Don't Be Complicit

There are almost always swears with anything I do, so be warned if you are listening with kids or you don't enjoy a bit of spicy language. Trigger Warning! I'm talking about abuse in this episode with no details but it might be hard for some. In this episode, I'm relooking at what it means to be someone's believer but from a different angle - How to not fall into the trap of being complicit. First thing first when someone shares and traumatic story with you believe them! I know this might sound like a duh but you might be surprised at how often that doesn't happen. Someone says they believe you but in every action of belief, they fail you which in turn retraumatizes you (and is NOT believing you): inviting your abuser to functions that you want to attend; saying they are not taking sides which most definitely is a side and not the right side to be on(there is no middle ground where abuse is concerned); not telling you the person who harmed you will be at Christmas or any event that you are planning on attending; giving chance after chance to the person who has done all the damage and making you figure out whether you can go to something or not, call them out or not, survive it again or not, spend hours in therapy trying to find ways you can attend- All Retraumatizing. People are so worried about hurting feelings, making waves, and causing conflict with people that have done REAL HARM but not stopping and considering what this does to the person who survived! Every event weighing their options: should I go? Can I handle it? How long will it take me to recover? What is wrong with me? Why can't they love me? Etc! Believing someone is about YOUR actions! Not so much about theirs. You not staying in relationship or the middle with people that have traumatized another person in your family, friend group, or couple friends (I realize this is more nuanced but in my situation, I think it's pretty cut and dry) is how you show BELIEF over and over again and the flip side is also true you continually inviting, including, making space for the abuser is also showing them over and over again that you think its all fine. Your actions communicate your lack of love and belief louder than anything else! Don't invite the traumatizer to something that you have also invited the survivor to - put the survivor first! Don't make them choose whether they can go or not go, don't put them in the position where they again have to weigh what they can handle and agonize about that decision, don't put them in a position where they have to choose not to show up for their own sanity, mental health, and well being prioritize that person. A survivor of trauma is always working to survive because the trauma has radiated out into all the facets of their life because trauma doesn't just stay in the place and with the person who inflicted it trauma goes with that person wherever they are. And they are working to live and mitigate the damage trauma does. Please don't make them work even harder. I believe you! You are worth knowing You are worth loving You are worth being in this world Love Angie I am currently accepting new clients you can book an appointment, archery workshop, or rage walk here at angiefadel.com Also, if you just want to reach out and ask a question go to [email protected]. Music by Todd Fadel I'd love it if you liked, followed, shared, and reviewed