Depersonalisation — when Nathan lost his sense of self and nothing felt real

In 2008 Nathan Dunne was night swimming in Hampstead Heath in the middle of winter when a psychological catastrophe struck him. He felt his sense of self split in two, and an unbearable pain overtook him. He couldn’t work out what had happened to him, and neither could the doctors.CW: This discussion contains sensitive mental health details and mentions suicide.Nathan was driven to attempt suicide, and endured years of misdiagnoses from doctors and medications that didn't work.Nathan didn't have the words to describe the confusion, pain and splitting of self he was experiencing.For years, water was the symbol of his undoing.When Nathan returned home to Australia and his parents' care, his mum gave him a copy of his grandfather's war memoirs.Here, Nathan found a link that showed him the healing qualities and the beauty that were possible in water.Eventually, Nathan found a doctor who could explain his symptoms and finally give them a name — depersonalisation.Further informationIf you need help, you can phone Lifeline on 13 11 14.When Nothing Feels Real is published by Murdoch Books.Read more about dissociative disorders and depersonalisation on the NHS website.Read about dissociative disorders and depersonalisation specifically in relation to young people on the Orygen website.Find out more about the Conversations Live National Tour on the ABC website.Conversations' Executive Producer is Nicola Harrison. This episode was produced by Alice Moldovan.To binge even more great episodes of the ‘Conversations podcast’ with Richard Fidler and Sarah Kanowski go the ABC listen app (Australia) or wherever you get your podcasts. There you’ll find hundreds of the best thought-provoking interviews with authors, writers, artists, politicians, singers, psychologists, musicians, and celebrities.