Ep 10: Jingle All The Way

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My name's Renee, and I am bad at movies. That's why I ask my friends to make me watch their favorite movies that I've never seen before. So today's show, we have our very, very famous... Second Wind Collective producer Dan Schiffmacher. You know him. You love him. You might just like him, but I love him. So this is the holiday season. We're going to go ahead and start our little run of holiday movies. And to get us started, Dan suggested we watch Jingle All the Way. Now, I've never seen Jingle All the Way, so I just have to do a blind judgment just based on the title alone. I think Jingle All the Way is about a failed musician who tries to make his big break by writing a hit holiday song. Will he once again shit the sled, or will his jingle take him all the way to the bank?

Jingle all the way. Let's watch it. And now, jingle all the way in under 60 seconds. I'm going to make it. I'm going to make it. To Jamie's thing. I hate you, Dad. I didn't make it. Hey, Howard, I got this reindeer for my son. What are you going to get your son for Christmas? I want a Turbo Man with five different languages and detachable arms and wings. I bought mine two months ago. It's safely under the tree. Where's yours? I'm a good father. I will get you the doll. I'm disappointed in you. I'm your wife. Hey, I'm a mailman. What are you trying to get? I'm trying to get one of those Turbo Man dolls. Me too.

Uh-oh, we almost got it. No, we didn't. Sold out. Uh-oh, we almost got it. Sold out. No, we didn't. No, it's just a doll. It's just a doll. I don't want my kid to be a screw-up like you. I got a bomb in this box. Get out of here. Hey, you're Howard's wife. Let's make out.

Um, I love my husband very much. Oh, that didn't go right. Eggnog. Jamie, it's me in a trouble man suit. I'm here to redeem myself. Daddy. Dad, I love you. Those are bad special effects. Everything is fine, but I forgot to get something for you. My wife. Hey, Dan. Hey, what's going on, Renee? Thanks for coming in today. I know this, uh, you're not usually here for this. Just kidding. You're always here. I'm just usually never talking. Well, yeah. Yeah, I'm excited to have you on mic. And also we have Pete here. Hey. Hi. Hey, Pete. Hi. So we all watch Jingle All the Way. Separately. Oh, boy. Yeah, separately. So we all have our own thoughts about it. Yeah, I want to hear what you guys think about it first before I, I mean, you know.

that I like the film, but honestly, what is your thought about it, Renee? I liked it. I liked it because it reminded me of around the time that the movie came out. It was like the Tickle Me Elmo kind of time. I remember it was like 1995, right? 96. So yeah, I would have been at that right age that seeing Sinbad and Arnold Schwarzenegger on screen together would have been...

electric, mind-blowing. Pete, what do you think? It's okay. It's outdated. I know I saw it when it came out, and you're right. Sinbad's the one that did Kazam, right? No? No, that's Shaq. Sinbad did The First Kid. I knew that there's one or two movies that I watched with Sinbad when I was a little kid, so I loved Sinbad, and this was one of them. But I watch it now, and everything that happens in this movie is groan-worthy. Everything.

And that's part of the reason why I love this film is because it's just so... You're not looking at a Christmas film for Oscar-winning material. You're looking for a feel-good movie that's fun. And I thought that one of the things we can get into a little bit later that I like about this film is that it's about just marketing and just the materialism of Christmas. For sure. But in the film, there is no product placement. There is so much effort to not put product placement in this film. It's crazy how much time they must have done that to not have any... The only thing at the end with the parade, they had licensed characters in the parade.

You know, drinking milk or Turboman, like, Turboman, everything. And then, like, even when they were in the Santa Toy Factory, the little – I guess I was going to do it now. The little Santa Claus that gets punched and flies through the air, he hits a bunch of boxes of, like, little tykes things. But it's not little tykes. It's a complete different brand that's just created. Like, I paused it, and I'm like, oh, this is just – I think, what is it? It's called –

Wrote this down. For our listeners, Dan has four different pages of notes in front of him. This is the most prepared a guest has ever been for the show. They're called Playtime Kitchen from today's kids. And it looks like other things. And, like, even, like, the liquor that Sinbad drinks in the thing is old Homestead Liquor. And then he has a story about an old toy that Johnny Seven Omega didn't exist. Yeah, that's not real. That's funny. I never even thought about that. In the whole toy store. There's no. Yeah. Or they, like, tried it. They'll cut off half of a logo so you won't see the whole thing. But they, like, really tried not to. Which, I don't know. Maybe this is, like, 20 years old, this film. But, like.

And that's maybe what they did back then. And they don't really do so much anymore now. It's like if they'll show things, they don't care. If it came out now, there would definitely be a ton of product placement. And if it came out now, the movie would be two seconds long because now we have the internet. So he could be like, oh my god, I don't have a toy for my son, and just get on Amazon or eBay and just find it there and get it delivered. Oh, I had to pay $200. Over. It is interesting. I didn't even think about that. Yeah, that's one thing I noticed about the film that I really...

I would like to start with the very beginning of the film. Sure, Pete. The actual Turbo Man TV show was amazing. It was incredible. It was just Power Rangers. But also, this is such a stupid point to bring up, but the kid in Turbo Man, like the little boy in the Turbo Man TV show, looked exactly like the kid that raps in M. Night Shyamalan's new movie, The Visit. I thought it was the same kid, but I was like, wait, this is 20 years ago. It can't be the same kid anymore. I haven't seen that movie, so I don't know. Trust me, it looks like him. Google it. I'll Google it. That's something I was thinking about was the kid in the movie.

who was playing his son, Jamie, he was not a good actor. Anakin Skywalker? Oh, that's who he is. I was like, why does he look familiar? But he just delivered the lines like, I'm sad. I'm happy. Wow, that's my dad. It was just all the same. The whole time I thought, when I was watching this again, I was like, is this just his audition reel for episode one? Like, is this what they used? Because that came out three years later, I think, 99. Yeah. And I was like, oh man. And I was like, yeah, he wasn't.

That's about on par with what it was in the end. He was awful. He and Schwarzenegger both are horrible actors. The scene where he comes home to apologize to his son for missing the karate thing is the worst acting I've ever seen. It's awkward. The kid gets all excited because he's telling his dad that he wants Turbo Kid. And he delivers the whole commercial. And then at the end, he very quickly is like, battery time included, blah, blah, blah. And Arnold Schwarzenegger delivers the worst fake laugh I've ever seen. He's just like, oh, Jamie, okay. I'm like, this is painful.

I give credit to any film that puts Schwarzenegger in it that isn't an action film. And that's one of the things that you have to... Like Kindergarten Cop is another one. He's trying to be a real... It's different than if you put Vin Diesel in The Pacifier, where he's doing a tough thing, but he's a real tough guy. Because Schwarzenegger literally is this Mr. Universe guy who's clunky, and you have to just play. You can't ignore that. That's the thing that exists that he's there for, but you're trying to make him into a real thing. It's just his accent or however he delivers the lines.

Is that a bad acting or is that just him assimilating? I mean, it's impressive that he's had the career that he's had, that he's just a bodybuilder where English is his second language. Right. And he has these huge movies. Yeah. Yeah. And, like, I made some notes of, like, just how they had, like, had little things about playing with his, like, physicality throughout the film where, you know, it wasn't really used unless it had to be because it wasn't forgotten because it was there and he's there. But, like, the part where he picks up Chris Parnell, young Chris Parnell and whatever in the store.

and picks them both up and, like, drops them. Yeah. Then when he gets frustrated, he rips up the Turbo Man sign and is destroying, like, Legos and, like, he's chasing the ball and jumps on the piano and the piano goes... Yeah. Just like that. And, like, most notably, too...

And this is why I chose this film, is the scene. Oh, great. I don't know why. I don't know why this happened to be this way, but, like, the scene where he's running to the radio station, and he's dashed a dance, a prince, a bitch, and come and keep it on. But he says that. I don't know why, ever since I've seen this film my entire life, if I'm ever running towards something in my car or anything in the street or anything on the sidewalk, I think that in my head. In my head, I think. You think all the reindeer? Yeah, I don't know why. That's so funny. That's the reason why I chose this film, because, like, I was like, I don't know, there's so many good Christmas films, but, like, that, for some reason, is in my head when I'm running outside. That's hilarious. I also wanted to mention, when you're talking about the physicality, how funny it was whenever they're

workshop when everybody's in there and he's fighting everyone and then they bring this giant man and Arnold Schwarzenegger is huge and then they bring in, that guy must have done some kind of thing to make him look even bigger than he was. Giant. And Arnold Schwarzenegger is already giant. I didn't even think about that. That guy was bigger than Schwarzenegger. I made that note too. They did some sort of camera angle tricks. He's a wrestler. That guy was a big show. I don't know wrestlers. He's a big dude anyway. But yeah, they made him seem significantly bigger than Schwarzenegger because he's looking up at him. I noticed I was like, Schwarzenegger's huge. And you know what his threatening line was? That guy? I'm going to deck your halls, bub. Snaps and suspenders.

Jim Belushi's probably best role, I imagine. He was the Santa that brought him. Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. Yeah, that was funny. They had a lot of, like, SNL alum in the movie. I mean, they had Phil Hartman, they had Jim Belushi, they had Lorraine Newman was, like, a very small part. She was the first lady in the Turbo Man TV show. She was, like, the mother of the kid. Yeah, I recognized her and was like, oh, hey. But, yeah, Phil Hartman, that was...

So funny. I really liked him in that role, but I couldn't – I know he was supposed to be creepy, but I found it so endearing because I love Phil Hartman. I was like, he's just a sweet, lonely, like, semi-horny divorced dad. Like, he can't – Well, yeah, they were trying so hard to make you feel like he was creepy, but he's just kind of charming. The first note I have is, oh, Phil Hartman, he's so good at fingering ladies because they were at the karate thing and – These ladies are like, hey, can you come over and take a look at my sink? You're so good with your hands. It's so creepy, but he doesn't seem that creepy. No. He looks at Liz or whatever, and they're like, brother. What am I going to do? What am I supposed to do with all these women? Ladies love me. But I thought this was his last film. Small Soldiers is his technical last film. Oh, man. Yeah, right? I remember kind of Small Soldiers, but this was one of his last films. I love Phil Harmon.

as an actor and just like he did a ton of Simpsons stuff he did like a bunch of stuff I wrote down that he reminded me Ted the character Ted reminded me of Ned Flanders he's just like the annoying neighbor who is just really nice but you know they just He's like a slimy Ned Flanders. Yeah, exactly, yeah. Ned Flanders with, you know, testosterone troubles. With kind of like a hidden agenda kind of thing. I just watched this film a few weeks ago, Extract. Have you guys ever seen Extract? Oh, yeah. Yeah, I've seen that. It's good. Yeah, it's pretty good. Mike Judge. And he reminded me of Dave Kackner's character, the creepy neighbor. Oh, yeah. That's a movie you should watch, Renee. That's with Jason Bateman. I've heard of it. I've just never seen it, yeah. Yeah, it's a pretty good film. It's on, like, Amazon right now. But...

Ted kind of reminds us of a really creepy version of that kind of neighborhood character. It's the same exact character he played, David Koechner. He stops them when they're trying to back up in their car and won't stop talking to them. It's such a trope of the annoying neighbors. He's like, I just want to stop you real quick before you head out. Okay, bye. One more thing. One thing about this one, too, just briefly talking about the physicality, was they even finally, towards the end, mention it to when things go down. Ted or Phil Harmon says,

You can't bench press your way out of this one. So funny. Yeah, I loved the whole ending of the movie. That's something I'm still on the fence as to whether I've seen this movie when I was little or not because I remember the whole parade float. I don't remember anything before, but I remember seeing Sinbad in the brain hat and Arnold Schwarzenegger flying around in the air. But my thing with that was how did nobody immediately, when Howard opens his mouth and stops talking, how are they not like, that's my dad, that's my husband. He knows my name. Yeah, it's your dad. Yeah, he's the only one here who has an Austrian accent. That's your dad. Come on, kid. It was such a Superman.

syndrome thing to the thousandth degree where like oh Clark Kent has glasses on and Superman doesn't. This kid doesn't know that Turbo Man is his father with a thin yellow visor just covering his eyes and his thick mysterious accent that nobody else has. I noticed that in the TV show that those guys who played those characters in the TV show looked just like Sinbad. They had to make these characters for them and then cast people that looked kind of like I think so yeah definitely. It was too much of a perfect swap you know for Sinbad and them to be in the end of the film like that. Did you guys notice that Turbo Man's cereal just looks like very small pancakes?

No, I didn't see that. Go back and watch it. The cereal is flat discs. It looks like the cereal is like Nilla wafers or something. It was so bizarre. Well, if you want to... I stopped the film a couple times and noticed all these little attention to detail like that. In the Santa factory, for like a brief second, when he first enters, there are two Santas reading a magazine called Mischief Magazine. It's supposed to be a dirty magazine, and it's spelled M-Y, like Mischief with a Y. And they have the whole cover.

with like words and stuff on it and on the cover of that on the cover of that page is how to throw a sex fight is one of the things how to throw a sex fight how to throw a sex fight is what it says on the top of it does that mean so like just these name of the articles that are like you know on the front page how to throw a fight like to lose it I don't know like throw a party throw a sex fight well the next I don't know how to purposely lose a sex fight the next one is I don't know how to lose a sex fight. Does anybody lose in that situation? Yeah, right? I think so. Sex fight sounds not good. You're going to get hurt, emotionally or physically, or maybe both. The next one was how to get more protein from sex. Ugh. Ugh. I can imagine. I know how, but I don't want to talk about it. Cliff bars midway through. How to get more protein. You weren't getting enough protein. How weird to have in a kid's movie. This is a two-second clip. After that, there's four things. This new bedroom directory can help you with your sex problems.

This new bedroom directory can help you with your sex problems. A directory like? A list of beds that you've dealt with before. That's so strange. And the last one, which it's like kind of blurry. So I tried this one, a new book excerpt, Professor Nitree's College of Thrills. And I don't know if Nitree's just naughty or if there's like a psychological guy named Nitree. I don't know. But it was just, I was like, wait a minute. Because knowing that they purposely changed product placement and stuff like that, I was like, there's got to be something in here about this. So I freeze that.

And I was like, this would be a good thing to talk about. That's so funny. Yeah, they had a couple of adult jokes in there. Like, when Sinbad. When Sinbad, yeah. Yeah, whenever, like, the cops threw him on the ground, he starts yelling, Rodney King, Rodney King. I was like, oh, kids wouldn't know what that means. It just seemed inappropriate. He had a lot of, like, parts where he just mumbled things. And I wrote some of those down, too. Like, Rodney King was one of them. After he got done choking that lady when they were waiting. Yeah. Remember that? Yeah. Just, like, choking. And he's like, you shouldn't wear fur. Yeah. Just for me to make her whatever. And then, like.

There was, oh, when he, the first bomb didn't work. He was like, oh, I was under the impression it was like a zip plus four thing or something needs to tackle. And then, like, he's chasing after Jake Lloyd or whatever his name is. Jamie, going up to things like, have you ever seen Vertigo? Does that mean anything to you? He just kind of makes these references that only adults are going to hear, especially Vertigo. I feel like he must have improvised a lot of that. They're like, Sinbad, just do your thing. You're funny. And just let him say whatever he wanted. I have a list of all the jokes. Not all of them, but all the things that would definitely be considered distasteful at this point. So Sinbad chokes a lady while waiting in line. They then make a joke about somebody getting trampled to death on Black Friday. That's true. Because the guy that is in the store gets walked on. Yeah, that's happened. That's a joke. There's a bomb, which clearly is not going to be a movie these days. Sinbad yells, Rodney King, Rodney King.

they make a pedophile joke about Arnold Schwarzenegger when he's in the ball pit. In the ball pit, yeah. And they'll start hitting him. It's like, it's like Looney Tunes kind of stuff. Yeah. Because I can picture like Donald Duck, or you know, Daffy Duck doing that, and then people just hitting him. Right. That's the thing too, is like, people say whatever about this movie, is like, it wasn't like, because like a bomb went off, and it's just like, the guy's hair, like just the one guy in the middle holding the bomb, was like full, like whack hair, everybody just got like a smoke, he breathed out smoke, and then like.

passed out, but he was fine. Otherwise, like, it's that kind of movie. It's a slapstick kind of humor that was placed throughout. And, like, when he was in the ball pit, as soon as, like, the mom's, like, immediately, as soon as he went to go for it, every mom's hitting him with, there's a mom hitting him with a baguette, a wrapping paper roll, and, like, and just purses. But they're just, like, going at it. And it's very similar to when Booster falls off the float. And almost immediately, all the kids are, we hate you, Booster! Poor Booster. Yeah, I kind of felt bad from Booster. Oh, God, yeah. That was a lot of, like, cartoony stuff. But I think probably what you were talking about, Pete, is the reason why they just don't really show this movie on TV. There's, like, too much stuff that was, like, okay.

pay to do in the 90s that just wouldn't translate now. They wouldn't be able to show Sinbad choking a lady on TV or any of that stuff. Do they show this on TV? I imagine they might show it. Again, TV cut is a different cut. I'd be curious to see if they actually cut some of that stuff out. They still will show Blazing Saddles on TV. You have to cut all of it out. It's not even worth showing it. It's funny that you can't show R-rated.

or NC-17 movies, but you also can't show old comedies because it doesn't work anymore. It's just offensive now. Offensive or just outdated jokes that people are like, what? What does that even mean? I don't get it anymore. You know what's funny about, you know, the scene where he's running and saying the reindeer to the radio station? Yep. When they just show the radio station before Arnold Schwarzenegger gets there, somebody calls in, like, get it on the air. Name the eight reindeer. Randy, Tito, Jermaine. No. Not even close. This film had, like, those little moments where it's like, what? Hold on a minute. It's like little, like, comedy things. And I don't know if this is partly because of Christopher Columbus, who produced it.

Oh, yeah. He didn't direct it. The director of this film, I think I wrote down somewhere. Oh, dear. My whole book of notes. Nope, didn't, I guess. Oh, I'm sorry, up here. Yeah, director, Brian Levant or whatever, other things that he did were the Flintstones movie. Okay. And Beethoven. Those are some notable ones. Yeah, Beethoven. But also, more recently, if you guys heard about this, the Christmas Story 2. Oh, God. Oh, no. Of course. Straight to DVD, Christmas Story 2, which Brian Levant and Christopher Columbus kind of at this point have gotten a little towards the, because like Christopher Columbus, you know, he directed Harry Potter, Goonies, Home Alone, but then more recently, Pixels. Oh, yeah. So like these kind of like, you know,

gone a little too, I don't know. What were the reviews for this movie like when it came out? I remember, I think I briefly read something about, I don't think they were good. I think that Roger Ebert was like, meh. Can't you imagine? I'm just wondering, you mentioned Pixels. Do you think when this movie came out, adults looked at it as we kind of did with Pixels. God, it looks awful, but our kids are going to want to see it. Sinbad was pretty...

Cool back then. For adults, though? I don't know. Yeah, I mean, he was a popular comedian. I thought about it in the movie and was like, he's probably, at that time, like, 90s Sinbad is the equivalent to, like, our time Kevin Hart. Put Kevin Hart in that movie and people would, you know, have the same reaction to it. I guess we would take our kids to see a crappy Christmas movie of Kevin Hart as the mailman that's going to steal something. Yeah, right? But also, like, I think a big problem, I mean, besides whatever, with pixels is that the story just isn't anything. Like, there's just stupid potholes and everything throughout and it's just about the effects and stuff like that.

Dingle always had a story. And for the most part, it had, I mean, the performances, but the story was there. It's about the deadbeat dad and, you know, trying to make up to his kid and creepy. You know, there's a bunch of different things. Pete was kind of saying it's like the hangover where it's just like they're just trying to get to a goal and that's what's happening the whole time. He's just, it's all about just getting that to when he keeps like having like...

You know, one bad thing happened, then another bad thing happened, and it just kind of leads him all down to the path of eventually ending up dressing up as Servo Man in a parade, you know? And it's just a 90-minute Looney Tunes cartoon. Yeah, that too. It's supposed to have to feel good, like, fun, like, just kind of... And, like, I think that how they got him into that suit at the end wasn't, like, necessarily too much of a stretch. He just kind of was running away from that cop who he ran into every time. I thought that was funny. Barnaby Jones. You too, Barnaby Jones. Every time that he tried to actually get somewhere in the film, that cop was there. Are we supposed to be happy that he succeeded in the end?

Who? Arnold Schwarzenegger. Did he do anything redeeming in that whole movie other than the fact that he's driven by, like, loving his son? It's not even really that he loves his son. It's more like he wants his son to like him. Yeah. I think, I mean, that's the important part is just that he wanted acceptance from his son, and he got it. So, yeah. He broke the law. He ruined his neighbor's house. He blew up a building, or at least was part of it. He punched out a deer or a reindeer. And then we're supposed to be happy that he finally got the toy for his son that he should have bought a month ago. He's a deadbeat. Good for you. For you guys, what was the end of the film?

What happens in the end of the film? Just tell me, like, is it just the end of the film where he just says, I love you, and then all of a sudden it just fades into blank? Because there's a post-credit scene. Oh, I didn't see that. I didn't see that. Okay, the post-credit scene, and I realize it when I was watching it, it's him putting the star on the tree, and then, like, his wife is like, oh, he just makes me wonder all the stuff that you...

that you went through for our son? He's like, what? He's like, what just makes me wonder what you got me? And then like, oh, Rack focuses and just him just looking at the camera like, and then that's the end of it. I didn't know that. Yeah, that's kind of, yeah, that's a, I forgot the present for my wife, Liz. Which is like, at that point, come on, Schwarzenegger, come on. Yeah, it makes him look like an asshole all over again. Yeah, it's like, how did you forget? Like, you just forgot Christmas altogether?

You're my favorite customer. What was his job? He sold furniture or something. He was talking about mattresses and then a couch or something in the beginning. I love how they showed that he was good at his job because he told everybody, you're my favorite customer. I'm like, ooh, what a sly dog. He's a genius. Oh, boy. Well, this is holiday Christmas related, but it's not really related to the movie, but I'm curious to know. Since the theme of this movie is about a little boy being disappointed in a present, was there any sort of...

bad christmas present you got it could be from your parents it could be just from somebody else but just something that you're like oh that stinks i i have one you got one i have one i can start it off um so when i was little I really wanted those. It's like the Barbie Jeep, you know, that you can actually sit in and ride in and drive it around. And like my neighbor had it and I thought it was the best and I wanted one. And so I wrote to Santa that I wanted a Barbie Jeep thinking that Santa, quote unquote, would know what that meant. And I got a little toy Jeep, like Barbie Jeep Cherokee, and it was pink and it was for the Barbie to sit in. And I was really disappointed that I didn't get the full size one that I could ride in. But I also like.

didn't want to be mean to Santa. So I was like, oh, this is great. And I told my mom and dad years later, no, I wanted, that's not what I wanted. I was asking for the Jeep and they were just like, oh no, I'm so sorry. But I was polite about it at the time. I just really wanted one that I could ride in. That just reminded me of, I'm going to pull back to them real quick. It reminded me of that scene where they're sitting in the diner and he's got the Johnny Omega whatever story. And I just kept trying to think, what's the message of this film? Because Sinbad is like,

My dad didn't get me something. I ended up being a mailman. I was disappointed in him. Next door neighbor got what he wanted for Christmas and was the CEO of a billionaire and stuff like that. What are you trying to say? I know the idea is to get Schwarzenegger to feel bad, but I don't know. That's what I'm saying. The whole point of the movie seems to be like, get your kid what they want. Or they're not going to love you anymore. Or they're going to be a failure. I don't know. I can't remember specifically, and it might just pop up later, if there was a gift that I didn't get that I wanted.

or it was a gift that I got that wasn't what I wanted. But I know that for a while I wanted an N64 when there just wasn't an N64 for two or three years. I was just kind of like, are they hidden underneath? There's got to be something somewhere. And then the year that we finally got an N64, everybody just went crazy. It was nuts. You had to wait a little while and then it just became even better once you got it. Even my brother asked for sleds on Christmas. My favorite color is blue. His favorite color is orange.

And we came downstairs, and there were two giant, super nice sleds, one purple and one green. And both me and my brother were like... Who gets what? What is this? Is purple supposed to be like blue? And is green supposed to be like orange? Purple's close to blue, but green's nothing. These are Barney colors. Take it away. And I'm pretty sure my parents told me later, like a couple years later, that they did either have either blue or orange, but only one of them in the store. We can't get one of you the color you wanted and one of you. We have to disappoint you both equally. Two wrong colors. That's so funny. Neither of you get what you want, because one of you getting what you want is a nightmare. That's hilarious.

Let's see. What else? Yeah, it's your podcast. We can go on. I'm looking. I wrote literally four notes, Dan, so you have a whole sheet in front of you. Oh, you know what I was going to say? We're talking about how bad Arnold Schwarzenegger is as an actor, but he's still doing stuff. And they just recently put out a movie. I can't remember what it's called. It's like Sarah or something. Yeah, you know what I'm talking about. It's a movie where his daughter is a zombie, or she's turning into one, and it's completely serious and just depressing watching him deal with his...

daughter turning into a monster and he's trying to make the best of it. I really want to see it to see how he is because it's not an action movie. It's just him in a drama about a zombie. Yeah, and I hear that he does another film that doesn't rely on his physicality to beat up things or whatever. I'm really curious to see because he was the governor of California. He's got a little more life experience. Maybe he can pull from it. Maybe he can actually pretend to cry. The thing about Terminator that was so great, what a great role for him, is that he just...

had to be robotic and stoic and didn't have to show emotion at all. So it worked. This is something that just randomly came across the last few days. There was a deleted scene in Terminator 3 and it's like these guys popping in a tape from Cyberdyne or whatever the name is. Skynet. What's Cyberdyne? Cyberdyne is like the company that Skynet owned I think in like the first or second film or something like that. I've never seen any of them. That's something on my list. The point is like this film is kind of like a promotional video for the Terminators. It's kind of like we're going to use a building already in like Schwarzenegger's

Like, in it, like, running, and, like, this is the first time you'd see him. And then he turns to the camera, and he talks in this complete country accent. What? It's like, ah, my name is, and this is a Terminator project, or not Terminator project, we're going to bail a great thing right here, and, like, the people in the seats are like, I don't know about that accent. And they're like, we're going to have to change that. I'm like, we can change that. What? That is so funny. I'll have to show it to you guys, because it would have made Terminator 3 so much better, because, like, it's just, like, this, like, funny thing. He wasn't really in Terminator 3, right? He was 3, but not 4. 3 was his last one before the governor thing. 3 is right before the apocalypse happens.

Okay. I don't know why. I guess I'm just a Schwarzenegger fan. No, I've seen a lot of the Terminator movies. Yeah. Do you think she should watch the first one or the second one first? What? But the second one is so good. It is good. But don't you have to watch the first one to understand the second one? Kind of. I would watch the first one. First I have to find a guest who wants to watch Terminator with me. Oh man, good luck with that. Whoever's listening, if you want to watch the Terminator with me, message me. I'm sure there's somebody that would watch the Terminator.

Schwarzenegger, right? Another thing about... A lot of physical humor in this film, especially... One of my favorite moments is when Sinbad's running after Jamie during the parade before he gets up there. He's like...

The floats that are just like Christmas presents and ornaments. Yeah. Get out of my way, box. And he knocks a box out of it. He just falls down. And they show him just pushing boxes and stuff. I don't know why I left. But then there's like two concerned ornaments that come over to help. Oh, no. Box falls over there. It's like, jingle, jingle. You okay? Yeah. I did like the cartoony stuff. I think the ending. I mean, it's just hard to watch just because the special effects are really crappy now. Because they could have been so much better. But like whenever Arnold Schwarzenegger, like the jet pack is out of control. And he like goes way up into the air. And he gets really close to the camera. And then it stops and goes.

and starts falling back down to earth. Yeah, that's like a classic cartoon. It's such a classic cartoon thing. Or even more cartoon-y is when he hits a building head first and just stops and it's just shaking. Yeah, I was like, how is he not dead? He could have broken his neck. I thought he was going to go through the building, but then he just kind of slowed down and rested his head. They show other things that were happening around. They kind of explored a little bit of that world because he goes through someone's house that's just eating dinner. And then they're sitting down to pray and he goes, and he flies through. And then it just ends there.

Another thing, let's see, what was it? No, at the end, I have a note here. At the end of the film, when they lift up Arnold, I'm like, how many people did it take to lift up Arnold Schwarzenegger? He's a big guy. They carry him like, all right, yeah, he saved everybody. Eight people. I believe that. Remember when he gave the reindeer booze? I don't know. He poured beer. Yeah, that's one thing I remember. Before he goes and tries to save, you know, goes to the parade, he pours, like, the beer in the air. Oh, my God. I must have missed that. I was probably taking notes or something. He knocks out the reindeer, and then it, like, cuts away, and then it comes back, and he's just sitting on the back step with the reindeer, drinking.

He's like, Google reindeer, have some more. I've got something else to do. You know what I kept thinking was with the reindeer and everything that Ted, Ted I think is his name, Phil Harman's character, he must have done something really bad to have to compensate that much to his kid. His divorce must have been messy. If you would have gotten a reindeer for Christmas, I'm like, okay.

Yeah, what now? We're going to set him free? Yeah. Why? Yeah, what do you do with a reindeer? That was his thing. He even said, like, I'm going to give my kid a reindeer and then we're going to bring it to the park. It's like, what? But why? I got my eye on a family of reindeer over at the lake. Yeah. Okay, so you're going to, like, let your kid play with a reindeer for a day and then take it away? What? That's not how pets work. Is that, like, Ted was...

He was saying weird stuff, but Schwarzenegger was being so rude back to him. He'd be like, I have my eye on these reindeer. And he'd be like, oh, that sounds really cute, Dad. I'm like, whoa, chill out, buddy. Good for you. I don't care. There's a lot of underlying tension there. Something wants to happen. But also, he was on his roof setting up Christmas lights. On his roof, that was...

He's trying to nudge his way in there, putting the star on the Christmas tree. How dare you? Schwarzenegger wasn't offended enough at the right thing. Yeah. It's like him just kind of talking about the reindeer made him pissed. But when he came home to see Ted in his house, he's like, oh, I don't like it when Ted's in my house.

You're mixing up your reactions here, buddy. That's when you go in and punch him. There's some great jokes that they set up in this film, like naming the reindeer Ted. And so when Schwarzenegger calls Jamie, he's like, where's your mother? Oh, she's next door petting Ted. What? And then like, what is it? Someone makes the line, I just have written down, sweating like a dog in a Chinese restaurant. I think it's like, what is that? Oh, I get it now. Yeah, you get it now. I was like, oof, I don't know. A little off-color humor.

That's the 90s. I literally had a thought in my brain. I didn't get that joke when it came up, and I was thinking, you know, people will say you're sweating like a whore in church or something. Here. Well, let's just listen, okay? I heard the dog in the Chinese restaurant joke, and I was like, why?

Dogs have to beg forgiveness at a Chinese restaurant? They're not concerned. Chasing cars? Why is he sweating at a Chinese restaurant? We can cut this out. No, we're leaving it. I didn't get it. Another favorite Phil Hartman thing from the film is when Liz goes up to take a shower and he's like, I'm going to take care of the cookie. And he grabs the cookie and it's really hot. He just breaks character like, pipe down in there. That's when you actually see him be mean. Evil guy. It's like classic Phil Hartman. That's the real Ted why he has to get a reindeer for his son because he's abusive. And Ted's kid was recommending divorce.

yeah yeah your parents should get divorced it's the best you get lots of presents from it or whatever yeah so funny but like up until that point like in my mind I was like what did happen to Ted's wife and like immediately after I thought about it oh they said the line oh yeah we left him or I can't remember what specifically happened but like I like to think that Arnold and Ted's wife were like best friends and then she moved away and Arnold that's why Arnold hates Ted so much is because he took away like somebody he really liked he was on the wife's side and then she doesn't live there anymore and he's holding it over on Ted like you ruined this marriage Ted so I just hate you no matter what you do that's probably they probably didn't even think about it that much but I'm putting context into it because it helps me I mean who knows like there's a couple lines I have written down here from the Santa fight This is such a ridiculous film. I look at the lines I wrote down from the midget Santa fight. Jim Belushi, I think, says something about, or maybe Schwarzenegger says it, or someone says it, that they're all, like, terrorists at a tea party or something. Yeah. What is that? I don't know. And then, like, when the cops come, it's the Grinch, scatter! Do not drop the Christmas bid at all. Were they doing anything illegal there? I think they're just, are those supposed to be stolen toys or something? I think so, yeah. To scam, like, toys that they're selling. Yeah.

The bilingual triple man that felt partisan as he opened it. It's funny that he pretended to be the detective. Oh, yeah, that was clever. Yeah, that was very clever. I liked that. And he just, off the top of his head, was like...

I've been working undercover for three years on this operation and you just come in and blow it and just says all the things that it detects. He's like, get it together and arrest somebody. And as he's walking out of the building, he's like, good job, put him in the van. Lock him up, I'm going. But if that was anybody but Schwarzenegger, would it have worked? If it was like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, wouldn't it? Yes. It still would have worked that bit? You'd have to find someone nerdier than Joseph Gordon-Levitt. Someone not as big as him. Just like they wouldn't question the biggest guy in the room, I guess. I mean, he just looks like a cop. He just looks like a cop.

Jamie's drawing of him. What six or seven-year-old can draw that well? That was my big problem with the movie. He's drawing pictures of his dad and mom and it's like, I can't draw that well, so how do I believe that this kid drew all these things? That's why he's such a bad actor. He uses all his brain power on his heart. They kind of make an Indiana Jones reference in that too. When the Santa comes out with these nunchucks and he just kind of flips around and he does all these crazy things and he just goes and punches him. I kind of thought of Indiana Jones. I love that.

What else you got, Dave? You're running dry here. I got some waiting on you. The weatherman's name, I noticed. The weatherman in the... Todd Popley? It wasn't... But it was like a grand storm. His name was Gale Forrest. Oh, yeah. Gale Forrest. Gale Forrest. Like wind? Like a gal? Yeah. I was like, that's like... We try to make that up. There you go. And then, like, Jake and whoever... Or Jake. Jamie and whoever Ted's son was...

They're like, oh, look at all these characters. Cat in the hat. And they give a high five to each other. That pissed me off. There were a lot of cool characters in that parade. Sonic was in there. A lot of characters. And they go, cat in the hat. You're too old. How can that be what you're most excited about in this parade of characters? And they high five to that. Here's my other issue with the parade is that.

Okay, so they said, oh, there's, like, Owen and his dad or whatever. And the mom is like, I'll just stay in the car with Ted. And you guys just walk through a parade full of strangers to go meet these people. And then you don't see them with a parent and a kid. Right, yeah. Where's Owen? What's Owen doing? Why didn't she just get out of the car and say, oh, Ted, you can park the car and come meet us? What the fuck? Those kids don't even have iPhones. How do you keep track of them? Right. That was the 90s, though. I walked home by myself all the time. That's true. My parents never would have let that happen. Hey, can we go meet our friends? No. No. We'll get abducted. One of the floats was a police float. And that's where Sinbad ends up.

Briefly, you see the police float. It's just like police waving. And then there's a police on a trampoline on the float. Yeah, I saw that. Hey, please. It was a pretty sweet parade. The floats were awesome. Yeah, they did a pretty good job with the parade night. I just feel like we don't really have Christmas parades. Maybe wherever they were. I forgot what town they were in. Minnesota, actually. Minnesota, that's what it was. Chicago has a parade when they first turn on the lights downtown. But I don't think there's really floats right there. But that was Christmas Eve and they had a parade going. It's kind of like the Christmas Day Macy's parade, I imagine, right? That's Thanksgiving. They don't do one on Christmas Day? I don't know. I know they do Thanksgiving.

I feel like they have Santa in the Thanksgiving parade, though. Yeah, they do. That's probably why. I mean, I get it. Like, for the storyline, yeah, you want to have a big parade, but who has a parade on Christmas Eve? I was trying to figure out. It's Minnesota. Well, the thing is, they didn't really overtly say it was Minnesota. They didn't, like, put the Mall of America that they were in. Yeah. I think we all could tell it was Minnesota, Dan. Okay? We're pretty savvy movie watchers. It was Minnesota. I know geography. All right. Well, fine. I guess so. So, fuck that. Give me all these notes. Just kidding. Just kidding. Sorry. Sorry.

Those are the goofs, all right? You can take the goofs. I got the trivia. Jesus, it's a whole other episode. Goofs aren't as fun to talk about it as the trivia might be. But there's one other thing. I thought that the Turbo Man explanation in the beginning where Arnold's like, all right, tell me what you really want. And then he does that whole thing. Very similar to the Christmas story. What do you want? I want a Red Red Bee. Yeah, yeah. That kind of thing. Also, Jamie's bedroom. Yeah. Giant Captain America mural on a wall. Yeah. It's such a cool room. Superheroes. He's just like, I don't know. That's the room that I would love to have as a kid. Oh, yeah.

Who did all that for him? If his dad did it, then he should stop fucking complaining. Actually, Jamie drew all of them. Those aren't posters, those are sketches. Oh, that's good stuff. And then I guess, I mean, the last thing of my notes that I wrote down was Christopher Columbus produced this, and I don't know if it's still the name of his production company, but 1492 Productions. What is that about? 1492 Columbus Sail in the Ocean. Oh! Wait, I'm going to do Arnold's Big Laugh. Oh, Dan. Yeah, and I was like, that's kind of, I mean, whatever, if your name's Christopher Columbus, sure.

Might as well. Does he keep making movies and naming them things the wrong thing, but insisting that's what it actually is? Like Indians? Is that the wrong person? No, that's the right person. I see what you're saying. History. History.

Here's a fun fact. Oh, Jamie. I'll get it for you. I love you. Christopher Columbus wanted Joe Pesci to play Myron. Oh, interesting. Myron, Sinbad's character. Can you imagine Joe Pesci doing that? But he was too short next to Schwartz. Oh, I was going to say he's too mean. I mean, that would have been a good... I imagine they put Pesci in there and probably give him the gold, too. Yeah. I would. I'm a totally character for more. Yeah.

Just try to see him choke somebody. Yeah, that'd be a totally different movie if it was Joe Pesci. But I might like it. All the stuff he does would be even more creepy. Yeah. Choking a lady, reaching up really high to choke a lady. Yeah, well, because you're supposed to like Sinbad at the end of the movie. You know, he's not like the bad guy of the movie, really. He just didn't get the toy. He just didn't get the toy. He's trying to please his son just like Arnold Schwarzenegger's. He's busy because he's a mailman. Yeah. That's hard for him. But he's a bad mailman. He was dropping mail all over the latest in the whole movie. Yeah. Yeah. I don't know. Did you run out?

I got one more thing. Better be good. You saved it for last. Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. I mean, it's all over the place. In the radio station, right before the cops come, you could tell it was like an audio thing they put, like, right before Schwarzenegger punches Martin Mull, the radio. Yeah, yeah, yeah. Right before he punches him, like, the cops come in, they're like, oh, no, we gotta go. But, like, he's doing that. Sinbad is like this. He's, like, holding his fingers out like a gun and, like, pointing it at Martin Mull. Just, like, like this. And, like, no one would realize it. Just, like, a second. How would you follow through with that? If you have your fingers like a gun, would you go, pew, pew? Or would you, like, slap the guy with two fingers? Yeah. Just stab him really hard in the head. Poke.

And then, like, when Myron's got the bomb and the cops are surrounding him, like, the closest cop to Myron is within arm's reach. Like, he's putting his gun down and it's, like, right next to... next to him like that cop could just take the bomb or could do something here I'll take that problem solved I don't know if that's really protocol is that if somebody's threatening you with a bomb if you can reach it just snatch it up something if you're like right here and he's like I got a bomb alright I'll put down my gun just take it or like you seem too close to grab an active bomb because it'll blow up what do I know I'm not a cop life's too short to have fake bomb scares I don't know what I'm talking about Hey, guys. It's the post-Headman world. You're bad at... I'm bad at movies. This has been really fun, though. Yeah. I'm really glad we got to revisit this classic Christmas movie. It's just one of my... Like that film, Christmas Vacation. Christmas Story, I'll watch, but that's not one I want to watch. For some reason, there's not a lot of Christmas action. Well, I mean, Die Hard. But this film, I don't know. It was just a different thing completely. Like I said, the running in the street thing. I don't know why it stuck with me. If you see me running in the street, I'm thinking... That's what you're thinking. Now I know all the reindeer because of that.

So hopefully I win the contest. Oh, fun fact. There is a Toy Story. Toy Story. There is a Jingle All the Way 2. I don't know anything about it except for it stars Larry the Cable Guy. And the official trailer is 30 seconds long. And you can't find, like, straight to DVD. No, thank you. And it looks like, I'm not even going to. But WWE Pictures produces it. So it's not even like anybody from this one is. Okay. And the trailer is just 30 seconds of him plugging in lights at a trailer park. And, like.

Kind of like Christmas Vacation where it's like, ah, and then he plugs in the other thing and just electrocute it and flies back. And then I guess there's another kind of same, like there's a stuffed bear that a girl wants. So he's running around like, but like part of this, not to say that that would ever work, but if Larry the Cable Guy were even in Jingle All the Way One, it wouldn't have worked. It only works because Schwarzenegger's this big fucking... bulky dude weird dude and just you know trying to get through his life I guess what if the whole plot of the movie was he lives in a rural area so it just takes him 90 minutes to get to the toy store oh so it's just him and his car and like things happen to his car driving an old jalopy truck that has his voice like Mater from Cars that's funny you're funny I want to see Larry the Cable Guy drive Mater that seems a black hole will open yeah that seems like bad things would happen just right off the bat can you get inside the Cars from Cars I don't know, Pete. That's a sex fight. Nothing. On that note. Here we go. All right, Dan, you're doing so much these days. Plug as much as you want, please. Go ahead. Well, this is a great web series that you guys might know of called WTM. Never heard of it. Yeah. That's, when is this going to be out? December? December. So, yeah, we'll have episode 10 by then. Yeah. So episode 10, there's 12 episodes of that and maybe even episode 11 by then. You know, we have a lot of that done and I can promote that. It's on the IO Comedy Network, but eventually it's going to be.

on Second Wind Collective, which is a great site that everybody has podcasts on. Three out of four people in this room have podcasts on this. That's true. Pete hasn't made his candy one yet. I contribute. Pete does plenty. I know this is Renee's podcast. That's what they are. Used to be bad at movies with Renee, now Pete's slowly taking over. Yeah, that's the way I like it. I like having a co-host. It helps. She likes it when I slowly take over.

I think I read that in Mischief Magazine. He made a face when you said that. Yeah, so yeah, so I can look like to check it out. That's what I'm working on, and I'll do improv at some point somewhere. Just keep your eye out for Dan. I might be around, yeah. He's doing a lot these days. Pete. What? You want to vlog something? Yeah. What's up? Small town doctor. What's up? Oh, right. What's up, Pete? Ask me again.

Pete, do you want to plug something? Yeah. My improv team, Polar Pig, is going to have at least a six-week run of a variety slash open mic show at IO called Sup. Show up and play with Polar Pig. So it's just sup, not su-up? Why would it be su-up? It's S-U-P. And there's a little tiny and between the U and the P. Sup. S-U-N-P. Su-N-P. Su-N-P. That was just a really confusing plug for everyone. It's called sup. Google IO and sup.

You'll find it. Oh, that's going to be fun. Well, it is fun since it's already started. Yeah. We just had our first show and it went great. That one thing that Dave did. Oh, my God. He was very physical. Oh, my God. That's pretty funny. And then Jake was tall. Classic Jake. Jake. You know, you can't have a show without Jake doing that. I know. Go ahead and like Bad It Movies on Facebook. And like Piener on Facebook. Piener's trying to get out there a lot more, me and Pete. So we'd like to get some shows going and just some more people following us at this point. Yes. We're new. We're new to the scene. So give us a shout out.

Dan, I think you're going to know our guest pretty well. They're your parents. They want to talk to you about your favorite movie. Come on in, guys. Get out of your chair. I'm sorry. I'll give out my chair. Hello. Hello, Daniel. Hey, Mom.

Ow! I hit my knee on the table. Are we going to the hospital after this? Are we going to the hospital after this? He'll be fine. I'm fine. Are you in trouble, Dan? Did you hurt yourself? No, I was on the podcast today. I actually did something. Oh, my goodness. I actually did something. That's a first. He made us watch this movie, too. Oh, dear. Jingle all the way. Do you need to tell us something, Daniel? Are you disappointed in your father for some reason? For something he did to you? You guys waited too long to give me the 964. You know what Christmas is about.

If it's about family, you guys have not proved that to me. Excuse you. What do you value more? A home or an Italian plumber? I think the answer is clear. I think so too. Do you know what I did for you? He hasn't even told you. You don't even know, Daniel. We didn't even tell you because you thought Santa did all this fancy stuff for you. You don't even know the trouble your father went through to get you that N64. I killed a man.

Oh, is that why he was away for a year? Yes. While you were out playing, jumping down pipes and riding on little lizard dinosaurs. I bought the N64 the year you asked for it, but I had to put it in a manila envelope at the jail when I was caught, and I got it back when I left the jail. I got my watch, my wallet, and your wrapped N64. So I'm sorry it took so long for you to get it, but I had to pay my dues. Merry Christmas, you little Grinch boy.

I'm sorry, guys. What more can I do for you? How did you guys like the movie? It was awful. I hated it. It was one of the worst Christmas movies I've ever seen. I hated it. It just reminded me of our stupid, perverted neighbor, Ned. Ned. You remember Ned. Ned Donglin. Ned Donglin. What an appropriate name. He would just...

He wanted this. Whenever you were away in the clink for a year, he just would not stop knocking on the door and saying, Is there anything I can do to help you, Ava? Ooh, you look tense. Let me massage your shoulders, Ava. You never picked up on this, Daniel? You never picked up on the fact that our neighbor was trying to devastate our family? Yeah, Uncle Ned. She shut the door and told me not to go in the room.

What door? What door? A front door. When I was telling him to get out. You closed the front door and you told him not to go in as if the outdoors was inside? Yes. What? Something doesn't check out with his story. Oh, dear. I give the movie five bells out of hand. We're not ready to review the movie. I gotta go. This is not happening to me. What are you telling me about Ned Donglin? I was lonely, Morty. It was only a year. I was lonely. I fought a war for longer than a year. What happened while I was fighting for America? I got Ned Donglin's dong in me.

I'm sorry. It was just one time, and I hated it. He was really bad at it, and you're so great, Morty. It was not like making love. It was more like a sex fight, and he punched me. Then why did it happen again? Again? You said it only happened one time while I fought in the war. Then what happened when you closed the door on Daniel while I was in jail? That was retaliation. For the harm he caused me while you were gone.

It makes me happy to see you guys fight. Why would you possibly say that? That's a sick thing to say, Daniel. You're on the naughty list, Daniel. I already was. You guys hate me. What? What makes you think we hate you? I drive you everywhere. You do nothing but yell at me and make me feel bad for the life decisions that I've made. I don't got a girlfriend. I don't have... Daniel, we don't hate you. We just want you to do what's best for us. We want you to be able to take care of us one day. We're looking out for ourselves. Is that selfish? I will be. Let me tell you what I think. I think that you are just a little misguided and you're so used to having...

Fancy things. And you don't even think about what got those things to you in the first place and how much we had to sacrifice in order to give you a good life. And now it's come to the point in the life where we think you should be able to give us thanks and you still haven't thanked us for anything yet. Well, thank you. You're welcome. Was that so hard? No. I think everything's resolved. I think five out of ten bells. Five out of ten? That's a rough score. You didn't like it? No, I said I didn't like it. It reminded me of dark times and troubles in our marriage. I didn't get hurt either.

I mean, I give it 8 out of 10 bells. Based on what? Am I not allowed to use the bell system? You're allowed to use it. I'm saying, why is it 8 out of 10? Oh, the slapstick comedy. Phil Hartman. I like his character. I've already kind of just explained it. Well, you can't just say a movie's good because you like one of the actors in it. The slapstick comedy. The editing. The pacing. Merry Christmas, Daniel. We got you a gift. We brought you a present. You may unwrap it now. What is this? Go ahead. It's an N64. We didn't have to kill anyone for this one. It was actually pretty cheap because it's old. But I thought...

Thought it might mean something to you. Yeah, it does. Thank you. We love you very much, Daniel. You guys. I don't want you to break up. We're old now. The divorce would kill me. Come on, Daniel.