E353 Shane Gillis

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Drink up. Today's guest is a tall man, and he's a comedian as well. He was semi-recently affected by cancel culture over at Saturday Night Live. He is a co-host of Matt and Shane's secret podcast with his partner, just friend, Matt McCusker.

Today's guest is comedian who I met last night, Mr. Shane Gillis. Shine that light on me. I'll sit and tell you my story.

Shine on me. If I were you, I found a song. I would say that it just goes. How you feeling, bro?

Me? Yeah. I feel pretty good, man. I was just trying to think earlier about how I'm feeling.

I think, somehow for me, it's like I have to think about how I'm feeling. Yeah, for sure. It's like I think some people are just feeling, you know? Yeah.

It's like when you're depressed. You've got to, like, figure it out. Because when you're depressed, you don't, like, know you're depressed. You're just kind of, like, tired.

Yeah. I don't feel like doing anything. You've got to take some time. Yeah.

I just want to say goodbye to these guys. I don't know what it is. I just want to say goodbye to all these cats. Yeah, yeah, man.

I just don't even know them. I miss them. Yeah, man. Thanks for letting me get up last night.

It's cool. Oh, yeah. I was happy about it. There was a good crowd in there.

They were. I was a little, like, I couldn't figure them out at first. It was a weird Nashville, you know? There's certain states where, like, Austin or Nashville, like, Richmond was like that, where it's like, are you guys supposed to be, like, fucking Hicks?

Oh, yeah. And then they're, like, ultra-liberal or, like, not ultra-liberal, but they're, like, no, we're not Hicks. Right. We care.

Yeah. Over it, you know? Are we recording this on? Yeah.

All right, good. Okay. I wasn't sure. You know, I do think it's funny to find, like, a real country audience.

Like, my audience isn't, like, a real country audience. Do you feel, what is your audience? Do you, I was trying to gauge it from the stage last night. Yeah, yeah, yeah.

You don't know, man. You really don't know what means you walk into, like, he's, like, putting on his pants. Yeah, yeah, yeah. He walks seven minutes in his audience.

I don't know. I don't really have, it's new, the audience thing. So, it's mostly just podcast, guys. Right.

Things like that. Yeah, for sure. Yeah, there was one girl there who was, like, I felt like she was not even looking at the stage. She was kind of looking the other, like, she was kind of sitting to the side.

Where was she at? Over to the right. Yeah, I remember her. And she, for me.

She hated me. She hated me? She hated me. Start to finish, hated me.

And I hated her for it. Oh. Everyone's a lot, I'd look at her and be like, what the fuck? What are you doing?

Isn't that crazy? Why would you do this? She, like, was mad. Yes.

I'm glad she was mad during your set. Oh, she was mad during my set. And even Ari, because Ari Maness was there. And he went up before.

Kind of a bigger lady, right? She was more of a Ruben-esque. Yeah, kind of like a, more like a Rodin paint. You see her in like a Rodin.

Can you bring up a Rodin paint? I think, anyway. Yes. But, yeah, that was, I was like, okay, these are Shane's bad girls out here.

Yeah, you think I got the, yeah, she almost had a goth appearance. She was a little bit of a goth. R-O-D-I-N, brother. That's Larry Rodden.

Who's also apparently a good artist. Yeah, it looks good. Yeah. Oh, yeah, it is.

I think he did some. Oh, there we go. There's that blob to the right. Oh, that's her.

I recognize that lady. I used to go when I was in school, some type of school. I would go to the library and look at all of the, that was all my pornographies I would look at. It was that kind of stuff.

Heavily, bro. I remember going in there and I would, oh, I would get erect and then I would put my erection into the book where, in the library, right? Like up near the shelves and close it as hard as I put it on my penis. So you were like attributing Renaissance paintings.

I was, yeah, I mean, I was into like, I remember I'd go to a certain section and be back there. It was icy. It's crazy. I really thought about that.

I went through this whole little deal to do that. That's a lot. It is a lot. That's a lot.

That's crazy you did that. It is crazy. You were sticking to books and smashing them? I would open the book.

I'm not saying the book was asking for it, but I would do that, man. I would just like, the book was willing to be a part of it. How old were you? I was probably 13, maybe.

Yeah, this feels like a seventh grade endeavor. Just something, yeah. I think it was just like, I think I just wanted to, I don't know if I wanted to meet a woman from the past or if I was just, that's how I could see pornography. You wanted a woman from the past, you think, maybe?

I don't know. I'm just trying to think of why would I have done that? Because it feels good to smash your dick into things? Yeah, that too.

And they're naked ladies? Yeah, it just feels... And porn back then was impossible. And if you could score some porn in school, that's...

Dude, I'd like the science book. Yeah. I'd be like a skinless woman. I'd be like, nice.

Yeah. I'd be like, you can see your pussies. I can see the inside of her pussies. I can see the workings.

So you're just making it to the drama? Oh, bro. Give me a biology book? Oh, yeah.

I remember two moons in a clip, and I remember thinking it was like breasts. Is it a drama pussy? Yeah. It's a pussy.

What would you give to just titty-fuck this lady? Oh, man. We were like seventh graders. That's the dark arch.

That's when 9-11 happened. She was a lady who broke the news to me about 9-11. No way. Giant tits lady.

I remember when I was young, if a teacher was hot, I couldn't even hear them when they were talking to me. I think that's one of the reasons why I had trouble learning it sometimes in certain classes, because it's like once I couldn't hear anything. Yeah, you were in the library smashing your dick into books. You're not going to learn anything.

You're not going to... There's no chance you learn. Yeah, that's true. Somebody should have got ahold of you and stopped you.

Yeah. That would have helped. I was at the library for so many hours. I think at some point I had to do that.

This gets a real bookworm. Yeah. This gets literally... He's studying art.

He's failing. I don't know how he's failing. He's literally warming these books over here. And I was...

Oh, would I have to drink these? Yeah. That's sparkling. Do you mind?

Is this sparkling water? Is this a little flat? I don't know why I thought this was... This is water?

Or is it coffee? It's water. Liquid death water? Yeah.

Where's this stuff from? Flint? I don't know. Probably.

Yeah, that's actually a good call. Yeah, how is this not... Liquid death water? The Sanctioned Water of Flint.

They're having a tough time. Oh, wow. But, dude, nice to meet you last night. Thanks for letting us get up, man.

Yeah. We kind of talked a little bit briefly about... Oh, we have a question. What is this one?

Sean? Hi, Theo. My name's Joe, and I'm a big fan from little old England. Enjoy my bath.

And I'm a professional Shane. What is his opinion on age-yup relationships? Seems to be okay with the younger woman and the older guy, and not so much the other way around. So, I'd like to hear your opinions.

Okay, bye. Wow. That could be one of... That's somebody's schoolteacher.

She's in the bathtub. British ASMR in a bathtub? She's asking me about how I feel about older women. Would you bring me down here to make me come, dude?

Are you trying to get me hard? Is this a setup? No, I've never seen that. You invite me over here to put on some ASMR, give me fucking rock hard, give me some water.

What are you doing? Can you jerk off on this podcast? What's that? What does she want?

What's that other question? How do I feel about older ladies? I've never seen that question. I've never seen that woman.

I'm glad she's staying clean. I don't know that lady. She's attractive. Obviously, I think she's attractive.

Look at the suds on her chest a little. I didn't notice that before. No, we didn't bring you down here to get anything out of you, man. Not at all.

I mean, it's just some information, I guess. What if you just masturbate on the mic and just laugh? What is the question? What is he doing?

No, I agree. I think, yeah. Have you been with older women? I've been with older women.

I like it. You do? Yeah. Unless, do you guys want to talk to me?

A lot of people, when they see me, they want to learn about my sexuality. Really? I'm a real... Yeah.

They want to ask me about sex. You look to me like a politician, I feel like. And so, everybody wants to know, you know, kind of what Bill Clinton's really into. That's why you're the closest that I've ever gotten.

You're the closest to Bill Clinton? Yeah. So far. I mean, height and style.

I think, yeah. Older ladies. Yeah. Sometimes when you're with a young hot girl, you feel like, this is my job for this to go well.

Yeah. But when you get an old slut, a geezer slut. That's when you just let her fucking... Oh, I've never done that.

Oh, what the hell, lady? You know what I mean? I guess. Yeah.

I don't know. What the hell are you doing, lady? I don't know. Oh.

Yeah. They really know how to pickle the onions, you know? They do. They press my gooch.

Oh, wow. Oh, my God. Room's going crazy. Yeah.

And that's our producer, Riley. Now, he's never even masturbated in his life, which is true. Who is that? Riley.

You've never masturbated? No. Give it a shot. No, no, no.

He's like... It's too late now. No, it's not too late. I don't think it's too late.

I don't know. Hopefully he can. I don't know. He might have autism.

I don't even know him that well. He's a great guy. I'm glad that he's here. Sorry.

I didn't even bring that up. It just kind of fell in the conversation. Are you doing okay, Riley? I am.

There you go. You've just never masturbated? Nope. He's part of a religious group, and they don't do it.

Yeah, what type of religion? Uh, Christian. Oh, shit. Yeah, I'm still firing off.

You're more of a Hester-Brand guy. Yeah, yeah. I was a Catholic, and they would talk to you about coming. Oh, okay.

That's a priest asking me. You grew a Catholic, right? Do you? Or no?

We were like six Baptist, I think. Oh, okay. You ever get any guys talking to you about coming? We had a professor, I guess.

I think it was a teacher, you know? And I remember he drew a picture of a wiener ejaculating. What? And he kind of described it.

He told us what the feelings would be like. We wouldn't be able to handle it and stuff. And then he drew it like, um, he drew the ejaculate just coming out. It was really insane.

Was he like, mm? Was he like making the noise with it? I remember he, I do remember it was one of those double chalkboards. Was he like, oh?

I remember he would put the marker on the board and then walk across the board. Yeah, that's crazy. It was pretty crazy, man. And he wore the shortest shorts, too.

He died, man. Willie, I think Derek Austin was his name or something. I think his son might have died, but he died. His son died, too?

I'm pretty sure. I don't want to say that, but I'm pretty sure. And he had the biggest mustache. His mustache came over both lips.

So it was like, the words couldn't even, some of the words just had to guess what they were. People thought he was, some people thought he was black. People didn't know what was going on. It was nice.

We just couldn't understand what he was talking about. It was crazy. It was just different times, man. It was different times.

But yeah, I've never really had an experience with an older woman. So I haven't had that experience. Is it? You just let him go.

Dude, I remember one time this one girl was so hot. I felt like I was afraid to go in the same room with her. Yeah, for sure. So girls, yeah.

I think with regular, like, you know, legally aged women can get a little bit dicier. But yeah, I guess if you have an older lady, you're kind of the little, you're the meal. Yeah. It feels nice to be a snack sometimes.

You know what I'm talking about? So you don't beat off. This is crazy. We're just skimming past.

Never once in your life. How old are you? 23. All right.

You got time. You're going to get one off. I promise. I promise you're going to go.

Dude, I'll pat him on the back already. Sorry, brother. I don't want to say that kind of stuff in front of him. You know, I'm not trying to, I'm trying not to jerk off and he doesn't.

So it's, you know, it's interesting. How many times, do you mind if I ask you about, do you have wet dreams a lot? I don't. That's crazy.

What happens, Riley? Do you, but you're saving yourself for late. Is he gay for us to talk about this? I am.

We're fine. I'm gay about the fuck about guys. Okay. All right.

What, uh, do you have a lot of sensations in your body, Riley? Not really. No. I was kidding.

I'm sorry. He can't ask you about sensations. I'm sorry, man. Can we even hear Riley?

Do you have a lot of sensations in your body, Riley? Uh, not really. Are you serious, man? Yeah.

You have no feelings? I know this, brother. Do you get hurt? Have you felt pain?

Physically pain? Physical? What kind of physical pain? Like you ever break a bone or anything?

No. You ever get a cut? I've got cuts. What happens when you get cut?

I don't know. I put a band-aid on. But does anything come out? Have you ever bled?

Yeah. All right. But you're okay, Riley. You don't have a birth defect or something.

I don't. Okay. That's what I was concerned with. If you don't have any skin on your body.

Oh, like a penis? No, no. I don't. So you get erection.

Right. Okay. And what do you do when you do? Do you go outside?

Do you put your hands in like a... Do you just calm down? I just ignore it. Dang.

Wow. That is power, bro. That's pretty impressive. That's power.

Do you like the Karl Malone of your own behavior, bro? I mean, that is insane, baby. Yeah. Wow.

I mean... That's wild, man. Yeah. And I...

I don't want to see... I just want you to be happy, man. Do you wish you never had? Never had cum?

No. Ejaculate it. There's never one part of me that wants that. Yeah.

I mean, it'd be fun to experience it again for the first time. Yeah. That would be nice. But no, I'm proud.

I'm proud of almost everyone who put it almost across the board. Oh, so you're in 4A, right? There's been a couple of years. I don't have any problem with it.

Oh, wow. You're trying not to jerk off? Yeah, I try not to feel bad when I do for some reason. It makes me feel disheartened.

It just goes away right away. Wow. Like, I don't feel... My friends feel that way.

My friend Matt, who I do my podcast with, he's a big... Like, it's pigging out. Don't be gross. Don't jerk off like that.

And is that... Gies? How do you say that? Gies.

Gies. McKeever. That's John McKeever. That's a different...

Okay, that's the sketch. Yeah, that's the sketch. Yeah, yeah. Wow, well...

But yeah, I used to go into that library and I liked it. And the lady, this is the reason we were able to get away with it. And I say we, it's just me. But because the librarian was the largest woman in our town.

So there were some stacks. Some books that she couldn't even come down. So it was like... It was great.

You could tell she was coming, too. It was a commotion. Yeah, you could see a shadow again. You could see a shadow.

You know what I'm saying? There would be some sort of a vibe. You know what I'm saying? Like a kid would be quiet.

You know what I'm saying? Yeah, it was fun shushing people. And doing it like as a dick. Yeah.

To yell. And anybody that was... It was like that Quiet Place movie or something. Yeah.

Or the best was when anybody got in trouble. You guys go, ooh. And you start screaming. Ooh.

My one friend used to like... If you fucked with him at all, he'd scream. If you like grabbed him or something, he'd be like, Jay, get off for the last time. Like, you'd get in trouble if you fucked up at all.

It's very funny. You can still do that as an adult. Yeah, you can. You can.

Get the fuck off. I told you. I didn't touch him. Yeah.

Dude, that was fun. Being a kid like that was fun. Yeah, yeah, yeah. She's like, yeah, you are in trouble, dude.

Everyone knows. You're fucked. Dude, the worst is when you got in trouble. It was like such a defeating feeling.

You felt everybody's eyes were on you. I would like cry. Because I'd get in trouble. I'd be like, yo, my dad's gonna fuck me up for this.

And he would never like actually fuck me up. I'd be like slapped. Yeah. But I'd get in trouble in school a lot.

And every time I'd be like, dude, you guys understand? I'm gonna get fucked up for this. Yeah. Like, stop giving me these detentions.

Yeah. For like, farting. Yeah. I'm gonna get hit.

Yeah. I'm gonna literally get hit for this. No. No No, it's not that guy I mean, thank God Yeah, this guy Yeah, this was a Oh, this fellow that passed though He had, we'd been in a hot tub I've told this story before I like how everybody's story He's like, yeah, I remember this kid Now he has since passed He passed, bro But, oh, everybody dies I know But, he, the first time Anybody ever ejaculated In our, we were at a party And someone did it in a hot tub And none of us had ever seen it We didn't know about it We didn't know you could do it Yeah So this guy was erect under the water And he was doing like a Remember Loch Ness Monster The drawing Yeah, very funny It was like the biggest Most important thing He kept doing that a little bit Just Loch Ness and his wiener Out the hot tub of water That's very funny It was pretty cool, man Yeah, especially at that age We're dying He has since passed He is still alive But, at one point He was, I guess, pleasuring himself He leans up out of the water Starts spraying out This other kid Thought something was happening to him That was bad Grabbed his penis To stop it from happening No And the other, the bigger kid Punched the kid But, the kid that grabbed him The safety kid The safety kid died The safety kid who grabbed the penis He got punched He's overdosed He grabbed the He saw an ejaculating penis Because he didn't know He got punched too And then he got punched too And died Hell, it was a fucking It's a terrible story It's a tough life story Anyway, man I didn't mean to get off On all that tangent No, I'm glad you did I like it Yeah, man, thanks for having us I like it I like hearing these stories Yeah, man That was an interesting one Yeah, thanks for having us over there, man I know we talked about What it was like going on Rogan Just like the nervousness You know, because you've been there I mean, I've been there a few years So, I didn't I forgot about that nervousness That we go in Right when you walk in Yeah Because the whole time I told you I was hanging out With him during the week And I was like Oh, he's the man Oh, yeah He is the man And then you go in there It's like, oh shit I forgot that this is like This is a big deal He's like a fast watch For a real person Yeah, it really is It really is I've been watching him And listening to him for years Many meetings Like, holy shit He is exactly who you think he is too Right He really is exactly that guy Yes, he really is He's not a different guy He's like a library With a bow and arrow, I feel like You know, he's like Oh, I hear you The information and the ability To like share it And then, yeah, he's fascinating Yeah And then you go in there So, I've been to the new studio Yeah So, you go in there And what's it like?

Yeah, you get tested For COVID, all that stuff Wow And there's this guy There's like It's just nice Everybody's nice Everybody's happy And you go in And it's, yeah That's it How big is it like this? Yeah, it's like this It's like this Yeah, and you go in But then I was up there And I was like Oh, fuck, I'm bombing I don't know why I was just sitting like With nice posture Yeah I kind of look like a fucking I look like an idiot So, I don't want Side angle of my slouched Slug body While I'm talking to this guy Well, you have longer torso too So, you have more slouch There's more of an Ability for you to slouch You're more like You can have that Kind of weeping willow vibe Yes, certainly So, you have to really I have less posture You're funny You make me laugh Oh, thanks Everything you say is funny Oh, dude, no I have less posture With my body style You have more posture than me Sure So, I could imagine If I had to manage Extra foot of fucking posture I would choke myself out It's truly killing me Anyway On stage, especially On stage, I'm like this The whole time No, really? Especially because the crowd's down So, I'm always If you see a side God of me It looks fucking crazy You can see I have a hump I'm developing a hump It's not great stuff You look nice, though Thanks, man Handsome guy We were having fun Dude, I wish I was taller You guys are so You, Chris, Aaliyah These tall guys George Wallace The tall guys Like, hey, here's my arm You know You're not small, though I'm regular size That's nice It's not It doesn't do anything Would you rather be Short or regular? No No, you don't want to be a short guy?

Go sad against anybody short You don't want to be a little guy? I don't think so There's some things about being a little guy That I think are nice You think? I don't make it discouraged That's true Yeah, you're always You're going to live long Oh, yeah I'm big, I'm dead Soon I'm going to be passed away You're going to be telling a story You'll be like I had him on the podcast last week He's since passed away But, you know We were talking calm Yeah We were, man This episode is sponsored by PrizePix Do you love firing on sports? Well, PrizePix is the best daily fantasy sports app for you, indeed You can fire on all your favorite fantasy sports Like NBA, NFL, UFC, and other sports That's right With PrizePix, instead of choosing teams You choose individual players That's what I like about it It's novel It has a unique approach Each player has a set projection And you either choose more or less Than that set projection For example, you might choose The kitty cat, Mr.

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Just be under there Oh you get physically You get in the dishwater It was like a big It was like the final one And I got laid off after that But I never talked to that guy again Wayne that hired me there? No I don't talk to those people I got fired from several jobs Several jobs And I just never I'm done We're done There was one I worked at a nursery It was like for plants Oh yeah Not for kids Plants And I worked in the patio department So I was like putting together They just put me in a warehouse And they put together this furniture I would literally build one bench And just lay on it The rest of the day And they came back They were like you haven't made one thing I was just laying on a bench I was like you know you're fired I was like yeah I'll head out Every day I would build one bench And lay on it That's great One bench Gillis They still got a man But so then But you and Lawrence We'll keep in touch though A little bit yeah Yeah for sure Did he feel bad do you feel like I believe he did But you never know Yeah you never know You never know He could have been the one That was like get rid of him You know But from his What I've heard is no Did you feel like Whenever you were going through that There was nobody standing up for you Or did you feel like Did you have any thoughts like that Sometimes you feel like that Most of the shows about that But did you feel like I just wonder what some of that was like Was there Yeah there's one thing That's very surreal It's very surreal Yeah even your story Listening to your story About going in there Sitting in there I'm like in the story I'm like oh my god When you're in the waiting room Because when you go audition You're like I also never thought I'd get it I was literally I was going in there like Probably not going to get this I knew what I had done in the past I knew my crimes I couldn't believe I was in this fucking building And then you walk in You see that stage You're like holy shit This is awesome Because I wasn't nervous Until I saw that Oh because it's a real stage from TV You audition on the main stage It was crazy But yeah it was cool It was really cool But then when you get cancelled nationally It's a very Also it's a lot smaller than you think It is It's very small That stage Wow I always thought it was huge Yeah And Murphy had been on there Yeah Sorry to bring that up But yeah So were you I was also on there You were on there Did you ever feel like You were a patsy Like it was a set up Did you ever think about that No I don't think so Unless it had something to do with Epstein Epstein was like that week My story overshadowed Epstein You never know There's so much power out there They could easily say Hey let's bring in a gentleman A good gentleman And smear him But did that ever cross your mind or no No Just from the way everybody talked Leading up to it Before they cancelled They knew I wasn't a conservative guy By their standards Yes I am Of course But they weren't like Oh let's get this guy Because he likes Trump I literally auditioned with a joke About Trump dying Being funny Right So Looking back Do you feel like there was anything You could have done different Or was this the way This was going to work out No matter what No I mean I definitely Wouldn't have changed What we did In our podcast You know Yeah That's how I got to New York Right So Yeah it's interesting It's like Yeah that was just the way There was no other way I probably could have gone No Was there a change I'd be less funny If I was like pandering To try to be an improv SNL guy You know Yeah That's a tough That's a hard gig To be that guy To be like Oh I'm silly Yeah It's a weird You know Look at me Yeah I can't do that Yeah And Leslie Jones I like watching that Because at least she has Her own charisma Oh for sure There's definitely people on there I'm talking about the people Trying to get on there Oh yeah Like the improv world And the all comedy world They're kind of like I don't know Who dropped these raisins in the car Yeah yeah Just going on stage And being meta Every time about comedy You know what I mean When they do stand up Where they're like Isn't stand up comedy stupid It's like Yeah Yeah I like it but sure Whatever No it's interesting And I hope I'm not bringing up Any bad feelings I'm not trying to No I don't care Okay cool Yeah thanks for being Want to talk about it man Yeah I don't care at all Yeah I don't have any Experiences like that Except for experiences of learning That I felt like Hollywood A lot of the stuff in there Wasn't didn't fit me Yeah That's the only thing I've learned Over the years Like going to auditions And like trying to be like Oh I'm just a good guy That could be there next door If you need something You know For years driving over And doing that And walking in And knowing in my gut The whole time it wasn't me That was the nice thing Was when I got cancelled Was no more auditions I'm happy about that I fucking hate auditions dude They're so bad You gotta submit a fucking self-tape Of you reading lines And just know they're floating around somewhere Like somebody's gonna get a hold of one It's gonna be you reading lines Yeah and you know There's some perv out there You know this But I mean just frickin Yeah Some dude has got definitely Just gotta be Let me just get Cranking off the auditions Definitely Cause I remember I sent one one time It was a You had to do a Shirley Temple Thing A song from Shirley Temple Right Bring up a Shirley Temple Shot please You can bring up a Temple And I remember mailing that Off to somebody Me singing on a good ship Lollipop And I was like Someone did it Oh you You sang Shirley, you danced I didn't dance But I had to sing They sent you the lines And I never knew what it was for But somebody somewhere has Shirley Temple has since passed How did Shirley Temple die? That's a great question Woodside, California The cause of the death Oh, cigarette smoking Life-long Really?

Yeah Life-long cigarette smoker But avoided displaying Or having it in public She wasn't a bad example But she smoked She made it to 85 Lollipop That's a great example You should be like Look it's not bad I made it They should put her on a Marlboro box Or something Look who made it to 85 It made it to 85 Chain smoking Do all that fucking On a sunny beach And pepperoni She must have got fucking destroyed Oh my god One of my friends said yesterday He wished he could go back in time So he could beat his wife That was the most insane thing I've ever heard The thing that women went through In the past I cannot even fathom All the missing women In the 70s You could just drive up And pick a woman up And they can never Yeah, you could just take her Out to the woods And beat her There's nothing funny about that This guy's getting hard He's gonna jerk off We're gonna jar one out Don't say that to the other guy He's gonna freaking spray beef jerky Out of his body It's gonna be crazy You're gonna not jerk off For like three days It's like, whoa I still got it I'm actually going in three years Can't even imagine Those really devils Got you fired up a little Oh, I'll tickle the back of the leg And he'll be spraying orange julius Yeah, dude But yeah, man Thanks so much for letting me Yeah, it's a good podcast Yeah I was excited You honored me, dude I was hired and fired By Saturday Night Live And I got canceled Yeah And it doesn't feel good When you get canceled It hurts your feelings It makes you feel small What's the scary part about What about the articles And then suddenly your name That was crazy Because I was never anything Right I did like new faces that year And then all of a sudden It was like You're getting That was what fucked me up Was like the comments Now I read comments I've always read comments I've been stuck reading comments I can't stop reading comments And it doesn't like Destroy me anymore I'm starting to get But it comes and goes Like I'll be like It doesn't bother me at all And then every once in a while Somebody will get a fucking Dang man I'm just like Ooh Uh But I would read articles and stuff And I would have dreams I was having nightmares about articles and comments And all that shit It was crazy Damn It was just so crazy to see your name that It's so much bigger It feels so much bigger than you I'm just one person Yeah, it was funny sometimes It was very funny sometimes Because it was with my friend Matt So I'd be like, oh shit, you remember we said that? I totally forgot about that Then there'd be an article It's like, Judd Apatow's gayer than ISIS And we'd be like, oh shit That's pretty funny But I feel bad that shit It sucks that he's got to see that Yeah, who Judd Apatow? Yeah, true He didn't care, obviously Right Which is nice of him Because I was down He could have been like, fuck that guy Easily You ever get canceled? You're gonna get canceled, do you think?

Let's see how this episode does Yes This is going right Yeah, I feel like you said anything cancelable No That's a good thing about you is It's like I can ask you Yeah, yeah, no Where are we at on the evening? We're good We're good So far we're good We're getting close to picking up women And beating them to death No, that was more me than you I'll give you that I was here for it The beating them to death part was me Yeah You said you could just go around and pick them up And that you wish you had lived back then So that you could drive around And abduct women My friend said that No, you said that I don't know if I said it I believe you said it I could have said it But I've been watching these Ted Bundy things at night And looking at some of his artwork You know, we did really good artwork The question came in right here Do you want to play this? What's his artwork? Oh, we did a lot of artwork Isn't that weird about all these children?

This is what my fans look like Just so you know Is this your opener, Steven? Yeah, yeah, it looks like me What's up, Theo? What's up, Nick? Huge fans this past weekend I'm out here in beautiful Philadelphia Cutting lawns and hedging bushes today I got my tan going My John Lennon sunglasses So my question today For Shane is I know you came up in Philadelphia So I want to know I've been having this problem I want to know How many beers does it take you To get incoherently drunk?

It seems to me Every time I go out I tell myself I'm going to take it easy But I overdo it So yeah, my question When you're sucking down those BLs Those Bud Lights How long does it take you And how many does it take you Before you're not able to talk? Thanks, guys Gang, gang, buzz, buzz Gang, bro That is a great question Usually Last night I got pretty drunk on Bud Lights I saw you a couple I had a couple, yeah I came out to see you when you laughed I was like, Theo, dude Good luck on the special I'm going to see you tomorrow morning I'm going to see you It's fucking great The place is great Oh my god, it's perfect Do you drink? I gotta go, uh-uh You don't drink? Not right now, I've got like 65 days Oh, shit I just bought this vape That's good, you're fine You're fine I'll be bad about it I'm sure later on today You've got to have something You're not jerking off or drinking?

Oh, I'm just trying not to And it is impossible, dude Don't do that, don't do that Don't put that pressure on yourself I know, that's the problem I put pressure on myself I know, man What are you doing To answer the question Probably around 20 Really? To get incoherent And this is over the course of 7 o'clock show That's when you need an old gal Disgusting Don't even worry about your penis She's Hebrew for some reason She's black Israel One night I was with Mark McGuire No, Jim McMahon Mark McGuire The old Chicago bear, right? And he had this lady Who was kind of older than him Okay, and he just literally He would drink a beer in one sip, bro He would drink a beer in one sip Didn't he just get like cancer? Oh, right there with the glasses That's the one I spoke with Yeah, I thought it was Mark McGuire For like an hour, right?

Mark McGuire's awesome They're both awesome He answered all the questions I had about Mark McGuire So it was almost like It was like hitting all those home runs He was probably like This guy doesn't know what a touchdown is It was great Yeah, it took out of his mind But he said Yeah, he had this lady Who liked to eat his butt That was one that was older than him And that was kind of crazy You ever do stuff like that? Okay, buddy I don't really get into A lot of stuff like that You don't want to put that out there publicly Oh, no, you mean You don't do it? I don't do it I don't really I mean I would be It would take I'd have to be like I'd have to be like A retreat or something Sure It's some type of vacation Or like a rehab facility Oh, yeah That'd be a decent place to get That'd be if things are going bad If someone ends up Who's a big podcaster Told me that he does it And he lays on his back And gets it like that Oh, he puts his legs up? Oh What big podcaster?

I couldn't even Expose this, man I couldn't even Get him out of our community We don't need these guys Out of our community We don't need guys like this That's a predator Oh, it broke my heart, man When he said it I think I was kind of supportive When we were having lunch And God, it just broke my heart Then he got his ass He held his legs up It was a lot for me To just take on It's a lot And I feel bad Standing up in front of Riley Over there I know Just a lot But anyway, man What were we talking about? I got hired and fired By Saturday Night Live Yeah, it was a It was a traumatic experience But I feel like Do you feel like There is any positives From it over time? Have you started to notice any positives? I noticed positives immediately Did you really?

Yeah, for sure Like you go on stage And people are like Oh, shit, this is This is a guy I never had zero And then it's like Oh, this guy's good Or like, not good But this is a fucking freak This is the thing We get to see this freak But then it's in your head When it's happening Because you see people At any show People talk to each other Whisper at the table And they're like You fucking talking about me Motherfucker Who are you? You know You know what I did? You know what I did? Yeah, so you'd be up there You're in your head constantly And then you meet people That are all You know, comedians in New York And I'm like Oh, this fucker hates me probably Or they probably talk shit Or whatever So it's just constant And nobody cares No one else cares It's just you Right, I wonder what most people Feel or think I guess you never know It's weird how It's like, yeah Do people even really care?

It's almost like A lot of the cancel stuff It's not even a real thing It's just no one cares No one really cared About what you said Yeah, no one did I never once was confronted By one person that cared Really? It was always just like Well, you should have been fired You can't do this It's like, whatever It's kind of weird It's like this invisible rule book It is And we're trying, like Like right now Like with me trying to sell anything Or like work on anything Like a show or anything People are very like Well, we like you But, you know We can't get in trouble Right It's like no one cares about Nobody's like The reason we're not picking you up Is because what you did was wrong They're just like Well, we don't want to get in trouble It's so weird You know, it's like a weird pussy There's this invisible principle Yeah, someone's like Ooh Does that deter any of your thoughts For future stuff? I mean, I see you creating awesome stuff The Trump speed dating thing Was hilarious, bro And yet I'm so bummed Because I'm like Damn, you have such a great look For like being like a new Like Daryl Hammond Or there's nobody on these shows That looks like Anybody that I grew up with It's like this guy This is the guy Yeah, there's definitely like Especially now You can just make your own thing Look at this Right You know And also there's Like I don't want to be on a fucking sitcom Something now I don't I'm good Yeah, some of those days It's interesting Some of those days are kind of over Obviously, yes Yes I would be on Blackish Or whatever, I'll do it Yeah But no, that would suck I'd say yes, probably But I wonder if it would But it would I haven't worked in a long time Having to work Even when we're filming our own stuff It's like, this is hard It's hard I just stand for a day Yeah Crazy It's hard You just gotta go sit in your trailer And it sounds like it's all gonna be nice And it's this thing I think aesthetically It looks nice to people Like on Instagram It looks cool I mean, my trailer We're doing craft services But it's just a lot of like waiting Yeah, a lot of waiting Yeah That's all it is It's not like Obviously we're not comparing it to fucking roofing Right But it's not cool Yeah, I think that happens a lot, man In my experience has been Yeah, then it's just you're in your trailer You're in your trailer You don't have a trailer You're just standing somewhere Eating peanuts and eating M&M's You get your mic'd up Saying all types of violence You're talking shit on the sound guy Who's literally just listening He was like cross-eyed Talking shit on this dude And finally someone was like I was like Dude, I was just fucking playing with you I knew I was fucking around You know, it's hard to figure What gift you want to get somebody Somebody You might know somebody at your house Could be your wife or husband And it's like, damn They were born And it's coming up again I gotta help them out You know Well, the best new gift is You can choose from different World-class artists And work with them Until every detail is perfect You can help go back and forth Hey, you know Danny needs an eyebrow Melissa needs less mustache Send any picture Yourself, children, family A pet Or combine photos into one painting Makes the perfect birthday Anniversary or wedding gift Try something different Yep, that's right At PaintYourLife.com There's no risk If you don't love the painting Your money is refunded Guaranteed, wow And right now At a limited time offer Get 20% off your painting That's right 20% off and free shipping To get this special offer Text the word weekend To 64-000 That's weekend To 64-000 Text weekend to 64-000 Paint your life Celebrate the moments That matter most Terms apply Available at PaintYourLife.com Again, text weekend To 64-000 To try a new gift Something different I'm sure your partner Pet or even you Would appreciate it I hate spam, brother I hate the meat And I hate the emails That are bullshit You get them Everybody's always emailing About something Facebook ads Or some bullshit Roller skates Sick of it My email has nothing in it anymore It's BS It's just damn jargon Well, the zebra If you're anything like me The zebra can help The zebra is the nation's Leading insurance comparison site Man, come on For car and home insurance They do the shopping for you You ain't gotta do the shopping, bro Compare quotes from every major insurance provider Side by side for free All from one independent marketplace The zebra pairs people With the insurance company That's right for them Delivering quotes with the coverage they need And saving people An average of $922 on home And car insurance Combined Come on, that's real money Shop car insurance Without shopping around Get all your options One place to visit Thezebra.com Slash T-H-E-O That's thezebra.com Slash T-H-E-O And now, back to the episode We got a question That came in right here From some young gentleman right here What's going on, Theo? What's going on, Shane?

My name is Cody From Houston, Texas And my question for Shane is What advice would you give To an aspiring young comedian Who has no life skills And delivers pizza for a living? Please don't You should give him the advice Well You gotta get cancelled, bro I think To start Bro, you do something You know, do something a little edgy Do something Deliver a pizza Yeah, that's shaped like an illegal symbol From Germany Put a symbol on it Yeah Deliver a pizza Somebody did that They did? God damn I saw that Somebody got in trouble Oh, damn Please look up Swastika Pizza Please Google that, dude Yes, look at that And the irony is It's made out of pork, isn't it? So that's a double entendre right there, man Yeah, that's bad news Yeah, that's a bad news Little Caesars fires two workers You know how it went Oh, I talked about it You know how it went One dude was like I can't wait for him to pull this out of the oven And see that I ruined it And the other guy Just must have pulled it out And I didn't fucking look at it Just thrown it in a box Shipped it Then the other guy said Yo, what'd you do with that pizza?

He's like, dude, it's out It's tracking It's tracking Watch it, like Oh, fuck, it's at our house, dude Yeah, who are they? Look at their name, look at their name Oh, fuck, Goldstein Dude, don't be fucking dumb Those motherfuck Like, is it B-RT or B-E-R-J? Which one is it? Oh, man, that is a freaking thing So, yeah, the second Dude, opening that?

I'd be so happy If I got home Opened a pizza I'd be like, holy shit, dude The two Little Caesars Are fucking wild now They're wilding out, man Look, there's the two workers Oh, wait, no That can't be the two workers It has to be They just put two random It can be the victims Little Caesars is wild Fire up, dude How little are we now That we're talking about this? Little Caesars says We're deeply disappointed By the actions But bring up Little Caesars This guy looks a little Third Reich-y Oh, for sure And look at them The guy, definitely No, these are the victims Oh, these are the victims They receive his wife, Misty I love that people are named After kind of like weather Like kind of light climate conditions Misty, sunny, dusty So my husband stopped Little Caesars name-dropping For a quick bite Husband brings in someone Truly disappointed, yeah Ah, fuck These aren't funny jokes That shouldn't be made It's true They're kind of funny jokes You don't think it's a funny joke But it's classic On a Little Caesars speaker? It's obviously a funny joke, dude It is funny It's fucking funny, yeah I agree, it's a fireball offense Right, and this is the owner Little Caesars? Holy shit, dude He's got a Roman haircut That's Caesar That's the drawing That's why Bring up the drawing That is I think that is him Wow That's Caesar's logo history If you wanted to be You have to be creative But I think you've got to do Something that's out of the box And that's going to be And then once you're And then I think you've got to wrap I think if you're going to go From having no You need to have something To come back with Oh shit, that guy does work To Domino's That is the guy we're talking about That is a chance He does toss a fucking symbol On him Right What I would do now Is do something Do something the other direction You've got to do A different type of symbol You know, I think you need to do Like a Mason If they have a symbol You could do a song They didn't send it to the people That got the Nazi boots And make it up to them You could do a I don't know what you could do It's kind of That's kind of the only symbol That's like a Yeah, like I remember When we were kids On a school bus We drew swastikas On some kid named Scotty's t-shirt That's funny And he went in Africa We didn't even know What the symbol meant Or anything Of course We'd seen it on like Pamplets or whatever Around town And then we drew it on his shirt And then he had to Wash the shirt, right But he had to keep wearing it So it always had it on there A little bit It was crazy, man I drew it swastikas On my friend's forehead Once he fell asleep No And he cried Wow Yeah That's a Charles Manson He has one Yeah Yeah, so I think You gotta do something You gotta rap or do something I think you gotta really Or come out of the closet Be a piece You gotta do something That's gonna get you That's gonna get you Get your name out there So that's wild So you went from And then suddenly people Know your name Yeah yeah yeah For sure Is it weird when you see SNL people around New York City Yeah friends with Like Michael Che Right Yeah Did you ask any of them To put in a word for you No No I didn't ask No Right What are they going to do Yeah and that's like A fucked up thing to ask Hey risk Will you risk something for me Like I was just While it happened I was like oh I'm fired For sure And then it just got drawn out Like I knew I was fucked Yeah Because if they were mad about that There's other stuff There's a lot Right This is You know Do you think Do you think That you would have fired you No But under the rules Today's rules Yeah you have to Those are the rules But if you want to You know what I mean That's what I've always tried to say I don't argue me getting fired Those are today's rules If you want to talk about like I would have to argue Like we need to change the rules Right You know If that makes sense I don't know if I'm explaining that correctly Yeah I think so Like the rules are what's This might not be what's wrong The rules There should be adjustment in the rules Yeah Well it's so interesting When you take a stand up From what's okay to be on stage And then try to put Because you weren't a sketch guy really Are you well No So you're in that space suddenly And Do you feel like you were A good fit for the show Yeah I think I could have For sure I think I could have done well I mean we made sketches And I did okay in those So I think I could have And I think Warren saw that And he was like I think he could be good You know Or I could have been Decent at Weekend Update Something like that That would have been cool That would have been fun But It's not the It's alright It's fine I truly never thought I'd get SNL I wanted it So it wasn't like Oh my dreams are destroyed It was a surprise It was just like Oh shit nice I got something No you don't Back to what I was doing Yeah Do you And what is this Here's a picture of you on stage Of some other community Oh nice Yeah those are some SNL people And Dave Chappelle Oh wow that's cool Yeah it was fun Did they do like a special thing For you back at the cell Or something when they got back Was there kind of like Was that weird No I wasn't I wasn't passed at the cell Oh you weren't No So this got you passed you think It certainly helped They went like Oh nice you got came In fact they definitely Kept them They chilled on me For like a year or two I just got passed Oh wow congrats Thanks Was there anybody That reached out to you Kind of that you were surprised by That was like trying to be supportive Yeah for sure Yeah Wow Every Yeah A lot of people did Norm Macdonald was a cool one Really Yeah that was a cool one I talked to him for like an hour No On the phone yeah Wow It was crazy What did he say He's another guy that's exactly Who you think he is you know Yeah He was just like eh I don't know I don't want to put it out In the private stuff But yeah he was awesome All that stuff All that stuff was cool It was cool stuff Cool stuff happened So again it was very surreal Like I'd get off I'd be like holy shit That's like top five for me Favorite comedians of all time Just kind of I was just walking around my backyard Talking to him Then I'd come back inside In my shitty apartment With my roommates With my 35 year old male roommates And I'd sit back down And turn the news on And he's like Piece of shit Changuels was fired What a terrible person he is And I mean it was just very surreal So it was kind of like I didn't even have time to be like sad It was just very stressful And like kind of funny When I was just with my friends Right You know Because they would just keep quoting They kept trying to get us in more trouble By finding old quotes And every once in a while They would miss And they wouldn't be offensive And it would just be funny And they would publish them Like a lady from the New York Times Was like He called women who fought in the Civil War Secretly Flat chested bitches She tweeted that It's the worst Yeah it's like What are you doing Knock it off Yeah Why Why are you trying to fuck somebody up I get it if you're doing it For like the greater good If you're trying to like Do you feel like people are though That's the tough part It's tough It's like yeah Are we aiming to do all this stuff Because we really like 50 years from now You want everybody to not have Any judgments on each other Or look at each other In any Because the sacrifice In the meantime Is humor a lot of times Yeah And humor is a risk Like always The thing that was always funny To me was Telling a humor Or doing a humor When you Right when it's not supposed to be done Like the guys Yeah They're taking chances They're taking a chance They took a chance They somewhere They took a chance And they are probably legends Amongst their friends They are probably Truthfully And look Never put a swastika on a pizza Right Not advocating that They deserve to be fired That's a good cancel There's a good cancel there Yeah because it's dicey You're using product To push your own agenda But those dudes are probably funny There's no chance Those dudes are not funny Because they're not real Nazis They're not They're real Nazis They're not putting swastikas on pizzas Right They're doing other work They understand how wildly funny it is For somebody to open a pizza box It's like holy fuck And here's the crazy part And they're willing to risk their careers Yeah but they're putting it on the line They're all in They're like yo I'm risking my little Caesar's job This is going to be funny It just blows up It's basically like German roulette It is But it is a little bit You're right man So then the weird part is The weird part is I'm sorry to keep cutting you off But when they got home And seen that tweet That lady That Misty Sandler Whatever her name was It's like oh shit She's pissed Yo we're in trouble dude I wonder if they tried Like 16 dude I wonder if they tried to blame it On the delivery dude I bet they did I'd be fucking scrambling To blame it on anybody They probably had to interrogate them separate Be like your boy snitch We know My boy would never snitch On this last computer dude It wasn't us Can you find out how old they were Yeah get the culprits And a picture I'd like to see these I'm going to reserve some judgment To us What if they're black It's just like oh these guys are the best What if they're black and Jewish And it was Wait for the owners of the place And it was just a plan to get the Get some eyes on Little Caesars That happens all the time I think a lot of us don't realize The way that publicity is used a lot of times Yeah You know like I don't mind with the SNL thing a lot That did get them a ton of publicity That was the first time people were talking about them Oh yeah For a long you know Yeah I couldn't really name a A sketch outside of that Pete Davidson Chad That even has been going on In the past few years I'm not a fan I'm not like a big fan anyway I'm a fan of some of the people I know that are on it That are really cool people Yeah you're a comedian It's not like SNL's designed for like High schools Right That's probably That's their target That's why everybody's always like It was great when I was in high school Now you know I guess the thing that's interesting I guess but you see guys like Spade And you see guys like Nealon You see like Norm MacDonald Guys like that that went through it And Chris Rock You look at me like Man these guys are still funny Are still And their level of humor And their ability to be funny in the spot Is so much I feel like Better than the ability Of a lot of people I know Or myself or anyone It's just like I don't know if humor was just different than Or if I don't know They just seem so much sharper Yeah that's fair But you're only seeing their sharpest stuff That's a good point You know what I mean You're not seeing them I bet if you went to a comedy club in 95 Well definitely not saw Rock Rock would be Destroying I don't know Did you find these characters?

But in 88 Maybe it wouldn't have been Yeah I think I've looked into this And actually talked about this But they didn't Show the fellas They made a responsibility Immediately terminated Damn I love making pizza man I thwarted a pizza Yeah that's a nice thing God it was nice It's just rewarding You get it It's a circle It's easy There's a couple shapes you put on You do this You do that Boom You give it to somebody People would lace him with drugs I remember we'd send a dude out He was on LSD We'd give him a drug And then he had to go deliver him And find out what happened Oh it was crazy I thought they would find him Just in his car somewhere Christian fella We'd go deliver for a while And we would make orders to Danny Glover Danny Glover? Oh this was in LA This was in Louisiana He didn't know where he was So we'd be like Danny Glover Oh you would write the name Yeah he'd deliver on Sunday I see So we'd write Danny Glover And he'd go drive 40 miles Middle of nowhere to deliver to Glover And he wouldn't be there Wait Danny Glover was in Louisiana Never was We would just make it up And send this guy out No I should have definitely Picked that up Bye That was on Nick Yeah was it Here's a question that came in right here Sup yo Sup Shane I have one question for Shane Today and it is When is that special going to be dropping If it is dropping That you take to Austin I was there So I would like to see that again Just wondering if it is going to drop Nice It should be out It'll probably just be on YouTube And it'll probably be like The first week of September Around there Wow that's it Yeah Did you feel good about it I did I think it'll be good We'll see I don't know Now watching it I hate it You know what I mean Like sitting down to have to watch it And try to like What joke do you want to use here And it's like They all suck I know I look like a fucking idiot up here Were you worried about what you would wear on it No I wear the same shit like every day Yeah So it wasn't that complicated But I did like spaz and get a fucking haircut Like right before Like right before I got a fucking bad haircut Bad dude I look like a crazy guy It was so ridiculous And it was just a nervous panic I went to like a fucking I went to a Dominican barber shop In Queens The day before I filmed And got like a tight Skin tight fade on the sides See the worst part of this And then dude he oiled my hair He gave me a full Dominican haircut It looked fucking crazy They put oil in their hair It's just oil I just feel like Adolf Hitler a little bit Sorry bro I just realized this Don't do that bro That's not it Sorry man you're handsome I think Oh yeah there we go Yeah get fired up Little CSS Did you order the pizza Yeah it's like Dude last night you said one of my I was thinking about it all day You were like We were talking about the Holocaust again For some reason Were we? We were a little bit But we were talking about Oh cause we were talking about Hebrews Nothing bad I think we were with the Jewish man We were just discussing Yeah How uh And then you made a joke We can edit this right If it's bad If you feel bad That I'm exposing a funny joke you made Okay About uh It's like you think there'd be more There's incest in the Jewish community Yeah I think you were like Yeah cause the Holocaust Yeah They were all In the same space Yeah that's what I thought I didn't know It was very funny And then you were like Hitler How far did Hitler live from the Holocaust Yeah I didn't know That's been fucking me off all day Really? It's so funny Think of him You think Hitler commuted To the Holocaust I didn't know Went to work I didn't know Like he checked into an office I was like alright This is good This is what I planned Yeah I think Yeah I always Cause I grew up in an area Of a lot of incest And so when you're around incest You learn about other incest You know you kind of You know water seeks its own Or whatever But so Ari Manis who's my opener Who's Jewish Is always Yeah he told me There's a lot of incest In the Jewish communities Because I always thought A lot of incest He said there's a lot of incest In the Jewish communities Yeah he said it So I always thought that It was because Yeah like the Holocaust People are stuck together You have sex with whoever Is local to you Yes You know which is the same reason That they had incest In our community growing up Yeah Or a lot of rural communities Yeah people don't want to go That far to have sex Bottom line It's sad to say But if somebody you know But I think the Holocaust Was maybe in the ghettos before But the Holocaust I think they separated men and women Right and that's what you said And that shocked me But because I've read I don't know why it's so funny I'm sorry No it's okay Just saying the Holocaust Is a place Is very funny Just being like Did he go to AIDS It's not a The Holocaust is a thing It's not a place What was that book I read I don't remember It was freaking good though But it was about the Holocaust Did you just stick your dick in it You're just reading Night by Eli Weissel Just like oh fuck Oh man Are we allowed to tell these jokes I think we're okay I'm saying it You're not Yeah and I don't think we're Nobody's saying anything bad We're with Jewish people We didn't say anything bad And I just That's something that I thought I didn't know There's nothing wrong With not knowing something True But yeah And then I didn't know I didn't know I never seen the charts Or anything Where did Adolf Hitler live at I was talking about He lived out front or something I guess I equate it To like slavery or something Not that it's the same thing But I just equate it To like a bad thing And then I think in my head I'm thinking But the president He wasn't like Coming down to the plantations And being like My plan's working Right right You know what I mean Yeah I bet Hitler definitely went That's crazy Actually now you mentioned it Yes I bet he did go inspect Like nice Can't believe it's worked That's crazy This idea You know That's crazy Massimized This is crazy When you put your mind to something Just to see it here Brick and mortar He was like holy shit man He was like Everyone's like Just take a step back And be like We did it You know It sounds like A Louis CK battle move Definitely Hitler killing himself Reminds me of it Hitler just When he killed himself He killed himself in a bunker About to get caught And he was like You're not going to get me Pussy And he killed himself Which is pretty funny At the end he just said I'm done Yeah at the end he was like You're not going to get me You guys can't get me It's such a pussy move Yeah but in his defense He was definitely going to get in trouble At that point everyone was like What did you do dude What the fuck did you do Hitler Isn't it crazy how nobody knew What was going on That's the craziest thing to me Yeah You can't keep anything a secret now No You know You can't even keep a couple You can't even keep You know Actually some people keep a secret They had like That Elizabeth Smart girl Was locked up for like six What's that about Months Kidnapped people They had people for eight years At Cleveland in the basement That's crazy But I guess you just don't know What your neighbors are doing Just being locked in a basement But that's crazy In years There's some guy that locks you up What did this guy ask us Oh you want to know When my special is coming up Mark Norman had a great success With his special on YouTube Yeah Pretty cool Yeah I think that's a pretty Reasonable option Yeah And if it doesn't work It's on you You know If I put it out And no one likes it You put it out In a full segment or clips I'll definitely put clips out That's the thing You put the whole thing out And they put clips Which you know If you're doing it on your own Like this is what he would say If you're doing it on your own You have to be your own marketer Right Which is hard It's hard You know what I mean It's hard to be that Is it I don't like it I'm uncomfortable Trying to market myself Oh I guess that's interesting But I think if you just put it out there A lot of people will find it For sure Putting it out yourself I'm talking about marketing it To be like hey here's Crazy captions on the bottom of my You got to do thumbnails And you got to have titles That are like white guy slams Indian Right You know what I mean Yeah some of that And that stuff sucks I don't like doing that I don't like I hate doing it Don't need like a big But sometimes you do Have to get some of it You have to get the wording Or something to get people To see it Yeah there's all those tricks Otherwise if you were Handled by a network They would just handle it They would just do it themselves But if you're doing it yourself Unfortunately you do have to Play that type of game Yeah that's a good point I heard that Mark Norman's Was like the 7th most watched special Yeah If you like Over HBO Showtime Those sorts of Yeah Netflix doesn't release Theirs right Their metrics Yeah but Norman put A YouTube special And it's number 7 That's pretty crazy That's really crazy So that's a lot of odds man Yeah hopefully we'll see Hopefully it does well If it doesn't You know I'll just Fucking kill myself In your bunker In your bunker That guy's For real we kind of did it Anyway And the artist This boy's like I mean I told you This was good The artist boy's like Racist pizza man Takes his own life Who would have thought That that guy's idea Adolf Hitler's We're talking 19 After World War 1 He's fucking wounded His idea Would someday reach The whole way To a Little Caesars in Ohio And just fuck someone's day up In 2021 But this is one thing I think that's good about Three butterfly flaps His wings type scenario It's just a guy in Austria Gets denied from art school Somebody's getting a Fucked up pizza in the future This is interesting You could be someone Who could have the most Negative or positive influence And a hundred years later A hundred years later The best you're going to be Is a joke on a pizza You know True It's also kind of cool To see that's where Nazis are now That's one thing I didn't like About the Charleston thing Whenever those guys Came out with those Tiki torches These guys are all Nazis It's like If we're down to 60 people With tiki torches Then that's great That's how I see it At least it wasn't like 30,000 people meet up If you look up How many dudes Are actually in the KKK Probably 60 No I think it's like 7,000 That's still pretty good That's like one High school football stadium That's a good point That's not that many guys And if we're down Sometimes you've got to look At something that's being I feel like You have to look at The actual progress If you compare to Some of the pictures Of how many Nazis They had 200,000 years ago Or 150 years ago Yeah they packed Madison Square Garden They filled Madison Square Garden In the 30s Did they really?

The Nazis were big The Nazis were doing good And then Hitler Hitler took a little far Yeah Whatever we don't need to look up How many clan members there are 3,000 That's a lot That is a lot actually I mean it is a small amount For a country But 3,000 dudes are still like Yo this is kind of rules But I wonder if they're also Just including frat fraternity kids That do that sign And they're like Oh these guys are white supremacists I wonder I think that's probably Estimated like 3,000 dudes That are like No I put on the hat I'm fucking nuts I'm in it I don't know what else to do That's crazy I wonder how many Because the crazy thing about that The crazy thing about the white power sign Is they took the okay sign Basically And made that Oh that means white power Wasn't it a joke when they did that I think the guys who said that That was how I did it To make everybody follow through with it I think I could be wrong Can you look that up I think there was like a 4chan thing Or one of those guys type things And they were like It'll just make people look silly When they're like Actually that's a secret white supremacist sign Right When it's like No it's okay Or it's this game Where you punch your friend in the arm Right But the crazy part is Or then you become a white supremacist But the crazy part is You look back through time So many pictures of people are like Okay in the past Everything's okay Like look at this white supremacist Fucking Jesus And then you have everybody doing it Black That's crazy man Would you still submit a packet press No Me? No Would I submit one? I didn't submit one ever Oh you did I was asked to by my agents And I was like I'm not going to submit a packet I'm not going to get a writing job there I'm 33 I'm not going to go be a writer Yeah So no I wouldn't have that I'm too lazy Yeah I can't sit down and be a writer And then have somebody else go tell the jokes Yeah That'd be tough to watch Yeah You ever write on anything like that Yeah If so I can't imagine writing a joke And then watching another guy get laughs Oh yeah Some people will do that And they're totally happy doing it Yeah I have some friends that are writers I mean John McKeever is one of my guys McKeever He writes almost all those Wow He has no problem being a writer I'm just Which is probably a good thing It's probably a healthy thing to be like No I don't care who gets the adoration I'm like They should laugh at me Yeah If I wrote a joke and somebody else told it I'd be like Fuck a piece of shit Stole it You know Yeah Yeah I think Well even the swastika pizza guy It's like I was trying to tell a guy You have to do something You have to put something on a pizza And it's already been done Yeah So You just got to think of something Kind of creative I think Yeah Do you think that you were part of like You know The Asian hate thing Do you feel like Yeah I was pretty bad luck Do you feel like you started that at all No But I was actually No you mentioned it Yes I was one of the first I was definitely early In the Asian hate community Because after that That's when it kind of took off I feel like That's when Yeah But it wasn't obviously That's ridiculous No that's fine It was kind of Yeah I mean it was media attention About a slur Right Directed at Asian people So yes That definitely And people are perfectly reasonable To see a headline That says This guy said this slur And they're perfectly reasonable To be like Fuck that guy You know what I mean Yeah And I do the same thing I don't read articles I'll see a fucking headline I'll be like Oh shit They're guilty Fuck them Or there's no context Or who knows How the fuck does the Washington Post report on a podcast from 2018 Right And see the accuracy they're using here Or are they just like This guy's getting fired for being racist Clicks Clicks Clicks It's crazy huh Yeah no one cares It's all done The caring is done The problem is though Is when they write those articles After what I've said That doesn't count When they write an article that says a slur Like this guy used this slur Then normal people who obviously would have never heard Matt and Shane's secret podcast Are like holy shit He said like They're just In the New York Times It's like Our listenership Probably quadruple Yeah for sure Because then people heard about it And watched it So it's helped the podcast This is actually funny It's helped the podcast Tremendously Wow Yeah But it's not like It's not like helping the podcast In that like racists are showing up And being like Hell yeah brother No it's like people that are like Oh it sounds You know I was trying to figure out Who the PC guys were Yeah Turns out they were putting out Some more funny content I'd probably check in See what they were up to Once you hear the news People are going to look at you And be like This sounds kind of funny Yeah If it's bad You just close the window Yeah And we're not condoning this guys We're not condoning it That's a scary thing now It's like The people who are judging They don't care if it's a joke or not No No They don't care at all Oh yeah you got that fucking thing Tonight Yeah I was just thinking I was like What's he got to lose Oh shit Tonight I was like Yeah I'd be a little cagey Maybe I'll put this out Until that's done But will we ever go Do you think It's not too much or not No it's not No it's not I'm certain it's not It's clearly joking Okay Very clearly joking Yeah I just want to make it clear We are joking If you were putting up like Pictures of like I don't know Horrible things And being like Look at those losers I'm glad that happened That'd be bad Yeah Yeah I wouldn't do anything like that You don't seem like you would do that You don't seem like a very mean guy Do you ever freak out And get mean to people Sometimes I get angry My anger is always just inside myself It doesn't have anything to do With the people outside of me Yeah So sometimes I react I interact with the world angrily But it's just the way I interact with everything Do you get mean to people You don't seem like You seem like a very nice guy I think I'm a pretty nice guy I just I think with work and stuff Sometimes I get kind of demanding I think Yeah Someone's like around You're like You can fuck off dude Get the fuck out of here No Spit on anyone No I never spit on anyone One girl was asking about it Was she Yeah she was Pretty tall girl Not that tall but Kind of normal height I guess Regular Yeah cool girl Pretty cool She's pretty cool I don't know I don't know her that good I've been getting angry lately Have you Yeah I keep waking up Because the girl I've been seeing She screams in the middle of the night sometimes Oh wow All the time actually Like every other night She's like Three in the morning And every time I'm like I'm waking up If you're waking up scared You're going to be mad You know what I mean Like every time I'm like What the fuck She's like Shut the fuck up Shut the fuck up Shut up And then she wakes up To me just every night Screaming at her Because she's asleep When she's screaming So she's coming out of this Sleepwalking to me like Go to sleep Shut the fuck up So every night She wakes up in four in the morning To me like Sitting up in the bed Like would you shut the fuck up It's a real terrifying Terrifying relationship She sleepwalks sometimes So the other night I woke up She was standing in my room Naked In the room in the dark It was Dude it was scary I left the room I slept on the couch I was very scared I was afraid of my girlfriend I was on the couch She walks through that fucking door This is terrifying Dude Oh my god You ever have sleep paralysis Oh sleep paralysis is insane I fucking love it dude I've only had it once And it was the worst possible one It's crazy It's a demon That's what she reminds me of She's just standing there Wow Nothing scarier than like A naked person in the dark Yeah But yeah I had sleep paralysis Sleep paralysis is good man I like it I feel like it's a sign of things to come It's excitement Mine was a demon Oh really? I saw that guy That's the scariest part No Let me tell you this These images I didn't know what sleep paralysis was One night I was going through a breakup So I was very stressed out And I went to sleep In my parents basement And I woke up And there was a That exact figure Standing at the foot of my bed Standing And then it walked around The side of my bed Like reaching towards me And it's so real Like it was so real That I thought it was an intruder I couldn't be like This is a demon I was like oh shit Someone's in here Even though they looked ridiculous They looked like a slender man And they were like walking around The side of my bed Reaching towards my face And then I woke up Right when they got there But it was so real I tried to fight them Like I thought it was real Even when I woke up I was still I got out of my bed And was hiding on the side of my bed And then tried to fight this fucking thing And obviously it was gone But then several months later See that makes me It's the one with like the red eyes Leaning Keep going down You'll find this fucking thing You'll never find it That's the one that makes me Seeing This is But it's just great Yeah everybody sees the same thing That's what's fucking Very spooky Yeah dude Somebody drew what I saw in my dreams Oh that's insane I feel like I always feel like Oh something's Go to images on Google You'll find it Something's coming to get me I feel like something's coming to get me You know It's right here But I never see the thing I gotta look around next time You don't want to see the thing You'll find him That guy with bottom right Or now he's bottom left He's standing at the foot of my bed Wrong one But that's alright Swinging a mess Right there that guy Nope Are you fucking with me No he's not This is how it is This is what I saw dude This guy right here Yes At the foot of my bed Because my guy had like a more white face Okay So almost like a black guy With a white face kind of Wow Even that's scariest That's scariest Oh that's great In the world are we in Where black guys with a white face Lester Holt really But Lester Holt is I feel like Lester Holt secretly a white guy You think Oh I don't know much about Lester Holt Pull up a picture of Lester Holt This will be 12 minutes Lou Holtz Oh yeah yeah Oh yeah You tell me that's not a white guy In black face or in Tanner I think Yeah This is a tough one I Lester Holt I mean See how he looked when he was younger Oh there he is If that's him in the black and white Yeah Really that's him Wow Oh shit dude Even that He transitioned Even that seems Like a white guy in like a wig kind of Yeah To be honest You are getting borderline This type of thing is a little dangerous It is Speculating on black guys race I'll tell you Where the line is We're getting close Okay sorry Then back me out I've just been There's been a lot of discussion Seriously Sean King Sean King I've heard of him He was like an activist Oh he was white actually He's like pretty white Oh that's crazy I think you can take that shot publicly Oh here you go But it's going to be In the future everybody's going to be beige And it's going to be ridiculous We're all even arguing about race stuff Yeah for sure It's beige It's way for white people to say that though To like be the purveyors of racism For the longest time And then towards the end be like What are we even fighting about It's like you don't get to decide that It's very funny It's like when a girl fights you And then she's just like She starts crying What are you crying about You fucked with me It's an easy out It's good for the honkies Trying to hit the eject button Like what are we even talking about Maybe I have such a white perspective sometimes No I don't think that's what you're doing I think it's a reasonable thing It's not like That's the thing It's easy to compare like racism All that stuff to like Well if you punched me I'd be mad about it But it's like Are we talking about our grandparents Our ancestors Right That's where it gets murky Because it's like Well I didn't do that Eric Griffin has a great joke Eric Griffin has a great joke He's like It's like when you walk in an elevator And somebody farted in there But you didn't do it And somebody looks at you like you did You're like I didn't fart in there But I didn't But the smell is still there But the effects of it Certainly And Eric's Is he fat?

Was he fat? He looks like he's skinny now He used to be thicker than He used to definitely He would have been a hottie at spring break Trust me As a big guy myself I know it's like The fart blaming It's in there If you're a big guy If somebody farted in this room You guys would be like Really? You're a fat guy on a plane You're getting hit with the looks Oh yeah There's somebody shit their pants Everyone's looking at you Yeah Yeah that could be true Yeah Yeah that could be true man I think It's also his grandparents a lot too One more question here we got Yo Theo Yo Shane Got my other drip What's going on? Gang gang Salt life the whole nine Shane my question is Tell the story about how you made Dave Chappelle run I think you've only told it on like dad me And only took like two minutes Can I get a full in-depth story About how you And I think it was O'Connie's Made Chappelle run That'd be great It's kind of a brag Is it?

Yeah And then Chappelle laughed And he like jogged around a little Oh really? Oh yeah I don't want to brag about it But yeah so it was after we got fired I got fired Okay It was like a couple months later I went to London Me and my friend went to London Just to have a week off Like chillin' Okay And Chappelle was in town Someone from the cellar hooked it up For me to Oh Psycho Sounds Oh yeah For me to Go see the show And then Chappelle knew that i was there so he's like i want to meet him he wanted to meet me because he's interested in like the cancel culture stuff and we got to hang out and it was just he like cleared everybody out it was just me and my friend and dave me and o'connor and dave chapelle just drinking in london and he was there no again it was all so surreal like it was still so fucking every single thing that happened in like a four month span you know and uh i just told him a story about louis ck because that was another guy i was became friends with kind of friends but like you know yeah you just you're in people's circles now so you meet these people but i was just telling chapelle a story about because somebody was taking pictures of me talking to chapelle and he was kind of like let's not get some pictures with this guy right now you know this isn't the best like uncle we don't need this i'm gonna get canceled but i'm not i don't want to be in a picture like a picture like mom's felled with saddam Hussein we don't need this picture and then uh i told a story about louis coming to a patrice o'neil benefit louis walked in i was sitting with him and like a photographer came over and i like leans to louis i was like you want to get a picture with me just like fuck with him i knew that's obviously a terrible photo for both of us like me and louis together so you want to get a picture together he was like no i just remember him and as soon as i told chapelle that he was like no he started running around it was great it was a cool moment was there ever a comedian you heard laugh at your show that you were like oh that's awesome louis really louis saw i was at the cellar i saw him laughing and i was just like dude this is that's my guy that's that's my favorite yeah man his personal line is so good he's so good it's so good yeah i got from here just on the road and opened up with him for a while i was talking last night yeah yeah that's awesome chance william he's talented young chappelle chappelle was no one that's like that picture that we showed earlier that was chappelle followed he went after me oh cool and he got on was like that was funny and brought me back up like that was really cool that's cool that was me doing the louis story at the top that's why i'm making the louis oh that's awesome oh yeah you see no one laughed at that either yeah you got to fight for comedy man we have to fight to be able to joke around isn't that crazy yeah yeah that's when most people know you're joking that there's this everyone knows you're joking yeah for sure everyone knows you're joking even the people writing the articles they know it's a fucking joke they have a bigger agenda they're trying to push yeah and they're pretending what you're saying is serious yeah and that's just what it is and that's fine right in fact it kind of wouldn't be as funny if people weren't getting upset right it's kind of you know if we were all like nice pizza on that pizza dude right it'd be like like if people thought that you and i actually hated jewish people were fans of nazism because we yes joked about or if literally there would be zero blowback for going on a podcast and being like here's some funny things about hitler yeah it's not as dangerous it's not as funny you know what i mean right that's the point i'm trying to make right it's pizza swastika if those guys made that and sent that and everybody at little caesars and people who received it were like that was funny nice right it wouldn't be as right right the backlash on that one is that makes it funny that's true what i can't believe this i didn't know there were nazis at little caesars yeah that's right it's making it funnier you know that's interesting i can't believe there's so many undercover nazis at the comedy cellar it's like what you think there's nazis at the comedy cellar that's the crazy thing is that some people think there really are i don't think there's one person that voted for a republican yeah that's how far away from fascism that is yeah yeah yeah it's wild man it's a different time dude yeah i don't i don't love talking about cancel culture yeah i'm sorry man no no don't be sorry i'm kind of i mean i did it i did it to myself i'm sorry i don't know it's also just a fascinating topic right now i know it's just it gets like i don't think so i don't think so i'm confident i'm not i'm confident i'm good enough to stand up that i'm not gonna be yeah i'm i am fine i'm not i'm not worried about that uh i never really was i never was like this is gonna it'll always be part of my story that's how i was introduced into the comedy world yeah but was there any asian comedians that were supportive yeah for sure that's cool for sure definitely behind closed doors in fact everybody was supportive behind the scenes right and that's to my face too so i'm sure there was a lot of them that weren't very supportive that weren't just gonna walk up to me like i've had problems with people i'm not gonna walk up to them be like you know you're a piece of shit right so of course nobody's saying it everything's kind of yeah uh but yeah a lot of people for sure that's cool man yeah i mean they i think there were a lot of people that had conversations with people that knew me that actually knew me they were like oh okay you know like if you see a headline you're like oh shit this guy said what and then you look at or you call his friend and you're like is he like a racist dude like no not at all he was talking around yeah it changes things you're just like all right yeah i read an article that said he was racist well it's weird because it makes it scary to talk about anything sometimes because you're like and it's also as podcasters it's like they could go back through anything and take out three or four words from so many things for sure absolutely but not many dudes are getting snl seems like one of the few jobs yeah they would do that for like they're not gonna go back and cancel guys just willy-nilly they're not just gonna like it's gotta be a big you know if you're starring in a movie then people might be like all right let's take a look at them let's go listen to a couple laughs yeah see the episodes yeah well same man uh thanks for having me on the show last night and yeah i'm fine i feel like yeah same man it's great to meet you bro and uh yeah wish you the best of luck and all that kind of jazz hopefully you don't get in trouble from this episode i'm probably probably do you think we will or no no really see that's what's interesting i'm so excited when i got in trouble when we would get done with the episode i'd be like we're gonna get in trouble like i know when i hear then that i feel that way it's never it's never like i've never gotten done like an episode where we said edgy things i've been like we're fine every time if i think it's close i'm like oh really eat that huh that was bad we never delete it but it's always like this one no chance you're totally fine we are you're fine i'm i don't think i said anything that bad so what do you think we're good riley mal you're an asian guy this is the guy that did it to you how do you feel i feel great do you remember what happened i do you do i do oh nice well not nice but i'm saying i'm surprised you know about it because sometimes when people don't know about it particularly when they're asian yeah i gotta be like well here's what i said like i'll get done with a show and they'll be asian there's obviously there's asian people that like comedy right they come to shows and they're like you were our favorite tonight what's your name you know what i mean you don't get hit with the fucking google in front of you like they're like what's your instagram i'll look it up it's like she goes like that was that was the wildest part was taking the train because i was poor when i got canceled yeah so like that's the only way i travel and like people would be on the train like reading the news and for three days i was the news i was the news so people would literally be like like on the subway like look at me they're like did you try to look nicer when you were the news did you notice at all definitely you definitely act nicer to everyone around you when you're in trouble like that oh for sure you want everyone to think like he's a nice guy yeah it's fucked up but you definitely become a lot now maybe it's because you're not as stressed about minor things where you would have an ego with somebody about like did you just bump me or some bullshit like that right when you're getting canceled you're like i love you we love each other right like it's like you want everyone to like you because you're getting destroyed publicly maybe i wonder if that's why some comedians always want everybody they always i wonder if there's some correlation in there why a lot of comedians that's why you want everybody to like you because you feel like from the jump or something you feel like a bad guy you feel bad yes maybe i don't know i mean you feel bad i feel bad yeah i feel bad most of the time yeah uh but yeah when you when you get in trouble you're nice to everybody it's very fun yeah that's cool yeah it's funny knowing that like harvey wine scene was probably nice as hell towards the end it's probably the shit hit the fan he's probably buying everybody like harry and date yeah yeah the whole having to explain people what happened is a tough one yeah yeah do you feel some type of way over there right now oh sometimes no do you feel anything about what shane did oh um no not really okay yeah i you guys are good i appreciate that i appreciate that of course i didn't mean anything i apologize actually that was good oh how do you think that was gonna go here's a guy who did it here's that son of a bitch who did it how do you feel about it here's this opportunity i can't even see him yeah well i can and it's not comfortable my bad man that was funny oh jesus christ dude yeah bring me on be like we've actually brought in one of your victims it's like that's where you go sit with the murderers family or whatever oh fuck um thanks so much for coming in bro thanks for your time dude yeah this was great this was great thank you yeah you bet now i'm just floating on the breeze and i feel i'm falling like these leaves i must be cornerstone oh but when i reach that path i'll share this piece of mind i found i can see it in my bones but it's gonna take a little time for me to set that parking brake and let myself on my shine that light on me i'll send and tell you my story shine on me and i will find a song ladies and gentlemen i'm jonathan kite and welcome to kite club a podcast where i'll be sharing thoughts on things like current events stand-up stories and seven ways to pleasure your partner the answer may shock you sometimes i'll interview my friends sometimes i won't and as always i'll be joined by the voices in my head you have three new voice messages a lot of people are talking about kite club i've been talking about kite club for so long longer than anybody else so great hi sweetheart he's a deal anyone who doesn't listen to kite club is a dodgy bloody wanker i think tom hanks just butt dialed me anyway first rule the kite club is tell everyone about kite club second rule the kite club is tell everyone about kite club third rule like and subscribe wherever you listen to podcasts or watch us on youtube yeah and yes don't worry my right-hand impression will get better