So there we are ladies and gentlemen. That was... Well, wanking, you were doing... Yeah, that was the last ever process shot.
Eli won it. They're in square. A nice way to end this very last episode. Very good.
And it was a very cheap items there. But all the most expensive was only 700 billion pounds. What a bargain that was. Absolute bargain that was.
That was well done. Absolutely. Well, it's at the home of the show now we've got a second bite. No, no, no, no.
We're closing. Oh, damn it. We don't need to. Eli's snoring.
Eli! We don't do twit. We haven't done 20 and 30 years. What do we do now?
We're all mind void. Mind void? You've got loads of sentiments to mind void. Then it just gets neuro-passed to every downloadable quin-lick.
It's the future, Eli. No, no, no, no, no. Thank you. Anyway, thank you very much.
It's the last ever cheap shot, Paul. Last ever cheap shot, mate. It's been four years, but... How long?
Four years. Four years. Anyway, we just wanted to say thank you for supporting us for 50 odd years. It's been a ride.
I know we can't do it. No, we can't do it in the home. The robot. We're both scheduled for death next week.
Every year they cull people over a certain age in its eye. I was so excited about Logan's run. That was what I was inferring. You're not there, so it's very old anymore.
Shut up. So, thank you, Paul. It's time for Easter. Oh, wait, wait, he's got it.
He's lost it, Paul. I've lost control of my planet because I'm an old man. Let's just say goodbye. Oh, you cheap-skates who've listened.
Stop it. We don't do that no more. I love you, Wanken. Look, goodbye.
Thank you for listening to cheap-show. Goodbye. Bye-bye. Oh, my.
Oh, nothing relieves the existential awe and we are being trapped in a bunker that's floating outside of time space, quite like an episode of cheap-show. Oh, by the chemistry between Paul Genn and Eli Silverman, the frank discussions about bodily fluids and austerity. I almost can't imagine what I do without it. Oh, wait a minute.
What did they say? Something about this being a final transmission? No, that can't be so. Ashley, rewind the tape and replay that last bit.
We'll do it, Doctor. Let's wait to end this very last episode. Very good. Gats, this cannot be.
Ashley, enhance 150% end time. Oh, and I just wait to end this very last episode, very last episode, very last, very last episode, very good. Now reverse. Good girl.
Sit. Sit. Sit. Sit.
No. Oh, no. This is much worse than I thought. I know what I must do.
I must hunt down and find another timeline's cheap-show at all costs. Ashley, please notify me when you find a match for... Oh, that was quick. Ashley, please play this sweet, sweet episode of Parallel Universe Cheap Show.
You've lost weight. Yeah, you look healthy. I don't think I have lost weight. You do.
You look good. Well, that's very strange. I'll have a haircut. Yeah.
Yeah. Which one? Hey! That's good.
I did a joke. Yeah, well, maybe it was a... My head looks thinner. That's it.
Your head looks thinner and it's made your body go out of whack visually. It's all gone wrong. There's a glitch in the matrix. Anyway, I'll do the intro, shall I?
I'll do the intro. If you really want to. Yes. As always.
Hello. Welcome to Cheap Show, the economy comedy podcast with me, Paul Ganon and my co-host, Mr Biffo. Oh, it's where we go through the panel and the bargain bins and the... Can't get it out.
Pardon? This is going to be carry on, isn't it, today? A little bit rude. What I say, panel bins, bargain bins, charity shops.
That's him. That's what they call me. We've only been doing this for 20 years. I know.
I know. It feels like yesterday. It feels like yesterday. Yesterday.
All my troubles. How's it going next? I've been seeing... How do you not know that?
The next line of that's not? I've dried up. Yesterday. All our troubles seem so far away.
And now it feels like they're here to stay. Oh, I believe in yesterday. I don't think they're the lyrics. Don't you think they're the lyrics?
Yeah, he's a bit of a God-like. I should chat. I believe in the lot less monster. The only I believe I know is the one by those two guys from Soldier Soldier.
They did a song called that. I believe for every drop of rain that falls. What about... I'm singing.
Our flower grows. I believe that every time a tortoise cries, I blow my nose. I believe. What the fuck am doing?
What about the shear song? I believe in the rock. I believe in the rock. I believe in the rock.
I believe in the rock. Any more I believe? No. We don't talk all of it.
No. Sorry. Do you know what? I got computer.
It wasn't. It was all Kenny that I believe I can fly. It wasn't. It was all of it.
I didn't know your Kelly did that. Is that our Kelly? No, it's your Kelly. Our Kelly.
Anyway, welcome to Cheep Show. Hey, you. And your Digi Posse. Turn around and Margot Matat is looking for right at it.
It's going to be Golden Games. Biffins, good to be on graphic. Welcome to the show. Clicky click.
Right, clicks help me recognise visually on the timeline where I put the theme tune. Or lovely theme tune. That's what the clicking's for. Some people have asked me.
Are you clicking every now and then? And I go, yeah, that's the thing for the thing. I should have edited it out. What I was impressed with is that you did clicking with your pelvis.
Yeah. Come on, Dave. That's not the place to choke anymore. I can be back problems and everything.
No, at least it's not a slip disc. It's not a slip disc, then, eh? Yeah. Right.
There's winky news. Winky news. I'm going to make it brief because we're still in the process of putting it all together. But apparently we've been someone who reached out to the website via email and said, I'm the woman who got married on the billboard.
You want more details? That's insane. I know. That happened to me once.
Do you remember Cast by 2000? The TV show? Yeah. It was M Fogle where he was first discovered.
It was like, he thought that, yeah, that war was still going on. Yeah, it was like that in Japanese guys. They thought the war was going on in 1973. But I asked her about that years ago on website that I had at the time and one of the women from it contacted me about the...
Anyway, I preempted and ruined your winky news. That was it? No, that was it. I went too far at this point because I think she's obviously listening.
And I want to make sure that the information is correct. So it's an exciting development. I will say that. I wasn't expecting that.
I know. When we first discovered winky, you and I together. Yeah, I remember that. Warm winter eve.
I'm commonly warm winters eve where you and I discover winky. Things have changed forever. You wouldn't need glue. Is that you for this?
I was like, oh, roundy glue. Oh, roundy glue. You heard what happened to K for a wooden igloo? It sounds filthy.
Oh, wiggly who's got a woody? Oh, he has. I should have got splinters. I can make that work.
Right. So on the cheap show today, the economy podcast for your ears, we're doing a few lovely familiar games. Obviously, Canon's Golden Games has banned a lot of it. So I'm looking forward to another one of your editions of Bifo's Bibliography.
I've got a couple of gems for you this week. Do you? Yeah. You want to give us a little tease?
Well, one of them, the title is How to Goodbye Depression. I thought you were a sentence. How to say goodbye to the pressure. How to Goodbye Depression by Ho-Ho-Yuki Nishigaki.
That's easy. Almost for you to say. Do you want the subtitle? Yeah.
If you can stretch anus 100 times every day. Cool stop. Yeah. Malarkey.
Question mark. Or effective way. Oh, I see. So it's basically saying, can retracting yourself yourself with depression?
Or is it absolute heathalums? Yeah. So we're going to find out. I look forward to it.
All right, cool. I've got a very, very special. I'm not going to play, but we are going to talk about in depth because I have two visuals. And it's a fucking complicated.
We're not paying a picture for the people with our words. Yeah. That is the art of podcasting, isn't it? Yeah.
Good point. You think I know that after all these years working with me. You could pull up Michael Gannon. Here's a question.
Okay. Mr Bifo. Yeah. Mr Bifo have a first name.
No. No. Well, it's just from Bifo the Bear. You know, from the Dandy.
The creator of the bankrupt. Oh, I wasn't meant to be a thing. It was meant to be, you know, someone asked me, what's your name? Oh, Mr Bifo.
So you kind of so Zedic. Yeah. That thing. So yeah.
So yeah. I'm sorry. Mr. Steve and Bifo.
Mr Alan Bifo. I was going to ask you to suggest something, but if you're suggesting to that. Or for that. Oh, I'm sorry.
Herculees. Oh, I'm sorry. Herculees. Herculees.
Herculees. I guess that's going to catch on. That sounds like a euphemism as well. Oh, did.
Yeah. Oh, she's got a horrible case of Herculees. Herculees. Don't sound like a Latin.
It's like a medical. I'm sorry, but three weeks, I live. You've got Herculees. And that's what's going to go on the show today.
Let's get going, shall we? Go on. You've got a choice. Choice of two this week.
I'll take her. Well, send the other one away. Get out, winch. So you can either have, well, goodbye depression.
How to go by depression to be exact. Or you can have a book entitled Granny Fanny. Problem is, I'm obviously going to have Granny Fanny on it. I'm going to pick Granny Fanny.
We can do both. We can do both. Let's start with how to go by depression since we are toyed with that at the start. We can do both.
It's not going to go by a single. It's supposed to be beyond the fee. I like the death breath. Someone's lasted the request before.
It's nice to know. This book, it portrays a novel method for beating depression and other issues, such as sexual impotency. By constricting your anus 100 times a day. You leave that book here before you go.
You don't need the book. I'll do it as you speak. You know, I can tell. It makes no sense.
But what I mean by that, but only does the method make no sense. The way the book is laid out literally makes no sense. Okay. He appears to have started his theory on a news group, depression news group.
So he's gone on to a website? Well, no, a news group. That's a thing. Do you not know what news groups are?
No. Fuck the love of God. You've been on the internet before? Yeah, but you know where I go.
But yeah, I shouldn't be doing any of those news groups I go to. In the days before forums and Reddit, things like that, you know, news groups, cool things like alt dot depression. Okay. Good.
So it's like a forum. No, basically they were like a forum. You said forum, didn't you? News group.
The point is fancy words. It's because you're in the media. Fairly. Don't want me.
So anyway, so he began by posting in this depression news group about his theory, about constricting anus 100 times. Now he has cut and pasted his exchanges on this news group at points throughout the book. So huge swathes of this book, as well as kind of there being chapters where he explains theory about constricting 100 times a day. It's full of people taking the piss out of it.
Yeah, of course. And it's putting the book without any context or without any warning. There's no flow to it. Just the points you get these exchanges.
I just can't believe it. It's one of these things where it's like, if you were on forum and someone posts, I know I could beat the pressure and it's a hundred times a wink. You think, oh, he's another fucking troll going out. You want to think?
He's the guy who tried to write a book about it. Well, there's people in there kind of saying, you know, this might not be the best place for this. This is a serious news group. But then they read it because he doesn't let it go.
So they, you know, he just keeps his theory sort of banging away at it. And then he gets particularly angry and he starts, it's like, well, I don't know if he's angry, but he gets quite passionate about it. And he says he's going to start a club called the Anus 100 club. I got a leaflet about that the other day.
Now it makes sense. Let me see if I can find it. Where's his way to go? And also, if I got a leaflet say, do you want to join the Anus 100 club?
There's no way I'm fucking joining it. So without a copies about a lip balm. Okay, so here is, right. Here's the thing.
Okay. Here's a thing in the book. There are points where this is quite difficult to read out, where he says he can make something three times in succession without drawing out. However, when he refers to this and he refers to it throughout the book, it's just two asterisks.
And it's on the back of the book as well. Furthermore, he can make two asterisks three times in succession without drawing out. What does that mean? What does that mean?
It means to me suggests sex technique. The idea of, you know, it can be three pumps. Well, maybe it's that, maybe three thrusts. Maybe the asterisks are meant to look like an anus.
But it's no part of the book that says here's what the asterisks mean. Well, to be honest, I haven't gotten that far into it. That's fine. There's a lot of people.
You know, people in there, I'm so glad I didn't have coffee in my mouth when I read this. While on the floor laughing my arse off. It's not quite clear that I don't think he's read what people have said to him. He's made a book out of basically copying and texting.
Well, no, there are there are whole sections such as, okay, here you go. There's a whole chapters where he does go on about it. For instance, here you go. He talks quite a lot about having diarrhea.
Great. So for instance, this he was talking about one time he was on a plane. Well, I know the Arctic Circle. And when a big explosion occurred within abdomen one and a half years ago, I felt dizzy and could not stand up for a while.
Your apple. My apple again, to shoot out a big blank upward through the top of your head. What? I'm going to work into world automatically within your head, chest, abdomen or legs.
What's he fucking talking about? No, no, no, no. Is that this is a unhappy guy who's fixated with his arse on? Yeah, basically.
But he says it can improve your sex life by constricting anus. Now that's apparently true though. Isn't it? They say that when they have sex techniques like if you clench your arse on your legs, it helps prolong ejaculation or it helps keep the wall from the door.
So to speak. So speak, ladies. If you're listening and you are a three pump jump, then by all means, clench your arse on, clench it because that helps. I don't do it now with me.
I'm actually gone. I'm doing it. There you go. It's all we do it together.
Oh, that's real quite nice. It's lovely. It's almost like that sense you get when you go over a bridge too fast in a car. And shit yourself.
No. No. So I'm never getting in a car with you. Yeah, he's very, he's talking about old black solid acumen.
Sorry, that was the bit I was reading at that point. So anyway. Does he basically say that that from what you've read to the deal with depression means you have to concentrate on your arse on your own health? Is your arse only navel?
You get navel? Yeah, you should somehow constrict both 100 times a day. How do you constrict your navel? Oh, I don't know.
Well, that's about to belly though. Isn't it? It's like you're more tensing your belly muscles. And these days it gets harder to bring that back.
Like, absolutely my navel in years. It's like a huge heavy duvet down the bottom of the bed. Just like, oh God, this one's hidden in the rolls. Yeah.
Mm, like that. A del song hidden in the rolls. Is that the song? No.
So that's, uh, there you go. If anyone were like to buy that, how to goodbye depression. Quickly, nice. I'm very keen.
Is this like self published? Well, I'm assuming so. It didn't. It came quite quickly when I ordered it.
Our universe. Well, he came quite quickly. Was you wanted to? Hey, all.
Thank you very much. I think constricting anus 100 times and denting navel 100 times in succession every day is effective to goodbye depression and take back youth. So you can do it at a boring meeting. Oh, God.
At a boring meeting. Not a meeting. Not any other type of meeting. Oh, you're all right.
I'm having a whale of a time. What's the deficit this year? Oh. It's basically you need that face that babies do when they're having a poo.
You know that, but I've got an out on your own. The fat. Oh, baby shit. That sounds horrible.
I've known a 70 year old man who has practiced, practiced it for 20 years. As a result, he has a good complexion, has grown 20 years younger. His eyes sparkle is all a vigor happiness and joy. He's neither complained nor born or grew up.
On the A-serve staff. Furthermore, he can make asterisk asterisk three times in its succession without drawing out. But additionally, he also can have burned a strong beautiful fire within his abdomen. It can burn out the sticky dirtiness of his body.
Release the immaterial fiber out all third attention, which has been confined to this stickiness. Then he can shoot out his immaterial fiber. All third attention to an object. Concentrate on it and attain happy, lucky feeling for the succession of concentration.
If you don't know that concentration can give you a particular pleasure, your life looks like a hell. Isn't that true? God bless Google Translate. He's a graduate of Sarcos City University in 1963, lives in Japan, employed by the Kyoto News Agency until 1976.
All three books from Japanese, including House of Tanks, Silent Knowledge. Silent Knowledge. What is that? And the author of one book of Unveiled Hidden Phoenix.
What blessing? He's got a guy, wasn't he? As my mum would say, God loves a trier. Well, this is the trouble with the book, is that there's no context for anything.
It's just a stream of consciousness, which clearly mentions black, sticky ex-women. Well, you know what, great fine. I love that. What else have you got?
Give me more. Well, here we go. Granny Fanny. Granny Fanny.
Granny Fanny, which is a book in a series of elderly sex novels by a lady called Sally Hollister, who instead of writing that news. That's a funny name. It's a little bit of a saloon. It's lots of a lot of that, isn't it?
And she specializes exclusively in sex books or sex stories about elderly people. I mean, they need love too. Well, yeah, I'm not knocking it. But you should try it first.
You should give it a go. Don't knock it to me, try it first. There's nothing I love more than watching two mounds of leathery white flesh go on it. In a hot, little bed filmed by an orderly.
A salt and pepper mounds of cubic plastic. Oh. So watching two hairless cats fall. That's to the point.
They all need love. They all need love. A couple of leathery flip flops. They've bashed in the wind.
Oh, maybe no. Oh, well, that was that too far. It's all slappy in it. It's like, yeah, I like it.
Do you ever wonder what sex is going to be like when you're old? If I have anyone I'm at aid, I'll take whatever I can get. I do do. Some of them, don't they?
They know some of them get quite granny. I'm from Viagra now. But isn't it all kind of a bit, I don't know, sandpaperry. Depends what you've done with it.
What? What is your penis, sandpaper? What was more thinking than? Oh, well, no, lubricants.
You know, even if you can't afford Viagra, maybe you make a splint out of two magnum ice laces. Last thing, a couple of frankfurters. Yeah, that's what you need. She won't know.
You've got frick cocks. He gives a big sausage and she gives him a cold, wet chicken. Oh, man. It saves them.
It saves them. It saves them. Exchange dry overcooked chicken. Chippa-lata being pushed out of dry overcooked chicken.
Dirty dirty men. We can write one of these books quite easily. We can't. It's easy.
Yeah. It's just like any porn, but you make it more sad. Yeah. It's just putting a lot of death rattles.
Yeah. It's like having two xylophones wrapped in carcass meat. Right on. Right on.
Right on. We want to read a bit out. So this is the start of, I'm like, is this book for free? Can you get, what is it?
It's free if you've got Amazon unlimited. OK, so I'll assume you have. No. I'll pay you money for this.
One pound, 11. You know, there's a certain kind of a secrecy to buying things online. You have to walk in and go to a book shop. I have a book called Granny Fanning.
Granny Fanning. And then go, I would like this book. You can just get it online. I'm going to be recommending Granny Pawn.
Well, let's just say to Kinky might want to investigate. Oh, yeah. So now later. Right.
So here we have the beginning of this. Yeah. I thought that I had a problem with the card. No, no, I'm tensing off.
I thought my days of sexual activity were over when I became a grandmother. But nothing could have been further from the truth. I've had a look at a few of our books and they basically all start the same way. Oh, there's a longing there.
There's a transfer into the motion going on. In fact, my new status seemed to make me even more desirable to men. A fact, my husband, Frank. That's all you need to know.
Don't need to know his job. How he looks after me is Frank, Frank noticed. Oh, that young chap next door looks like he'd be more than happy to rip the knickers off you Ruby. Oh, so I think it was Ruby then.
Do you know like finding out the characters as we go? What have you ever, okay. Don't take this too personally. But you would be appalled if you're white, so you'd say, wouldn't you like to look for the knickers off the girl next door?
You're doing like this, it's not going to happen. Yeah. No, no. I'm going to see if he's like 60.
I will skip on because the next two pages are just discussing about ripping off the knickers. Okay, so they're going into the delicate part of the knickers. So we go, yeah. Anyway, so we, um, we skip down a bit and Ruby writes, when I brought my washing in, I glanced up at next door's window.
And sure enough, there was Paul. That's the neighbor. I can put myself in this door right now. Right.
I mean, there was Paul staring at me intently. That got me wet in the undies. You tell me what? This is the British, this is the British written porn thing.
Wet in the undies. No, it's such a British wave. It's not like sexy is it? They're like darling, you like it.
You like it. You like it. You like it. You like it.
You like it in the underpants. You like it in the underpants department? In the underpants department? It's the pink, not the ground though.
So we'll skip on a bit. Because this is all, well, you know, this is all scene settings. We'll get to the good stuff. It's important for romance.
You don't have to just push your person into bed and say, hey, let's get in all the fucking settle. Say it, here we go. Well, yeah, I know. We'll trust me.
It's just, you know, I'm actually worried. I will. So here we have now a conversation with the Ruby Frank. Veronica has now been brought into this.
Who's wrong? I think Veronica's Paul's wife, half her, half her uncle. And this is Ruby giving Veronica some advice. Oh.
Because I think she's not satisfying Paul himself. We have over Veronica. I think this sex life is. It says here tapering off.
We've all tapered off. Yeah. Mine does at the end. Like the world's saddest winds socket.
Veronica wants to know whether Ruby still has sex. Basically. That person was around my neighbor. But go on.
I was surprised at the intimate nature of the question. But put it down to the openness of youth. Well, I don't get it as much as I used though. I admit it with a laugh.
The libdo decreases with age. But if a couple still love each other, they'll make an effort to show it. Oh, God. Oh my God.
He's stuck in his special part. The doctor's got me on antibiotics. But I'm not allowed to have sex. Did it clears up?
Sexy talk. But this is just awful. Oh dear. This happens to Veronica speaking.
Yeah. By the way. So this is Ruby. Oh dear.
That's not so good. Still, there are other ways a girl can satisfy her husband. Right. That was Ruby.
OK. And Veronica replies, Oh, I've been giving him hand jobs and blow jobs constantly. But I don't think they're doing the trick. Does he come in your hand on your mouth?
They can do with the trick. Don't worry about it. Here we go. Here comes the good stuff.
Right. Here we go. Ruby says. Yeah.
Wish I could help. Which Veronica replies, perhaps you could if it doesn't sound too absurd. Paul's always had a thing for older women. So if you could lend me a pair of your knickers for me to rank him off with.
I'm sure you'd enjoy that. I don't know about that. I don't know about having a bunch of fucking tenor ladies. But I'm sorry.
It's not appropriate. Not a great knickers. It's got to be a big pair of old lady knickers in it. Yeah.
It'd be musty. It would smell like aloe vera. Linamont. Yeah.
It would smell like a collection of boiled sweets and popery. Germaline. Oh, come on. Yeah.
Antiseptic smell. There's no less sexier smell than germali. Oh, love. I couldn't find any sex lube.
So I'm using Vix today. You like my flip. There's no way you dirty bastard. Almost it's single.
Oh. How the hell do you breathe when you're going down on me as well? You're a fucking great idea. Sorry, anyway.
So it goes on. Romantic. Ruby again. Yeah.
My knickers have probably got some pubes in the gusset. Ah, for fff. If that adds to the attraction again. But it doesn't.
You shave yourself like all the young girls these days, I assume. Well, Harry Pussy's are rather retro. There's a retro channel you don't get on YouTube, is there? Oh.
It goes on for a while there with a conversation about whether to shave or not. Oh, god. Paul complaining about the stabble scratching is cock, so she has to shave it off again. Don't want complaints about that.
I've never complained about a stubble part. Pubis. Pubis. That's a good word, isn't it?
Yeah. What? You know what? I'm not going to make myself look stupid.
I have to question. Oh, god. What's it? I can't even say it.
Pubis. Pudendum? Pudendum? Pudendum.
Pudendum. Pudendum. And that's why men need sex lessons. Oh, yeah.
What is the pudendum? You're looking at up. I got it. OK, Google.