doubts

An episode with Mary Beck, my older sister! This one is really special to my heart and I hope you enjoy it as much as we did. Below is the poem we referenced! Can I just go back to who I was I’m nervous because I don’t know if I’ll be proud of the new me I see signs of things I don’t want to see Doubt, questions, faith unmasked I wish I never would’ve put forth the questions I’ve now asked But here I am and its too late What if I turn into something I hate? Lost, searching, scared I wish I never would’ve cared But I wanted the truth to be more than something that simply stayed confined Within my self-acclaimed sure mind So I let myself put a few items on the table And this left me shaken, uncertain, unstable Would I join the ranks of so many others I’ve witnessed walk away When it came down to it would I be held and would I stay Terrified I watched as my perfectly preserved faith shriveled up and died In front of my face And I would not face The fact That I lacked The power to preserve it The perfection to deserve it I had a sword but no shied So when arrows came I simply concealed Myself behind a blockade of assurance Wrapped up in my story of endurance Through trials and pain Storms and rain claiming that I made it No space to debate it A champion a victor a winner No space for the pondering of a timid beginner I was strong And getting it right was fueled by my fear of getting it wrong So I did everything I was supposed to do Sealing up any gaps where unbelief could seep through Everything was locked As I clocked In but never out Until I lost vision of what this whole thing was even about Falling, pleading, please don’t let me go Is this even real, there’s so much I no longer know I pull away from what I always believed was in my heart But if that were true how did I so easily fall apart Faded-fading Needless debating Within my own being I’m seeing the unworthy unrighteous, side of me The debt is due, and I’ve no funds to pay the fee The pride I wore now seems disdainful Hanging like dirty rags on this frame of a shameful Facade Oh God Take this fake I give you the key to the deepest places in me Come let me unravel, let me be undone until all of who I thought I was is shaken to the core and what remains is something worth living for Life to the fullest-freedom-light Walking straight into the darkest of night Not based on rules, but based on desire With faith that’s being tested true by hell’s fire -Mary Beck