Ep 156: From Fawning to Self-Trust: Healing Family Wounds with Jessica Van der Merwe

Send us Fan MailEver notice how your best boundary script disappears the second your parent’s name lights up your phone? We dig into why that happens and what to do next, blending lived experience with clinical insight to make sense of fawning, conditioned guilt, and the body’s fierce loyalty to old safety strategies. Our guest, licensed professional counselor Jessica Van der Merwe, specializes in trauma, complex trauma, dissociation, and adult children of dysfunctional families—and she brings both expertise and heart to a topic that feels raw, messy, and very real.Together we unpack the gap between knowing and doing: why cognitive plans crumble under stress, how the nervous system prioritizes survival over scripts, and what it takes to gently retrain your body that choosing yourself is safe. We draw a clear line between true guilt and conditioned guilt, offering simple language and somatic anchors—like labeling sensations and repeating this is not an emergency—to help you keep boundaries without drowning in shame. We also name the grief so many carry: ambiguous loss for the parent you needed but didn’t have, and the heavy loop of hope and letdown when change never comes.If “self-care” makes you cringe, you’re not alone. We introduce realistic, micro-sized experiments in self-priority that respect your window of tolerance, from delaying a reply to stepping outside for one minute of sun. No ultimatums, no quick fixes—just steady practice that teaches your system a new story about safety and connection. Expect validation, practical tools, and a compassionate reminder that your body isn’t broken; it’s brilliant at keeping you alive, and it can learn new patterns.Listen now and share your take: what tiny experiment will you try this week—and what better word should replace “self-care”? If this conversation resonates, subscribe, leave a review, and send the episode to someone who needs language for what they’ve been living.This podcast is meant to be a resource for the general public, as well as fellow therapists/psychologists. It is NOT meant to replace the meaningful work of individual or family therapy. Please seek professional help in your area if you are struggling. #breakthestigma #makewordsmatter #thingsyoulearnintherapy #thingsyoulearnintherapypodcastIf you or someone you know is struggling with mental health concerns, please contact 988 or seek a treatment provider in your area.If you are a therapist or psychologist and want to be a guest on the show, please complete this form to apply: https://forms.gle/ooy8QirpgL2JSLhP6Feel free to share your thoughts at www.makewordsmatterforgood.com or email me at [email protected] the showwww.bethtrammell.com