Ep 11: The Polar Express

I'm wishing on a star and trying to believe that even though it's hard, I'll find you Christmas Eve. My name's Renee, and I am bad at movies. That's why I asked my friends to make me watch their favorite movies that I've never seen before. So to continue our Christmas tradition, we have on my friend Rainy Fleming, and we're going to talk about the movie Polar Express. So I've never seen Polar Express. Honestly, I don't really know what it's about, but just based on the title alone from my blind judgment, I'm guessing this is the plot.

In a world where all humans are replaced by bears, one polar bear learns the value of hard work when he takes over his Uncle Panda's fast food Chinese chain. Polar Express. Let's watch it. And now, the plot of Polar Express in under one minute. I don't believe in Christmas. I'm a little boy. Choo-choo. All aboard. What is this, a Christmas train? Yes, it is. We're going to the North Pole. Oh, damn. I'm thirsty, though. Hi, I'm a little girl.

I'm a little boy. I'm another little boy. Oh, you lost your ticket. Let's get on top of the train with a magic homeless man. Hey, you don't believe in Christmas, do you, squirt? Crunch, oh no, a melting lake that we're driving through. Uh-oh. The North Pole. Look at it. Elves. Let's explore the giant sweatshop that is Santa's workshop. Hey, do you hear that? I don't hear nothing. No, what is that? It's a beautiful bell. You can't hear it? I guess we'll trust you and follow you. Look, it's Santa. Santa. Hey, you're a good kid. Now listen. It's beautiful.

Make sure not to put this in your ripped pocket. Oh, no. Where'd your bell go? I put it in my ripped pocket. You're never going to see it again. Oh, it's under the tree. Oh, there it is. What'd you find there, tiger? A bell. Can't you hear it? Okay. Well, that bell continued to ring for me for the rest of my life, and all my friends stopped leaving at Christmas, so it didn't ring for them anymore.

Hey, Rainy. Hey, Renee. How's it going? It's good. How are you? Good, good. I'm excited to talk about the Polar Express. Yeah, I can tell already that you hated it. I didn't hate it. What makes you think I hated it? You were giving slight clues. You said the only part you liked was hot chocolate. Okay, that was a misspeak. Okay, fair enough. I liked it. I think that a lot of people don't like this movie. No, a lot of people don't like this. I feel like everyone I talked to... So maybe you're just offensive about it.

You think I'm offensive about it? No, not offensive, defensive. Oh, I'm defensive. Oh, yeah, probably. I don't know. I think it's a great movie. I think I just liked it so much because it's just so different from every other Christmas movie. It's kind of bittersweet. It's not really like, happy, everything's saved on Christmas. It's a Christmas miracle. There's a little bit of toxicity to it. I was telling Pete earlier, I liked the end. I think the whole thing overall is something for an older kid to enjoy. It's not something for little kids.

But it's something that, like, parents will see and be like, oh, no, it's all about believing in Santa and how the parents at the end can't hear the bell and how the kid can't hear the bell. And, yeah, I don't know. It's just something that an older kid might appreciate when they stop believing in Santa. Yeah, I don't think – yeah, it's not like a little kid's Christmas movie. No. As in, like, a Home Alone is. Yeah. Home Alone is like – it's got, like, the gags of, you know, what little kids eat up and stuff. And this one's, like, very, like – I don't know. There's, like, a darkness to it. And I think, also, the animation is weird enough that it would possibly scare a child. Yeah. The animation's a little –

It's a little off. I'll admit that. That's the one kind of flaw with that movie. I feel like the animation, it's just, it's like a few mouth movements away from it being, like, good, good animation. It seems like, like, right when they were on the cusp of figuring out how to make that look good. I want to say that this was, like, the first movie I saw where they used computer animation and it was humans instead of just, like, animals or characters and stuff. So they were still trying to figure out how to make a human face look real. Yeah. It just reads a little off. Even in the scenes, like, I always notice this for some reason. Even, like, the first time I saw it, it's not, like, something I caught, like, oh, second time I saw it or third time. But, like, the first time I saw this, I noticed it.

That first part where he, like, jumps in his bed because his parents are coming in to make sure he's asleep, the dad, the Tom Hanks dad, is talking in the background, like, I think the, you know, the magic might be over for him. And you can see his face just blurred out in the background, but the mouth is clearly not moving whatsoever. I noticed that, too. That's so weird. It's like, man, they couldn't just, like, just put a little, like, dark spot. Everyone's, like, just, like, a moving bigger and smaller dark spot for his mouth. That seems like it'd be easy. No, the animators are like, ah, it's little kids. They don't care. Oh, Pete. Hey, Pete. Yeah, I'm here. Oh, sorry, Pete. I thought this was my episode. It is. Okay. What do you think, Pete? Well, we...

We're talking about that while we're watching the movies. Like those first movies where they were doing humans, there was like a Resident Evil movie that came out too near the same time where they used real people. And like they look like real people, but everything about the way they talk and they barely make any facial expressions. So it's kind of odd to watch. It's like the faces.

The mouth moves, but the eyes don't move too much. The eyebrows don't move. There's no, like, dimples or anything. They just kind of move like mannequins that came alive. Right. It's really, like, they only put work into the facial expressions for scenes where it's, like, the facial expression is crucial and it's a close-up. Yeah. Like, the scene where he's, like, it's still in the bedroom scene before he gets on the train, and he's looking through his, like, things that are, like, you know, the post or whatever. It's, like, Santa's not real, the discovery, all the pictures and everything. And he goes, like, it's zooming in on his face, and it's, like, exaggerated. He goes, like...

I don't know if you guys remember that part. He, like, does this, like, really exaggerated smirk that's, like, they really focused on doing it. I think so. It was, like, the Grinch. It probably took them a month to do, too. Just took, like, a little half Grinch smile. Like, that big smile. Just had one side of his mouth, like, I know, it's fake. Oh, yeah. I just, I wonder, the thing to think about is just how long it took them to put that all together, too. It's just so tedious. I know that technology has changed and probably made it a little bit faster, but that movie probably took them forever, and they still had to, like, cut corners on it, you know? Yeah, yeah. With a mouth not moving in the background and stuff.

How long do you think that does take? They came out in 2004. I'm assuming Christmas season. 2004. It was like a summer blockbuster. But it came out in 2004. Do you think they started working on it in like 2000?

Just like a year? Like 2003? I think it takes like two years. For animation alone? I don't know. I don't know. I am only basing this on the like disc two featurettes I've watched for Pixar movies. Because there's so much more than animation too. There's the lighting that they do in all the different scenes. But I think it takes forever because every single thing about it doesn't exist. They have to make all the sounds. They have to make all the lights. They have to do all the voices. They have to do the animation. They have to build the set. So it just takes forever to make it. So at the very least the concept for this movie came out in like...

summer or fall, 2001. Probably when the book came out. Oh, well, yeah. Yeah, some cash cow was immediately thinking about turning that into a movie. Oh, baby. Oh, baby. Just gotta wait for those computers to get better and we're gonna cash in. But let's not wait until they're perfect. Let's wait until the animation's just enough to get by. Well, I feel like they did that for a bunch of things. It's like, okay, the kid's gonna want to see it because it's based on the book that they like. How can we get parents to like it? Tom Hanks. Let's just make him play every character. He's the draw. What a weird thing. Yeah, he was every, I want to say every adult male voice in that. He was, yeah, because he's not, the only person he's not is,

The engineers. And if you consider the elves, adults. He's not the elves. But he's every other... He's the conductor. He's the dad. He's Santa. He's the hobo. That's all of them, right? So he's just not the guy with the beard and the really, really fat guy. Yeah. Actually, that guy, that was his last movie. The guy who voiced those two. That was his last movie. Oh, no. Like he died or he just gave up? No, I think he died. He gave up on life. Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry. This is a dark movie. Yeah, it's pretty...

They stopped believing. He died. Anyway, all the negatives out of the way. It's my favorite movie I've ever seen. Great. Honestly, no, I remember reading this book as a kid. So it's interesting that they turned such a short story into an hour and a half long movie. Do you know was the homeless man on the train originally in the book? I was thinking about that because it was one of my favorites, at least around Christmas time, for my mom to read to me. And I cannot remember for the life of me if any of those characters are in it. I don't think so. I feel like it was only the kid and Santa. And otherwise, it was just like nice pictures. Yeah. Was there a conductor even?

Or did he just walk onto a train that parked and no one invited him on a train? I kind of think that that's how the book went. I don't know. I'm going to reread that book. Yeah. I don't know, but I mean, anyway, they definitely, there were moments where you could tell, like, they're just like, oh God, we got to stretch this out. So it's like a feature length film, like all the 3D, like the huge sequence where the girl loses her ticket and it's just like five minutes of the ticket just flying around into different places and stuff. You got to admit though, as much crap as we give the animation, that scene is gorgeous. I think that scene is gorgeous. It would have been great to see in 3D, which I am assuming they put it out as like a 3D movie when it came out. Did 3D exist in 2004? I don't know.

Yeah, I think so. I was seeing movies in 3D and IMAX. Like, it used to be you'd pay money to go see something in IMAX, and it was, like, a 15-minute movie where it's just, like, a car going through a mind track. So I think it was released in 3D. Like, you could go see it in IMAX, too. It was, like, one of those first, ooh, you could see it in IMAX, too, a feature-length movie. That eagle flying part down the waterfall in IMAX, that would be great. Yeah. There were some roller coaster bits, too, where you just would want to be, like, whoo! Oh, yeah, when they're on the front of the train, that actually looks like a roller coaster. Yeah.

They do that, like, six times. They do it with the train. They do it with the ticket. They do it with, like, the air-powered chute in the North Pole. They do it while they're sliding down. Like, they do it five or six times. It was definitely made for, like, a 3D part. Yeah, yeah, that's actually a good point, Pete. There you go, Pete. It's definitely a 3D movie. I've never seen it in 3D. I hope they bring it back to theaters so we can see the 3D again, now that we all appreciate it fully. No, but outside the animation, the message and the movie itself is great. It's just, it's funny that...

They didn't name any of the characters except for that one kid, Billy. Like, I thought maybe I'd missed something, but more than halfway into the movie, the little kid Billy is like, hey, that's got my name on it. And I was like, what are any of the other people's names in this movie? Yeah, and that's it. Yeah, I mean, like, the Wikipedia page, if you go to it, it's like, main boy is portrayed by, conductor is portrayed by, Santa Claus portrayed by, girl is portrayed by. Like, it's just never, it doesn't say names for anyone except for Billy. And he's not even the main character. No, I mean, they clearly just needed to include his name because they're not going to, like, he's not going to see the gift and be like, it says.

Sidekick. My name's Sidekick. That's so funny. We really don't know anything about that kid's backstory other than Christmas never works out for me. Yeah. Okay. He seemed lonely and his house wasn't decorated and then he came home and there was Christmas lights up or there was a present under the tree. It seemed like he was just kind of alone. Yeah. I feel like it'd be scary if we learned his backstory. Yeah, right? It's kind of better not to know it. As dark as that movie is, it's still a Christmas movie, they don't want to include like, oh, and Billy...

gets hit by his drunken father. Like, they don't want to include anything like that. Voice by Tom Hanks. Oh, God. Where you been? Get in here, boy. Include a 20-minute scene. That's just like, why is this in the movie that's so bad? It's in 3D, too. Just a hand coming at you. Oh, no. I hate it. Yes. I don't think I'd like the movie if they included that scene. I don't think I'd be as passionately in favor of the movie.

Also, we were talking. Pete noticed that one of the characters, he just called him Mandark because it's the same voice as the guy who does Mandark on Dexter's Lab. The little nerdy guy keeps talking about the train like, hey, you're on the train and you're breaking the rules and la, la, la, la. Oh, which character? The nerdy one. I thought I did a pretty spot on impression. It's pretty clear on which character. The worst character. Yeah. Really annoying one. Yeah, I hate that kid. His voice just seems so unrealistic compared to everybody else. It didn't fit. The kids kind of sound like kids and Tom Hanks is a good voice actor. Then you have this one blonde kid that's just like this adult male doing a weird nerdy voice. Like, hey, I need to follow the train protocol. What? Yeah, that kid, I don't know. He didn't.

He was fine, but he didn't add much to the movie for me, personally. I don't know what his role was. I felt like I understood the role of non-believer boy. I understood the role of girl. And I understood the role of sad boy. But he was just kind of unnecessary. Well, they made brief mentions of him not actually supposed to be on the train at one point. Great grammar. You know, at one point they mentioned that he wasn't supposed to be on the train. I do recall.

And also he snuck in the bag with them and was trying to open his gift early. That's right. So he was like the bad boy, but then there was no real repercussion for him being the bad boy. He still got a gift and everything. Yeah, I guess they didn't really have like an antagonist in this movie.

I would say the antagonist is doubt. Okay. I don't know. I don't know if there's an antagonist. I mean, I think it really is just doubt. I mean, I said it as a joke, but yeah. Not like God faith. No, Santa faith. It's different. Yeah, it's very different. The reason I bring it up is because when I was looking up, I was trying to have enough to talk about and make sure I could fill this whole podcast. I was like, what are some themes of Polar Express? I know I like it, but what are some themes?

When I search themes, Polar Express, it's all Christian websites. Oh, man. We're saying, it's about God. It's about God and stuff. And I'm like, yeah, I mean, any movie is about God. If you want it to be about God. Of course. Then, yeah, you can see any movie that way. And this movie in particular, I can see it would be easy. Right. Man, they were like, the conductor represents Jesus, Santa represents God, and the hobo represents the Holy Ghost. Really? And I was like, mm. I mean. He is the only character that vaporizes into snow when he gets hit by tunnels. I mean, he's a literal ghost. Yeah. But I don't really know what the Holy Ghost represents. And I'm not.

Too knowledgeable, religiously. Yeah, I don't know what he represents. And I don't know what the homeless man represents either in the movie, except just to be there and be like, hey, kid, come here. Yeah, I don't know. I think the homeless man is just kind of the anti-conductor. Yeah. Or like, I don't know, the guy who's like, yeah, why would you need to believe? Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah. I don't know. I don't know the themes of the movie. I think the movie's great. Is his dad supposed to be the devil? Trying to convince him not to believe? Oh, man. No, because he has the Santa hat in the beginning. So he's trying to, you know. But the devil's disguised as a man. That's true.

Greatest trick the devil ever pulled. I know who the devil is. The devil is the car on the train that's filled with frightening toys. I think that's hell. The Scrooge is probably the devil. The Scrooge, what are those called? Marionette. Yeah. Yeah, that's it. But anyway, it's not religious. It always seems like every Christmas movie has to include one scary scene. Yeah. There's always something like that where he goes in. The whole movie is a little off-putting, but then he goes into the room and is alone and it's dark and he's terrified by being trapped by toys. It's like, these movies are for kids. Why do we always put in one scene that's going to upset the kid? I don't know.

I don't know. What else can you do to get a kid really like... You've got to give the kid a sense that the hero might not come out on top. I guess that's true. We adults know that the hero's going to come out on top. You've got to include a scary scene. You've got to include the guy with the shovel from Home Alone, just so the kid thinks. That guy's a threat. You've got to misdirect the kids, you know? I just would have thought that the train barreling off the tracks on a breaking lake was enough danger that he didn't need to go to a scary toy room. No, because the smart kid immediately after goes like, yeah, I knew it was just an optical illusion.

I would be so pissed if I was the little boy and the girl and the conductors and the engineer or whatever who just like saved. We literally just drove a train off of this icy breaking lake. Yeah. And you thought it was an optical illusion. F you, dude. Get off the train. Get off the train. You're not going to North Pole anymore. You're not allowed on the train anymore. And absolutely not. You're not going to get the first gift at Christmas. That's ridiculous. Why would you get it?

Oh, my goodness. Yeah, I think that – oh, God. It was just such an interesting movie in that not a whole lot really – yeah, there's not that many stakes. It's just kind of like cool to look at and they don't – they leave it vague on purpose. Like none of the characters have names. It's just – yeah, it's not like most Christmas movies where there's a whole lot of plot. This was just kind of – they just go meet Santa. They're on this one long train ride and they go meet Santa at the end of it and then the movie kind of ends from there. Yeah. I mean I guess there's not really that much plot. I think it's – I don't know. That's just so –

I think it speaks to me just because I've also, like, maybe at this point in my life in particular why it speaks to me. Because, like, lately, not like, I just stopped believing in Santa Claus. But, like, lately I've been, like, I've felt that I've personally, like, let go of my spirit of Christmas a little bit. And, like, I've always been a big, like, I mean, when I was a kid I was, like. I mean, that was mostly based on presents. But, like, through college and, like, my early adulthood, I've been, like, woo, gung-ho, love Christmas, love seeing my family. But lately, for some reason, I've been a little less, like, Christmassy. And I think that movie just speaks to me because I'm like, oh, man, it's so important to keep that. Right. Keep that belief in Christmas. And, I mean, you don't have to believe in Santa Claus, but just keeping the spirit there. Yeah. I mean, why lose it? There's no reason to. Yeah. It's a good feeling. It is good. It's definitely good. And, you know, when you're sporting a beautiful Christmas sweater right now, it says Cleveland on it, and it's got reindeer and Christmas trees and mushrooms on it. Mushrooms? Are those mushrooms? These? No, look, down in the middle.

Between the trees. That's a leg. It's a leg lamp. Oh, yeah, because that's where, what's the movie? A Christmas Story? A Christmas Story. It was filmed in Cleveland. It's a leg lamp. I went and saw the Christmas Story house last year. Nice. For the first time I've lived in Northeast Ohio, or I've lived in Northeast Ohio for so much of my life, and I've never seen it. Very cool. Yeah, they got the leg lamp in the window. It's a big Cleveland thing. That's awesome. There's a lot of pride in the leg lamp. Well, do you remember, do you have a distinct memory of when you kind of figured out that Santa wasn't real? Was there a major moment in your life?

Heartbreaking. I think I was, like, the kind of kid who was, like, in denial about it. Yeah. No, he's, I get it, guys. You don't believe in him. That's fine. But he is real. Yeah. I don't think I have one moment where, like, now I know. But, like.

At one point, I think when I was like 12 years old, my siblings and I and my parents were like, I don't know, we're all home for Christmas. And my siblings eventually, like they're both older than me. My brother's five. My sister's eight years older than me. They're both just like, like, you know now that Santa's not real. And like, I think I just went like, oh, yeah, absolutely. I know that. Yeah, I've known that for like six years. You're like fighting back tears. Like, yeah, guys, I knew. I have to go upstairs. Yeah, so.

I think that's probably the moment, if there is one moment. But I think it was just me in my own head denying it for a long time. So it's sad. I was the same way, too. I didn't want to believe that there wasn't Santa just because it was awesome. I mean, who wouldn't want to believe that there's a magical man who comes and gives you presents every year? And all my cousins, I was like the baby of my family, not just my immediate family, but in my larger family, too. And so they just egged it on, too. I remember asking my cousin John, who was probably 16 at the time, like...

Is Santa real? He's like, yeah, he's real. You don't believe in Santa? He gave me shit for not believing in him. And I was like, yeah, yeah, I believe in him too. Yeah, we're both cool. I know he's real. I don't know. Yeah, my dad was just very casual deadpan about Santa Claus. Even if we said to him, our dad, he's not real. He'd be like, well, it's a shame that you don't think so. I hope he still brings the presents. I love that. Very clearly, all of our bedrooms were upstairs. We have a split-level house. And we would go downstairs. He goes, oh!

Let me go check on things before we go downstairs. I'm like, Dad, we know what you're doing. No, you don't. I'm just making sure it's safe. And he would take a boot and put it in the fireplace and just make footsteps. He'd do the same stuff every year even if we were like, Dad, you don't need to do that. He'd be like, I don't know what you think I'm doing. I'm just making sure it's safe downstairs before we go downstairs. He does it. It's just like will not address the fact that Santa Claus isn't real even now. That's really cute. That's adorable. I just love adopting that. I kind of did that with the Easter bunny for you this year. I think it's just so fun to be super casual.

You know, he's real. I told Rene one time, I'm like, Dad, we know that Santa Claus isn't real. You're just doing it. He goes, that's pretty rude. I mean, he does a lot of hard work. I think you should give him credit where credit is due. I don't do anything. I remember one year, one of my cousins, my family, like our house is like the central like meeting point for Christmas.

And one year, my cousins, my youngest, or maybe not the youngest one, I forget how old we were, but she had a book, and it was like a Dr. Seuss book, and you were supposed to get signatures from different people. And it would be like, someone who's left-handed, someone who likes pizza, blah, blah, blah. And one of them was someone with a beard. And so we're like, we've got to leave it out for Santa. We've got to do it. And all the kids, we were all pumped about it. We're going to leave it out for Santa. This will prove if he's real or not. And we woke up on Christmas morning. It was signed. And I feel like even as a kid, I should have had the logic to be like, oh, obviously, we don't know what Santa's handwriting looks like. Anyone could have signed this. But we were like, hole.

Holy shit. That's awesome. He's real. I can't believe it. What did your parents do? We would put out carrots for the reindeer. My dad would just come downstairs and take a bite out of each one. But the boots and the ash of the fireplace were pretty cool. He would make footsteps every year. That's the first I've heard that one. My parents would just do normal stuff. Carrots, cookies. It's always one bite out of a cookie. Then a sip of milk. There's still most of the glass of milk left there. So you just have milk sitting out in the living room all night. Also, Santa wouldn't wrap our gifts. Our gifts from Santa weren't wrapped. My parents would lay them out across the living room.

almost like displays. My bike one year, I got a bike and it was like in the middle of, I would say like our dining area, like away from the tree and stuff. And then like, I don't know. What else have I got? Oh, a racetrack. What are those? Hot Wheels. The Hot Wheels racetrack was already set up. Oh, that's awesome. It was already going. That was the jam. I love walking out on Christmas morning. You could already see everything you were pumped about. That's really cool to have the toys built and set up already. That's awesome. That makes me happy just thinking about that. That's sweet. Wow. And none of this cheer would have happened without the Polar Express. It's true. When did you guys stop believing in Krampus? Oh, man. I still believe in Krampus. I'm still scared of Krampus for sure. Krampus in theaters December 17th. I'm going to go see that. I'm going. Wait, didn't it come out?

Or is it not out yet? Not yet. It's out. What's the date of today on this podcast? Great question, Pete. Moving on. It's Christmas morning. Yeah, I don't know. I feel like all of it came to me at once where I stopped believing in stuff, and it was just a really heartbreaking day. I can't remember what set it off, but I think I just kind of figured out Tooth Fairy wasn't real, Santa wasn't real, Easter Bunny wasn't real, all at once. It was a really tough day for me.

Sorry to hear that. What day was it? It was April 3rd of 2014. This was last year, guys. That's so sad. Sorry to hear that. Oh, I wanted to bring this up. From Polar Express? Sort of. Did you see Mad Max? The new Mad Max movie? I can't wait to see how this relates to Polar Express. And yes, I did. Because I'm pretty sure Mad Max Fury Road just ripped off the Polar Express.

Both movies are entirely just a round trip journey that they're trying to accomplish a goal interrupted by natural and predators. There's also a scene where the leader of a sort of isolated society arrives and a huge mass of believers cheer and applaud. And he's got white hair and beard. His journey leaving in his signature vehicle. Yeah, wow. Also to open the movie, the main boy eats a head off of a lizard. That's right. Similar to the bell ringing. Yeah, it is very similar. I didn't think about that. No, I don't know. I don't know what to say. I guess Mad Max ripped off Polar Express. That's what I'm saying. His logic is sound. I'm saying maybe Polar Express wasn't perfect, but it's inspired a lot of cinema sense then. Yeah, it has. It really has. What did you guys think? I like to ask about this. Like I'm hosting a podcast. No, go ahead. I'm at a loss for words. What did you guys think of the elves? The elves. The identical elves.

They're not all identical. They're all identical except one looks like Steven Tyler. Oh, my God. I forgot about that. Oh, God. That was terrifying. The Steven Tyler elf freaked me out. But at the same time, I was like, oh, they got Aerosmith to be in the movie. That's cool. Yeah, actually, I take it back. Animation is not my least favorite part of the movie. The Aerosmith. The Aerosmith elf is my least favorite part of the movie. I feel like all I've done since I came on this podcast is talk crap on this movie. I really, really like. But, yeah, that's Steven Tyler elf. Rocking out on top of the world. Oh, God. I hated his face. I mean, what was weird was that the elves watched.

real footage of live-action children on the security tapes. And they had to finish up with that one kid, and then they were done. And they just watched him on repeat saying, it wasn't me. It wasn't me. It wasn't me. I didn't do it. I didn't do it. You gotta love that.

of all the kids in the world, what, there's probably, how many people in the world, seven billion? So probably like three billion of them are kids, or at least, I don't know, two and a half are kids young enough to believe in Christmas. Sure. On the eve of Christmas, in the entire world, there was only one kid who made a naughty mistake. I mean, that's pretty good for two and a half billion. That is really good, yeah. And even he got, like, pardoned, right? Yeah, and they were like, he stuck gum in his sister's hair. And they were like, let's see the clip. And I didn't do it. All right, give him a pass. He said he didn't do it. Didn't they call someone?

No, he was about to. He picked up the phone to stop the alarm, and he was calling someone to let him know, like, don't give Steven, I think was the kid's name. Steven Tyler. But anyway, they're calling to let the big man know. Do I see him as Santa? Or Krampus. Or Krampus. Oh, they're letting Krampus know. I got another one for you. Oh, man. I hope they make a sequel, and it's really scary. And they go to, where does Krampus live? In the North Pole as well? Just on the outskirts? South Pole. Yeah, but anyway, they take the Polar Express to the South Pole or Krampus' house. No, but what was he saying? Oh, the little kid. I don't know. They were going to let the big man know, which was Santa. Yeah. Yeah.

He got away with it. What was your favorite scene in the movie then? Yeah, let's talk some positive stuff. I mean, it's got to be that iconic last image. Because that's the same last picture from the book, is the bell. And honestly, I watched it today, and I tear up pretty easy in movies. I teared up at Jumanji once. What part? When he comes back and his dad's not there. Yeah, oh, that is sad. But I teared up at that when he's like, over the years, the bell stopped ringing for most of my friends. Even, I think his sister's name is Sarah. Even Sarah couldn't hear its lovely melody anymore.

The bell still rings for me today. And I was like tearing up. I was like, it's so sad. We grow up and we lose that magic. That's a bummer. The only people that keep it are the 10 kids that were on the Polar Express. Right. Man. We were wondering if the train hobo is actually the main boy as an adult. And since he's the only adult that still believes in Santa Claus, he becomes obsessed and tries to ride the train again. And he gets hit by the tunnel and dies. And he's now the adult ghost of the train because he couldn't let go of his belief of Santa Claus.

Yeah, that's not a secret. They say that on the Wikipedia page. Okay, that's under trivia. That's exactly what it is. That's the one thing they want you to take away from the movie. Oh, you're right. Yeah, I mean, that's why he plays with the toys and tries to scare kids, is he doesn't want the same thing to happen to other kids, so he tries to scare them off the train. Yeah, I don't know. He's the most mysterious character. I don't know what his deal is. Yeah, he's probably that little kid dead. This was directed by M. Night Shyamalan, right?

Yeah. It's his first 3D movie. What was your guys' favorite scene in the movie? Hot chocolate. Oh, yeah, that's right. But it's because I liked all the acrobatics in it. And also, in that moment, I was like...

Hot chocolate on the train would be fantastic. It's good looking hot chocolate. Yeah. Because it's like goopy. It is goopy. Like they squirt it out like. And it's not like watery at all. It's goopy hot chocolate and the kids have it all over their mouths and stuff. Mustaches. That sounds gross. Love seeing all those kids have hot chocolate all over their mouths. It's so hot and goopy and it gets all over their mouths. My favorite scene was when they were at the very back of the train and the girl and Billy sing the very heartwarming song. Absolutely. And then when it's over you see that the main boy didn't sing at all and he was just like.

Good song, guys. I can't sing. I really respect the little boy for not feeling the urge to get involved. If you can't sing, don't ruin it. They have a beautiful song going. Yeah, don't have to get in on there. I'm surprised both of them knew that song because that song was made for that movie. Inspiration hit and they both just knew the same words at the same time. It's too bad the nerdy kid didn't join in. How's that song start? It's a marshmallow world.

I'm wishing on a star and trying to believe that even though it's far, I'll find you Christmas Eve. Hey, what are you guys doing? Sing it back here? You guys can't sing on the back of the train. It's a Model T 900 train. It's going too fast. Oh, those are the Northern Lights. Also known as Aurora Borealis.

I wish that kid was the conductor. Hey, come on outside. There's a trainee. On board, on board. Come with me. Lucky for you, it's always 11.55, so we can wait as long as you want. Rainey, can you do a line from Jumanji in the nerdy kid voice? One line. I can't think of one line from Jumanji. Dad, today in a factory, or wait, no. Hey, Dad, in 19... I mean, today in a factory, Carl didn't put the shoe on a conveyor belt. I put the shoe on a conveyor belt.

Does that work? Yeah. Nailed it. Probably the least memorable, important line from Jumanji. But hey, it was great. That's a part I hear from Jumanji too when he sees his dad again. I can watch that movie again. That's a good one. Anyway, back to Polar Express. Yeah, back to Polar Express. What other questions do you have for me about the themes of Polar Express? The theme. Honestly. I put you on the spot. I guess it's a funny symbol that it's the silver bell. I seem to remember that whenever they sell the book that you can get a bell with the book so that you have your little ringing bell so you can say that you still believe in Santa and you ring the bell.

It's just funny that that's the symbol that they used in it for faith, for belief in Santa. That's not a question at all. What else could they use? Reindeer poop. If you can still smell the reindeer poop, then you still believe in Christmas and Santa. Yeah, I don't know. I think the bell is perfect. It's small, subtle, beautiful. It is beautiful. Beautiful tone.

Melody. You know what I noticed, though? If you're holding the bell not by the ribbon, you wouldn't hear it anyway. Jingle bells don't work like that. Yeah, I noticed it, too, and I was really hoping you guys wouldn't bring it up because it's the biggest plot hole in the movie. It's magic, though. It's not a real jingle bell, right? Yeah, yeah. The bell they sell with the book, they should just have it make one of those high-frequency pitches that adults can't hear, but only kids can hear. It doesn't sound like a bell at all. Actually, it's a pretty awful sound, but kids can hear it, and they love it. Listen, it's beautiful.

Yeah. Would you say that you liked the movie overall? Yes. Okay. I would say that. That's what's important to me. Yeah. I did like it. I think that the message was good. I definitely, I was very touched at the end whenever the adults couldn't hear the bell and the kids still could. And yeah, Tom Hanks' monologue at the end. And he made the mouth to hand kissing motion. Sorry, I'll just explain it when I do it next time. Delicious spaghetti. Delicious spaghetti. Oh, sorry. Yeah, we're all eating spaghetti. Merry Christmas. Yeah. I mean, it's a great movie. Pete, did you like it overall? Yeah.

Alright, you didn't like it. I think it's great for kids. Seeing it at 24 years old, I'm just filled with critique. No. You're an artist, dude. You're just an artist. He can't turn it off. Just turn it off for one second. He doesn't appreciate it for what it is. I can't. When I'm watching a human face barely move and I'm supposed to be touched by it, I get rubbed the wrong way. You know what I'm saying? I know it's Tom Hanks, but that mouth is too stiff. But beyond the faces, let's admit it, the most frustrating animation of the whole thing is watching Billy run. Watching Billy run is just awful. I don't even remember that. When he's running after the train, you mean? When he's running after the train, he puts up one arm to catch the train and just leaves his other arm like he wouldn't use it to run at all. He leaves the one arm down on his side. And also when they're running...

in the, I don't know, Santa's factory or whatever to catch his present or when they're on the bouncy thing in the wrapping area. He's like, his legs go out like this when he runs. They go out all opposite directions. At any given moment, it looks like Billy is just an inch away from falling down. And it's really frustrating. The only thing that I would have liked more is if they had waited a few years until the animation could have been a little bit better and then released it and then I could have gotten more into it. But I was taken out of it because of the weird robot faces. I think that's why people don't like this movie is they think that all the characters look creepy.

No, when I read negative reviews of it, that's what everyone says. It's like the animation, it weirds me out. And it's so funny, the good reviews are like, the animation is charming. I love it. And I was like, I like the movie, but we can admit that that animation is not our favorite animation in the world. We'll give Polar Express the benefit of the doubt, because if your approach to filmmaking was, let's wait until the technology gets better, no movie would ever get made. That's true. Yeah. No, you're right.

So we're just assholes. We're just jerks about Christmas. But like Finding Nemo came out like three years earlier than Polar Express and it's beautiful. Also I guess those aren't human characters. Because the eagle was cool as hell in Polar Express but the humans are a little unsettling. It's all the humans. It's like behind them it's like an empty shell. Zeros and ones. Yeah. So if you can look past the animation then it's an A plus movie. I think we can all admit it's the best movie ever made if you can look past the animation. That's right. Yep. There you have it kids. Watch the Polar Express.

Ten out of ten. I guess we can just wrap up. Rainy, do you have anything to plug? I know you're involved with a lot of teams around Chicago. You're on Small Town Doctor with Peter. You're on J.D. Dinkelman and the NBA All-Stars. Thanks for not messing up the name. Thank you. I'm so glad I got it right. That's what I know I don't love when people are hosting shows. I don't mind that people mess up the name, but I just hate when people go, like, I think it's B.J. Dinkelman. We told you the name ten times. It's okay that you don't get it right because it's a stupid long name, but just try. B.J. Dinkelman and the MLB Pro Bowlers coming to the stage. Anyway, thank you for getting it right. You're welcome.

What do I have to plug? This is coming out in mid-December. Okay, mid-December. I was about to say, I have a show on Tuesday. I don't know. Krampus is coming out. I want to plug Krampus. December 17th. It came out December 4th. It's out. Oh, it is? Okay. All right, well, hopefully you've seen Krampus by now. I haven't.

And other than that, I don't have anything to plug. Okay. Just find Rainy on Facebook and bug him. Talk to him. I'm sure he wants to talk to everyone about the Polar Express and their own thoughts on it. I would happily do that. Good. Great. And then, Pete, you're still doing Sup with Polar Pig? Sup with Polar Pig will be running through the...

Sunday before Christmas at IO. Wonderful. And then we have a show coming up at the new new show. We're going to be performing as Peener starting on December 23rd on Wednesdays. Quick question about Peener. Yes. Because it was on my mind this morning. I was thinking about that name. Is it just because Eener is Renee Beckwards and Peener as a whole sounds like Peter? Yeah. It also sounds like a penis thing. Also a penis thing. Oh, okay. All right. All right. Cool. Yeah.

That's pretty much it. Name combo and it sounds like a dong. And you guys are doing a dual show with Krampus coming up, right? Yeah, that's right. We're performing with Krampus inside of the movie screen at the end of December. We're going to perform as long as it takes before security comes to pisses out for disrupting the movie. I'm just going to hide behind the screen and do a little shadow work with Krampus. That'll be bad. Yeah, it will be. Come check it out. It's going to be a nightmare. All right. So to close out our show, we are going to have our favorite, favorite couple, Morty and Ava Rosenblum come in. Would you want to stick around and talk to them a little bit, Rainey? I'm sure they'd love to meet you. Yeah, I would love that.

Cool. So let's have Morty and Ava come in and talk about Polar Express. Oh, here. I'll give up my seat. Okay, great. Anyway, write a nice coffee with me. Ouch. My rump. Hi. Hello. Hello, gangster. You guys are bigger than I expected. Excuse you. Wow. That is very rude. Very rude. It's okay to say to me, but not to a woman. Sorry. How dare you. Are you one of the eight reindeer? Dasher and Dancer and Rainey and Cupid. That's how the song goes. No. We were listening from outside before we discussed the movie. You playing on the comedic basketball team? No.

Oh, God. No, not... Was it R.J. Finkelman in the golf piles? No, it's close. It's J.D. Dinkelman in the NBA All-Stars? Yeah, what's the difference? Dinkelman. We knew a Dinkelman in college, didn't we? Yeah. He died. Yeah, he did die. That was very sad. He was doing quite a bit of drinking on the third floor of the dorm. He took a little tumble and it ended up being a big tumble. He was a train wreck. Speaking of, Polar Express. Wow. Polar Express. You guys like it? You know, when we went to the movies, when you went to go see an animated film, it was a work of art.

That was done by hand, not by the cursor of a computer screen. So, I don't know. If you want to watch a Christmas screensaver, you just don't touch the computer for five minutes. You don't pay $8 to watch a film in a movie theater. You know what I mean? I do like that Tom Hanks, though. His voice is like velvety, velvety hot chocolate. Yeah, I agree. He's a timer. I mean, he was about the best person to fill that role. If you're going to watch anyone fill five or six roles in a movie, it's going to be Tom Hanks. Well, this was hard for us to watch because we already have a bit of trouble remembering who's who in our everyday life. So, when you cast an actor in five different roles, it's very difficult for us to keep track of what's happening.

Yes, I just assumed that Tom Hanks was Santa the whole time in every role. He's the father of Santa, the train conductor of Santa, Santa is Santa, the homeless man is Santa. I thought you meant every role was in every movie he's ever made. Well, yes, that too. Forrest Gump is Santa. I love the movie where Santa Claus gets trapped on an island while trying to deliver his presents. That's actually pretty close. Yeah, I thought that was a bet. Kind of. That's where he grows his beard. That's how he...

decides to invent new toys. He put a face in a volleyball. That's how Santa Claus becomes Santa Claus. He used to be a FedEx worker, and then he crashed on an island, and he developed his skewed perspective of the world and decided to deliver toys to children. I don't think that's what that movie is about. Please do not slurp on your iced coffee on mic. Rainy, what did you ask for for Christmas? I haven't actually sent my... I was going to do that today. I haven't sent my... Well, by the time people hear this, I will have sent my Christmas list. Okay, good. You've got to get on that. I know. I just like Cleveland and superhero-themed things. Any clothing or hats or anything, really. Cleveland or superhero-themed. That's great. I think you don't have to send a letter just because you're saying this on microphone.

I'll still send a letter. There's no cutting corners with Santa Claus. No. There's no cheat codes to get you presents. I wish there was, honestly. We still send letters, yeah. Yes, of course. You guys still believe in Santa Claus? Well, yes. What do you mean? Yes. Santa's real. Do I believe in gravity? Yeah. It's been established.

Santa's still alive and well, as far as I'm concerned. He gives me hope that I can live as long as him. I'm still kicking. We may be in our 70s, 80s, or 90s. We don't know anymore. We don't keep track. We don't need to because we see Santa Claus. He's alive and well, and who knows how old that man is. Hey, and he's still happily married. We're not shopping at Whole Foods, so I think it's all a whole bunch of baloney, these diets and things. He just eats cookies and milk. That's all we need to do. He works one day a year and eats cookies and milk. That sounds great to me. Let's just do that. That's retirement.

What did you guys think of Paul Hirschberg? I hated it. It was a garbage film. The representation of Santa was very, very disturbing. You know what? It wasn't Santa. It was that one little elf with a big old mouth, and he was singing about Christmas, and he looked like a weird little devil man. What's his name? What kind of elf ties a scarf to his microphone? Steven Tyler L. Who? Steven Tyler Aerosmith? Aerosmith. This is a bunch of gobbledygook to me. Yes.

Sorry, guys. If it's any consolation, that was my least favorite part of the movie as well. Oh, good. On the same page. How many bells out of ten would you give this movie? Personally? Yes. I'd give it nine and a half. Nine and a half bells. All right. Half a bell. Yeah, what's that half a bell? What would get it all the way up to ten? The Steven Tyler. Oh, yeah. On the same page. What would you give it, Morty? One out of ten. Whoa. That's probably the worst score we've ever had. That's the percentage of the movie I was awake for. Oh, okay. I loved what I saw. Which part did you? Okay, so you saw the Steven Tyler part. I saw Steven Tyler. And you said, what is this garbage? I saw an eagle, and I thought it was very patriotic. Yeah, I'll give you that.

I would give it six out of ten bells. I took away one bell for Steven Tyler. I took away another bell because their mouths didn't move properly and it freaked me out. It was like a Christmas kung fu movie. Yes. I took away another bell just because I was cranky whenever I was rating this. And then the last bell is because Morty fell asleep and that aggravated me and so I was in a bad mood. Two of those bells are both mood related. Yes. Well, I'm allowed to rate however I feel, Morty.

As a point of reference, just so I understand how you guys typically rate, how many bells would you give Dark Knight? It's a totally different system. There's no bells in that one. No, we rate movies on different systems. Right. It's very complicated and scientific. You wouldn't understand. The Dark Knight Rises would be on a scale of one to seven face masks. Yes. Oh, okay. How many face masks did you give? Three. Oh, God. I just think it wasn't a good conclusion to the trilogy. No, not Dark Knight Rises. Oh, what did you say? Dark Knight. Oh, my gosh. Just five out of five cherries.

It's a different rating system. We'll explain it off, Mike. Nobody wants to hear about our rating system. This is unrelated to the movie. Well, maybe we should take Renny out for some hot chocolate and cookies so we can live a nice, healthy life. I know a place for some good goopy hot chocolate. Oh, great. Let's go. Get it all over our faces. Come on.