You ready to do this? I'll take an intro song. Get me pumped up. It's gonna be loud. Oh, no way. Oh, my God. Didn't fix anything. Welcome, everybody, to episode 126 of One Million of the Serial Chillers podcast. As always, I ask, how goes it? Hello, Greg. I'm fucking awesome. Whoa. That was aggressive for Hello, Greg, at the beginning of the show, at least. You'll get aggressive at times. No, I'm starting strong, and then I'll just pee around as the show goes. All right, and that was the last time we'll see Hello, Greg. Wait.
And we are here with a couple people you guys know and love, as far as I know. Welcome back, Bigfoot and Robbie. What's up, dudes? Gary, hello. So we'll get a little bit more from you guys in a moment. In our move, we've lost theme songs again, so I apologize. If we find them before the publishing, we'll throw them on there. You don't get them live. Pretend they're there. Most of you guys know how the show works. Let me explain it for anybody that doesn't. Each week I sit down with old friends, new friends, good friends, and bad friends to tell them the story of an infamous serial killer, something true crime, dark, creepy, or otherwise mysterious.
If you have questions, be sure to chime in because I can't answer questions about questions if you never ask questions. What am I doing here? If I don't read it, I can't do it. I don't know. I thought that was it. Yeah, I think I'm just a little high right now. So be sure to ask questions about questions if I can never ask questions. Leave it all in.
To me, it's funnier when you hear him, like, get it, like, when you only put the third take, but then the rest of us celebrate the third take. Why are they celebrating that? Exactly. And you know what? It's a fun little thing for us. I mean, you can leave them all in if you want. But if you have questions about the questions, be sure to ask questions, because I can answer questions about questions if you never ask questions. Yay! Are there any questions? Then welcome to, and let's play, the Serial Chillers podcast. Yeah, I like that. Okay, I feel like I'm ready to go now.
Why does it feel like it's been seven months since we've done this for some reason? It's been seven long fucking days. True, homie. Okay, so, guys, today's episode, I titled it, Did you see that? That doesn't sound like a serial killer. We had a very heavy episode last week. We did Columbine. If you're listening to this, you probably already know that. Columbine, heavy cover. Did not want to go so heavy this week.
So what you guys have got, did you see that, colon, mythical creatures and cryptids. Ooh. Got to rise in my Levi's. I need to bow out now. Welcome to a serial chillers podcast that, you know, maybe is setting a little bit of a precedent for the future. There's only so many killers and murders that we can do before, listen, last time we stopped doing the show.
Because I just straight up got depressed during the show. If I can break it up with Greg putting together a nice episode every three or four and every now and again, I'll do something like this and everybody's happy, I hope. Skip this one if you hate it. I love you. Here's the deal. I know your level of research and I know my level of research, like when I do episodes. His level of research is much better than my level of research. So hearing him tell me about this stuff is way better than me going and trying to learn about it on my own. So I'm excited for what today has to offer. But if you're using the show for research... Don't. Of course, don't. But...
Or do. No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no. Don't tell people what they should and should not use as research. You're right. You can use this as research, but it's not a good idea. Yeah, true, true, true, true. Okay, so today's episode of mythical creatures and cryptids. Question number one. In what century was Porphyrius thought to have existed? Porphyrius. Porphyrius.
That sounds like... I don't even know what to answer here. Yeah, I mean, it's just a century. BC's in play, if you like. Ooh, BC's in play? BCE. So, like, all the way back. It could be. It could be. There's a lot of centuries, man. Is it like a... There is no hint. What year was the Big Bang? Zero. Bigfoot says, the 5th century. Robbie says, the 10th century. Give Bigfoot 250 points. Because Porphyrius was first recorded and thought to have existed in the 6th century near Constantinople.
Istanbul isn't Constantinople. What? I love that song. So, let's just say hello to the first question champion. Bigfoot, welcome back. Or, like, I don't know, like, probably literally your 19th or 20th time, something in that wheelhouse. Third time this season, though. Hey! I don't think I've won one yet this season, though. Who cares? What do you win when you win?
You literally walk out that door and you're like, ah, I'm the same person as that other person. There you go. Did you win last time, Robbie? Of course. Bigfoot, if you're not the most winning, you're still the most prolific with getting on the show, which is more than some people can accomplish. Yeah, I would say that like...
Yeah, I can't think of anybody who matches. Me. You don't count as a guest anymore. That's just saying. You've been on the logo and stuff for four years. I mean, when you hang around the front of a store for long enough, eventually they're hired. That's how I got hired at Onshore. And second time this season, I believe. Second time. Probably been here ten times or so. Probably ten. Somewhere in that range, too. Welcome back, Robbie. Hello. If we have theme songs, we've inserted them. Hey, man. How's it going, guys? How you feeling? Welcome to the new spot. Robbie and Bigfoot were the last ones to record in the old studio. This is their first time in the new studio.
It's very nice. Yeah, it looks very similar, I'm sure. I wasn't expecting there to be an adult man in the next room. Yeah, you know, it's called an executive office, you know, so we don't have the whole thing. I think he makes music. I don't know. We make podcasts, and he, unfortunately for him, works at like the exact same time as we do. So, you know, terrible luck for someone, not us. We're the loud ones. Welcome, guys.
I got a couple reference works. I'm just going to throw them in the show description because I forgot to put them in here. You guys check us out on all the social mediagrams. We're on everything. Go to SerialChillersPod.com for all the information. Most important thing right now, honestly, don't call us beggars, but check out the...
Check out the Patreon page. Give as little as $1 a month for the show. $1 gets you a shout-out. You know what? We'll get them in the next one for sure. I've got a couple shout-outs. I'm just putting it in there so you can be like, hey, remember where it is. I know, exactly. But yes, getting in there. $5 gets you episodes early. I mean, the levels go on and on. They get you products. They get you T-shirts. If you go high enough, Greg, tell me what they get if they give $10,000.
I call it the Mississippi dry rub, but it's basically where I put my hand in pine tar and then like rock salt and then jerk it off. Nope, nope, nope. We take them to Disneyland. It's Disneyland. But you can do Greg's thing if you want to. Can I get both? Yeah, it's $20,000 a month. Can I get the dry rub on the teacups? Whoa. It's like gravity do the work. I'm getting motion sickness and dry rub? Sick. For sure. I won't drown you guys with too much of the information, but JRealChillersPod.com has all of it if you want it. Are you guys ready for this? I don't know that you are.
Oh, yeah. Did I mention I've got four for you today? That's a whole gangbang of cryptids. Well, here's what I did. One of them, we've all in this room definitely heard of. You, I'm the least sure you've heard of, the three of us have. The other three, I think we probably have a very loose, like, well, yeah, I think I've heard of that. So I think I did a good job of not bringing, like, I wasn't like, all right, have you guys ever heard of Bigfoot? All right, pretty good. So in the 6th century near Constantinople, there was a large issue for anyone who was a Byzantine sailor or seafarer of any kind. The monster did not discriminate against size or type of ship.
A large military ship was just as likely to be attacked as a small fishing vessel. Placing yourself in the waters of the Mediterranean at this time was a dangerous game. The most dangerous place you could find yourself for a span of approximately 50 years was a place called the Bosporus Strait. Haunting this area of the sea was an animal that shouldn't have been. An animal far outside of its natural habitat. An animal with the habit of ramming and sinking ships indiscriminately for five decades. Question number two. What type of animal is Porphyrius believed to have been? Is it A, a whale? B, an octopus? C, a squid? Or D, a shark?
A whale, an octopus, a squid, or a shark? Robbie says a squid. Bigfoot says a whale. Give Bigfoot 250 points because yes, indeed. I'm done for in this one. Porphyrius. I know Porphyrius. Was believed to be a 45 foot or 14 meters, in case you're a fan of the meters, and 15 foot wide or 5 meter whale. It's a pretty big whale. I'm going to cut all that out. That was just for you guys. That meter's joke was good. Was believed to be a 45 foot long, 15 foot wide whale. The whale was dubbed Porphyrius by Byzantine sailors. There are several beliefs as to what the name means or where it came from. And we're going to talk about the name three or four. This is the thing about like.
the ancient past, right? It's like, oh, I believe this means this. And it's the same word and we're all, you know, there's just different translations of the languages. So. First, to be clear, this whale has also been referred to as Porphyrius, Porphyrian, Porphyry, and Porphyrio. So in some writings, the whale has had a different name. Porphyrio sounds the coolest. I think Porphyrius. I don't know. It's because it's like fucking furious, you know? Yeah, but it's because it sounds like Polybius. Sure. It is just the most commonly referred to as Porphyrius, and that is how you'll find it in the Wikipedia article, too. So if you're looking for this whale, you'll look for Porphyrius. At the time, there was a very popular charioteer named Porphyrius. He spelled it with a U, but it was pronounced Porphyrius. This may have been an inspiration for the name. That would have been like...
you know, the sailors naming it after their favorite NASCAR racer, right? Like, oh, this badass whale out there, that guy's named Dale Jr. Oh, I forgot that jacket. Additionally, in Greek mythology, there was a giant, Porphyrian. Quote, Porphyrian was, along with Alcinius. Sure. Alcinius. Oh, man, I'm dumb. The greatest of the giants. And during the Gigantomachy, the battle between the giants and the Olympian gods, Porphyrian attacked Heracles and Hera, but Zeus caused Porphyrian to become enamored with Hera, whom Porphyrian then tried to rape. But Zeus struck Porphyrian with his thunderbolt, and Heracles killed him with an arrow.
Are you saying Hercules? Heracles. Are we saying the same thing? Hercules is... A different person. Yeah. Okay. What am I saying? Yeah. Are we saying the same thing? What am I saying? So that's the story of Porphyrian. Porphyrian. There's a lot of names that are just real fun to say. Prometheus the whale. Is Bob there? So it's also a decent guess as to why it may have been, you know, like a giant. A giant that fought the gods. Like a giant whale. Maybe it was just a giant Anunnaki. Or one of the... What do they call him? Nephilim.
Well, I feel like this last guess is a little more straightforward. Question number three. What is the third idea of what Porfirius meant? Is it A, Powerful Fish, B, Purple Boy, C, Shadow Killer, or D, Ocean Hunter? Powerful Fish, Purple Boy, Shadow Killer, or Ocean Hunter? Which one of these is not like the other? So Shadow Killer, you both guessed. Yes, the name adopted by the sailors at the time was thought to have meant...
Purple Boy. Due to the color of the dark whale and due to the imperial purple, which was considered for royalty, thus showing a further respect to the whale and its place in the chain, which also means that sailors in the 6th century Byzantine Empire had the same sense of humor that we did. Like, they're like, ah, this is fucking Purple Boy, this is your Purple Boy. I like that 6th century Byzantine sailors are on the same humor wavelength as kids on the internet in 2023. Nothing has changed. I remember when Jesse told me that. Just the access. I was like, does that mean that the name of the boat was Boaty McBoatface?
It doesn't mean that it wasn't because I don't know. So let's just say that it was. Canonically, yes, it was. Boom. So yeah, Purple Boy for possibly the color of his skin. He was a dark whale, but also because purple was reserved for royalty, this fish was like above all other fish. I'm going to say fish a lot because they weren't like, oh, whales are mammals in the 6th century. It was just fucking giant fish. It's written as fish a lot. Maybe it was just like a giant fish and not a whale. That's a big fucking fish, man. I know. Like a prehistoric fish.
I mean, hey, I've got some ideas as we go along here. I'm going to throw some at you. You tell me what you think, buddy. Is it a fish-a-saurus, right? Ah, shit. Spoiler alert! Okay, so, yeah, yeah, Purple Boy. We got off on a little tangent, but we're back, baby! So, we get the story of Porphyrius from Byzantine historian Procopius and his book, The History of the Wars and the Secret History. Procopius is the one that gives us most of what we know now about the whale, including its size and noted rivalry with the Byzantine emperor Justinian.
Wait, the fish and the guy had a rivalry? Sorry, the whale and the guy had a rivalry? There's a Bosporus Strait, and the place where the attacks took place over these 50 years, essentially there was one emperor in the heart of the attacks for 38 of those 50 years, and that was Justinian. So yes, because it was killing his military ships, it was taking out his fishing vessels, it was killing his civilians, and sometimes the fish would disappear for a while. The whale would disappear for a while. Sorry. No, this is fun. I like this. It would disappear for a while, and then when I say a while, it'd be like, a couple years. And it'd be like, oh, fuck. That motherfucker's dead. And then someone would be like, Porphyria! And he would just be coming and crashing out. That's amazing. Yeah, it's a pretty cool story. I love that. I love that there was a, I love that you love that there was a rivalry with a man. The whale had a rivalry with a man. Yeah, I like that this whale was like, fuck this guy.
This is his empire. I rule the wet parts. The wet parts. I don't come up on land and start doing stuff. We don't start sending whales across the desert. No, we're out here in the ocean, and you're coming in the ocean. Like, if a shark walked into my living room, it would be on like Donkey Kong. If a guy goes into the ocean, he should expect the same.
So it says during this time, not a lot was known about whales. And they were seen as exactly what they would appear if you didn't know anything about whales. It's just like giant fucking monsters. Like some people weren't even like, it's a giant fish. They were just like, what the fuck is that monster? It's just a blue whale with an attitude. I mean, so we'll get a little bit further. But like blue whales, while they're huge, like when you get around like the mouth area, not very intimidating looking whale. Ever seen the face of a sperm whale?
Chiefs? Thank you for that. Thank you. We needed that. Yes, okay. So they thought they were giant monsters, which is why it would be impossible if this was in fact a real incident, a real whale, to tell the species of the whale because they didn't know what a whale was. So how the fuck would we know? It was big and purple, kind of square. Many believe that it was a sperm whale due to its size and it is entirely plausible as a sexually mature sperm whale averages, a male sperm whale averages 53 feet in length and 16 meters. So technically, this would, if it were a male, like a sexually mature male sperm whale, it would be not.
It would be small. It would be on the small side. So, like, totally plausible to be a sperm whale. Although they don't appear, like, in the Mediterranean or in the Bosporus. But still. Exceptionally sized sperm whales have been found as large as nearly 80 feet long. So, sperm whales get fucking huge, man.
Others believe that it was an above-average size orca. However, large specimens of orca maxed out at about 25 feet long. Another thing that keeps many, including myself, from believing that it was an orca, besides the size, which could just be explained by exaggeration or, you know, stories over generations, is like, an orca is black and white. It's a sea panda. Like, it's a pretty, like, you wouldn't be like, look at that purple boy.
That's my opinion on it. But, like, yeah, those are the two whales that you're like, yeah, those motherfuckers got some teeth. Like, those are – and I've seen – I saw a video, like, last night because I was doing all this shit where a seal jumped up on, like, a flat deck of a fishing boat, and there's a fucking pod of orcas around, and they're like, get the seal off! Get the seal off! I was like, yeah, come on, man. Save the seal. Get out of there, dude. He got away. Now you got to save him. But those orcas wanted him bad, and I was like, dude, I probably would have actually pushed him off, dude. Have you seen how gnarly they get?
When the orcas, like, when the seals are up on the ice blocks and they'll go underneath and throw waves and break it apart so it falls in. Yo, I wouldn't fuck with anything in the ocean that, like, I believe is about as smart as I am, which is those, so, you know. And also, not a very great swimmer. Just gonna throw that out there. You know, I know that, like, orcas have, like, never really killed anybody in the wild, technically, I don't think. But, hey, fuck around and find out. You know what I'm talking about? Not me. No ocean for me. Not now, not never. Not on me. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. Freak me out. Okay. Orcas, not purple. Black and white. Thanks, sperm whales. The most.
plausible answer if one happened to find its way into the possible strait. One thing I will say about both of these whales is that they have very predatory looking teeth-filled mouths. Both of them. Yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, there might be other whales that do, but those are the two that come to mind for me. They're like, yeah, those teeth are... They're scary looking, but their bottom jaw is kind of dorky looking. Oh, it's for sure dorky looking, but like imagine being a dumb 6th century Byzantine sailor. Yeah. Look at that. Okay, that's a person right there. Okay, so it appeared and attacked many times during the 50-year period, and although sometimes it disappeared for what is described as lengthy periods of time, although there is no official number, it didn't matter what type of ship, it didn't matter, distinction didn't...
Didn't matter what type of ship. Didn't care at all. All ships were attacked. Many sailors began to take routes that would at times double their route just to avoid the Bosporus Strait. So that makes you know how...
serious it was. How real it was? That they're like, hey, we're just going to take routes that double our length and time. People are going to die more, but people aren't going to completely die when our fucking boat sinks in the Bosporus Strait. Kind of wild to think about. The Byzantine Emperor Justinian attempted to devise many methods to capture or kill the whale to make the strait safe for his people as to not kill its ports there. Obviously at the time, we're talking about the 6th century, these are like, we're building near water. You need...
The Bosporus Strait. If you don't have the Bosporus Strait to get your goods around, to be able to use for all of the things that you use the salt water for, your society is going to collapse. So this whale could literally bring the end for them. All right. So the Byzantine Emperor Justinian attempt to devise many methods. Question number four. How would the whale eventually be captured or killed? Was it A, giant nets were able to tire it out until it was dragged in? B, multiple harpoon wounds would lead to it floating ashore days later? C, it beached itself at low tide? Or D, it actually just disappeared?
Never to be seen again. Robbie said that it disappeared. Bigfoot said that it beached itself at low tide. Give Bigfoot 250 points because one day while chasing dolphins during low tide. Oh, you know it all? Son of a bitch. I thought I found a pretty good one, man. Porphyrius was a good one. I thought it was a still alive question. Damn. In what year? It says one day while Porphyrius was chasing dolphins during low tide.
He was said to have beached himself in the mud and tried to escape but buried himself further. Locals came out with axes and spears and began taking hacks at the giant animal. Realizing that this was futile, they used all the manpower they could muster to use ropes and wagons and pull the whale further up the beach. They were like, fuck that. If this high tide comes, we aren't letting this motherfucker get back in the water. Get him up. He's trying to get away. Break its legs. So the locals then began to cut the whale into pieces and take it with him. It was unclear to me whether the whale was still alive while it was being taken apart. I don't know how long a whale lives when it comes out of the water.
If it was, they were just cutting it apart. Like, ah, this is yours. Here's your share of the whale. I mean, that's the smart thing to do, though, because have you seen that video of the whale going through, like, downtown? Like, do the splody boy? Yeah. Yeah, pretty gross.
Some of the locals took home and stored their portions of history they had removed from the mammoth mammal. Others began to consume theirs on sight. It's like started fires, put the whale blubber on a stick and like, let's fucking go. Do you think because it's a mammal, you have to cook it? You can't eat it like sushi? Just like raw? Just raw, raw? I have no idea. I would have no idea. And also 6th century Byzantine sailors, they probably were just also just doing that. I say fires, but there was no, they didn't say fires. I just assumed that. I assumed that they cooked the meat. But I just, I like, I know fish, it's like certain fish you can eat raw. Yeah. But like.
Mammals, I would assume you have to cook. Like, you can't eat chicken. Yeah, yeah, yeah. But you can't eat, like, pork or beef or really anything else that's a mammal raw. You have to cook it, otherwise you'll get sick. So I was just curious if, like, a sea mammal is still a mammal or if it's a mammal. I mean, hey, it's a great question. It's definitely one I'd pose towards the Internet and not myself.
Here we go. It should be pretty obvious to note that Porphyrius came as, sorry, should be obvious to know that the defeat of Porphyrius came as a great relief to anyone who used the sea as a means of work or anyone who had loved, loved one who used the sea in any way. Yeah, it says eating whale meat raw in practice is a practice that dates back in centuries in some cultures such as Japan's famous sushi culture. Today, however, eating raw mammal can be dangerous as it may contain harmful bacteria and parasites that can cause illness. There you go. So yes, you can, but you shouldn't.
There you go. That's fun. It's like drugs. Some other ways. Some others say that the whale that beached itself and was killed may not even have been the whale that committed the attacks. But to the people, it was a victory all the same. And no reports of Porphyrius were made in the waters after that event. So, you know. Have you seen that video of like the soldiers in the Middle East with the mannequin head with the army helmet putting it up and the sniper takes fire at it and then they're like. I haven't. It feels like that's the whale version of that. It baited a smaller whale up onto the beach. It's like, all right, peace, motherfucker. Saw what everybody did to it and he was like.
I'm out. I'll find another straight to murder in. Porphyrius was mentioned in Edward Gibbon's The History of the Decline and Fall of the Roman Empire. Very great name. Very, like, just succinct. Yeah, solid. Which was written sometime between 1776 and 1789. He believed Porphyrius to have been a stranger and a wanderer, since there are no species comparable to it in size or behavior in the Mediterranean. Another writer, George Horn, took what Gibbon said as a dig and an implication that the beast was fictional. Horn wrote angrily in reply that either God prepared a whale specifically for this purpose, or it was no whale at all.
Porphyrius is also mentioned in the book Moby Dick as a historical example of a whale that attacks humans. Porphyrius appears in Robert Graves' historic fiction novel Count Belisarius from 1938. In this, Justinian, after receiving complaints from friends and acquaintances of his wife, Empress Theodora, dispatches the famed General Belisarius to hunt for the whale who eventually takes him down. The who began firing harpoons and arrows has little effect on Porphyrius who dives beneath the waves and swims away. The battle of Porphyrius has been sometimes erroneously mentioned as a real event by later authors. That book exists from 1938.
But later authors were like, yeah, but did you hear about how Belisarius almost took down Porfirius? That's it, man. That's it for Porfirius. Fun that Bigfoot knew, of course. Just imagine them. Y'all like cahoots on this one. They're in cahoots. We're not, but should have known. This one Bigfoot definitely knows about. Hopefully these questions aren't super easy for him. Dang, you hear that, Robbie? That wasn't even the one that he was like. Yeah, it's true. It's true. They got three out of four, right? But that wasn't even the softball. That's what he said. But remember, you don't get anything. Plenty of time. Yeah, that's what I meant. Plenty of time. Our next.
We should call them animals. Our next animal is best known as Mokele Mbembe. Question number five. In what year was Mokele Mbembe first described as a sauropod? What year were sauropods invented? In what year? Don't say it high. Don't say it high. In what year was Mokele Mbembe first described as a sauropod? Robbie says 1612.
Bigfoot says 1889. I don't think fossils have been discovered in 1612. I don't fucking know. I'm not sure 100% on that. George Washington died not knowing dinosaurs existed. He's like, fuck you guys! Give Bigfoot 250 points because Mokele Mbembe was first described in 1909. He's a cryptid believed to have lived somewhere in or around the Congo River Basin. It is a mainly water-dwelling creature that is mostly described as a physical entity but has often been referred to only as a spirit.
He's not a water-dwelling mammal who moved from the metropolis to learn how to break dance. Where did you get that preposterous hypothesis? Did Steve tell you that? Perchance. So the rapping name is Steve. So I actually didn't, I don't know that I, or maybe I knew at one point, but didn't remember that Mokele and Mbembe is often referred to as a spirit. Mostly in physical form, but a lot of, you know, locals who have seen the sauropod believe it is like the ghost of one. Oh, spooky ghost, Dan. Did you see it? It came right about here. This is ectoplasm. Ectoplasm.
Those who have seen the creature have said that it is a very large quadrupedal herbivore with a smooth snake-like skin and a long neck and a single tooth that is sometimes described as a horn. Question number six. Mokele Mbembe is Lingala for what? Is it A? Make him guess this. No, leave it open-ended. Yeah. Is it A, water spirit? B, elephant dragon? C, one who stops the flow of rivers? Or D, the long-necked one? Both of you guys said C.
D. It was indeed C. The one who stops the flow of rivers, Mokele Mbembe. Yeah, one question right. 250 points for both of you. Get some, Robbie. This is going to be a shorter episode, too. I fucking, last week fucked me up, man. The first description of the Mokele Mbembe as a store pod was in 1909 in Beasts of Men, the autobiography of Carl Hagenbeck, who was an acclaimed big game hunter. It's like, that's how you know it was real, right? Like, in 1909, like, those were the dudes. They're, like, on the cover of books and shit with, like, a half-naked woman. I killed many large beasts, pandas mostly, but you fuck with me, huh? And this guy was like, yo, I've seen the dinosaur out there.
Swear. I hunt tranquilized lions and I saw a dinosaur. Carl Hagenbeck once heard the story twice about a possible dinosaur. Once from two sources about one living in Rhodesia, which is modern day Zimbabwe. And the natives in that area described a beast that was half elephant, half dragon.
It's a pretty fucking scary animal, I'd say. Wait, which half was which, though? Whoa, whoa, whoa, doesn't matter. If it's a snake with an elephant head, that's not scary. That's goofy as hell. See, you and I think differently when you say half and half. Oh, upper half and lower half? I think more blended. You know what I mean? Like, I think all of the, like, gnarliest features of each. Like, you would get a trunk and tusk, because it was, like, very useful, right? But then, like, no, it would just be, like, but then it would just breathe fire, and then you'd get wings. I think of, like, a mermaid, where they're, like, half fish, half person.
But there's a divided line there. Which sucks because the front half of both the dragon and the elephant are probably the most useful. Right. So is it two butts? Like Bart's is like Lisa's pet? Maybe it's like Catnog. Which half is it? Twice the pet? None of the mess. You could be Lisa's. Okay. So Hagenbeck would also learn quite a bit about the Mokelia Mbembe from naturalist Joseph Menges. Hagenbeck's best guess was that if there was a dinosaur, it would be much like Brontosaurus. I think that was at the time...
one of the few dinosaurs that people were like, yes, this is a dinosaurus rex. Its name is Brontosaurus. And he's like, of course, Brontosaurus, which I think now is not technically even a dinosaur. It's like many different dinosaurs that they put together to make a dinosaur. But it makes sense that it would be like one of the long-necked ones because where does it live? In the water? Is it in the water or is it in the jungle? Yeah, it's like in Africa, in the jungle. It's in the Congo River Basin. If it's got to get up out of the water to get plants and stuff, if it's got to hunt for foliage, it's got to be up high because everything down low will be rammed through. Unless it needs water-based foliage. Maybe.
I don't know, dude. I love this area. There's so much foliage. Well, big animals, too, will oftentimes use the water as, like, a way to get around. Like, anacondas are, like, very rarely seen on land. Because they're so damn big. Right. And that's the thing with, like, why hippopotamus are probably also always seen in water and why these, the Mokele and Bembe is out there hiding. You just think it's a rock or something. No. Hey, that rock's got a long neck and tusks and breathes fire.
Another of hanging back sources was a man named Hans Schomburg. He said that while traveling to the lake of Banuelu in the Upper Congo River Basin near Zambia, there was a lack of the local hippopotamus population, and the residents told him of a large hippo-killing creature that had been stalking the waters. Hippos are the fuck around and find out. I believe hippos kill more people than any other animal in Africa every year. Also, the locals were saying that it didn't eat any of it. It just came in.
guilt for sport or territory or whatever. And so the hippos, like, you know, the rest of the hippos said, eh, we're gonna get the fuck out of here. Tales of entities like Mokeli Mbembe, living saurians walking around the African rainforest, are actually not rare. There have been multiple tales of large, smooth-skinned quadrupeds with long necks that fed on large prey still living in Central Africa. It was only after the description of the Mokeli Mbembe surface that the rest of the world started interpreting those legends as possessing a dinosaur-like body structure. So there's a lot of, like, stories that, like, you know, parents told their children over generations and generations, and then, like, as dinosaurs became part of the...
you know, real world, that sort of took the, that's where the story went. It was like, well, shit, that actually describes very well what I think we've been seeing all this time. Was that correct? According to USA Today, after mosquitoes, these animals are the most deadly to humans each year, according to Discover Wildlife. Freshwater snails are responsible for 200,000 deaths a year. Are they venomous? Saw-scale vipers are 138,000 deaths a year. Assassin bugs are 10,000. Scorpions are 2,600.
Ascaris, roundworms are 2,500. Saltwater crocodiles, 1,000. Elephants, 500. And hippos, 500. So hippos aren't as bad as what I've been made to understand. I mean, for 500 people a year, they are. Yeah, saltwater crocs are fucking crazy, man. Yeah, but I hear they're super comfortable. If you put them in sport mode. So, yeah, this Mokele and Bembe may have been hunting local large animals. It's got a taste for hippopotamus. Run, boy. But that was just it. It wasn't eating. It was just killing.
Oh, for sport. Or territory, maybe. Yeah, certain dominance. Yeah, yeah, yeah. There have been multiple tales of Alar. Nope, nope, nope, nope, nope. A notable example would be the Emila Ntuka, an elephant-sized creature that shares a lot of similarities with Mokeli Mbembe. It is described as having smooth skin, a strong muscular tail, and a horn or tooth. I don't know why, same with Mokeli Mbembe, you hear a lot about it. It only has one tooth. So when you see a lot of these, you know...
drawings where it looks like a normal dinosaur. That's never how it's described. It's always described as having one tooth. And you're like, well, is it the family guy style? Or is it the long tooth? It's just one long tooth? Well, see, that's what herbivores have. They have those plates in the top of their mouth that are like one big tooth that grind together. It's like a bony plate? Yeah, and they grind their foods up. Perhaps? Perhaps? Maybe he just didn't have a dental plan because...
Lisa needed braces. Channel plan. Oh, great. Now you made me lose my train of thought. Question number seven. Another similar creature, the Zago Nini, was described in some 1927 memoirs of a man named Henry Harrington Masters, Bartholomew Burns Wanderlein, Alfred Aloysius Smith, or Carter Christopher Williams.
Was that guy's middle name Aloysius? Aloysius? Aloysius. I'm just going to tell you I use random name generators for three of these. And one of them is a real one. I can't tell you which one's which. Bigfoot says Carter Christopher Williams. Robbie says Henry Harrington Masters. I say Bartholomew Burns. Bartholomew Burns, Wanderlion. All three of you would be incorrect because Alfred Aloysius Smith, who had worked for a British trading company in what is now Gabon. You didn't make up Bartholomew Burns. Well, a random name generator did. No, I know, but like, you know. I know. Barty Burns, little Barty Burns. Yeah, right?
Bartholomew Jay Burns. That's a great point. It's like I just looked through all my internet. It was like, here's one you'll like. I do not make that up. So no points all the way around. Alfred Aloysius Smith, who was a British trading company worker in the late 1800s, briefly mentions it in his 1927 memoir. Reports of entities described to be dinosaur-like in Africa caused a minor sensation in the mass media, and newspapers in Europe and North America carried many articles on the subject in the early 1910s. So in the early 1910s, in a time where you weren't getting a lot of news about Africa in North America, they were like, there's a continent all the way across the Pacific.
Oh, my God. Okay, so some North Americans, believe it or not, were still doing it today. Took the reports as face value, while others were obviously more skeptical. So weird. Well, how are you going to travel? Really? How are you going to, like, fact check that? Right. Like, the news said there's dinosaurs in Africa. I mean, here's the problem. It's most of the things we can fact check now. Well, yeah, but I mean, like... People are just like, nope, nope, nope, nope. They shot down a UFO. How am I going to fact check that? I got zero fentanyl this last Halloween. I went to so many houses looking for it, dude. God damn it. Zero fentanyl. It fucking sucked. I was led to believe it would be everywhere. Yeah. It is notable that in Western Europe and the Americas, yeah, yeah, yeah.
According to a German adventurer, Lieutenant Paul Graz, he had an account from 1911 and said, The crocodile is found only in very isolated specimens in Lake Bengawelu, except in the mouths of the large rivers at the north. In the swamp lives the Nsanga, much feared by the natives, a degenerate Saurian, which one might well confuse with the crocodile, were it not that its skin has no scales and its toes are armed with claws. I did not succeed in shooting a Nsanga, but on the island of Mwala, I came by some strips of its skin. So Lieutenant Paul Gratz claims to have some strips of skin. I like that his first thought was like, look at that giant creature. Shoot it. Well, I mean, that's what he was out there. Buddy, you're an adventurer in the early 1900s. So another report comes from a German captain, Ludwig Freyr von Stiesow, as described by Willie Lay in the book The Lungfish and the Unicorn. In 1941, von Stien was ordered to conduct a survey in the German colonies in what is now Cameroon in 1913. He heard stories of an enormous reptile.
So, it's 1913. This guy travels for the Germans to what is now Cameroon, and in his official report, he included... they had him revise the report and after that it was not formally published but the report you can still read and lay as quoted as writing the animal is said to be of a brownish gray color with smooth skin its size is approximately that of an elephant at least that of a hippopotamus it is said to have had a long and very flexible neck and only one tooth but a very long one some say it is a horn a few spoke about a long muscular tail like that of an alligator canoes coming near it are said to be doomed The animal is said to attack the vessels at once and to kill the crews, but without eating the bodies. The creature is said to live in the caves that have been washed out by the river in the clay of its shores and at its sharp bends. It is said to climb the shores even at daytime in search of food. Its diet is said to be entirely vegetable.
The feature disagrees with the possible explanation as a myth. The preferred plant was shown to me, and it is kind of a liana, with large white blossoms, with a milky sap and apple-like fruits at the Sasambo River. I was shown a path said to have been made by this animal in order to get its food. The path was fresh, and there were plants of the described type nearby, but since there were too many tracks of elephants, hippos, and other large mammals, it was impossible to make out a particular spore without any amount of certainty. It's like, that's a fairly official report. Like, this is what I heard. I didn't see shit. They showed me what I believed to be tracks. It's a fucking bunch of tracks, and I can't say for certainty that there was anything other than these things.
But there are some giant fucking tracks out there. I just find that to be like, of all the things we're going to talk about today, that at least sounds like the most credible of all the things. In 1981, a supposed audio recording of the Mokele and Bembe was made by Herman Regusters. Nope, Greg, it's already up there. It's that tab, unless you close them out. It's like the second one. It's to the right. There's like a little video, unless I had it opened. Can you see it? This is possible Mokele and Bembe audio. Any relation?
Doesn't sound like samurai chatter to me. Yeah. So, I mean, I don't know shit about fuck, but that doesn't sound like the frogs and the crickets, you know? That kind of sounds like an elephant. A little bit.
Yeah, I mean, it's cool. It's definitely out there grunting. Something's grunting in the jungle. It's one of those cool things where we're like, ah. Dibs on the band name. Grunting in the jungle. That's like a fun thing. It's just like a couple of the Samurai Shadow recordings. It's like, it's there. It exists. We've got a couple of Bigfoot videos where you see him swinging his arms. Being all bipedal. Yeah, it adds part to the legend. In 2001, BBC ran the series Congo in an interview with Bianca Pygmies. At the time, they would identify the black rhinoceros as the Mokele and Mimbe.
So they would say, yeah, it's that. It's like the modern day. Typical BBC going to Africa and telling them what they know about their country. BBC went and they were showing pictures of animals that could have lived in the area at some time. And a lot of the locals were like, oh shit, this is the dude right here. And it was the black rhinoceros, which isn't in the area any longer. Or just BBC telling them what they know. And Greg's right. There is question number eight. There is one specific group that continues to search heavily for Mokele and Bembe, which by that I mean they are constantly funding. People are out looking for them.
Trust me, there's a lot of people. This group in particular funds it quite a bit. Is it A, cryptozoologists? Just at large? B, archaeologists. Okay. You'd want a living dinosaur? Yeah, yeah, yeah. C, the African government. They're like, yo, we need to get to the bottom of this. Yeah, this could be pretty good for tourist shit. Or D, creationist Christians. I hope it's them. Robbie says the African government. Bigfoot says creationist Christians. A fair amount of research, money, and time are put forth each year by many organizations.
The most amount of research, money, and time are put forth each year by creationist Christian to find Mokele Mbembe, but leaving him to be sort of a missing link to finally disproving evolution and the fact that there may still be dinosaurs today. If there's dinosaurs today, how the fuck evolution can't be a thing, man? I gotta go pee. Are we done with this second story? We're pretty close. A fair amount of research, money, and time are spent by creationist Christians each year to this day in search of Mokele Mbembe. It does, however, seem that with the technological advancements that have taken place in the past couple decades and the fact that the geography is fairly regularly photographed in satellite imagery, it seems that there is not a Mokele Mbembe. At least not anymore. Is there a white flag? Do you guys have a white flag? So, Greg, we're going to head to a break. What is the score as we sit? Bigfoot sitting strong at 1,500. Robbie.
Not far behind. On the board with 250. All right, let's take a look. And that question, he got right too. I will say. There's a strategy here. Start answering like him. The next four questions are a potential of 1,000 points over the next four questions. Each. Each. Okay. So we'll take a break here. We'll come back to a little bit shorter. Again, it'll be a little shorter this week. That's great. Combine. Maybe I don't need to get past it. We'll be back to normal next week. Come back or we'll kill you.
Nice. Welcome back, everybody. If you're here, we don't have to kill you. That's phenomenal. I'm feeling incredibly lazy. Don't guess why. Undermotivated. I asked you during the break who you thought it would be, and I'm going to ask you again. Question number eight. Which one's this? Is it A? Which one is this? Which one is this? Is it A, the Mothman, B, the Skunk Ape, C, the Batsquatch, or D, the Jersey Devil? Mothman, Skunk Ape, Batsquatch, Jersey Devil. Literally not a loser in the bunch. Isn't it the truth?
All right. Robbie says Jersey Devil. Bigfoot says the Mothman. Can I guess? Yes, you can. Batsquatch. Greg knew the answer. The creature we'll look into tonight is said to have had yellow eyes, a dog-like muzzle, blue fur, sharp teeth, bird-like feet, and leathery bat-like wings that span in some reports up to ... I actually can't say because I think this is a question later. I'm glad I caught that. In addition, it is said to be about nine feet tall and has the ability to affect car engines. Yes, we are talking about the ever-elusive.
Batsquatch. It sounds like the guy from Jeepers Creepers right out of the gate. Yeah, it does. It does. Right out of the gate, it sounds like Jeepers Creepers. So, I will say, it's geography. When you read about it, it's found in the Mount St. Helens area. And you read about its sightings literally all over the United States. So, these questions are going to kind of come at you fast. Because, like I said, those were the two longer stories. I got two shorter ones here. Vamp, vamp. Come on, come on. Question number 10. What year was Batsquatch first described?
He sounds like a handsome fella, doesn't he? Nail this, Robbie. Get a thousand points. Got it! Yo, think about the name Batsquatch. Yeah, just think about it. Yellow eyes. Just let the Batsquatch wash over you. Robbie says 25, Bigfoot says 38. Give Bigfoot 250 points because Batsquatch was first described in 1994. Brian Canfield was driving in Washington's Pierce County. As he traveled, his truck suddenly died. Not just the engine, but everything electronic as well.
That's probably where you get the whole, you know, basketball control engine saying. There in the middle of the road stood what Canfield described as a human-like, nine-foot-tall, bat-like wings, blue fur humanoid. Brian was, of course, written off as a quack for his sighting, as you might, you know. If somebody came in and was like, hey, brother, I just saw a nine-foot-tall giant bat creature. And it was blue fur. I mean, yeah, it was bad, man. He'd be like, come on, buddy, have a seat. I thought we were going to stop drinking like this. It's going to be all right. Let's call your sponsor. So another sighting is believed to have taken place in 2009. This is how long. So 1994's first sighting, 2009 is the second sighting that I can find. Just like Jeepers Creepers. Like, I still drink it, huh? In this one, a group of hikers claims to have seen something.
This took place very near Mount Shasta in California. The hikers claim to have witnessed a, quote, huge creature with leathery wings. Wait, Mount Shasta's in California? That's terrifying. I didn't realize it was that close. That's terrifying. Question number 11. How large, in feet, did the group estimate the wingspan of the, quote, unquote, huge creature they saw? Can I do meters instead? That's what the answer came in, was meters. You can do meters, but you lose points if I have to convert it. Okay, I'm not doing it. Okay. One more time? How big was it, right? Yeah, yeah, yeah. How large, in feet, did the group estimate the wingspan of the creature?
The group estimated that the creature had a wingspan of approximately 50 meters, which is 164 feet. Good God.
Good win. Man, we were way off, bro. Way off. Well, we were talking about a nine-foot creature most of the time. But this one, they say, was huge. It crawled out of this crevice and flew away. And I mean, 165, that's a 17-story building.
That's a 747. Yeah, that's a fucking gigantic animal. And it would be flapping its wings, and a humanoid creature would be somewhere in the middle area. I was going to say, it sounds like the body-to-wing ratio is very butterfly, because butterflies have big wings, but little teeny tiny bodies. It's like the Power Rangers are going to come fight it in the Megazord. Power Rangers are back on Netflix, some of the originals? Two of them. Two of them, yeah. Is it two? Yeah. Okay. No, no, no. There's time, because these are all possibilities to get 1,000 points in the next three, I think. Two. There's only three questions left. It's possible. How many questions left? I'm sorry.
Three. It's a fucking long shot, buddy. Let's just get it. But let's see. I'm not, like, smart, but I'm not that dumb. I went to a club school. Hey, fair to Midland. Okay, let's just do this. How about this? How about this? Question 12 can be the one that you guys wager on because it's the most, like, the possibility is there. Okay, so the group estimated the creature. Ready? We talked about that. 50-meter wingspan, about 165 feet. In June of 2011, a man in Phoenix, Arizona. So we've talked about Mount St. Helens, then Mount Shasta. Now we're talking about Phoenix, Arizona. That's where we are.
Signings have been. Walking his dog, he saw a creature that was about nine feet tall fly over him and his dog. The creature looked at them, circled a few times, and just flew away. Question number 12. How many points are out there, Greg? It's $22.50 to $2.50. That's all? Okay. Question number 12. In what state was Batsquatch supposedly sighted next? Write down the amount of points you'd like to wager, I guess. And tell your points to Greg, because he's the one who's got this figured out. I'm not doing any of this $1 bullshit either. All of them, Bob. All right. $2.50 on the line.
One point. I'm not doing that. Nobody's getting any points on this one. Because it was in a state that's taking some hits on some trains right now. The great state of Ohio. In 2014. So that's like a Mothman thing where he shows up before...
It shows up nine years before a tragedy. Just so you know, maybe don't get rid of these safety regulations. April 14th of 2014, to be precise, an Archbishop Hoban High School in Akron, Ohio, is a location where an entire Spanish class witnessed a large creature fly by the window of their second floor classroom. The class agreed that the creature was somewhere in the eight to nine foot tall range with a full wingspan of 20 to 30 feet. I don't know how you grab that real quick if something flies by the window. Unless, like, I'm misinterpreting and it flew by several times. If something has a 30 foot wingspan, it's not flying by your window slowly. Yeah, that's also true. That's also true.
That's fucking terrifying. Yeah. I think that's the last sighting that we have of the Batsquatch. 2014. So it's been nine years. Before that, it had been three years. Before that, it had been 17 years. Do the math. Just kidding. There's no connection. Be on the lookout because he could be anywhere, right? We've got California. We've got Walt Warden. We've got Phoenix, Arizona. Didn't care much for Oregon because he had to pump his own gas there. He couldn't pump his own gas, so he was upset. And then he head right on out to Ohio, of all places. Do you think there's, like, territories for cryptids?
Do you think like... Like they have turf wars over it? Yeah, like the skunk ape is like, no, I've got like middle and northern California and like Oregon. And Bat Squatch is like, I'll take Washington, some southern California, I'll take Arizona. Like the Chupacabra is like, I've got southern California. Is there a council? Bat Squatch gets fucked a little. He's like, I mean, it's a split territory, but you know what, hun? I got Phoenix. Yeah. I got wings, guys. I can go anywhere. I got some guys up in Ohio I can go visit for a while. Like, do you think they split it up like that? Or do you think it should like, do you think there's some overlapping in the scripted world? I mean, listen, it's kind of silly. When you see a map, right, it always has like...
You know, chupacabras from Mexico, Texas, Arizona, Southern California. Like, they're definitely. According to the X-Files Fresno. There's definitely spots. X-Files Cops Crossover. Wasn't that the episode? No. Okay. But, you know, you see Bigfoot in Northern California and Washington and Oregon, like Pacific Northwest. You see, what's the Floridian version? Skunk Ape. Skunk Ape. Skunk Ape.
You know, I feel like, yes, if there is some sort of thing, it's got to be that. Or they just tip her for that climate the best. Yeah, but I mean, do you think, like, if you were to catch a skunk ape and, like, just walk it through, like, the Sierra Nevadas, do you think Bigfoot would go nuts? No tell, man. I think that's the next experiment. You guys give to the Patreon. That's Serial Chillers Podcast. Give the Patreon. Give us some money. We'll get out there, and we will find a skunk ape, and we will walk it through Yosemite. There is some people here in town that have offered to take us. Let's go, dude. I got shit all going on. That guy was fun. Okay.
Our last creature. Boys, have you heard of the Thetis Lake Monster? I have heard of it, but I don't know a lot about it. The Thetis Lake Monster or Canadian Lizard Man is a cryptid that was sighted twice on Vancouver Island, Canada. Question 13. In what year was the Thetis Lake Monster first spotted? Is it a more contemporary animal or was it seen unspotted in the past? Just going off the looks of him, I would say late 30s, like 1938.
Give Robbie 250 points. This creature was first encountered by two teenage boys in 1972. Suck it, Bigfoot. 500 to 6420. It's still anyone's game. Thetis Lake. I love this name. And I was like, it's got to be Thetis. Went to three different YouTube videos. Nope, it's Thetis. Thetis. Thetis Lake was the first regional conversation. Okay.
conservation area in Canada and was established in 1958. It spans approximately 831 hectares of protected forest and parkland. What is that in stone? Approximately 20 minutes from Victoria and located next to the Old Island Highway and Regional Trail. It is a popular spot for hiking, swimming, fishing, and boarding.
Is it boating? Boating. Boating. Boating. Thetis Lake Monster, guys. However, on the 22nd of August, 1972, the Victoria Daily Times reported the two local teens claimed to have been chased from the beach at Thetis Lake by a creature which roughly resembled Gill Man from the creature from the Black Lagoon. One of the teenagers claimed to have been slashed on the hand by the creature, which displayed three webbed toes and fingers along with a barbed fins on its skull, arms, and legs, prompting an investigation by the Royal Canadian Mounted Police.
They got the mountains out there looking for the creature from the Black Lagoon. The RCMP is... They put Dudley Do-right on the case? He's like, let's go! Snively whiplash is behind all of it. The RCMP got 100% involved in this case. It was described to be... Oh, wait, let's see.
The animal is described to be as roughly triangular in shape, about five feet tall and five feet across at the base. At the time, the officer stated that the boys seemed sincere, and until we determine otherwise, we have no alternative but to continue our investigation. So they're taking it seriously. They're like, well, fuck, man. Something chased these fucking kids out. So it definitely wasn't just like an older brother covered in lake moss with a flipper on. Well, I think, I think, I mean, I think, though, the, like, sincerity with which they came forward, plus there's like, dude, look, I... It cut me. Yeah, it fucking cut me. This is not... That's what I'm saying. The older brother did it and then was like, shit.
Like, I definitely can't come forward now. I'm going to be in so much trouble. Excuse me. As an older brother, you know that feeling. I don't know. My brother just fist fought. So, let's see. Four days after the story was reported, two men claimed to have spotted the creature on the opposite side of the lake from its first appearance.
According to one, it came out of the water, looked around, then it went back into the water, then we ran. Just getting some laps. The boys described the creature as shaped like an ordinary body, like a human being body, but it had a monster's face, and it was scaly with a point sticking out of its head and had great big ears. They believed that the creature had a human-like face, although it appeared to have scaly and silvery blue-colored skin. Unfortunately, those last two boys came forward and claimed that their sightings were hoaxes just to get attention. So that leaves the first two boys, still, who were like, we weren't fucking around. Yeah, those other fucking assholes came forward and did that, but it wasn't us.
Question 14. Before the RCMP closed the case, they believed that they knew what the lizard man was. What? Was it A, an alligator, B, a tigou lizard, C, a monitor lizard, or D, a guy in a suit? Alligator, tigou lizard, monitor lizard, guy in a suit. So Greg's answer is on there, technically. Yeah.
Called it from the beginning. Bigfoot says a monitor. Robbie says a Tegu. A week from the initial sighting and attack, a man reported that his pet Tegu lizard, an aggressive lizard that can grow up to four feet long, had gone missing. At this point, the RCMP closed their investigation, stating that the lizard man was indeed the pet Tegu lizard. And many locals still believe that the Thetis Lake lizard man is still alive and in the lake today. Give Robbie 250 points, by the way. I will.
He is said to be feared by swimmers and canoeists alike to this very day. So if you find yourself near Victoria Island, somewhere near Thetis Lake, look out for the Thetis Lake monster, guys. It's very important. I think that was a rather dominant appearance by Bigfoot. You made it run at the end, though. It looked good. I did. It was one of those ones where the scoreboard didn't show what the game was like. Bigfoot put all his bench guys in for the fourth quarter. Robbie kept running the starting lineup. It was a lot of puck luck.
Don't be mugged me, dude. It's my studio. He had the upper hand. He had the upper hand. I won't take that from you. He definitely did. Thank you. It wasn't on purpose. I needed this. You guys just happened to fall into the schedule that way. So that was not for Bigfoot. It was for me. I hope all of you enjoyed that. Bigfoot, tell them where they can find you. Doing your thing, man. Yeah. At Bigfoot Designs, B-I-G-G-F-O-O-T Designs. True. On Instagram. Yeah. Doing dope shit. Yeah. Yeah. He's making stuff and designing stuff. Go find him.
Robbie, anything you'd like to... No, I'm not worthy of that tonight. He said, I don't want to tell people where to find me. No, because then they'll roast me and shit. He's going to go find his letter to Santa. Santa's going to be getting letters from everyone tonight. Are my points coming ever, Santa? February 19th. Maybe if somebody opened it. I love that it is not open. Oh, my gosh. Well, Greg, anything you'd like to add here tonight? I almost asked you to bring a cryptid, too. I knew we were going to run a little short, but...
Anything you want to throw out here tonight? Lonelyfans.com with two Zs. There it is. Go there if you want to see my hard goods. You can go to SerialChillersPod.com for soft goods. Yeah, yeah, yeah. My Lonelyfans, two Zs for Greg's hard goods. Greg, were any of these new to you? Yeah, yeah. The Titus Lake Monster.
Thetis! Yeah. And the whale, Jonas. Porphyria. Yeah, him. Those were cool. I mean, I fucking love cryptids, you know that. I just don't read good, so I don't learn about them very much. That's why. You ever see that, what's the Glenn Close and Richard Pryor? One's blind, one's...
Not Glenn Close. Yeah, Glenn Close. Willy Wonka? Yeah, I can't think of his name right now. Gene Wilder. Gene Wilder, yeah. Glenn Close. Man, he's not going to be happy about that comparison. Carl Armani. Yeah, sorry about that, Gene. But you know what I'm talking about. That's what Greg and I do. I read for him. I read for him.
It's like my giant butt for brains. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Well, guys, anything anybody wants to add before we get out of here? More Cryptid episodes? Let us know if that was fun for you. We'll bring some Cryptids. There's some Cryptids. We'll talk about you, motherfucker. We'll find them. We'll talk about them. Compared to the last episode, this was very light and very enjoyable. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Greg shook you last time. Oh, my gosh. To the core. And apologies to anyone who watched that episode. Jeez.
Sometimes you just gotta listen back to your own episodes and just... Bro. Yeah, it's fun. I watched it and I'm like, oh man, that was bad. But I won, so it was fine. It's all about the dubs. The one I did after that was the moon landing. And it got a similar but not a strong reaction.
A lot of things a lot of people don't know going on out there. Hell, Greg will tell you. I'll just tell you about some animals that never existed. Whoa, that's a bold stance to say. Last week, Greg was like, we did not go to the moon. Well, thanks for being here, guys. Appreciate you very much. I'm looking to get home in like a regular hour tonight. I'm going to go have dinner. What? Where are we going? I don't know. Where do you want to go?
Don't make me fucking decide. Let's go to Westwood. Let's go to Westwood. I can drink there. I'm going to go home. I think I'm going to have sleep for dinner. I know, right? It's been a long, long, hard week. I'm stopping at Jack in the Box. Order mini tacos, order chicken nuggets, order curly fries. Put them all in one bowl. It's not a meal, but it should be. Jack, you hear that? You hear that, Jack? Get at me, clown. For Bigfoot, for Robbie, for Hella Greg, I'm Cromulent Jesse, and I'd like to remind you, don't talk to strangers.