Curse 2: The Bite (1989)

Hey everyone, welcome to another episode of Movie Mastery, the podcast where we watch the movies that you tell us to. I am your host, John. With me, as always, my co-host, Jeff, is here. Not always, most of the time. Almost always. Almost always. As much as I can be. Circumstances per minute. As close to always as I can get you. For I prefer you to be there. You are my beloved co-host. My very favorite. Aw, that's so sweet. That's why I make you watch shit like Curse 2, The Bite. What the fuck, man?

Man, I thought we were friends. The past few weeks when I have been rolling on, because the way we do the movies for this is I have a fucking list of like almost 200 movies that people have told us to watch. And every time I go to a random number generator and I'm like, yo, give me something. And I'll spin that bitch up. And the last three weeks that has been like, you get pain. You get nothing, sir. It's great. Usually you give, I mean, here's a little inside baseball for the folks at home. Usually.

We roll a couple times and we make our decision based on which one is easiest to get a hold of. Oh, yeah, because a lot of times it might have entertainment value. Yeah, people will recommend stuff and then I'll be like, yeah, let's do that. And then I'll go try to find it. I'm like, oh, it's impossible to find this. There's like one copy on eBay for $75. Yeah, or some things make their way into the list and they're just like, oh, Nicolas Cage movies are always good. You're like, no, sometimes they're not even weird enough to talk about. Sometimes he just needs to pay off his castle he bought in Scotland. So, you know, we have a couple reasons to do that. This time, I assume you did that yourself and just didn't tell me because you gave me nothing. You just mailed me a shit. You registered. I had to sign for this. Oh, yeah.

And here's the thing. I did roll twice. And let me tell you, we did this out of laziness on my part because the other one was to go watch a Dolph Lundgren film from a DVD that I was given that has one of those like, here's seven Dolph Lundgren films. And I looked up to where my DVDs were and went, I ain't getting out of this chair. And then said, hey, we're doing Curse 2 The Bite. And then we watched it and I immediately feel bad about my choices. I should have taken the moment to get up and get that DVD. I can tell you one thing that I have learned from watching this film is that I do not want to watch Curse 1.

Not The Bite, whatever that is. Thing is, I was looking at it and I'm like, what the fuck was the original Curse then? Because I've seen... Probably 300 movies called Curse. That's the other problem. Because I'm like, how do I find the original Curse? Because Curse 2, The Bite, I was like, great, cool. I found a DVD or a Blu-ray cover that has both The Curse and Curse 2. And The Curse is like...

Has a picture of a house? I'm like, is this a haunted house thing that then they just decided, fuck it, let's take the name? I mean, it could easily be one of those, like, Troll 2 situations or Zombie 3 situations where Zombie 3 is technically a sequel to Dawn of the Dead, even though, like, they didn't have the rights to make a sequel to that. Those things happen. Like, so maybe that's what's going on here, especially with this boring-ass title, Curse to the Bite. Oh, man. But, yeah. I guess, okay, so here, I looked up the curse.

I'm going to tell you this. No real spoilers. Curse 2, the bite, is about a dude who gets bit by a snake and then you would think it begins to turn into a snake and it's much weirder than that. It's much more less taxing on the special effects guy than that. Yes. Also, yes. I'm going to be your honest reviewer today. The curse, I'll just...

Life on the family dairy farm is difficult for young Zach Haynes, parentheses Will Wheaton. Oh, my. Hard work, long hours, and the normal family squabbles. But after an ice blue meteor plunges through the midnight sky and lands on their property, it gets worse. It had the traveler in it. Oh, no. Something inside the meteor is infecting every living thing on the farm. Fruits which look perfect on the outside are teeming with worms. Oh, jeez. And Zach's family is beginning to change.

So it feels like the curse was basically, what if we did color out of space, but generic version? Yeah. And then curse to the bite was, what if we had $8? Hey, someone already did a student film of this movie. Can we just put the curse's name on it? Curse 2 is an exercise. And how much voiceover can you put over stock footage of cars driving? Someone went, hey, dude, I fucked up. I meant to get a couple rubber snakes for Halloween. I got a gross. Can we do something with this? Well, there's a special effects artist who's the only person of note in the credits beyond Jamie Carr from MASH being in this. Because his name is like.

I don't know, Screamin' Sam? Screamin' Mad George, who is fairly infamous in the horror scene for weird fucking special effects. Okay. In this case, he seemed pretty infamous for ripping off the Crystal Gravy sketch from Saturday Night Live. Except that came out, I think, two years after this. So, good for him. Yeah, this is... No spoiler review, this fucking sucks. You can skip this and go about your business and be a happy person. It is, I'm gonna say, just from a perspective of, huh.

You did something different from what I thought you would do. It was interesting to me that they did it. The thing is, I do agree with you that it was like, oh, if we did the normal thing, this would cost too much. Let's instead spend no money. Yes, I don't think they had any money. They were like, okay, we could roll toilet paper around a guy's hand and spend zero dollars. Or...

Yeah. All right. So no spoiler review is it's real bad. Drags on a long time and someone managed to get Jamie far from mash in here and there's no reason for it. So if he didn't have scenes with the main characters, I would have guessed he had done his entire filming in a day, but it looks like he full on committed. It was a real part of this movie. Yeah. All right. We are going to go ahead. We're going to play a little bit of music and then we will come back with the full spoiler review going into curse to the bite.

We're back and it's time to talk to you about Curse to the Bite. Yeah, let's talk about it. All right, we're done. So how are you doing? What's going on? Hey, what's happening? Did you know we're going to be in Seattle in early March to do our first appearance at any kind of convention in three fucking years? Yeah, it is our first.

Con bit for a while. Yeah, we're going to be at the Emerald City Comic Con. We're going to be doing a shared panel with James D'Amato. Catch us there on that Friday. I think that's March 4th, 3rd? March 3rd, I think around 2.15 to 2.45 p.m. It's going to be a rehash, a re-envisioning of the game show event that we did at Gen Con a number of years ago. This time we're going to be throwing fucking prizes at you. That's right. So if you're going to be in Seattle at that time, come on out and see us. This one is technically in support of the books we write and not specifically of the shows we make. But that doesn't mean we won't just talk about whatever you want. We won't just do whatever the fuck we want anyway. I mean, technically this is a...

Dungeon Meister, an Ultimate RPG appearance by us authors and James, the other author. But please come out and see us. There's going to be more of them this year. I'm just getting that started because I do not want to talk about Curse 2 the Bite. Man, Curse 2 the Bite doesn't want to start into Curse 2 the Bite. It spends, I got to say this, it takes an hour for someone to die in this film. Yes. And even at that point, it's another like 15 minutes before we get...

any actual like monster stuff yeah no it is fucking slow and it's an hour and a half movie so you get 15 minutes at the end where you're like haha monsters every time there's a scene you can hear like the violin music come up and you're like oh they're gonna have a tender moment between our two main characters it's gonna be five minutes of the girlfriend being like no but we will make it through this we will we will make it through this and i'm just like jesus christ if there was ever a time in my life for my computer to not be in the shop let it be now it is amazing to me that I was so ready to give this movie some credit because there is a scene after our main protagonist gets bit by a radioactive snake and does not become Snake Man, a superhero. But instead, Clark, our main hero and have names. Oh, yeah. Clark and Lisa. Christ almighty. I had no idea. I mean, Lisa and Clark get name dropped. I mean, I think Lisa gets.

dropped more because Clark says it she only says Clark like five times in this fucking film I'll say that much yeah yeah and I didn't care what anyone was saying so you know I'm still gonna try and review we do to show you that I did watch it I'm not just bullshitting my way through it opens at a gas station where a well no what I was gonna say is there was a point where after Clark has been bitten yeah they're at a bar and he hits her yes and I was like damn movie she immediately was like fuck you drop me off we're not together anymore go fuck yourself and I was like yes good job. And then she immediately was like, nah, you tried to finger me and I'm into it. Let's have sex and I'm done. With your gross wound hand under three inches of bandage and I'm into it. And so we're just going to bang it out and then no longer are we going to be not together. And I will spend the rest of the movie being like, no, I love him. Like, what the fuck just happened? Why did we even have that scene? Although the phrase, why did we even have that scene is most of this movie. Yeah, yeah. Why do we even have those 90 minutes? Including credits. So yeah, it opens at a gas station where the Harbinger is present.

He is a weird-looking kid who asks him, a lot of this movie is gas station attendants, asking weirdly penetrating questions. So we get a scene of him being like, that's a pretty-looking girl up inside your vehicle there. Is that your wife or your girlfriend? Yeah, it's an interesting thing to me, the whole Harbinger role in this film. Because there's two of them? Because you get two, and he's really the main one, because he's the one who's like, hey, don't go this way. Yes. He's the one who gives you the advice that you don't follow. Yeah. But it's weird to me that...

I mean, I think just in general, a lot of harbingers, you know, if you're like, oh, I'm going up to a cabin, they're like, that cabin's cursed. You're like, oh, this guy's crazy. But this one was just like, oh, yeah, if you go up that way, it's fucked. There's no one for 100 miles. Like, if you have a problem, you will be absolutely fucked. And they're like, well, what was that guy's problem? He's an asshole. I'm like, no, he was like, he had a little bit of like a, you know, stereotypical hick accent. But other than that, he was just like, he had Hapsburg jaw too. Yeah. But it was mostly him just going, no, don't fucking go up yellow sands. That place is fucked. He's trying to keep them away from a famous site of atomic bomb testing.

where this movie never actually says anything beyond, like, the government and them bombs at one point as its backstory for what the fuck is happening. Poison the water in the air. Yeah. So we're doing the bare minimum at every turn, as little as possible. It's just, for me, I was like, for a harbinger, he came off much more like, oh, there's this road and that's how you get there. And, you know, Clark's like, well, why don't we take this shortcut? He's like, because that place is fucked and there's nothing around and it's a terrible idea to go that way. And he goes, and when they drive off, he's like...

I don't know what's up with that weirdo. Local yokel. We're going the fast way. I'm like, dude, if some guy that lives locally is like, dude, do not take that road. I'm like, yes, sir. I don't know shit. I'm not from here. Yeah, but you know, our main character needs to be a dumb asshole in order to fall into the horror trap. If your movie has a harbinger, you have to have your characters be disrespectful and be like, I don't trust you, you wise person giving me sage advice. Though usually that's in a horror movie where the trope is much more like, oh, there's a group of people and they're all going over there so that you can have a thing where it's like, oh, here's...

three guys and gals and they're an asshole and then one of the people is like, I'm sorry about them. Don't worry about it so we can establish the whole final girl thing. Yeah, that's fair. This movie doesn't have enough people for a final girl thing. Yeah, Lisa doesn't interact with him at all and Clark is just like, oh, I had a totally normal interaction with the guy. What a fuckbag. He didn't have a normal interaction with that guy. His first thought was to peer inside the window, leer at your girlfriend and be like, that's a right hot creature you got in your car there. Is she available or what? He's like, no, that's not normal and it's going to keep happening.

Everybody wants Lisa, and Lisa doesn't seem to give a shit. No, no. And this movie, I think it was 1989? 89 for the bite. Which is wild, because this movie feels like very much an early 80s piece of horror trash. Oh, it definitely does have all of the, like, classic telltale signs of this being the early 80s. Yeah. And yet. Yeah, it's just wild. But yeah, they ignore him and drive off towards Yellow Sands. This is when we start getting establishing shots of...

snakes so you know this is a snake themed horror movie oh yeah i mean we even start before we even get there was like ah yellow sands testing site and dudes and you know big hazmat suits picking up a snake yeah there's a shot of that i'd forgotten because it doesn't ever come up again there's just some snakes oh yeah and rubber snakes this is i think outside of there's a couple of shots of some baby snakes like the garter snakes and stuff that i think they brought in oh yeah we do get like probably stock footage of any like rattlers and things like that. One shot of a rattlesnake under a car. And then after that, that same rattlesnake is replaced by a Bushmaster snake for some reason. And then we never see the snake again. We hear it and people keep saying, there it goes. And that's, hey, the snake's over there. That's the full extent of the snake action that we're going to get from this point forward. So real cheap. Which I'm going to say, good. Because in the end of this movie, when there are like some snakes in mud and it looks like, oh, they put real life snakes in the mud next to Jill Sholin, who plays Lisa in this classic shitty horror spring queen. But I was like.

Oh, don't do that. You don't have the budget for a snake handler. This is not a movie that anyone was aware of. No, there's no way this is safe. Even if these are non-venomous snakes, you don't want these in the fucking mud with some lady. Have you ever heard of the shitty birds rip off beaks? No. It features a scene where people are flying in an airplane and then they run into a cloud of birds that are trying to throw themselves into the propeller of the airplane to bring them down. It's another one of them Birdemic type movies. And to film it, they just took big handfuls of live pigeons and threw them at the actors in an airplane cockpit. Like hearts and they're bulking off the canopy.

God damn. That is the level of animal handling that I assumed in this film, which is why I was like, you know what? I'm glad you don't show more snakes, because otherwise things would have probably gone poorly. Yeah, yeah. So we get shots of the fence around the Yellow Sands testing site that have a bunch of ropes hanging off them, but it's all in silhouette, so maybe those are snakes. And then shots of big piles of rubber snakes on roads. That's kind of our, this is the scary thing that's going to happen, everybody. Oh, yeah. I mean, we get a scene where...

we have so much fucking business where nothing happens because it's like oh we got a flat tire and you're like oh here it is here's the moment where shit goes down it's like oh no he shoots a snake that's coming up near lisa and then they fix the tire and leave the snake sneaks into their car while he's fixing the tire so that's that is when they get the snake into their car is it yes there's a point you can see their guitar fall down because the snake moves it okay because i was like there's also a point I guess it must have been already in the car where we get Snake Eye View from the second gas station. Yeah, it's already in the car, and it doesn't do anything. It does Snake Eye View, and it doesn't fucking do anything. This movie doesn't... Like, when they get there, he gets a flat tire, and he gets out and looks at it, and he's all, aw, shit. And our main character is, like, a 23-year-old wearing a ratty tank top. You know, he's a young man, and him and his girlfriend have a dream of running away together to California from whatever New Mexico shithole they started in. Oh, they started way farther than that, because they're doing cross-country. They go into Texas at one point. They mention... The city's mentioned in this movie are shit like Truth or Consequences and Winslow, so they're out in the middle of the flat part of that area of the country when this is happening. But...

Yeah, he gets out, he looks at the flat, he's all macho about it, so when the girlfriend Lisa leans out, she's like, hey, can I help? He's like, no. And then she just goes, hey, can I tell you all about my dream? And that was when I was like, no. No one wants to hear about your fucking dreams. And then she has the worst dream ever, where she doesn't know what dinosaurs are. It just sucks. And there's a point where he's like, and where was I in this dream? Peeling off your animal skin type caveman outfit? And she's like, no, you're off somewhere picking berries. It's my dream, and I can say whatever I want was in it. And I'm like, so it's not even your fucking dream? You're just telling me a bullshit dumb story? Go sit in the car.

But the fact that they're like, all right, oh, no, tire's flat. Anyway, we fixed it. And on we go. And then they get to the gas station. And Harbinger 2. We get our next spooky guy who is. The padding. Just there to be like, oh, I'm here to tell you about how much snakes are bad. Because we have a scene where they, like, drive over a fucking crate full of snakes. There's just a ton of fake snakes on the ground. And I love the shot because they show them driving over these rubber snakes a lot. Yes, they do. And, of course, they use the whole light. I love that shot, too.

background sheen of heat coming off of asphalt, so you can't really make it out. It's a good way to hide the fact that you have rubber snakes, but they could only afford... like one squib. So in the entire scene of them driving over so many rubber snakes, at one point he goes, and some blood pops out and then does it ever again. And I'm like, that's great. Yeah. And the whole time this is happening. Yeah. The shot of the truck driving over the snakes is funny, but the best part is the two are two gormless morons that are our main characters leaning out and just looking down as they drive over snakes. And all they say, never do they say snake. They just keep going, what is happening? What are these things? What is all of this? Why is it continuing to happen? What? And that's all they ever say. No one is just like, wow, that's a fucking lot of snakes. Holy shit. What a bunch of snakes. And also I was like, dude, if you're driving over that many snakes.

Don't lean your head out of the car window, because, like, a snake might get thrown up towards your face or something. You're already committed that you're driving over a bunch of snakes. Just lean into it and drive until there's not snakes under you anymore. They're not going to bite your tires. You're just going to kill a bunch of snakes today. You've got to really suck it up and go, you know what? Oops, killed a lot of snakes. Yeah, that's what's happening here. You killed a bunch of snakes. But, yeah. They managed to get to this other gas station, and the guy there is like, oh, I'll fix your tire for $200 American dollars. And...

So the big thing here is, oh, he's got a picture of his dog and his dog got bit by a snake. And we are going to get a snake dog puppet at one point. Which is why this guy's in the movie, I guarantee it. That Screamin' Mad George was like, I made this puppet dog. And they were like, can we put snake fangs on it? And he was like, sure. And now it's in the movie. Oh, knowing what I know about Screamin' Mad George, he was 100% like, I have made a dog snake puppet. And they were like, we don't have a dog snake in this. And he's like, you do now.

Okay. But I like this guy because he's got that sort of I'm living in the post-apocalypse and the rest of the world hasn't realized it yet vibe. Because he's living out in the middle right by all this snake bullshit. And he's living behind like an iron barred gate. And when what's his name comes walking up? Clark. Clark comes walking up to be like, hey, can we get some service? Points a shotgun at him through a tiny hole in the grate. Yeah. This guy is dead serious. And he's also one of those like...

harbinger guys that won't say anything which always feel weird in these movies where they're like hey so uh can you tell me what's going on down that way everyone's going to hell and you're like you know you could be like there's a bunch of fucking weird snakes around oh the snakes they're poisoned with the bombs and then the ones that survive are big and they're messed up and i'm like okay dude cool cool so how far is it to the next time i also love that clark notices the dog picture stapled to the side of the shitty rusted down gas station and asks about exactly have you ever seen a picture of a dog somewhere and been like This dog, I need to know about it. What's the deal with this dog? You have a picture of a dog and I'm going to ask you. I'll tell you the answer to that. It's Facebook. It's anytime anyone posts a picture of their family and there's a dog. And you're like, I give a shit about one of the living things in that picture. There's only one thing I care about here and it's where's that dog? Where's that dog and can I have that dog?

The next time I see you, will that dog be there? That is the only thing that matters to me. It reminds me of someone going into a Red Robin and being like, hey, what's up with that American flag made out of cutting half baseballs? I'd like to know more about that. Can you give me further detail about whatever the fuck that is, please? You've got a burner and it seems to be spiked on the top of the Eiffel Tower. What's that all about? I bet there's an interesting story behind that. But yeah, the guy's just like, oh, my dog got bit by a snake. And Clark's like, oh, well, didn't they have antivenom? Didn't work. All fucked up. Anyway, of course it didn't work. You're 100 miles from anything. Antivenom is one of those you got to do it right now kind of situations. Oh, yeah.

That's why the entire fucking Harry Morton thing in this with Jamie Farr, I was like, what are you doing, man? I love it. This is so pointless. But yeah, so he fixes the dude's tire for 200 bucks. And I love that this young, poor couple who never even changed clothes throughout the course of this movie just have 200 bucks to pay for this. Yeah. Just in his pocket, in crumbled up bills, he just managed to be like, here you go, here's $200 bills. 200 big ones. What? I love they wanted to introduce the idea that this guy is way overcharging them because he knows he has them over a barrel and also because he doesn't want to go outside because of the risk. So it's like these two things happening at once. So they have him overcharged, but then they don't go, oh, wait a minute. He's price gouging like shitty.

big dreams, move to Hollywood and get famous teenagers. They won't have the money. Yeah. Instead, they just go, hey, they just do. No, I thought, honestly, when that scene started, I thought for sure he was going to say, yeah, sure, we will. And then they'll just drive off without paying him. But no, he just has hundreds of dollars on him at all times. So he pays the guy. The guy just basically is creepy and gives him a bunch of warnings. Clark does ask to use the bathroom. And when he goes inside, he decides to snoop for some fucking reason. He hears a dog whine. And instead of going like, oh, this guy must have got a new dog. He's like, that story about the dog was bullshit. This place could only have ever had one dog on the property.

this man would clearly never have a picture of a dog up if he still didn't own it. I gotta go find this dog. And I'm like, what the fuck is happening right now? I will prove this gas station attendant's a liar. Why? Like, if I have to use the bathroom and I'm going to someplace and I hear a dog whine, I'll make a note to be like, I gotta go back and find that dog. But first, it's bathroom time. I gotta go to the bathroom. And I'm not gonna go look for the dog because what if I'm wrong and I end up finding Sloth? I don't need to go on a long, heartwarming adventure. Especially because his trip takes him, like, down into the basement of this place. Just stay to the right, man. Just fucking stay to the right. My man. But yeah, he gets...

you know, before he can actually find anything, shoot off by shotgun-wielding gas station attendant. Yeah. They fuck off, and then the gas station attendant goes to feed Lady his dog, and it comes out from a blanket, and it is a little snake dog. It's a snake puppet dog. It kind of looks like Boney from that, uh... You're not wrong. No, I know I'm not. I can't remember what that show was called. Leave me alone! Hopefully that'll help a couple of people get there. The puppets in this are...

The best word I can say is we would put them on the fridge. Oh, man, I'm looking up pictures of Boney right now and I'm like, yeah, more or less. Yeah, that's about right. Can you please look up what the show is called? Wienerville? I don't know. Yes, he was on Wienerville. Fuck yeah. There we go. That's right. Mid-period Nickelodeon. Fucking Wienerville was awful. Anyway. So bad.

Better than this. I would have rather watched Wienerville, the same episode, repeated for the runtime of this. They get to a small town, a weird little small town where Jamie Farr's character is there. Yeah, they go to unload because they're at their hotel room for the evening, and that's when Clark gets bit, and... I like that they don't have filming at nighttime money for this fucking shit. So there's a part where he reveals he's been snake bit to these people who are like, oh, let us help you, let us help you. And then the woman who has her daughter out there with her doesn't want to be a part of this, so she just goes, we have to go. It's Lori's bedtime anyway. It's fucking noon. The sun is dead overhead. No one is casting a shadow. What are you talking about? It's her bedtime. We're going in the house. Just be glad we didn't shoot day for night. Now, there's also some weird hippie guy there who's like, oh, you don't want to let that venom get through your bloodstream. Let me tie that off.

You thought that guy would matter? I thought the fact that he tied it off meant like, oh, that's why it's just the hand. But then it wasn't just the hand. No. And I got very sad. Yeah, yeah. So this weird hippie dude who does not matter ties it off. There's a lot that doesn't matter here. The only character that's going to keep going after this is, what's Harry? Harry Morton. Harry is the dude who comes up and is like, hi, I'm sort of a doctor. Let me help you. I'm traveling salesman Harry Morton, and I got anti-venom for you. And he just randomly...

has fucking anti-venom in his briefcase. I hope that briefcase is refrigerated. It isn't. So he's like, yeah, he probably got bit by like a rattlesnake because that's the most common type of snake in this area. So let me just give you some snake anti-venom and gives him a shot. And while he's giving him a shot, we get the comedy stylings of random hotel clerk man who is just also here and is afraid of needles and wants to drink vodka because he's scared of needles but also barfs up the vodka. And it's just... I mean, Sidney Lasik is...

the guy who was doing this, who has been in a million things. He's definitely that guy. Yeah, he is the, I'm the sort of bumbling guy in a million different things, probably most notably One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest. Yeah. But he's just doing his shtick. Yeah. But why is he doing, why does this movie need this guy? He's in two scenes. It's so weird, because these are, like, Jamie Farr and Sidney Lassick are the two biggest name people in here. They are in the scene together, and then they somehow managed to convince Jamie Farr to continue being in this movie. Yeah. Sidney's only in one more scene. Yeah. It's just so weird that they got them and then went, oh, and you're not.

really a part of this, by the way. Like, don't worry. We just need you for like five minutes of shtick and you can go. Yeah, yeah. So he kind of just goes, ooh, needles, kind of stuff for a while. Well, he gets the shot and this does help make Clark feel better. So they go to spend the night in their hotel room. We have a far the fuck too long love scene that's just dark and arms moving around in the dark. Oh yeah, we got a couple Lisa Clark love scenes where you see nothing. Like, not just you don't see any sexy stuff, like you literally see nothing. It is just pitch black. Yeah, you can't see shit because it's Laurie's bedtime. Yeah. So you're not going to see anything.

But it just goes on for fucking forever. They just have like a shitty little piano music. There's also, I just want to mention this. This happens, I think, in the scene where they're driving over the snakes. There's a part where a song comes on and I was like, Jesus Christ, this song could bore like a nuclear explosion back into its shell. It's so fucking bad. This had better be diegetic. And then it turns out that, yes, it's Lisa singing and playing the guitar. Yeah, Lisa.

I think she thinks that's why she's going to California. Yeah, there's sort of a bare idea here of she is a singer, songwriter, musician type, and that's why they're going, and Clark is just sort of also coming along. Yeah, well, if that's the kind of music she plays, they're going the wrong way. And also, she won't make it. No. But yeah, anyway, they go to the hotel room, have a long, tender love scene that doesn't matter for shit. The next morning, Clark gets up to go off and do something by himself. I think he's washing the car, and the snake shows up again.

but just sort of slithers around under the blankets while Lisa beats the fuck out of it with her guitar. Yeah. You never see the snake. You just see an arm wriggling around under the blankets from just off screen. And then a blood pack that they put under some sheets that you could hit and it would explode because that's all that happens. Yeah, she manages to hit the snake hard enough that it explodes like a water balloon full of blood, which is weird. Yeah, because it's just like, and especially given that you're like, oh, you just put a fucking blood pack underneath some sheets. Yeah. Because she hits it once and it is just like. Yeah, it goes out like that fucking toxic waste guy in Robocop. And then fucking.

They just leave. Yeah, they just skip town. Without telling anyone. Yeah. Because the next time we see it, the cleaning lady comes in and screams and leaves because no one informed anyone they had a dead, bloody snake in the bed. Yeah, they just. What the fuck, guys? I'm sure they went back to City LASIK and he was like, what can I do for you? And they're like, no, we don't. You know what? No, good. Pass. All right. Thanks, Napoleon. We're going to check out. So, yeah, this. But that's where Harry.

When they find the snake, he's like, oh shit, that's a Bushman. I gave him anti-venon for a rattler and not a Bushman. This is fucked up. He'll probably end up dying unless he gets the right one. I'm like, dude, it's a little past time now. Your window has closed. I'm not 100%. It's not like I'm an anti-venon expert. This isn't really my field of expertise. But do you think if you got hit with a dose of rattlesnake anti-venon and you didn't have rattlesnake poison in you, it would also kill you? I don't know. I don't know. His concern is that he's going to get sued. These two dumb kids are going to come back and find this random guy in this random town who is a traveling salesman. They will never find him.

I do love looking this shit up and be like, oh, best results within the first four hours, but effective up to two days. And I guess we might run up to them within, I feel like it's, if it's two days, it is the tail end of two days. It's not like it matters. It's like a mutant snake or it's a mutant Bushmaster snake. I also love that it's supposed to be just like a local snake that got mutated. When he's like a Bushmaster, these aren't found around here. I'm like, wait, when they were doing the nuclear testing at Yellow Sand, did they just import a bunch of exotic snakes to see what would happen? Apparently. Why is the snake here? Why would you bother? Part of when they were having the conversation, it was like, oh, it mutated or whatever. And I'm like, so are you saying a...

A snake that wasn't a Bushmaster mutated into one? Is that what we're going with? I think they just use the term mutate the way like the Teenage Ninja Turtles shows did, where they're just like, it just does whatever. Sometimes it turns you into a turtle ninja or a rat ninja. Sometimes it turns you into a bucket with a brain in it. And I'm not talking about Krang. I'm talking about mutagen man. It just does whatever. Mutation? It does whatever the fuck. Yeah, and that's true here. But yeah, so now he's on the chase for them because he has the right antivenom and he still wants to give them. And also he just wants to talk them into signing a release waiver. Well, yeah, because he talks to his lawyer and he's like, dude, you gave this guy the wrong antivenom.

Now, if he dies, you could be held liable for that. So you need to either get him to sign a waiver or, you know, give him the right stuff and make sure he lives. Yeah. Because if this guy dies, Lisa will fucking sue you into the ground. Luckily for Harry, he has a way to find them. You see, he uses his CB radio a lot and is friends with the three most annoying small-time character actor truckers in the world. Goddamn. So this whole thing with Harry and trying to track them down is so weird because, again, you could take the Harry character out of this movie. Like, the whole anti-venom thing doesn't...

do anything to the plot. It's got nothing to do with nothing. His actual interactions with anyone in this movie has nothing to do with anything. Outside of the one scene where he gives the shot and then one more scene where he finds Clark in a hospital, they basically do not interact at all. Yeah, he's at the climax as well, but he might as well have just been a sheriff at the time. He doesn't do anything related to his story. No. So yeah, he just gave more business to Jamie Farr because he just talks to three truckers.

Death Wish, a trucker who wants to kill people? He's just like a wannabe murderer. He's the least important one. There's Beef, and Beef is a big beardy guy who's laughing about everything, and is just sort of like, what if Santa was a trucker? Yeah, he's like a toothless dummy, and he thinks everything's funny. And then Flo, who is also his, like, trucker girlfriend? I guess not side piece, like he's married or anything. His BFF. It's his trucker girlfriend. Yeah, FWB is what I meant to say. Yeah, trucker girlfriend. And so he gets on the CB radio and just says every CB word.

He has a sentence where he's just like, all right, come on back now. We got some slappers on the rail down side, sunny side up. Where are them smokies? Come back 10-4. Okay, you go ahead. He's like, none of that was right, dude. And I'm looking for two kids in a silver Jeep. Come on back, radio, slap side, maple syrup. Hauling a load of jigsaw plate to Chickasaw. Just don't, man. Just don't. You need to find someone who knows this shit or just don't. Or I guess it's his character trait. But all the truckers love him anyway. He's best friends with these motherfuckers. All three truckers that exist in the world love him and are always in radio distance of him. Yeah, and also always near this Jeep.

Yeah, for some reason, all three truckers and him are always within radio distance of each other and right near where this Jeep is. Now, it makes sense for Jamie Farr's character to be near him. He's following them. He wants to find them. But I'm like, dude, we established at least one point that I think Death Wish and Beef are going opposite directions, and yet they remain in the same, like, zone. Well, yeah, Death Wish is effectively useless. He is...

a character who's there for one joke, which is that he wants to kill people. He's like, oh, I think I found him. You want me to get him? Yeah, because the one time he says anything, he says, I think I found him. I found the Jeep. I just passed him. They're going south out of Truth or Consequences, which is in New Mexico, and our main character is in Arizona. It's like a six-hour drive between them, so he is useless. He will never matter. I only knew Winslow's in Arizona because of the fucking Jackson Brown song. I think that's right. Was that an Eagles song? Well, I mean, when they pulled into the, I think the station right after they got out of...

uh, like snake territory. They had just entered Texas. And I'm like, man, for you two within like a few hours of leaving Texas to then be like, and now we're in New Mexico. I'm like the fucking hell you are. I've driven that shit. No, you are not. They kind of play fast and loose with, uh, with some of this stuff. Yeah. Like I don't even, I don't think Yellow Sands is a real place. No.

It sounded real enough that I was willing to kind of believe it. I was like, I feel like I've heard of a place called Yellow Sands in like New Mexico or something. But I think it's actually like White Sands or something. But yeah, they just got to play fast and loose with that part of the country. Just don't worry about it. No, everything that's like the Southwest is basically right next to each other in this movie. Yeah. So anyway, we got to accelerate the plot.

Okay, so they skip town. They fuck off. Harry is in pursuit. And, uh... Clark's hand is fucked up. We get the scene where they go to a bar at one point, and this is where the whole, oh, it's taking control, this bite. Yeah, because he's getting worse and worse, and he's kind of turned into like a...

He's getting sweaty and fucked up. Yeah, he won't talk to people. He's just sitting there nursing a beer. And they're in a cowboy bar where I thought violence was going to happen outside. I don't know if that was just me, but there's a shot of them parking. And then immediately they get flanked by two cars full of cowboys who walk around front. Hey, what are you all doing here? She's pretty. Where are you going? I'm like, they didn't leave a room to open their car doors. They're slapping the hood. This is an assault. This is being filmed as if it's an assault in progress. 100%. And it is not. It is just happy cowboys welcoming new strangers to their bar. Yeah, because in the middle of it, I'm like, oh, shit's about to go down. And then someone just goes, hey, let's get a drink. And everyone leaves. You're like, okie doke.

But one of the cowboys inside the bar goes up to Lisa and is like, hey, let's dance. And she's like, hey, Clark, you mind if I go dance with this guy? Because I want to dance. And he's like, sure. No, she doesn't have any agency at all. She just goes, I've been dying to dance. And then the cowboy guy turns to Clark and is like, hey, now don't worry there, Mr. Man. I'll bring her back to you in one piece. And he just goes, I know you will. I know. Yeah, because he's all emo now because he's got a snake hand. Yeah. That's how it goes. That's how it goes. You get real emo with a snake hand. If your teen is showing signs of turning emo, make sure they're not hiding one of their hands from you.

If they've got weird gloves on, make sure that hand ain't a snake. Yeah. There's only two paths you can go down once you get snake hand, and the other one is you, like, join the Serpent Society and menace Captain America. I guess you could also threaten He-Man. I think that was a thing. Probably. But I don't know enough about it. I mean, maybe menace the Joes if you got really fucked up. If you were once a man. If you were once a man, but now you are snake on top. Yeah. Anyway. They dance, and when she comes back, he smacks her, and...

You know, this leads to, of course, the guy she was dancing with is like, I'm going to beat the shit out of you when he goes to hide in the fucking restroom. Because he locks himself in the shitter in the restroom. This is a weird sequence. They filmed this cowboy dude who asked her to dance as if he's going to be a big menace, as if he's a problem for them. And I get the idea that it's like a juxtaposition. Like, he's not. He's just a friendly cowboy who wants to ask a lady to dance. But we have to watch him notice her from across the bar, look around all evilly, peek around from behind a tree. Oh, for sure. If this was any other movie, this would have been like, oh, he goes and, you know.

He's the Lothario. Yeah, he tries to dance with her and then he gets a little too handsy and our hero comes in and beats him up and is like, hey, you get your hands off her. He still does get a little too handsy. There's a shot of Clark looking back at them and he's got his hands on her ass. Not that Lisa gives a shit. No, she doesn't care. And when they come back up, he also pats her on the ass and does a little chin lift thing with one finger, which is extremely invasive. So you're like, oh, I get it. This is going to be the scene where he rises up and now he has snake strength or some shit. But no, instead, this is the good guy and a victim. The fucking movie feels like it was filmed in 1980, not 1989. It's so weird. And then Clark, like, when he's hiding in there, the guy comes in and is like,

dude, you don't fucking hit women. Like that's fucked up. You want to slap someone around? You slap me around. And I'm like, this is the hero of the film, my man. Yeah. Our dude with the snake hand is in the bathroom after having just hits a lady. And they're the guy that they had done all of the like.

camera and cinema tricks to make you go, oh, this is going to be a bad guy who needs to get it. And I directed him to constantly touch this taken woman's, this monogamously committed woman's ass. All the cinema shortcuts to go, this guy is a bad guy. Yeah. And then everything out of his mouth is like, no, we treat women with respect around here. Yeah. And I'm like, what is going on in this movie? Or is that just one more proof that this is absolutely shitty? That you just didn't know how to frame a scene? But yeah, he comes out and then...

basically breaks this guy's hand with his snake hand. Yeah, yeah. His snake hand has super strength. So he just sort of grabs it in a nice, cheap special effect. The guy just goes, ow, my wrist is broken. Ah, my arm. It's definitely broken. Ah, my arm. Someone fully in break sounds. Yeah. Then he runs away and just sort of slumps down outside the bar. Lisa, of course, comes out to get him. They get in a car, drive to a hotel. And she's like, look, in the morning, you can drop me off at a bus station. Anywhere. I don't care. We're done. And kicks him out. And like when she leaves the hotel room in the morning.

finds him having slept outside in the fucking grass. Yeah, she doesn't even kick him out. She's just yelling at him and trying to get him to answer a question. Because she's just like, what the fuck are you doing? What is happening? What is happening to us? We recently had a conversation where you swore you'd never hurt me. What is going on? You said you'd commit Harry Carey before you ever laid a hand on me. I wish you hadn't. I wish you didn't say that, but you did, and that's the line. You said you'd commit Harry Carey before you admitted that you have a spirit animal.

But yeah, he goes and slumps down outside. He just gets up and leaves. And then slumps down outside. She picks him up. She is driving now because he's too fucked up to drive. She's driving to the bus stop where she's just going to let herself go somewhere other than him when he decides to just finger her with his gross steak hand wrapped in several inches of toilet paper. I don't know what's supposed to be happening. Does she have a toilet paper fetish? What is she getting from this? It's so weird because instead of the second his hand starts to move towards her, like slapping it away, she just sort of like looks down, watches what's going on, and then gets real into it. They stop at a roadside barn and then have a in-the-dark love scene. And then...

Next scene, he's driving and everything is fine. I'm like, what just happened? I guess Snacks temporarily cured the snake-isms. And then they get... pulled over by the cops and our man is super angry and you know when they pull him over he's like hey fuck you and so the lead sheriff is just like oh you sass me boy that's gonna be it for you you gotta get out of the car and he's like no I don't think I do yeah he just refuses everything where's your warrant he's like warrant I don't need no warrant I'm a sheriff in the 80s he's right he really doesn't need a warrant he has probable cause and it's a car so but yeah he's just like well why don't you get out and let me see the back which is the only thing he agrees to which is wild because he's got a rifle back there clattering around yeah He, for some reason, like the first thing he asks is to let me see the hand and he won't, but he will open up the back where the rifle is. And he's like, oh, I've got a permit for that. I have a permit. Not my county. So then he's just like, oh, I can smell drugs a mile away. You're a druggie. And I'm like, that's a weird thing to jump to, but okay. Yeah, what you're probably smelling is the giant piles of Nickelodeon brand green slime that they put everywhere for people to stick their hands behind and find. That keeps happening throughout the movie. Lisa keeps reaching behind the seats of the car and being like, oh, gross. I forgot there's a huge amount of gack back there. Like someone said, I don't know. Oh yeah. Also, she's traveling with a bunch of birds in a cage after they have barn sex in the dark.

Uh, and he's driving. She notices that the birds are gone and he's just like, I let him out. I'm like, dude, the only reason for those birds to be there was for a scene where you eat those birds. Yeah. And you didn't even include that scene. No, we know it happened, but we don't see it. There is a shot of him drinking a beer that supposedly has a fly in it. That's the closest to him voluntarily doing anything gross. So, uh, so yeah, we, but yeah, she's like, I let him out. And I, I, I glad we skipped the shorthand for this. She doesn't go, what the fuck? You let my birds out. I'm breaking up with you until you finger me.

The cops end up, because he refuses to take the bandages off of his hand, they're like, great, well then I'm going to arrest you then. And put him into the back and take him away. for a long fucking boring story drive. Leaving Lisa alone without keys to the fucking Jeep. So she just gets to stand there. Yeah, she's told to meet them at the sheriff's office in an hour, but I don't know how they expect her to get there. But yeah, once we're in the sheriff's car, it's just like, well, these characters might as well have some business. We got a movie to fill. So the sheriff gets on the radio to tell a story about his deputy that's sitting next to him to another sheriff somewhere where he's just like, yeah, he tried to arrest everyone in the cat house and they handcuffed his hand to his dick. Except that instead of the version where I just told you what happened, it takes 10 fucking minutes. Yeah, because of course, Clark in the back is...

Having a, you know, terrible transformation sequence, except he's not. He's having an under bandages transformation sequence. Yes. And so he's moaning and sweating. They're like, oh, well, son, you're all hopped up on goofballs and this is for the best. It'll get it out of your system. But it just takes forever to get through. Yeah, it's just fucking boring. Anyway, eventually it gets bad enough that they stop to go take a look at him. Barney goes into the back as the deputy and.

The snake hand, which again, we do not see snake hand. Like, that's the big thing here. His hand is turning into a snake. Yes. That's like the big reveal that we will get in another like 30 minutes from now. You want the spoiler? He's got a snake hand. Also, the rest of him is snakey, but not turning into a visible snake in any meaningful way. But he, instead of snake hand being like, ah, my hand bit you or whatever, he just jams it down this dude's gullet and rips.

his heart out through his throat. In a scene that takes like three minutes for some reason, I think they thought the special effect looks good, but in order to make sure that you can't see it, the deputy has his hand right over where the face snake interaction is happening, and so it's just a shot of a dude's shaky hand for several minutes as he goes, and there you go. Yeah, and the actual sheriff manages to survive because he was taking a piss, and then instead of killing him when the sheriff comes over to look, he just gets like knocked out, and then Clark runs away. Clark runs away, somehow gets perfectly clean, not sweaty, clean clothes, and goes and finds Lisa again. Yeah.

Get back in there. They fuck off. And she's like, he's already really, really sick again. So she's like, let me take you to a hospital. And as he's like... For some reason, he's like, no hospitals. And I'm like, why? Why? That's the snake hand talking. I don't want anyone to know about my snake-ness. It's also the snake hand that hit Lisa. This is why he's so... This is the evil of the snake hand. But even he doesn't know he has a fucking snake hand yet. He just knows he has an evil hand. He knows something's going on. He knows he killed that deputy. He knows some shit is happening. But he doesn't want to tell anyone about it. Probably because he's killed a couple of people at this point.

Just one, just the deputy. He's killed one, he's broken a wrist. Yeah, it is an hour into the movie, and he kills the deputy. It is the second death of the movie. I assume that we watch the second gas station attendant get killed by a snake dog. We assume that the gas station attendant got killed by a snake dog puppet, but we don't get confirmation on that. Yeah, we don't know. That might have just been like when Kermit went after Vincent Price and his vampire fangs. He's like, oh, you got me, blah, I'm a vampire snake dog. But yes, they take him to the hospital, he gets brought in, and the doctor cuts away the bandages, and even then...

We just see the hand. It's like, what's this? Oh, someone put some goop on a regular ass hand. It's a gross hand. And she like backs away scared. I'm never sure if that's supposed to be a doctor or a nurse, but she's doing doctor stuff. It's a doctor. It's a doctor. Yeah, she introduces herself once as Dr. Martyr and that's it. Because I was like, oh, you're a martyr? That's an interesting name for your doctor, Dr. Martyr. The only thing about, the reason I thought she might be a nurse is because the only thing we know about this place, they're in Winslow, Arizona now. And the only thing I knew about that place besides that there's a girl on the corner. And by the way, I was right. It's both. It's a Jackson Brown written song that the Eagles performed. There you go. Anyway.

is that beef, the trucker beef, the trucker beef with no teeth. He mentions that he sees them pulling into Winslow and Marty or whatever is Harry is like, well, what's in Winslow? Nothing. Except in that brand new hospital they got out there. Oh, a new hospital. What's in that? Nothing. Except about 40 or so sexy hot nurses. And he's like, okay, I guess that's a setup. No, the hospital has one employee. Yeah, they have one. We see the doctor and one nurse at a station when Harry gets there. And that is it for this entire hospital.

So the doctor goes off to, she basically cuts loose the bandage, gives this guy a sedative, or Clark a sedative, and then goes off and picks one of those mobile tape recorders up and starts being like, hypothesis. You know, as doctors do when standing about, ooh, 20 feet from the patient, they're like, this, my patient's hand is all fucked. Hypothesis. Snake fucked his hand up. And you're like, what is happening right now? Symptoms presenting. Hypothesis. Prognosis. Diagnosis. Like, shut the fuck. Sherlock Holmes. Right? Just go do something. He's still sitting there. And, I mean.

she's got an x-ray of his hand, which I was like, when the fuck did you manage to get this idiot to an x-ray machine? I assume he was unconscious at that part. But the x-ray's like, oh, this hand's way more snakey than our actual makeup department has managed to make his hand. Basically, after she cuts the hand loose and goes back to see him again, there's a shot of like an eye opening. Yeah, it's supposed to be like, ooh, there's an eye in his hand because his hand's a snake now, except all we ever get is a very tight close-up on it. And when I saw it, I was like, where's that supposed to be opening from? Is that on his hand? Where is that? Here's a problem I'm running into. I'm not super associated with the horror tropes of the 80s and 90s, so I'm not...

accustomed to screaming mad george and his work so to me this all fucking sucks and i hate everything and i'm like is it because they gave him like no money at all is he usually very good like normally he does very weird body horror stuff so like a dude whose arm is turning into a snake is the type of shit that you're like yeah that's the stuff that this guy would normally love to do oh look at this cool thing he did like oh he Oh, shit, he was the guy behind Big Trouble on Little China's special. See, now I'm like, oh. No, Screaming Mad George is a fucking name. He is a wronged man in that case. I'm not calling him out. They gave him $5 and were like, turn a man's hand into a snake and he went, I guess. He did the fucking rat fink there. Look at that. That looks rad as fuck. Yeah, man. He did, if you, I mean, obviously you've never seen Society, but he did the shit for Society and the special effects for that are fucked up. Okay, I'm now on team Screaming Mad George. It's not his fault this shit looks like this. Someone did him wrong. Yeah, they just did not give him a budget to work. Yes. So.

He ends up, very heavy air quotes, ripping the doctor's jaw off. Yeah, which is the lead shot. Like, if you watch this on YouTube or something, that shot of her not having a jaw is the scare shot that they use to try and sell you this. Except it just looks like her jaw has a red thing on it. Yeah. Again, it was one of those shots where I looked at it and I'm like, God damn, you tried your best to hide what is going on here, but you did not get anything to work with. No, no, no. So from now on, I'm sympathetic. The plight of the working visual effects artist. Yeah, the plight of the screaming special effects artist. Because when I watched this, I was like, Jesus, this is my unvarnished reaction to this.

Fuck, did they make this just in hope that Fangoria would mention them because it was about snakes and snakes have fangs? Is that the whole point of this movie? So, then Harry shows up, finds... Clark and the dead doctor. And then his entire thing is just, oh, I'm sorry. Oh, no. He does. The thing is, they don't interact. There's never a shot of them two in the same screen. I 100% guarantee you they shot this afterwards. I'm sure they did. Are they together in the shot when he gives them the shot? I think there is a shot. Yes, they are together when he gives them the shot for the antivenom. And after that, everything else looks like they put it in afterwards. What I was going to say about the Harry goes to the hospital scene is that it's another one where you're like, when the fuck was this film? Because it is him.

muttering and stuttering his way through apologies and excuses and trying to get away from a person while backing slowly away from a very slow-moving camera. It's one of those. It's the kind of thing you'd see in a 60s cheapie. Yeah, it's weird. It's weird choices that you're like, oh, the reason they did that is because they didn't have the ability to do anything more or you're trying to build suspense. But you've already given away the goose that this is a fucking snake hand, so it's not like, ooh, we're doing the camera pushes in on a guy while he backs away because we want it to be mysterious. Stay away from me, whatever you are. You're like, we know exactly what it is. It just killed someone in a previous scene. We already did that. You don't have to do the camera chases a guy bit. Yeah, except...

It's just there because they were like, oh, we already finished with fucking J. Eddie Peck, the guy playing Clark. So, all right, here we go, Harry. We're going to push it on you. Yeah, it's wild. The whole hospital scene to me felt like a late 50s, like, second-run B-movie. Like, people are supposed to be making out not watching this. Because you also have the scene of the doctor doing that whole, like, diagnosis. A significant round of things may occur. I believe this was caused by a mutated snake. Oh, yeah, if this was the 50s, this would have been Deep Voice Man. It would have been Deep Voice Beard Man at the beginning of the movie, who's all like, hello, I have invented a radio that can communicate with the dead. Yeah, no, this is 100% a scene in a 50s horror film where someone's like...

I believe that snakes have mutated. For you see, in Venom, and you just have one of those moments. Yeah, you have a chuckle fuck, like his assistant come in and be like, well, golly boss, I ate a snake for breakfast last Tuesday night. I meant morning. Yes, but normal snakes. These, however, are mutant snakes. For you see, DNA. And you're like, yeah, yeah, okay, we get it. You're a genius, Dr. Hollister. Also, I've got my dick stuck in your pencil sharpener again. The first ever electrical one. I invented it. To kill your dick.

That's right. I invented the electric pencil sharpener to kill your dick. It's all here in my novel, to kill your ditty bird. Clark takes off. Yeah, he escapes the hospital and goes to a gas station. He goes to yet another gas station. Our third gas station and our third gas station attendant. Thankfully, this one doesn't have to say anything. He goes into the bathroom and after some struggling manages to chop off his snake arm. And I was like, neat. What a neat thing to do to be like, oh, we got like 15 minutes left. I'm going to chop off the main thing that is the driving force of this. And I went, huh. All right. Because up until this point, I thought, oh, they...

The tourniquet in the very first scene where he got bit stopped the mutated venom from getting anywhere but that arm. So that's what's mutating. Yeah. This is one of like six points of the movie where I pause just to see if it was fucking over. How much left? Is this the end? Because he chopped off his arm. Are we done? Well, I mean, obviously I checked the time when the deputy died because I was like, all right, time of first death. I always love to know that in a horror film. And when it's two thirds of the way through, I'm like, man, this had better have been a real fucking good movie for you to have waited this long. Yeah. Yeah. So yeah, he chops his own arm off, escapes, finds the sheriff and Lisa driving around looking for him and hides in a truck when...

I guess just because I couldn't think of another way out, a Pennsylvania Dutch Christian scientist old man wearing a straw boater gets into the car and sees him and is like, I don't wish you no harm now. Like it's a fucking, how many Amish Christian scientist types are in Winslow, Arizona? It was such a wild fucking choice because the guy gets in and I was like, oh, okay. Well, he's not like kicking him out. Oh, I guess he's going to another assault thing. What? I was like, oh, he's going to youth in my car. He's going to try and save this guy. Yeah. But then he opens his mouth and I'm like, what the fuck choice did you make here? Yeah. You have made the safest.

dumbest, easiest choices up until now. And then the guy you got to play this is like, let me be like Swedish for some reason. He's like, sure, why not? He's Pennsylvania Dutch. That's why I was like, what the fuck? Is there a contingent of those folks living in fucking Winslow, Arizona? Why did you do this? It was wild. Yeah, because he pops in and he's like, well, now the Lord, I can't do Southwestern, but his accent is, you know, very much Amish. He's like, well, there's a fine man in my truck. But he's like, the Lord tells us.

that we have to help people and not to ask questions. I'm going to help you. Yeah, the Lord has provided you to me to help. Yeah, but when he says it, it takes him forever to get in the car because he sees him through the window and very slowly considers his options, opens the door, looks around to make sure no one sees, gets in the car. And I'm like, this is the third time in this movie that you have filmed a victim of our main character as if he's about to assault him. Oh, yeah. Because the moment I saw it, I was like, oh, he's going to ask for a blowjob? Exactly. He's going to get in and ask for it. He's going to be like, well, now, I don't mind giving you a ride, but you're going to have to provide me with a little something something. As they pull off on a road somewhere in the middle of fucking hills of Arizona, the scrub land of Arizona. They filmed it that way. And instead, he's like,

a good christian man doing his duty to help someone that he found yes so he takes him home to his i'm gonna go ahead and say way too young and hot of a wife to be into this type of lifestyle yep well and their daughter who wants none of this bullshit oh the daughter's great because they're both like well you know we don't believe in medicine because the lord provides and that's all we'll have they stick tubes and things we don't we wouldn't even do that to the land i'm like no we do that to land all the time that's what watering plants is it's taking i don't know what irrigation is but uh but yeah just real real into it and then the daughter's like Yo, that shit sucks. I want to poke this guy's hand. When can I see his hand? I want to fuck with this dude. And I'm like, this kid's all right. It's important to note that he escapes in this guy's truck, but Lisa sees him escape and doesn't tell the sheriff. Yes. We have a scene of the sheriff being like, hey, don't you leave my fucking county. You stay in my fucking county or I'll come find you. We're not done until we find him. And I really wanted her to be like, oh, what am I, what am I, what am I gonna be charged with? What am I, am I under arrest or something? She's ultra passive. No, she's just like, okay, okay. But she doesn't, she doesn't tell him that she sees this person escape. Instead, she just...

follows that truck somehow and finds them at these people's house. Yes. Where they immediately try to set her down for dinner. They know who she is because Clark's talked about you. Well, come on in. He's resting. You can have dinner with us. You can't see him.

Like, what the fuck? Why is this so menacing? Why are you Amish? It's, again, so much shorthand for these are bad guys. And then you're like, no, they're just actually good Christian people doing their duty. And you're like, what the fuck is happening now? They really are just Amish people who took a wrong left turn. I guess that'd be a right turn at Albuquerque. So weird. And then eventually, depending on where you're heading from, she finds Clark upstairs and we get yet another pitch black love scene between the two of them. Yeah, probably fourth one, I think, because there's at least one where they have a long conversation while they're touching each other as well. So yeah, that happens. And then they're still doing fine together.

They go to sleep and then the daughter comes in to poke at the hand because she's got to do something. Yeah, she's got a big plastic sword and she pokes at the hand and a snake just sort of pops out of the wound of the hand. Yes. And then attacks and also has like super tongue in a couple scenes. Once we establish the tongue, it stops making sense entirely. Now he just has parts that aren't connected to him. He can shoot the tongue out because when the father comes in, it shoots the tongue around his neck and has enough strength to pull him in. So it's not just like, oh, I've got a snake coming out of my hand. I've got a weird mutant super snake with like...

I guess a grappling hook tongue. I guess he's Tongue Lashor, the He-Man villain. And yeah, but he doesn't kill the guy with a snake by biting or anything. He just flings this Amish dude against a wall and cracks his back of his head open. Yeah, he might not even be dead, but he just slams into the door jam. Yeah, and then he runs away. That's the only person who dies here. Lisa's being chased. He's stuck to the outside of the car. His creepy tongue is coming in through the air ventilation systems. Even when he gets flung off the car and reattaches himself to it, and there's no tongue coming off of him anywhere, this tongue is still just creepily menacing her from inside the car. So maybe that's a bonus snake? Well, it's the...

The hand snake is the one that's got the tongue. Yeah, but there are shots where he is separated from the car and you can see no connection. And then it cuts back to that fucking hand. They just didn't care. It doesn't. I was like, it's it has to be long enough that he can wave his snake hand around. And also the tongue can go in through the air conditioning to get to her arm. Yeah, because when she does finally cut the tongue off of her, he falls off of the car. Yes. Like this is what's holding him to the car. It hasn't been up until exactly that moment.

And also there's a great shot of his eyeball coming out. It's not a great shot because they couldn't afford to actually show an eyeball coming out of him. They could afford to have him close his eye for the rest of his appearance in the movie and do a shot of someone dripping an eyeball in clear gel onto a windshield. Yeah, they did a eyeball shot. They did his tongue falling out and they did a thing where he like vomits up a aspect of snakes. Yes, a bunch of tiny snakes. So we're in grossed out flavor now. This is the only part where they gave George any money. Yeah, they're like, all right, well, we're at 10 minutes left for this movie. Here you go. Go buck wild. He's like, finally, Jesus. Not too much money because the final villain is...

The cheapest thing I've ever seen. Jesus Christ. So they are at a construction site when all of this goes down. It's been raining. She is trying to get away in the mud because it's, I mean, we can't have a cheap ass horror film without our heroine getting into mud wrestling territory. And then the snake man drops down and is like, I'm going to kill you. And she's like, oh, you thought this was a fighting pit. This is an operating table. It's old enough. It could be a reference to this. It's not. It isn't. Even remotely. She tries to get away. And the fact that he barfed up little snakes and a bunch of snakes keep coming out of him. He just keeps barfing up snakes now. He's like a Pez dispenser for snakes. I was like, oh, that's neat.

Again, it was one of those things where I was like taking the direction where instead of going, this whole dude turns into a snake going like the route of a werewolf or like the fly or something like that, they were like, oh no, the venom from this mutated snake just turns parts of you into snakes. No, it's neat. It's a neat concept. It just isn't executed especially well. There is one cool shot here of him in a tunnel slithering as a human where you can tell he's trying not to, but his arm is forcing him to. So that was neat. It's all face down. I can't imagine our main actor was actually doing it. No, this last 10 minutes is basically they went, all right, fine. I guess here's what the movie is. Yeah, so she is...

Basically, the sheriff figures out where they are. I don't remember how. Pulls up to this place. I guess maybe he got a call from the people at the Amish house. Yeah, they were on the way because Harry's in the back of the sheriff's car having told everything to them. Oh, okay. And so they were like, oh, okay. And Flo's there too. Yeah, for some reason. Just for moral support for Harry. Just to be in the movie a little more. And he's told everything that he knows and what's going on. And they're like, okay, well, we...

tracked the jeep going to this house. So they're on the way to go get her and then they get a call that's like, oh, we found the jeep at this construction site. So then they head over to there. So they go there, they find the sunken in mud pit that she stuck in. There's snakes. Harry has fallen in and sunk, but then he pops back up right before they managed to get there with the rope and does the snake unhinging his jaw thing, except he just kind of folds his entire head in half backwards. Yeah. So a bone snake can come out and be the final boss. I was like, again, neat idea to go like, oh, a snake comes out and it uses like his spine as the body of a snake. And I'm like.

Neat idea. Screaming mad. You have neat ideas. They did not pay you to realize them, but you had some neat ideas. It's cool, but it looks like it's made out of McRibs. And again, the like, oh, she stabs Clark when he gets nearer. Oh, he does it to himself. He's like, he has a little moment of clarity where he pulls a pipe through himself to try and kill himself. But the whole like, and then the top of his head like unhinges and falls back. I was like, this is neat. If you had money to make this better.

The ideas are neat. So for this point, a big, ugly, terrible looking, way worse than the dog snake puppet bone snake comes out and starts slithering around in the mud. So we only ever see shots of like a spine slithering around in the mud. And then fucking Simon Belmont whips it and it dies. They keep throwing her a rope and she grabs it and then just will occasionally, I assume because the director told her to, just kind of let go and fling her arms sideways away from it as if it had delivered her a shock. Yeah, because it's just like, oh, she grabs hold of it, wraps it around her and they're like, pull, pull. And they get her like, you know, five feet and then she lets go. And I'm like, why? And it's not like it slips out of her hands, which is I'm sure the direction they were trying for. They're like, like.

You have to lose your grip on the rope. And she's like, oh, I understand. Like, spring away from it as if there were spikes in it? No, no, it's going to slip through your hands. You mean throw the rope away? No. Lose your grip. Well, I lost the grip. You mean T-pose as hard as I can? No, again, no. But yes, eventually, up from the mud comes the bone snake puppet, and Harry gets the big hero moment where, out of nowhere, he has a fucking shotgun. Somebody grabbed a cop's gun. Yeah, and he blows the snake up, and I'm like, my man, if you weren't going to jail before, you just grabbed a cop's gun.

You fucked up, my man. And then he's doing this like, yeah, shit, like he's riding on Falcor or some bullshit. And it's out of fucking nowhere. And the movie's just over. Yeah, I was going to say, and again, no shots where Lisa and Harry are together at this point. No. So there is zero crossover. Yeah. He shoots the snake, he's like, yeah, and then that's the end. That's it. We don't even get Lisa out of the pit. We're just done. Nope. It just splutters to a fucking halt. This was trash. Oh, my God.

Oh, right. I thought for sure we would end with like, because he barfed up a shitload of snakes, I was like, oh, there's a bunch of mutant snakes now. I was really expecting one snake to slither out. I was going to say having that shot where it's like, yay, we win. And then you just show one snake slither away somewhere and then you end the movie. I expected one snake to slither away and turn around and have his face. But you know, that would have been if this movie had the money. All right. So yeah, that was... Or one snake with a perfect human arm. Oh, you mean Trogdor. But the Vs aren't consummate.

did some chiaroscuro shading on there anyway god damn it anyway that shit is 20 years old i know so That is the end of Curse to the Bite. Let's go ahead and give our bests and worsts for this movie. Do you want me to start you with the worst so you have more time to think of something good? I was going to tell you my least favorite thing about this movie and the thing I hated about it the most. Why don't we start on the worst? The best thing in this movie is the performance of James Farr.

or whatever his name, Jamie Farr. He's good. He plays a slippery salesman. He's fun to watch. He has a lot of business. The movie, it does nothing, but at least you're hanging out with a beloved, well-known character actor who's doing an okay thing, and he's not connected to the movie, really, so he doesn't have the stink of it on him. So that's the best. I mean, really, what else is it going to be? Sure, fine. I mean, obviously, my favorite thing in this entire movie is the fucking snake dog puppet. That big rules. It is.

so bad and I love it so much. The first thing I saw when it came out and bit the guy, I was like, man, I see where he was going with that, but a Skeksis wouldn't wipe one of their six assholes with that thing. That thing looks like trash. It's so fucking bad. I love it so much because they just, instead of going, oh, we're going to give you a little peek as a little scare right when he just does the whole thing. They're like, nope, we're going to have it attack the attendant and you're going to get to see it. And I'm like, oh, you made a bad choice and I get to win because of it. All right, that's fair. All right, worst part of this movie for you.

I'm going to go ahead and say the worst part of it. I mean, what I really want to say is all the wasted characters that are just in it for no reason. But if I'm picking a specific thing I hate, it's going to be the long, boring love scenes that don't go anywhere. Oh, the pitch dark. It are filmed in pitch dark. Yeah. It's not like I'm saying I wanted to see some skin or whatever. That's not what I'm saying. Cut that shit. Oh, you did not need that. Tasteful fade to the window. Make your movie 84 minutes long. Done. Oh, yeah. It was the worst part for me. And this movie is all bad. I'm just saying. Oh, it's talked about. I don't know if this is the worst thing or the most baffling, but also all the shots of victims where they.

They very clearly set them up as like rapists and assaulters and so on. And they're not. They're just so incompetent at staging a scene that everyone they meet comes off like they're about to murder you. Oh, yeah. Everyone's got real threatening energy. Yeah, it's wild. Although that kept me watching. So I don't think I want to call it the worst thing. Whatever. What about you? Oh, it is 5000% the I'm going to finger you with my bandit. Yes. That is the worst thing in here because it comes right after.

drop me off somewhere. I don't want to see you. You hit me. And then she's like, ah, but you fingered me with nasty hand. No, we're all good now. What if you took your big old ultra flow tampon shaped lollipop hand and just rub me down there for a minute? It's going to feel like I'm getting off on a really absorbent pillow. God, that was fucking awful. I couldn't, while it was happening, I'm like, there's no way. There's no way you're doing this. I kept waiting for the slap away. I was like, when's the slap away going to happen?

But rating from zero to whatever. There you go. All right, we are going to rate the movie from zero to five. Each of us, we can get a rating out of 10. Jeff? 0.5. Probably the worst movie I've seen in three to five years. Hey, you saw Baby Ghost recently, my man. Don't you dare. Good Lord, you're right. I saw Baby Ghost recently. You saw Baby Ghost like a month ago. And I blame you. You should. Worst movie I've seen since Baby Ghost. Great. Worst movie you've seen this year? Yeah, that sounds about right.

Oh, don't you fret, baby boy. I'll find more. We'll watch Roller Gator or something else made by the baby ghost guy. What do you got? Oh, I'm going to give this, I'm going to go as far as a one. I think they, there's no movie here because 95% of this is just filler shit and they don't get to anything. I can't tell you how much of this movie is stock footage of trucks with people talking over it. It is. The problem I have is I'm like, I feel like so much of it is because they needed to put Jamie Farr in more of this, that this movie would have been like 20 minutes shorter without him. No, this is an episode of some horror anthology that got stretched for no good reason. And.

It's not, I mean, Baby Ghost was so much worse than this. Like, so much worse. Here's the thing. This tried. God bless it. It tried. Baby Ghost didn't try. They got me there. So I'm going to give it a one. We'll go a 1.5 out of 10 for Curse to the Bite. Thank you so much for joining us for our review. We will, of course, be back in another couple weeks with more Movie Mastery, as we do. But if you want to help support us, you like what we do here, there are so many ways you can do it. It costs you nothing to tell anybody about the show. If you like the show, let them know what we do. But...

If you want to help us out, keep the lights on, keep foods and mouths and shows of shittiness being paid for. Even keeping our equipment working. I just spent a bunch of money fixing the sole work laptop that has like 80% of our output on it. Oh yeah, God, we've... You know what? It's been a week. Jeff's had a week. I've had a rough week. I've had a death in the family. I've had a long life diagnosis of a new disease for myself. Daughter had COVID the whole time. And then computer blew up. And then my computer blew up right as everything was kind of starting to wind down. So, you know. Yeah, it's been a time. If you've ever felt like donating to us, now is a really good time.

So if you head over to Patreon at patreon.com slash system mastery, of course, anything you give helps there. We appreciate anything, but all of the levels, we do want to give something back. They all unlock bonus content. And if you want, we are just getting into our new season of TV mastery over at the $10 level. It unlocks all of our bonus content and we are doing very special episodes of sitcoms and we got another fucking doozy for you. This was the reason I said yes. So, uh,

go ahead and join us over on patreon.com slash system mastery. You can always, of course, if you want to, instead of sign up for anything like that, you can just go to system mastery podcast.com. If you want to give us a dollar or five bucks, there's a give us a money button. Yeah, there's all kinds of ways to support us. You can buy our books. You can come see us at shows. There's so many ways to be a part of the System Mastery Train and help us keep doing what we're doing. Yeah, and you know, if you want to join the community, if you've seen Curse to the Bite and you need to tell someone that you've seen this because there's a level of bad movie that you see where you have to tell people about it, you're like a prophet who has seen the horrid future and you must tell those around you, you can join our Discord. Go over on Twitter if you go to...

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