E349 Last Words

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Never fill out a job form again. Just go to theladders.com. Slash T-H-E-O. That's theladders.com.

Slash T-H-E-O. Check it out. Oh, well, I'm alive. That's the first thing I noticed about myself this morning when I got up.

I'm still alive. You know, it's not a guarantee. Some people die in their sleep. I wonder if I would like that.

Die in my sleep. I almost, the thing about dying in your sleep, and people don't think about this. If you die in your sleep, you don't get any last words. You don't get that last serving of outspoken.

You don't get to say anything. If you're stabbed or if you, you know, fall down some stairs or something. You know, if you're stabbed, you can, oh, why? Why are you stabbing me?

Why are you stabbing me? You know, and then maybe some famous quote or something you get to do, you know. I could have been a contender. Give me liberty.

Give me death, you know. From the window to the wall, you know. To the sweat comes down my wall. I mean, you get to, at least if you're out and about, or if you're not asleep, if you're not dying in your sleep, you get that last moment.

You know, even if you're falling down some stairs, you're like, oh, dang, this is the last time I'm going to be alive. What the fuck? Uh, but at least you get to, you get a final say. Because otherwise, if you're dying in your sleep, you just get that epithet.

And an epithet is something people write on your, uh, on that gravestone, that death marker. You know, that, uh, that funeral yard, um, little placard, or placard, I'm not sure, I think it's French origin. But then, then somebody else guesses, you know, what they, what you would have said, you know. Or they give you a final little hoo-ha on there.

So. What do you think you'd do, Raleigh Mal? Would you die in your sleep, or would you, you want to go out in a living moment? I think I want to go out in a living moment.

And what, would you have a final word or something? Would you get a, would you get one final jab in at the world, a verbal jab? Uh, yeah, I don't know. I would say, uh, you know, something.

All right, we'll come back to you, bud. We'll come back to you with that. Uh, today's episode is brought to you by Greyblock Pizza. 1811 Pico Boulevard, on the way to the beach in Los Angeles.

Greyblock, get that hitter, baby. Let's get into it. Come on, baby. This is Eddie Ninefold, The Come Up.

I'm on a come up. Gang. Feels real good after I've been so blue. Mm-mm-mm-mm.

Feels so good after I've been so blue. I'm on a come up. It feels so good to have a brand new view. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Well, I just broke up with my baby. Now I don't know where to find the love in you. Mm-mm-mm-mm-mm, yeah, yeah. Come up.

Well, I just moved up to Lucky Street. And I may have came and said to me, you're on a come up. You're on a come up. Come on, baby.

And it's lame to see, but we are you and me. We got so much love and chemistry. It's on a come up. You're on a come up.

Well, good things keep on coming. And there ain't gonna be no running. No, I'm on a come up. You're on a come up.

Well, I just got home and now I'm back. I got so many people coming. Where I'm at, I've been in Tennessee, I've been in Ohio. And that's that right there, baby.

That'll get you. And if that don't get you, then you probably can't be got. If that don't get you, you probably can't be got. Because music has that infectious ability.

You know, there's very few things that can just get you immediately out of nowhere and make you behave differently. A dog bite can do it. A bee. A bumblebee, baby.

They can do it really heavily if they choose, if they want to, if they're feeling like it. A dog bite, a bee. What else? Lightning, which is really just God's bumblebee, baby.

And music. Those are the things that can really get you. Just take you from nothing to something. And an escalator.

Those are about the five things that can really maybe shift what's going on with you. I went to the fights. That's what I did this past weekend. I went out there to Las Vegas.

And, man, it was a scorcher. The plane couldn't even land because, at first, the runway was 115 degree. And they said the runway, if it's higher than 114 or something, can't land. So that took an extra 40 minutes of delay time.

And then you're sitting there and it's, you know, it just, then you're having to kind of mingle. There was two, like, just thoughts. I mean, just real girls that look like they've just been, the kind of girls that will just, they'll just look like they've been beaten up even at Christmas. And they just, one of them was just so aggravating and just kept ordering drinks.

And the guy, the guy in the, you know, the server, the flight attendant, sorry, I mean server. But the flight attendant, the air man, he said, we can't have drinks. And the lady, like, ordered three times and it's just a nightmare. And I just wished that I was Italian enough to do that thing where when you're sitting behind somebody in an Italian movie, someone, the person in the backseat will put a cord around the person in the front seat's neck and just lace them up like a shoe until they're not alive anymore.

And that's what I wanted to do. I wanted to do that. There was two girls. One of them deserved to live.

I'm going to say, I'll put it like that. The other one, we didn't need her. We didn't need her. Did we need her?

Nope. We sure didn't. She said, I don't know. Jesus Christ.

And who's emailing me now, Best Buy? Bunch of assholes. What do they think I'm going to do? Hey, Best Buy, let me say this to you.

Okay? Every night you want to email me around midnight, 1 a.m. First of all, your stores aren't even open at that time. Have you thought about that?

Second of all, what do you think I'm going to do? You think I'm going to get out of bed with my stuffed animal or with a girl, maybe? What do you think I'm going to get out of bed to go look at one of your Xeroxers or look at one of your 71 inches? It's 1 a.m.

And you guys are beating me over the damn screen face with your, you know, we got toasters. We got Mortal Warrior 60, you know? Join the group. Don't you want this oven?

Bitch, I'm asleep. I don't need an oven while I'm sleeping. All right, I'm trying to get some rest. I'm not trying to get a deal, Best Buy.

So, you best believe me when I tell you to leave me the fuck alone in emails. But anyway, yeah, so I got out to the fights and what was going on? I mean, first of all, it was a packed event. You know, I get over there and, well, did you watch the fights?

Rally Mow, did you watch the fights, brother? I did not. All right, what did you do over the weekend, Bob? Filmed the wedding.

Oh, wow. And whose was it? No, no, it was a Catholic wedding. Oh, okay.

And now what's the time, like what's the time commitment? You're going to go film a wedding. What kind of time commitment is that? Pretty much all day.

Okay. And do you have a certain shot list you like to try to get? I do. Okay.

And is there any kind of sneaky shots where you get something like a, is there any stuff you try to sneak in the back room or hide behind a window or something, get something a little perverse, not perverse, but you know what I'm saying, something that's going to, you know, make them cover the baby's eyes. If they're watching the video back, it's going to make them cover the child's eyes if they're in there watching it. I do not. Okay.

So you guys are really more of a PG outfit over there. Yeah, yeah, pretty much. Okay. And have you ever filmed a wedding where you didn't think that they should go through with it?

Not that I can think of. All righty. Is it, how's your own love life going? Well, man, last time we had you here, you had a real, there was a woman who let you down from Memphis, I remember.

Yep. Kendra, I think was her name. What was it? I don't even remember.

It was, I got her out of my mind. Wow. Yep. Isn't it funny how it'll happen?

How one day it's the most important thing to you and then, and then it's an old male, you know? Exactly. What's up with your wedding bells on your own fund? Is there any new relationships in your life?

Unfortunately not. Okay. I'm still looking. You're still looking, huh?

Yeah. Are you on the apps? Are you just letting the, you just letting the Lord work? How are you managing it?

Uh, I'm just letting the Lord work. Amen, Bobby. Amen. Um, and what about are you, do you, you know, I struggle over the years with a little bit of pornography.

Do you struggle with it or you're good? I don't. I'm good. God, you're lucky to hear.

God. Motherfuck. Um, all right. Well, I'll tell you about the fights, man.

Okay. You guys, if you didn't see the fight, I mean, it was, uh, first of all, I get there. There's tons of, um, you know, Joe Rogan has done an amazing job over the years. He created this unique bridge where, um, where comedy and where comedians and fighters are allowed to co-mingle and, and there's a mutual kind of, I don't know if it's a, it's definitely a respect in the fighter's direction, but there's a, like, I got to go up to Max Holloway and say hello, you know, and he knew who I was.

I mean, that was like, made my life, you know, um, you know, you're able to, in my DMs, I'm communicating with other fighters. I run into other fighters and there's just like, uh, Ricky Simone, um, you know, uh, Corey Sanhagen and I will communicate some, like, uh, Ty Tuivasa, who was drinking beer out the boot up there on that cage after he gave Greg Harley that. I mean, he hit, I mean, he just hit him. He gave him that fat rattler, baby.

You know, he fucking hit him with that New Zealand brown snake, baby. You feel me? He really shook him down with that fricking, that big coconut cane hole that he, Ty really, he snuck him. He snuck him with that magic arm duck.

You know, he bit him with that fricking, he bit him with that big, that elbow quacker, dog, you know, that dirty duck that left or that right. I don't know what it was, but, um, but there's just a way like, and that's all because of Joe Rogan, you know, Joe Rogan does comedy. He's done, he does UFC. He's the voice of UFC.

And so you're just, it's interesting. He's allowed to, he's allowed to co-mingle with those people. And there's a level of, I don't know if it's, it's definitely respect towards the fighters because, you know, they're fighters. So there's always a lot of respect towards fighters.

Um, but there's a, there's a level of respect that comes back from those guys towards the comedians and stuff. You know, I think it's interesting because, you know, we all put ourselves out there in some way to get an energy or a vibe or something to get a, to be seen or heard, you know, fighters, they're fighting to get that, you know, they want to be, we're all trying to prove something. We're all trying to fill in a void or a necessity. There's these spaces inside of us that are missing a building block.

And we're all trying to, out in the world, just chiseling different moments and different goals to get them to fill whatever that space is. And, um, and I noticed a lot, I noticed between fighters, I noticed between comedians, I noticed between strippers, uh, pornographists, um, but yeah, this need to, to, to be seen or noticed, uh, or complete. Um, but yeah, and Joe Rogan's really built that, but he, but he, he makes it okay kind of for comedians and fighters to interact because he's that Lego that's keeping that, uh, both of those entities connected. Um, yeah, I went to the fights.

Uh, I didn't know that Joe Rogan had left me two tickets. So I get there, I got one, I just brought myself, you know? Um, so I get there, I got something, I got two tickets, but it's already into the, uh, undercard. So I texted a couple people.

I didn't know anyone that lived in Vegas. So I texted Glenn, big baby Davis. He was a guest on this past weekend. You know, uh, he's an, he's a Louisiana guy.

I figured I'm there to see Dustin, another Louisiana guy. It'd be great. Um, Glenn was, I had just left town. And so then I'm stuck, you know, and I thought about trying to text a hooker or something, but then what if they show up, they don't look like their picture.

And then now you sit next to some lady that looks like Bert and Ernie. I don't know if you've ever done that, but sometimes you get an escort, they show up. They'll look like Bert and Ernie. You're like, dang.

Okay. This double puppet out here. I can't even, and nothing like the, the picture they had on the internet. That is a goal.

That is a, I mean, they must've been hit by lightning and something by bees or something because there will be a total different vibe or energy coming off that woman. Beautiful ladies. And I look, and they're beautiful ladies. I'm just saying the last minute, you also, you don't want to get a last minute hooker.

That's not, some things there's, or escort. I shouldn't say hooker. Like it's, you know, it sounds a little, I guess, like they're not doing anything. I mean, hookering, but I respect hookers and escorts.

I respect anybody that's doing something like that. Um, you ever consider anything like that? Raleigh Mow, you ever considering, you know, uh, using, you know, some men or something that they, if they're not having luck with women, they'll get out there and get up. lady of the night kind of has it ever crossed your mind or what I know a few people that have but not for me okay and what do you think about like do you feel do you look down on it or is it just not your thing do you feel like it would be too nervous of an interaction it's just not my thing yeah and where what type of place are you trying to meet ladies these days are you at the laundromat are you doing are you indoors outdoors where are you trying to meet these gals anywhere anywhere never thought about a laundromat but hey can't go wrong well I'll tell you what's good about a laundromat is that it's a place where women prefer to do laundry and I'm not saying it's a sexist thing or a you know I just and I'll be honest they do it better you know I've seen a dude with some laundry and it's it looks like somebody just kidnapped a bunch of clothes you know when you see a guy with some laundry it looks like it shouldn't really it looks sad I'm gonna say that but a woman you see laundry you see she's able it's just women are more delicate clothes are delicate so when you see the two together it just has a more comfortable fit I'm not saying women need to do laundry I'm not saying that at all okay I know a couple cushy Viettes you know a couple soft handed Viettes you won't even see them touch the pillowcase and next thing you know it's all you know fold it into a damn duck or into a damn Raven Simone even one of them could even fold it into a damn you know a Larry Bird you know the ability sometimes of these the small paws on a Vietnamese person to maneuver the cloth into perfect shapes and stuff is magnifique as they say abroad magnifique but what were we talking about what were we talking about Rodney Mow you remember um can't at the moment alrighty man me neither bub so I'm gonna let you off the hook on that one but uh damn well anyway I went to the fights Dustin won I almost got to go in the ring when he won which would have been pretty cool I mean it's you know you're just there to support him uh you know it was also awesome to see Sean O'Malley um you know he's just an entertaining guy uh and you know he's trying to you know add to his knockout resume Chris Moutinho was the guy who fought him and the guy that was one of the most exciting parts of the night was when that guy took just kept taking the hits from um from Sean O'Malley because we all want to like keep going we all want to take the hits and keep going and we do we do it on a day to day basis so to see this this little I mean he had the green hair color this little uh Jolly Rancher he looked like a My Little Pony kind of hopped up on Jolly Rancher candies but to see him and I don't even say that in a rude way you know I was fascinated it was one of the highlights of the evening people were chanting Rocky at one point um to see him just keep going to see them call the fight at the end and not let him finish was a little rough but uh but man that was amazing because we all want to take the hits and keep going and he did that uh yeah that was amazing um what else what else is happening what else happened this weekend we had some videos that came in some submissions of things that were going on um and I'll get into those in just a second uh we'll find out a little bit more what's going on from uh Mr.

Riley Mao and see what's happening out there in the on the uh in the hot in the hot uh hot world in the low-key Christian you know young fella Asian world we'll get into that in just a second I'm gonna tell you this wouldn't it be great if there were a pocket-sized guide that could help you sleep focus act and be better well there is if you have 10 minutes Headspace can change your life Headspace is one of the only meditation apps advancing the field of mindfulness and meditation through clinically validated research so whatever the situation Headspace really can help you feel better if you're overwhelmed Headspace has a 3 minute SOS meditation for you God I need that you need help falling asleep Headspace has wind-down sessions I've used Headspace I like it it helps it's available and it has the different options that's the thing it's backed by 25 public studies 600,000 five-star reviews but look meditation is what you make it you have to want it if you want it you'll get it you deserve to feel happier Headspace's meditation made simple go to Headspace.com slash Theo that's right go to Headspace.com slash T-H-E-O for a free one-month trial with access to Headspace's full library of meditations for every situation it's the best deal offer right now head to Headspace.com slash Theo today for a free one-month trial you deserve it I think also I want you to know that tickets are going on sale Friday for the Netflix special taping we will be taping in Nashville at the Ryman Auditorium you'll be able to get those through TheoVon.com slash tour and that's where I would suggest that you get them man it's going to be exciting what else oh I'll tell you this you need to know it that ShipStation is the one who can do it for you you know people sell things online you ever sold something online Riley now I have what'd you sell buddy oh man I sold iPads phones a lot of stuff okay electronics yep you can sell all types of things you can also sell your crafts online you ever done a craft rally I have well you can sell them online that's right you can sell your crafts online at ShipStation yep that's it you can import orders from any sales channel ship with any carrier using ShipStation's deeply discounted rates automate just about any shipping task no matter if you sell them through Shopify, Etsy or your own website ShipStation heck you can even sell ships if you made small ships you can sell them hey you're shipping through ShipStation you can sell anything from anywhere the interface is on your phone if you want to use UPS FedEx, USPS ShipStation easily compares carriers and chooses the best solution every time with ShipStation small businesses can now access the same rates usually reserved for Fortune 500 companies just use our offer code T-H-E-O to get a 60 day free trial that's two months free of no hassle stress free shipping that's ShipStation.com enter offer code T-H-E-O make ship happen um Riley Mal there was a lot of uh you know since you've been here there's been a lot of alleged attack on Asian in the world have you heard about this? I have and were you seeing any of that on your doorstep? were you seeing you know anything like that where people throwing torches through your windows or anything what's going on? give me your feed on it man I didn't even know the thing um until someone brought it up to me I was like oh that's the thing do you see any reason why it's happening?

um do you see I can't decide here's the thing every day probably 700 people get attacked I would say in America just generally based on the numbers of people and the possibility of other people that want to attack someone would you agree maybe that? yeah so some of those people are going to be Asian just because there is Asian people that are alive right statistically they're just so I can't tell if it's really a thing or if there's just of the 700 attacks four of them are Asian and so they make it they just focus on them now you know do you know what I'm saying? yeah yeah what do you think about it? no I mean you're absolutely right um I mean there's just you know people are Asian yep they're alive it's going to happen do you have any more insight?

are you hearing anything from your grandparents? are you is anybody sending you a scroll or sending you something you know is there any you know any are you getting any old school information? is there what's coming down the Asian pipeline that you're hearing? are you guys you know getting armored up is there any intel you can give us?

yeah man no I mean as far as I am in my family we're clean I haven't heard anything okay and have anybody been attacked your folks or anything? no okay so it's not your doorstep huh? not that I know of yeah well good man I'm glad you're staying safe and uh and you're staying busy out there and I'm happy to see you today Bob great to be here great to see you too alrighty let's get into a little more let's get into a little more um we've also got some tickets out there for Huntsville, Alabama people can go check it out uh yeah what else happened to the fight? let me think what else happened it was a lot I ran into a lot of great people there was so many like um TPW fans King of the Sting or TPW listeners King of the Sting listeners and that was great just running across people uh you know the Uber situation in Vegas was insane the taxi lines it was all insane there was a Bruno Mars concert going on you listen to Bruno Mars, Riley?

I do alright we got a Bruno Mars going on you had Garth Brooks who was basically the white Bruno Mars the white senior citizen Bruno Mars at this point and he hid the bodies or whatever but you got Garth Brooks then you had um the UFC and uh and man it was just it was just so many people going around and um what else yeah was that the fight so anyway I'm sitting next to an empty seat the whole time because I had an extra ticket couldn't find anybody to go and you don't want to get a last minute hooker I don't feel like you don't it's just it's just a life because there's that risk gate moment and anybody that's ever been involved in hookering you know whether you've been a consumer or whether you've sold sold weenie or sold a female crotch that you know I mean it's the picture people put out there on the interwebs is not the picture that shows up at the door okay it is a little different it's kind of like pizza it's kind of like dominoes or you know the thing the stuff you see on the documents on the pamphlets or whatever that's not it looks good the Cinnabons or the crunchy you know the cinnamon you know little you know chum nuggets or whatever they're called I don't know what they're called you know what they're called I don't awesome and so whatever anyway the treats on the thing on the pamphlets look good they look good the shit you shows up at your door looks fucking you know that's what that and so I just didn't want some you know some lady's got 2,000 lip injections and she's you know her lips are like a flotation device in case something happens you know like on an airplane they would be doing the thing in the beginning like you know a mask will fall from the ceiling please put the thing you know there's a life dressing under your seat please pull it out and put it around your neck and she would just point her lips like hey we go in the water I'm good you know I got these fucking tongue pontoons up here on the outside of my mouth hole that's going to keep us all safe you know so I just didn't want to get I don't know that was just a risky move and then also I didn't want to sell the ticket because I didn't want Joe Rogan here no I sold his fucking ticket even though he probably would have appreciated it you know I know he's a capitalist guy just like all the rest of us are in this country or you know but I just didn't know so anyway I had an extra seat and I was by myself I was right behind Dustin's wife and his like kind of family friends Tim and his wife and so it was kind of I could go up and talk with them and that was exciting and you could see the different celebrities coming in and out that was pretty cool one thing that's tough about the last time when I got to sit in the seats that are right behind Joe Rogan so one thing I realized when I'm over there when I sat over there you can hear the commentators commentating the fights you can hear what's going on the seats that I had this time I wasn't close enough to hear them so you don't hear any commentating like at home you hear the commentating on the television I wasn't hearing any of that so you're just kind of looking a lot it's a lot of looking and listening but not hearing like a ton it's kind of like bird watching a little bit like bird watching after the fight I snuck in into the back area I got to hang out with met some of the Cleveland Browns that was really cool man actually super nice guys Baker Mayfield Austin Hooper respect man you know we talked about the dark arts I guess he's you know he definitely is he knew about him and so we discussed some of that and Odell Beckham Jr met that man who else was back there David Cho who's friends with Bobby Lee you know who that guy is Riley Mal I do there you go and yeah there was some different Sia there was some different musicians you know all the celebrities that you saw on television if you watched the fights JB was there Justin Bieber I didn't get to see him Donald Trump I didn't get to see him I saw him come in but I didn't get to say hey but it was definitely you know it's just all of what's going on you got the fighters you got the fans it was exciting but the difference is the value in seeing it on television is you can hear the commentators you can hear what's going on and the tough thing about being at the venue is you don't get any of that so you're just guessing are they in an arm roll did he put him in a leg monster what happened is he bleeding is he bruised did he have too much breakfast you don't have any of that information is he on the front foot side control mission control missionary you don't know any on television you get Joe and John and Daniel Cormier telling you a different thing but when you're just standing there looking you don't know if the guy is you know if he's flat footed if he's got two arms if he's you know doing a double entendre you don't know if he's you know you don't know if some guy is getting beaten you don't know if it's you know you don't know if somebody has asthma if they won their last fight you don't know if you know Sugar Sean is about to knock the color you know the food color and have that one dude I mean you just you don't know any of the information so but it was magical it was really magical just great to be there to be able to support Dustin then I got to go over to Dustin and his wife's home after and meet some of his coaches and that was really cool because I got to ask them some questions I met the owner of the Atlanta Hawks the basketball team I'm kind of just bragging here but it was just interesting just interesting people to talk to about stuff I had an Uber driver that drove a brown car and I'd never seen a brown car since my dad had one you know my dad had a Delta Cutlass 88 he had that Delta Cutlass 88 and it had he bought it off a couple brothers down the block and it had 22s in the trunk and he didn't need the 22 but he couldn't hear anyone my father couldn't hear well when I got to know my father he was in his probably about 78 time I got to kind of start to know him and he would drive us around and just listen to you know news and public radio with bass you know so it'd just be like Jesse Jackson you know just listening to stuff about politics and like you know I mean it was just it was crazy you know listening to the weather this is 70% just these huge 22s just rattling the trunk and one of them had old Chinese food and it kind of fermented in there but anyway let's get into a couple videos that came in Rodney tell me about this have you been on any other dates since I've seen you I was close to one but no and what kind of gal was it if you had to describe her give me five words to describe her let's see brunette cute funny talented female okay talented seems like I mean talented seems like what was the talent she you know everyone in Nashville she sings guitar musician gal yeah that's right oh wait I forgot you also were involved in some sort of crime thing or something weren't you I was and what yeah what happened with that did you what was that deal I remember somebody sent me a picture and said and I'm sorry I didn't check in with you but it was late at night when I got it and I think I was probably watching a movie or something watching one of those 2020 episodes have you ever seen the show I have god it's good but anyway what happened with you yeah I mean just you know super long story but basically you know it was just a couple roommates but I don't talk to them anymore you know they don't talk to me which is good so we've gone our separate ways and did you go to jail or anything I did not okay could you handle it in jail you think what do you think you would do if you went I think I can handle it I don't see that but I do like your attitude about it man yeah not a lot of people see it really yeah do you think you would have like a would you keep a weapon on you or something I mean in prison I don't think that's allowed if it was allowed oh yeah okay right there I'm telling you look I'm gonna tell you straight up buddy you don't stand a chance you are gonna get torpedoed in the bot if you don't have a weapon on of course it's not allowed alright if you were going in prison by what is allowed dude you're done you're done buddy you know and I'm sorry to tell you that straight up but you can't get to prison like hey guys let me see the rule book you know before I settle in for the night you will die in your sleep by murder not natural causes yeah you're not wrong so I think you gotta you gotta have a shank you gotta have a shiv you gotta have a throwing star a death star get a culturally appropriate weapon get a damn Sia or something who was the ninja turtle that had the damn the weird thing that nobody ever wanted to be that guy yes yes yeah who was he do you know it not off my head no it's been a hot minute that's your people buddy and you have the Sias I think they're called the Sias or something but anyway yeah get a weapon man and if you thought about the thing what would you say if you're dying Raleigh I don't know it okay you know your last words not that I can think of alright we'll come back to you in a little bit the last words is a tough one you know your wife shows up puts four or five shells right in your cleavage or whatever in your neck what do you say oh why did you do it you know you want to go out with something heroic you know you want to go out like with a you know oh I'm awesome you know like you want to get whatever you know you want to what would you say hit the hotline with that 95-664-9503 I would love to know what would you say it's your last words you've just been shivved or you know or poqueted or whatever they are you know some Asian fella hit you in the damn back with a bow staff or something you know some freaking G'd out Viet in a damn rice rocket just ran over you now he's going to run back over you you know he's just softening you up for the Lord with that Honda Civic and you get one chance to say something what do you say go to hell what do you say I could have I'm hungry what do you say you got the last words what do you say it's a good question we have a lot of neat stuff that came in for the episode I want to take a peek at some of it right now here's a question that came in right here here we go gang hey this is Dakota out of North Carolina and there's a video question and thank you Dakota for sending this in you know and I like seeing video questions I can get a visual of you because without visual I don't know I hear your voice I don't know who you are are you a senior citizen are you black are you brown are you white are you pink are you pink do you have a skin condition or something which is fine if you do you know when I was growing up we had a fella bust real real tender skin he didn't get all eight layers of skin you know kind of God shorted him old five layer and the name of Franklin they would call him five layer Franklin and damn sometimes you would see the sun poke out the clouds and almost just put him on his damn knees dear God and so people would run over with umbrellas or something he always had a couple umbrellas on but damn old five layer they couldn't even you pat him on the back and almost fucking put him on the ground you know you could feel his spine real well you could feel his C spine T spine you could feel his elemental P spine if he was a damn pervert but praise God thank you for sending this message in here Dakota from North Carolina and if you like to talk about basketball or chewing tobacco then you will love North Carolina man it's where you could put a you could hit a three pointer and you could put a damn six pointer in your lip if you get one of them high dose uh dipping snuff packets onward I was just wondering how you feel about the trade world you know like the trade industry welders pussy boy electricians you know people do drywall shit like that you know I'm a welder I got my helmet right here and I was just wondering you know how you feel about kids getting into the trade world instead of going to college you know dang that's a good question mister you know I have a brother-in-law young fella named Ricky I think that's his name that's what he told me his name was and he could have lied to me but he's he's he said for years that's what it was but he um he's a welder and he really seems to enjoy it and I really think it's a good trade and you can just be guaranteed kind of knowing what money you're going to make you don't have to go to college where anything can happen in college you can get them you know you get a lot of diseases hit the dormitories and people get something yellow fever Raleigh Mao you ever have something hit the dormitories or something I've not okay did you ever stay in a communal living type of place for education I did and what happened in there did anybody ever come down with a stomach flu or something at least ants did you get anything in the building anything that you know a grievance that brought you guys together communally um not that I can think of all right all right good well that's awesome but um here's what I'm telling you uh brother is that yeah it's good get a trade know what you're going to do then you're in control of it you go to college you take an anthropology you know you take four years anthropology you fucking work in anthropology you don't even know you never see a damn insect unless they got a damn roach hiding in a quilt in the back so I think you have to you know you know you're in control of your destiny and I like welding man I do like it I used to work at a piping I used to work at a piping company and my job was washing off all the clevis hangers and the pipe fitter stuff and just organizing and I had to paint and they had this kind of rubber stuff this sealant you had to put on things and every now and then uh this song by Sugar Ray would come on the radio and uh and Sugar Ray also sounds like a nickname of like a a gay man but anyway every time this this band Sugar Ray would come on the radio and they had a song called I Just Wanna Fly you ever heard this song Riley I've not well you gotta get out more buddy and uh it would come on and the welders would stop their welding and they'd make us subservience we was a couple of us me and this my tall friend Billy he got bit by a shark and he died actually not at the same time he died later from something else aneurysm or pills but God bless him and I miss him he was tall and he was an asshole my friend Billy was a complete asshole but uh but he also was nice you know he also was funny and we had a nice time working together and we worked up we worked with this other little fella named Soldier Soldier is a black gentleman and he was he had about 90 do-rags and he didn't do shit that's the irony he would come to work and not do shit like how you can have on 90 do-rags and you ain't doing shit but we had a good time but anyway when the song would come on I just want to fly or cry maybe it could have been I just want to cry fly I just want to fly by Sugar Ray's the welders would make us dance you know they threatened us with the torches and they'd make us dance but uh very lord of the flies ass kind of shit but we made the most of it and I really loved it man I loved going over there I loved the sense of community you know I loved uh there was drug use if you wanted it and I didn't mind that um so yeah I think getting a trade doing some welding you get to wear neat hats welders have neat hats you know some cool little deals and uh and their wives get mad at them a lot I remember that a lot of the fellas would talk about how their wives were always mad at them and we'd have good lunches get you a little big po'boy sandwich man go to my Sweet Gerald they had a gay fellow over there on the west bank in New Orleans a little sandwich place over there named Sweet Gerald's god damn it was good the roast beef was wet bro and Sweet Gerald I'll say this he had a look in his eye like he he's sweetened the meat personally you know what I'm saying and that was that made you kind of cringe a little you know when you swallowed but after you you know once you had a couple mouthfuls you weren't complaining anymore and you can hear children crying in the background of that uh that is a very Fallujah vibe you know and hood fireworks is what it is man I mean here's the thing everybody wants to shut the hood down but if you don't have the hood you don't have hood shit going on and you don't have this one that last shell almost hit a damn dove it looked like and this is some real I mean you almost got a they should make a team or something this group the guy in the back yelling hold that bitch gangsta you know these men are having a good time a couple of adult men out there you know firing fireworks in the daytime that was the interesting part of this daytime still so kind of wonder what the end game was there with firing some shells this shit looked real I wouldn't be surprised if the one was in it drove off an MRAP man this looked real uh militario so what else we got a lady duct tape to a plane seat let's look at this video somebody sent it in thank you for the submission that's a lady exiting the plane as you look over and you see the lady sitting there duct tape and they duct tape her mouth but they didn't do a good job have you seen this video Riley I have and what do you think when you see that kind of thing what do you feel what do you think um I mean that's a thing that happens well now previously they had a fellow that beat him down and drug him out of the flight a year and a half ago or two years ago you remember that I do and now it's come to this now they're just leaving him in there I guess and just taping him up do you think that this is kind of handled properly what would you do you're at 2,000 feet or whatever you know you're on an airline somebody starts losing it what is the uh and you're also a Weedlo scout what scout are you Riley Eagle Eagle my bad now as an Eagle scout is this an appropriate way to detain somebody is there a special type of uh knot you would have done um I mean I think in uh if you're 2,000 feet in the air uh this is the only thing you can do is duct tape them yeah what kind of knot could help is there any knot that if you have to keep someone to a chair what knot do you go and this may be more of a question for Weedlo I don't know the different gradients uh no honestly any knot will do okay you have a favorite knot uh I like the boneline knot hmm or the clove hitch oh okay okay um and I want to say what do you think is leading to this kind of thing I think there's a lot of people are not used to being around each other anymore we've gotten a little bit more solo it's the me generation is and they're all me generations now we're by ourselves we're in our own world when we have to interact with others it stresses us out we're not used to it and nothing is more stressful than being on an airplane of course where every other video you see somebody He's fist fighting They're losing a tooth They're attacking people So it doesn't shock me That this is the place Where the stress hits the fan Where the shit stress Hits the propeller And they duct tape The lady to a plane seat What do you think Is an alternative To duct taping a man Like this Riley I mean if you're 2,000 feet in the air I don't know if there is Another Wrong answer buddy Sedating It would be sedating And you know This goes back to the You know I was at a funeral Recently a guy died Everybody I know dies And I was at the funeral I saw my principal From when I was in third grade And he used to be able To give me corporal punishment That's where they can beat you With the spatula With the big wooden plank And this dude roughed me down A couple times Bill Brady was his name And I said He aged well He aged well Still looks like he You know He could He could really put it on me You know I mean he could It's still like he'd make Par on my ass with that wooden plank You know I'm talking Greens and regulation This dude would be up down With that thing He knew how to work the paddle And that was when you went To the principal's office They could beat you And that's what I think We should have Instead of having You know Hit him with a couple pills Give him that butt lozenge Bro Throw in that back jaw daddy You know hit him with that suppository You guys do a lot of suppositories And have you ever seen them Or have you ever done them I have not Alrighty Well a lot of them I'll tell you what it is They take a butt A vitamin or something Put it in your butt Or a pill They put it in your butt Do you know that I do At least you guys are knowing it You know And they say it's because Your intestine absorbs drugs Or whatever it is pretty quick But that'll do it for you Right there Getting that in your That's what I say You plant You know what I'm saying Give him that fucking hot nugget Up the old anus And next thing you know They're out You don't have duct tape And who even taped this lady The taping job Is minimal I feel like You know it's basically Shoulder tape And then just the mouth Like you gotta I would say And the lady also has green hair You know it's just We're at the point where These are the loose ends of society These are the loose ends of society God bless that lady Alright Here we go right here A guy who looks like me Here's a guy right there Oh he's staying confident The hard part is to stay confident And look at a woman Not bad there Riley do you struggle With the actual moving in For the kiss I've spoken about this Recently a lot on the show Do you struggle with that kind of thing What do you struggle with When it comes to those Intimate moments I mean yeah I mean last time I remember it was my first kiss And it was interesting It was a little tough And what is the tough part Like starting the kiss Maintaining it Once you kind of get the kiss going Do you remember what the tough What was some of the real strain It was just starting off Once you're in it You're in it And when you're in the kiss Do you then kind of Do you try and What do you do with your hands Do you put your hands around the woman Are you Were you aiming for breasts Were you trying to make further moves Or were you just focusing on The mouth and the mouth activity I mean I just put my arms around her Like I was hugging her Oh beautiful And was that indoors or outdoors Indoors Oh god yeah Yeah take the weather out of the equation Keep more balls in your court You know Exactly And was that the last kiss you had As of right now yes We got to get you back out there man We got to get you back out there And how do you fend off the desire To touch yourself in That's what I struggle with sometimes I just don't have that desire Wow And do you think it's because you're Asian Do you think it's because you are What do you attribute that to Because a lot of Asian people Have that inner power I don't know if it's an Asian thing I think it's a lord thing Okay Wow man Yeah because a lot of whites Are just spraying out You know Yeah So good for you bubba Alright let's get into A couple more questions here And I also want to let people know That the sun's out And your bum is out But hopefully Your pubic hair is not You got pubic hair rally now I do Flip flop season is upon us And you're out here with those Post pandemic toenails You got to tighten yourself up Our friends at Manscaped Have you covered They just launched their Fourth generation performance package And their Shears 2.0 nail grooming kit Join the Manscaped movement By going to manscaped.com Slash theo For 20% off and free shipping That's right The performance package 4.0 Includes the new lawnmower 4.0 This trimmer will change the way You approach your grooming routine And you know mine was I got one I got to get My charger's messed up or something But I got to get The one time I used it man It was good Got a light on it You can see what you're doing That's right If the power goes out You can use your lawnmower 4.0 To illuminate the way As an LED spotlight You can see your junk Get 20% off and free shipping By going to manscaped.com Slash theo Support the podcast guys The podcast will disappear If there isn't support for it Manscaped.com slash theo For 20% off and free shipping Manscaped.com slash theo Tame that summer swamp in your pants With manscaped.com slash theo I'll let you also know About BetterHelp man You ever been with Therapist Riley? I've not Well you will one day And when you do man There's BetterHelp And you can do it online You can do it on your phone You can do it on FaceTime You know I remember one time I was trapped somewhere I don't even remember where It could have been daytime or nighttime I couldn't even remember I couldn't even see that well But I needed help And God was He wasn't not available But I needed something I wanted something different at the moment And that's why I needed BetterHelp BetterHelp will assess your needs And match you with your own Licensed professional therapist You can start communicating In under 48 hours It's not a crisis line It's just therapy These are licensed therapists It's committed to facilitating Great therapist matches So they make it easy And free to change counselors If you don't like your counselor Get a new counselor It's one of the biggest issues With getting help People get stuck with it They start with a counselor And they stay with one Even though they know It's not helping them Change it up Change it up You're there to get help You're not there to You know You're there to get better Make sure it's a relationship That you can communicate in Positively and negatively Visit betterhelp.com That's better H-E-L-P Join the over 1 million people Who take charge of their mental health With the help of an experienced professional This podcast is sponsored By BetterHelp We all need help And this past weekend Let's get 10% off the first month At betterhelp.com Slash T-H-E-O I'll say this also We got new merch available Theovan.com Slash store We also have The art for sale The podcastville art If you've seen the The beautiful animation art That Papio Tune has done Go to theovan.pixels.com You can get the podcastville mugs You can get the art It's beautiful When they deliver it Really nice stuff to have Theovan.pixels.com What else? I'm drinking liquid death You know that And it's good People are always sending me pictures On IG of them having an LD And when I was young LD stood for learning disabled And we had a lot of it around us You know I grew up in an autism area And a real hotbed for autism Artism They called it And we didn't know it was French Or whatever now They hadn't put the I on it But you know Lance had autism Or somebody had it Richard You know one fella named Sharpie We had a black fella named Sharpie And he had a hit of autism And a strong hit Jesus I mean just damn A genetic swamp inside that beautiful guy And he had nice fucking legs Dear God Who has the nicest legs you've ever seen Riley Mal Oh man A lot of girls I've seen Really? Mmhmm So are you a leg man When you fantasize brother Are you a leg man What do you think about?

Um Titty what? I mean everything Oh damn Oh Okay Okay big old Um Look into a couple questions That came in And uh And we'll figure some things out here Here we go Hey Theo This is Cam From We Have Utah Hey Cam From out there in Utah And Utah is It's a great place man If you want to wrangle A little bit of white titty Onward I just wanted to call in man This is my first time calling in First stop I just gotta say man I love you I love you a ton man I know me and a bunch of my friends We all listen to you You know you're something I get a little look forward to Every single week And you put a smile on my face And you know I'm hoping You can come out here To Salt Lake soon So we can see you Thank you Cam Praise God brother I appreciate that Man it's nice of you To share those words man It's important yeah But anyway man I got a question for you I'm 20 years old Almost 21 And I'm kind of starting to Get to a point Where I'm thinking about Getting myself into a relationship You know maybe someone I can take out to McDonald's Or someone nice like that And then touch tummy with A little bit after Who knows Oh damn Okay That McFlurry baby I feel you again But uh I'm talking to this girl Who recently broke up With her boyfriend And they've been together For a little bit But her boyfriend Happens to be one of my Best friends that I love Like a brother So I guess my question is Is you know what There's priority Is it bro code Can I you know Chase this girl Even though she's My friend's ex Or you know Do I gotta let her go And I just gotta find Someone else bro Yeah Thank you brother I love you man Yeah I love you too brother You know this is a tough one I had a friend recently Who was hooking up With my Or who went I shouldn't say that Who went on a date With an ex of mine Without asking me I didn't know I found it from her And it hurt my feelings You know I got a lot of feelings So it's easy for him To get hurt I got I have feelings left out In the yard I got so many damn feelings I got feelings inside Outside And they just sit down On my sofa And you're like Oh man I just have some feelings But um You know I think You gotta ask him first That's the first move Then you have to evaluate The response you get from him Um You also don't have to do it immediately You know I think Given there to be some time Uh But I would ask him And I would just let him know You know Hey I know you dated someone So I'm kind of interested in her Do you think it would be strange If I explored a possibility with her I think that's the way You gotta start with her Now if he gets weird And he's like Look man I don't really I think it's kind of messed up I think it's okay to also explore Some of his reasoning Like You know if he's like Man I still really like her It'd be uncomfortable If she's around us You know If we go into taco time Or whatever And she's with us Listen she and I Was just at taco time I still got You know a picture of us On my phone from me And her sitting there A month earlier That might be weird But now she's over here Nibbling on your Fucking fajita biscuit You know That might be weird So I think you just Got to evaluate it Because in a month He might feel differently He's gonna feel a lot differently At least if you talk with him And he doesn't find out Some other way So that's the only way To do it man Now do we all do it that way No I mean did I end up Making out with some dude To date who brought Who he brought a girl To the show of mine In Dallas Four years ago Yeah You know And I still feel bad There you go guys Alright let's get Another question here What's up Dale Yo my name's Colin I'm giving you a call From Palm Beach Gardens Florida What's up Colin Down there from Palm Beach Gardens Baby PDG And that's good stuff Going on down there In Florida You know beautiful people A lot of You know a lot of Summer Hebrews down there Too you see a lot of Hebrews down there Summertime Wintertime You know you'll see A lot of people A lot of pediophiles Up in North Florida Latinos down in South Florida You got a lot of escapees And a lot of swamp babies You'll fucking see a baby Learn to slither before It learns to crawl Like damn People are like oh look He's crawling And it's like I don't know He's moving fast And he just ate a mouse But onward brother You know I've seen You announced a lot Of tour dates recently And you know a little Disappointed I was wondering What's keeping you Away from Florida You know I know I've listened To some podcasts And some other guys They don't really like Coming to Florida I love coming to Florida Man I can't wait To get down there I want to go to Orlando That'll probably be The first place I'll go I think we're putting A Florida leg of the tour Coming up A lot of it has to do With places I've been to Before and then Getting to go back to them You know it's taking A lot of like Right now I'm like 40 days off caffeine 40 days sober From any drug or alcohol Right now So I'm trying to Just get myself in a space Where I'm healthy enough To get out and do touring You know And to feel okay But I'm feeling really Motivated And I'll get down there man We're putting a Louisiana Tour together right now Right after Christmas And I believe it'll be In Florida And possibly even Canada Right after the first of the year So thank you for asking Man we'll get down there Hey Theo my name's Luca Hey not you shit Sorry we named our dog Theo And yeah anyway What's up brother Luca And that's a very interesting name And that's a name From another country as well Thank you brother Onward I might cut his hair into a mullet First of all Let's address that Oh yeah Mullet dog up baby Dogs have had the same Shitty haircuts forever It's about time We tighten these bitches up You know what I'm saying If they're a man's best friend They won't mind If we fucking trim their shit up Fam Gang baby onward Mullet on dogs A new trend apparently What you think But anyway The reason I'm calling in man Is I just got a promotion at work And I live over here On the east coast And everything keeps going In the way that they want it to And that has gone so far There's talks about them Having me move out west somewhere Trouble different states in play But the question I have for you I think you wait Until you get a little closer man You don't want to be scaring nobody early. And women, they'll start packing early. She'll have all your shit packed.

You know what I'm saying? You won't be able to, you know, you won't be able to get a damn soup spoon for the next five years. You don't even know if you're going. She'll be like, it's in the box.

It's in the box. You know, you're looking for a hat or a summer shirt. You know, something kind of almost strapless summer shirt or whatever. And you can't, you know, it's all in the box, everything.

So you don't want to be living out of boxes just because, you know, even if she does start preparing, if she comes around, because they'll pack everything. You know, I used to sleep overnight at my friend Scott's house when I was young and his mom would make the bed. We'd be still in it. She was just a real clean freak.

I'd be in the dang bed. She'd make it. What are you going to do today? I don't know.

Try and get out this bed. You know, as I'm pinned down. So, and if your wife refuses to move, that ain't your wife, bro. That's a lady you used to know who's now having to support herself.

That's who that is, Bobby. So, but I think you wait and evaluate a little bit closer, man. All right, let's get one more right here. Here we go.

What's up, Theo? This is TK up here in Northeast Missouri. TK, and I used to know a fellow but who cares also what it stands for? Homer, thank you for calling, man.

Hey, I got a dilemma and I need you to help me solve it. My girlfriend, she drinks coffee all day. You know, she brushes her teeth and stuff all the time but I just, her breath don't smell right. It drives me nuts.

And I'm just, you know, kind of wondering how she'd go about it. Should I just give her hints or, you know, should I tell her that her breath smells like dookie or just be upfront about it? I don't know, man. Just let me know what you think I should do and help me with no problem.

Praise God, brother. And thank you for reaching out to me today about this, man. And this is an issue, I think, in a lot of communities. You know, uh, you know, uh, and actually I think a lot of communities is different.

A lot of Asian people don't have bad breath, really. You know, they got that feng shui in them, baby. You know, they're all shined up in their feng shui, bro. They really, you know, they're all, you know, they got, they just have these small things and it's very digestible and they can, you know, they'll have a little bit of maybe ravioli or something but they also follow it up like apple cider or something.

You know, they're very, they drink out of small cups. They really, so they're not just flooding the system. You know, a lot of black people and white people will just flood their system with fucking chicken nuggets and, you know, bullshit and all of this. Milkshake.

So, you notice a lot of bad breath in your culture? Well, I'm out. I don't. I knew it.

I knew that. Thank you, man. But I would say this. I did a girl with bad breath, man.

Her breath got bad at night and I was afraid to tell her anything. But I think if it's a girl you love, you're with constantly, I think you slip her a couple minutes, you know, and then eventually you say, hey, baby, your breath is not as good as it could be and I want the most out of you, you know. I want to love you and smell you. And any woman, nobody's going to be mad if you tell me they have bad breath.

But it is hard to do. But look, we back you, we support you and I think that you can do it. So, I really believe that you can do it, brother. And look, if somebody leaves you because they have bad breath, dude, fuck them.

If they're like, I'm leaving you, then take your little freaking booty mouth and hit the road. You out here fucking swamp chatter? Hit the run. So, it's a win-win situation.

Now, unless you secretly like having a bad breath, maybe that's what's going on as well. I got to run. I got to run. Riley, thank you so much for being here.

What would your last words be, Riley? Riley, did you get something? I'll just say, you know, I mean, if I can't, if it is my last words and I can't, you know, have more words, I'll just be like, I'm out, y'all. Peace.

Okay. Even if it's a sleigh and you're at a park, somebody stabbed you, you know. I mean, I can't go back in time. If they already stabbed me and I'm already dying, you know.

Why not? Go out with Bing. Yeah, I'm out, guys. Peace.

Yeah, I like that kind of. It just kind of covers everything, kind of. No matter where you're at, it's kind of okay. It's not really like abrasive to anyone.

Just like I'm out. Do you? Oh, she's out there somewhere. I just don't know where, don't know when.

Yeah. Well, she'll show up, man. Hopefully sooner than later. Maybe.

You think you're ready for it now? Oh, I'm ready. There you go. Now, those would be my last words, I think.

Oh, I'm ready. I'm ready for the Lord. I'm ready to hit that next level. I'm ready to warp zone.

My last words I'm trying to think would be, let me think. Somebody stabs you or shoots you. And I'll be like, gang, gang. Or maybe I'll be like, bitch, but I have my money.

One of those, man. I'll hit them with that gang, gang, gang, or bitch, but I have my money. But the Diamond Poirier won, man. He won.

And it was exciting. We went to an after party after. It was fun. They had, you know, the bottles.

You know, just like people doing stuff. Like a nice sign that said Dustin, you know. And it's just cool to watch someone achieve their dream. There's something special about seeing somebody achieve a dream.

I think whether it's big or small, it can be some kid getting a, hitting a baseball for the first time. Or even hitting it off the tee. You know, it could be somebody getting their first kiss or touching their first, you know, titty through electric fence like I did. You know, it could be somebody surviving a dog bite or making a casserole that their grandmother used to make.

You know, it's just, it's beautiful seeing somebody live out a dream, big or small. That's what we're here for, man. I think sometimes it's just a bear witness to even life, which I'm sure was the dream of some higher power. Maybe.

I don't know. I don't know, baby, but I do know this, man, that I'm going to come up and you guys can catch us here. We'll be back on another episode soon. Thank you so much for being a part of my life.

You can get tickets at theovine.com slash tour. Thank you so much for being a part of my life. And I mean that. You know, I'm lucky to be living out one of my dreams.

And so much of that is because of you guys. So hope to meet each and every person that listens to this podcast in person sooner than later. And you guys be good to yourselves. Riley, thank you for coming in, brother.

Thanks for having me, Theo. You bet, buddy. All right, gang, baby, we out. Ladies and gentlemen, I'm Jonathan Kite, and welcome to Kite Club, a podcast where I'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events, stand-up stories, and seven ways to pleasure your partner.

The answer may shock you. Sometimes I'll interview my friends. Sometimes I won't. And as always, I'll be joined by the voices in my head.

You have three new voice messages. A lot of people are talking about Kite Club. I've been talking about Kite Club for so long, longer than anybody else. So great.

Hi, sweetheart. He's a deal. Anyone who doesn't listen to Kite Club is a dodgy bloody wanker. Charmaine.

Hi, I'll take a quarter potter with cheese and a McFlurry. I think Tom Hanks just butt-dialed me. Anyway, first rule at Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club. Second rule at Kite Club is tell everyone about Kite Club.

Third rule, like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on YouTube, yeah? And yes, don't worry, my Brad Pitt impression will get better.