Hello, and welcome back to the Career Pivot Accelerator, the podcast that helps you grow, lead, and finally get recognized for the value you bring without burning out or losing your mind in toxic office dynamics. I'm your host Peggy McKnight, your personal career coach and secret weapon, and today we're pulling back the curtain on one of the most damaging behaviors happening in pretty much every office right now, even if no one's talking about it. What happens when co-workers project their insecurities onto you, through passive aggressive digs, subtle sabotage, and sometimes even outright malicious lies, just to make themselves feel better. Today's episode I've titled Decode the Drama and Reclaim Your Power.
This is going to give you the clarity, language, and strength to stop taking on other people's dysfunction as your identity. Let's get into it. First off, my friend, I would like you to know you are not imagining it. They, your co-workers, are projecting their insecurities onto you.
So let's start here. That feeling you get when someone says something to you that seems just well off. Like, it was wrapped in fake politeness but landed like a slap in the face. That's not you being too sensitive.
That's someone else's unresolved fear and insecurities spilling out in your direction. It's called projection. And it's everywhere at work. People, whether they realize it or not, do test others to see how they will react, see what's going to stick, see how they can get under people's skin, and then they just have fun with it, quite frankly.
I went to a recent team lunch and a colleague of mine turned to me and said, I defy you to find another job when we switch systems. Good luck with that. Now, this wasn't said in private. This was at a team lunch.
Full audience, full sting. At first, it really took me by surprise. But then, while knowing this person, it didn't take me by surprise, because they like to get a rise out of people. Whether they do it deliberately or not, that is their subliminal intention of what they want to do.
They want others to feel small because they feel small and insecure. When I realized this, this wasn't about me at all. This was their insecurity about their own ability to adapt. And when I examined the evidence, well, they've been doing nothing but incessantly complaining about the new system and how it doesn't work and how bad it is and oh, yada, yada, yada.
It just never ends. Instead of embracing change and moving forward and looking for solutions of how things could be done better, they just moan and groan about it. To be useful in the new system and to stay relevant, that's really where the goal is. Instead of things flying out of their mouths like a poisoned dart aimed at me or you, so they don't have to sit with their own fear or their own insecurities because of there could be a whole plethora of reasons why they are feeling the way they are, which is uncomfortable, fear and insecure about just their position within the organization, which if they just got on with their job quite frankly between you and me, they would be absolutely fine.
But projection is what insecure people do to feel powerful in moments when they feel threatened. So whenever this happens to you, I'd like you to say to yourself, their comment doesn't reflect my capability. It reflects their fear of being left behind. All right, please do write that down.
Make that your mantra among many mantras to really keep you grounded and solid in your truth and your own identity because if you let their words seep into your thoughts before you know it, you will have lost your identity and are just treading water like the rest of them. And I really don't want that for you, my friend. You are so much more worth than just playing petty games with people. So when someone suddenly becomes critical or dismissive or just weirdly competitive, especially when change is coming, like a reorganization or a new system or turnover of staff, it could be a whole host of reasons where why the organization is going through continual and constant change.
I'd like you to pause and ask yourself, what part of them is afraid right now? Try and put yourself in their shoes if that's at all possible, but just simply ask yourself what part of them is afraid right now and how are they trying to dump that fear onto me. All right, let's move on to the passive aggressive behavior or the art of emotional ambush. Not all projection is obvious, especially in the cold light of day.
Sometimes it wears a smile and a just checking in message. Passive aggressive behavior is really sneaky. It's the co-worker who excludes you from an email chain and then says, oh, I thought you were copied in. Oh, I thought you got that, right?
Questions, you were working in front of others. You finished that already? Wow, I'm just surprised. That's all.
Or they smile while saying something backhanded. Oh, you're so brave to speak up in meetings like that. I could never be that old. Do you kind of get the impression here about the passive aggressive nature of their words?
Ultimately passive aggressive is fear in disguise. A lot of these negative emotions are really rooted in fear, but passive aggressive is no different. It is fear in disguise. And it's ultimately someone trying to one up you without having the courage to do it directly and just talk to you like a normal human being.
A colleague once called another team member. I remember this ages ago and when they were on the phone, they were asking questions, but this person didn't do that type of work nor had they ever done that type of work. So I thought it was a bit odd how they would call them out of the blue. It just made no sense, but it gave them a chance to position themselves as the in-the-know kind of person and likely more than likely knowing what this person was like.
Ultimately, they just wanted to fish. They were on a fishing expedition. They wanted to gossip and definitely stir up drama, whether it be about you or somebody else that they had heard some juicy tidbits about and ultimately about leadership because they weren't exactly complimentary or supportive of leadership. It wasn't a mistake.
It was their really bad strategy. So when things like this happen, say to yourself, this wasn't a slip up. It was a sideways move to reposition themselves as important and edge me out of the spotlight. Ultimately, you will start to really identify the games that people play and unfortunately, people have not grown out of the playground.
They still behave like five-year-olds or like they're in high school, but you, my friend, you rise above it and you position yourself in strength and truth for what you know. There's no need for these games. Okay, my friend, I hope you're sitting down because we are going to get really honest and brutally honest about people's behaviors. So what we're going to move on to next is malicious intent.
When people try to tear you down to lift themselves up. So getting really honest here, sometimes it's not just fear. It is deliberate malicious intent. These are the people who take credit for your work, like to call you out in front of all of your other colleagues, tell lies to leadership to discredit you.
Or as I was sharing earlier, humiliate you in front of others with a laugh and a smirk. These are not nice people. They definitely have an agenda, whether it be hidden or not. And it is really not good.
They're not just trying to manage their insecurity. They're trying to climb over your back to feel powerful. The lie they tell themselves and others, if I make you look small, I feel big is ultimately what they're saying in their head. But here's what I want you to remember.
Their lies do not change your truth. Their drama doesn't define your direction. And their drama definitely does not define your identity. Always remember that.
So let's try a reframing exercise. I'd like you to take a moment to remember the last toxic comments someone threw your way. If possible, write it down. If it's not convenient, then just recall in your mind what that comment was, where you were, what the situation was.
All right. Now that you've got that in mind, now I want you to ask yourself, what were they actually afraid of? Can you think of anything that they might have possibly been afraid of? What were they trying to get out of it?
And then what does your reaction tell you about your values and your power? Now flip it, turn their venom into your power. That's where you really start to make moves to a leadership position, because their words, that's them. They can own it.
They can keep all their toxicity. You, my friend, are working on yourself, on your personal growth, and ultimately your next leadership position. So if you're having a hard time with this toxic comment that someone threw your way, try to maybe go for a walk or do something that will give you the freedom to think back in your career as to what kinds of things people have said. And if you can recall, excellent.
And then ask yourself, again, what were they actually afraid of? Can you think of anything that comes to mind? What were they trying to get out of it? And what does your reaction tell you about your values and your power?
All right, let me pause here and speak to your heart about why it hurts so much and why that's a good thing. You might be thinking, oh, why does this stuff get to me so much? Why do I keep thinking about it? Or why do I cry in the car or the bathroom after a meeting?
It's because you have a conscience, my friend. You care. You value fairness. And you were probably taught that hard work and kindness win the day.
So when someone lies, excludes or humiliates you, your system goes into shock. And yeah, it sucks. But I want to offer you this. The pain you feel is not a sign of weakness.
It's a signal that you are outgrowing dysfunction. You hurt because you are becoming more powerful. And they're trying to pull you back down, keep you small. Always remember that.
If you're hurting, it's because somebody else is trying to keep you in a nice little pigeon hole that you don't belong in. All right, let's move on to how to build your shield and move forward, but more importantly, without bitterness. So let's talk strategy. Here's how to protect yourself from these projection filled drama happy co workers.
Number one, don't internalize. Analyze. I know that is easier said than done, but do analyze what is going on. Ask yourself, what fear is this comment revealing in them?
Not what did I do wrong? Why are they picking on me? No, what fear is this comment revealing in them? Start to analyze that.
Number two, write a personal reframe. Turn your two emotional into I'm emotionally intelligent and aware of what others miss. Oh, that is so powerful. I'm emotionally intelligent and aware of what others miss.
Three, document, but don't dwell, especially if the behavior escalates. Keep records, keep her steeps, stay factual, but don't let it consume your peace. Document, but don't dwell. And four, keep your value visible.
Speak up in meetings, share your wins, let your work and integrity shine, even if others try to shadow it. Let your work and integrity shine. Because you, my friend, you're going places. You've got this.
So let's wrap this up with a reminder. They're not coming for you because you're weak. They're coming for you because you're strong, because you ask hard questions, because you care about doing things right, because you bring emotional depth to a system that often rewards shallowness. And that makes you dangerous in the best possible way.
So don't shrink, my friend. Don't silence yourself. And please don't believe the lies. Remember, you are not here to prove your worth to people who are committed to misunderstanding you.
You're here to lead, to rise, to elevate, and ultimately to trust yourself again. All right, my friend. Until next time, keep pivoting with purpose. Bye for now.