e005 – Let’s Talk About SEX – with Kelly Swartz and Heike Ulmer

Today we are talking about SEX and opening up (pun intended) about all things sex after children. We have all been there, right? Where sex feels like a chore after a full day of mommin’? There are some days where Sabrina would rather watch paint dry then put her sexy face on, and she adores her hubby. We have two amazing and very different guests on today to talk about all aspects of sex after kids. Kelly Swartz is an erotic expert and will be talking about libido, psychology around sex, self-intimacy and all things 'sexy times'. Heike Ulmer is a pelvic floor physio, midwife and doula and will be speaking more about the technical and physical aspects of sex, post children. Let’s dive into where no Mama has gone before. With more than ten years of experience in the area of sexuality and expression, Kelly moved from Mexico to Toronto in 2016. She has an M.A. in Critical Theory focused on Erotic Literature, an (almost-completed) Ph.D. in Erotic Literature, and as a graduate of the Institute of Integrative Nutrition, she is sought out for her knowledge, counsel, and wisdom. She is a published author on themes of an erotic nature. Kelly helps navigate topics that are usually laden with ignorance, taboos, and shame using humor and a holistic approach in which all areas of our lives are connected through her company Awoken Beauty. She is also a master dragon fermenter, with two kiddos (dragons) under the age of three and is currently fermenting her third who will come out into the world this month.   Heike is a German midwife with ten years of experience in her field who moved to Toronto with her family in 2016. In Germany, much as in Canada, midwives have the care of their clients during pregnancy, labor, and post-pregnancy, and have the care of the newborn baby. In Germany, they also help mothers with conceiving, breastfeeding, and childbirth recovery. She is also trained in Homeopathy and Acupuncture. On top of all this, she is a proud Mama to her two kiddos.       Kelly asserts that the number one reason why couples are not having sex after babies is EXHAUSTION. But also, EXPECTATION. There is a certain expectation that things are going to go back to the way things were pre-babies, similar to how we feel about expecting our bodies to go back to the same as they were before childbirth. She claims it will never go back, it will just be different. Everything is going to change. The attention you pay to your partner is going to be less. You can’t have the same sex. It just has to be different. She explains that you can’t have the same intimacy you had before. We think because we are spending so much time with our partner caring for the babies that we are spending time together, but in fact, we are not. She discusses intimacy with yourself and how important it is. According to Kelly, you need to relearn what your body is like and what your new body desires your new sexual preferences. She asks: "How do you expect to be desirable to yourself if you haven’t reacquainted yourself with your new body? “Everything changes when you become a parent, so why wouldn’t sex change too?” "How do you expect to be desirable to yourself if you haven’t reacquainted yourself with your new body? Everything changes when you become a parent, so why wouldn’t sex change too?” ~ Kelly Swartz Kelly educates our mamas that our brain is our largest sex organ and the one that is the least used, so in truth, sex is in the brain. She claims, “You don’t really need to put your sexy face on, in truth you have to put your sexy brain on, in order to have your sexy times.” She teaches people to be more intimate with yourself, so you can be more sexual with your partner. Heike talks about what the parameters are physically after having a baby.