Ego Says No

Greetings, bonjour, what’s happening 1st of July, mate. Summer’s here. So’s hay fever. Deal with it. I’m dealing with it. Dealt with it. Done. Still got it, mate, alas. Had COVID last week, weren’t too bad. This week, back to normal, I’m still a bit tired but we crack-on, none the less. Never had that TWIX in the end but I’ve been booked-in for a bit of work in Manchester at the end of the month, so I look forward to purchasing an overpriced mega-Twix from the on-board trolly-service when I flex out of Euston on the Inter-City. (Assuming here that it will be staffed and running of course) Do they still call it in the Inter City service? Or have I just had a temporarily replace into the days of British Rail? It’s either that, or too much football-hooligan nostalgia that those algo-riddimz kept selecting for me. They must be mistaken, mate. I liked the clobber but not the cobbering. Speaking of avoiding conflict… I’ve attached another one of the pieces from the Make Your Own Bed show I’ve been working on for what seems like an eternity (about 3 years and a squillion re-writes to date). It’s from when I was doing debt-collections for an asset finance company, having previously done it for a bank. A criticism that often came up of me in these times, was that I was not assertive enough and to be honest, I think they were right. I don’t like confrontation, both verbal or physical. There was a lot of confrontation in that work. I probably beat around the bush in the conversations I had but trying to extract dough from people that often don’t want to pay it, morals aside, a certain degree of conversational ruthlessness is required to get the necessary results. I just didn’t have it, mate. Still don’t. Never got those results. Never do. Never say never, ok, sorry Ahhhh I try not to duck conflicts these days, as much as I don’t like them, sometimes they need to be had out. Marriage has taught that. And I don’t mean that in a stereotypical ‘she’s always nagging me’ way, towards my wife but we are two people who’s lives our intertwined on many levels; sometimes we have to make decisions and sometimes we don’t agree. I still suck at arguing, though but I’ve gotton’ better, and I’ve cherished those few little wins I have had, like a lower league football team topping the premier-league giant in a major cup upsets but ultimately insignificant to the big team. Writing helps. So I recently asserted myself, sort of, in an exchange where I politely (I think) declined two gig opportunities. Basically I said no. For probably a number of different reasons, I don’t tend to do to many spoken-word gigs these days. I genuinely love performing and I miss it. Knowing that world, as I do, or more to the point, did; I know it turns over quickly. I think due to the accessibility of it as an artform, new nights spring up all the time, as do new performers and of course new audiences. I don’t tend to go many of these sort of nights but regardless of any of any stripes I’ve earned in the past, I’m always keen to get back out; especially when there’s whole new audiences to connect with. So I got contacted to perform at two different events, from two promoters I didn’t personally know but I was happy they reached out. Both the gigs looked decent, good previous crowds and good-looking venues but they asked to come and do their open-mike sots. Immediately, my ego kicked in, feeling a little insulted. but then all the rationales of above over-rode those and I thought, ‘well, new audience, new opportunity and if I smash the open-mike maybe they’ll give me the full feature’ which is of course what I want. I have an ego as big as anyone else’s but I think it’s kept in check (most of the time) with often crippling self-doubt and the fear of coming-across as a prick. I’ve seen egotistical pricks; no thanks. I’ve also seen how much of an inhibitor to it can be, to making good art. So I didn’t want to be a prick here, and I want to perform. I spoke to a good mate of mine, told her the situation. It helped to iron out the pros and cons and in the end I said no, to both. Maybe I’m a dickhead for missing out, maybe I’m sensible, as it would wind-up costing a fair amount of money to do it, travel, food etc, for potentially little gain. So it boiled down to what I think my own value is, verses what I think the quote-on-quote market value is. My own value is a fair bit higher, though my stock may have dropped in that sense, Facebook keeps throwing up these memories from 10- 12 years ago, of all these gigs I’ve done, running round like a loon jumping on any mike I could, I’ve done that, mate. So I politely declined and wished them the best of luck with their events, which I’m sure will be just fine without my 5 minute appearance For the record, as a performer, might be controversial to say these days but I’m not against working for free, at times. Depends what the gig is. All to often, I hear younger artists (without the stirpes) parrot more successful artists in refusing to work for free but in an entirely different context. I fully understand the demand for money, when an established artist is asked to perform at some dry-arse conference or whatever, which has clearly got big-budgets but if it’s a decent grass-roots gig, that doesn’t make the dough but they can give you a decent audience, a good venue, stage etc and maybe in a place you ‘aint been before, I’m all for it, mate. My good pal Conrad Murray sums this up well in the Making Hip Hop theatre book, which you can purchase here, if you click the link in the text. This went on a bit longer than I intended this week and we aint even got to the piece or the music yet! Ah yes, music. As per last week, I’m going to stick anther track on at the end. It’s going to be the 5th and final track on this forthcoming EP I’ve been working on, called Toast In The Machine. I’ve had the EP planned out a good while ago, it’s just taking me ages. I get side-tracked, I’m lazy but I’m only doing this for myself, as a little hobby, so when a bit of paid work comes in, it gets put to the side. The EP was initially going to be 4 tracks and I had the bones of them laid-out before I went to America at the end of last year. But then I got COVID whilst in Dallas and got very bored, so made this simple track with a video, which you can watch in the link. Came back, then thought it would work well as final, 5th track but would need a bit of work and a second verse, so it got put in the long quw for things I needed to do. But then I went and got COVID last week, again. So it felt like a good time to write the second verse and re-edit the rack. Hence the name – Dallas-Stone, two bouts of COVID, two countries, six months apart. That’s real. Or something like that. Cor-Dear. We got there in the end. That’s me over and out. Large up the new subscribers. Hope you stick around. Have a banging weekend. Peas and taters Paul Make Your Own Bed and Hope for the Best: FCP story I’ve been seconded to debt collection Like out of favour squad player Sent out on loan My department has been squeezed Less money to lend Less workers they need and I’m the most expendable Slash least valuable Maybe there’s a case for redundancy I don’t think I’d turn it down but then what else would I do? who would employ me in these times? I’m hearing there’s hundred of applicants for every job Maybe my Lloyds experience saved me But I’m back doing a job I hated This time though there’s no automated phone service I have a spreadsheet to manage and do The dialling myself All 1s and zeros I’m told I’m not assertive enough on the phones Fail to hit target each month Often when I tell customer how much money they owe On a car they don’t even own The say they didn’t know They didn’t own the vehicle Took out HP out for a boyfriend A wife or girlfriend And are now lumbered with an over-inflated rapidly depreciating asset that they can’t sell cos it aint their’ s and that person they took it out for is nowhere to be seen that’s kind of how I feel like 25 and not that young anymore Feel like I’ve already had enough Looking at life ahead like an old school telly with the Ariel pulled out I got stacks of letters from customers I need to read Some of them are desperate Don’t have the time to reply We get emails saying there’s people who want our jobs Who will do it for less Is that supposed to be motivational? it seems to have the reverse effect evenings my time is taken up with open mics And now a theatre, course I’m in a show Found it by chance and Took a chance and I’m loving it They give me encouragement, it’s hard to believe if they mean it or are just being nice but it feels good That and the overtime means I’m out 5 nights a week most weeks Sleep is tough And it hurts it when I wake The next day Shattered I live for my lunchbreaks and The walk to and from work down Victoria sreet practise freestyling, or words I’m learning to perform or listen to beats Last week I went to church Westminster cathedral Just sat inside and Enjoyed the quiet It’s been a long time But it felt right This is a public episode. 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