Hey before we start this episode of two bears one cave Philadelphia. I'll be performing at the Met July 27 tickets are still available at burp burp Dot com let's start the show. He's my crusher. I'm Tom Segura This is two bears one cave the show that almost didn't get recorded because they forgot to turn the cameras on Tom goes on goes.
Hey, should there be red lights on those and they're like good call. You know what a double punch is a double punch? Yeah, like a double jab no no it's a thing in camera terms It's when they double punch so they turn it on and then they turn it off they forget that they were recording they turn it off Oh, oh have I had that on a shoot? Oh, have I had that on a shoot?
I've had that on a bungee jump. I've had that on a I've had that scry diving. I've had double punches all the fuck And I was like I brought that with our bad dude again It gets this is exactly what it is you get done and you're everyone's like dog that was fucking amazing amazing And there's one guy with a look on his face that has a secret and he's just like And you're like what's up Andy and he's like dude I never do this a double punched and everyone's like oh Where the GoPro's rolling dude? I've had double punches on go pros.
I've had double punches on everything This is what happens is that they hit it and instinctively turn it like no they punch it and shit to record and either They forget that they've hit record or it was already recording and they forgot and they hit again I think they're think they're recording now, but they just turned it off So they've got the cameras up there's no way for them to know and they record the whole thing dude I've double punched it dude I wonder how many people have double punched homemade horns and don't know the term they just call themselves a fucking idiot wait You double punch the homemade porn no, I wish I wish I let you record No, no, no, no, no, I got in trouble for is I would face timer yeah I'm just on your test. They see tell me and I record it and then iPhone started going a picture has been taken and you're like What the fuck you do you not have wives fucking Steve jobs? He was still alive would not allow that so you would she would show you the T radio face time though. Yeah, mmm.
Mm-hmm. How much actually you have right now not a lot you said six times a month I know lately it's been nil. It's lately been fighting a lot. What are you fighting about you name it?
You're gone a lot no, I'm around oh Dude me around the house is fucking exhausting I could see that we got no fight the other night because I came back from I came back from Zobraktober podcast was high And we got into a fight about the pronunciation of turmeric wait, did she not know about the are no shit? No, but the are and I said hey, I got you guys we are at our friend's house and I bring it in I put a big bag of it down. They give me a bag of it I go guys I got you turmeric and they're like you're saying it wrong I go no actually I'm saying it right and then it's like it's turmeric and I go easy It's written right there and I go Georgia read that for me and Georgia goes turmeric I go no, it's turmeric and like no you don't pronounce the are I go no I'm pretty sure pronounce the are and and then it turned into you guys don't know anything none of you are on your phones You don't research anything. No, so the podcast everyone can go fuck themselves on the king I get a big dick who am I fucking?
I wish they had that I wish they had that in like like I always compare you and you gotta be easy to be in a relationship with Dude, I am I got 260 dollars worth of Chinese food last night wait Just because you just wanted everything I can't I can't say no yeah, like and I start going but wait you want a little bit for the turmeric Did you leave the podcast or do you then go buy no no no no one of Joe's guys gave me a bag I was bragging about that coffee. I'm drinking right now Yeah, I was bragging about how great that coffee was and he goes it's the turmeric and I was like Oh, where do I get that and he was like hold on because we got a bunch extra and he gave me a bag dude I fucking love it. Yeah, dude. I keep on a glance Armstrong Larry Hamilton's coffee is fine I want the fucking yeah I think there's butter in it and his coffee grounds are better But yeah last night George I took friends over there like we want tiny food I was like what do you guys want?
I'm like just the shrimp popcorn shrimp and I was like okay, and then I got scallops and I got flaming y'all in French style This isn't does when you order big style like that. Does it make me a crazy? Oh? Insane she's like you're like you're like you're like look how many chopsticks they gave us they think there's 40 people here I've had that for sushi order I Was the best of that was Ralphie Ralphie could order some sushi I remember Ralphie did a special at the laugh factory This is all word of mouth Okay he did a special the laugh factory and they did a spread of Sushi for like craft services and Ralphie just pulled up a chair to the craft services table put on a bib got some chopsticks Just all play it get yourself a chair plan you know who told me a story like that was a Charlie Murphy I'm not the dinner with Charlie Murphy and he took me out to dinner It's like one of my favorite things that's ever happened especially because his buddy didn't want me to come You could just tell he was like who's white boy.
He's come so we We're sitting there talking about just I don't know I think was on my food and Bruce Bruce came up and he's like you know I did one of them big theater shows was like five cats on the same show and they have they had the catering table And there's like a mountain like a thousand wings and Bruce Bruce to put a chair tuck some shit in his shirt He ate them all like he ate like hundreds of wings and we talked to people like yeah, man What's up and then just sat there at the catering table? Oh, I kind of want my body to just go like go it like that far like just I'm like where everyone's like no That's just thing use the fat guy. It would be can you imagine as if everyone hasn't tweeted me? No, but that actually is your thing.
No, that's actually your thing I believe you're saying that imagine if you were just like doing all the same shit you do right now, but you were 450 See I'm still holding on to my tits like I'm still holding on yeah to like lose the way get my body looking okay Sure, you leave do you live in the delusion that you're gonna get it right there. Yes You do not need to continue that sentence you will be in really good shape it like in your mind You're like I'm gonna be in really good shape at some point. I'm actually later today. Yeah by Friday when we go to the I go into the gym from here and like part of my mind's like yeah, I'm gonna be shredded pretty soon.
Oh dude I know it's not gonna you know what you know what I do You know what is you know what feels better to me than working out buying new equipment buying what buying new equipment like Jim I'm going to go into five star and go. You know what I need a son of suit. Yeah, I put the best on a suit I work out son of suits. It's so great for your body.
What's your workout like right now right now for miles a day on that fucking Cont treadmill I have and I saw a suit it up. That's a lot of work every day in a son of suit too Brandy shop told me yesterday. They're really bad for you And I was like yeah, but you get off the treadmill skinny because it's not real weight loss That's just water weight now and it's still skinny and he was like, okay. Did he use those yeah They use them to drop weight using drop weight using drop like 12 pounds of water weight.
Do you remember the weigh ins? We did most unhappy. I've ever been in my entire life No, they were horrible But I'm saying we got we didn't we were like we got on the scale at the end of Like eating and drinking you know I mean we wait ourselves then we started to drink because we've cut water and I put on nine pounds in a couple hours You put on 11 dude, I I Remember the feeling we had when the podcast started and I hadn't had water in like 24 hours horrible And I was just going like this one I remember the first sip of water can I tell you so I lost this is the water bottle you gave me yeah But I lost it so I went to this company same company and I bought another one and they're not as good as they were making Them three years ago really yeah, they don't hold coldness the way they used to oh that what I have it This what I lost it in fucking Vegas this weekend this water bottle is the best one is in Vegas I was fucking I landed and I was supposed to go to a pool party So I went into the bathroom to change and I put my water bottle by the toilet everything was white it just disappeared You gig this weekend yeah Vegas like it yeah, yeah Vegas is weird for me because I'm in a party a pretty hard We joke away, so that was fucking blast you do you want to know something funny? We go Joe texting you go take me work club access or club excel or ex-ex Whatever so we get in and it's like bottle service.
It's tables It's like all really beautiful people Joe's fucking whole families there So I get up on the table with Joe and we're partying with drinking and people are like looking at us We're standing on a table standing above a table and then I just ripped my shirt off and the club goes nuts people taking pictures Joe's laughing we're there. I'm standing shirtless for probably 45 minutes and a bouncer comes up He's like hey man. I gotta be put your shirt on and I was like and Joe starts going It's the machine and the guy goes I know I know actually can I get a picture with you before you put your shirt on? Yeah sure so Joe grabs the camera takes a picture of me in the bouncer and the head bouncer sees that his guys not doing his work So he comes up and interrupts and grabs my diorimos.
Hey man. I'm gonna need you I didn't know you keep it off really and I cut my shirt off with a whole fucking night Jesus man That's my now that's living my dream yeah, yeah, I do believe I will be skinny one day I think about that so much Do you know how disappointed people will be if you cover up one day like if I'm saying like doing a spot I'm saying like a big show like I imagine now that the people like oh they're like they're like the one of the look They want to have a good time and laugh but they're looking up there like they're coming off right Dude, there's no way. There is no way I can do it. Can I tell you my this is what I'm concerned about I'm concerned that if I do another special shirtless which I will I'm afraid that it'll pop up and people go Oh, I've already seen that one Yeah, but you know what you address that in the marketing meeting with them about the stills and about that Oh, you were gonna say with a crazy haircut.
You can do that too You can do that too, but you should I think you should open like this on your next special when you come out You start you do a joke and then you go yeah, it's staying on guys It's a new it's me now and just wait wait have them all just like And then guys guys guys I want to talk to you about politics real quick guys guys Hold on one second. I think gun control and a woman's right to her own body. Hold on guys guys What are you doing? Oh fuck it?
Ripping off yellow beer my god my kids are dumbest fault. Yeah, dude. That'd be huge I can take a shirt off so fucking quick. I know you just take a look at this Yeah, I mean that it comes off so fucking quick.
That's so fast. Yeah, like here's me You know it's I was so funny. I was talking to Brian Callan and we were talking about you're still working on your shirt. Yeah, did you guys did you do their show yesterday?
I did fight her in the kid yesterday. Um, I was talking to Brian Callan But I have a like a number of theories. I want to invite you I was talking to Brian Callan and he was saying you know one of the things that fucked my career when I was younger was that I Cared what everyone thought he said that he said that and I agreed and I was like dude I cared I'd go into an audition and just want to not stand out does that make sense? Like I remember like wanting to like just be like that guys good and then guys would go in and just go like I I told him to go fuck themselves They couldn't book me and I was and then they booked you and I'd be like how does that work?
Yeah, yeah And I think when I started to truly become myself as when I started performing with my shirt off I was just like fuck it. That's who I am. Yeah, it's my personality It's definitely me. Yeah, and there's times where in my head if there's certain people like you know More successful to me that are after me like I won't take my shirt off at the store because I don't want to like I don't want to rock I was like Ron White.
I was humiliated one time David spade I won't take my shirt off cuz I'm like well, you can't but part of you has to go like you know what you should just stick to who you are and do it It's hard to stick to you are I really does that go through your mind. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, and then and then like even Joe will always be like Yeah, he had to take a shirt off on like I make a joke about it like oh Like if I put him for my shirt on Joe will be like oh finally showing a little self restraint machine and anyone like a joke about it I mean I'm saying with the specific case of him. That's kind of the relationship right? That's your banter.
Yeah between me and Joe. It's fine But my fear is that those guys like spade or normatol or those guys are like at Joe's level Would think the same thing he's thinking to make a joke about it They don't know me the way Joe knows me right so that's where my my I had a theory. I want to buy you Okay, virtue signaling is like the big thing. Yes, and I realized what virtue signaling is I realized the energy behind it Have you ever been have you ever been sitting at your house and you have tickets to sell on it in a place?
Right and you're like fuck Philly the 27th at the Met I gotta I need to move take it for the second show and you're like I'm gonna shoot like a funny video I gotta shoot something what virtue signaling is is those people's want to tweet they're want to post they're want to speak But they have nothing of worth to say so what they do is they tweet Gun control is absolutely fucking ridiculous. We need to get rid of all firearms and then you're all cool I tweeted today, right? It's the energy of wanting to put art out but having no artistic insights. Yeah, it's that and also the desire for The that approval yes comes with saying like here's where I stand here's where I stand is like the big thing now We're like people just want to know your position on these 10 things Yeah, and then they can go like that so you are and that's why I wanted to play a game called virtue signaling for a friend So you you do it on behalf of somebody we switch phones Uh-huh and I get to send it my what my virtue signaling for you and you get to send your virtue signaling for me We just see who gets more traction on it everyone's gonna hate us By the way, this is this is this leads into all those bullshit fucking branding publicity stunts they do that make me crazy Kevin Hart takes a lot of texture for Vanity Fair yeah sure ask the questions I Want to ask what do you want to ask them?
Oh hey for real? What's it like to work with the rock is he a pain in the ass and just watch it You make more money than the rock Fucking put the questions I want to ask they're like anytime. They're like a jack shepherd takes a lot of texture Toss with his wife Kristen Bell and you know their publicist has vetted that to the they're like no no no no no no no Don't ask about asking to do it. Don't ask about that.
No what they're doing is like this not a real life I'd write it here. Yeah, you know they're like that's not plugged in right? Fuck off Amy Schumer takes PA's phone and goes through her Tinder. Yes.
Oh Oh, no, this Tom's a girl takes me a phone and signs them up for grinder Suck your coffee. I would be so good on that I remember what I used to do for you on grinder because I made a profile yes of you and I use it from my phone I used your name Tom's a girl and I put your profile and so I go on to grind every now and then and people be like hit me up Go hey man, you're in my neighborhood I want you know when I see you want to party and I always go actually I'm gonna be the comedy store tonight I'm going to confine a good prank a good like Low level prank that you that doesn't make the payoff is always like is there's nothing better yeah You cuz you know what that what you're talking about right there is I think the heart of real comedy Just for the fun of it is it's so fun stuff to do the comics that don't have fun. Don't have fun I know it's a fucking worst You know what I like like for me the my favorite thing to do like when you're on the road with a comedian is just go like a When the waitress comes by here just be like hey I shit my pants you have a pair of hands I can use or something and like if they're like okay I'm like this is a like a fun person. Yeah, or I don't want to that.
Yeah, I'm like all right man Like what the one of my favorite things is with one of my favorite memories is doing the road with potter a couple years ago And we're boarding and I go just tell him your handicap and like you're blind so you can board first He is blind no, but I mean like be like go like this yeah, yeah Zombie it down the air so he's like he goes okay So I go with him and he puts it on my shoulder and I go he needs help the board and the person was like oh Yeah, absolutely like I'm having to stand right here and I left him there Oh, I go you and then I went back to the other boarding line And then when they're like all right time the board then they they ask him like can you help him? Oh my god, so then he walked with a stranger down the jet bridge. Oh the commitment to that so great That was just for us. Yeah, I'm saying like that's the if you're like a comic and you don't enjoy those moments I'm like you're not really yeah, I don't understand people who don't get those moments like the best moments I won first time I was ever at the cellar I went up to the bar Greg Geraldo was there and I wanted to order drink and the bartender was like talking to someone on the corner I said Jim I said it was the bartender's name and he goes Jordan and he goes oh Ralph Ralph Ralph Ralph and the guy turns goes are you talking to me?
I was like yeah Ralph and he goes Tommy and I look at Jim and he is dying fucking laughing That's fine. We'll be the bet. Let's let's let's let's sing Let's just workshop a few virtue signaling tweets that I would set put out on your phone and we'll get the most traction the most traction Well, what's the hottest shit right now? Yeah, there's a portion of those are pretty big okay now what okay?
What direction would you take the virtue signaling would you go all right or all left? Oh definitely all left. Oh Okay, we say for the biggest reaction for the biggest reaction I think on social media with like our following oh yeah, yeah, right? Yeah, a lot of our fans would be like I've read you actually yeah, you know, right?
I think yeah, no I think they would go I Think we'd have to go now gun controls the interesting one because that one you know I see I think that a lot of people that like are fans if you did the alt-right abortion stuff They would be like this kind of like they wouldn't think because those those laws are fucking kind of insane Yeah, like they're like no protection for incest and rape So it's like if you're like it's how it's gotta be I mean, it's they're like no they're like yeah No, no no abortions for incest and rape in Alabama by the way two of the most popular ways to procreate in Alabama Yeah, and yeah, and my wife from Alabama. I can make that joke. Yeah, I'm not really but close enough I think gun control would be the one where you lose a lot of the fans. Let's like where they be yeah, bro I remember I remember when I liked you Peter I bet Joe Peter yeah, I backed up Peter one time and I said something About dogs about hunting dogs or something about hunting or and I and then I said to this and then this guy wrote back He goes bro Keep him out shut you don't know what the fuck you're talking about and I look this profile and it's him with his dog I go hey asshole you're sitting with your dog in your profile picture and he goes Hey asshole read the name of my fucking handle and it's West Virginia bird dog hunter and I was like oh, yeah, sorry, bro I Mean if you really wanted to get traction on mine, you could do like some special needs tweets like Any apology if you any apology would like if you were like guys for the longest time I have been speaking inappropriately Oh my god, you'd be like what the fuck happened to you Tom?
Yeah, yeah, yeah What people or people would go like this is a really particularly mean troll I'm not serious I'd much rather troll people than virtue signal. Yeah, of course trolling people is the fucking ultimate. It's so fun It's like the fun thing we're talking about dude. Oh, especially when people like when people just keep dragging along and oh, yeah I don't I mean it's probably this is gonna come out there But I've been doing that shit for like this this Theo stuff You know like you see when I did the one where I go.
Hey, do you guys have any suggestions of guests? We should have on the show and it was feel what I feel feel feel okay feel good feel good And I was like hey, I got your suggestions. We got your top Messle Nick Sebastian like what the fuck man dude? I was all dude I did I got that and I quote tweeted it and I wrote oh please get at the Miz on I would love to see him and Christine that talk about their days on road rules and people are like oh what about Theo?
He was on road rules I mean how dumb are I mean like that is the fun of trolling but when the people are like like I identify with in those things Like somebody goes you can see in the comics someone will be like dude You're ignoring us on the and someone writes to them. Don't you think it's obvious you fucking idiot like oh? Like that's who I identify with the person who's going like how do you not get this? How do you not get how obvious the best the best troll ever is Colin Quinn?
Oh my god His whole whole feed is rolling just trolling people. I love it. I love it I may love that more than a funny tweet. Oh, okay So troll there's nothing like the sound of laughter to wake up to in the morning like his shit is just so absurd Just type in best Colin Quinn troll tweets.
I'm sure they have a website just calling to win we can actually probably go through What you were doing but Yeah, just roll down scroll keep going. I like when he's like when he gets a real sincere about his craft, you know Anything about the military's hope that I will return The new special someone says I would love the new special We've got room for you on the couch and you'll be on the couch and I'll be in bed I'm CQ from the lost tribes of the twins of Belfast and I expect that heroes welcome in nothing less right? That's kind of like not what I'm talking about but can't tell you my favorite the hardest ever laughs Colin Quinn And this is coming up on something's burning. Yeah, I asked he went to a summer school I'm telling the story wrong, but I think I'm telling it better He went to summer school one year in Brooklyn, right?
So all the kids and it was like summer school for kids that were We're bad enough to go to jail, but weren't good enough to not have to go to summer school He went to one he did and he and it was all the burrows had to go to this one school So he's like imagine the Bronx Brooklyn uh fucking Long Island, New York City So everyone was dressed differently everyone like he's like the Guidos the Italians the Puerto Ricans the blacks Everyone came in and that's a point good. Yeah, there we go and uh and he's he's he's like the black kids were the funniest I said really he goes yeah, he had told us I made him tell this again He said one day there was a guy in his class named God for your black kid named Godfrey And they were all in class the Bell rings and everyone's about to get up and the door opens And it's one of God for your friends another black guy and the guy looks in the room and goes Hey Godfrey your dad says leave the shoes by the door He needs them for work and shut the door and everyone was like you're so poor you only have one pair of shoes Dude, I love you like that. What's this? Colin Quinn tweet it says the conflict between Arabs and Israelis is not just about land But in my opinion, there's a religious aspect that can't be ignored This is perfect.
This is exactly what I'm talking about. Yeah. No, that's what else you have here Hey girls if you want to look more appealing to me forget the push-up razz and push up the sides of your mouth a smile is the new tits Fuck oh my god I'm not a racist who believes in white privilege, but I do believe very strongly in white power How much of a savage was he with that profile picture, you know back in the day yeah, dude he must have been an He's crashing up the year on his head. He's like a fucking young bird dude.
You know he partied hard his fucking 80s Oh, yeah, oh he doesn't party at all. He's like went sober. How much fun would okay? Name it okay 10 comedians me and you are two of them.
So now eight comedians Slumber party and a cabin up in the woods who just like camp right yeah, and we get one camp Okay, one comedian's the counselor who's like follow the rules. Hey guys lights out no more talking right comes in clicks Name the eight comics that are in the room with us to bus balls all fucking nights and then name the camp counselor All right, well first of all it's like who do you want to hang out and laugh with David tell Colin Quinn they've done Chad Daniels Chad Daniels Todd glass glass I think on Who makes me who makes you giggle every time you see them Brian Callan? Counts a lot of Collins just hardcore giggles. You need those snipers You need like a like a one-liner singer like a Todd Barry or someone yeah Yeah, like throwing you know we need a couple girls in there that can bust balls and hold it You can bust I would have said Sarah, but I won't say Sarah because that's too obvious Morgan Murphy she's hilarious Morgan Murphy Oh, if you're bringing her you get brings back with her.
Oh my god Zach alphinakis. That is the ultimate about a little diversity It's a summer camp Tom So so who's the camp counselor that just gets fucking irate? I bet we have black eye Okay This is very uptight not up to eight but like who can be imposing Alonzo Oh, no what if he came in he was like shut the fucking lights off We'd be like okay Do those those camp camp evenings where you were sit up at night and just the jokes would keep going I remember being on one of those and they had someone's dad as the the counselor like the mother and he slept in like the adjoining room And we were just laughing and laughing laughing and we kept going and I just remember him going shut the fuck up I laughed so hard at him saying that I almost fell out of the bunk dude Just like just an adult yelling at you like we're young dude like 10 the hardest the hardest I've ever laughed Was my senior year we went to windy gap. Did you guys go to windy gap?
You have young life? Went to windy gap and it was maybe 15 of us all two different schools Jesuit and plant in a men's bunk and sal Karenante got drunk as fuck okay, and they were sending him home So they were gonna put him on a bus and make him take a bus home because he got drunk And so we were up until six in the morning no one slapped We're in six morning and they were coming in and out and they were this high school it was so funny I remember the hardest I've ever laughed they go Sal and he's like, I don't feel good Jimmy Jimmy case I was a guy's name Jimmy's like Sal. I understand that he goes So it's Jimmy is Mike here and the guy Mike you know Christian leader comes on right here So what's up? He goes Mike your mom's a whore and just fucking we're on the floor.
We're on the fucking floor They're like Sal tell us so you got drunk with tell us who you got drunk with and he goes these And they're like these oh and we are shaking yeah, and he's like it was these I think these are still out there and we're dying. We're like waiting for in the south give us a last name Do you say what he's like these nuts and we were eight or 17 years old and we are crying laughing? I remember this one kid Mike. I don't remember his last name.
He goes hey someone go get Jimmy What about we're still up you know someone go get Jimmy and so we go Jimmy Mike me Jimmy comes in and he's like what's Matter he's in turn like no no turn the lights off Jimmy I think I have hemorrhoids my ass is burning and he had sprayed hairspray on his ass cheeks and lit them on fire and in the dark We are like oh by the way none of those guys turn into comics. That's what weird thing Yeah, it's like that sense of humor didn't translate to like oh, I'm gonna do this for a living yeah Boomer do you ever work with boomer nickels in Arizona? Why do I know that name? I must have done something with him Oh, right he was so I forced him to get into comedy I did my first special and they're like we the class I said no actually this buddy this guy no mate Did he come with us to the to the FSU game no no that's Eddie Fernandez he was I know I knew some of the funniest fucking people in the world that never did stand up Yeah, no of course It's and it's so funny because they make you laugh so fucking hard, but it's a difference a different thing Dude Eddie Fernandez moved out to LA and he would do stuff like there'd be a table full of hot girls and he'd go over the waiter And he'd go him and send him a pitcher ice water with five cups And so the guy would come over he goes out this channel and like about your drink and he go It's on me and then he bring over a pitcher or water with five cups and then he goes stay hydrated and these girls I remember him going up to girls with a piece of paper and go can I get your autograph really hot girls?
I'm like yeah, sure they'd sign it and go who are you I tell you about the time he kidnapped that girl right that time He kidnapped the girl. I've never told you the story. I don't remember. I probably remembered another kidnapping story We were I was getting ready to graduate he had already no he had already graduated He still had his place in Tallahassee.
Yeah, it's like a Wednesday night and we were doing nothing and He's like let's go to the ATO house or if there's a go to the ATO house see what's going on So we just gonna pull over to the fuck around take a dip drink beer whatever Yeah, and there's a full-bone party and we did not know we're like we're kind of out of the attorney system How great was dipping over that? I know you know when I started dipping it was in Florida. Yeah, one of the guys two days of football Well, it was it was it was during that time But like it was the first time I ever did it I did it driving and I started to get such a buzz I was the greatest buzz in the world especially that first one and you're like holy shit You can do so I thought you get high forever on it and I actually you know that that burn feels addictive You know that when you put it on you thought yeah feel tearing up fibers and your gums and tobacco is flowing into your bloodstream Man, I fucking it was disgusting. I remember like these right here.
It's be full of brown water. You ever take a swinger your spit 10, Arizona working with J Moore and Walter gauze and I decide I'm gonna stay the night They decide they're gonna drive over the night. I'm gonna fly home in the morning We get done this Sunday show they get in the car I'm heading over to the bar and I get a call from from Walter and he goes Jay What's talk to you like oh what's going on he goes? If you ever Spitting a cup in my car take it with you out of the car and don't leave it in the fucking console He goes big a wall through the dying lap and change.
I took a big swinger dick The nasty is dude. I'm miss dipping so much. We should do an episode where we take a dip Let's do walk people through it. Let's dip again and let's commit to doing it for a month I mean I'm so fucking in I could quit drinking.
I could do dipping would I need to drink when I did I didn't need to drink at all You know I can't tell you to do it more than me. I had a cigar over the weekend I want last night. I was just like I feel like I don't get them enough I should just fucking commit to I need more vices. I could pull back on a couple They travel to try with your cigars do yeah, but I don't smile I didn't smoke any on the tour.
I smoked one in Tampa for like a promo shoot But I didn't smoke many your pop smokes right my dad smoked cigars all time Pretty much every day smokes one at the end today has a glass of wine and edible in a cigar Email about vices and moderation Dear sister's party. Yeah really party really both Haven't seen them in forever they Not even seen any of forever. I thought cottie couple times yeah, Annie they both smoke like I remember the first time like I when cottie was like 15 or whatever and we went to Annie's house I was in college and I come back on maybe like 20 cotties maybe 14 I'm 24 Annie's 22 and Annie's got a place in Tampa and Cottie's like a freshman in high school and they like a joint that looks like one of those Tommy chon ones Yeah, I'm like and cottie's just hitting it just whoo and I'm scared of marijuana at the time I'm like oh But they party they'll eat edibles they fucking really yeah, I think anyway to a period She was eating acid every day in college every day. I remember the first time I was like school she went for state For a little bit than left.
She came up to me one time and was like I was like Hey, I'm maybe a sophomore. She's a freshman. I may be a junior She's like hey, what's the deal with drugs and this is like my moment to be like a big brother to her I was like listen, you know, you don't get lost in it I have a lot of friends or you know Smoked too much pot and you want to always kind of be focused and like achieve your goals They go to school, you know, but like for the most part, you know if you want a fun little fun, you know It's not bad every now and then to take a hit she was like okay cool And so then like the next weekend she's like a just you know, I try drugs and she's like really sick I'm gonna hit a masculine and I was like oh Marijuana Yeah, she She fucking party but they don't but they were always they can always do everything a moderation like everything right like they would be like Yeah, I don't need I'm done smoking and then they just wouldn't smoke for a month Yeah, and drinking neither of them are big drinkers like they'll have a glass of wine. They'll have a cocktail then they're like I'm done I don't feel good anymore If you change one thing about me, what would it be?
Okay, too I don't know that would change anything. It's fun. Do you ever think about getting here transplants? I think about it all the time I thought about it a couple years ago.
Can I tell you what like a big deterrent is for me for anything? The effort involved for something I feel the way about working out. Yeah, no, but I'm saying for something that you're like this is just for For vanity, you know, I go like I'm not gonna go fucking have a procedure done And then they told me like mmm cuz a friend who had it done like then you go like once every yeah Whatever six eight weeks and you see him again and he does this thing to your head and then I'm like dude all this for Hair like now. I'm good.
I want them to just give I want to get stem cells in my I interviewed I interviewed Steve Byrne about his new movie amazing Jonathan Always amazing and I go so like what did you take out? He was like I kept on a lot of stuff and I was like really and he goes and some stuff But I just felt it was a little irresponsible that Jonathan was kind of married to but I was like I don't want to and I go like what? Well, you know he's dead a part failure and then it kind of turned around and it was mostly because he was buying stem cells off the black Market in Mexico. I was like He said he goes bird he by the way, not joking goes bird his toe popped off Like his toe popped off like I guess he had like what his toe popped off.
What do you mean? He lost a digit and like from diabetes. I could just pops off like like one of those cheese things His toe popped off. I might fucking pass out.
It just pops all it just and so and so Steve said bird He shot stem cells into that toe and a nub grew back Can you believe that you want to do this for your hair? Let me do this for my hair and just have nubs just What if little fingers go out of your head You know how much I'd love that you probably I would use those fingers for thought bubbles like I'd never wear a hat And this would be me I'd be like I have an idea I wonder if Wait, what if you you you and you what would you change about yourself? My ability I wish I had any ability to shut my brain down and slow it down like last night's a perfect example Perfect example. I don't eat all day.
I'm doing really good on my time, right? I have a light breakfast I have a coffee I go to fight or in the kid We had a little glass of whiskey there and I go I'm gonna go home I got an interview with Steve at my house He's already waiting and I was like I haven't even I'm gonna grab one piece of pizza. It's quick It's not too many calories one piece of pizza. I'll eat that go into the thing So I do the interview I come out and all of a sudden it's like it's like I can hear my brain going yeah Like let's start drinking with how to start our Chinese food.
Yeah, like I can hear it and I cannot slow it down And it's like I drink a I drink a full bottle of wine just by myself I drink I eat I have $260 with a Chinese food splayed out on our table and I'm just like almost like a prince at an orgy just I'm just and I mean even with like the egg roll you know they give you the sweet sauce and the mustard Yeah, but so much mustard on that I started choking. Yeah, I can see that on my first bite and I fucking finished it Yeah, like it wasn't enjoyable. I'm just like sweating and sweating. Yeah, I mean look at like my daughter's plates And they have like you know a little bit rice a little bit of this a little bit.
I wish I had some sense of moderation Yeah, yeah, I can't I'm kind of like that with certain things like what like food I don't go like that shit. I mean like if I talk to myself into it I'm like okay, but like my instinct is to do it like that. This is a perfect example This is my brain to a tee George's birthday turns 15 fuck 2015 tomorrow and 15 Sweet right are you gonna get it next year? Oh, I'm getting myself a car.
Yeah, I'm getting myself a car like a fun car Yes, you can drive one of the bullshit ones. We own yeah, yeah, I'm gonna get myself a fucking car Congratulations. You got that piece of shit. I've been driving in the whole time.
It smells like I was feet I will be getting a Porsche Do you believe I'm all you're talking to me? I have like my eye on nine different styles of cars really? I'm looking at like rock climber camper bands like I'm looking at everything. I want to get a pimped out Because she can drive I want to get a pimped out sprinter for her yeah, so that you can drive me around I'm thinking about so so we go so that she can drive me around Yeah, like hey, I need to drive in the store wait in the sprinter to your homework and I'll be out at two So and it's gonna have like a partition and close this on the talk to her So this is this is exactly what's wrong with me in a nutshell, okay?
George and I go what do you want for your birthday? She goes like a new phone her phone is like whenever she we greenlit phones for it's the oldest iPhone You can get my second oldest I was there just whatever iPhones we outgrew yeah I was is the one where they made the big one it doesn't fit her hands just use two hands to hold it So she never uses it it stays in her bed. It's like a TV screen for yeah, so I go to I go to the um Apple store Georgia and I go I'm in lands with me and they go so what are you looking for? I said what's the top of the line iPhone they go an iPhone XS and I went awesome I'll take it and they go how much memory I go 500 gigabytes and they're like cool and I go and then Georgia goes Now I got the nicest iPhone in the family and I go you know what fuck it put two in there I want to and the answer what I go I'm upgrading my iPhone I go We're going to strip a Bali I want the best camera I have one of the best camera one of the most memory put two in there And lands like oh my god, so I get home.
I'm gonna switch over my iPhone I take the sim card out of this one and put it in the new one and then I take the new one I go I get this to I love maybe I'll just give this island. I look I already had an excess You had the top I had that I had that I bought the exact same fucking phone I bought the same Fucking phone Tom. I didn't I didn't think it through I just got impulse. Yeah, wrap it up take it I bought the same fucking phone what car are you gonna get for yourself?
I want to know what your eyeballing I Have a lot of a lot of like at first I was like I'm gonna get something cool fun like one of those like a Jeep like a like one of the ones the Trackhawk one like the ones with a big wheel in the back and okay I'm like what Joe one and then I was like oh, you know I'll get I'll get a 67 Cadillac convertible like a big bodied whale That's cool fly around town in and then I was like I'll look at these I looked at a lot if you Georgia and Lee and I are on a text thread where we send cars to each other yeah Georgia once Georgia's like I think I just want like a Like a Jeep Cherokee and I was like how do you make a kid like this who's like that's what they ask for do she's never had anything but water in her life What she's never had soda never once tasted soda what never once tasted a soda doesn't like Coke doesn't never had Coke Won't have it probably won't like it I'm good doesn't like juice doesn't like Gatorade doesn't taste it them doesn't like them doesn't like anything She the only thing that she tasted and shocked me once yeah, we're in we're in get the Terra Terra Nia in down in Ternia Yeah, we're in Ternia Leanne is great great. What's funny. I want to get one of the cottages Leanne and her friends Sandy are going in we've all been by the pool or whatever they're going in to take showers We're all getting ready to go to dinner and Leanne goes I wouldn't mind like a fun cocktail and I go Okay, this is the one I had the first level of this one yeah good one Mm-hmm, and so I go okay, so we don't really have much mixtures So what I do is I take a tangerine I feel that with ice I take a tangerine and I shake it up crazy And I destroy the tangerine inside there right peel it shake it up like crazy throw vodka in there shake that up like crazy Take that pour that into a cup with some ice and a little soda water and I say to George I can't go in the shower go take this in your mom shower take this to Sandy and George just can I taste it? I was like well, yeah, but look like a big step you yeah, you taste it I'm like she's gonna hate vodka.
Yeah, but if you don't like soda. Yeah, I hate vodka and she literally goes like this That is awesome. Oh shit. I was like motherfucker She's can I have one no like we're not those parents were not those parents at all she got dad's jeans.
It sounds like Wait till she like I think about this with my kids wait till they have their first drink and the way my brain went Oh, so we're gonna slow down for a second, huh? I already feel like I know what like what else is gonna be like really yeah, why what they're just he has like already He's a smart ass. He has like snark to him. You know if I'm like hey, you need he goes calm down and I'm like I'm like I'm like calm down and I go calm down.
I fucking love this kid and I go don't you calm down don't you tell me to calm down he goes And I'm like dude. I already can tell I feel like he's gonna be like you know He's gonna be like 16 like what kind of car and I'll be like you can get like in a cord I have an Aston Martin bitch and like he's gonna be a smart ass whereas Julian's gonna be like sure dad You know what you know what? You know what? You know what he'll do George always wants to drive like wherever pulling into the house Take a drive the last little bit she back 14 and I'm always like yeah.
Yeah. Yeah one time. Oh I said Georgia. I go hang on with the cars.
She was one of the B. M. W. I go.
Yeah Yeah, move the B. M. W. And then go hold on.
Don't just put her in a car by herself I go babe All she's doing is backing it up and moving it forward and she was I'd rather someone be in the car with her and I go fine I go old drip pants over here wants to be in the fucking car with you So George gets on the car with Lee-Ann I'm in the I'm in the truck and I'm waiting for the backup and I hear Georgia put it in reverse and stepped on the fucking gas and it didn't even move the wheel just went Hit the brakes Lee-Ann look around I look back George's eyes are like this and she's like Oh, both of them out the car switch seats Lee-Ann backs up. I was like holy fuck So she spun out spun out in the fucking driveway dude spun out dude. Let me ask you before we This I don't know when this is gonna come out, but we were talking recently about the sober October challenge Oh, what are we gonna fucking do man? We're gonna do whatever Joe wants clear.
It's clear like I gotta tell you I really am into the hip-hop thing I was too and I think it would be fun and I think it would be different and I think we're all to level playing field But I think here's the problem is that I maybe like I think Joe's so enmeshed in dealing with guys like David Goggins and Cameron Haines and Eddie Izzard and that guy that hiked across Antarctica That I think part of him looks at it and goes I don't have the time to commit my life to go walking across like I don't have that kind of free time But I do have this one month where I get to test myself and push my limits And I think I think he looks at us and goes I want them to test their self-emotional limits Yeah, I think that's what it's about and if that's what it's about I'm fine with it I don't want to do the running I'm fine with the running like I don't dislike it I actually don't dislike it. I dislike the no social media only because Ari doesn't think it through he's not using his fucking brain And by the way, he's lying to himself. He goes out by every social media going to vacation with him He's on his iPad the whole time and they're going hey, can I use your phone? Here's your phone.
Can you can you Wi-Fi? How do I get Wi-Fi on this? I can use your computer. My computer doesn't work.
My computer doesn't work. He's on social media non-fucking stop He just says he's not cuz he's got a T7 phone. So like I Mean I understand like I think I'm not on my phone as much as I think people assume I don't read comments. I just post videos put out content and that's it like I'll put out a tweet if I think it's cool And I don't read comments like yesterday.
I wrote I wrote I wrote I wrote so Brocktober tip up dance or Or running and it was 70% said hip up dance 30% said running But I think it's also it's like I think look quite honestly we're doing this We're sharing it on Joe's podcast. It's Joe's podcast That's true if he wants to do running and that's the thing that will get him inspired. Yeah, I'm definitely down with that I think you know, he's just seeing how far you can push himself. He's definitely gonna smoke us all Oh, yeah, but that's that's like that's the thing in my brain where I go.
I'm never look I'm not gonna play in the major leagues. Okay. I'm not gonna play for the PCH or I'm never gonna get in a cage fight I probably won't even get in a fistfight. There are very few things that I get to test myself in yeah in this world Yeah, and the one definite one is testing yourself against Joe who quite honestly is at an Epidemic none of us are even close at yeah But some saying but we can but we get to tug on the tiger's tail a little bit and through how my most we get to my point Is this though?
He's going to be like like he's like we're going to war and he's gonna do some shit like when he did the The point, you know, he would do like six hour workouts He's just gonna be like hey, I did run 30 miles today and like and you're gonna be like, you know, let's say you get in 15 you're gonna be okay, and he's gonna be like 30 the next day like he's gonna do that shit to the point where you're just gonna be like Okay, but we're not we're not competing like it'd be different if it was you me, Ari Hey, let's do a run thing. That's different because there is one athlete who is just a different level athlete He is a different level athlete, but I think that's where Look, I mean, I'm not so like but I definitely my right after we did so I brought over I came home I got a family I came home back to our house and I went to sleep and I woke up with the panic that I had last Like that that like in the middle of the night going I gotta run yeah, I'm wasting my life I remember remember there's a challenge about this is just you know, you know the feeling of talking about of course This is just a challenge on who's got the most free time in a lot of ways it is It's just a challenge on who has the least amount of time But it's also like the like preparing yourself for the month leading up You know, I mean like just jumping into that heavy physical stress It will look don't get me wrong if we decide running and I think we should pull the trigger now because we need to prepare our bodies Yeah, we gotta prepare our bodies hardcore for the month about fuck drinking has become a sidebar in this No, even knows that we don't drink into drugs No, it turns into this physical challenge and we have to drop away, you know, we gotta get our legs ready Here's the thing that I think that I think you know that you never know man injuries a motherfucker Well, that that's the one big factor and Joe was gonna go so fucking hard right he could he could hurt his knee I think I think I heard myself. Yeah. Yeah.
He's like I think I've got the fucking re-bobs or whatever Yeah, these are shutting down. He's are shutting down on pissing Coca-Cola. Yeah, we're like No, dude if we get into a right here's the thing you know is gonna be the surprise again though. Ari.
Yeah, yeah Yeah, the dude weighs like 180 now. Yeah, and he's so Ari will work the system see we're talking about mileage So we'll find some sort of fitness tracker that will count our steps and those steps at the end of the day We'll add up for the mileage that we put in now obviously the if you can cam Haines it and do 13 miles of breakfast and 13 miles of dinner It's not happening if you can get yourself to a light enough weight with a good leg strength and that's where I'm done A lot of thinking about this in the last two days me and you have not more leg strength than Joe But we're our legs are used to carrying around bigger frames. Yeah, so if we drop the weight all the sudden our legs became become high-performing Machines Just go with me. Okay.
You ever see like a really obese person that loses weight. Yeah. Wow. How come your calves are so big and Yeah, shut the fuck up.
Yeah, so we need to be doing body squats and getting our legs used to this frame Then when we lose weight our legs will be like I feel great. I feel great. How what are we losing this way? We're gonna lose it.
It's coming up. It's gonna be after I get back from Australia. Okay, and so Joe Joe His legs are pretty strong already and pretty flexible Okay, already though his legs are only time. I don't know man I wish I could fucking frame this thing that's fuck is that I bet Ari can run like the fucking wind No, I'm gonna fuck the system again, and he's gonna do what he's gonna do what he did last year He's built like a fucking marathon He'll just walk very fast everywhere like his dad walked the marathon.
Yeah, or he will walk everywhere in New York I'm gonna walk it so I'm gonna walk it so I'm gonna walk it. Yeah, just walk up town in those that's a city built for walking And that mileage will count what we'll need to do is I'm gonna say time every fuck my door muscle drop me up 30 miles outside every city What's which mother's it for me October? Think about this let's upside this let's upside this yeah because I texted Joe this morning about swimming He was like it was in seems like he was receptive to new ideas So so so upside this dude, you'll see Europe. Yeah, you're gonna be jogging through Hungary cobblestone streets rolling your ankle I'm pulling up my October calendar.
I mean let's see where I start my October fucking a man If I'm running this whole month I start the month. Okay, my first well I'm in town for a week then Des Moines Lincoln, Nebraska Sioux City Minneapolis Fargo. Yeah, and then I and then I have a break and then I have the European run Okay, let me take a look at my my October's aggressive. I can guarantee it Let's see October starting with October 3rd Oklahoma City San Antonio Houston.
Okay, the hottest fucking cities in the world to run outdoors. That's horrible North Carolina ball sweat Charleston South Carolina fucking Jacksonville Fort Myers Oh my god, and then I get a break in Syracuse. What a beautiful city to jog through I can run through the college and that's it fucking Buffalo Pittsburgh Virginia Beach Montclair, New Jersey Huntington, New York kind of can't wait for this running challenge and then I have November 3rd off Do you might you might get down to like fucking 190? What if I do my special and I'm 190 and everyone's like oh why would of course He lost weight.
Yeah, that's what I'm afraid of is that I'm gonna look ripped and I'm really I'm really nervous. I'm gonna get so fucking yoked and everyone's like oh look at your piss go Go up there. Yeah, I get some tattoos. Oh, we get that.
Oh, what'd you get that? Yeah? Yeah, I already won I want to attack to a Florida on my face my first tattoo of face Tat Florida Leon would really be cool with that. That's the most Florida thing you can do is get your first tattoo on your face Would you really do that?
Yeah, I want it do it. I want it after this special I'm thinking about shaving my head and getting a face that what about body wise? Would you do any do a sleeve or something chest piece? I probably start stomach Start stomach.
What would you put there? Burt just in case people forgot? Oh, the guy was sure off Oh, that's Burt. What about the on the back?
We're doing on the back how much how much per tattoo would you sell the advertisers? Well that you could do now get Warby Parker's tattooed right here. I think you charge a premium. That's coming off every show They're getting free advertising every show.
Why don't you reach out to like tide or something like a fortune 500 company? Dude, I tried to I hit my agents up and I was like, hey I want to sell my career to shark tank and they're like what do you mean? I go I want to go on shark tank and offer up my career as a business plan because I think with their seed money I can build my business and they're like, okay, how much would you sell your business for and I go $500,000? You're worth more than $500,000.
I am and they're like, oh, yeah, what are you serious? I was like, I didn't know I was like, well, what is it like a million dollars and they're like you worked more than a million? I go two million and they're like, okay, you're not putting on a shark tank And then they would just own your career. Yeah, and well, no, they get a portion of my earnings.
I got you We'd split my earnings, you know 80 20. I didn't think it through obviously I'll tell you what I tell you what I love about what you have and what I want to do Is I want to create a small team that travels with me that shoots stuff that records stuff? Like I feel like we could be putting out content so much more myself included. I think about it Yeah, I do a couple short things coming up here like to be film like a short film basically sketches.
Yeah I don't know. That's the stuff I like to do. We should something after this. Okay, help promote tour dates What do you got?
Oh, when do we start releasing these? I don't know. What do you think man? When do you think blue?
Let's do it before July 27th. I'll be the Met in Philadelphia. So wait, when do you get back? I get back.
I think we worked out July first July first. Okay. Yeah, we could put these out in July maybe now Let's put it out in July So proud of myself for not drinking. I took it over here.
I was hung over. I was like I'm definitely fucking drinking today But now I get to run lose weight dude. How much do you think we'll lose if we run for a month? Well, I think what we're gonna get down I think we'll get our bodies ready because if you just start running like that you're gonna get stress factors and factors You'll get plantar fasciitis you get shin splints.
It's it all you'll fuck yourself So we'll have to build to it and I think what I'm this what I'm thinking about doing and we should both do this together is get a Get on a plan to run a marathon October first So do like two months of training where you get ready ready for a marathon October first And then I really think I really think if you put in look I think it'll be shocked How much much mileage you can put in if you did a solid morning of running and then just were cognizant of walking everywhere? I think you'd be amazed at how much mileage you can put in because that I think if I'm not mistaken That's chose challenges is mileage throughout the day because it can't judge I mean if he wants to do just running yeah, then you know what our big advantage is against him even though we're all busy or younger Yeah, even though we're all busy is that he loads up his calendar with shit every day pretty much all day Like that guy does like three podcasts that are each three hours long Yeah, so it's actually like you said that the time factor is um like he'll have to schedule his runs like really schedule them He will literally have to but he's kind of person was like I just won't sleep for one day. Yeah, that's true I think I think we have to build I think we have to sincerely like get ready for October for gonna do this running challenge But here's question is it straight running meaning like like like all right and go and then you run or is it fit bit? Who logged the most mileage that day?
It's gonna have to be mileage It's gonna have to be because Ari will just walk around New York Yeah, and he'll have tons of footage tons of mileage But I think it'll be shocked with how much mileage you can add up if you are just cognizant to walk everywhere Yeah, I mean there's things that in our neighborhood that I could just like you know always walk to do that month when I'm right from my 40th Birthday, I drop like 40 pounds in a month and like 29 days. I drop like 40 pounds all it was I know right a lot of it's water weight a lot of it's water weight a lot of it's not drinking in your body Just one oh my body doesn't do that See once I cut the booze out my body starts going oh, we're back, baby So you can also walk to that donut shop. Oh my god dude at donut shop blinkies Yeah, dude. I went in I take Georgia to school.
She's doing finals. Yeah, I drop her off at school You know, it's like a famous LA spot. I know that now I come back I grab blinkies on the ride home. I wake up.
I let she doesn't have school that day open blinkies. I love lights up, right? We destroy half a dozen easy and then she says we should get these for our part We're going to party that I'm she's in the party. I go.
Okay, so I go to pick up Georgia school and I stop by blinkies one more time and I walk in the lady goes you again I go yeah, she goes not a lot of people get two dozen one day. I was like well I said they're really good donuts and she's like all right and then she loves me She was give him an extra one and she gave me one. It's like it's like a it's like a bear claw almost Yeah, and it's got jelly inside it isn't it crazy because when I pick those up when I came here for the first one It's crazy that you you have a box full and they're like a 18 dollars That's it like to get that much. It's not health food But I'm saying you get that much and it's not even 20 bucks dude, so cheap You could get three dozen four dozen my mouth is watering It is watering that feeling we were at Georgia softball party and they made these things called slut brownies at a softball party I was like ladies.
What about empowerment and so I had one it was Cookie on the bottom fudge in the middle brownie on top with white sugar You bite into it and you're meant the top your mouth starts tingling and your eyes go back in your head and you're just like oh god oh You know what I was saying I was trying to write a joke about I use no dolphins dolphins, but we go to a dolphin counter going to Delft counters Like go to a strip club you can tell the girl they don't want to be there the managers like Bro ladies we got customers and they come out like uh And they're like and and then my daughters immediately like um can we touch them and I was like already know the answer to that And the guys like yeah, but don't put your fingers on their holes I'm like yeah, that's the rules around here and then I was thinking They say don't touch below the dolphin don't touch a dolphin's dick you though They'll try to fuck you they want you check them off. How great would it be let me see your dolphin impression of a dolphin coming? I want to see you as the dolphin What was the last time you're a strip club the other night really where in Norway? Norway was that the last place I was no where's Cristiano in its wherever that is so we didn't tell you this no We went in we went in to this one place called Waterloo and the guys like and we go hey They're paying machine in there and he goes now.
I don't know a big machine in a strip club because now I would wait I was like well you guys were in my head. I'm like already I want to go to the strip club like if I can't just double up and go any more money Yeah, so he goes one around the corner so we go on this one in the corner and there's one called secrets right next to the machine I go and mark on one of those secrets so we walk in and we go to the guy and we're like He looks like boss rooting he's just this big guy and we're like hey Is it fun in there and he goes yeah kind of we're like okay We're like how much is the cover he's like 50 or whatever I don't know what it was and we're like alright do they get fully nude and he goes yeah And we're like did did you serve alcohol and you see guys but I don't think this is for you and we're like hold on why not He goes our girls are like they're looking for more of a commitment and we're like okay We're not looking for a commitment because you know they want to spend time with you get to know you you know like his English is bad What he was trying to say was they take it out of room and jack you off Yeah, but all we heard were like so we got to get to know them Yeah, we got it we got it to date them. We're gonna take a stupid private room And we were the couch where you get to know them and we were like so we'll get down there She'll be in a pajamas like I thought we catch up on Game of Thrones And so we're gonna go in we went back to fucking Waterloo and we were the only dudes in there and the girls just swarmed us And they were like you done snout you done snout, huh? No, you look I can I jack you off and so I said I said to mark no I'm like here's gonna go on and tell me if they jack you off And he would come out and goes they don't know okay.
I'll take a shot like a lot of hands I said my head I was like I was like I don't want to be in there get that's the one the one joke I wrote I haven't fucking told I told that night the next time on stage is I love my wife. Oh fuck. I love my wife I wish I didn't I Went to a strip club in Norway wherever the fuck we were I was a strip club in Norway and she texted me She said where are you and I'm not gonna lie to her I go I'm in a strip club She goes here you're getting a lap dance and I wrote no and she wrote back faggot I love my wife as I was laughing so hard It's just like get a fucking lap dancer in Norway and I was like done deal done And that's why I had to go more see if they check you off and you're like they don't you know I was like did you try and he's like I mean I did not try it All right, we close the show with our best virtues signaling tweets that we can isolate two camera ready Okay, okay virtue signaling tweet. Oh, you gotta say the number one virtue signals about Trump Oh, let's see if you can do the trifecta virtue signaling tweet, okay Enough America Wow, this is really horrible because now there's gonna be this isolated audio of me just into the camera And someone can just pull it and go this is what for Christ your things.
Okay, you gotta sell it to the camera Okay, all right enough America I'm done with this narcissistic clown who's running our country with one gun in this hand and a coat hanger in this hand enough America That's a good virtue single that was pretty good. Yeah, yeah, okay, and sell it sell it. Okay, okay. Hold on All right Everybody needs more guns Okay, now I'm gonna flip my virtue signaling tweet to that way.
Okay, okay Calm down guys guns don't kill people people kill people and that is why need we need to outlaw abortion That's a good that was a really good combined good one. Okay America women shouldn't have the same jobs as men or the same pay cuz they're fucking stupid Okay, I'm gonna top that I'm gonna top that okay Pump your breaks ladies. These are big decisions for big brains will decide who and when you get your abortion Right try to top that try to top that try to top that That's really good try to top that try to top that okay, all right Hey Muslims oh you win you win keep going keep going. I gotta try to top this This is Western society and Western culture We wear shirts and jeans we fuck outside and we eat bacon if you don't like it go the fuck look look a land Okay, and get out of Congress.
There you go Okay, how's that okay, but I'm gonna try to make it shorter to fit into it like this is this is what you said Yeah, but this is even dumber and more to the point. Okay, all right. Hey Muslims whole come in here look it up Do Do you want to Bernie Sanders? Oh, yeah, hey feel the burn old man.
This is fucking capitalistic society Your socialist bullshit doesn't work here. Maybe head up to Vancouver. We're on those faggy cities Hey Bernie dollar dollar bills y'all and something so Jewish I This is a show called that was our careers. My name's we're crazy.
I'm top singer. Thanks guys a couple weeks rate review and subscribe