Ep. 11: We Were Supposed to Be in Vail. I’m Just Grateful We're Alive.

Episode OverviewCaity, our first guest on Middle-Aged Mama Drama (episode 2), returns at seven months postpartum to share her birth story and transition back to work.She was 39 and one month from her due date. The nursery wasn’t set up and the birth classes were still scheduled. Her OB cleared her to make several hours drive to a friend’s wedding in Vail.Her son had other plans.What followed was a crash C-section, a NICU stay, postpartum depression, and a slow, honest reckoning with what it means to bond with your baby when the birth goes nothing like you imagined.This is part one of two.It is not an easy story, but it thankfully has a good ending.Key Topics• Premature birth and emergency C-section at 39• How medical staff communication shapes birth trauma• Mom guilt triggered by a difficult birth experience• Postpartum depression when self-care is impossible• Triple feeding, sleep deprivation, and the newborn survival phase• Delayed bonding and what it feels like• The impossible standard placed on new mothers in a society that isn’t built for them• Postpartum doulas: why Caity wishes she had known they existedEpisode Highlights[00:00:00 - 00:01:15] A Note from Shelley Before We BeginShelley sets the scene: Caity was episode 2, pregnant and in her third trimester. She has returned to share her birth experience -- and their internet cut out mid-conversation, which is why this is now a two-part episode.Shelley notes the story is not easy, but it ends well.[00:01:15 - 00:03:30] Type B Personality Meets Unplanned Early LaborCaity reflects on recently listening to episode 2 and feeling envious of her past self’s naiveness.She had no birth plan, no playlist, no birth class -- and their son arrived a month early, the same afternoon their OB had cleared them to travel to a friend’s wedding in Vail.What she thought were intense Braxton Hicks contractions turned into active labor.[00:03:30 - 00:06:00] The Lucky Timing of Staying HomeCaity describes convincing her husband to stop by the hospital before heading to Vail -- a decision that turned out to be critical.Vail has no NICU. Had they left, a care flight from the mountains would have been necessary.They arrived at the hospital and confirmed they were in labor with no nursery set up, no birth class taken, and a house in mid-move.[00:06:00 - 00:09:30] Two Alarms, Twenty People, and the ORTwice during labor, the baby’s heart rate dropped. Both times, a team of around 20 staff flooded the room.Caity describes the nursing team as deliberately calm -- using reassuring language and matching their energy to the words they spoke. When pushing in the delivery room was no longer safe, they moved to the OR.Alone in the hallway being wheeled to OR, it hit her: this could go wrong.[00:09:30 - 00:12:30] Crash C-Section and Loss of ConsciousnessIn the OR, the anesthesiologist gave Caity medication to relax her uterus.Her blood pressure dropped, and she lost consciousness.Her husband tried to alert the room. When she came back to, unbeknownst to her, the C-section process had begun. She was ready to push. Her husband had tears in his eyes.He later told her he thought they had both died when both of their heart rates crashed simultaneously.[00:12:30 - 00:15:30] Thirty Seconds with Her BabyBecause of fetal distress, Caity had 30 seconds with her son before he was taken to the NICU.The bonding moment she had imagined, even without a birth plan, did not happen. Her OB advocated to get Caity wheeled into the NICU while still in her recovery bed, which gave her a few minutes with her newborn.Her husband walked past a new nurse who was crying at her station, being both consoled by her colleagues and reassured that that most births do not happen this way.[00:15:00 - 00:17:30] The Hospital Lets You Leave With a BabyAfter a few days in the NICU, her son was discharged with them.The first night at home, both Caity and her husband looked at each other when the baby cried, and realized there were no nurses. She describes the humor and terror of that transition.He had reflux, was losing weight from a feeding aversion, and screamed constantly.The family was figuring it out in real time, with noise-canceling headphones and sheer stubbornness.[00:16:00 - 00:21:00] The Guilt Spiral StartsIn the hospital, Caity began Googling what she had done wrong to cause the birth to go the way it did.The mid-life pregnancy, the recent move to a new house, the stressful and demanding job -- she built a story that she had caused his premature arrival.That story compounded with her inability to console him once home, and became a belief that he would have been better off born to someone else.Shelley connects this directly to the three types of mom guilt she has researched: guilt about what you did, what you didn’t do, and who you aren’t being and points to how the impossible standard places on women to feel responsible for it all feeds into the heaviness of the burden.[00:21:00 - 00:26:00] Postpartum Depression and Triple FeedingCaity describes triple feeding: 10-15 minutes attempting to nurse, then bottle, then pump, then wash everything -- a two-hour cycle that repeated every three hours.Sleep came in 45-minute stretches.She had experienced depression before and thought she would recognize postpartum depression when it arrived.She did not.It showed up differently. All the tools she had used before -- the things that helped -- were inaccessible in the newborn phase.[00:26:00 - 00:32:30] The Impossible Standard and What Actually HelpedShelley and Caity discuss how the isolation of modern motherhood -- the absence of villages, multi-generational households, and structural support -- sets mothers up to fail a standard that was created for a society based on younger, stay-at-home mothers, but not realistic today.Caity reflects on the privilege of having several weeks of maternity leave and a present husband, and tears up thinking about women who have neither.What helped her was coaching work with Shelley to help pull out of the story in her brain, honest women who told her they hated the newborn phase too, and time.The shift from mostly hard with a few sweet moments to mostly sweet with a few hard ones is real -- and it does come.The Impossible StandardA thread running through Caity’s story is something Shelley names explicitly: the gap between what mothers are expected to do and what is realistically possible without support structures in place.What Has Not Changed* In spite of what we know about the physiological, cognitive and emotional changes women experience after giving birth, mothers are still expected to be emotionally available, developmentally present, and physically capable immediately after birth.* Society still places primary responsibility for infant care on the mother. This goes back centuries* The structural reality -- no guaranteed maternity leave, no postpartum support system, no village -- has not caught up with those expectations, and for older mothers with no nearby extended family, that weight is heavier.What Has Changed· Older mothers have built lives, navigated relationships, and developed skills, wisdom, and a sense of who they are and what they can handle. Having a baby disrupts all it all. For a middle-aged mom, the loss of control in those early months can feel heavier than it might for a younger mother who is still becoming herself.* An established identity outside of motherhood means the identity shift is sharper. Middle-aged moms often experience what is called identity grief -- a quiet but significant loss of who you were before that is a recognized PPD symptom in women 35+, and is frequently missed.* Middle-aged women face a specific workplace penalty for the very thing that is also expected of them at home. Research published in the Harvard Business Review found that women in this age group are passed over for leadership because of perceived “family burden” -- meaning they are paying a professional price for a domestic role they are also being judged for not doing well enough.The Result* Mothers absorb the gap between the standard and the reality as personal failure* Caity’s guilt spiral -- believing she caused the early birth, could not console him, was not bonding the right way is a predictable outcome of impossible conditions.Key Quotes“I was just so overwhelmed. I had a single tear that I felt run down my face, and I didn’t even associate. I was like, ‘Am I sad right now?’ I think it was just so overwhelming.” -- Caity“I really went down this really difficult path. In my head, it started this story that I wasn’t a good mom in those early moments because I couldn’t give him a birth that was calm.” -- Caity“Having someone with a brain that isn’t postpartum is helpful.” -- Shelley“The beginning part of postpartum for me was a lot of difficult, deep struggle with the primal instinct to keep my baby alive with a few sweet moments built in, versus the shift now to just a lot of really sweet moments and a few difficult days.” -- CaityPractical TakeawaysFor Middle-Aged Mothers• A difficult or traumatic birth is not your fault. Research your hospital’s approach to post-birth support -- understanding what happened and why can significantly reduce how trauma is stored.• Delayed bonding is common and does not mean you are broken or that your relationship with your child is damaged. The shift does come.• If you have experienced depression before, postpartum depression may not look the same. Do not assume you will recognize it.• Postpartum doulas exist. They help with feeding, sleep, meals, and orientation -- the basics that feel impossible when you are in survival mode.For Partners and Support People• Showing up consistently through a traumatic birth and a hard postpartum period is one of the most significant things a partner can do. Caity names her husband’s presence as transformative.• Creating a safe word or signal for when one parent is at their max is a practical, low-conflict way to share the load without having to explain yourself in the moment.• A community that brings food, sets up the nursery, picks up the slack without being asked is what support looks like in practice.For Everyone• What medical staff say and how they say it during a traumatic birth genuinely matters for how it is processed later. Calm, clear, explanatory communication is good clinical care.• Honesty among women about the hard parts of new motherhood -- ‘I hated the newborn phase’ helps other mothers stop believing they are failing.• Guilt about what you did, what you didn’t do, and who you aren’t being is not the same as actually having done something wrong.Resources MentionedOrganizations• Postpartum Support International -- postpartum hotline and provider directory. Shelley notes they do not mention a specific filter for advanced maternal age providers, but the resource might be helpful.800-944-4PPD (4773)https://postpartum.net/about-psi/#:~:text=800.944.,local%20resources%20including%20emergency%20services.Services• Postpartum doulas -- Caity wishes she had known these existed before birth. A postpartum doula supports the family at home after birth with feeding, sleep, and basic care.Upcoming From MAMD• Part two of Caity’s story is coming -- covering her return to work, the transition out of postpartum, and life at six months in.• Shelley’s workshop: From Guilt to Grace -- referenced in the episode, focuses on changing your relationship to mom guilt rather than trying to eliminate it.Call to Action• Share this episode with anyone who has been through a difficult birth, or who is preparing for one. This is the conversation most people don’t have until after.• If you are a middle-aged mama or part of a middle-aged mama’s support system and want to share your story, reach out: [email protected]• Subscribe and leave a review to help more people find this community.Remember: Our community is stronger and better because you are in it. You belong here exactly as you are.Subscribe to get the rest of this series, plus workshop announcements, podcast episodes, and coaching opportunities delivered straight to you. You need the information. You need the support. This is your community. Get in. Get full access to Middle-Aged Mama Drama at shelleybee.substack.com/subscribe