You warmed up. I'm not warmed up. You warmed up. Come on.
You warmed up. I'm not you warmed up. Paul come on. You just sat there breathing For five minutes looking at your phone and I'm anything warmed up.
I was looking for content for this show as we're lacking We certainly are gone. No, we've got it. Do you intro? Do you do the intro?
Do you do your sandwich? Yeah? If you know what I mean. What does that mean?
Sorry that I that sounds funnier in my head the story of Eli's life Go on here. We go. I just had a poor sandwich. Did you know I mean?
I don't know about it. I don't know about it. Right. Right.
Okay. Fuck you. Here we go. Intralize.
We haven't looked at fall to this. Take it away. Oh, it seems like something here. And you're listening again to cheap shows amazing little podcast I call cheap show.
Sometimes someone else helps me. Sometimes it's Paul Ganon. It's always Paul Ganon. One little guy.
If you I deemed. No, you didn't. You have very little ultimately creative responsibility for this podcast. Oh, I was just riffing man.
I've opened up a fucking scene. Yeah. All right. Well, go on then.
Hello. I'm a nice gentleman. Welcome to my entirely my podcast. Which I came up with years years ago.
I came up with it in a dream and I've written it on a boring little. You boring little. I'll put it on a piece of paper. Yeah.
And I put it in a safe. Yeah. And it will prove me to be the author and soul inheritor of cheap show. Good.
Is that your intro? No. Should I go and do it? Oh, yeah.
Yeah. Warm it up. Ah, ah, it's over here. It's cheap show time again.
Whoa. And here's Paul Ganon. He's yeah. Here it is.
Yeah. Welcome to cheap show. Well, I fucking do. Hey, you and your fucking mood repossi.
Fanta cheese. Oh, yeah. I'm set. I'm doing so.
I'm going on. I'm going on. No, no, no. It's another episode of the economy comedy podcast you like to listen to.
I've had a prawn sandwich. And if you know what I mean, see how many it worked. He did. Yeah.
We're in medical response thing. Paul. I think you have to come clean. Yeah.
Yeah. And admit that you are hungover. I'm on go. You're not.
You just like, I can't deal with noodles. I can't. I mean, that's me. I mean, you say things like that.
Yeah. Let me put it this way. I'd rather do noodles when I can be fully engaged with it and not give you 100% of your disdain. Yeah.
Well, same difference. Famed. This interest. Same difference.
Same difference. Same difference. Hello. Welcome to cheap show.
So I say that again. No, just say it fucking again. You don't say it again anyway. Well, get it out of the fucking way right now.
Just say it again twice. Ladies and jelly spoons. Welcome to cheap show. Thank you.
And one more time. Just get it. I'm going on. I'm bored of it.
Bored of you. Bored of this. Listen. Bored of it all.
Spanked up the house of pickles. And you know what? It's not too bad in here today, but it's about the beef. It's very beefy.
You can't get the beef out mate. Seriously blade plugging. Just plugging in your wall. I don't know what that could do to the delicate ecosystem in here.
I hope it improves it. It'd be nice to walk into the room and not to walk into a massive wall of arse fog. Well, combination of what goes in your guts and what comes out your guts. And that's what's on this room is.
And you know what? I'd slave to this podcast. It adds flapping flavor. It does.
It adds ambience. It's flavor. Yeah. Here's the question.
When we record it, my place or the places. Is it cheap show? If it's not the house of pickles. Of course it is.
Is it? Yeah. But is it really cheap show? It's not.
When we were on a bus most of the time. It's true. We did a live show. We bring the house of pickles with us.
There's a little house of pickles within us all. We should do a house of pickles roadshow where we go to town up and down the UK and we do live songs and shows and we have guests. Are you suggesting this? Are you suggesting this?
Yeah. Live shows and songs. Do you remember the old radio on roadshow? Vaguely.
Were these to go in every presenter? Wasn't known on that. I don't know. I can't remember the details.
He was wearing me on that. Wasn't he a swatch shop? No, I don't know. Because he's all I'm saying.
The radio on roadshow was very big in the 80s. I'm going to see Steve Wright on the beach at subport and he did a show. I was young and I got to see a celebrity off the radio. Were you actually excited to see?
Yeah. He's just a big family date. Someone impersonating the guy at Ghostbuster was his first black man. You ever saw?
That's true. Fucking hell. How did you say you were out there? There wasn't a lot of people of colour in my area growing up.
It's just that was the 80s. That was it. And it just happened to be that I saw my first person of colour when he was pretending to be Winston Zeddmoor in a voxel quarter with a fridge on the top. Oh, is it literally?
They were painted. There was an echo on like that. They got a long white car and then put a bunch of stuff. They found a china on the roof for a siren and it parked up outside.
I think it was wind peas that did the Ghostbuster's two promotion. But at that time, wind peas were being bought out by Burger King. It might also be. Basically, you got a little Ghostbuster's two happy meal and it had a little kit tinted and on the tint said, Ghost inside, do not open.
It wasn't a happy meal. It was some wind peas. No, I know what I'm saying. You got a sticker of the certificate and one else.
And when you opened it up, the Ghost escaped but it left the spooky residue. So it all grew up in the middle. It just what do you mean? It all grew up in the dark in the middle.
It glowed up. It glowed up. It glowed up. It glowed up in the what?
It glowed. Yeah, but what glue? The joke was that the Ghost was in the tin. But when you opened it, that's not a joke.
You look like messing with a cult palace. It's nothing to be smirked at. But it's that do not open or you're at least the Ghost. Was it tin?
Yeah, like a coating, but it's more. And then you opened it and it's not enough. No, it was just a vosse-ish. No, it's a...
I was in a cabab shop the other day. No, no, no. Time to die. Go off.
And they had an old wimpy sort of fixture, like a metal engraved sort of napkin dispenser sort of thing. Yeah. Weird. Was this once a wimpy?
Maybe. This is the only surviving remnant of the wimpy. This used to be my wimpy. Did you ever have a bird when a dog burgers?
No. Like sausage. I don't know about ever going to a wimpy. It's all a sausage, a round sausage, in segments.
Chunky segens. Yeah, no, no, no. With an egg on. They still do it apparently.
They do it quite famously. Yeah, but they're just sad, franchised out. Yeah, there's only like a couple left in the country. Poor times as much as McDonald's and it's like...
You know why? Because you've got a try and it was more like that kind of... A cat here. It was like a calf, right?
Yeah. You go in with your tray. You go in with your tray. You throw out your throat as egg burger.
Put a full-break English breakfast on your plate. Glamvul, glamvul. And you get a cup of tea in one of those big thick white ceramic mugs. That, glam, glam.
And you sit down and it's like a greasy spoon cap with a brownie. You've just gone totally... You know what? You hung over so you've gone totally in the snail joke.
It's just boring. It's boring, all this stuff. And then I'm playing along just for the sake of... Oh, go on.
Do a character then. Do a wettie character. Go on, fucking do one. Go on.
There's a chance. Ladies and gentlemen, it's that time of the show now where we Eli out his talent. Hello, hello. I'm...
I'm a... Terrence Sessions. Terrence Sessions. Also known as...
Yeah. Is that his voice? If you've got to do Team Yeti then you're like, of course. Sorry, scrub that.
Edit that. Yeah. Oh, he's like that. It's a little bit like...
It's a bit like that. A bit like that. He's a bit like that. But he thinks he's a well-spoken man.
And now I'm Terrence Sessions. Yes, I'm here now. Grumpy Sessions. No, no, Grumpy Sessions.
That's a good point. Yeah, Grumpy Sessions. That's my name. That's what I'm telling you.
But my real... It's Terrence. It's Terrence. It's Terrence.
It's Terrence. It's so Grumpy, it's like your stage name. Tell me this, Paul. Tell me this.
Who? Who? They're right, mine. Call their child, Grumpy.
It's an actual first name. Well, when I think you're on the show last night... You're obviously a big name. You literally explained that it was a name you were given at birth.
Well... So, that means you're a liar. I'm not your lying syndrome. Oh, this fucking character is shit.
Oh, my mother is a character is shit. My mother. She was very old. You've got 10 seconds to make this work.
10 seconds. No, she said Grumpy, which I didn't call you. Five seconds. Right, I'm going.
Okay. I just liked it. I like Grumpy Sessions. Bye, then.
Awful. Awful. Awful. Just awful.
There was content there. No character. I'm glad you asked me to do it. Yeah, but you got it back to your roster of characters.
Grumpy Sessions is in the roster of... And you don't even know where more Grumpy Sessions sounds like. You lose it Eli. You lose it.
You lose it. Let's Grumpy go Grumpy. Right, can we go on the show today? Tell us on the show?
Price of pride and mysterious. This is going to be the country kitchen. It was going to be called... We put a belly.
Mate, I can't stand the kitchen in e-nead. I've got it right now. Right now, I'm sitting on a turd that I... No, within me...
It doesn't have character. It has a lot of attitude, but not a lot of body. It has no internal fortitude. No, it has nothing.
It has no strength of... It has no community to it. No, it doesn't have a solidifying will. No.
A unity. It has no unity. No structural unity. My guts are in anarchy mode.
It's arspit of the worst variety. It's bonk music. It's going to be aggressive. It's going to be cocaine, I'm sorry.
It's not going to be good. And I'm writing out these two recording sessions now on this... Have you ever had a Guinness? Have you ever had a Guinness?
Yeah. And then done a black shit? No. I did one the other day.
Well, that will end that segment there. Really? On that lovely little bit of character. Chunky second.
I've just snipped off a chunk of second. Right. We're back here. Oh, it's time for a tell from the shop floor.
It's time for a tell from the shop floor. With me, your host Paul Gannon. And with me in this tell from the shop floor segment is my favourite friend in the whole wide world. Why, you know me.
Lillie like, Silliman. It's lillie like. All right. Great to be here.
Great to see you too. Why is... We're doing that now? No.
Like I'm guessing on your show. Yeah. Like, Boris, your format. Anyway.
Yeah, yeah. Let's just dive into the letters. Okay. And we've got a lot of follow up.
I want to go before we get you further. On the Derek story time. Well, it's really worth something. Because let me just read this to you.
This is a chap called... He's called Charlie. And he said the Derek story inspired him. It reminded him of this.
And I was just like, I know I hope he doesn't inspire him to do certain specific things that went on in the story. No, I mean, I think it just took four fjagra. I went to a fucking zoo. Oh, look at that.
We have an art attack. I'm trying to kill a sergeant. I saw my trompe. I'm not interested in pandas.
I'm not interested in pandas. Okay. I think that's a little about you. So we get them for the story.
What was I saying? Pandas. You're into more alan-o. Pandas, they might let you fuck a panda.
You like big cats. They might let you fuck a panda. No. I don't think any zoo would let you fuck a panda.
They might have nicely left. They need them to give birth. With other pandas. Yeah.
We've got to just go. We've got to just go. We've got to do what we've got to do. Look, he's eager.
It must have been... I feel like this is some kind of sketch comedy thing I've already seen. Has anyone done a thing where someone puts a panda? Puts a panda suit on.
That's a Simpsons. Oh, yeah, of course. Simpsons did that. It's one of those episodes everyone thought was awful when Homer gets fucked by a panda.
I loved that one. It's imprinted on me, obviously. Obviously. Oh, oh, yes.
Here we go. Can you pass me? I'll pick up something in a charity shop. Yeah.
Pass me the ultimate cocktail book. I'm passing the book. This is the Wordsworth ultimate cocktail book. Oh.
Because it's like a proper dictionary. They're like a dictionary maker, aren't they? Yeah. So it's literally every single drink.
And they've got little bits. It's a fucking mike. It's been three. Fucking you.
I'm just talking about my editing. It's fucking podcast. I fiddle with your levels. Because you're away from the mike when you're too close.
I'm only too far away when you're looking elsewhere. And it takes me time. My weeks are soaked up editing this fucking show. And all I ask of you is to be here for the guy and speak into the fucking mike.
And it just fucking crunched out. Paul. Paul. Paul.
Okay. Should we sort of turn it off? Make your point about your Wordsworth ultimate cocktail book. I'm just being nice, actually.
Paul, yeah. So. It's got every cocktail in. All right.
That's not what I was saying. There's a specific thing that you'll be interested in. I was getting to. All right.
Take the fuck out. Fucking hell. Where is it? Oh, God.
Sorry. Oh, yeah. Do you remember that drink? No.
That was invented by bottom. The Esther Anson. Yes, it's in it. Pernolane.
No, no, no, no. Monolane Salt. Is that what it is? Bot Market Preparation.
Organization. My technique. Things Eli must work on in 2019. What did you say?
Is this okay? Pernol? Monolane Salt. What did you say?
Yeah. Pass these. Pass these. Pass these.
Where? Pass these to the left. Pass these to the right. Where do I pass that?
I think we should take this whole bit. Yeah. Pass these by. Go on.
Esther Anson, look, it's there. Pernol Oozone. Teaspoon Marmalade Salt. Do you remember how it's served?
It's said it there. Well, there's a bit where he goes. You can put a little bit of salt around the rim. That's it.
It's put it in there. Let's put it in there. Let's put it in there. Let's put it in there.
Right. Right. Right. We're at the rim of the cocktail glass and dip into salt to encross add the ingredients to glass.
It's that line. Right. And the queen goes in every direction. I didn't mean to start you off on a bottom quilt.
Just so you know, we're doing a Rick Mel charity event next year. Oh, God, yes. We're going to be doing the last. Well, we need to pick some scenes and mash it together and do a little play at the bottom.
So I'm just saying, prep, we're doing that. Bloody hell. That's not for till next June though. Anyway, what great book.
I thought I'll buy it when I saw that. Yeah, it's good. And it actually has just a breakdown of any drink. Does it say anything about James Bond drinks, Shakin Ozzie?
Or teeny on the... It's a Vespa. Is that what it's called? It's a Vespa, yeah.
Name it in the film in the book, don't make it. I presume it'll be in there then. It's just hard because it's all set out in terms of different boozes. Doesn't it have a...
Just where would it go? Because it's... What a Vespa is, is... Drink.
One part drink, two parts drink. One part gin, one part vodka gin. It's vodka and gin. And the moose.
Dry the moose. Where's the normal... You get vodka martinis. Yeah.
And then you get gin. Moa, menu, gin. So isn't it just like a big list of everything at the back? No.
There's no glossary where everyone calls it. No, it's all done by drink. Fuck it. I think I'll get gin.
Well, I'm enjoying this. Yeah, it's all right. It's not what I was going to do in this segment, but I think... Oh, you need a new segment.
I think the show's gone out the window. I need a new segment. I think they're going to do any of this. Just do any of that in the window.
Yes, because you are a cot. Hold on tight. No, it's not cool. Stop, stop, stop.
No, we'll see you in this show. No more lassiness. No more lassiness. No more lassiness.
I want three. No, sit down. Sit down. No, look at this joint.
I want joint. We're talking about James Bond and Bottom. And you just had a little quote at the bottom, didn't you? I want James Bond's bottom.
Bloomer man. What's he called? Vesper. Yes.
Mish money, Penny. Yes, I am the last. I'm talking. Shut up.
Junior! Where's my drink? This is my Sean Coloring impression. It's quite good.
No, it's not. I want to have an extra. Where's V? At the end.
Right near the end. VDULUXY. Vesper. Yeah.
Dry gin. Four dashes of vodka. So it's... What's a dash?
Just not much at all. Do they have to splash it out with a special? No. That's one measure.
Yeah. I believe of dry gin. Four dashes of vodka. Two dashes of the move.
Okay. Shake over ice and strain into a cocktail glass. See, that's not what you do. No, because they say you're meant to stare at it.
You're meant to stare at it. And underneath it says invention of the inflement. In casino oil. James Bond.
So he invented that drink. That's the sort of thing. When he says Martini's shaken, not stirred. Yeah.
That's not how he never ever served. No. So why does he say it? It's because he's...
It's his drink that he's invented. Oh. It's his own thing. It's his own thing.
So basically it's like... Because he ordered the lager and then the Bailey's chasers. What'd you call it? Load your board.
That one. It's like, basically he went into a bar, boned once, and went, oh, I love martini, shake it not stirred and said, we don't do that. Yeah, we, yeah, yeah. It's called a Vespa.
I'm Jake's bargain with a punch in the dick. What did we do? Make me a Vespa. It's a real drink.
It's after a bird. I have a bird. Was he inflaming like a proper okey? I don't know.
I don't know. I don't know too much about the Lebron basics in that. He worked at the military. He was a proper okey.
He was a spy. He was a phill. It's lovely. I drink we know.
Anyway, back to the show. Right. So we did the mess. We mentioned the thing last time about the what do that.
Yeah, this is the only way it's speaking. Oh, yeah, we saw the thing on the way to the. We had the very. Swarth of the.
Oh, the tiger. Yeah. Yeah. As soon as I think of that.
Rhapsody. I was listening to it back as well. He was like, yeah, we did miss out the beginning where he mentioned Jeff or Jeff was this mate was a vet. Ted was a vet.
And the joke was, he went, oh, I only called for whatever. Like the vet. It's only calling them my wife's ill. The implication being his wife's a fucking animal.
So that's the joke. A little bit of a homo. A little bit of a head to children. Yeah.
My wife's a fucking dog. I went to get to know I get a fucking vague. And I basically. I'm barely disguising my absolute hard on for this dead tiger.
Basically. I'm going to see his little meaning, a little subtext of me wanting to bone this half dead tiger in the street. Oh, he's just. I don't get it.
It's like he wants the fuck to talk. I'm going to make a story about a little man who gets his cock out and kills. Where a tag is it? It's a has that texture of dream.
Yeah, it has that texture of mentally unhinged. Who should not be a loud beer kid. It's unconscious. It's sort of bubbling through his conscious mind.
Yeah. He sees the world because I reckon it's based on friends. Oh, they're all. They're all.
They're all. Yeah. Is it going ahead? Is it going ahead?
We won't be an ongoing thing. We won't be an ongoing thing. We'll maybe do two or three more. I'll make a little semi-series out of it.
Okay. And again, thank you to Tom for giving that to us. Thank you very much. Anyway, Charlie's letter.
I just listened to today's episode, generally disturbing. Well done. lads. lt's always.
I'm genuinely, genuinely hurt me and gave me nightmares until about 10. l don't know if you're going to play any more of the cassettes. We're going to try. But anyway, behold, the story of The Tooth Gremlin.
LIG RADI I recently lost my first baby tooth. l was very excited to tell my great-grandmother about it when she came to visit. l told her. lt's surprisingly cross.
Well, this was really bad again. Sorry, it was exciting to tell his grandmother about his baby tooth coming out and when he told her, she was cross. That is maybe tooth that comes out. Yeah.
She said, well, how old was it? So, six. I don't remember. This is dubious.
How much? I judge, it's just maybe this one. I judge words. And you should judge yours before they come out your mouth.
You said no. You're actually about that. How about you? How about you fucking judge?
I don't judge my attitude. Oh, you're fucking going to guess. Just make the story. Right across your stupid dumb fat fucking face.
Can you just look? Can I make the story? I'm just trying to introduce an element of doubt that this is true. Yeah, but this is so shocking a story probably stuck into his mind because of it.
How's shocking? Well, let's find out. So let's see. Tiger's vagina.
So he told her she was cross and said, haven't you heard of the tooth gremlin? And I shook my head. Pick me up, sat me on a lap. And in prime storytelling position, she began.
Every time children are naughty, they must be punished. If they aren't punished, God sends a letter to the tooth gremlin telling it what they have done. That night, the tooth gremlin will visit the child while they sleep and immobilize them by giving them a nightmare. OK.
Right? Classic. Then it will begin to loosen their teeth by pushing its long hairy fingers into their mouths and wiggling all the teeth around. Don't like that.
Every naughty thing that goes on punishment leads to another nightmare visit for the tooth gremlin. And eventually your teeth start to fall out. OK. So he comes over and gives you a nightmare and wiggles your teeth.