Do You Want to Be Right or Do You Want to Be in Relationship? (Matthew Files)

A difficulty that shows up in relationship is not voicing our considerations to another person. If we don’t speak such things, we may stop talking and lose affinity. The quality of relationship does not depend on the circumstances or the content of the relationship. It depends on what we create, the promise we make about it. There is often an assumption that there is a problem if we disagree about things, but the disagreement can be there without affecting the overall quality of the relationship. When there is disagreement, we can engage each other—unless one person is committed to being right and is not interested in listening and conversation. Being with what comes up in relationship takes training, practice, and effort and is different than trying to fix it. Werner Erhard described relationship as a clearing where love can show up. This can happen in any relationship. Transformation is very different than change, which is connected to the past. It has to do with not living by our history. There is power in promising or committing to produce what’s missing in relationship. We can create the space for trust to show up, rather than needing a person to prove they are trustworthy. We can also train ourselves to communicate in a way that doesn’t bring about defensiveness. When there’s affinity, mistakes can be seen as mistakes and not an indication of untrustworthiness. Communication creates affinity, which comes through sharing about things that matter. Matthew facilitates groups that support people to look deeper into their process, formulate their own questions, and become responsible for their choices.