E378 Chris Distefano episode artwork

EPISODE · Feb 1, 2022 · 1H 45M

E378 Chris Distefano

from This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von · host Theo Von

Chris Distefano is a comedian and podcaster from New York who is co-host of Hey Babe with Sal Vulcano, and the host of Chrissy Chaos. Chris is currently touring the US with his "Chrissy Theaters Everyone Tour".  Chris Distefano returns to the podcast to discuss love, meeting the mother of his children, his Amazon jewelry game, and pizza punishments. Find Chris Distefano: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: HOP WTR: Go to https://hopwtr.com/ to get 20% off your first purchase with promo code THEO. Ship Station: Go to https://www.shipstation.com/ to get a 60 day free trial with offer code THEO. Peloton: Visit https://www.onepeloton.com/ to learn more. Modiphy: Go to https://www.modiphy.com/theo to get 50% off your starting cost. Bridge Credit Solutions: Schedule your free credit audit today at https://www.bridgecreditsolutions.com/THEO. ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" - Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------- Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 525 Royal Pkwy PO Box 292634 Nashville, TN 37229 ------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner ------------------------------------------------- See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Chris Distefano is a comedian and podcaster from New York who is co-host of Hey Babe with Sal Vulcano, and the host of Chrissy Chaos. Chris is currently touring the US with his "Chrissy Theaters Everyone Tour".  Chris Distefano returns to the podcast to discuss love, meeting the mother of his children, his Amazon jewelry game, and pizza punishments. Find Chris Distefano: https://www.instagram.com/chrisdcomedy/ ------------------------------------------------- Tour Dates! https://theovon.com/tour New Merch: https://theovonstore.com Podcastville mugs and prints available now at https://theovon.pixels.com ------------------------------------------------- Support our Sponsors: HOP WTR: Go to https://hopwtr.com/ to get 20% off your first purchase with promo code THEO. Ship Station: Go to https://www.shipstation.com/ to get a 60 day free trial with offer code THEO. Peloton: Visit https://www.onepeloton.com/ to learn more. Modiphy: Go to https://www.modiphy.com/theo to get 50% off your starting cost. Bridge Credit Solutions: Schedule your free credit audit today at https://www.bridgecreditsolutions.com/THEO. ------------------------------------------------- Music: "Shine" - Bishop Gunn https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=F3A_coTcUek ------------------------------------------------- Submit your funny videos, TikToks, questions and topics you'd like to hear on the podcast to: [email protected] Hit the Hotline: 985-664-9503 Video Hotline for Theo Upload here: http://www.theovon.com/fan-upload Send mail to: This Past Weekend 525 Royal Pkwy PO Box 292634 Nashville, TN 37229 ------------------------------------------------- Find Theo: Website: https://theovon.com Instagram: https://instagram.com/theovon Facebook: https://facebook.com/theovon Facebook Group: https://www.facebook.com/groups/thispastweekend Twitter: https://twitter.com/theovon YouTube: https://youtube.com/theovon Clips Channel: https://www.youtube.com/c/TheoVonClips ------------------------------------------------- Producer: Colin https://instagram.com/colin_reiner ------------------------------------------------- See omnystudio.com/listener for privacy information. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

NOW PLAYING

E378 Chris Distefano

0:00 1:45:34
of MATCHES

TRANSCRIPT · AUTO-GENERATED

If you're trying to cut back on alcohol and getting doused out with liquor, but still want something refreshing to sip on after a long day, hop water is the brew for you. I love it. I really do. I've been enjoying my hop water.

That's H-O-P-W-T-R. It's a non-alcoholic sparkling hop water crafted with functional ingredients for added mood-boosting benefits. It is a nice trade-off from doing alcohol. It really is.

It's healthy. It's comfortable. And it almost tastes like you're having an afternoon or evening drink. That's right.

Get 20% off your first purchase, plus get free shipping when you order 24 cans or more. Go to H-O-P-W-T-R.com. That's hopwater.com. H-O-P-W-T-R.com.

Use my promo code Theo to get 20% off. I want to let you know next week I'll be back on a regular solo episode, and I'm looking forward to that. So I will see you then. We can just do a little bit of mano y mano or mano y womano as well.

We'll include everybody. This week, February 2nd, I'm in Jacksonville, Florida. And February 3rd, I'm in St. Petersburg, Florida, America.

February 5th, I'll be in Orlando. That's this week. So you can grab those tickets, theofon.com slash tour. I'm also in Tampa, and then I'll be in Lafayette, Indiana.

That's sold out. 225, I'll be in Rockford, Illinois. That's February 25th, February 26th, and Chicago at the Chicago Theater. Very excited.

And you're at Rockford, Illinois, home of the Rockford Peaches, a feminine baseball group that did it all, almost won it all. I think they won it. Theovon.com slash tour, T-O-U-R for tickets. Don't get tickets from any third-party sites.

Only go through Theovon.com slash tour. If you're paying a ridiculous amount of money for a ticket, it's probably because it's some aftermarket site, some peddler, grifter. We also have the new I'm Upstairs collection available in hoodies, long sleeves, and tees. I wore my black hoodie yesterday that says it.

I'm Upstairs. And the Be Good to Yourself collection as well, always available. Go to TheovonStore.com. Thank you guys so much for your support.

Coming to see the shows and any merchandise or anything. I love you. California. So we're taking it here, and we're grateful to Howie Mandel for that.

Thank you. Today's guest is a friend of mine. He's a deer man. And I don't mean he's a hunter or anything.

I mean he's just a deer man. And he's one half of the podcasting duo Hey Babe that he hosts with Sal Vulcano. And he is a full, both halves, of his solo podcast, Chrissy Chaos, that you can check out. He is currently touring in cities on his Chrissy Theaters Everywhere tour, the CTE tour.

Tickets are available at Chris D Comedy. He and I have a long history of podcasting together. This one's right in time for Valentine's Day, man. We're going to talk about love.

And I'm grateful that he's here. My friend, Mr. Chris DeStefano. For me to sell that parking brake and let myself on my shine and light on me.

I'll send and tell you my story. Shine on me. And now we will find a song. I will sing it and just go.

So, you know, but Chrissy D, you know what I mean? Motherfucking Chrissy D, you know what I mean? Like, look at that. You're not wearing bracelets like that unless you're doing something.

You know what I mean? What is that? Is that on Bloomingdale's? Where did you get it?

Got that at Amazon. You know what I mean? Oh, wow. And what character is that?

Is that 30? Might be 30. That's a good amount. Yes, sir.

And I got a chain. Oh, wow. You got a chain, too. Cuban link.

You know what I mean? I'm just saying, like, that's... You know, you're married still to your wife, right? Yes, well, we're not married, but we have children.

So we're married in the eyes of God. And did you know when you were going to be in love? Like, did you know... Like, when you...

Take me to it for real and be honest with you. Because I've been thinking a lot about love and, like, how do I get, you know, being just jumping in and be like, I'm in love, you know? And, like, I don't have a girlfriend right now, but it's like... Really?

Yeah, but I've been thinking about... It's tough to be single with a jacket like that, because you're... I'm so... Thanks, man.

You're good in it, man. I think it's one of those, like, Andre Agassi collection things. No, it's fucking... It's Money in the Bank jacket.

I just really like the jacket. Thanks. I actually saw a man with it who did skydiving. It's the first time I ever saw it.

Yeah, it looks like something like Whitney Houston would wear, but I love Whitney Houston. Really? Yes. Whitney Houston is my number one...

I was watching the Whitney Houston documentary on the plane coming out here. It was fully crying in Delta economy. Ooh. Ooh.

I've told you, but I'm having shows a funny bone. Yeah. Oh, that's good, dude. If you...

What are we talking about? You were asking about love and you want to find... Did you know? Did you know?

Okay. I'm going to be 100% honest with you, all right? This is for real. In 2014, when I met...

Okay, well, what was the climate of the world in 2014? 2014... People were kind of getting along pretty well. We were getting along.

We had Obama as president. You know, there were real no problems on the horizon. China was starting to act up a little bit. You started here.

China was always like, watch them a little bit. But we really didn't have the problems we have right now. We were two years away from being saved by Trump, and now we're back in the bullshit. So it was kind of like a little bit of a glory day, but I was single.

I had been single for six months. Had you been dating kind of vigorously? Had you been doing sex a lot? Had you been...

Again, just being completely 100% vulnerable and honest. From the time... From January of 2014 until August of 2014, yes, I contracted chlamydia so many times that my primary care doctor gave me my own prescription of azithromycin, which is what cures chlamydia, almost like a male birth. He's like, anytime it just hurts a little bit to pee, just take this.

He's like, I can't stop you. He's like, it's amazing you don't have herpes, AIDS, or syphilis, but you've got chlamydia. Like, I've never gotten COVID once, but I get chlamydia. Yeah, like chlamydia is like, you know what I mean?

Yeah, you were scoring chlamydia. He was a John Moran. Yeah, I would pee in a cup and go like that. It was a hot potato because my urine was 100 degrees.

This thing looks a little booyah, basically. That's when it's bad, boy. I remember one time... When you got that chicken noodle piss?

Yeah, chicken noodle piss with chlamydia on the side. So I remember one time I gave him a cup of my urine and I said, is it bad? And he goes, feel it. He goes, feel it.

What do you think? And I was like, it's a little warm. He goes, yeah, it's not supposed to be like that. I was like, yeah, he went.

So, okay, so get to August 20. You were serving hot. So let me tell you something. And listen, at that time, you know, there was a lot of beautiful women.

I was recently single. I was out here in the world with comedy. I was looking up with beautiful women and having a good time. I had a beautiful apartment in Long Island City, New York.

I had a view of the city. I was really, really like being free and single for the first time in my life. You were on the apps where you were just meeting women at shows? Just meeting women at shows on Instagram.

I never did any of those apps. Never once. I was Native American, basically. I was Native American.

I was hunting buffalo. And some of them were buffalo. I don't discriminate. You know what I mean?

She got some gazelles and buffaloes. It depends. Oh, yeah. I've been with some wounded antelope.

You know what I'm saying? 100%. I had sex with a woman who was on dialysis. Oh, wow.

Is that good for them? Well, she'd be dead without her. She was in her mid-40s on dialysis. She was actually a friend of my father's.

And they met her dialysis. And I wound up having sex with her. It wasn't a proud moment, but I did. And because I was just in that time in 2014.

I was just there. I was finding women that felt empty like me. You know, having sex. I don't fuck anybody out of like an urgent care or nothing.

You won't do it? No. Yeah. I don't do it, man.

My sister works at him. I've seen some behind the scenes. I'm not doing that shit. If somebody's rolling out of urgent care, I'm not fucking.

I know. Having sex with a woman on dialysis was, I don't want to say it was a low point, but, you know, I mean, it was dangerous because, you know, she had blurred vision and shit. And I was like, you know, I don't even know. You know your audit?

Yeah. Yeah. I'm about a factor. Yeah.

So, so, so, so. August of 2004. Okay. Take me there.

August of 2004. I'm sorry. July 2014. It was July 6th.

Okay. My boy, Pat Finnegan, Paddy Flyball, shout out. He just fell down the stairs yesterday and had a laceration on his chin. He tripped over his dog leash.

So, shout out him. He's a lost consciousness. So, he, we went to a place in Brooklyn. It's called Place to Beach in Coney Island, Brooklyn.

Okay. And did you say volleyball? They haven't said volleyball. And this is a place in Brooklyn where, this isn't like gentrified, oh, Brooklyn.

This was like where native New Yorkers are going. Okay. You know, you have the Puerto Ricans and the Italians going out there. It's Coney Island.

Coney Island is like, it's not gentrified, man. That's real New York City. You've got to be from New York to even know where these spots are at. That was one of those spots.

I wasn't looking for anything. I wasn't looking for, I was just, I was out there. Why'd you go that day? Because Pat Finnegan had told me, my sister's there with her friends.

Oh, yeah. So, let's go meet my sister's friends. Because she's just a beautiful girl. And we're like, okay, we'll go have fun.

Drink. I had a show at the Creek in the Cave. R.I.P. the Creek in the Cave.

It was in Queens, New York at the time. I was supposed to have a show at the Creek in the Cave at 8 o'clock. I said, let's go to that place at 5. We'll do it.

We'll have a couple of drinks. I remember I was feeling good. I was wearing the right shorts and the right shirt that I felt like I was in better shape than I actually was. I felt tight, even though I probably had eaten pizza and carbs, but I felt tight and good.

Yeah, I love that when your shirt does that for you. Because, you know, like, right now I don't feel good. I feel fat. I feel bloated.

I'm just trying to cover it up. Because I don't feel good, man, because I had a muffin this morning. So, I had two muffins this morning, actually. And a jalapeno cheese bagel.

And I had cold oatmeal on the plane. What can you do on Chrissy Cars? Wow, yeah. Yeah, I probably have 4,000 calories.

It's barely 3 o'clock. Damn, dude. It's barely, it's not even February yet. I know, dude.

So, I eat. Like, my drug is, I eat too much. And, you know, what can I do? So, you're on strawberry vodka.

You have a nice fit on. You're there. And are you all doing activities? What are you doing?

No, so we're in the bar, literally just listening to, you know, house music. You know, trying to talk to girls, dancing. Just being stupid. And I go to take a piss.

They had a port-a-potty there. Oh, okay. Yeah, so I go to take a piss. I like a port-a-potty, dude, because it's almost like you feel brave when you even go piss.

Yes. You're not like Magellan, but you're like, I'm going to try it. You know what I'm saying? I'm doing something different.

And the port-a-potty is the only time in my life before COVID that any time I use a port-a-potty, I would look to wash my hands up here. Because 100% of the time, even if I do need, I would never wash my hands before COVID. I was like, I don't need to wash my hands unless I was in a port-a-potty. So, with the port-a-potty.

The heartburn is getting the door open. You almost got to kick it with your foot, let it bounce a little, and then catch it with your foot. Yeah, you got to act like you don't even have hands. Like, you just got nubs.

Yeah. So, I'm there. I come out. I come out.

You know, I met a guy. I used to be physical therapist. I had a patient, I should say, that was just a torso. Let's just say, is it called a patient with your physical therapist?

Yes, no, they were called patients. And we technically have doctorate degrees. I'm going to have a doctorate degree. I would never call myself doctor.

Some of my, you know, classmates did, and that's bullshit. But they were called patients. And I met him, he was a torso. Just a toy.

He had no arms, no legs. Did he speak at churches? No, no, no. I think he's no longer with us.

But he was just a full torso. Oh, wow. And it was crazy to see. But he would maneuver it.

Like, he would get shit done, just rolling around. He was throwing a money out there. Yeah, he was just, it was wild. That's crazy.

And does he have a spine or not, or just like a rib cage? No, he had a full head, spine, everything. But he was just, think about like a mannequin. No arms, no legs.

Hold on, hold on. You're talking the best. It's hard for me to know. Sorry.

I'm sorry. So, think about a mannequin. All right. And what else?

No arms, no legs. All right. Head, brain, spine. Okay.

Tattoo on his rib cage. Ooh, wow. Yeah. Didn't see that coming.

Yep. And he was having, he was having, I think it was shoulder issues. Easily. Neck, neck, shoulder.

Oh, you got left. It's just his neck. Yeah. And he was born that way, by the way.

He wasn't in an accident. And this is true. I'm, you know, I could probably prove it to you. He was also a hermaphrodite.

Oh, wow. So, he was blind in one eye. It's just, I'm not making any of this up. I can't say his name because that's against HIPAA.

Yeah. You know, but he's a patient. If anyone who worked with me at NYU in, you know, summer, spring or whatever it was of 2010, you know exactly what I'm talking about. Damn.

Yeah. Well, that's probably not a lot of it. And it doesn't, you know. No, you're not a big fan.

I mean, my people are a big fan of yours. Absolutely. So, so, so with that being said, I, I. So, you're there?

I'm there. It's July 6th of 2014. Okay. I see who's going to eventually become the mother of my two beautiful children.

Wow. And so when I saw her, dude, I'll never forget. I was drinking strawberry vodka. I was probably, you know, on an app looking for Domino's pizza.

I was, every time I drank, even though New York City has the best Italian food, every time I drank, I was on pizza hunting Domino's. I think it's just pain. It's just a cycle of pain. It's like, I want to look in the mirror and be like, you fucking suck.

You eat that Domino's, bitch. Oh, yeah. Like BDSM? Yeah.

It's like a suicidal thing, you know? Yeah, like Italian BDSM? Yes, yes. So, I see her.

I see her. And she's like dancing. It was one of those things where it was almost like in a movie where I was like, truthfully, I was like, my heart, like, stopped. I was like, it's the only time I ever felt that in my life.

Wow. I looked at her and I was like, oh, my God. Like, the beauty was like, like, floored. And again, like I said, I said everything before.

I had, you know, we're talking to beautiful women. So, she was beautiful. Like, you know, there was something different about her. And I said to my boy, Patty, Patty Flyballs, who I never, he was shooting on a straw.

And I said to him. I knew that. Yeah. I said to him, I said, I said, dude, look at how beautiful that woman is.

And he was like, I know, she's amazing. And I was like. He agreed. He agreed.

And I was like, I said, I said, that literally is the hottest part I've ever seen in my life. I can't even think right now. He was like, bro, relax. What'd you do then?

You left? No. So, he goes, dude, yeah, she's a smoking hot Puerto Rican chick. I get it.

Like, and I said, I got to go up and talk to her. I said, I literally was like inside of me. I was like, if I do not talk to her, like, she's going to bother me for the rest of my fucking life. Like, I'm never going to forget this one.

So, I go up to her and I say, listen. I said, I saw you from across. Was the musical out of your heart? Was it hard to get her attention?

That part, I don't remember. Because I was enamored. Because you know what's amazing about her? She was so beautiful.

And obviously, it's so beautiful. But the thing is, when I focus on her, she has a chipped tooth. So, I was looking at her chipped tooth. And I was like, wow.

You know, you're like from afar. Like, you don't notice you have a chipped tooth. But when I get closer, it's almost like a chipped tooth. It even made it more beautiful.

Because it's like, it's unique. It's almost like a hot chick with a scar. You know what I mean? Like, I was like, I like this.

This is unique. It's almost like you got to buy a vowel or something. Yeah. Like, one of the most beautiful women I've ever met besides her has no pinkies.

And I was like, and she's a smoke show. But she's got no pinkies. And she hides them. But you don't meet people that don't have pinkies.

And she doesn't have them. But she's gorgeous. Wow. She's almost like a sloth almost.

Yeah. Dude, I'll tell you this. Because we're all connected, man. You knew about 15 people back in the day.

So, you know what I mean? So, with her, with Jasmine, I walked up to her. And I said, I can't stop, like, looking at you. Wow.

I said, do you have a boyfriend? You're a full psychopath for the first time I can stop looking at you. Yeah. I might have even whispered it.

You should have had somebody right on your back on the marker and just pull your shirt up. Yeah, I'm a full psycho. Because I was just so. And I said, love, brother.

That's what I'm telling you. That's love. Yeah. And I said to her, I said, is there any way I could just buy you a drink?

And she said, you could, but my boyfriend is here. So, then I was like, whoa. Because I got a rule, man. If you got a boyfriend, I don't mess with that.

Or a husband, like, I don't think that's bad karma. I would never want that. I don't mess with that. Like, there's plenty of fish in the sea.

But something about her, I was like, I almost feel like it doesn't matter. Like, I don't care that, you know, like, I almost have to be like, I don't care at all that you have a boyfriend. Yeah. I have to take a chance.

Even if this guy kills me. Because I'm sure, based off what you look like, you probably have, like, some guido, like, convict, murderer, Brooklyn, Italian boyfriend. Which I was right. Volleyball playing, too.

Yep. My stepdad found out that somebody was getting married that he used to have a huge crush on. And he went over. He was at a bar or something that night.

He found out. She's got engaged. And he drove over to the house and went up on a porch in the middle of the night and said, look, I got all these feelings for you, blah, blah, blah. And she didn't care.

Right. And while he was up there, somebody burned his car. So he was there. Literally, his car is burning, which is a horrible look.

And you're trying to tell somebody that you're the guy for them. Right. And then you come back with a bicycle. You're not the guy.

No way. You're not the guy. How did your car set on fire? Yeah.

I don't know what happened. He's left a cigarette in the dash or something happened. Yeah. Online shopping isn't slowing down anytime soon.

That's right. It's here to stay. Fortunately or unfortunately, I kind of miss the old days, but the old days are just that. Is your business ready to keep up the pace with new, you know, with the updated online shopping?

Well, ShipStation can help. You'll never worry about shipping again. That's you don't want to be worrying about shipping. You're already worrying about making a good product.

Make the switch to a solution that handles all your shipping needs. ShipStation. Keep track of orders on your phone from any sales channel. Manage every order.

Amazon, eBay, Etsy, or your own website. If you sell in knuckle covers, Lonnie'sknucklecovers.com or something. And you got to get a batch of K covers out to somebody. They'll help.

ShipStation makes shipping easy. 98% of companies that use ShipStation for a year keep using it for as long as they're in business. Use my offer code Theo to get a 60-day free trial. That's two months free of no hassle, stress-free shipping.

Just go to ShipStation.com, click on the microphone at the top of the page, and type in T-H-E-O. ShipStation, make ship happen. You know, it's tough to keep things fresh. You know, especially to keep your body fresh.

Dang, that's hard. Get that fresh body. You show up, you look like you've been in a crisper drawer in your refrigerator. People say, damn, boy, you're looking real lettuce-y.

You're looking real perfectly kemped. Fitness will keep you fresh. And who can do it? I'll tell you who can do it.

It's Peloton. They're helping out. They've got a lot of fresh ideas over there. They've got boxing now.

They've got new music selections. They've got more daily workout variety. That's right. Peloton is not just the Peloton bike and Peloton bike plus.

Though those are great. They've got new classes now, new music, new ways to keep your workouts, fun and motivating. They have boxing. Even if you've never boxed, you don't fight.

If you've never fought anybody after school, if you've never fought your wife or stepmother or husband. These classes will have you working up a sweat, working on the fundamentals of the form and the footwork. New artist music selection collabs. They've got it from hip-hop to rock and roll to EDM.

That's right. Peloton is a workout for every day and every schedule. All types. Check them out.

Bike workouts, yoga, meditation, dance, cardio and more. Go to OnePeloton.com. That's O-N-E-P-E-L-O-T-O-N.com. So, you know, she says I got a boyfriend.

And I said, I won't be deterred. Not on this one. So I said, you know what? I'm just going to have to stick around and fight this out.

And for like an hour, I kept drinking. And I was just like, you know what, man? And I know she was talking to the bartender. And so the bartender turned out to be one of her close friends.

And so I said to the bartender, I said, what is it going to take for me? What is it going to take for me to get your friend to look at me and notice me? I was like, does she really have a boyfriend? And she was like, I can't answer that.

And I was like, oh, so they're playing games. She did not have a boyfriend. What's it called? Misdirect?

No, I think it's called like a turn of events. A turn of events. So she said, I can't. I can't answer that.

I said, well, what's it going to take? And she was like, she loves dancing. She's Puerto Rican. Like, you got to come up with some type of.

Yeah, they love dancing. Like, you got to dance. It's like, do you know how to do bachata? And I said, I'm going to try.

So I Googled bachata and I told them. I told them she kept the music. She's a bartender. I said, let me look at some shit.

Let me YouTube a couple steps. Let me YouTube some stuff. And so I said, and my boy was like, yo, dude, remember that scene in Along Came Polly when Ben Stiller started dancing Spanish? Yeah.

And that's how he got his woman. So we watched that scene. And I played that song from that movie. No.

Yes. So I played that song. And I'm like, I'm just going to come up to her and dance with her. Oh, my God, bro.

That's freaking getting good. Yeah, dude. So she said, so she, so, so the bartender was like, I'm going to play that song for you and you come up with a dance with me. No, you're scared?

Yeah, bro. I was mad nervous. Did you all sign warm up or did you just warm up right there? I was drinking so I was like having fun with it.

You know, I was like, whatever, dude, this is going to be great. Yeah. And you got nothing to lose because you're sitting there with a drink with an Irish man. Yeah, dude.

A couple of Irish men, actually. Yeah. So I start, so they play that song. Nothing's further than being happily married than sitting somewhere with two Irish dudes.

Yeah, dude. And they're the complete opposite of it. Yeah. So, so, so I'll do it.

And two Irish men listening to the Mets games with headphones on, you know, like they're watching the Mets, like they were trying to get the Mets score. Yeah. And, and, and so I just did that. I did that dance, played that song.

She kind of giggled and she goes, and she goes, that was a nice attempt. She goes, that was a nice attempt. And she goes, how about this? I'll tell you my name.

So she just tells me her name. And I was like, okay. And she goes, and then what, I almost, it almost was like it was a setup, but I swear to God it wasn't. I had been on a show on MTV called Guy Code and Girl Code, which is relatively still popular.

Yeah. SMA, um, Carly and Andrew Schultz and all those guys, guys and girls. So, so I, um, I, uh, somebody came up to me and wanted a picture with me from that show. And then she was like, why do I want a picture with you?

And I was like, oh, I'm on a show on, on, it's on MTV. And she was like, how old are you? I was like 30. She was like, you still aren't watching MTV.

And I was like, no, I'm not watching it. I'm just on the show. Yeah. Yeah.

That's just a, that's just, that's fine, man. You're not a bad guy. That's just a business story. I was like, I was like, I, you know, I needed, I'm just, I'm working.

Yeah. I'm working. She said that to me. She said that to me.

She was like, what do you want? Right. And so I said, um, I don't think they trust a lot of television. Puerto Ricans are more, they're more real life.

Yes. Yeah. She's like, if I was working at a gas station or something like that, she'd be more like, this is my kind of guy. Right.

But so she was like, okay. And then she said, um, she said, what's the show? And I told her, she goes, all right, maybe I'll look it up on there. And I was like, okay.

That'd take forever, dude. She's so vague. I know we only have a lifetime. I know, dude.

So then she goes, so then she goes, um, she was like, fuck with me. So she goes, um, she goes, all right. She goes, I'm leaving. She goes, I got, I got to get home.

She goes, I got to get home to my son. So that was, when she said that, she got the S-bomb. She got the S-bomb. So in my heart, my heart, I said, I said, if you get, I said, because already then, I said, okay, I said, well, the first thing I said, is that, you have a son with your boyfriend?

She goes, no. And I said, so is the son's father around? I said, is he deceased? And she was like, why would you want him to be deceased?

I was like, I don't. And she was like, you're like crazy. And I was like, yeah. And she was like, and she was like, he's still in the picture.

I was like, okay. So when she said that to me, I already felt inferior to him. So I said to myself in my heart and head at that moment, I said, the first time I sex with this woman, I'm not pulling out. I need to get her pregnant too.

That's how nuts I was. So you went full Puerto Rican. And that's eventually what I did. FYI.

No way. I met her. I met her. I met her in August of 2014.

We conceived July of 2014. My daughter was conceived in August. I was six and a half. 2014?

Yeah. My daughter was born in May of 2015. Wow. So you purposely impregnated her?

1000%. Wow. Because I felt so inferior to this guy. I didn't even know.

And I was like, this is the woman of my dreams. I'm going to play hardball. I need this. He's got one on the board.

I'm going to get one on the board. I said, yeah. And now I got two on the board. Now I got a second kid.

So now I'm like two to one, motherfucker. So it's psychotic. That's how I live my life. So I kind of liked it.

Yeah, dude. I went all in. Because everyone was like, you're crazy. And I was like, I feel like I'm an UberX with no brakes.

Yeah, dude. I was like, yeah, maybe I am. So then finally, I'll never forget. I was at Minnesota at Target Field.

I was at the MLB All-Star Game. Watching the game. Derek Jeter's final MLB All-Star Game. A huge Yankees fan.

Oh, yeah. I got a message from an Instagram message from an account I wasn't sure of. And it was just a dog laying on the floor like this. It looked like a dead dog.

So I was like, this is weird. This is wild. And then it said, this is me giving in. She said, this is me giving in.

And she goes, and she gave me her phone number besides the last digit. So she was really making me work. I gave me a memento or whatever. Yes.

She gave me the last digit. So I went through all the digits. I went through all of them. I just texted.

This number. And I just kept trying that digit. And most of them were like, who is this? I'm wearing other languages.

Somebody sent me back Chinese symbols. And then finally, I was like, could that be her? I was like, jazz? So then finally, I got the digit.

The last digit was actually zero. I started at one like an idiot. And then it's zero. I nailed it on the first try.

Big Old Life: Heather Blackbird interviews people on planet earth. Heather Blackbird loves asking questions. This podcast is a learning experience. Join me, Heather Blackbird, as I talk to people about their lives. Frequency of new episodes is a little all over the place and I'm learning as I go. Big Old Life is a small way of talking about the vastness of life, one person at a time. If you are reading this or found this podcast it's probably because someone you know gave you a link to it. :) Explicit Undeniable w/ Braxton Curtis Braxton Curtis The official Podcast of Braxton Curtis.A Father, Husband, and Business Owner just trying to figure it all out. Explicit Creativity Threads Life w/ Mr Benja Mr Benja Welcome creatives! These are discussions, thoughts, case studies, interviews, and lessons about how our creativity relates to life. The host, Mr Benja, is a former video game programmer / designer for Rockstar Games, Sony Santa Monica, The 3DO Company, and others, as well as a fine artist. -- Be sure to check out the website for more. Explicit Bitcoin Gateway Lea meakin Welcome to Bitcoin Gateway, the podcast where we dive deep into the world of Bitcoin, hosted by Lea Meakin. This show is for anyone who’s ever felt overwhelmed by the complex world of cryptocurrencies and wants a simple, straightforward explanation. Each episode, we’ll break down the basics of Bitcoin, explore its history, and discuss its potential impact on the future of finance. Whether you’re a complete beginner or just looking to expand your knowledge, Bitcoin Gateway is here to help you understand Bitcoin, one episode at a time. Explicit

Frequently Asked Questions

How long is this episode of This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von?

This episode is 1 hour and 45 minutes long.

When was this This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von episode published?

This episode was published on February 1, 2022.

What is this episode about?

Chris Distefano is a comedian and podcaster from New York who is co-host of Hey Babe with Sal Vulcano, and the host of Chrissy Chaos. Chris is currently touring the US with his "Chrissy Theaters Everyone Tour".  Chris Distefano returns to the...

Can I download this This Past Weekend w/ Theo Von episode?

Yes, you can download this episode by clicking the download button on the episode player, or subscribe to the podcast in your preferred podcast app for automatic downloads.
URL copied to clipboard!