to my life, life, life, life, life. No, not there Phil, that's right. Hello, my cats and welcome to my left insert topic episode 14. Good night, Ricky Pawnanier.
I think you're 40, so it's over 30. Off to a good stop. It is a season two. Season two, yes, it's an election night special.
That's right, it's the 8th of November 2016, and as everyone wakes up at four o'clock, he's eagerly anticipating if I was to cook as when the Toasty Dakar, I know what you're saying, it's what we've all been waiting for, the first est of England versus India. And that happens to be a matter of the US presidential election as well. I'm talking cricket with these guys, they don't give a flying fuck. Anyway, my name's Jonesy and I'm joined by my three favourite pub, Pomp Castatiers, does that work?
Yeah, Pomp Castatiers. Pomp Castatiers, obviously McGowan. The Masqueteers. McGowan's flying out to Mexico in preparation to put the first bricks in that wall being Hispanic.
So first of all, we've got the clash between Amongana and Miesle, it's Big Phil. Hello, what's the answer? I'm sorry, I'm just ready. What?
Am Miesle. Oh, no, no, Miesle. First of all, we've got the clash between Amongana and Messiah, it's Big Phil. Messiah.
What's the Miesle? What's the Miesle? Second of all, I don't know whether to be offended. Second of all, we've got the Porthos of the three bricks of tears, it's apples.
Oh, I should think it's plastic apples, Porthos. And then we've got Martin Freeman, Crosswood Forest, Wittercove, it's Tommy. Let's make this podcast great again. LAUGHTER And as I said, the Theresa Winoff-Iolamig is not here yet.
So first of all, guys, what are we drinking? Apples, show it to the camera. Yeah, I think I'll let Apple stop there. So Tommy, what are you drinking tonight, mate?
I've got Heinie. Flashing behind me. Ooh, nice, Heinie. This one's sexy, honey.
They're just a bit all right, so I don't like a full pint, but I don't like a full pint, but I don't like a cup. Yeah, and they're good, but you're good, but you're good. I can try to slice a bit. Yeah, they're good.
They're good, they're good, they're good. Yeah, they're good, they're good. Your hands are like double trumps, but in proportion for the rest of you. LAUGHTER Brilliant, that's a brilliant moment of this illustrious campaign.
Yeah, for that's all right. Anyway, Bill, what are you drinking, Bill? I've gone for a cocktail. Cockrum tail.
LAUGHTER Captain Morgan's spice rum with Pepsi, Max, cherry flavored. That's cock, that's my eyes. Oh, you're having lemon coke. You're having lemon coke.
Cocktail. It's spice rum and cherry coke. That's a regular cocktail. No, it's Bill's new brand of cockram tails.
They're like really simple, like, nagatop. It's a cockram tail. Cockram tail. Is it have a specific name, this particular cockram tail?
Yeah. Spice, cherry. No mention of rum in it at all. Spice, cherry.
I'm going to have a I don't know, come back to me with that one. We can edit it in later. OK. OK.
Can I? Maybe. Eagle, I can. I call it the Hillary.
Name that's what Moira Hindley? Moira Hindley. Why? Geez.
I'm not doing it with Hillary. I was doing it with Hillary because it's an extra night spectrum. I thought I was doing it with Hillary. I thought I said Hindley.
It's Moira Hindley, one of the cat that is. Is it? I can't remember what she even did. She mass murder.
She played for a lot of pussies. LAUGHTER Oh, actually. Hang on, she's not the baby that put the pussy at the bin, but she's not the baby. LAUGHTER Yeah.
Hurt the pussy back in the bin. Back when you put the pussy back in the bin. Anyway, Nick Cage News is in a film called Army of One with Russell Brand, which is just the director of the book. Did we talk about that?
Did Russell Brand, the Army of One? Yeah, I know. Did you show me this to him? One man, wild, true, and the tap show is on the bin.
Lardon, starring Nick Cage. That's brilliant. That sounds ace. It's on show box.
On one of the early episodes, back in season one, we looked, we just read out IMDB. I'm sure we read out Nick Cage's future films, I think, on one of those. Gilly, listen back. Yeah, Gilly, can you let us know?
If anyone does this, whatever there was, if you can email us at 2m, I left you at topic at t-mail.com. Has anyone checked the mailbox? Can you email me the podcast as well? Not the book.
I found out about another fact, actually, that there's someone who listens to us diligently, and he agreed that our hangover episode of a few weeks ago was our worst episode. LAUGHTER But he still listens to it. Well, he said that he hasn't, you know, got the courage to email in, so I'm doing a podcast shout out to Robert Maury, the next anniversary of our president. Thank you, Bramble.
You're going to be generating a nurse. Pardon? Friend of the show. Friend of the show.
Robert Maury. So come on, mate. Siobhan. Excended.
Yeah, sort of. Robert Maury is a super fan. He was a bit gutted that he had a theme tune. But then I...
Well, they're quite funny, though. I was saying what sort of my brother-in-law about Beautyby and the Super fan, and I tried to recite the Beauty theme song, and I got the words wrong, and Rob corrected me on it. LAUGHTER So, I'm going to be a super fan. It's a regular fan.
I thought that made you compute again, I can see you in the corner. Are you chewing? See me in the corner? Yeah.
LAUGHTER I think they're like, kind of, kind of, when they're checking their mouths to see if they've got anything in there. Ooh, good one. Those chocolates are bomb daddy. I think that's the word.
They're like, give me some of those. Bomb daddy. Bomb daddy. Bomb daddy.
Bomb daddy. I'm really, really regretting it, but I had a panic, because I've put something in your flat, so I'd have to give you a drink. Yeah, you had to give it a drink, and it's a round something in his car. It was so well-for-well.
LAUGHTER I was like, here's a sorry for puking all over your flat. Have you written in the guest book yet? Sorry. I'm not filming in your flat.
I'll fill it in for you. Just a corporate. I think it's fine. Yeah.
I'll go and read it. I'll go and check. I made a puking all over the room and then tried to sleep in it. It's fine.
It's looking a sickle sleep in the battery. A little bit of both. A little bit of both. Who cleaned it up though?
Well, I would have cleaned it up. I could have tried a little bit. You flashed? I couldn't really see it.
And Leanne came in and pointed out that I'd actually got a little bit over the outside of the ball. Some of the wall. Into Em's makeup basket. Oh.
Nice. Yeah, I'm not a round anymore. I actually think I have to think of it. Yeah, I think you have.
Maybe not. Okay. Find out when you're a lab on the kid. Sorry, I'm not a lab on the other side.
I've never been wired. It's golden rolled. Don't you buy apples? I thought we were giving free buddies, but no.
No, I looked too close to Croydon. They don't let you back in after what you did. It's only because the free buddies don't bind together very well. Oh, hang on.
I don't get it. I don't get it. That's, yeah. Oh, it's fine.
No, I don't really. Is it glue in the binding agent? I don't know. I'd talk confusing.
I thought it was a clever joke. I'll just get a fake line after this. It's a nice line. It's a nice line.
It's a nice line. It's a nice line. I need my garras. I need my garras.
I need my garras. I have everything for everybody. That's what you're thinking about. Chit chat hasn't shudded me.
I am drinking Bordeaux. Abolition Bordeaux. Two thousand and fifteen. Ooh, very good.
Family Select. Ooh, red tread, good old M were a lot as they say down our way. I was going to say no, no, no. No, no.
Also, good tip for anyone out there. Always host a wine party. No one tricks off the wine. So, I've also got the wine effort for pre-talk.
The Keeps. Simon. Simon came for the glory. Yeah.
I know. Do do do do do do do do do do do do do do Do do do do do do do do do do. It's Spanish, it's got to be the girls. It is...
Yeah, that's right. We got a little... From... Perrets.
Perrets. Perrets or... Perrets. You want me to read it?
It's in Spanish. Yeah, read it. Can you do it in Spanish accent? I'll speak to it.
Okay, alright, Meg. See? See? I'll...
I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll...
I'll... I'll... I'll... I'll...
I'll... I'll... I really want to burn a billed in. Don't...
I got a bas... I... you know.. So so...
So that is, I'll have to... it's done over there... I'm gonna get that please. Who's it?
Who's it? Who's it gonna be? Who's it gonna be? I think I'll be back in a bit.
How long you going? So... So that's everyone I'm working with. We're going to an enemy of the week...
Apples,ECT! Who's you elevator at the week, mate? Definitely... Someone and they're really evil someone Big deal what's your enemy of the week mate?
A month to think of somebody the world is falling apart apples It's falling apart the fucking scene and you can't even think of one person sort your fucking life out It's the same as Saturday to have it in three days. That's enough time for my juices to get going My enemy of the week is Cooper Why is he refusing to put out He ran away the day chasing squirrel who wouldn't come back for ages and he brought me off. I was like really angry Yeah, I got back eventually He is now a dog that remains on the lead until we can get some training but it's so busy with hockey stuff that I can't really do it Yeah He learns that if he can stay away from as long as he wants and then when he eventually comes back you'll get a treat so now I'm like, how do I teach him that he doesn't come back immediately doesn't get treated because then he just won't come back It's complicated. Yeah, so he's just a bit of an asshole Eventually I was like shaking the bag of treats until Yeah, yeah, I know but I'd lost sight of him so it's like I was trying to walk away from him But he's still actually have to know where he is.
Do you know what I mean? Dog training skills they called out the Craig David method to walk away. I'm walking away. I was singing that He's done it a couple of times with the end it was the first time he's done it with me So he's in the enemy of the week.
All right, good. See you in the enemy of the week because he's outside of you I got him back so you know Okay, right. Yeah, so Tommy can you fill me in who's been your enemy of the last seven days? What am I miss who else has they been so far?
Apple's gonna think of one because he's fucking useless. Oh, yeah And is that it and big no yours yet. No, I have it in mind. Okay, right mine is Mr.
Christopher Jones. I will tell you for why I got a script where is it? I'd like to know he's nominated me you always come prepared and I like that He's the last boy scale at his pocket. He's the key for Sutherland.
Hang on wait is that Oh, yeah, okay You ready? Yeah, wow, thank you. That's a lot of people Phoenix. That's a lot of people.
Thank you very much Thank you Phoenix I'm so glad to be back on the podcast the state has a very very special place in my heart I love people of Arizona and together we're going to win the White House slash enemy of the podcast in November now You know this is where it all began for me I'm just using up remember that massive crowd also so I said let's go and have fun tonight. We're going to Arizona, okay Is that when any boats? What are you on about? I'm not really sure what I know what he's doing Doing That's right making this no But my actual reason for voting for Is because every every couple of weeks he makes me choose an enemy of the podcast and he makes me think bad thoughts about people And I don't want to always try to make me hate people and I don't want to hate people anymore except for Jonesy So that's why I'm voting for Jonesy.
How are you? I'll give you that. I might as far more serious Oh God my enemy of the week I'm sorry. Can I just before you start getting into your Yeah, you can interrupt me.
I was sent to the As per your head start recruiters. I don't worry too much about it. I'm you always That's just to be there the battle. Yeah, um, you sometimes do it after the topic has ended But you sometimes just do it after someone's done their contribution towards the topic.
So what is it? Which way is it? There is no logic to the revolution beginning I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I I tried that thinking and then he bought me a tequila and then we did some suicides and everything's just bad. And I thought I could handle it.
He then bought me a beer and then we got the train home together. That's as far as I'm going. If you want to see what happens, there's a prince out on his desk. You can see all the business.
So who has a vote you get? I haven't voted. I haven't voted. I'm voted.
I'm going to vote for the ticket in the girls office. Yeah. I'd like to change my Vancouver to the ticket in the girls office. Oh, tactical change.
You can't do that because you've just rigged the vote. You're worse than him. Oh, crooked Hillary. Oh, I'm going to go back to the end.
Yeah. So, I'm going to hit Lee. It's James Clinton. So welcome into the enemy of the week called a fame.
Chris Jones. Yeah. I'm going to take 13 weeks. We finally got him in there.
I'm just going to say I'd like to say I'd like to say I'd like to vote in Neil Warnock and the other people we voted in over the world. I thought I would come up with a topic just to brighten our lives up just to brighten us generally and I thought we would just have a little think about what we would all say that feels hypothetical funeral. What would we all say? Would we all attend?
What would we wear? I'm just think basically we've been to Phil's wedding so the next time we're all together for a celebration Phil. My christening. I've got a big christening.
No he's a great christening. No he's a great comedian. They take like a... Four digits.
The remains are pretty religious. First up, would we all attend? Yeah. I mean, yeah.
You're turning straight out. Yes, I'll be there. The hands on the mic. The hands on the mic.
The ones on the mic. I'm fully comfortable with this carry on. First of all would be the Paul Bearer surely. Yeah.
Well, it'd be pretty awkward. I'll just have a really big... Sorry, James. You could have to sit this one out mate.
You would have a choice, pal. I think in honour of Phil, we'd have to give him very many sendoffs. So like, you know, you'd burn him first. Then you'd burn him.
Then you'd question out to see. You know, like, we can make a whole tour of it. Can we get the last one? If you bury me, you have to dig up and flush out the seat.
You don't have to. I think we should scatter his ashes over the crazy golf course in salute. Nice. We'll just put a little sprinkle out there in the steam water.
Yeah. We'll dive into that ball. We'll just tag with one of the broken claps. Yeah.
Don't they ask that if you tag that bedroom? That would be the one. What would I wear? I would wear a Bristol Rover shirt by mistake, obviously.
Nice. I would say, I'll be a character witness. Hopefully you found your phone not guilty. I think you'd probably do it to himself.
Accidentally. Oh, yeah. That's a good point. How do we all think Phil's going to die?
And the dog. Wait, he's superstitious for this. The third of November. I think it'd be like a Simpsons extenders thing where it could actually be one of eight people because he just kicks that many people off.
And you're never going to know. Well, then defer. Neil won it. He was coop all along.
Neil won it. I've got three words for how Phil could die. Love you, Phil. Running.
I'm just kidding. Oh, that was a pretty important point. I'll be happy to post a voice for the new generation. The same language system.
Yeah. You'll be the the actor for the advert and you'll actually cook yourself with the real advert. Seriously, really, really cool. Really good.
I so. I think I said, the best man at the funeral. Does it make the answer carry on? Yeah.
You get to take a side tone. They roughly the same thing. Yeah, it's all right. Pretty written.
No, you don't. Yeah. Well, what were you conversating? What would you say to your funeral, Phil?
Yeah, Phil. Thanks for coming. If you could write a new energy. What would I say now?
I call this a no. Have a go at your own energy. Phil, a complex man. Fuck you guys.
Maybe you should record a video now and we can play it. Yeah. Right. So who's the next topic, Josie?
What's that? No. No. Lost it.
Can't find it. Sorry. You're throwing a better one. Yeah.
You mean boys say it. I heard it. Apple, how do you think Phil's going to die? I reckon it's going to be about a road rage where someone's going to pull out and film.
He's like, ah, yeah, back out. I'm like, you know, doing, and then literally just going to stab him in the head. Your Philly press. I got that.
Offensive acting in the podcast number four. Thanks for giving count. It was your accent. What?
It's an offensive version. Perfect. Make any ideas? I reckon it'll be the sofa.
Yeah. Trapped in the sofa. Trapped in the sofa. Classic.
Yeah. Many more people get killed by sofas than food. I'll start on a bus once. I can't.
I can't be true. I can't let it literally get out of me. I can't be true. But you didn't read it on a bus.
There's never been any lies on a bus. No. Can't wait to do it for some food. Yeah.
Sweet Googler or? Ah, second fact. I know I'm going to pass. It's going to die.
I've got this. I'm on top. Ready? Yeah.
I'm about to drop a truth bomb. I mean, you guys, wait, he's going to visit Australia. I can drop there. Ah!
Oh, shit's real. I think I want to visit Australia at some point. Don't. Don't.
Don't. Don't do it. Drop there to wait. Yeah.
Do you want to do websites as well? Just like when the internet was first sort of hitting the big guy. I'm on the big side. And he was like, he'd be like, death clog.
And you'd like to type in your name and you'd be like, you're like, you're dying in 77 years. Here's a crap town. And you'd be like, no, anybody remember them? No.
No. No. Sexual Partners Count. Take your part as a party already.
And I'd be like, yeah, didn't work. All right, Trump, come down. What do you think about the privacy? Careful with the locker room, Jack?
No, it's not the locker room. No, it's going to be a place in America. This might come back and haunt me. President of the White Hangars.
I think the co-anger story will put your fucking president's you out. Hang on, what's the case? I'm sorry. Oh, let's do it again.
You leave. You could email Phil with the family and tell him what the co-anger story was, please. He didn't know it. Unless he heard the unedited version.
Oh, yeah. No, he's got the special for five pounds a month. You can hear the unedited version of this podcast. If you'd like to send a check to Big Bill's house in the name of Mr.
P. Cockrove. It's not that unedited version. It's the extended version with bonus clips.
Damn it. Come on, you're selling shit. Yeah, J.D. marketing is not your strong point.
He's not my mom. Make this podcast great again. Yeah. I like the big ones that they're for the first time, John's doing is that.
Don't you find that hilarious. Yeah, I'm going to keep saying it. I'll be the last time. That's now the title of the podcast, to be fair.
Well, after the Hug Over episode, I think we have to. Yeah, we didn't get any ways up. We're going to build a wall round. That hug over episode.
Fair enough. They're going to pay for it. Yeah. All the fucking listeners.
They're going to pay for that wall. Okay. Just turn to someone in the corner of his room. They paid for that wall.
That was weird. Yeah. He's got a guy from a scatway. TV.
Tied up in the back of his room. Well, let's move on to... Big Bill's big question. I'm not sure if you're sure.
Right. James, it's going to be really shit. It's going to be a second. I don't know about, and then so can't really make any comment about it.
You've got a yes or no question in. If you were... So, Big Bill's big question this week is, are you a Californian voter today, Big Bill? What?
Yeah, okay. So, you're in Florida. No, California, sorry. You're in San Diego.
I'm on your vote in Florida. You're in San Diego. You've just been to the beach. You've just been working out.
Yeah, you've got... You're in Miami. Yeah. You've put on your roller blades, and you've gone to the old election booth.
And now you've got a vote, yes or no, on the propositions the Californian people have got a vote for. So, first of all, big question. Are you voting in Trump or Clinton? Clinton.
Okay, fair enough. Right. So, first of all, we've got Proposition 55. Do you want an extension on personal income tax on incomes over $250,000?
Right. Yes. Okay. Right.
Proposition 56. You're in less than $250,000. Don't worry, you're filthy. Right.
Proposition 55. 56, are you making on this podcast? Because... Tobacco.
Do you want to increase cigarette tax by $2 per pack? Yes. All right. Cool.
I like it. Proposition 60. Do you want all... Penisies to record?
Quite a con-dom in pornographic films. How'd you like your penis sheaved on sheaved? I'm going to go with... Serious question.
Serious question. No. Well, I thought... I'd actually genuinely have saying from that one, but I'll go with no.
You see... Oh, it was to say that the sperm... Yeah, it was just under there. But I haven't...
I haven't seen you in answer to that. Yeah. Yeah. No, hang on before you take something.
I was just going to say that that would ruin the khaki films. I can't ruin them. I'm interested in them. Yeah.
Good. Anyway, make our own. Yeah, so I've seen a fair amount of porn in my time, but when I was a youth... You found a bit of it.
I remember watching a porn film which used a condom, and the way this guy put it on is not the way the instructions tell you to put it on. But because I saw it in a porn film and that's the only evidence of some... and the condom broke. So I've moved and walked them to...
Fatty! Fatty! You can't actually make that better. You can't actually make that better.
They fucked up. So... What was the technique? He broke.
Broke. Well, he pre-rolled it and then he stretched it and yammed it on his knob. And that's what happened. You showed him what you were watching for your own virgin.
No, it was definitely porn. Yammed it on his knob. And German. I quite like the way that people such as 70-year-old female people who have never...
or male female, who have never worn over before in their life, are actually having a vote on porn stars using condoms in California today. I think that's quite a sweet thing. Alongside, do you think there should be a tax on, carry bags? Can I just act very quickly?
I genuinely thought Mick was going to give a story like the first porno we watched her put in the condom on, the guy like, they put it on and giving himself a self-elatial. And he thought that that was the right way to do it. So he's doing that every time he slept with a lady. How does that feel?
How you do it? That's more about you apples than it says about me. The master self-elatial! So Big Phil, are you four against condoms on porn stars?
I said no, because it should be the porn star's choice. It doesn't need to be at all, does it? Okay, well that was because of the question for this week. Right, item six, Aldi purchased of the weeeeeeee.
Oh shit, wait, I'll be back. Actually, I can. Right, we got some more propositions in California that need to pass the time. Defend it or yes or no?
Yes. No. No. No.
No. Legalization of marijuana and head. Yes. You want the deafened or not?
You're back. You're a cancer. Who would the deafened or what? Oh, confused.
You were talking about... Oh, sorry. And then you went back to deafened or not. Oh, sorry.
No, no, no, I'm reading. No, no, no, no. Okay, look at my throat, I want it. Great.
Let's queue a cancer. Let's queue a cancer. Let's queue a cancer. Beat and think at the same time.
I did. That's obviously quite, yeah. It's a quick way round, doesn't matter if it's wrong or right. No, I'm really in bonds for education in schools.
No. Is that more or less than currently? Yes, I have no context to these questions. CCS or no.
Okay. No. X. Background tracks for ammunition purchases.
No. No. Okay. Okay, fair enough.
Can I help that assault rifle? Yeah. Clove that. Nah.
What? Right. Back on to Aldi's purchase of the week. Coming.
Right. It's a little bit tricky. Okay, guys. I've got something that I need to admit, but I'm going to admit it because I think it will help our listeners if they want to do something similar.
And it's basically I shopped at Liddle. Well, I like shopping at Aldi and Liddle. I'm by Supermarki. That's a very brave thing to say.
To be public. Well, I hope that everyone else is able to listeners that are also by Supermarki, they couldn't come out as well. So I hope that my words can help somebody else. But anyway, moving on to what I bought from Liddle.
I bought some crisps. Because remember back in season one, when I bought some crisps. Geez, look. The golden eyes of the pike house.
Don't they? They're all right. It's mixed up. I thought I'd buy some pigs and blankets crisps.
Pigs and blankets. It's just basically just bacon and sausage, isn't it? Yeah. I'm just going to put a little bit of a pig on the blanket.
I'll tell them much. Bacon. You don't actually know, it's actually just a sort of wall-pig and cotton from do-bays. Bacon.
Bacon. Oh. Well, hold it until the pig. That's a good point.
Is it bad in gin and sonic? Are they on to a winner? Has little bit of nothing. They're making crisps.
Yeah, they're making crisps. Um, I say they're bad in gin and tonic. OK. We're going to have to change the name of the future.
Or are you going to go back to Aldi? I'm going to keep you guys on your toes. Chews nose. The market.
That's a wick. My dewatros one week. I mean, Aldi is an underground of littles. Where am I retarded?
Right, J.D. Right, J.D. There's definitely no aid in it. Hold on, I'll just throw that out.
OK. Actually, I don't think it's that easy. Anyway, Aldi's stroke is at the purchase of the week. Bacon.
It's in my left. It's a big bill. Oh, shit. I was trying to think of a subject of the week, and then told me just that it'd be entertaining.
I was already talking about shit. I was already talking about shit. I was actually going to talk about shit. No, that's not what people want to talk about.
Name the weirdest place that you have been sick due to alcohol. Yeah, that's fun. Yeah, do that. I got your brain yourself.
So obviously you're drinking. Where have you got drunk? Can you poop somewhere? And then in hindsight, yeah, that was a bit strange.