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Today's guest is really just a patented individual. This man is a patented style of creative. And I think if God could have patented him, he would. And so I'm just so happy to have him here today.
He's already making me laugh. He's not even here yet. But he has so many great characters. You have to check out his YouTube channel.
We will put it below as a first link for you to please go and check out. You know him from his Fresh Prince of D.C. on YouTube, his Craig's News Live. You know him from his impersonations of the Jenners and the Daddy Mama and whoever, I can't remember, Caleb Jenner and all of those people and what I'm telling you, the Kardashians.
What I'm telling you today is we have Mr. Kyle Dunnigan. Shine on me. I'll sit and tell you my story.
Shine on me. I'll be able to find a song. I'll be singing and just go. We probably have a similar kind of maybe kinetic airbag.
Yeah. We'll get from the same type of community. From Louisiana? No, I mean old country.
Oh, yeah. English area. Italian. Is this you?
We have Polish Nicaraguan, but... Really? Yeah. Okay.
It's different. Somebody fucked on a boat probably could get me. Yeah. Yeah, yeah.
It's not really a land animal, but... It's a strong mix, though. Yeah. I don't know if it's good.
Kyle, can I get the mic a little bit closer? Yes. We kind of do a soft start. We're rolling.
Yeah. Oh, I like the soft start. Yeah. You were late.
I'm never late, by the way. Are you really? Yes. I am upset.
I'm late. When I was younger, my mother was like, the bus is coming. Screaming every morning. We never were late, but I had it in me.
Was it really coming? Yeah, eventually, but we never were late. Right. You know what I mean?
Like she was... We had 40 minutes and she'd scream this. Oh, yeah. Because when the bus left, she would have to drive us.
Right. She never did because she was a panicked person. And you were out there. Now, did your mother have extreme...
Was she like one of those extreme panicky people? Yeah, her anxiety is through the roof. And it's really effective, to be honest with you. If we're going to get honest on this podcast.
Did your mother breastfeed you? No. Everything wrong. Also, it's a cesarean, which makes you a sociopath.
Oh, sociopath. Yeah. Oh, you came out the belly. Uh-huh.
My friend was breech birth out the belly. I'm like, how did you even do that? No, I don't think that's a thing. Oh, he did it?
No, but I don't think you would get breech birth out. You're a breech birth, and then you get out the belly. This kid Allen did it, yeah. They said it.
I mean, everybody knew it. His mom, everybody kept saying it. And nobody ever said it about anybody else, so I would imagine he did it. And he seemed like the guy that did it, didn't he?
I didn't get auctioned for a long time. And they came up purple and put me in an incubator. And the doctors prepared my parents that this one may not, you know, be mentally well. And I have a theory.
I think I was born... I think I was a genius. And I got a little retarded. And now I seem like average intelligence.
Yeah. You know what I mean? Just fly a kite for hours, just with my tongue out. And I was very focused on things.
I think I probably was Asperger or something. No one tested you back then. They just were like, he likes to stare at kites or he likes to play with string or whatever. Right, or the birdwatcher.
Yeah, yeah. And I would just like plink on the piano just for hours, like just listening to the... So... Well, D-flat and he recalled you.
Yeah, yeah. That's wild. So your mom was yelling for the bus? And what were you guys?
Who was in the house? She still fills me with a lot of anxiety. Everything is like she's defusing a bomb. Like, you have to put that thing in there.
Like that. Everything. So I have a very solid trigger to being late. I'm sorry I'm late.
I don't like being late. And I was very anxious to hold right over. I sped. I sped past a cop.
That's where I was at mentally. They don't care anymore. Unless you are literally driving by shooting people. Oh, yeah.
I feel like they're not stopping anyone. I know cops. My brother's a cop. Is he really?
And I mean, the way this whole thing's set up, how you don't risk your life and your career by... He was in a store. I was like... It was his...
I shouldn't even say it. Never mind. Sometimes it was very illegal and they just let him go. I can't even...
The black and white thing is so intense. I would just not be involved in this. Oh, if you're doing black crime, you are free to go right now. You can run into any.
You can do any. It's like... That's what I feel like because if somebody records it, then suddenly you're the bad guy. Oh, yeah.
And they get like a certain amount of the recording and then you're just fired. But also, these guys are cops. Just defend cops for five minutes. Oh, totally.
They... Imagine a job where you go where people are being assholes all day. Like, they're being assholes over here and you go there and they yell and they spit on you. They're like, okay, that's finished.
Now there's these other people and then 20 years of that. Here's what they need. Not, you know, they need 20 minutes of therapy. Mandatory.
And, uh... Oh, yeah, camera move. We used to be a peeping Tom also. We'll talk about that.
Yeah, he had a silent movie. Is that right? Yeah, me too. Yeah.
Oh, yeah. But anyway, there's gotta be a Facebook group, huh? Adole Bremies? Yeah, definitely.
I'm just wondering about the effects of it and what they were on it. They gotta be heavy, dude. It's like, you ever take a cake out of the oven like a few minutes early and then the oven breaks and you can't do any more baking on it? Yeah, all the time.
You guys have to eat that kind of like crater cake, you know? Although, and that's that example, I mean, cookie, like fake cake batter is like a flavor at some ice cream parlors. You know, it's delicious even uncooked. Yeah, but it's just like human.
Some people chocolate, some people vanilla, some people got the sprinkles in them, gang man, or whatever. You know, the funfetti guy. Rum raisin. You know, Paul Newman loved rum raisin.
I worked at this Haagen-Dazs store in Westport, Connecticut and he'd come in every now and then. Only guy who would get the rum raisin. Wow. You know Paul Newman?
Kids don't even know Paul Newman. They think he's a condom. You know, kind of sauce maven. Yeah.
I think it's all maven is a word, but. Well, anyway, my childhood was trying, my mother would fill in my room with clowns. That's another thing she did to me. Well, I want to worry about a little bit of this birthing and the breastfeeding specifically before we move on.
Because my mother had small breasts, dude. And I remember, I almost remember trying to get milk out of it and there's nothing in it. There's no way you remember that. I think, because sometimes, I swear to God, Kyle, sometimes I will kind of lay down and go like this and it makes me, I almost feel like it's dinner time.
You know, like it's like, I almost remember being, it's not like a real memory, like some girl at a bar was like, I remember being eight months old. Like, it's not like that. It's like a genetic, it's like a genetic, it's like a ghost in my body that comes to the surface of my skin when I do this. Like a ghost that has an idea that happened a long time ago.
How old are you when you stopped? Maybe that's a fair way. When I stopped breastfeeding? Yeah, maybe you were 11.
No, no, no. I was younger than that. I don't remember. But I don't remember seeing my mother's breasts past four or five.
And I remember. Do you remember seeing them? Yeah. You can, in your mind, imagine what your mother's nipples look like and know what they are.
I wouldn't say know what they are. I remember them, I think, as a feeding domicile. But do you remember what your mother's nipples look like? I don't ever.
I never saw them. I never saw them. You never saw them? No.
Even as you got a little older. Especially. Oh, Kyle. Your mother would be a new around the house.
I saw my friend's mom's boobs a lot. My friend's mom would just walk in buck naked. And I, like, I was 13 and you're really interested, you know? Dude, my friend Scott's mom walking down the hole in front of me one time dropped something or the Lord took it out of her hand and said on the ground.
For you, yeah. Bro, she bent over to pick it up and had no underpants on. Oh, my God. And I was like, I'm coming over here again.
And that's when they didn't clean things up down there. Oh, it was definitely. It was just like, You prefer that now? Because the first time you get sexualized, you usually are into that.
Like certain people who are into feet, like they saw feet when they first got sexually awoken or they, you know, had someone, we know somebody who, like one of the first experiences was a girl told him to masturbate. A girl told him. Yeah, to masturbate. His first sexual experience locks in your brain and then the rest of your life you're chasing that dragon.
I had some magazines up there. Crack them open. They had a can of mint julep liquor. And I cracked that thing open too.
And so I'm sitting on the shelving unit dude on the top. Wait, I'm sorry. Like that? Like a shelf like that?
That's a shelving unit? It was metal though. It was like one of the metal ones with the cross, with those cross straps in the back going up the X's kind of. It was metal.
And you were up on it. Oh, yeah. And you were on top. 13 or 12?
Yeah, I was probably about 11 or 12. And I got that nudie mag. I think it was called like bust or odour or something like the French one. Swank.
And I got, yeah, something like that swank rub or something, you know, just something like. I don't think rub is one. I'm sure it's one. I don't think.
If not, we're coming out with it, dude. It'll be pretty much our base. Yes, that was kind of it. Wait, that would make so much noise and not be at all stable for you to fudge yourself.
Oh, well, that's hard. I think that's what goes into it for me, honestly. Why don't you just take the magazine down and go somewhere else? That's not a fair question.
Because it was in my brother's closet. So it was already like the most remote place I could be for my parents or anybody. Could you come down from it? Why didn't you be at the top of it?
That's why I bought it. I think I was just so in there. Does that image do a little something you see it? Because that's what I'm going to say when I'm going to buy a show.
If I'm buying like an old, I don't want to say a poor shelving unit, but like the poor kids had them. It was the style of poor people had. I can't. So when you're like a Marshall, you might come across that.
And I really do. It like makes me want to climb back up there. Like almost my arms will start going like that. But I remember ejaculating up there for the first time.
Yeah. You never forget that. Oh, I couldn't believe it. I was like, where, where, where?
It is a moment where you're, you don't even know what happened. It's disturbing. You think you're going to die? You don't know what's going to happen?
You don't know if you're about to win something? Yeah. And it's coming from like, I mean, it's your genetic, like, it's like the dinosaur. Yeah.
It's like that dirty reptile. It's just some billion year old. I mean, you see, it's in all of us, all animals. And also the breastfeed.
So this monkey, they reunited with its mom, you know, after whatever. And it just knew to find her nipple and it's just all genetically coded in us. That's why I think we're very much, much more machines than we think. The free will, and that's who we are.
A lot of it, we're on some sort of code. Don't you feel like we're sort of, your behavior's a lot of it, like that exactly is coded in. And I think there's a lot more stuff we're thinking about. So do you think we have a lot of free will?
No, I don't. I actually saw Sam Harris's book about it and he totally doesn't. Right, he does not believe there is. And it freaks you out.
Here's why I also think you need to put a lot of weight into what he's saying is you don't want to believe it. It's like heaven. A lot of people believe in heaven because you want to believe it. When there's so much evidence there isn't heaven.
Well, I wouldn't say that. Well, what about this? There's a highway to it. Oh, no, that was a great movie.
Dude, it was, that was a great movie. But listen, if you got, let's take an amnesia for example. A little blood gets taken away from your brain for a bit and now you can't remember your family or who you are. Are you telling me you take all the blood out of your brain and you're dead, you suddenly remember everybody?
What is that? And they go, oh, that's the soul. Where's your soul? You don't have a soul when you're alive?
Wait, so what happens? I don't have any blood? Yeah, you're like, if you're dead, you have no blood. Okay.
I mean, nothing's running through your brain. Right. Again, amnesia, you didn't remember anything. How do you now remember everybody and yourself?
How is that possible? What's your dead, you mean? Like when you go to heaven, you remember your family and stuff? Yeah, and you're like, yeah, yeah.
You don't. Exactly. But most people believe in heaven because they want to believe it, which is getting back to free will. Most people, including myself, and I had to put the book down because it was disturbing because he puts a very good case together about how we don't have free will.
And it's a white guy? It is a white guy, unfortunately. It's a white guy. I believe, honestly, mostly white guys, if I'm real honest with myself.
I mean, I believe other people as well, but when I think about people that I believe about a lot of stuff, a lot of them are white. I believe like a casual guy. I just go by tells, you know, touching the face. Someone touches their face when they talk to you, especially on a moment that's important if you ask them a pointy question.
And they go, no, I didn't do that. Big lie, that's a lie. Big as tells that touch face. Is it really?
Part of it's actually biological. You actually get blood taken away from your face when you lie, you feel guilty or whatever. And so it becomes a little itchy and you kind of want to tell it. No.
But it's also just like you're trying to cover your mouth a little bit. Right, trying to hide the truth. Because you believe you're an honest person. So you're just like, it's like a cognitive dissonance.
You just do a little brain flash. Also, there's microaggressions. Yeah. It's only a quick expression if you catch it.
And that's all in Sam Harris' book? No, this is other stuff. Oh. But so you, so going back to free will, yeah, sometimes I wonder if, and now we're so getting programmed by stuff, it's like that our free will, whatever little we have, it's almost like there's so many dog whistles out there now.
Yeah. You know, like just with the internet and just, you know, the advertising. Yeah, right. It's so hard to battle it.
Yeah, you're getting programmed. And also your thoughts come from your subconscious, you know? And then you think you thought your thoughts. You didn't.
It just kind of popped in your head. You noticed it. But see now, then, but then here's, and you're actually a great case for this because you're like a very interesting guy, man. And so I, you're one of the few people in the world that I see where I'm like, oh, this guy has unique thoughts and ideas.
So it's interesting that you would kind of go with that because I feel like that doesn't really define you, really. Do you think it does? No, I think I'm just a product of my mother screaming at me as we've covered. Yeah.
Things in my childhood where, you know, there's some underwear pulled up higher than I usually be in the back. On men or women? On myself. Oh, really?
By others? By others. You know, some little bullying. And then there was like, um...
Were you bullyable? I was very tiny. I was miniature for so long. And I really liked girls.
You know, you have that age where you want to be... Being tall is so important when you're in, like, seventh grade. Dude, there's nothing crazier than some little guy who wants to fuck everyone. Yeah.
You don't want to talk to him. Look at him. Look at him. He's holding his dick up.
Yeah, yeah. He's just so tiny. Yeah, he's holding a big dick, but he's tiny. Yeah, and it looks bigger because he's so tiny.
Oh, yeah, it's crazy. Yeah, and I was voted class clown when I cried. Oh, you cried? And I found out about it.
I cried. I may have cried like whale cried, but I was in the hallway and I found out about it. And I just started tearing. And I changed it to best personalities.
I felt bad for me. The idea of being a clown to me... First of all, I wasn't trying to be a clown. I was trying to be cool.
Pull up a clown, Nick. Please. You see, I don't want to be on a shelf. I didn't mean to interrupt you, man.
You were trying to be cool. Now, what methods were you using to be cool? You know, like hair combing, gels. Yeah, okay.
And then, I get into the psychology. So, I get voted class clown. It's like laughing clown. What the hell?
That's hysterical He knows my phone And I'd be like Hello Oh my god Years later I went to therapy I'm like Why'd you do that You were like Like a very cheap Willy Wonka I can't believe you had a clown phone It was big It was like a clown It was sitting It was like this It was sitting on the thing And its eyes would light it off The creepiest thing you can imagine And it would laugh And I would just pick it up And talk to my one friend Look I'm making this sound bad I had great parents I had great childhood But there were certain moments Where you know What do you think it did to you Is that the phone Yes that's it That's so funny Can you play a video That laughing And Bozo the Clown phone Yeah please do it I want to see him get erect You know how you were getting Hard by that countertop This hit me in the gut Right here when I saw that clown It made me nauseous Here we go Oh my god And that's hysterical It's kind of a cool phone Remember Bozo the Clown that show Like vaguely One of my friends was on I think Or somebody told me they were And I just always thought they were I knew a clown You ever made a real clown And get to know him as a person Oh no Yeah I knew a clown He was in a show I was just like Did you do a lot of stage shows I started off as like an actor thing I didn't honestly I did something like I never wanted to be on stage I was pushed to audition I think I sound horrible She's actually very My older brother and sister Both were like not performers And I think I was the last one She's like this one's going to do this And then I was on a movie And we had a nanny for a week My parents went to like Australia And she's like Do you not want to be here And I was like No I don't She's like okay so home And as the first time an adult Like listened I felt I'm exaggerating You don't remember moments And like my parents did an amazing job There's like moments I remember And then I Yeah I just got back from this Trauma center for like a week And you talk about all like Your like growing up stuff And like the things that shape you Why you behave the way you do now Yeah And you're fascinating Because you can't There's moments that are so impactful That write on the slate of your personality You know You can't protect a kid enough Even if you're the best parent He walks out and Right Somebody throws a fucking little harpoon Or something at him And scares him A doll bites him Yeah And you didn't do the right thing after Yeah And then there's one girl Some teacher said to her You're perfect And then she became anorexic She remembered that moment I have to be perfect That's my identity You can't help but like Run into traps Yeah I don't think That's right That's one thing I was realizing After that week at this place I'm like Some of her red herring Yeah You can experiment in the 70s When they said All the brown eyed kids Are dumber than the blue eyed kids Blue eyed kids are smarter They never do this experiment now Yeah Just experiment And then the blue eyed kids Started to do better On the test The brown eyed kids Started to do crappy And just this insidious thing Seeps into your head If you don't But as a parent Your job You can't control it Do your best Best personality They changed it Was it a small school Yeah 150 kids in class That's pretty decent amount Were you dating in high school I tried And I was like The friend they would tell Like fuck this guy Oh Fuck Jeremy last night I love this girl Who loved my friend Who was freaking like trash And I was that guy Who's that guy John Cryer I was just John Cryer all the time Oh yeah Remember that Pretty of Pink Remember that movie He just like crying He played Ducky You don't remember that He played Ducky in that movie Here he is Here he is Ducky That was me The worst person Oh yeah John Cryer from television Two and a half man Two and a half man There you go He's talented I met What's her Molly Moore did a podcast I used to go She came on it Yeah And she was cool She hates 80s music Which I found fascinating Because she sort of made that Kind of popular She's in the videos Or she certainly gets packed into it I know You think she It's weird how you kind of hate The things from your past I feel like I think you don't experience Them the way other people did Is that it you think? I don't know Well I don't know Like Charles in Charge Guy hates Charles in Charge You know Really Scott Baio I bet Small Wonder still likes it You ever see Small Wonder With that Oh is that the robot girl Is that with Jerry O'Connell You might want to check this out No this Small Wonder was the most amazing TV show I ever made on the air It was a man who was a robot engineer And it's the worst acting In writing But you're a robot engineer She tells him what his job is To tell the audience So then he made this robot That his boss didn't like A robot that would be Make everyone a kajillionaire So he takes it home He works on it at home And then she becomes part of the family And here's a scene from it She's a robot The dog My name is Vicky Pleased to meet you It's like four seasons The mom is sticky Dick huh Yeah she's from some native natives Yeah she was good No it's just an event See I know it too That kid never worked again None of them worked again The kid got molested Because of his neck credit Sadly That's Joe Biden Right there I don't smell that lady Look at her Can grab her all aggressive Early 80s style Dude is it You know You do so many great characters Are you starting to feel like Well first of all Do you think that Do you think Biden has That perv streak in him I don't I sometimes wonder Am I just watching Enough weird edits of shit Or is this obvious I think he's Just from He's a very touchy guy But I don't think it's a perv I'm going to do something To actually solve you I think because he does it To like all different types Like kids Old men I mean he's like Sniffing old men's hair And he's touching everybody He's touching women more Obviously But like I think he's just I think he's just a touchy guy My opinion You have shades on No I have shades I just want to be cool You have Take mine off if you want No I want to put mine on Oh yours is pretty expensive Yeah Oh wow Those are good Were you devastated Was there a time in your career Where you got devastated out here Where you're like I'm not going to be anything Yeah like this morning No I never felt like I made it I always felt like I was It was a cliffhanger Just like hang white knuckling In my career At all times I mean I When I look back I got to say At the last minute Every time Every stage I mean I started off doing You know sketch and improv Which is what I'm like More suited to than stand up And then I'm like 25 I have no money Oh there's no money I was doing all that time There's no money to sketch No one said don't do that Yeah You should get SNL If it's a miracle But other than that So I was like okay I'll do stand up So I did that I got really lucky To make a living doing that I felt like You know the owner of this club Took me under his wing I wasn't a very assertive person Yeah it's interesting I would wonder how you would kind of What was your beginning stand up Was it kind of like Brett Weinbach kind of You know what I'm talking about Yeah I love Brett Weinbach Oh he's so funny man I'm just trying to wonder Because I don't These are too dark Are they? They're too dark No you put yours on Yours are lighter I had bad management When I was younger They were trying to do a good See I would go up And I would do like A guitar song And I would do a character It was weird And back when I started It was like You know Tim Allen You've got a deal By talking about yourself And so like Don't do the guitar Don't do the characters So I listened to them Because I just listened to What everybody tells me to And then I got to a point Where now luckily With like the internet And the Instagram I can do I'm finally doing What I should have been doing The whole time Yeah but I was just Adults were telling me You know successful managers Since I thought that they knew best And yeah I did have that inner thing Where I listened to I'm starting to do it now A little bit more Yeah yeah man I mean I feel like You're coming in your own At like a lightning speed With Craig's News Live Craig's News Live is interesting Because some people hate it Like it gets a real response Some people watch it Because they hate it You know It's got like I would say 90% of the people Who follow me hate it And there's 10% that are mad That I don't do it more You know I do it like Once a month now And no one's happy by the way With anything I put out Because I put out like Where's Caddy Daddy Or something else Like where And so I just cycle around And you know You've got to be consistent Every week And I can't be consistent So now what I'm trying to do Is do like a weekly show Where I do a little bit of everything Which is I don't know If I can handle that much Of a workload Of trying to write And shoot and edit And I also have to edit I'm not a fast editor It feels like a lot of work But it feels like So what I love Is that it's so like You can tell that you're on Every twist and moment of it Is associated to you You know so it's so specific Yeah man it's awesome To know that you're like Existing out there And making cool stuff I'm so excited That's really nice Because I really feel like It was like Hail Mary pass This is happening And YouTube I'm trying to make any money I'm trying to get everyone Over YouTube now I'm trying to shove everyone To YouTube And that's where They're getting there And I finally got an advertiser Yesterday Because I wasn't making any money And working like You know Ten hours a day But yeah E-Forms Oh I've used E-Forms before Yeah they came through And they're sponsoring The Fresh Presidents of DC show They like the advertiser Oh that's great I saw the first episode How was the response to that Really good It's been really good I'm trying to dovetail it So I can not It's not Biden every week I'll start adding other characters Like I'm going to have You know Caitlin come in And even like I did this time canceller Sketch that people ask for I only do one of them But I'm going to have My other characters Come into the show And make it like A more general show Not just always about Biden Because I'm going to get old Yeah that's a good point That's a good read man Yeah I've done the Craig Dude I was on a date Actually recently And I may have tried To make love to this woman Or not And I kept doing The Craig's News live voice And she hates me now Oh I'm sorry No it was good I don't think it was meant to be It was so much fun I couldn't stop doing it Which part And I was like I can't even get old I can't even get old I can't even get old Yeah I don't see why That wouldn't be sexually These kids are being so bad You know I'm doing stuff like that Like for some reason Every time I make out With a girl I'll always be like Oh these kids are being so bad I always say that for some reason These kids are being so bad With me Oh Craig's News live And she's like Why are you doing Craig's News live I couldn't not say it That's so funny Film that next time you do that for me We'll put it on Craig's News live You know If you do this I'll put you on the show I'll start people I'll start people doing it If we get everyone doing that And we start making out I love that moment When you first make out With a girl I love hearing stories about it It's so awkward You're invading their space So And some girls You know when you're younger When you're younger I used to ask And they're like Don't ask And now it's like You better ask So it's all weird Nothing's not clear And I'll tell you this If anyone's curious On how to make that first move Because some guys go in too early You've got to go by touching Like a leg first Then if she touched you back Then you go to the next thing You wait for her to respond You have this little physical dance First you don't go in for a kiss Just out of nowhere Or if they're in and out Just reach in Hang back Let them go by That you didn't make a move I think you're cool I knew this girl who was so I was fascinated How she got girls She got girls to like her And straight girls She would convert them And this I think works in LA More than other places Scientology baby Absolutely This one time we're at this Charlie Sheen roast Fun fact You wrote on it No I was just at it So I was sitting at this table With her and this pretty girl Sits down And I could see she clocked My friend as like Oh she's going to want me And then When the pretty girl sits down Yeah she clocks like a lesbian Oh okay This is just an example Of like So the lesbian girl Turns her back And puts her back to this girl So now this girl sits up Like how did this happen Now she needs approval From this girl So then the pretty girl goes I'm going to rest Can you watch my purse And she goes No Like that They dated for two years Anyway it's a little fun fact For everybody Yeah put your purse in my heart Yeah that's what I would do I'm like okay Whatever you want Why don't you just pour All your lipsticks In my throat I'll regurgitate it It's like you feel Like you want to please But it's also not being mean There's books on this I'm not an expert Yeah that guy wrote it I read those books Had a neg a woman He used to call it negging Yes That book was called David or Max The Game Sean Mallon What happened to him He disappeared I don't want to guess Is he married now I don't want to Waste anyone's time here But it does kind of work I think you really Neil Strauss Neil Strauss It sounds like A very good astronaut name Oh you want us To make out some more My whole thing If I look back The women in my life It's been like They I'm not very aggressive To my point Really You were spayed When I had a double date When I did Yeah Yeah He just mentioned He said Yeah He's like He's like Got Dunnigan out of his house You know We got a couple Whippersnappers We're taking out Yeah Sometimes they're like These I don't want to talk shit about But like it's funny Like how No because one girl Was a girl He was kind of dating Or something And then one girl Was her friend Or something Yeah I'm not I'm not talking bad about it I'm just I'm going to have to talk about it No I'm trying to navigate I don't If this girl's watching I want to insult her Oh she was sweet But she was sweet But she just like Didn't know A generational disconnect It was more than that Like this is an example You know Me and Dave are pretty square And she's like Oh my friend This was like Three girls She went to the bathroom They went to do cocaine To the girls It was like a nice restaurant They went to do cocaine And Dave goes Oh they can do it on the table Like they didn't get jokes Right You know Like in a way That would blow your mind But they were German or something Might have been German But that's interesting Yeah Dude I'm still thinking about The clown phone No Oh you know what I had The Sports Illustrated Flip open football phone We got that thing Looked that thing up Dude it was horrible It was such a piece of trash Getting It was so huge When I was young We saved the Kool-Aid points And we got My sister got the Kool-Aid jacket And all the black food Oh you I always wondered Who was able to save All those Kool-Aid points We did Is that your phone Yeah That football Yeah That is cool We thought it was cool But we had very different phones It fell off Yeah yeah we did Different phones It's not as busy Everybody in that video Looked trans Football Inside of a football It's a phone call The problem is It would fall off The stand That is a cool idea It would fall off And hang open And then it would be I just I gotta go It fumbled itself Alright I wanna let you guys know I got some tickets coming at you I will be running my Netflix special Taping over there in Nashville And that is August 13th and 14th Those will go on sale next Friday Friday. Also on sale now Huntsville, Alabama.
Just going to be practicing some of that material for it. And that's Huntsville, Alabama, August 8th, 9th, and 10th. One show each night. Those are on sale right now.
Also still on sale, we've got, oh, St. Louis is sold out. We've got Cincinnati, Charlotte, Durham, Chattanooga, Knoxville, Wilmington, Delaware, Wilkes-Barre, Minneapolis, Charleston, Richmond, Virginia, Baltimore, Portland, Burlington, Vermont, Portland, Maine, that was, Albany, New York, Buffalo, and Columbus, Ohio. Get all your tickets through theovan.com slash tour.
Any other site, there's going to be upcharges. It's going to be scammers and hypebeasts. So get on there, theovan.com slash tour. The new dates are for Theovan live and the Huntsville and Nashville are for the dark arts finale.
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Stay gold, pony boys. Dude, I'm still, I'm still fascinated on that moment of being young and going in for that kiss. I know. I remember I was at a fire and, uh, the first time you went in for a kiss?
Yeah. Okay, let's hear this. These are fascinating to me. I was at a fire, dude.
Somebody had burned down something in our town, right? How old? Uh, I was probably, I would say probably 12. And I biked over this fire and there's girls over there.
And some big dude was like, you fucking pussies need to kiss, right? And we were too young to even hear anything like this. And I like was in love with this girl and she was like, Oh my God, what a good ball. I was not, I was like not a cool, I was not a kid who would kiss if you were a girl.
Uh-huh. My friend was, my friend Scott. He got all the kisses and I would just be like, oh. Yeah.
And I fucking didn't know what to do. I didn't know how to do it. Because you pussies better kiss. Yeah, yeah.
And so I opened my mouth and just like started moving towards her face, girl. And she like left me good like right onto her face and I didn't know what to do and it was just so uncomfortable. You just mushed your like mouth on her mouth? Yeah.
You just pushed it? I just like, yeah. Was it good? Did you like it?
Uh-uh. It was scary. I was, all I cared about was hoping she cared. Like, okay.
I was hoping it was okay. Like, is this okay for her? And then like, she never really even looked at me after that. And she played volleyball.
And then her name was Emily. And a couple years later, she let me brush her hair at a campfire. So I'm like, I wonder if fire had something to do with this. Oh, she linked it up.
But she had beautiful hair like a horse, dude. She would let me brush her at a fire. Nice name. And then she went bang, some dude in the woods or something.
Yeah, right. At least I got her like prepped up. You got her got primed. I was like, hey, get out there, give him hell, you know.
I had my first kiss was this girl. She was like 13. I was like 7. Oh, God, bro.
Listen, I was like her friends. She was like dating, whatever you're 13 or dating, I was standing on the step, I remember. So it became her height. And she came up to me.
She came up to me. She's like, see you later. And then she's like, made out with me. And then she's in her bikini.
She turned around. So like, it was, I was, I guess I was sexually assaulted. It was great. It was like, not bad, but like, that was not a bad moment.
That is a good memory that I have of being, um, uh, that's inappropriate for her. I guess she's 13. She's pretty young. But still, I was like 7.
That's great. It was great. Then the next time was, I remember Truth or Dare was a big, maybe I kiss first kiss. And they were like, French kiss, whatever.
I didn't know what French kiss was. But I knew it was like something with a neck. That's what I thought. I was like, I think you'd lick her neck.
But I was like 60% sure. So they were like, Kyle, French kiss Tiffany. And then Tiffany gets up. And I go to my friend who said, like the thing to French kiss.
Hey, I don't feel like French kissing right now. Can I just kiss her regular? And he was like, okay, regular. But I just dodged her.
I would have licked her neck. I would have just like, licked her neck right up. Like a couple llamas singing behind each other. Wow.
Exactly. Yeah. Oh, man. It's so crazy how there's so much going on inside of you in those moments.
It's so intense. And the rest of your life, I'm just sort of like living off. I remember the first time I saw a boob in the moonlight. It was the first time I saw a live boob.
Oh, God. And I still remember it. Like you remember your mom's, I guess, was your first boob. Yeah.
But we never talked about your mom's nipples. You don't remember exactly. I have a decent memory of them. Are they big areolas?
Are they small? Yeah. Can we confirm that? I don't want to confirm that.
I love my mom. I don't want her to. I don't want it. I mean, oh, can we?
It would be. It would be. She wouldn't tell her. Do you want to draw?
Huh? You want to draw? You can draw them and then you send her. You can say, is this right?
I saw my grandmother's breast. She was changing shirts one time, even though she wore only the same shirt all the time. I think she just went and changed it to a fresh one. And I walked by the room and the door was open.
She was just sitting on her bed and her breast wrap. She saw me see them. And she hated me for it. She didn't go, oh, honey, I'm just glaring you.
Something was wrong with me. Oh, really? I met a guy last night. A guy met a girl on a date last night.
He goes, hey, I really like your hair. Right? Nice guy. He goes, I really like your hair.
She goes, it's a wig. Like, it's his fault. Yeah, like, it's a good wig then. Yeah, she's like, it's a wig.
That's something going on with her. I like your fucking fake hair. Who gives a thing? Be nicer.
No, that's just a lot going on. Oh, yeah. Nothing weird than a mean grandma. That's very upsetting.
I had one grandma that was a little, she wasn't, we were riding in the car, she was smoking on the back. I was, as you know, very quiet. I never spoke up. And I was about to vomit.
So I said to her, Nana, do you mind not smoking? I don't feel well. It was very hard for you to say that. So she goes, ah, she kept smoking.
And I got off and I remember barfing on my flip-flops. I can still see the barf on my flip-flops. And she wasn't like, oh, I'm so sorry. You did tell me that.
And I'm sorry. She was like, yeah, I'm trying to clean out your flip-flops. I loved her, but she didn't know. And we're also softer people.
I was a sensitive kid. So things hit me like really, I internalized everything. Like I remember my grandparents, we were driving one time across America or somewhere. It had to be America.
And I think my grand, somebody accused me of pooping myself. And I didn't. A grandparent? Yeah, or somebody said, hey, somebody pooped themselves in the car.
And I was the only one in the car that wasn't a grandparent. But I kept thinking, you know, you can feel it if there's poop in your pants. I couldn't feel it. So I was like, oh, I didn't do it.
And my grandpa had done it, right? He took me to the gas station or whatever, went in the bathroom and washed my butt as if I'd done it. Did he also wash his butt? Yeah.
He used you to cover his shit. And my grandma hated me for it. Dude, my grandma was nuts, man. She had this lady over there with pet raccoons, and I couldn't go in there when they were in there.
Pet raccoons? Yeah. This lady named Dell was her name at the computers. Oh, shit.
Well, maybe your grandma's trying to protect you from like a dangerous animal. Nah, she just wanted to be together with that lady. She just wanted them all to herself. But it was just a different time, man.
Yeah, I think generations are different, too. So it's weird, because I feel like our parents probably didn't like attach so many of their feelings to their parents and stuff for their behaviors and how they were raised. Yeah, it was different. But now we kind of do that a little bit more.
You think back and go, why am I like this? It was like shoving down in the generation before us. Now it's almost too much saying how you feel about things, I think, publicly. I see so many videos, and I think you could have kept that to yourself.
Yeah. Yeah, there's some stuff. Like a Demi Lovato girl keeps coming out of the closet every week of something new. Yeah.
You know, she's gay, she's straight, she's a merry-go-round, she's a bartender one week. There's a video, this girl, and she's explaining how she changed her gender beyond the hour. It's like, how am I supposed to know? So she has bracelets she wears.
And she wears this, this, this, this. It's exhausting to be a friend, I think. Yeah, okay. And also, well now it's come full circle because you have transgender, you have men competing in women's athletics.
That, I am sitting back and enjoying the show, because it really threw a monkey wrench. People don't know, because it's like, you're trying to support and hate the same person, and you're like, your mind is slow. And you've got to feel bad. Imagine you're a woman, and you worked your whole life, I'm going to the Olympics, and I was like, you're the best, and you're the best.
And then this 43-year-old guy comes into this, he's, this is not going to last. There's no way this is, we're in a unique time. You can't be biologically a man and join a female Olympics for it. Warren Hubbard has become the first ever transgender athlete.
And is she packed and rude, or what's her deal? Did they say? Why don't they just make a section for transgender people? Yeah, maybe that's the answer.
I think that's the answer. And don't even make it the Olympics, or just make it like a, just a national, you know what I'm saying? Like, see if there's enough to even make a competition. You might only have to do it.
There's not going to be enough in an audience, they probably know that the financials don't work out. I'm sure Triller would sponsor it, dude. The people that did that in the whole fight? Oh yeah, Triller, God, they're making money.
I don't know if they are, dude. It looked like a place that, they had too many concerts in it and stuff. Didn't you make 20 million off that or anything else, those fights? One of these kids did.
Wow, we got to do it. What if we fought? What can we make? If we take our audiences and we say, we're going to fight, it's going to be all out.
We don't want to fight. That's what's fascinating about it. Do you know what I mean? We're going to get in the ring.
We don't want to fight. And we're going to. If someone falls down for real hurt. Yeah, that's called knocking somebody out.
Yeah, if someone's knocked out, we fight. There's no bell. There's no ref. It's just us.
Oh, no ref, yes. I like that. What do we make? I think 20K each.
That's not worth it. If you said a half a million dollars, we'd have to do it, wouldn't we? Is that a half mil? I think you would have to fight.
Well, let's do a comedian matchup and maybe we could put this card together for people. And maybe we're going to fight. We're going to be announcers. Nah, we're making money.
Let's get our 20, but we're not crying. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Who can we pit together? I think you have to put Chris Delia.
He's in the first. He's the main card. Yeah, he's in the main card. We don't have Eliza selection during the lower card.
I could Chris versus Eliza. Oh, yeah. She would destroy her. I mean, she would not.
I don't know. She's got pretty jacked on. She would probably take a women's. Whitney, maybe.
Whitney versus Eliza would be quite a matchup. Both like athletic. Whitney's got them heat bags on her dog and tits. Wait, is that a healthy fight?
I don't know. It would help me wild. Eliza's loaded up. I don't know.