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So whether you're snacking, sharing, or just treating yourself, nothing else is Reese's. What do you want us to do for them? It's very hard to see this reasonably because we tend to go straight to my child needs me, and I'm abandoning them, and I can't do this. And the problem with that is it reads to our child that we are seeing this as something that we want to do that's wrong, leaving them, that we feel guilty about it, and then it's much harder for them to accept the next time, right?
Because now we've already shown them through our reaction that this isn't something that is really that safe for them or that we think they can handle. So anyway, this is not as complicated as it may sound. I have some solutions that I hope will help, and I have two notes from parents that I would like to address, so let's get into it. I'll start with this first parent's note, and here's her subject line.
Help with toddler who refuses to let me do independent tasks. Hi, Janet. First of all, I'm a huge fan of your book and approach. I'm a therapist and have been dealing with an issue that I just can't understand or respond to effectively.
I hope you can help. Our four-year-old has been doing this thing where she gets very controlling and demanding of what I do, mostly in the way of wanting me to hold her hand and not leave the room or even walk to the other side of the room or do any independent task without her. This isn't the case all the time or even most of the time she's actually quite independent and well adjusted, but when this behavior comes up, it's bad. It happens at least once a day.
If I don't stop mid-track, go back and hold her hand and acquiesce immediately, she starts crying hysterically and won't calm down. She usually orders that I redo whatever task I was doing independently with her by my side. Go and put back the diaper in the package, pour the milk back in the carton, or whatever item I got, and go back and get it with her with her holding my hand. I used to try and go with it.
I knew it was a bid for closeness and reassurance, and it didn't cost much to do a quick redo, but it's getting to a ridiculous point and the demands seem to be growing. The other day, her two-year-old sister had a blowout, and I had to rush her upstairs to change her, and my four-year-old cried hysterically for me to go back downstairs and hold her hand while I did the whole cleanup. I asked her to join and help me, but she insisted on me going back downstairs and reenacting the whole situation. The other problem is that she will often only protest these situations after I'm well into my new task so it really doesn't make sense for me to go back and do it with her.
I know that my sister demands almost seem a little OCD in nature. Sit here and watch me go potty. No, more to the left, cross your legs. I know in many ways this is a cry for connection and closeness, which is why I have been hesitant to put my foot down and tell her no outright.
Although I have attempted to just give her a kind but firm, no, I can't redo this task. If you'd like to join me, please come along. I'm right here. Can you help with this part?
But unless I go back downstairs, go back and redo the original thing, she just melts down. It escalates into her screaming and crying, her two-year-old sister crying from the stress, and me being close to crying too. It feels like I'm being held hostage. For context, our family is going through a big transition, my husband and I are separated and have been for six months.
It's been hard for all of us, but we've been careful to talk openly with our four and two-year-old about it. Ask if they have questions, affirm our love and care for them, not argue in front of them, etc. This controlling behavior from the four-year-old started about six months before the separation happened, but has certainly gotten worse. I'd be thankful for any input you can provide, even if it's just an encouragement to stand firm and say no, or to go with it and hope it passes.
Thank you. Okay, so first of all, thanks to this parent for her kind words of support. And I agree with this parent. This has gotten out of hand.
She says it's getting to a ridiculous point and the demands seem to be growing. Yes, that's something to zero in on no matter what the behavior as our child is doing. When it seems to grow, get more persistent and more over the top, that's a sign that our child isn't getting the response that they need from us. The hard part about issues like separation is us seeing clearly what's going on because we tend to go to as parents all these fear places, right?
And guilt places, maybe. Especially if we're in a situation where we've had to make big transitions and I don't know how this parent feels about what's going on with the separation, but it is normal to feel vulnerable and maybe even kind of guilty about that. You know, not only for us personally, but just in terms of our child, not for this parent shouldn't feel guilty about it, but it's normal for that to come up. So that's making it easier for us to go to that place of feeling unsure of ourselves and guilty and maybe I'm not doing enough.
And this can be true with any separation, even just I'm going to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back and our child is upset. And so we have to kind of like sculpt off or say, I'll be back, I'll be back and be very guilty about it, which then transmits to our child that we're not comfortable so then they can't get comfortable. It's a whole cycle that we can put into motion that way.
But that's because we as parents tend to go to that vulnerable fear place around this and then believe things like this parent is saying, I knew it was a bid for closeness reassurance. And she says, again, I know in many ways this is a cry for connection and closeness, which is why I've been hesitant to put my foot down. So what I would try to understand here is that a bid for closeness and connection isn't as literal as we might perceive it. This is a connection.
We feel that with someone, definitely not because they're just doing whatever we want them to and they're always with us. And whenever we want them by our side, they're by our side, it's that feeling of being able to share hard feelings and to be able to share those without it turning into you not being able to handle it. Therefore, you putting me in charge. Obviously this parent doesn't mean to do that, but that's what I see happening here.
And I'm going to explain that because that's probably not clear. So this transition that's happening with these parents and their separation, that's really hard on them, obviously. And it sounds like they're handling it beautifully, not arguing in front of their children, talking openly about it, asking if they have questions, affirming love and care for them. That's wonderful, but what's missing is I need to be able to, as a child, have a huge meltdown about this.
Scream about it, get completely unravel about it because it is scary. Any change in my life is a loss and something new that is scary and uncomfortable. And it doesn't mean I can't handle it at all. I can with my parents support, but I have feelings about it.
And this is what I want to help this parent see. I need a place to be able to vent those. And it happens no matter what, in any small instance where a child is having these meltdowns about seemingly ridiculous things, like my parent won't do everything I say and redo tasks she's already done and hold my hand every second and all that, I just need you to stop me and let me go to these places that are uncomfortable for you. Because it's not about you, it's just about me needing to vent the way kids do, which is in this kind of over the top way.
It's very thorough, right? It's very healthy. So when she's having the meltdowns that this parent is trying to avoid, and when her sister is joining in, it's upsetting her too. That can be a kind of an empathy that the children have together often, even when two babies want a baby cries and another baby cries.
It's not that that baby is scared or terrified or upset. Their feelings are getting touched off. So that's how I would perceive the two-year-old getting upset when the older one does not as something like, oh no, now everyone's upset and I've got to fix this. That's so much pressure on us and it's just not what is needed.
What will help is us having these very reasonable boundaries. Like, you know, I already did that, you really want me to do it again. I'm not going to do it again, my love. You could be upset about that.
If you need to, I support that. You get into feel however you feel about what I say, but owning your role in this relationship so that a four-year-old doesn't have to take it on. That's the position children can end up finding themselves in. When we're afraid of their feelings a little bit or we're trying to avoid this healthy thing that needs to happen with them, sharing their feelings.
Therefore, we're allowing all of this over-the-top controlling stuff to happen. So let's look at this another way. What her daughter's doing when she melts down on the outside is objecting, right? That's the first thing we can see.
And I think that our all these feelings of my family is changing and something's going on and my parents aren't totally at ease and I'm not at ease and, you know, I need to let that out. But on the outside, they're objecting, no matter what's going on that's making them react to our limits, including our separation limits that I'm going to go do this now. Taking care of ourselves in that way is just a natural way of having personal boundaries with our child. It's not we're not trying to train them or teach them a lesson.
We're just taking care of ourselves in this relationship. So now our child is objecting. What do we want for our children in their future? We want them to be able to object, right?
We want them to feel they have a right to strongly object to other people's boundaries or other people's decisions of any kind, other people's actions. But a child can't feel comfortable objecting whenever they object. We, as his parents, says, we acquiesce, which means I object and there's no sort of backstop for me to bounce my objection off of. Instead, when I object, the person I'm objecting to just gives way to me and puts me in charge.
So that's not being able to object. As I'm sure this parent wants her daughter to be able to do in life. And this is, again, such a common thing that we want to do. It was parents.
I want to do it too. Like, I want to just be the good guy and you like everything I do. But that's not serving our child, especially in a time where they have appropriate feelings to share. So what I believe this child and all children want is to be seen here, not as just needy.
And I just can't get enough of your connection and attention and seeing them in this weak position because that's what our fear place in us goes to. I said, oh, my poor child, they need me and I'm not being there for them. That voice is not telling us the truth. The truth is what our child really wants us to see is I'm being unreasonable because I need to fall apart with you a lot.
And I also want you to see something that I could never really know or articulate myself and that's that controlling you doesn't feel comfortable to me at all. I'm unable to understand this completely or tell you this in words. So this is how I'm telling you by making these over the top demands on you. This is how hard I'm trying for you to see me.
So yes, I encourage this parent and all parents to, as she says, put her foot down, but in the kindest possible way, this doesn't have to be, I don't want being harsh and putting my foot down. That doesn't feel good to us. And that doesn't make it easier for us to let our child have feelings about it, right? What helps us is when we rise into that love place in us that loves our child so much, we want them to know that we see them and we're not going to let them be the boss here when they're only four years old because we know that's a terrifying thing for a four year old or six year old or any child that they have us as hostage as his parents says.
And that's how this feels. I know, I've been there, I've been there with my first and that's how it feels. And I can still dive in there anytime I want it, but I've learned and it's been reinforced to me so many times through seeing the difference in my children when I am able to be kindly and lovingly in charge so they don't have to be not letting them do all these controlling things to us because what they're really trying to control is their feelings. We can put our foot down, but actually I don't want to use that term because that already sounds like I'm drawing a line in the sand and I'm being so tough.
It's not tough. It's loving and I guess it's confidence in ourselves. It's direct, it's honest, it can be upbeat, what it can't be is tentative or skulking or feeling guilty. It's full on honesty.
Releasing our child from this limbo state of not being able to express her strong feelings all the way because it worries us too much. That's a burden on them that they have to be holding on to so much control. So I'm not exactly sure about the timing of her daughter's behavior as this mom says that it started about six months before the separation. But what I do know is that kids like this, she's very sharp, right?
She can go into that control position. She doesn't want to be there. But look how capable she is of going there. It's, you know, she's very believable, especially to a parent that's not feeling that great about herself maybe.
So she's very believable. She's commanding. So children like that, especially, they're so perceptive. They can know that something's happening with their parents before we even do a lot of the time.
She was probably already reading that something was up between you and this is not for you to feel guilty about it at all. Guilty is kind of what's going on here already. I think that's getting in the way. That's just to know that chances are she did pick up on it and that's where she started needing to kind of share because when you're holding this stuff in, it's just like if these parents are holding in their feelings about what's going on and not sharing up with a friend or a family member or a counselor, that's going to make them feel like exploding.
So this parent, I know this parent can do this and she will see the difference when she gives herself permission. And I love that she said she gave me an option to answer this way. So I don't feel too bad. She said, even if it's just an encouragement to stand firm and say no or to go with it and help it passes.
Okay. I vote for stand firm and say no, but in the most loving possible way. Ah, you want me to do this and that. Oh gosh, I'm not going to do it my love and letting her go to those screaming places.
The more you can see that as positive healing, putting your therapist hat on, which is brilliant that she has that putting that on and seeing her as your client for that period needing to share and needing to vent this and not feeling sorry for her feeling good for her that she gets a chance to do this and you're bravely giving it to her. Both of you get to feel better and you'll see a change very quickly when you do this. So standing firm and saying no can be done in a way that's so respectful and so loving and compassionate when we do the other half of that, which is welcoming her to object and welcoming her sister to join in. If that's the case, not fearing this holding strong with you being the reasonable adult here.
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Okay, here's one more. Hi Janet, thank you for all you do to support families uplifting and educating us and cheering us on. Okay, I love that part. I'm so glad I'm cheering her on.
That's all I want to do. I'm reaching out about a pattern I've been noticing with my two year old. She turned to in late January, so she's still freshly to she's a very emotionally strong kid who is extremely observant, even from birth. Lately she's been getting upset and starting to cry when I leave the room.
And I can remember I try to tell her I'm going to go get some water or I need to go to the bathroom. Would you like to come? But sometimes I forget or am distracted. So I just leave without saying anything, either leaving her alone for a few seconds or with her dad.
She doesn't get upset every time, but I think if she's in a particularly sensitive mood or tired, it seems to bother her. My read on this behavior is that it seems like she's feeling anxious and or insecure. If it only happened every now and then, I feel like I wouldn't feel the need to investigate it more. But since it comes up a lot, I want to see what I can do.
I want her to obviously feel confident and secure. I'm wondering if it is something that I'm doing to make her feel this way or not doing or if it's just her personality. Do you have any advice for me to help my daughter feel more secure and perhaps less anxious? Or if you read on the situation is different, I'm very open to understanding some other dynamic.
Thank you in advance. Okay, so thanks to this parent as well. And I just have to say, along with the other parent's note, she's a very emotionally strong child who is extremely observant. Okay, that's I think both of these children.
I would characterize them that way. That's their personality. So this parent is worried that anxiousness or insecurity could be part of her child's personality. And I would never want to discount this parent's instinct that her daughter may feel anxious or insecure.
I can't know that for sure. However, I do know that the best way to help her feel more secure and less anxious is to, as I said with the last parent, be clear and honest and welcoming up for feelings around separation. And again, welcoming, allowing her to express these feelings is only possible when we don't cave to them. That's what it's all about.
They can't express it if we're not someone they can express it to without us crumbling or melting or acquiescing in some way. Feeling bad, feeling guilty, worrying, oh no, they're too anxious. All those places that we can naturally go when we're not perceiving their feelings as all positive all the time to express. And this parent's sister daughter is not getting upset every time, but it's happening enough.
And yeah, it is probably happening when she's in a sensitive mood or tired. And that's when we need to cry. Sometimes I've been having a hard time falling asleep lately. And last night I cried as I was trying to fall asleep.
And what happened afterwards, I fell asleep. It's not something that I usually do cry at bedtime, but that's what helps us to feel better. It's not a bad sign. It's a healthy sign.
So our children need a secure, confident parent to receive all their states, all their feelings and not take it to heart and change something because of it. Quite the opposite that we receive it while still holding ourselves, the leader in this relationship that children need us to be because if we're not, they have to be it sometimes. And that doesn't feel good to them. That can create insecurity and anxiousness.
It's like I'm for or I'm to and I'm in charge here. That's scary, right? We can relate to that. It's scary enough for me as an adult sometimes to feel the responsibility that I have.
But actually when I was that little, that's overwhelming. So I don't know what's creating these feelings at these certain times. I mean, there may be more that's going on in this family that would explain that. It could just be the age.
It's an age where a child does feel more separate as an individual. That's okay when I want to be separate, but what if the other person wants to be separate? And I don't. And I want my mom.
That doesn't mean we need to acquiesce to a demand. Never leaving her side or all the things that we might think we're supposed to do to fix this. No, it's not about fixing it. It's about allowing for the process of feelings being shared.
Each child's emotional developmental process is there maturing and becoming more resilient because they've felt safe to go to the depths with us. So this parent says similar things to what the other parent said. It seems like she's feeling anxious and or insecure. And I want her to obviously feel confident and secure.
I'm wondering if it is something that I'm doing to make her feel this way or not doing her if it's just her personality. So now we don't have this power to make a child feel certain things. We do have a lot of healing power in allowing them to feel certain things, allowing them to feel all the things basically. And then they can move through them.
The feelings pass. And every time a child knows that they don't always get everything they want with every person in their life, that other people have their own needs and wants. And it's natural in any relationship with their to be conflict in those needs. Oh, I don't even want that conflict in those needs because I don't think it's her need to have the parent with her at all times conflict in those wants.
These are really important messages for kids to receive, to learn and grow from and keep developing in this emotionally healthy direction. And it makes sense. If we think about it, why would our child want us to ever leave their side? They adore us, right?
But that doesn't mean that they're feeling anxious or insecure about it. Just that they want us there with them. Always. They love us.
So I see nothing but positive changes these parents can make right away. It's all in the way that they're perceiving their child's reaction to separation. And the parent really needing to be the one who's the leader here. I really hope some of this helps.
And there's so much more about boundaries, of course, and well in my book, No Bad Kids Talls are Discipline Without Shame, which has been a bestseller for years now. And also my No Bad Kids Master course at NoBadKidsCourse.com. And that is a deep dive that will help you with your perceptions and to know where kids need us to, as his first parent said, stand firm, put our foot down, but put our foot down in the nicest possible way and where they need to be leading. So knowing those two different aspects of parenting, where to trust and where to lead makes our lives so much easier and clearer.
And all of that's in the course. Thank you so much again. We can do this.