Get some silence. Sorry, it's fucking hell. Fucking... Mate, I asked for silence.
How long? Ten seconds, I'm going to do it. And you couldn't sit still for ten seconds and give me some silence. You have to go, errrr, and then drink your tea.
It's... don't... Ah, fuck you, honest, not the intro. Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to Chief Show, the economy podcast.
We're meeting like Silvingo for the charity shops, the bargain bins, the powerlands, the thrift stores, the bizars and jumble sales. Are you fucking happy now? I'm happy that was good. Thank you.
Of Great Britain and beyond. To bring you the task and the treasure, the worthlessness and the wealth. Right, you can... I know I'm fucking...
You're fucking happy. I'm fucking happy. It was, it was. It was going so well.
Anyway, welcome to Chief Show. Hey, you and your fucking moodle posse. Give us that mood. What's the chief show?
Good answer. We sent you. I'm moodle posse. I'm going on nozzle.
I'm going on nozzle. And I'm going on nozzle. And I'm going on nozzle. And I'll be like Silvingo.
And I'll be bringing you a source report presently. Why don't you do it now and get out of the way? No, I won't do it when you ask me to. It won't do it when you ask me to.
It's such a shit. You're using the... you're not looking at me technique now, aren't you? Yeah.
Why are you doing it? I don't want to look at you. Yeah, I know. It's weird.
Right. Source report. At some point, I would like the source report to start now. All right.
Anyway. Do, do, do, do, do, do. Source report. Hello.
Everybody, I'm Eli Silverman. I'm here to be fucking know who you are. I'm here with you. I'm here with you.
I'm here with you. I'm here with you. I'm here with you. All right.
Just a bit of... All right. You know, grab a task for the source report, please. Grab a task.
Yes. Grab a task. Just say something about putting an ant in my meters. And you'll meet.
You'll see that half your penis has been sliced up the middle. And you can see all the ant's living in the tunnels that they've borrowed into your wang. No one likes this. No one likes it when you talk like this.
You should see my idea for sea monkeys then. Hey. Eli, it involves cum. Source report.
Uncle Gramblees. Uncle Gramblees. Uncle Gramblees. Uncle Gramblees.
I thought he only did food. He's branching out. What? Cock ant farms.
Cock ant farms. And Spoth based sea monkey toys for kids. Spoth based sea monkeys. That's a good.
I don't really like in this. It's a jar full of human DNA in its most pure liquid. With some sea monkeys. Or what you're saying.
They don't survive. It's just a jar of cum. Yeah. Now.
Source report. Do do do do do do. Do do do do. Do do do do.
Do do do do do. Today on the source report. Source report. You're obsessed with it.
I really am ahead right now to Studio. Well, stop it. Banish it from your head. I like your source.
Source source. Why are you looking at me? Why are you looking at me? Why are you looking at me?
Why are you looking at me? Why are you looking at me? Why are you looking at me? Why are you singing to the middle distance in the house of pickles?
Because if I make eye of my... I might call it the house of pickle waters. Why? Because it's more mosaic.
Have you put some kind of man-made river system in here now? Well, basically, yeah. Yeah. It's not pisses it.
Yeah, I have a piss on the floor. And it's your willy trickles. Have you been that willy trickle lane? I like willy trickle.
Always love you that willy trickle lane. Pickle waters. We can do a children's TV show. Pickle waters.
The people of pickle waters, haven't you? Yeah. Willy pickle lane. Now, talking of fucking source.
Which is what we're supposed to be doing, Paul. Hate this show. Sportnam and Mason. Hey, hey, hey.
What was the name, Sir? This is cheap show, mate. This was free. You can't get cheaper than free.
All right. All right. Yeah. Within the parameters.
Now, I know the context. Okay. It's in the contrast of source. Treading on thin water.
Source. I'm trading. Classic. Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. It's because you thought trending water didn't you? Yeah. Oh, we have fun, don't we?
Oh, we have fun. All right. Sorry. Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. All right.
Sorry. Oh, we've peaked. That's it. We just got the fucking answer.
Goodbye, ladies and gentlemen. Thank you for listening to Keep Show. Sportnam and Mason. Yeah.
Christmas. Come on. Figgymusted. It's Figgymusted on the source report today, Paul.
Oh, I've got some Figgymusted. Exactly. It is like an Uncle Gumbly's Fucking product. Oh, real life.
If I read it out, there we go. Oh, would you like some of it's Uncle Gumbly's Christmas Figgymusted? Yeah. And you need a spoon.
It says here. It's got some coffee on it. Oh, I'm going to go. Oh, dear.
Oh, dear. It's got some coffee on it. Yeah. It's all in shiny foil writing.
It's really hard to read. I haven't thought this through. Why can't I see anything? Wanking.
It's wanking. That's such an old trope, Paul. Come up with something else. You'd make it.
You'd like make a prison bumming in the showers, joke, wouldn't you? If you could. It's appropriate. Yeah.
It's never appropriate. Right. Sweet and tasty. Yeah.
Sweet and tasty. This Figgymusted is nothing short of a Christmas miracle. Right. Dollips.
Yeah. Dollip. Yeah. It's on the side of your main meal.
Right. It's a Christmas based mustard with your pie and cold cuts. No, I will not have a hot fork in the mason. So it is a Christmas based mustard that has figs in it?
To me, Paul, this really, yeah, it's a must be figs in. Right. This really epitomizes my whole problem with the Christmas palette. It was just stick fruit in savory things.
They don't know. Fruit not. You know what I mean? Christmas could pull down.
They can take a fucking cheese and they put fucking cranberries in it. Or do you know what I mean? What do they do? The fucking John Lewis.
So I like food experimental lab or whatever. Sticking down there underground. Right. I don't know what they say.
It's like buns and buns and boiling over and it's all. Okay. Now, okay, team, we need new ideas for the Christmas offerings this year. And I've come up with sausage with a pineapple on it.
Oh, like that. I've got an idea. Bacon with other bubble. Oh, that's nasty.
Here's that's the sauce support. Also, my flat knife. What have you tasted it? No.
Do you want to do that now? Well, I don't know if you want to do it now, but I thought you might have more context. That's how I feel about tasting it. Oh, so why bring it up?
Oh, why bring it up? Oh, why bring it up? It's the sauce support, mate. But you haven't tasted it.
It's a report on what's going on with sauces. It doesn't have to be tasted. It's a sauce. It exists.
It exists in the world of sauces. So, it's like watching Top Gear, and then fucking, Clark's goes, oh, it's the kavati Veyron 7. And then you go, yeah. And then he goes right next on the show.
He's like, well, I want to know more about the car. Listen, this is the gatty. That was the word you wanted. But Paul, you are treading on thin water.
Because, yeah, for one, I don't want to be like Top Show. The sauce report is it's own Top Gear. The sauce report is it's own fucking thing. And I, as founding member of the sauce support committee.
What a loser. I get to say what sources, well, can we will taste it on an episode? Yeah. Yeah.
All right. We can do it. We can do it if you want. Yeah.
It's almost a brand, brand off. And I hope it goes as well as the Mayo one. The Mayo one was good wasn't it? It made you feel sick because you're just eating big dollops of mayo on a spoon.
I can do that. And what did we find out? It was surprisingly the first week. The size was a good brand.
There you go. Don't say we don't learn stuff on this show. Okay. So what we got coming up on this show?
Well, I'm going to do a tell from the shop floor now. I'm going to ask you a question. Would you like a story about a dirty dog? Or would you like a story about an naughty, old man?
Oh, it's got me the naughty old man. Are you sure? Yes. All right.
A dog, what? A dog shit in a shop. I can see it. What's happening?
The dog rolls around in shit in a shop. There is some finesse and a twist. A dog fart. No, there's a dog fucking vomit fart shit.
Shag someone to ejaculation. Shag's an old lady. No. You've got to think lately about defiling old people.
No, I don't. You keep saying, okay. Make it an old parishan. No, I do not make them make them vulnerable.
I like that. I won't tell them the shop floor. I thought it had a lot of construction. You said you wanted more dentures.
Yeah. I want the dirty old man. Do you know what, Paul? I don't know.
Be an nasty person, but I hope he dies. I hope this old man dies. All right. Let's find out, shall we?
Hello there. It says Josh Kirchhoff. Oh, Josh Kirchhoff. Josh Kirchhoff.
Sorry, Josh. Josh Kirchhoff. It's almost like it says Josh Kirchhoff. Yeah.
No, no. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. No.
No. No. No. That's the Ike!
That's the Frozen, Matt! Oh dear. Oh the... Oh God Paul.
Oh God Paul. Josh, Alex I like Jimmy Biscuits, what happened to him? He's on sabbatical. Or you know, one of you have a fucking voices.
I don't have that many. They're on rotation. And they're voices, they're fully fleshed out characters with needs and wants and desires and goals and dreams. Does everyone know what happened to, uh, to Cheggers?
Yeah, he's dried up. Oh, that Cheggers, not the real Keith Cheggwin. I'm not, well, all right. I mean, Cheggers.
Yeah, he's the son of Keith. He should have kept him. He's the son of Keith's pseudo-more. Oh, God.
Cheggers, born of pseudo-more. What the fuck are you going on about? Cheggers, mate. No, I know what Cheggers is.
Oh, right. Did you, what? You saw it, yeah? Can I look at it now?
No, please. Let's get through this fucking story. Right. Hello, Josh.
Anyway, to meet the story, I'm not 100% of his qualifies as well. What was your side? What was your side? Him saying the show makes a mill.
Oh, yeah. I'm not 100% of his qualifies as well. This takes place at a Tesco supermarket. I don't work there.
Just purchase goods inside and occasionally recreational drugs outside, oh, edgelord. While a couple of days ago, I was picking up some essentials on the way home. Silence, bring on units, free bottles, scientific, disinfectants. Mate, we don't need all the details.
Just most. I'm not going to make a poison salad sauce. He's probably got long cuts on his penis. No.
Why'd you put your penis there? He's not quite my penis, bro. I put it to my leg. No.
No. Anyway, as soon as I ride in the aisle, I was hailed by a man. Excuse me. Can I ask you something?
Now, I'm a fascist, vicious person, the kind who will deliberately ignore someone addressing me in the street in case they ask for money or directions. Basically, I'm a Londoner, the man was short. Perhaps mid-40s wearing a suit and overcoat, he seemed to be just a normal businessman, but something about was a bit off. So I made a mental note of what valuables I had on me.
Looking back, not only was the overcoat strange considering the lovely weather we've been having recently, but I also noticed he was carrying bags of shopping with the receipts at the top, so it looked like he'd already made his purchase and was loiting around the shop looking to chat to someone. OK. For the record, I'm a guy in my early 20s, I'm OK looking, which I feel is relevant for reasons you'll soon find out. So far, where do you think the store is going?
The old guy's going to try and bomb him. I don't know. That's quite where it's going to go, bro. No.
I mean, there's going to be- I was just going to try it on. I think because he mentioned his physical attractiveness. I mean, that is opinion. We haven't seen him.
We don't know what he looks like. Well, we know. All right. The man goes.
The man goes. The guy loves the minehows. Well, the coconut sport. Where do they go?
The lines. Look, they'll be putting them with fucking sausages and calling it Christmas. Right. The man says, do you go to a gym nearby?
I don't, but I was interested in going, and I was also interested in where this conversation was going. I said, yes, and that was my first fatal mistake. Do men shower naked there? This is like the cockpit scene from airplane.
Yeah. If you go into a Turkish bar, whatever. Do you go to a grown man naked? Oh Christ, here we go.
Oh, I'm going to go to a thick dong right in my face. Oh. I looked down the outside, anyone's coming to save me? Nobody is there.
The old man now says, I was just like, wow, wow, but imagine if you're young and you've got a rocking body and a massive dong, you want to show it off, right? How does that make you feel? I wasn't expecting a conversation to turn this weird so suddenly. This man's a fucking weirdo.
He's a combination of aggressively homosexual therapists and a dirty old man who likes peaking to get cocks in a changing room. I just kind of smile and nod and tell him that it wouldn't make you feel anything. It's not moving away from him. This will be frustrating to take the steps towards me.
Have you ever heard the expression? Growers and showers. No. Again, I nod to evade the question.
He grins and shifts his coat with his hand. I hear something drips. Oh, he's a dirty fucking coat. I hear something drips.
I hear something drips on the floor. Flop-age. We've got Flop-age. I hear something drips on the floor.
Oh, I'm glad it's down. He's gone. He's gone to see that he's exposing himself to me. He flies undone, his erect cock is out and literally dripping on the floor.
Oh, a shower. What about you? I can tell you I know what to do so I just stand there staring for a couple of seconds. This isn't crying.
It's a crime. This is a sexual assault, isn't it? Yeah. It's got serious.
Behind me a woman arrives in the aisle. Does she see his trippy? John, so? I don't know.
She's also got a toddler in a brown. He is leaky-can. No, leaky-can's just leaky. He's not pre-comy.
I've pre-comed. John, the leaky-can is pre-com as well. All right. God, God, listen.
Anyway, a lady arrives in the aisle instantly notices me retreating and stops and screams at the top of their lungs. The flash returns to look at her. Evidently not expecting anyone to have been around to see him and lets out a yelp. From behind, the front of the store, security guards come running.
The flash returns to look at him. Evidently not expecting such a quick response. He hasn't even had the chance to put himself away. This is terrible.
That's when the magic happens. The creep turns to run down the aisle, but with his first step, he puts his foot in his own self-made puddle of pre-com. Whoa, no. Losing the crutch is not true.
This is not true. I'm falling over. You've just jumped a sharp shot. It was like Charlie Chaplin's looking at a banana peel.
Yeah. But his head banana peel, it was a puddle of spunk. I hate this show. Wow.
What's it going on? I have someone recently sailed the comments. Oh, listen to small episodes, it was all conversational and quite light. And he fast forward and it's like pre-comed spunk, spunk, spunk, gregley.
That's where he should change back to a more conversational style. Anyway, he slips on the spunk. He's been humiliated. He has no escape.
He hasn't even bothered trying to get up. He laid there on his back, spread, eagled on the floor, shopping scattered out of the bags with his back, presumably covered in his own cheers. No way, the lie, his penis gave one last throb of defeat before shrinking away. I didn't stick around, my security guards picked him up and sorted out.
I spent a long enough there, so I just picked up my beers and left. However, I didn't make sure that nobody's following me on the way home. Then he says, do you want some One Ball Servage Vitals? Yes, no we don't.
Yes we do. I don't want any One Ball Seven inches. Why not? Whumbling free.
Yeah. Well, what do you think? Is that a real story? Well, it could be.
In which case, if I actually witnessed it, it'd be fucking hilarious seeing some guy with his big toggie out. No, it would be. I'll be in there watching him slip in his own spunk puddle. That'd be funny.
It's like those videos you see videos of that guy who did a little puke. He does a little puke. He's dug out of the tail. He does a little puke and then falls flat on his arse by slipping in his head.
He's just come out of his mouth. Have you seen that one? Yeah. It reminded me of that.
Great. So, what? Let's just turn this whole show into us describing you've been framed videos. Oh, yeah.
Have you ever seen that video where a man hides in a bin and his friend comes down the corner and the man jumps out the bin and the man reacts by punching his friend in the face? I love that. Oh, you've got crisps. Yeah.
I didn't want to do that in the source report. So, uh, Marmite, pickled onion and walkers. Good ones, aren't they? Are these new?
Marmite's been around for years. You just don't always see it. Marmite crisps, you mean? Yeah.
Marmite. Well, you asked it a noo. I haven't really thought about it. There's pickled onion, you.
No, there's a puke on this mic. You're obsessed with pukes today. I'm not obsessed. There's been two.
You said I'm back. Well, I've been there because you know who's been doing pukes recently. What do you mean who's been doing pukes? Who's been, you know, branching out to pukes?
What do you mean branching out to pukes? It will all make sense. All right. I hate this show.
Grandma sprinkles. Do you remember her? No. Grandma sprinkles.
She's a good character, man. Obviously not. Because Lady Plops came off. Lady Plops may be the main one, but Grandma sprinkles has got something to say.
And it could have been her who was it a great? You tell him though, it was a nice thick, curly black one. Okay. Can we not talk about pukes?
Well, you just keep finding pukes everywhere. There's one on the mic. Yeah. Yeah, there was.
God. This is a mucky shot. I've jibagged the mic. Right.
Good. I've used the mic as a douche. Right. Good.
As a poultice. Yes. Yes. Yes.
I thought it was the other one you came up with. But I'm a whole charge of poultice. A whole charge of poultice. A whole charge of poultice.
Hey. Hey, though. Hey. Yeah.
We should do both those flavours on the League of... We haven't done the League of Snacks of Wilds. The League of Snacks of Chris. Pickled on the Monastery.
Pickled on the Monastery. Yeah. It's a good flavour for Chris. It's that tartness.
That tartness that bites through. Yeah. Yeah. Yeah.
I don't care. What are we doing now? We're doing... Silverman's Platter.
It's the Platter Splatter from your friend, Clyde McPherter. Yeah. I forgot about him. He's a character.
He's a character. He's like, I don't know, like a sea character, isn't he? No. There's no Clyde McPherter.
He's talking about Cheapshow. Now, Clyde McPherter. Clyde McPherter. Clyde McPherter is an actual recording artist of the 1950s.
I did not know that. I've got one. I've been playing recently. Let the Boogie Wookiee roll.
Let the Boogie Wookiee roll. Nice. Oh, it's been very good. Great.
And he sponsors Silverman's Platter because it's a name. It's a name. So I can go. It's time on the hour for the Silverman's Platter Splatter brought to you by Clyde McPherter.
It just sounds like a made up name. Yeah. Anyway, what we got on... I should know.
I can't even know. I can't even know it's your section. Today. Yeah.
There's a theme, isn't there? There's a theme. We are covering three comedian rap four. I'm getting my producers telling me four.
Yeah. Four. Yeah. You might not have to select the tangent or two.
I'm covering four comedians doing rap novelty records. Now, I wanted to do a little bit of research about this, Paul. Yeah. So I looked...
I want to Wikipedia. And I put comedy rap in. Yeah. But there's a whole genre of comedy rap within hip hop, which is like legitimate, which is like Dela Sol did it.
Is this way like, you know, we were listening to the... I've got that. Oh, sorry. Your mum is so fat.
What do you remember about that, Shane? No. Do I? It's a good one.
Excuse me. What? What's in your bed? Bread.
You've got bread in your bed. I've got a whole loaf of bread here. I'm sleeping with bread. The house of pickles, I'm not sleeping with bread.
Are you having sex with bread? Yes. You would be going to go out of bread and then I put my wee wee in. Yeah.
You pour some sauce on it, do you? No. You have a sex kebab night. I take a syringe and I put sriracha into my knob end.
A new low for the E-line sylma. Really? Look, stop trying to say shit about my bed. It's a fucking nest.
Look, I've got the problems of philosophy. My Bertrand Russell. What are the problems of philosophy? He can't figure out shit.
It starts off with him sitting by his desk and going, yeah, the desk is real. Obviously, but is it? Well, they can't say. Right?
I'm not getting into philosophy right now. I'm into philosophy. So, yes. So, these are comedians who have done rap novelty records.
Comedy rap, for example. Yeah. Do you remember on Silverman's Palace we did a Fresh Prince and Jazz F- The Mike Jackson thing. Mike Jackson beat Mike Tyson.
That's comedy rap. Do you see the men? The New Sir Beastie Boys had a few. And Beastie Boys, yes.
Now, remember when we listen to my podcast? I forget this point otherwise forget. And you're talking about the rise of East Coast West Coast rap. And you were saying, it came from a novelty comedy record, didn't it?
Yeah, the first two kind of West Coast Gangster rap records. Dracula and Wolfman. Yes. Well, that kind of fall into the same thing.
Yes. And they said as well that Falco rocked me Amadeus. That is comedy rap, really. Not that song, but he used to have lots of other stuff where he sort of brought a comedy dick hip-hop approach.
But that's not what we're covering. No. It's not comedy rap, which is an actual genre in its own right here. I'm saying.
These are comedians who are trying to sell a novelty record by doing a rap. Yeah. Because rap's popular. Yeah.
But it's not though. It's a straight, it's a thing. It was at the time. But for the audiences these people are reaching out to.
No, it was a novelty, wasn't it? Yeah. It was something you could sell as a novelty. And if you're a comedian you can do a Christmas song, a funny Christmas song, an old musical hall standard.
And you could do a rap, couldn't you? Because it was a way of, because it was novel at the time as a sort of form of music to the white masses of social media. So it was gentrified and made palatable. No, no.
It's sort of, they don't know what to do with it. So they think of it as a medium for a novelty record. Right. Because I was going to say one of the reasons why I think a lot of these acts made these songs because it allows them to basically do their characters, spoken.
Yes. They're not hiding the house song or lyrics or two. Exactly. They can basically do their set.
So that's another reason why it lends itself to comedy and novelty records. Yes. And I think in the pile, which you'll get to. But the other three are basically actually, let's just do our act via rap.
Yes. That's how we can say it. And rap had a certain zeitgeisty sort of, it's a strange thing, though, for a bunch of white middle-aged and older gentlemen to use the medium to sell their act. Well, there's a deeply sort of racist thing, which is behind all of this, isn't there?
Yes. Because hip hop wasn't mainstream. It wasn't allowed to be mainstream. It had to cross over to the pop.
That only really happened in the 90s. 90s, yeah. There was cross over stuff in the 80s. But do you see what I mean?
So this is sort of like, yeah, like you say, it's sort of a way of them sort of exploited a popular youth culture, yeah. But not really understanding it. Because most of these records you wouldn't even describe as hip hop. No.
And it's like disco records. We're disco records. Depending on the track we listen to, they vary. Don't they from disco to simple rap, like grandmaster flash type stuff.