in a way that you would talk to somebody else who was shaming themselves. And you're like, okay, okay. And then he is the, he's just like, I look great.
I'm doing phenomenal. He's like, I'm jacked. What I mean, there was an article written about him. And I called him up because I read the article and I go, I go, I go, hurt.
There's a quote in here from you where it says, and that, like, it goes, Christ, then says, I'm a fantastic comedian. Like, you actually said that in an interview? He was like, I am. And I was like, yeah, but you let other people say that.
You don't say I'm a fantastic. I'm really good at this. That is like, that's really. He's also so sweet.
It doesn't put like a target on his neck. No, it doesn't. It doesn't. There's a lot of people that would be, you know, oh, we know a bunch of people who would be like, fuck this cunt.
It's always weird when you compliment yourself, right. He walks in here and he goes, I'm fucking m jacked. This is what Bert says about his body. Like, I wear it.
He's like, look at my shoulder. I'm like, so yoked. I also think it's funny that he's got like a, a girl's gone wild, like, hair line trigger of pulling is like, showing his body. Yeah.
We went to the, uh, Super Bowl thing. They were like, Hey, would you guys mind this, like, quick little red carpet? Like the guy Fieri party or something? Yeah.
Yeah, it was like, yeah. It was like, right here, right here. He's just like, which, it just shows his titties and then moves on. Yeah.
My nightmare is that a little of my shirt might be up and you see like a fat gut coming out of the bar. Yeah, well, like that's because we're supposed to feel about yourself. You're supposed to be like horrified. Full of shame.
At what you have. Yeah, I mean, like, and he will do that thing where he goes, do what I do. Right? So he'll be like, take your shirt.
And you're like, no. And he's like, why not? I'm like, because I don't want to. He's like, I have shame.
He's like, I don't feel any shame. I was great. I told someone that last time I was starting with Kevin Hart and comedy. Yeah.
And we would go around. Yeah, this is so fascinating. Like, younger. And do like shows or like little college things or something.
Yeah. You know, it's because confidence. You have like, girls back in the hotel room. And I just remember the time he was like, he's like, damn you don't show my dick.
So I was like, gotcha. Hey, Kev. I dare you to show your dick. And he's like, OK.
And he's pulls out like it's a large part of his body weight is this dick. And like he, and then I get almost burnt like, I remember. Because I didn't ask for me. So he sticks out and then these girls were like, oh, wow.
And then he goes, go, see us. Yeah, yeah. He goes, JI dare you to play here to get it. No, don't do that dude.
No, don't do that dude. What's so funny about that story, when I told last night I didn't want to, it wasn't the point of the story so I moved past it a bit, but that night it was a real pretty girl. Three black girls, one very pretty. The other two were like, look like TSA, prison guards or something.
It was like, they had cornrows, but like five, like two, and then like one down, like it was not a good look. And then I think like, I think like, TSA. Why is it like such a popular job in the black community? Like I feel like every TSA agent is a black lady who's like, sorry.
And they found out, they found out how to like make that uniform. We can't wait that belt through here. Okay. Oh, I remember having a one time, they were swabbing my Xbox for bomb materials.
And she was like, she was talking to another TSA guy with like dreadlocks. And she was like, man, she was my girlfriend, she doesn't call me yet. She had to go suck some guys dick in the bathroom last night. But she just a whore.
And she's like, here you go, sir. Because I'm residue free. Welcome to America. It's but they have found a way to work that uniform though.
And that belt tight on those small ways. But they're just unpleasant. They're so unpleasant. And while you're staring at their bodacious bodies, but I film them one time.
Really? Well, one time I go through and I was, I was fired up that day. And somebody told me, I don't know, probably something they're supposed to tell me, but I was like, go fuck it. I was just like not having it.
And so I walk through, because like there's, it's very like, you know, it's not consistent. I feel like, there's not, there's not, that's a part that's like very upsetting sometimes is like, you can't bring that backpack through. I go, I fly with this every week. I don't care if you fly with every week.
And I'm like, it's definitely okay to put this through. And like, okay. So, you know, we're having our back and forth. Like, oh, it's going through the machine.
Go, you check it out, right? And then I walk through and I see like six of them get in a huddle and just start conversing like about their day, right? And I'm watching people like go through security. So I just pull out my phone.
I'm like, here's America's finest, you know, doing their best right now. Protecting our borders. Yeah. And I'm just like filming them.
And I'm watching people like, you know, walk through, grab, I'm like, no one's getting checked here. Right? And as I'm filming one, it goes, sir. And I go, yeah, she goes, please don't film us.
Okay, you can't film us. Like, I can't, I think I can. And I just kind of did that for, I don't know, a few seconds. And I was like, you're not going to take this phone, you know?
And I'm not going to delete the video. So whatever, I turn it off and then I grab my shit and I go, you know, it just was like, it was my version of being like, hey, fuck you for being a, you know, the TSA get me fired. The people who eat all my airport shit now, because they're void of all authority, though you think they do, is the keep it moving when you're getting picked up from the airport. Oh, yeah.
Oh, yeah. I am so quick to be like, fuck off. Yeah. Go to someone who goes, I can't, I'm going to put a suitcase and a trunk.
And you still like have that like, come on, let's go. Yeah. Like this isn't that thing. I can't move any faster than I move.
And there's, you can't do any fast, and then they'll say it like, yeah, like as you're walking to the door to get in, okay, keep it moving. Yeah. Right. But this is how leaving the airport works every time.
It's, yeah, they're super, I mean, I always, I feel like it sways how excited they get for doing that. Like sometimes they're really fired up. Oh, yeah. LAX for a while was just fucking wild.
Like you pull up and you pull up to, and someone's walking out and they're like, you got to go, I'm like, this is the person I'm picking up right now. Like they just get so fired up about it. I have most of my life with police and stuff like that. I've always been like, something's illegal with me.
Like I have a suspended license that I haven't paid or tickets or a warrant for dumb shit, nothing like, you know, criminal, but like just shit that I was getting trouble. So I always, so I mean, so many, and also cops have never treated me super nice. I think because of the way I look or whatever and tattoos. So since I was a teenager, I just always kind of got that.
A treasure from them? Yeah. And then man, once I realized I had nothing like, it really is fun to mouth off the cops when they're really not so much they can do it. You know what I mean?
I do look, I've really gotten, the most white thing about me is how I will talk to cops now. I'm like, you guys fucking suck at your job. And they really can't do much about it. Get out of here because there's no reason I have to get out of here, but you fucking suck.
Yeah, that feels good. It really does feel good because it's just like, I always, I do respect the idea of police so much. Sure. And they are a necessity.
Of course. And there has to be police out there who are really like, you know, they can't sleep because of the case they're on. Yeah, but the day to day throw on like the blue uniform and like stand at the end of a block and New York waiting for cyclists to go through red lights. Yeah, it's slow.
Get toted like we call it quotas for tickets. It's like it's so lame. Yeah, it is lame. Is this why you wanted to do this?
Yeah, it's awful. Yeah, this is, you really have nothing better to do. Like when people say that to cops. I was like, that's not what you're saying earlier about how fun it is watching Black people watch magic.
Yeah, Black people watching another person deal with police officers is also really fun. That's a good one. They come to the aid of the person getting fuck with no matter what they're happening. It didn't even do it often.
It happened to me at the airport one time where I, I, it's like speaking of privilege. Like I was a, I was a, behind a Black dude and a TSA person was like really like a fucking bitch to me that I got in the wrong line. And she was, she was like straight up. I thought she was, I mean, she was just clearly she was trying to embarrass me in front of people.
She was like, does this say, are you in first class? And I go, I just upgraded. Cause I went to a desk and they go, do you want to upgrade? And I said, yes, and I paid for the upgrade.
She's like, this doesn't say first class. Can you not read your ticket? It was like one of those things. And I was like, can you not read your ticket?
I was like, can you not read your ticket? I was like, I'm just like, and as soon as she said that, I just like my heart rate just spiked. And I was like, okay. And then she let me go through.
And the guy, the guy had heard how she, how she spoke to me, the Black dude. And now we're putting her stuff cause she was one who checks it like at the first line. And then you go to the machines, right? Sure.
And I put it on the machine and I'm just like, the fucking cunt. And he was like, yeah, just, he was like, he was like, just, you know, that wasn't, that wasn't cool. But like, just, you know, like, be cool. Yeah.
You know, like, you know, you're almost through here. I go, no, fuck that bitch. He's like, you don't want to do that. And I go watch this.
And then I go, are you the supervisor? And he was like, he turned around. He was like, you're like, he was looking at me. Like, you're going to get in trouble.
And I was like, no, I'm not. And I go, hey, that fucking pig over there can't talk to him. And the lady goes, excuse me? And then I just, you know, I just made it loud.
And like, and I was, I was extra grotesque and disrespectful in the way that I spoke. I go, if you put a pig in the front of the line to check people that talks to people, and I did this whole thing. And this guy was like, you know, like, I can't believe you're speaking like this. And I was just like venting about the way that she did.
And then I explained to the lady, the supervisor was like, shouldn't, shouldn't have spoken to you like that, but you don't need to call her a pig. And I was like, I go, well, she doesn't need to act like a pig, does she? And so, and then he just looked back at me like, he was like, see you later, man. Like you're on your own.
Yeah, he goes, I can argue with TSA and why do you on the moon? Yeah. Yeah. I, I, I had to have a heart stick though.
But that had been funny though, if you also that was the bonding moment between your TSA just can you not read your ticket? And you go, can you not read my ticket? And she goes, hey, let's work together. I'm sorry.
I can't have a heart stick to monster. Yeah. So the three girls, that's where we were at. The girls were in there, you know, and ended up working out for him with the one.
So he goes, these are days of sharing hotel room. Yeah. Wasn't even a question. So it's like it's a huge dick.
His dick's in order and he goes in the bathroom with one of the girls. And then this, it was making the other two horny for sure, hearing them because it was the noises of, I thought maybe murder, but it was, I just never heard those noises before. I've never hit that spot that makes those noises like us. But this girl was just getting power railed.
And I was, I tell you how long ago it was. The Matrix had just come on HBO. It was running, I saw it in the theater. I remember being annoyed by the Matrix movie.
I enjoyed the movie, but I was so annoyed that every person who like, obviously there were a philosopher was like, makes you think, doesn't it? Yeah, yeah, yeah. And then really like, maybe that's what we're in. I don't think so.
But man, those girls were like, what do you want to do? You're like, oh, oh God. And they're like, what do you want to do? And I was like, have you seen this yet?
It makes you think. I'm like, could we, is this even, maybe this isn't even all, maybe they're even fucking in there. There's just two robots smashing into each other. Holy shit.
How, do you guys link up, you and Kev, just by doing local spots? How, when we first became friends? Yeah, yeah, I started. It was weird.
Such a cool group of three to become friendly. It was, I started that week after I started, my first of my, I met Matt Skirker at Matt Skir. And then like two weeks after that, Kev started. You guys would just drive around and do.
Yeah, but I mean, what, like, it's so amazing when you see that thing in somebody, though he's very like, so impressed with Kevin when he did. When we were like, brand new, instead of a person that's a birt, we had a similar thing in that regard. In that, like when we started, I remember I picked one to go play basketball. And this is like, what we're doing.
If not, at most 15 minute spots, maybe on some black shows or something, before we go to the rec center, he took me to the post office real quick. He said to me, he'll envelope with a VHS tape in it and a shitty head shot. That's not really even a head shot. With a fake, not a red, but you know, a two line resume or something.
I'm sending off to this person, the college promoter and this person. And just those things where I was like, and I was like, every level up I had in comedy at all. Like, I mean, from like going from like hosting to featuring the head was someone else telling me, it was like time to do that. Yeah.
Yeah. It was never like, why am I not a headline? When they were like, you know, I want you to open for any of these people because why don't you just like coming in a headline? 45 minutes alone.
Yeah. Yeah. Yeah. Who's going to come watch that?
Like I've never, so it's very interesting to watch that. Like I do remember meeting Kevin early on a couple times where I was like, man, this guy's charisma is wild because when he, one of the first times I met him, I remember him going like, like, hey, Kev, I'm Tom's here, he goes, oh man. And the way he looked at me, he goes, yeah, man, a lot of people saying like, a lot of great things about you and nobody was, right? That's the one he met me.
And but like, he made, he made me go, in my head, I go, I wanted to say, hey, you're lying. Like, yeah. But also I was like, he did the thing, he did it in a way that like a politician, where you go, that feels good to get that person's attention. Sure.
And he just locked in and made you feel like in that moment that you're the only person that matters. Yeah. And I was like, oh, that's like a movie star quality. Yeah.
That's like a star quality. No, it is. I had to get, it took years for me to just kind of get to a point where I was just like, that point I'm like, go get it dude. Like kill it.
Like none of these things were things I was looking to do. Yeah. And you know what I mean? I don't want to go, I remember we were young, it was like, you know what's up?
I got to go to Bulgaria, you should have moved for two months. And you're like, okay. Yeah. That seems like a weird world.
Like I also don't want to do that. Right. So it's like, but yeah, he, I mean, say my ass many times because again, like as far as like the shadow cast, like when me Kurt Metzger and him went to New York and Keith Robinson kind of brought us up there, it was fun. Like, I mean, how fast they were like, look at you little guy and non-threatening and funny and charismatic, like get in here.
And then they almost like put a hand on me and Kurt chest. Like we've got a zillion of you. Yeah. Yeah.
So yeah, it's like, just you'll be on it two o'clock in the morning. Like get in here, you. Yeah. Yeah.
It's actually is a great video. Maya de Giorgio took years ago. Patrice's, I think it's Patrice's Rose. It might be a Barry Katz Rose, but the Boston comedy club New York.
And we are young, young in comedy. And it's a Patrice, Rich Voss is like still smoking cigarettes and everything, Jim Florentine's out there and everyone's in the circle. And it's Kev in the middle of the circle, brand new comic. And Patrice and him are like John back and forth and busting balls with Keith Robinson.
And it's going back and he goes, Patrice goes, Kev thinks he's so in, like he's got so much confidence. He's so in that he thought he can endorse and he just points to me in the very background. It's me and Kurt Metzger, just boyish face. He goes, that's why he thinks he can endorse Jay and quit in Tarantino face over.
He's still messing with me. That's also the time when he would influence me with the back, like they know we are. Yeah, that's so cool. But he was like right in the mix, man.
I never like, God bless him. That's an interesting, very cool thing to watch. Like he just has that like just move forward thing. Because also the things that happened to him, like the successes obviously are unbelievable, but like he had to get through some weird failures that would have crushed me, especially because I would have thought like I got pushed too forward.
Yeah. And now it's like I'm exposed. Like I can't carry a thing because he had like, I remember when we were still talking like relatively often is when he got that, he did a sitcom. It was like a reverse Fresh Prince of Bel Air.
Yeah. It was like a rich kid moving back with his like poor family in Philly. Six episodes gone. I don't even remember him like lamenting it in any kind of way.
Just moved on. Like I got a little bit part in this movie and they give me a little thing in a 40 year old virgin. Yeah. And it just kept going for him.
He never like stopped. Me too would be like, I'm done. I would be like, wow, I just had that moment. And that happens to people.
I mean, there's like so many comics that I don't think are even working today who at one point had a sitcom that was just their last name. I feel, yeah. They had like a some run of a sitcom that was their name. Wow.
I never even. I don't know. I don't know. I get a big house.
I remember, I feel like I saw a clip of, I don't know if you guys were, I think you guys were on a show radio show together in the like in the more recent, like I was saying the last five years or something. Me Kev. Yeah. Does that make sense?
Well, or maybe it was them telling Kev about you saying this that you had said, I would bet that there's no way Kevin knows what pyrotechnics means. Oh yeah. And he goes, that's true. That's true.
Yeah. Yeah. Because they're like, you have pyrotechnics on your arena shows. Yeah.
I'm just so annoyed. I don't know. I don't know. Yeah.
I remember that those when they would him and Keith would like turn on me in the car just to keep us all awake, to drive back to Philly. We were going from Philly to New York back to Philly every night. And they would just start like a, and they would just catch me. They would just get me.
They just knew I'd like, ride on me up. Yeah. And I remember the one thing was like, the word was misogynist. And I was like, is there's two black guys in the front of the car on the back?
Like, you don't even know what that means, Kev. Misogynist. And he's like, yeah, I do. I'm like, what does it mean?
He goes, you mean you're a bitch? He's never stuck to land in other black people, starting laughing and throwing their arms up. And you're like, I'm gonna make fun of you for like, I'm, no, I know words, you give me shit. You're like, how am I the asshole here?
I'm Jay. I know words. He got me, he was a good friend. And one thing when I was a, I had a long term girlfriend when I met him, first met, and she dumped me hard.
Just started like fucking somebody else. And Kev was like watching that. And I was such an embarrassing moment of like, we're driving to New York in my shitty car, one point, and she calls up. And she was like, it was like the fifth time that she was doing like, I think I made a mistake.
out tomorrow and maybe talk or everything. She said I was just like whatever whatever we'll get you but probably it's just one of those funny moments that I think we all have. I used to talk constantly about breaking up with her. Yeah.
I'm like yeah she's kind of dumb and like I think it was just like the my local girlfriend I've had forever I'm kind of experiencing life a little more now. We gotta break up and then she was like I'm fucking somebody else. I was like no please never leave me. Yeah.
And I remember Cab was kind of knew I was going through that. Actually the first thing that was funny was the way I found out she was fucking somebody else. Yeah. Was we went home from we came up from New York and went to Keith's house we were gonna play video games for a bit middle of the night.
And I was like oh well I had for her was voicemails like a beeper basically with a voicemail and I could we can call and leave each other messages like I laid out she was like 19. She was like 19. So that's the way she would get messages to each other. Yeah.
So I left the message being like hey I'm actually not gonna be around in the morning. I'm hanging out of Keith's. I'm gonna sleep and then we decided not to play video games so I called back to just erase the message. Yeah.
And it was like you have two messages. And I was like the first one plays it was just some guy being like yo I had a great time tonight. We gotta do that again soon. But I mean it could be more overtly like they probably fucked or at very least like you know hung out and did something.
Yeah. And it was that that you sit up awake all night waiting to get a hold of her. Oh no. And when she answered the phone like it was she the worst excuse but you just want to believe it.
Yeah. She was like um that's the guy who's like getting your PlayStation two for Christmas for me for you. So real nice. And I was like oh shit.
You want that to be the reason for sure. I remember getting in the car that night with Keith and Kev and being like so what happened with it. You know I'm with them when they got I saw her the email when you have voicemail and they go so what happened. It's like guys great news.
It's not what we thought it was. She's not fucking hearing these say it out loud to them I go here's what it was like that guy's actually works at the store. He's the plug for electronic. No you can't get a PlayStation two.
This guy is making sure. And they had a great time setting up that deal. I could have been more like I can still taste you on my mouth. And you're like oh that guy seems pretty alright.
That's cool. Like with the pressure of the pain to get my PlayStation two. What's funny about that is that was all like you know and then it turned out it was fucking the guy and it started breaks up. One of them when she came was over people love this when I it was crazy.
Did they clown you by the way for that or were they like empathetic. Oh yeah so I was like guys guess you know empathetic at all. In fact it's an interesting school of thought that I've always even in hindsight go back and back. I think I did the exact right thing.
Yeah I was young who gives a shit such a young relationship. You don't know. But why don't you give me shit for believing that at all. But also like when we actually broke up and I was you know doing like the mope and the gloom and doom and go home and look at a picture of her while I was in.
We get in the car and they were like get over it man. He goes he's got your headshot on her back while he's bending her over a couch and like oh god. But it was being so funny about it. I guess it is going to snap you back to reality.
Sure. But she you know she kept wavering back and forth and every day she would come over. I'd be like yeah come over. It's one of them it was Christmas Eve.
I guess she I don't know if she wanted like a present from here. I don't know what it was but she called me to be like I made a huge mistake. How much time is it? So probably over the course of the month.
Okay. This is happening. And we she goes I'm gonna come over I want to give you your Christmas presents. And I thought we were broken up.
Yeah so I didn't have anything. I was like oh shit. I'm like this chick got me a PlayStation 2. I was like I'm on you gotta get it.
I gotta go get a gift and I'm broke. And I go to a jewelry store and spend like 70 bucks on some kind of ring. It's everything I have. I remember she comes over and I was like let me give you a gift first.
I gave her this ring. You know it's not an engagement ring. I wasn't even looking like that. But it was just a ring.
And I was like I got this and she's crying. I'm like oh my god. This is amazing. And she also came into the house.
Empty hand. So maybe she has a stuff in her car or something. And we're sitting in my mom's living room just me and her. No one's home and she goes all right.
You ready for your presents? And I was like yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
She goes close your eyes. And I go okay. And I close my eyes. And I guess in her pockets she had his three pretty small boxes.
I'm like okay. And I opened the one. It was the three things where I didn't smoke weed. It's one of my life either.
So this didn't make any sense to me. It was incensed with an incense holder. These are like all impulse purchases you see she made. She worked at Kmart in the Cologne section.
She got me from the the dollar stores version of it says that's like dollar general's version of Tommy Hilfiger sport or something cool. Okay. She works there. So it's free.
Right. It's free to her. She worked at a place that real cool. Oh and she went to the dollar store.
It got me a dollar version. She could have stole one for free. Yeah. This one.
So I guess this is Cologne. It's a Cologne and incense holder. And I was kind of confused by I'm like okay. And she goes now.
Are you ready for your real present? And I was like oh yes. I think I did this. Yeah.
She goes close your eyes again. And then when she says open them it's again. I'm like man. I'm gonna close my eyes for a while while you go get this PlayStation 2.
She again in 10 seconds goes like open your eyes and I open them and she has a nod of cash and she goes I wasn't gonna get the PlayStation 2 and she slices off three twenties and goes get yourself a PlayStation 1 game though. It's like to be the cash. Five two hours later she'd already called back and I'm sorry I'm actually leaving you. It was insane.
But I was saying like Kev one time when we were driving and she called and did one of those things like I think we should get back together and then Kev this is so humiliating. Kev grabbed the phone and he's like Cheryl it's not fucking with my boy man. Like you're killing him. Like it's driving him nuts like it gets back and forth.
Like either you get back with him or leave him or don't call him anymore and I'm gonna go like don't don't don't I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. I'm never gonna put the phone up. Give me that little baby like you're in the face.
The fuck's wrong with you man. It was such a really friend move. I was like yeah what the hell am I doing? That is what everybody means.
Please don't say that. Don't say that to her. Yeah of course you don't want that to go. But that is a good friend.
That's a very good friend because you know somebody would just be like man you know hang in there the whole time the whole way. Have you thought about writing her a song? Like your bad advice. You can clean yourself more.
You could play it like you could sing the song from the street up to her window. You got a boob off. You don't have your head for a while. You got to throw a rock and you just smash the way.
Just what the fuck. You're like Sharon. I love like forced dramatic moments too. Like I kind of knew where the guy she left me for like sort of where he lived like the neighborhood.
Yeah. And I'll come back from New York at night and drop everybody else off. I'll like drive to neighbor to be like I don't even know what I was waiting for. Like the taxi driver I'm looking for her silhouette to like start going down on a huge cockshadow.
I'm like what am I looking for? You're going to have my found them like do you ever do you ever find out who was or you know who was? She married the guy ultimately. Oh sure okay.
Yeah yeah yeah. So you know what he looks like. I would have known him. I would see like it's funny whatever like you're dating someone or like talking to your and then mentions an ex and you have the conversations and you're like okay okay and then you know you're fine with it but then you see a photo and I feel like the your fear register is like that the person is always going to be like better.
Oh yeah. Oh man it's supposed to be better but they ever see someone you're like this is the guy like when it's when you're like this is who you dated and then they're like yeah and you're like god like this is fucking embarrassing for you right. I know and then you're also like wait am I like these guys. Yeah like this.
That's when you start to go. They're like this is the level I met because I'm with you. It's one of the funniest things that we ever had. Me and my girlfriend now, Christine, been together for a long time like 11 years now and we first started dating.
It's also people I think have a different impression. If they only know me from like stage maybe it's before broadcasting and stuff. Yeah like I think they thought my personality was a lot different maybe wilder than it actually is. Right.
They're the drugs guy. They're the sweet guy and yeah. So I remember she we were sitting on a soup in New York somewhere. It's guys again it's very early.
It's that like you know you're touching shoulders everything's so smiley and adorable and I was like I gotta ask like have you ever hooked other comics like you've been around comedy for years. You worked at Comedy Magic Club in L.A. or her most and then she managed clubs all over New York and I was like have you worked on other comics and she was just like oh yeah she goes this is gonna make you laugh. And like she says the person it's the name doesn't mean it because he's not really around much anymore but like he was just like a short little guy kind of weird looking sweetheart.
Yeah nothing negative about him. Just like the look and she was like isn't that funny. And I was like huh it was a thing for the next three years of always. Like it couldn't get past it for so long.
Of course. Which is like that's the thing right is that you know the I had this conversation people like do you ask like because I think the older people get more mature they go like just they learn not to do that. Like you know I mean like when you're like 21 you're like who have you been with. Yeah and it matters and it matters so much to you.
Oh those names but like all my friends that like date now that are like older late 30s 40s they go like oh yeah they like they like they go like I figured out not to ask anything. Oh yeah. No it's just gonna be like I can't control it just gonna upset me. Also it's time goes on how short life is you really get like everyone I was younger if they're like you did a porn star like I would never be able to deal with the jealousy I'm like if I did a retired porn star like probably who cares.
Do you know what I mean? Yeah of course. Like I was like I was everyone seen her fuck like sure. So what I've seen Jennifer Lawrence with a load on her face.
I'll still go see her in a big budget movie. The world's changed. Have you seen her with a load on her face? Oh yeah that leak thing.
That was that on her. Yeah it's like her with a big old gob on her face. Really? Yeah that's pretty wild.
That was that was in her iCloud right? Yeah yeah the fapping. The fun thing about that fapping was it was so many celebrities. Yeah in that that like a lot of them weren't famous yet.
So much do you know me so now it's like just the most fun thing when you go new starlets. There it is. They're like new stuff. Good for her.
Did you know? I shut mouth closed. Yeah you can't teach that. You can't teach that instincts right?
That is. You got to really you got to really want like that's and that's full it's posed too. It's like let me get in better light. You know like she was like let me back up.
I want to make sure I can see this clearly. It might be my own insecurity too. I have friends that do I have friends that like film so much of their fucking and sexual things and I'm just like I couldn't even imagine like if I was like single and random fucking all the time like pulling out a phone I was friends that have like pulled out phones and they go yeah and then she was like can you not do that? And I'm like what the I go that would make my wiener shrivel up.
Yeah I apologize for a half hour. That was a percent and I like leave awkwardly. I'm so sorry. I've never considered recording.
I think I'd be mortified to record myself. I just don't want to see the no I can't believe it's happening already. I definitely don't want to see what it looks like. No because here's the thing.