Live from Eli Silverman's death bed. It is the cheap show. How long has he got left to live edition of cheap show? Hello Paul hello Eli.
Oh, I came in today and Eli was very poorly. He said he's on the bus on the way home He's being very poorly. So once again, it's another episode. See you like here.
Oh look. He's gonna be a wind you today Oh, is it too hot? Yeah, I think take off all your clothes. Oh, I am getting so hot.
I want to take your clothes off I got my knob out They should do version that's not that shouldn't they go on it's getting hot in here. So I've brought my knob right out I want to get my knob out Spanky can they who the artists and they sell that song to a cool spanky. Yeah, we got what we can sell at the team I've found so hard. I've Josh my whole knob up.
Sorry. I just want to say sorry Sorry, why oh He's very poorly sweaty you are sweaty. No, you see the sheen I can see the Winding Fack up the intro did I do the I tried oh hello. I'm Paul Gannon.
This is a fucking fan of a I just found a right hello I'm the can't can't can't can't that's what we should call this call this you rename the show to you can't No, you can't call it out. No, we would never get listed two idiots two silly scoundrels two silly sausages I hate you and your fucking moodle posse People love noodles. She's a fucking accent Go and I know so hello. Yes, welcome to cheap show every bond and have we got a show for you this week Oh, you're serious this book.
Yeah, I am quite under the weather you are it's you're doing the show through getting itchy now Why are you getting itchy? That's not related to what you said to me earlier. I don't know it's because the temperature's changing I'm getting a full-body script jump. Scrich.
What is it called? Scritching? It's one of these cutinning of the words isn't it then cutening of language scratch? It's like sweet It's we you know me.
It's like couldn't you just say I did that I had a little yell for enjoyment. No, it has to be a new word Squeeze small that's the other one what's that mean? Like when it's something's very cute. It's small.
It's not small. It's small It's small. I don't like the cutification of it. Maybe not particularly cutification.
It is it's pure cutification and what's that word? Scrits. That's just a play mode. Yeah, exactly.
It's Hollybobs all over again. It's Hollybobs Does that you object to that? No, not really. You don't object to someone going I'm off on my fucking Hollybobs.
Yeah, I don't. Good to you the kind of person who used to the word Hollybobs. Adulting. That's the other thing.
It's all this cutifying. You know welcome to another edition of Eli's Pointless Rants. I just want to say fuck that. Scratch a small cat.
Don't fucking Scritch a small cheeseburger. You fuck off. You fuck off. Right.
Okay. What have we got on the fucking show? Well today coming up on the show we have a piece of, not a little while ago, a tale from the shop floor from one of my lovely readers. And if you'd like to write about an experience you've had being in a shop, working in a shop, being in a shop, and what kind of shops do you like?
Ideally those on the charity shop scale. The charity shops scale. Yeah. What I haven't come across this as well before.
I'm working the sentence. I'm working it out. I'll say it's not going well. Paul, it's a little tip for you.
Just generally in life and also more particularly when you're doing this show with me Eli Silverman here on Cheap Show. Yeah. How about you put the whole, you line up the whole sentence in your head word, word, word, word, word, word, then this is another tip. Picture the little full stop at the end.
How about a little review of it and then fucking utter it after you've thought about it? All right. Okay. Let me have a little think of this sentence.
I'm waiting. Still waiting. I'm thinking of a good sentence. Hang on.
Eli Silverman is a fat-ass prick. Oh, you almost didn't get pricked out. I didn't get my prick out. I have got my knob right now.
So we're going to get my knob out. I'm going to do a cheap beat segment. Oh, yeah. Cheap, cheap, cheap.
And we're going to go back to Paul's page. The two books I got on the charity shop that may bring a little smile to your face. A little smile to your face. And give us a little bit of a dollopest episode as a result.
I have got nothing. Nothing. Well, you mix it. You mix it, ladies and gentlemen.
You've got nothing. You've got nothing. Every week you've got the same. Every week, the same amount of nothing.
But it's just when you're slightly unwell. Every week is slightly unwell. This is not a one off. I've seen your eyelids so much over the course of recording Keep Joe from the pain and suffering that's on your face.
Every time you utter a spot for your beard, your beard, your lips. It's the house of sauna, sausage, tongue fat, gob. It's like being inside a sweaty pickle. I can't want to be fair.
I'm not feeling the heat as much as you. I'm not feeling well. I'm not saying I'm not saying I'm not feeling well. I'll get you a doctor.
Here we go. Hello, everybody. Let's get a doctor. What will be here in two minutes?
All right. OK. Yes. Bye.
OK. You've got a doctor coming. That's it. Yeah.
Oh, come in. Hello, I'm Dr. Jimmy Biscuits. Hi, I'm here to see what's wrong with the patient.
Who's the patient here? Oh, I'm hello here. Hello. What's your name, Sonny Jim Boyce?
Hello, Eli. Hello, Hello, little Eli. Now what's wrong with Eli? It's my dick.
OK. It's got droplets coming out. All right. Well, we're going to have a look at it.
Should I swap it right out? Come on. Show Jimmy Biscuits the offending item. It is.
Oh, oh, I like it. Jimmy Biscuits approves. Do you like looking at it? It looks like a medieval club.
Right. What we got coming? No, no, no, no. No, Jimmy's.
No, I don't believe that you're a doctor. I'll show you my credentials. Mine looks like one of those, uh, knobbly hammers. Oh, I tell you what, I make you better.
I'll get the push out. It's going to involve a lot of misogyny. And you know where this is going. You like silver men.
I'm going to have to just your plop off. Josh, we plop off. I'm not going to get all that swatch. Here we go.
No, we've actually reached the nadir of our lives. We've reached the nadir of our... This is the worst moment of my whole life. No, that's not true.
No, let's do it. Let's tell us on the heart. And you're all better and I got a mouthful of cum. So happy.
I'm off now. Goodbye. Don't knock. You don't have to knock the door to leave the room.
I'm going now. Bye bye. Well, it's good to see you. No, it's good to see you.
No, Paul, it was good to see him. I feel really sure. Even though he's not a real doctor. You feel better than I do.
Yeah, good. So I tell you what, why don't you get kicking off with the uh, tales on the shop floor story this week. This is from a guy called Dan. So I'm going to give you it.
Okay. Let you read it. Let's uh, have a little tales on the shop floor. Now from the shop floor.
Paul has told me that there is no poo poo in this week. No, it's nice to get a few stories in the aunt's scat related because you know, it's hard enough to sell this podcast I tend to find without forcing people who might enjoy to listen to stories about, you know, necrotic holes. Yeah. And uh, people literally bellowing shit out of their arseal.
So let's see where this one goes. Now it says if this ends up being read out, please just call me Dan. Yeah, so let's call him Dan. Okay, Dan.
Hello, Dan. Hi guys. Hello, Dan. Hello, Dan.
Depending on when you read this, yeah, it may end up being seasonally relevant. Oh, this is coming out of the business is coming. The goose is getting fat. Don't put a penny in an old man's hat.
Something like that is okay. I never heard that Christmas was coming. The keys are getting fat. Don't put your Johnson in an old man's hat.
Something like that Christmas is coming. The ghost has got added stroke. Santa's put a cigar up his ass and now I have a smoke. Yeah, there you go.
I shot in a jar and then I, you know, in a gallery. Sorry. I'm sweating. A few years back, I got myself a job as part of the extra staff hired in the lead up to Christmas at a national chain of toy stores.
He also doesn't call it Christmas. It's eczema. Should I say eczema? Just say Christmas.
I say eczema. It's just saves time to selling it out. Most of my work involved cramming as many shit toys into the shelves as I could, but if my shift started before the store closed, I was expected to work the till or shop floor. All right.
It was one of these days where I was tasked with demo. Oh, Jesus, Dan. It's not very easy to read his pro style. Oh, here we go.
Everyone's fault. But Eli's Jesus. Don't do that last bit again. Just do.
Let me just do the episode. I don't understand what he's saying. Most of my work involved cramming as many shit toys onto the shelves as I could. All right.
Fine. Okay. I'm Nick with you. Yeah.
Yeah. So I could have the shelves with toys. Yes. But if my shift started before the store closed, if my shift started before the store closed, which you'd imagine it would.
Because why? Oh, ah, if he's overnight stacking shelves, they do. Do you do it? Do you have a puzzle?
We're working it out together. Okay. We are. I agree.
He could put it clearer. He could. But pro style. I don't mind.
I've got a problem with fucking prenigity problems that only really affected him. Your pro style sucks. Sorry. But don't worry.
It's only a small problem. Don't fucking fucking go at me. Off wall. Right.
So it's my shift started before the store closed. Then he was expected to work the tills or the shop floor. Great. That's fine.
So far. So good. It was one of these days. Yeah.
These days where he on the till or shop floor. Yes. Yeah. Okay.
Well, I see that's basically it's a thing that from the last paragraph that we're supposed to remember. Do you know what I mean, though? It's just that when people right in my voice, I sometimes forget syntax because you kind of make it fit how you'd speak rather than being grammatically correct. Okay.
All right. So he's just writing informally and sometimes it doesn't quite translate. I'll just add a little bit here to make it clear for everybody. Yeah.
It was one of these days where I was on the shop floor. Where I was tasked with demoing a new line of Nerf guns. Oh, cool. Which were absolutely fucking huge.
Big nerf guns with the big nerf guns with the revolver bit. Yeah. The big revolving cartridge. I find those satisfying because I know what it is.
No, I find it real good. No, it's quite funny. Nerf's fun. I like Nerf.
I've got that Nerf gun. It was on because it was on the back of it. Yes. It was big, isn't it?
Yeah. Mm hm. You ever played in the woods with spud guns? No.
When you were a kid, I used to do stuff. Spud gun. I never had it. I never had it on a spud gun because my parents were hippies.
We weren't allowed weapon toys. I never played I made weapon toys out of what we had. I used to have this stuff. Spuffy socks, not some flapping bands.
I didn't spunk as a child, Paul. Please, where'd you get it from then? What, my spoth? Yeah, where'd you get all that spoth from?
I didn't have spoth. I had a bogey collection. I didn't have a bogey collection. No, the truth comes out.
No, oh, I feel like mushroom long from knives out. I'm not, I'm not. I saw a spock. Now, I used to, we're never getting through this.
I used to have toys that weren't weapons, but I used to play with them as if they were weapons. I'm sure it's not unique. Even on a basic level, a ruler and elastic band. You know what I mean?
Yeah, but you made that to an actual weapon. I'm talking about a fantasy world in which I was a swordsman. Right. I was called a lonely child or something.
I just named myself Chan. Yeah, I was a hero warrior, Chan. Right. Yeah.
And we had this stuff. Do you remember Dada? The track with the cars. Oh, not the artistic.
It's not something that's absurd. It's predated. Surrealism, thank you. As we've said before.
How many? Yes. You've pulled a ring down. Do you remember Dada?
I do. Dada, Dada, Dada. Now, what's that? There is done.
Oh, it's not a proper song, though. Dada, Dada. Yeah. It's a German thing.
All right. We'll pick it up. Yeah, Dada, Dada. Yeah, yeah.
We should do that on the platter. Yeah. One thing at a time. We haven't had the point.
I used to run for the woods with a sport gun. I used to keep potatoes in my pockets so you could stick it in and load it in fire. Yeah. Who did you fire at?
Friends? You had friends as a child. Yes. I got this sort of image of you.
It's kind of almost translucently pale, kid, sickly, sort of newling and puking and your little little little. No, no, no. Oh, you know, I've got friends. No, no.
And there was a fence separating the grounds from the public. But on the other side, the fence on the factory side was on the road. We found out as a whole and one of the fence that we could crawl through and then go through the trees like a maze and then come up at the other end. Now, there's so little of that kind of play on old abandoned factory sites.
Factory sites or building sites, though, it was a work in the factory. Well, it was a work in the ground of the factory, illicitly. That doesn't happen with kids anymore, does it? I used to play on old building sites and get behind things, behind fences.
That's just a joy. It wasn't it as a child. Oh, from safety these days. Can't do that.
Every kid's on his bloody phone. These days on that other phone. playing in that. It's fucking Fortnite.
Fortnite. Fucking world of Warcraft. I don't know what the kids are into these days. It's Fortnite, isn't it?
Yeah. As a sample, you were trying it. I was trying, and Dada was this for people who don't know. Yeah.
Was a sort of modular system where you get bits of track, right? Plastic bits of track. Yeah. What is the name for those cars that you scale electric ones?
No, they're not scale electric ones. These are ones where they have a spring in the ball back and go. Pull back and go. Okay.
But they were like the top ones. And they used to have, if you remember Dada used to have, do you remember Dada? No, I really don't. I was in the system with those.
It had looped the loops and special sets with loops on and like and jumps and things. I knew what was going to stop there. Anyway, my dad somewhere got a knock-off Dada that wasn't with all these yellow pieces of track. So they were all these modular pieces of yellow track.
Yeah. They became swords for Chang. Well, hopefully in the future we'll dig into more adventures for Chang. And he used to play in this whole world inside my imagination in our yoga room.
And Chang used to go up the yoga rack and climb up the wall and go and beat people with his sword and stuff. Chang, he was a hero. Well, he's got really awkward. No, he didn't.
Go on, sorry. So, Nerf guns. Oh, God, Nerf guns. So, our friend Dan, who's written the letter in to our podcast, which we're doing right now.
Oh, are we? Yes. Am I just? Am I here?
Almost. Right. Demoing a new line of Nerf guns, which are absolutely fucking huge. That's where we stopped.
Okay. This thing was essentially a sniper rifle that could shoot the dart the size of a small child's forearm, clean across the store and hit the firewall. So these aren't the small Nerf darts that we're thinking of. These are the big ones.
Probably thicker, gorgeous. Thick, thick, thick, thick. Fucking Vainy. A big Vainy Nerf gun.
I don't think they're the firing cocks. It's a big Vainy dildo, though, like, thing. Fuck God. Oh, Gobbit.
Right. I wouldn't mind catching that bullet in my mouth. Oh, yeah. Oh, this poor.
Right. Okay. So it's a powerful Nerf gun. This point, a family walked in and the parents quickly left the three and five year old boys with me.
You see, that's a terrible sentence. Sorry, that's a terrible sentence. All right. Okay.
And it's just so long this sentence. Come on. It's longer because you keep going off on your Sainsbury's tirade. Tyrades.
Sainsbury's tirades. Yeah, we talk about pamels. Oh, I can't believe you forgot my birthday mum Swiss roll. Oh, yeah.
Jesus. Right. Wow. Yeah.
Tony's I'm depressed and I'm a heroin addict. P soup. Right. Sarah's I've just left the call to know how to adjust to real life.
Wow. No, okay. You have to admit this is terrible sentence. At this point, a family walked in and the parents quickly left the three and five year old boys with me to go and buy their presents without them seeing.
It's not that bad. That's fucking terrible. I shot it a few times and they begged to have a go themselves. Being an idiot, I thought the rifle was too big and complicated for the five year old to operate.
So I handed it to him, expecting him to wave it around, get bored and leave me alone. Right. With terrifying proficiency. No, this is good sentence.
Sorry. With terrifying proficiency, he copped it, spun around and shot his brother in the face from less than a foot away. That must have been, I know it was awful because that must have been a really satisfying sound of the clock. Yeah.
The toddler fell flat on his arse and screamed his blood and snops began to tip from his nose down his face. We've all seen it. We've all seen it before. I've often caught myself kicking kids right in the face.
No, I didn't even see that. No, I just made the snark and the blood mix and the tears. Yeah, it's all bloody. They should be aware of it.
Twat. No, twat. Blood's not in twears. Blood's not in twears.
Twears. Twears. That's the face we've got. Yeah, between it.
All the between it. Smurching, between it. Twears here. The toddler fell flat on his arse and screamed his blood and snops began to drip from his nose and down his face.
I was about to try and sneak off as I noticed a puddle start growing out for him. He pissed himself. He did. Surprisingly, I didn't get a bollocking since kids are dickheads and it all happens all the time.
Yeah. But I did have to clean up the puddle of piss and blood. Oh. Anyway, please be kind to retail workers over this period.
It's shit. I didn't even both agree with that. I agree. I agree with it over this festive period.
They really do any kind of service industry, not just retail workers. I guess they must get it worse. Amazon's warehouse workers. And bus drivers.
You know, I'm usually quite down on bus drivers the other day. I realized the shit I have to put up with. Yeah. People like you getting on drunk.
I got wrapped very ugly over the car. No, no. It was bad. So I was on the track of bus the other day.
And it's said on the, you know, when the bus is going to stop before its usual destination, they'll have it on the front. So I noticed it had it on the front where it was going to stop. No, Finn's going to eat square. All gates drunk.
Finn's going to eat square. I mean, because that's where I would get off anyway. Yeah. And so the bus gets to there, but it stops just before then.
They stop before. And I'm like, why is it stopping here? And it's kicking us all off. So this woman goes, why is it stopping here?
He goes, it's terminating here because there's been a, it's because of the terrorists. Yeah, yeah. And then it was stopping there. She went, why didn't you tell us?
And it's like, it was written on top on the front of the bus. She's like, oh, you could have said something. And I was literally like, God, I understand now. Yeah.
She's just angry just because she's kind of. He's been in convenience for a long 15 minutes. She's just been in convenience for a long 15 minutes. And it's like, no, factually you're wrong.
Yeah. You are factually wrong. She didn't care. Oh, I'm just going to be a concierge anyway.
So I was. Hey, also on the public transport. What did you do? Nothing.
I just walked away. I said to him, look, that's perfectly acceptable. But why do you have to stop here instead of the actual stop where you said on the front of the bus? And he said, because we can't turn around when we go to that next time.
So I said, that's perfectly acceptable. That given me an explanation, he's been going, I'm a bit disconvenient. Why didn't you tell us? He said, it was written on the front of the bus.
If you paid attention, put your fucking thing, you know, it's up from your phone. You know, he went straight to office and went, I can't believe you know what I mean. I didn't know why I bothered. People like that.
And everyone thought he was fucking. And anyway, Sandra again going, oh, yeah, yeah, yeah. I just don't understand. Any book you still have.
No, she wasn't normal. That's any full-time do. Now, Paul, also, people who work in Barb's hand. Thank you, Dan.
And I'm sorry I criticized you. You're not. No, he got really racy there. It was like, yeah, yeah.
Keepers on the floor. Keep it the snark. I was nice to see a kid get it right in the face. Point blank with a gun.
Not a real gun. That would be horrific. People who work in bars over this period got out for them. I mean, we could be DJing and it just gets terrible.
People not only get rude and drunk, but they just don't move. They don't know how to stand. They don't know how to stand in a public space anymore. Ignorant of belligerentes.
And also I read an article today about, because of the whole issue, I read a bit about that. But there was an article about how stand-ups hate Christmas. And some of them, even though they get lots of good money for gigs this time of year, they just don't do it. Some of them.
No, because it's just so awful. And they are awful things. Christmas gigs is terrible. No one wants to, you know, I hate people.
I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people.
I hate people. I hate people. I hate people. I hate people.
I hate people. I hate people. What a revelation to end the same with. I'm sweaty.
All right. Well, let's come down for a bit. We're going to crack on with cheap heat. Cheap heat.
Hooray. Ladies and gentlemen, performing the cheap heat jingle this week is actor and comedian Eli Silverman. I have to do this. Stiff.
Stiff. Stiff. Stiff. Stiff.
Stiff. Stiff. Stiff. Stiff.
Stiff. Stiff. Stiff. Stiff.
Stiff. Stiff. Stiff. Stiff.
Stiff. Stiff. Stiff. Stiff.
Stiff. Stiff. Stiff. Stiff.
Stiff. Stiff. Stiff. Stiff.
Stiff. Stiff. Stiff. Stiff.
Stiff. Stiff. Stiff. You've got a bad.
Oh god. You've got a bad on the word flop. Because it become your go to word when you run out of force. It's just like, I almost saw it going, I guess, on a wave.
It was almost like the explosion of you. They can't say it's garbage. It's not even an original thing. I know.
It's just terrible. Flop it. Give me your own card. Sheep eats everybody.
Yeah, it's cheap eats everybody. So we've got some cheap eats now. We're going to vary up. We've got some from the PO box, didn't we?
We do got some from the PO box. I do got some from the PO box. I do got some from the PO box. I do got some from the PO box.
I do got some from the PO. Shut up. What about the box on from the PO box, mate? All right.
So do you want to start with you? Oh, can we alternate items, mate? All right. Do we start with these?
Yeah. I'll tell you what. We'll start with these. Because these are all of us.
These are horrible. These are from the PO box. Out of date. Sorry.
Oh, how far out of date for these? It does. It does. Because if it's like two years, I don't want to eat it.
Nah, it doesn't matter. That's here. You can't get in there. Best before date, $14.919.
So September 14th. Oh, the birthday. It's only a month and a half ago. Anyway, we tried something similar.
We use walkers, which are crisps. And these are cooling sensation. Melon Bingsoo. Melon crisps.
Well, I'm quite interested to try these before. Did you have these before? No. OK.
So we did have recently. We had the cucumber ones. Didn't we? That I've got.
And the numbing pepper, both of which were disappointing, but the cucumber were just frankly. Yeah. Just a strange flavour sensation. It's a very nice journey to again.
We did have melon, but they were not this brand. We had a different brand of melon flavours. We didn't have the walkers, melon flavour. So it must be a thing.
Now these are limited edition, and it's cooling sensation, as we've stated, because they have a kind of menthol aftertaste. and then Tholksigorex for a start. And then, and then, Mira and Mince taste like Mince, don't know. Mince or I'm hearing it with melon.
Do you know what I saw a Mince Oreo today? Mince or? Oh, but that'd be nice, wouldn't it? Yeah, but I'm quite serious.
I'll pick some up there. I'll go round there, come round there. I'll go round there. And I'll pop it.
I'll just get there before you get. You just say it. So I'll let you open these and do the hopper porths. Cooling sensation, melon, bingsu flavour.
I wonder what bingsu is. I don't know. Now these have a, I could look it up. Suffered a bit in transit.
Take a smaller rip, a small corner of the packet of and pump the half air right up my nostril. It's a rather intense practice, but Eli's a trained professional. So please do not do this at home. Did you look up a thing, do you think it's Korean?
I think it's Korean. I wonder what it is. Alright, so delicate operation. Just remove the smallest corner of the crisp packet.
Yeah. Get the nostril ready. Yeah. It's ready.
It's clear to go. And I'm going to pinch below where I'm ripping off. So none of that air. Precious, precious, half air gets wasted ball.
Yeah, in the opening. In the opening. Here we go. Here we go.
Again, don't try this at home. Eli's a trained hopper professional. Smallest corner I can get. Here we go.
And... Oh! It's quite nice. Is it?
Yeah. Very melon-y with an undercurrent potato, as you might expect. LAUGHTER There's all sorts of shit going on in the house of people's tonight. It's a florida.
No, smell that. It's ice creamy. Ooh, yeah. It's quite nice, don't you think?