Hello I am Paul Ganon and this is Eli Silverman. Lovely to be here. Lovely to be here too on this very special occasion. It's a very special day.
Very special day. Patrick should just get the audience a little bit of a rundown. It's so special. Here we are in Islington London at the Bill.
And we're outside the Bill Murray pub. Yes, we're outside the comedy venue. The Bill Murray pub in London for the very special 100 episode of Cheap Show. And what is the weather like?
It's quite drizzly. As we stand here waiting for everyone to arrive, the rain is coming down. It's a bit of a grey day, but that won't stop the spirits of the plucky team putting on the comedy show today. Oh, hey won't mind that.
That will not be all. Well, hi, Jake there. All head a bit as they walk into the venue. A nice call, and professional comedians have told me, John, Paul, they told me, they like it because it gives them a bit of a slick.
And evaporate, it calls their full head. And it calls just like a computer that needs cooling. A comedian's brain acts very much like a processor. And if the slick wet moisture from the air collects and droplets on there, rivulated, and evaporates as they walk into the venue.
It calls them down. It's quicker. I'm not the first to argue that the trees are turning up the venue. And here she is, magnificent.
She's striding along, looking at her, like a gazelle. Who is it? It's your mum. Right.
And now, here he is, a host and creator of Digitiser himself, Paul Rose, aka Mr Biffle. He turns up at the Bill Murray pub, waving to the crowd. This is the delightful, he's got a cheeky wing. And look, he has some things in a sack there that should be squirming around.
That's interesting. Let's see what happens with that swirty bag later. Oh, there's someone else here, Paul! Who is it?
Well, I do believe this is internet sensation himself, star of the film, Ashes and the Game Child, as well as his own channel, Ashes and the comedy weekly channel he does with Barry Lewis-Bartons, which of course you would appear on. It's only Stuart Ashen himself here with more tat, and he's looking very sharp today in a lovely, lovely suit. Very smart. It's enough to make me want to just take my trousers down right here, just jack into the gutter like a fucking tram.
And yes, no, now finally, our last guest, sometimes co-host Ash Frith is here. He's the fair weather host of this show. He's looking a bit sad and down on the dumps. He looks a little bit down, and he looks a little tired and haggard.
He's, I can only imagine, you know, he's had hard times lately. And here he is, Ash Frith, arriving at the venue, and he's, he's, he's got a very feminine gate. He's walking with quite the strut today. Yes.
And yes, and yes, his clothes show the tagred, torn, filthy, desperate for work Ash Frith. And yes, he's got a lot of spunk to him, as he joins into the venue. He's spunky as old nails in a pot, as my mother used to say. He's got corduroys, like a man who's lost his apricots, as my mother used to say.
She said that to me every day. Every day of my life, she said, she said, Eli, you're a man whose eyes are like butterflies in a glass case with a bottle of beer placed on it and a lovely little mark left. She used to say that to me every day, Paul. She used to say, son, when you go up, you should be the kind of man who breaks a hat with a turkey and then truffles and so.
So the audience and I will enter the building. Oh, we're the fat audience. Hey, are they? Sure.
Sorry. So the audience are now calming, calming. They're calming. Have you calmed it, calm me down.
They're all in it now. Entering, they look excited. They look eager. Very lucky.
They know and a magnificent show is about to begin. It's cheap show celebrates its 100th episode today. Yes, let's go in and join them for the show. I think it's just about to come out.
Yes, I do believe the music's coming off. The lights are going down and we hope you enjoy the show. Please do enjoy the show. Thank you.
Thank you. No. No. You shut up.
Fuck off. I'm not rake. Come on. I'm fucking raking.
I'm not raking. You should not have to touch me all the time. You should not have to touch me. You cannot touch me.
Listen. Fuck off. I think it's coming out. It's coming out.
Me to kiss you on the winky. No, you do not kiss my nifty winky. You can sniff half the winky. Good.
That's it. I'm ready to go. They are going to be shaking fucking here. They're going to throw them.
Ladies and gentlemen here. You are at Cheap Show Life. We're Paul Ganon's in it too. It's a wonderful episode.
Let's go cockabunkers crazy. And here's the thing tune. Hey, you and your fucking mood repotty. It's a cheap show.
I'm going on Nersal. Hell, just give you a minute to get your breath back there. It's Cheap Show 100. Hey!
Come on, just arms. You're right. Yeah. That's all right.
They can hear us. How are you? All right. Good.
So, this is amazing. It's all about the episode. And it's live from the Bill Murray Pub in London. I am Paul Ganon.
This is E. It's the economy comedy podcast for your ears, not you. You close your ears now. I'm out of breath for my fucking...
Yeah, Paul. Two things, yeah? That's a quick smoking or cut down. Also, you always do this.
Whenever you've got a live show, you open it yourself. And then you half die. Well, it's carry on. I'll just do it.
Yeah, you do that. So, Paul's... Bit of a bit between his and me. I can turn it down.
I'll flip it. You can actually relieve medical... I've got mine halo, but it's in that bag. Fuck it.
It's fine. I think the press will get wanker down on stage doing shit below podcast. Yeah. Only he had his asthma inhaler said Eli, a cunt.
So, oh, we got some hoo hoo, who reckons they're the furthest to travel for this show? I know what the answer is. Hello, stand up, you now. In ancient shock, Shana.
Shana. Shana. I thought it was Shana, I liked twain. How you doing?
I'm terrified. Why? How you enjoying London? I'm about to be terrified.
Overall feeling is terrifying, then. Were you in safe hands here? Do you want a message to get to everyone? She's not going, Paul.
She's in and out. Fuck, Sam. Oh, you came all this way for me to say, say you've got to go in. Thank you so much for coming here today.
I got a little present for you later. That sounds good. No, no, that sounds fine. That's fine.
I care about it. I care about it. That sounds good. I know what that does sound fucking touch.
So... Yeah. Oh, hold on. Very ill.
You really do. Come on. And then we've got a... what to face?
Brianna. Brianna. Brianna. Hello, Brianna.
Hello. I'm going to do a little bit of a shit. He's sweating. I'm sweating.
Do you want to do a tummy kiss? No, I do not want to do a tummy kiss. Honestly. We always do a tummy kiss before a show.
And you won't do one out on our special 100th episode. Do it. See? Give the what they want.
Tell me kiss. Tell me kiss. Tell me kiss. Give the tuck it.
I'm doing that stand up thing. Don't do it. I know this. I'm just going to do this with the microphone.
No, don't jack the mic. Jack it. Oh. Anyone else can further away than New York.
New York. I'm Jimmy Biscuits from New York. Get out of the way now. Right?
Top of the show. How you doing? I'm a New York and Fron the Bracks. That's a proper place, isn't it?
I go to the Bracks all the time too. Because I go to Queens. Jimmy. Jimmy.
What's your favourite like Deli style New York sandwich? Well, I like the pust-wah. I like gritts. You like gritts in the sandwich.
You like gritts in the sandwich. You like gritts in the sandwich. I'm Jimmy Biscuits. I do what I want.
Well, I'm not buying it. So yeah. I'm like a pig. Yes, yes.
That's good. That's good to know. So anyone else can play with a New York or some small island off, North of Scotland? To the Orkney's room.
No, I'm Sky. I'm Sky. I like Sky too. Mr Chope.
I've got him. Fucking hell. So look. Do the bit where you try to humiliate me, you know?
No. That's quite literally below the bell, actually. Right, here's what we have a little while. Me and Eli, as we are, want to describe ourselves a particular way.
Can I describe, will you describe me? Yeah. Yeah. What are you parting shots?
I'm parting thoughts. You don't give a first one. Right, so a lot of people think they know about Paul, but a lot of people don't know that he actually spent several years as the world's premium... ...seller.
What happens when you don't prepare a second? I'll fucking care. I'll make it! I'll make it!
I'll give it out what? I'm a fucking genius! Oh! Oh!
You don't know! You don't know! There's going to be no a ring for Eli in this fucking show. And I'll have you, Michael, I did prepare this.
I just forgot. If she's better. I'll interest. When is the only little special you've been playing?
I've been playing... Well, you're too late. Because of your lack of confidence in me on the Noodle Special, it's been sold to the ABC network in America, okay? And it's a full show.
But it's not fair enough. And I get to, like, you know, I've got some this sort of pan con piece. Con both things, I mean. Pan con piece.
That's very con pieces. Across time and space the pan piece. It's a multi-dimensional con piece, yeah. So, what a lot of people don't know about Paul is that he was the world's premier, seller of Monkey Gland, Monkey Gland Extract products.
And he had a whole Monkey farm down, you know, Guatemala. Not a good place, not a good place. And the other thing I don't know is that this is true as well Paul. You have extra orifices which are quilted with ermine fur.
Yeah, that's true. I thought that was all right. I'll show you how it's done. Wait, sorry, is that it?
Yeah. That's your intro to me. Yeah. Monkey Gland farmer, ermine, extra orifice.
Well, come on, bring it out, whatever it is, yeet a dwarf. Oh, the fucking little dwarf, what a little dwarf can't hear you. Eli. You thought you were here to take a new cheap joke.
But unfortunately you're not. Of course. Eli Silver, this is your life. Hello there, I am the man who did that show, this is your life.
What's the name? David I brought here Dilly Dilly. Hello there. And this is Eli Silverman, this is your life.
Oh God. Right. Oh, ladies and gentlemen, born in 1957, I'm going to do that. Born in 1957, Eli was found under a mushroom.
People expected him to be a dead papa smurf. They were wrong. First words were, cabara, chenna. But it was at the age of ten that Eli found his true calling, wanking in a shed to pornography, which he did do.
But we have a few messages from around the world. Your sister Emma and Jennifer got in touch with me. Oh, yeah. A few stories.
So they just wanted me to clarify. They said they couldn't be here today. Emma and Jen did send me an email with a few things. So one, here's an interesting fact for you.
Eli, how did you do that? Eli had a weird habit when he was young. According to Jen and Emma, he said he had a snot jar. They also got to say he modeled figurines from these bogeys.
So that's just what they say. It's fucking untrue. Jenny's been peddling this prank for years. They said...
I might have once had a little shelf with dry bogeys on it. Like any normal five-year-old. Or they wanted to be a confessional exclamation because they definitely didn't do it. Well, there you go.
It's a lie. I had no snot jar. I had a thing called... My own...
Listen. I had this thing called FOMO, where I would take... Well, there's this copy of a photo copy paper. It used to come with a backing paper, which was a pink plastic thing.
I'm looking at Stuart's like, he knows about it. Right. And I used to put a felt tip on that and then get wet cotton wool. Rub it on that so the colour went into the cotton wool.
Then I put it in a jar, and then I'd screw the lid on it and make a little label. And it'd be like FOMO 1 or something. So... Next story.
So that's not a bogey jar. It's an art project. I'm pre-dating David Hurst by fucking 20 years. You can do snot.
You can do snot. I've got the chalk. I've got the chalk. And a spank jar.
That's the real. That's the real. Next story for Emma and Gem. Your sisters.
Skateboard bad boy is the next story. As a function statement, I keep up with the trends of the 80s. Eli cut the arms off a sweatshirt and used to have this like... That's true.
Yeah. Rocket rolls. That's really hip-hop man. Yeah.
Well, now look. When on vacation in Florida, they all decided to go to the beach. Eli went to get changed. He chose very short black and shiny running shorts and a black vest.
However, he was forced to change from this because his penis, moose, look, was on the show. Eli did not see an issue with this outfit. Was your local one show? I can't even remember that at all.
Yeah. Probably for the best. My favourite story. Do you want the game of hide and seek?
Eli, he had for so long, he didn't want to lose. He chose to shits himself instead of getting found. Again. You have had occasion.
Absolute lies. They also sent a few other things as well. Oh, no. Oh.
So, here's Eli. How old were you in this picture Eli? Oh. Yeah.
Ah. Adorableable. Does he look like I've shot myself there? Yeah.
This one. Oh, let me just go on the website. The cheap stuff. I can't say this.
Next one. Oh, that's outside down, Paul. Is my sister's wedding? No.
Sexy boy. Sexy boy. Look, you're in all dapper. Look at that.
My favourite one. Your Lucy, man. My favourite one. Captain handsome face.
Oh, sexy boy. Sexy boy. Look at you. You've got a problem.
I've got a frot on in that picture. I do not have a frot on. Oh, that is disturbing actually. Oh, I've shot only for him.
Oh, God. And there he goes. Fuck. Is this a bit over now, Paul?
No, we've now got some audience testimonials. Do you remember this voice? Hello Eli. Who's that?
Do you remember that name for your professional past? No. Oh. Who is it there, Mr.y Voice?
It's Mr. Biffle. Your special friend. Hello.
Sandal can tell us a lovely story about Eli. I've written it down, but I can't find it. I was the only one out of three of us. Thank you very much.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I'm not sure.
I'm not sure. I'm not sure. I was the only one out of three of us. Thank you very much.
I actually wrote something. They're going to wing it. Okay. In short, I'll just have a quick summer round.
I'll throw you on to it on with his infrared. Yeah. Tell me about it. It was a story about how Eli lived in the walls.
My camera balls in my extension. And he knows his whole thing in the story about how he landed like Lon made here. And when we smashed through to the camera balls, he sort of lifted up his front. Yeah.
And then he ballooned things there. We were here. His sexual organs. And he was in the camera ball.
And he was laying his legs. and the man from the council came out and said, what you've got here is a time of hominid, or a homo silverman. And that's the place to be here. Thank you.
We have one more voice outside. Who is this on mystery guest? Joe. Do you recognise that voice?
Yes. Joe. Joe, would you like to come on and tell a story? Joseph Wilson's friend, I suppose it's that.comic.
Ladies and gentlemen, Joseph Wilson. Thank you. Sara's like fucking trained cubs. Hi.
Now, I've been like for many years. Take a seat, Joker. All right, I'd like to take a seat. Now, for many years, at the other pub, we don't fucking know.
It's got to be behind you. Right. We always get fucked up after the show, right, over across the road. And then we'd always have a lot of lower laughs.
And then we'd be drunk. And I once, when Eli was taking a wee, I once took a picture of his arm. Now. Now.
No. Shh. Good. Good.
Good. Good. Good. Now.
Good job. Now. Now. Now.
I'm leaving now. So for years, Eli would always, I'd wind him up. But you know, it's not like a photo, right? And he'd be like, hey, look, look, look.
Right? And by the way, I first realized impression. But now Paul has a different way of doing it. So anyway, not that I'm better.
But for years, ladies and gentlemen, we can now reveal. Thank you. Nice. This is actually, I think it's only fair to say, you always are, oh, have you got it?
Have you got it? Fuck off after seven years of keeping our iPhone. Eli's still going to show me that. Oh, no.
You can now go, Joe. I thought that looked right. Tiding, isn't it? Paul?
I'll keep with this. Yeah. But Googly Eyes on it and call it Derek. Very nice.
Thanks for that. That's the show. Bye. No, it's time to start the show proper.
Hey. Right. I didn't know. What?
I'm here. What's going to go on the show for this? What have you got coming up on the show today for? I've got it.
Show one. Show two. Always tales from their dance floor. Shot floor.
Back. So as people who listen to the podcast know, and are aware people email stories about their time working in a shop could be a charity shop, and necessarily have to be. Mostly there's stories about shit, which is fine. But Christ, in my inbox, it's like, this story's about shit, this story's about shit and this story's about shit, this story's about shit, this and this shit in an Atlanta mouth.
I'll save up. Yes, save that one. But we don't get trans to be the mall, because some of them are actually deeply depressing. But I've got two that I've been banking for a while, so I just got to change the story.
Well, do I get trans to be the second one? Yeah, is that right? OK, no, it's our first list called, just in. So about 10 years ago, I used to pump a pot of potties.
Strap in, you're going to love this one, and set dick tanks. When all smaller trucks were get full, we would unload into a big tank of truck that held 22,000 gallons. That's 22,000 gallons. Oh, shit.
So one cold January morning, I went on load into the big tank. That's what it says. Which makes it sound like you was down a jack off session. But anyway, everything was going as usual.
After about 30 seconds, the fittings that held the pipe from my truck to the tanker failed. If you've ever been behind a tanker truck, like you all know that the rear output on them is at a perfect face stroke mouth level. You can see where this is going. So the heavy metal coupling hit me in the chest at a speed and pressure that only 22,000 gallons of shit coming out of a full-inch opening can produce.
Now at this point, I'm pinned against my truck, and the tanker, which is only four feet away to put it in perspective with the sewage of countless homes blasting out. Oh, I got to put it in perspective with the sewage. Why do you just put it right? It's just right, simple.
Just read good. No, it's just the sentence doesn't make any sense. Fuck off. Anyway, the tanker sprayed at four feet away, a force of shit.
So strong. It shot straight down my throat and filled me up like a balloon. That's not true. I managed to get away and stop off all of my clothes in 10 degree Fahrenheit weather, and we're straight down with cold water for 10 minutes.
I chucked it. Here we go. A little gag moment there. I chucked it in my car, now killing frozen shit and feeling very ill for more of the sewage in my stomach.
I drove home naked, covered in shit, and when I got home, it was just in time for my neighbors' kids to see me running from my truck. Come on, just shit in ice, and they never talk to me again. This is totally true, and if you call my old boss, he can verify the company's called Got to Go Pottys. The number is 570 Black Black Black.
Thanks for the podcast, keep up the good work, guys. Well, thank you. That might be the peak shit story we've ever had. I wouldn't like it, there's been some kind of dead pensioner.
In there, maybe the hay comes out. So you know, I don't know. Out of the sewage truck. Well, it's like hits it.
Ladies. And then, at the end, dead pensioners hand. Slaps in the face. It comes out.
Some murder has been dumped in pensioners, it is. I'm just saying. I'm spitballing something. Yeah.
So this story's just for you to read. Now, I called him an arm. Can you read the story you'll find out why I keep him anonymous? But I'm a little bit unsure of this in the true story.
But I'll let you read it. I'm unsure of that last one. He said it's true. He would need medical attention.
If you swallow any of it. If you swallow tons of shit. Yeah, you know, I would... I can't think about it too much.
Cool. Cool. This has got so many of your gag thing. You only have to think about gagging.
No, there's no sort of... No, I'm not thinking about gagging him. I'm thinking about swallowing hu-hole shit. LAUGHTER Right, you ready?
Yeah. Calm down. This is not a shit-based story you'll be good here. It's not like breaking back.
I'm just sort of... Is there a break-and-go? I can see glue-cluts, clam there. Yeah.
Mmm. Good. I've vetted it. It's fine, ish.
Right. I've already got any issue with the first line. Oh, are we fucking good? Right, right, right, right, right.
You can call me just. I'm sure you'll do that a bit as well. Sorry you're not. But who is just?
What kind of name is just? Oh, Justin? OK, yeah, thank you. Yeah.
That's my current gift! Thanks for clearing that up for me. Before we get into the actual short-floor portion of this story, you'll need some background. Well, I background.
Years ago, despite my protestations, very distant relative moved into my intro bedroom. This was a man in his 50s. I was in my early 20s at the time. Thank you.
Great. He wore almost nothing. But very, very short cut off denim shorts. I like this already.
Why? It's nice, nice colour. I saw that on the train, but it must be not 70 wearing the smallest running shorts I've ever seen. And he fell asleep and had a bit smile on his face, and then literally the quarter of the next week stopped, but he got the mass of his phone card.
I'd never seen that. It was like, man, do it like a few days ago. He looked really happy to be first here. But you're 70, you're just like, I'll fuck it.
I can't believe it! It doesn't matter where it is. It's working. The cop needs the sleep, so he can't enjoy it.
I have to wake him up. You have an erection there. I missed it! Oh, my God.
OK. The man who's 50s, I was in my early 20s, wore almost nothing but very short cut off denim shorts, and running stone-stoits. He had a pet, Cayman, which is a small alligator, if you didn't know. I didn't know.
Which he let run at Lou's in his bedroom at all times. He was a high ranking member of the local Clutch clan, and was also a member of the Army Reserve, despite the fact that he was legally blind without his glasses. This is like a Netflix thing, isn't it? He achieved this for years by hand altering his medical exam forms.
He had hand altering. No, not like that. He thanked on his form. Just doing a little bit of hand alteration on that.
Dot the eye across the teas laugh. Spunk on his form. Yeah, I got a point. Hand alteration on his medical exam forms.
He's also mentioned more than once to me that he was still in the reserves, but could he get cigarettes quite cheap in the Middle East, and come home and resell them? Why does that make him still in the reserves? No. He was interested to say the least.
He was to pay a modest amount per month and won utility bill off his choice. Great deal! Yeah, but what? That's stupid.
Right. Oh, I'll be taking the electricity. What would you choose which utility to put? This week I'm paying for Netflix.
They could put in a big sort of fruit machine. Big love shh. Gas. That's just a great fact.
It's stupid. Fucking stupid. Really? Pissed off with this.
Utility bill of his choice. My arse. That's where the story falls down. Anyway, it went well for about two months before he stopped paying anything.
For the next six months or so he had an excuse every month not to pay. Obviously, I wasn't happy with this. So while he was in the Philippines meeting his mail all the time for the first time. Braggits, yes.
I went into his room to snoop around for money. I was hoping to find a few dollars and make some change. Right, this is all very very stupid. More of it.
More of it. Yeah, very ass-naked. So he's gone to steal money from him. He's got money but he's owed it.
Instead, I found a large plastic storage container, chopped full of apples and cocaine. And $2,600 cash. I took it all. Why?
You just took it? Why not? Fucking God, it's theft. What?
You know, he's going to go to the police. Someone stole all my apples and cocaine. Yeah, no one. Of course.
That's my point. That's why the real good career criminals, rip off other criminals. They fucking call them. Stop watching people like this.
Now, fast forward to the shop floor part. Good. I was volunteering at a local Salvation Army store to pay the place. To say the place was mismanaged was an understatement.
Most days, there was only one person working. So if that person were you, you'd be expected to sort donations to the back and then run back out into the front if the customer arrived. I'd recently lost my job and was barely scraping by with that job due to my housemate not paying anything. Then I had an idea.
The Coke. The Coke was the idea. The Coke. Yeah.
Fucking. That's the idea. I would have had that idea at least a paragraph ago. I'd done nothing with the Coke and used all the money catching up the bills that were late.
I spread the word to a few friends about my new business venture. I wasn't into that particular drug but I knew that they'd be able to find new business. It was always. For the next eight months, anyone who came into the back to make a donation and asked if Mandy was working.
Left with cocaine. At the end of it all, I had made over $10,000. My housemate ended up getting caught leaving the Philippines attempting to smuggle drugs and shit. I haven't seen him since they came and it's okay though.
No, they kept the calligates. I think. Yeah. Great.
That's it. He just niggled about your drugs off his face and his housemate. It's like breaking bug. Except you know, shorter.
I've always had that fantasy about finding a large amount of drugs. I'm having to. Yeah. Undercover.
You don't let people know. You sell drugs to me then. I'm a big dealer. Sit in the car with the window to wind up.
It's all about drugs. I've got loads of drugs. You want them? I've got loads of drugs.