Don’t Wait for Rock Bottom - with Sam Delaney

Sam Delaney is a journalist and broadcaster.  I contacted him after I found his article in the Guardian saying that he is having more fun than ever now that he is sober – and he is 7 years sober just like me! Sam hosts two podcasts himself – one of which is called The Reset, a podcast in which he chats to guests about mental health, addiction and recovery He has just published a new book called: Sort Your Head Out -  Mental Health…without the Bollocks In this episode:-  Sam’s drinking career got off to an early start when he would go to the park with his friends at the age of 12 – drinking cans of warm beer taken from parents houses He thought nothing of it – it was just what kids did – totally normalised We agreed that times have changed and that a lot of teenage drinking came from the fact that we had so much time on our hands in those days Time to drink, to smoke weed and getting into fights was a kind of hobby to pass the time! Of course these days kids spend much of their spare time online which has a positive side to it In real terms the stats tell us that the UK streets are safer than they were in the 1980’s, in spite of constant headlines about knife crime Sam’s drinking didn’t become problematic until his late 30’s when his lifestyle hit a perfect storm The combined pressures of his career, young family, hectic social life as well as maintaining his Jack the Lad identify left him exhausted Exhausted mentally physically and emotionally We talked about the “false narratives” that are common among drinkers and Sam’s internal narrative was that he was doing this for the family The drink and drugs were acting as fuel to get him through the day and night – the fun was long gone Another false narrative was that it wasn’t harming anyone – whereas in fact his wife was becoming increasingly worried If she expressed her concern he would become hostile and tell her not to try to control him We agreed that the term “rock bottom” was yet another false narrative and that the last thing we should do is wait for the rock bottom Far better to step off the slippery slope as soon as possible rather than think you are fine until you get to that place! We agreed that drinking feels like freedom at first but for some of us it becomes a prison and makes our life very small We lose the ability to enjoy everyday pleasures The example of not seeing the point of a walk in the country unless the destination was a pub says it all! Towards the end of his drinking Sam would wake up each morning feeling awful and resolving not to drink that day – but of course he always did.  He was trapped in the Groundhog Day prison of daily drinking He indulged in yet another false narrative – the one about if you’re drinking expensive wine then you must be a connoisseur rather than someone with a problem Of course whether a bottle of wine costs £20 or £8 its still ethanol! One day he booked a session with a therapist at the Priory and that started his recovery I love the fact that he chose what he calls a “hybrid” approach – a bit of AA, a bit of therapy, a lot of reading and most importantly community support and sharing. The modern recovery movement offers a pathway for everybody – and there is no reason why we can’t mix and match the various approaches We need to throw the book at our sobriety and do whatever it takes! With 7 years of sobriety Sam can look back on his journey and realises that he’d been white knuckling for the first couple of years It was only a work crisis that made him re-evaluate and realise that he had to go deeper He’d been isolating and realised that he had to “do the work” Part of that work has been connecting with people in recovery and having conversations for his podcast or his articles I’ve done pretty much the same and learned so much from my podcast guests One of his revelations during sobriety was that it wasn’t a binary choice – he didn’t have to choose between the Jack the Lad drinker lifestyle or the “sober serious hippie talking in psychobable” as he puts it He could still be Jack the Lad but it would be a sober Jack the Lad with a bit more self awareness and self compassion I loved what he said about how boring drinking becomes after a few decades – about how nothing different ever happens Whereas sobriety is a real adventure and most people have no idea of how awesome their alcohol free life will be before they embark on the journey! He made the very important point that when we ditch the booze we can examine our life and discover what we do that are legitimate sources of fun - what is still fun...even without the drink? Sam mentioned Christmas and Football as examples of alcohol free fun! Conversely what did we waste time on because they were only bearable because they were accompanied by alcohol?! Alcohol actually dumbs us down which can result in us spending time doing stuff or hanging out with people we don’t really enjoy For Sam the realisation that he actually had much to enjoy in his everyday life only came with sobriety He’s written his book “Sort Your Head Out – mental health without the bollocks” for people feeling anxious, depressed and not knowing how to cope The book title is a clear message that this is not the usual self help book – and is aimed at people who would probably never read a self help book Bearing in mind that suicide is the biggest killer of men under 45 in the UK I think this book will save lives It’s the book Sam needed 10 years ago – when he was feeling that way If Sam had read this book he feels he could have avoided his 10 year descent into alcoholism I loved the book and it’s worth buying for the brilliant subtitles alone One of the subtitles is “Glamorize Rest” – or to be more precise The Grind is Bullshit so lets Glamorize Rest! Since the Thatcherism of the 80’s we’ve all been encouraged to keep our noses to the grindstone and its been a badge of honour to be “busy” This culture has led so many people to burnout It’s time for a change – to change the competitive nature of busyness and start showing off about how many naps we had! Sam's favourite chapter – and mine is called “Thank You Alcohol” We were both driven to a point of crisis by alcohol – a crisis that opened us up to a new way of life Had we been normal drinkers we wouldn’t have been so incentivised to do the work and to change our lives so radically I asked him for tips and he quoted his therapist who recommended “playing the movie forward” when hit by cravings His therapist also reminded him that nobody ever regrets having had a drink the previous evening! We both agreed on the importance of sharing – the huge relief we feel when we realise that there is nothing wrong with us – we just got addicted to an addictive substance like 20% of social drinkers do! If you’re looking for a safe and supportive community where you can share your ups and downs please go to tribesober.com and hit join our tribe to read about the support we offer Do grab a copy of Sam’s book – Sort Your Head Out - I loved it and the chances are that you know someone battling with depression who really needs to read it I read it on Kindle, its available on Amazon and any London based listeners can pop down to Barnes Bookshop and get a signed copy from Sam when he pops in for his daily visit Check out Sam’s podcast – the Reset and you can also subscribe to his newsletter on Substack. He’s on Twitter @DelaneyMan and Instagram at theresetsam  More Info Subscription membership – you can join up HERE. To access our website, click HERE. If you would like a free copy of our “Annual Tracker” or our e-book 66 Days to Sobriety, please email [email protected]. If you would like to come to our Saturday afternoon Zoom Cafe as a guest and meet our community, just email [email protected]. to join our mailing list click HERE    Episode Sponsor This episode is sponsored by the Tribe Sober Membership Program.  If you want to change your relationship with alcohol then sign up today Read more about our program and subscribe HERE   Help us to Spread the Word! We made this podcast so that we can reach more people who need our help.  Please subscribe and share. If you enjoyed the podcast, then please leave us a 5-star review on Apple podcasts. Take a screenshot of your review, and DM it to Tribe Sober’s Instagram page – see PS below for instructions. We’ll send you something special to say thank you! We release a podcast episode every Saturday morning. You can follow Tribe Sober on Facebook, Twitter, TikTok and Instagram. You can join our private Facebook group HERE.   PS: How to Leave a Rating/Review in Apple Podcasts (on an iOS Device) Open the Podcasts app. EASY. Choose “Search” from the bottom row of icons and enter the name of the show (e.g. Recover Like a Mother) into the search field. Select the show under Shows (not under Episodes). Scroll down past the first few episodes until you see Ratings & Reviews. Click Write a Review underneath the displayed reviews from other listeners. You’ll then have the option to rate the show on a 5-star scale and write a review (you can rate without writing too but it’s always good to read your experience).