Emotional Sobriety Series E1: The 14 Traits of an Adult Child

Multipart series that addresses the family, codependency, and emotional sobriety.  A journey through parts of the Big Red Book of ACA, Adult Children of Alcoholics and Dysfunctional Families.  I used to hear old-timers say in meetings, "the longer I stay sober, the narrower the path gets."  I didn't understand what they meant at the time.  All I was focused on early in my recovery was, staying away from the substances that drove me to the 12 step rooms and how much clean time everyone had.  Things were simple, go to meetings, work the steps, talk to your sponsor, read recovery literature, be of service, and no matter what... DO NOT USE DRUGS OR DRINK ALCOHOL, one day at a time!  I never really heard people talk about "Emotional Sobriety."  Partly because of the fellowship I was in. We treated the word "sober" as a word that shall remain unspoken.  Also, because when there are new people in the room, focusing on their addiction is the most important part.  We have a saying, "the newcomer is the most important person in the room."  Everything should be geared towards helping that new person get their footing, feeling welcome, come back... and coming back clean and sober.  (NOTE: Keep in mind that, although the 12 steps are at the core of every 12 step fellowship, each fellowship, i.e. AA, NA, OA, GA, ACA, SA, Alanon, etc... have their own book, focus, language and traditions. It is similar to denominations within religion.  You wouldn't go into a Methodist church and expect a Catholic mass and all their Catholic traditions.  You also wouldn't go into someone else's church and tell them that they are doing it all wrong and they need to get on board with how you do it at your church.  It is about simply about "respecting the house you are in.") What these old-timers meant by the "path getting narrower" was, when the substances are gone, we have these foreign situations start popping up in our lives... they're called feelings, emotions, character defects, shortcomings, and life events.  It is actually a bit of a trick 12 step groups play on its new people.  New people come in thinking we are going to teach them how to drink and use drugs like normal people.  Then, they realize, oh wait, these people don't drink at all and they don't even smoke a bit of weed on occasion... wait... a... minute!  Then we tell them, "when you stop drinking and using... this is juuuuust the beginning my friend! Keep coming back."  Soon it sets in, we don't have an alcohol or drug problem, we have a living problem! In my experience, when one stays away from either, substances or behaviors for a while, we start to realize just how deep our insecurities, self-worth, fear, ego, and dysfunction really go.  There is also a thing that happens with time in a program... it is easy to start thinking you "know" everything.  I sure fall victim to this.  I've worked the steps so many times, I've been to thousands of meetings, I've sponsored numerous people through their life issues... I should know what to do by now!  As a matter of fact, what's the point in "asking for help," I already "know the answer."  Hence why "Emotional Sobriety" has become relevant to me.  I have not worried about taking a drink or using a substance for a very long time.  I do, however, still struggle with managing my emotions, fathering, husbanding, feeling my feelings, vulnerability, and a ton of other things that happen during the human experience.  This my friends is what forced me into the rooms of ACA.  I must look at the things that are causing me to act out in ways that I'm ashamed and embarrassed of... especially when I know better. I've found that the answers are deep within my sub-conscience & rooted in my childhood. Here is an introduction to the 14 traits of ACA.