Dougal Sutherland: The psychology of ghosting and the "intention–behaviour gap"

One of the most robust findings in psychology is that people often form genuine intentions but fail to translate them into action – it’s called the intention–behaviour gap. Someone may sincerely think, “Yes, I’d like that furniture and I’ll pick it up,” but when the time comes, competing demands, forgetfulness, inconvenience, or loss of motivation prevent follow-through.     People frequently overestimate what their future selves will be willing or able to do. At the moment of expressing interest, the furniture may have seemed useful and easy to collect. Later, when the pickup time approached, the immediate costs (travel, arranging transport, giving up free time) became more important than the future benefit of owning the item.   In this case the person may genuinely have wanted the item when they contacted you but later discovered that collecting it required more effort than anticipated. They may also have been less committed to picking up the item simply because it was free, so they had very little investment in following-through.   The “stopped replying” part is interesting because it suggests more than simple forgetfulness.   Research on ghosting describes it as a strategy in which someone “ends an interaction by ceasing communication rather than explicitly communicating a change of plans”. Studies have found that ghosting is often associated with avoiding uncomfortable conversations, avoiding conflict, or avoiding feelings of guilt associated with disappointing another person. It’s more common amongst those who are particularly uncomfortable with confrontation – it’s a kind of path of least resistance and arguably something that is something of a Kiwi trait linked with us generally not being good at handling disagreement.   The irony is that the ghoster often chooses silence to avoid discomfort, even though it may create greater inconvenience and uncertainty for the other person.  One interesting implication from psychology research is that this kind of behaviour often says less about the value of the item itself and more about how people manage intentions, commitment, and social discomfort when circumstances change.     LISTEN ABOVE See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information.